Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CAN at the end of any one line

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CAN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GIFT-GIVING, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best GIFT-GIVING related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on May 27, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 26, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

People often mix “can” up with “may,”
Never knowing which one they should say.
“Yes, you may?” “Yes, you can?”
Why not can it and ban
Their distinctions? The sticklers say “Nay!”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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161 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CAN at the end of any one line”

  1. Ken Gosse says:

    None for Mr. Pennypacker ~
    It was late. It was dark. She looked miffed,
    So I asked if she wanted a lift,
    But when she got inside—
    My proposal denied—
    She said she can’t survive on my thrift.

  2. Lisi Nortman says:

    My DARLing and SWEET grandson, PAUL
    Had a GIFT for just ME that “beats ALL”
    It’s a WATCH that’s so GRAND
    With a REAL special BAND
    That aLERTS the poLICE when I FALL

  3. brian allgar says:

    “A solid gold toilet”, Trump stated,
    “Transforms all the crap I’ve vacated.
    Though I’m just a con-man,
    When the shit hits the can,
    Believe me, my poop is gold-plated.”

  4. Lisi Nortman says:

    My BIRTHday’s the SECond of JUNE
    I’ll be GETting some PREsents real SOON
    Last YEAR “Hubby” PAT
    Gave me ONE “far-out” HAT
    Which inCLUded a REAL live racCOON

  5. Lisi Nortman says:

    In 1994, this actually happened, only I have changed the names

    I GOT some perFUME for MaRIE
    Who then HANded it OVer to BEE
    Bee GAVE it to JO
    Who said, “HERE’S a gift, FLO”
    Two weeks LATer, it CAME back to ME

  6. Brian Allgar says:

    “Remember who said ‘Yes we can’?”
    Said the Donald. “Well, I gotta plan
    To destroy every act,
    Every treaty or pact
    That the Kenyan impostor began!”

  7. Judith H Block says:

    On a cold, winter’s day it began,
    Just a walk down the street was her plan.
    Thought the weather was nice,
    Didn’t see the black ice,
    She landed smack down on her can.

  8. Judith H Block says:

    With his rallying cry, “Yes we can!”,
    Obama foresaw a great plan,
    But Trump vows to deface
    His legacy, erase;
    Thus America’s destruction began.

  9. Judith H Block says:

    No matter what I write, Brian’s is better,
    But still I try- you know I’m a go-getter!
    He has a great gift,
    I got the short rift.
    Indeed, he’s the Limerick-Off pacesetter.

  10. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m SHY, but I STILL think I CAN
    Have a TRYST with “mysTERious” DAN
    He TOUCHED me then LEFT
    I FELT so berEFT
    Maybe I just forGOT to use “BAN”

  11. Lisi Nortman says:

    Jane GIVES me that SAME purple SWEATer
    Each CHRISTmas, (she DOESn’t know BETTer)
    She ALways buys WOOL
    Her CLOSet’s real FULL
    The SHEEP are now TRYing to GET’er

  12. Lisi Nortman says:

    It’s a WASTE to just SIT on the CAN
    When my BREAKfast did NOT include BRAN
    And WHEN I forGET
    I’m REALly upSET
    I MUST make a MORE useful PLAN

  13. Lisi Nortman says:

    I SAT on the BUS station CAN
    On the WALL it just SAID to call” FRAN”
    I WROTE down her CELL
    She SOUNded real SWELL
    But was BUILT like a CATamarAN

  14. Jean McEwen says:

    I’m afraid there’s no way to finesse
    This: To Gwen, I re-gifted a dress.
    Then remembered: T’was she
    Who first gave it to me!
    So I guess I’ve no choice; I’ll confess.

  15. Jean McEwen says:

    You’ve eaten way, way too much bran.
    Run as fast as you can, to the can!
    The gas that is passing
    From your ass is surpassing
    My stench threshold. Flip on that fan!

  16. Mary Barrett says:

    Hating Presudent Trump is in
    The press gives him a bad spin
    Every move that he makes is a sin
    But just watch that man
    He’ll trump KIm Jung Un cause he can

  17. Lisi Nortman says:

    To COOK a great MEAL for your MAN
    Keep in MIND, that you NEED a great PLAN
    For creAtive cuiSINE
    Here’s a SPLENdid rouTINE:
    “When YOU have the TIME, Open a CAN”

  18. Lisi Nortman says:

    I GUT a nise PREsent last JUly
    A REEly nise GIFT frum my” GUY”
    A T-schirt in RED
    Which in BIG letterz SAID:
    “Bad SPELLers Right NOW: Please UnTIE”

  19. Armchair Poet says:

    When his search for VP first began,
    Trump desired an affirmative man.
    So when asked if he’d mind
    kissing lots of behind,
    “Not at all” Pence replied, “I sure can!”

  20. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’ll TELL you aBOUT my niece JILL
    Who BOUGHT me a GIFT at “GoodWILL”
    She’s NOW even WORSE
    And CLEARly perVERSE
    Last FRIday she SENT me the BILL

  21. Lisi Nortman says:

    In PARis, there ONCE was a MAN
    Who was CRUDE when it CAME to DiANE
    His GROSS way to FLIRT
    Was to PICK up her SKIRT
    Which STARted the RAGE called “Can CAN”

  22. Armchair Poet says:

    Brian’s poems are far too sublime.
    But perhaps he’ll have mercy next time.
    As a gift to us all,
    he could just take the fall,
    and compose an inferior rhyme.

  23. Lisi Nortman says:


    I GUT a nise GIFT in JuLY
    A REALly cool TOP frum my “GUY”
    It’s a T-shert in RED
    Which in BIG letterz SAID:
    “Bad SPELLers, Right NOW Please UnTIE”

  24. In British Columbia, Can.
    The rights thought to be every man’s
    Are questioned quite rightly
    Both daily and nightly
    By the country’s original clans.

  25. Lisi Nortman says:

    I BOUGHT a real NICE gift for SUE
    She’s BEEN my best FRIEND” through and THROUGH”
    When she SAID ,” It’s the THOUGHT”
    I was SORry I BOUGHT
    Her one SHOE lace, I SHOULD have got TWO

  26. Lisi Nortman says:

    Hubby CLAIMED “I just KNOW that I CAN”
    I rePLIED, “You are SUCH an old MAN”
    “But let’s GIVE it a TRY
    I’m FEELing real HIGH”
    (It’s been ONly a THIR ty year SPAN)

  27. Jesse Levy says:

    My father gave me a nice gift
    It gave my young heart quite a lift.
    When my brother found out
    It sure made him pout
    And caused a decades-long rift.

  28. Sharon Neeman says:

    A word to the wise from my Gran:
    “Now, why does a cat need a man —
    Or a woman? Because
    They’ve no thumbs on their paws,
    They need humans to open a can!”

  29. Sharon Neeman says:

    Sometimes gifts don’t result from affection;
    Sometimes motives do not pass inspection —
    And the proof can be seen
    Back in 2016,
    When the Russians gave Trump the election.

  30. John Bergstrom says:

    A friend of mine worked in a can-
    -nery somewhere way up there in Can-
    -ada – then took a chance
    went to France, learned to dance –
    So now she can can, or Can-can.

  31. Lisi Nortman says:

    My FRIEND has been UNder much STRESS
    So I BOUGHT her a LOVEly blue DRESS
    A CHRIStian DiOR
    You CAN’t ask for MORE
    Here she IS !! in a BLUE, can you GUESS?

  32. Lisi Nortman says:

    In the FIFties, we HAD a great PLAN
    On a VEry hot DAY, we beGAN
    To HIDE and then RUN
    Oh BOY, it was FUN
    We’ll NEver forGET: “KICKing the CAN”

  33. Dave Johnson says:

    An amorous couple began
    Canoodling back in the can.
    Six miles up above,
    Making passionate love;
    A door lock was part of the plan.

    But turbulence had its own way;
    An air pocket ruined their play.
    As they both tumbled out,
    The fellow would shout:
    “We’re flying United, OK?”

  34. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction of meter

    I BOUGHT a real NICE gift for SUE
    She’s BEEN my best FRIEND, “through and THROUGH”
    When she SAID, “It’s the THOUGHT”
    I was SORry I BOUGHT
    One SHOE lace, I SHOULD have bought TWO

  35. Lisi Nortman says:

    I KNOW that my NIECE underSTANDS
    That I CAN’T always BUY the best BRANDS
    Even THOUGH I’m in DEBT
    She STILL got upSET
    When I GAVE her a CLOCK with no HANDS

  36. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction of meter and using the wrong word:

    In the FIFties we HAD a great PLAN
    On a VEry hot DAY we beGAN
    To HIDE and then RUN
    Oh BOY, it was FUN
    We’ll NEver forGET “Kick the CAN”

  37. Lisi Nortman says:

    “HAVE” correction

    To COOK a great MEAL for a MAN
    Keep in MIND that you NEED a great PLAN
    For creAtive cuiSINE
    Here’s a SPLENdid rouTINE:
    When you HAVE the time, Open a CAN

  38. Lisi Nortman says:

    That new GUY is a GOOD-lookin’ MAN
    And WOW, what a BEAUtiful TAN
    Even THOUGH I am SHY
    I’ll GIVE this a TRY:
    “Could YOU help me Open this CAN?”

  39. Lisi Nortman says:

    In PARis, there ONCE was a MAN
    Who was CRUDE when it CAME to DiANE
    His GROSS way to FLIRT
    Was to PICK up her SKIRT
    And THUS was the START of the CAN Can

    this was a correction

  40. Brian Allgar says:

    In her youth, my adventurous aunt
    Joined the Folies Bergère. She’d enchant
    As she danced, with élan,
    A high-kicking can-can,
    But now, poor old thing, she just can’t.

  41. Brian Allgar says:

    The horse was enormous, of teak;
    The Trojans admired its physique.
    Said Hector,”It’s nice,
    But how much is the price?”
    “None at all, it’s a gift”, said the Greek.

  42. Brian Allgar says:

    “More blessed to give than receive?”
    Said the Donald. “That’s bullshit, believe
    Me … unless it’s a whore
    That you’re paying to score –
    Just give her a good one, then leave.”

  43. Brian Allgar says:

    The frightening rumours are rife;
    He wants to be POTUS for life.
    “Well, dear, if you can,
    For life’s a good plan –
    A short one, I hope”, said his wife.

  44. Sharon Neeman says:

    Double-header time — first gift-giving, and then “can” — based on a true story (the names have been changed, and he wasn’t QUITE 80, but I needed it for the meter):

    My 80-year-old Grandpa Solly
    Had a sexy young neighbor named Polly.
    On his birthday, she said,
    “If you come to my bed,
    I’ll give you good times with my dolly.”

    He being a family man,
    He first asked his wife, Grandma Fran.
    With a smile sweet and wide,
    She most sagely replied,
    “Of course, dear. You may… if you can.”

  45. Lisi Nortman says:

    Need a GIFT? Go to “BOUtiques GaLORE”
    They have Items you’ve NOT seen beFORE
    When you SPOT the high PRICE
    You’ll TURN cold as ICE
    Then go QUICKly to “LA Dollar STORE”

  46. Lisi Nortman says:

    Having TROUble in FINDing a MAN?
    Read,”Miss SEXy” and SHE’ll say you CAN !!
    Find SOMEone who’s CUTE
    Wear your SLEEK “birthday SUIT”
    Then get WRAPPED in real CLINGy”SaRAN”

  47. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m HOUSE-bound but STILL think I CAN
    Get a LOVEly and BEAUtiful TAN
    So I TOOK some hot TEA
    Poured it ALL over ME
    (I’m in “BURN-Unit” WITH my nurse FRAN)

  48. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mama SAID, “Cut that OUT with “your DAN”
    Or I’ll GIVE you a KICK in the CAN”
    There’s a WILL and a WAY
    And to THIS very DAY
    She did NOT see that COOL black SeDAN

  49. Lisi Nortman says:


    I GOT a real NICE gift for SUE
    She’s BEEN my best FRIEND, through and THROUGH
    When she SAID, “It’s the THOUGHT”
    I was SORry I BOUGHT
    One SHOE lace, I SHOULD have got TWO

  50. Brian Allgar says:

    In Russia, it seems that the man
    Is often confused with the can,
    So the Donald was peed on;
    Some say he agreed on
    This urinological plan.

    [Alternative version]

    In Russia, it seems that the man
    Is often confused with the can,
    But the Donald said “Hell,
    Being peed on is swell –
    Yellow hair was all part of my plan.”

  51. Sharon Neeman says:

    I don’t know by what fiend you were driven
    To give me the gift that keeps givin’ —
    But that bitch, in the year
    And two months she’s been here,
    Has had twenty-eight puppies, all livin’.

  52. Brian Allgar says:

    Sharon –

    That’s strange … my Mama was called Polly,
    And she frequently spoke of ‘old Solly’.
    When I asked her, “Hey, Mom –
    Where do babies come from?”
    She replied, “From a neighbourly folly.”

  53. Lisi Nortman says:

    I will TRY just as HARD as I CAN
    To get NEAR that exCITing cool MAN
    Bruce SPRINGsteen’s the BEST
    Better THAN all the REST
    “Watch OUT !!Think you’re HIS only FAN?”

  54. Jesse Levy says:

    That tough cop known as “The Man”
    Told the punks he’d throw them in the can
    They thought he meant jail
    Not the gross garbage pail
    But that was the crazy cop’s plan.

  55. Lisi Nortman says:

    that didn’t work out: try again:

    I will TRY just as HARD as I CAN
    To get NEAR that exCITing cool MAN
    Bruce SPRINGsteen’s the BEST
    Better THAN all the REST
    “Hey, GIRL, he’s got MORE than one FAN”

  56. Lisi Nortman says:

    I will TRY just as HARD as I CAN
    To get NEAR that exCITing cool MAN
    Bruce SPRINGsteen’s the BEST
    Better THAN all the REST
    “Watch OUT, he’s got MORE than one FAN”

    used “Watch OUT”

  57. Brian Allgar says:

    The horse was enormous, of teak;
    The Trojans admired its physique.
    Said Hector,”It’s nice,
    But how much is the price?”
    “None at all, it’s a gift”, said the Greek.

  58. Lisi Nortman says:

    Bob SAID that my ROAST beef was CRUMmy
    Like a BABy, he THEN told his “MUMmy”
    So she WENT to the “NOOK”
    And BOUGHT me this BOOK:
    “My DAUGter-in LAW is a DUMmy”

  59. Sharon Neeman says:

    I don’t mind being put in a can
    And then made to lie still for the scan –
    But what’s really not fair?
    There’s no CAT anywhere!
    That doc lied to me! Just like a man!

  60. Lee Whitlow says:

    D.C. scandals will always arise,

    Filled with sex and polluted with lies.

    The wife does what she can,

    To hold on to her man.

    But the call-girl calls and off he flys.
    Crony Congress so old and so gray,

    So much money “the people” must pay,

    We must do what we can,

    To change terms to short span,

    Or like pimples, they won’t go away.

  61. Lisi Nortman says:

    new stress word

    I will TRY just as HARD as I CAN
    To get NEAR that exCITing cool MAN
    Bruce SPRINGsteen’s the BEST
    ForGET all the REST
    “Watch OUT, he’s got MORE than one FAN”

  62. Lisi Nortman says:

    The DAY I forGOT to eat BRAN
    I had NO need to GET to the CAN
    But I KEPT going “TOOT”
    It WASN’t real CUTE
    My own DOG had to SLEEP near the FAN

  63. Lisi Nortman says:

    The DONald’s not ONE of our WINNers
    Some THINK he is QUITE like those SINners
    So I WENT to the “NOOK”
    And BOUGHT him a BOOK:
    “How NOT To Tell LIES For BeGINners”

  64. Lisi Nortman says:

    He MIGHT always SAY that he CAN
    But I KNOW something TRUE about STAN
    In BED he will “BLUSH”
    But I”LL never RUSH
    Cause I KNOW he’s all READy beGAN

  65. Lisi Nortman says:

    I KNOW what has HAPpend to GAIL
    Her HEARing is STARTing to FAIL
    So I WENT to the “NOOK”
    And BOUGHT her a BOOK
    Making SURE that it ALL was in BRAILLE

  66. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’ve been TOLD that I’m NOT really SWIFT
    Cause I CAN’T buy a SUITable GIFT
    For DAD I bought BOOZE
    And NICE Platform SHOES
    I just WANted to GIVE him a LIFT

  67. Lisi Nortman says:

    On THANKSgiving GO to JaPAN
    An iDEA that is GREAT and sure CAN
    Work JUST like a CHARM
    It will DO you no HARM
    Why COOK for that UNgrateful CLAN?

  68. Dave Johnson says:

    A lady of wealth, Maryanne
    Asked the teller – a handsome young man:
    “I’m horny today;
    Would you come out to play?
    I’ll check with the bank, if you can.”

  69. Andy Sewina says:

    Hi Mad, it’s amazing what you can do in May.
    Love your piece! Here’s mine :
    She volleys the puck like a man
    return it to her if you can
    Don’t use an ice pick
    with your hockey stick
    If you are a true Penguins fan

  70. Lisi Nortman says:

    My extremely staid mom named Jo-Anne
    Said, “Please don’t use words such as “can”
    Then my friends made a mess
    And she had to express:
    “What went on? Did the “fit hit the shan?”

  71. Brian Allgar says:

    Said the Donald “Oh, where is the man
    Who can build me the wall that I plan
    To keep out all them lice,
    And with caverns for ICE?”
    Said Coleridge, “I think Kubla can.“

  72. Jesse Levy says:

    Hey, Jared! Where is that man?
    Mid-East flames starting to fan.
    Peace? He will do it
    If he’d just get to it.
    If he can’t help, nobody can!

  73. Lisi Nortman says:

    “My First Limerick” (I had it bronzed)

    This is really the way it began
    I was sitting right there on the can
    I thought of a rhyme
    For the very first time
    And thought Wow! what a super-cool plan

  74. Lisi Nortman says:

    One thing I have never concluded
    To this day, it hasn’t “computed”
    I was given some batteries
    (With no special flatteries)
    The card just read, “Gift Not Included”

  75. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction excluding the word “ungrateful”

    On Thanksgiving, go to Japan
    An idea that is great and sure can
    Work just like a charm
    It will do you no harm
    Why cook for that real grubby clan?

  76. Dave Johnson says:

    Her husband gave beautiful things;
    Like necklaces, bracelets and rings.
    She found out he had,
    As a two-timing cad,
    Leftovers from previous flings.

  77. Lisi Nortman says:

    I met a real handsome guy, Dan
    We made love in his brand-new Sedan
    Now take a good look
    At my baby girl “Brooke”
    (Mama said, “Do the best that you can)

  78. Mike Shulman says:

    A homely old dullard named Danny
    Thought to spice up the look of his fanny.
    He sat on a fan,
    Thus dissecting one can,
    And declared his new profile uncanny.

  79. Lee Whitlow says:

    “THE GIFT OF ITCH FOR A SON OF A B_ _ _ _ ” ( lol )

    He cheated on his girlfriend, named Babs.

    To her circle of friends, Babs then blabs:

    “Well, I gave him a gift,

    THAT….will teach him to drift!!”

    I arranged that he got back his CRABS!!

  80. Sharon Neeman says:

    My cat’s an incurable giver,
    Though her presents do cause me to shiver:
    She’ll bring into the house
    A dead lizard or mouse
    Or what once was a bird’s heart or liver.

    If she hasn’t been hunting that day,
    She will give me a hairball (oy vey!).
    It’s all part of her plan:
    She just does what she can
    To make sure I don’t give her away.

  81. Lisi Nortman says:

    There’s a girl at my job who’s named Jill
    So cheap, that she makes us real ill
    For “Guess Who’s Your Santa”
    She gave me Mylanta
    In that case, it sure “fit the bill”

  82. Lisi Nortman says:

    Don’t put Christmas gifts under the tree
    Your dog will then go have a “spree”
    That lovable hound
    May eat something he’s found
    And in some cases, might even pee

  83. Lisi Nortman says:

    Poor John Gotti was put in the can
    Tried to get away, so then he ran
    At quite a fast pace
    But did not win the race
    (Couldn’t hire his loyal hit man)

  84. Lisi Nortman says:

    This is really not such a great gift
    But I had to rely on “The Thrift”
    I recalled that foul smell
    It looked mighty swell
    It’s a rag that your dog once had sniffed

  85. For his message, Obama’s big plan
    was to dole out the words “Yes we can.”
    Trump, in much bigger font,
    wrote “I do what I want!”
    and still far too many cry “When?”

  86. Sharon Neeman says:

    He swore, “I’ll give you everything, Thea” —
    But what did he give? Mamma Mia!
    First, children, of course —
    Then (before the divorce)
    Both bankruptcy and gonorrhea.

  87. Sharon Neeman says:

    He looked rich, he walked tall, he talked swell,
    And he turned women’s heads — but the smell
    That he left in the can
    Was sufficient to ban
    Him forever from every hotel.

  88. Bob Dvorak says:

    I tried Mad’s mad lim to the plan,
    But its terrible meter won’t scan.
    The result? Not a splash;
    It’s closer to trash,
    So it’s where it belongs — in the can.

  89. Lisi Nortman says:

    It’s hot here, but maybe I can
    Think of some way to get a great plan
    There’s a terrible fire
    Thus, my skill will require
    Jumping into a big frying pan

    get it?

  90. Tony Holmes says:

    “I give you permission, You may.
    So, do not demur, or delay.
    Are you able? You can?
    Oh, that’s splendid! Good man!
    Well, do carry on then. Good day!”

  91. Bob Dvorak says:

    I just re-read the limerick I wrote a few hours back and realized that it sounds like I’m criticizing Mad’s “own” limerick — which it wasn’t. It was supposed to be criticizing the imaginary limerick that -I- wrote. So I’ve re-written it to a bit clearer. Sorry for any confusion.

    I wrote a mad lim to Mad’s plan,
    But its terrible meter won’t scan.
    The result? Not a splash;
    It’s closer to trash,
    So it’s where it belongs — in the can.

  92. Patrice Stewart says:

    When she does the can-can, you can
    See exactly where (blank) meets that tan.
    As long legs kicked higher,
    His groin was on fire –
    Eyes met, he waved cash: happy man…

  93. Patrice Stewart says:

    His mentor urged, Do all you can
    To get into office, young man!
    You’re rich, avid, cunning,
    No ethics (hey, funning):
    All good! Donald listened, and ran.

    Roy helped teach me all that I know:
    My fame multiplied (that means grow,
    To you peons). I’m rich,
    A real son-of-a-bitch
    With true power! Because I said so.

    If we could get into his mind,
    I think we’d be staggered to find
    Thoughts of chicks with huge tits
    On large beds at the Ritz.
    That’s our Prez! A real fun-loving kind.

  94. Patrice Stewart says:

    The hapless director was wishin’
    His team could take off and go fishin’.
    That night in the can,
    He fell in: down a man!
    They forecast no-go for the mission.

  95. Lisi Nortman says:

    He’s old enough now so I can
    Give Billy my Chevy Sedan
    He’ll drive it one mile
    Each night, but with “style”
    Just to get to the park with Diane

  96. Lisi Nortman says:

    The card said to bring a “gag gift”
    So I tried my best luck at “The Thrift”
    I arrived with a rag
    And dressed up in drag
    I wonder why he was so miffed

  97. Lisi Nortman says:

    not a real great gift

    I met a cute guy who’s named Frank
    The problem was he always stank
    So I bought him some soap
    (the kind “on a rope”)
    The funeral’s at ten in Urbank

  98. Lisi Nortman says:

    fruit of the month club: another bad gift

    Please stop sending me so much damn fruit
    All day, and all night I go “toot”
    My wife packed and left
    I’m just so bereft
    And what’s worse, is I ain’t got no loot

  99. Lisi Nortman says:

    It’s the thought that counts

    I said to my dearest niece, Jenny
    “So what, if I gave you a penny?
    I can’t afford more
    So stop being sore
    Or next year you just won’t get any”

  100. Lisi Nortman says:

    It’s not really that bad, I suppose
    They put me in gross orange clothes
    So I’m here in the can
    With “room mate” Diane
    That damn guard stole my new panty hose

  101. Lisi Nortman says:

    My wife had me put in the can
    I still loved her, so I had a plan:
    That I couldn’t resist
    A conjugal “tryst”
    With that really hot guard, Marianne

  102. Mark Kane says:

    Some find him a dirty old man.
    With a girl half his age, here’s his plan:
    If she rides him all night,
    And you know she just might;
    Since he’s gotten these pills … Yes he can!

  103. Ken Gosse says:

    Birds of Different Feathers ~
    I believe that a toucan can can-can
    More enticingly than any man can
    (Of course, that’s just my view)
    And I don’t think it’s true
    That the geisha’s who dance in Japan can.

  104. Lisi Nortman says:

    Last Friday, we gals caught Miss Fran
    Drinking wine with a cute married man
    Barb said, “What a bitch
    Let’s both go and snitch”
    I then gave her some worms in a can

  105. Lisi Nortman says:

    At the Renaissance Fair in Urban
    The “court jester” was played by Diane
    She told all the folks
    Some real silly jokes
    And had more fun than any fool can

  106. Lisi Nortman says:

    wedding:”cash gifts only”

    When the card says to “give only cash”
    I think that is rather quite brash
    So hand them some dough
    Say, “Knead really slow”
    Then go throw that invite in the trash

  107. Kirk Miller says:

    There’s a fire at a circus. A man
    Sees the flames and devises a plan.
    The heat is in tents,
    The pressure immense.
    He is doing asbestos he can.

  108. Lisi Nortman says:

    It’s close to that seven day span
    Gee! what else could one think of for “can?”
    I sit here and sweat
    So “Dahling” please get
    Me a state of the art “power fan”

  109. Lisi Nortman says:

    I bought a nice gift for Dumb Fred:
    A diagram easily read:
    “A goes into B”
    “B goes into “C”
    Now he knows what to do when in bed

  110. Tim James says:

    I built Drea, my droid, with a bust
    Made from milk jugs, quite large and out-thrust.
    Her butt’s small, smooth and tan
    (It’s an old root beer can).
    Now my toaster is burning with lust.

  111. Tony Holmes says:

    Wizened roué, Carbunculous Gran,
    Is the archetype ‘Dirty Old Man’.
    In his mackintosh coat,
    This lascivious goat,
    Is still eager to prove that he can.

  112. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mike said that he a had a great plan:
    “Let’s go and make out in my van”
    But it wasn’t so dreamy
    When the windows got steamy
    And a cop shined a light on his can

  113. Lisi Nortman says:

    Uncle Lenny’s so cheap that I fear
    His “frugality’s” getting severe
    When I turned twenty one
    That son of a gun
    Gave a Q-Tip to clean just one ear

  114. Lisi Nortman says:

    Uncle Jordan buys gifts, (well he tries)
    But this one just took the first prize
    I asked, “What is this?”
    He replied, “My dear Chris
    It’s “fake” honey, to keep away flies”

  115. Lisi Nortman says:

    When I saw that real hunk (who’s named Dan)
    That same day, we made love in his van
    We had such affection
    With little protection
    (Our “moment of catch-as-catch-can”)

  116. Mark Kane says:

    And here’s my second ‘Dirty Old Man’ limerick of the week. Do we detect a trend here?

    While getting her bare it-all-tan,
    She noticed a dirty old man.
    “Please join me,” said she.
    “I’d love to,” said he,
    “Yes I’ll come just as soon as I can.”

  117. Sharon Neeman says:

    Tall young Dan had fine clothes and a tan;
    Scruffy Stan had a wife and a van.
    When Dan kidnaped Stan’s wife,
    Stan gave chase with a knife…
    Stan’s divorced, and they’re both in the can.

  118. Lisi Nortman says:

    A gift that went right in the trash

    My very conceited niece, Jane
    Is the girl who we all call “Miss Pain”
    Last Christmas I got
    A ridiculous shot
    Which read “Here is a pic of my brain”

  119. Brian Allgar says:

    A fine gourmet meal was her plan
    To charm and seduce her new man,
    But the girl was so hot
    That he said, “Tell you what –
    Let’s just screw, and then open a can.”

  120. Kirk Miller says:

    On the Pope they imposed a new ban:
    Can’t use washing machines; that’s the plan.
    To get his clothes clean,
    Can’t use a machine.
    If he uses a vat he can.

  121. Lisi Nortman says:

    CORRECTION: a gift that goes right in the trash

    Here’a a story about my niece Jane
    Who’s conceited and really a pain
    She thinks she’s real hot
    And sent me a shot
    Titled “Here is a pic of my BRAIN”

  122. Lisi Nortman says:

    I only want gifts that are money
    Hand over that green stuff, please Honey
    I’m done doin’ tricks
    And I need a good fix
    Stop laughing, cause it ain’t real funny

  123. Lisi Nortman says:

    stressed syllable correction

    I only want gifts that are money
    Hand over that green stuff, please, Honey
    I’m done doin’ tricks
    And I need a good fix
    Stop laughing (it just ain’t real funny)

  124. Lisi Nortman says:

    third try (use of the word “turnin”)

    I only want gifts that are money
    Hand over that green stuff, please Honey
    I’m done turnin’ tricks
    And I need a good fix
    Stop laughing (it just ain’t real funny)

  125. David Reddekopp says:

    When I spoke, then the shit hit the fan
    I can’t help it; I’m only a man
    It’s for this I took flack
    “It’s a shame she comes back
    For she has a magnificent can.”

  126. David Reddekopp says:

    I took out my girl for a screw
    And then I announced we were through
    As we sipped from our Slurpees
    She said “I have herpes;
    This gift I have given to you.”

  127. Lisi Nortman says:

    My mother-in-law is pathetic
    And she happens to be diabetic
    I brought her some brandy
    With nice chocolate candy
    Which caused her to get quite frenetic

  128. Lisi Nortman says:

    When you get to age fifty, you can
    Feel hot and then cool down again
    This cycle won’t stop
    Till you just want to plop
    So go buy a really good fan

  129. Tim James says:

    A Berliner whose marital bed
    Had grown cold took a mistress instead.
    His Frau was quite miffed.
    So she gave him a Gift,
    Which is German for “poison.” He’s dead.

  130. Lisi Nortman says:

    My lovable kitty, Diane
    Isn’t leaping the way that she can
    I don’t know what’s wrong
    Where’s her “mee-ow-ing” song?
    Tomorrow she’ll get her cat scan

  131. Dave Johnson says:

    When thinking you can’t but you can,
    Just try with this one simple plan.
    Put the usual dont’s
    In a box with your wont’s,
    Then begin like before they began.

  132. Lisi Nortman says:

    Oh Boy, how I hope you succeed
    Please get me a gift that I need
    To brighten my day
    In that real special way
    Which does the trick like some good weed

  133. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mom was wise and remarkably bold
    I will never forget what she told
    me: “Find a rich man
    As fast as you can
    And make sure he is ninety years old”

  134. Dave Johnson says:

    It seems to be part of his plan:
    “Let’s get the most horrible man
    To fill out my crew;
    And the rest of them too.
    They’re boltin’ as fast as they can.”

  135. Tony Holmes says:

    There was an old man of Oban
    Who played tunes on a watering can.
    Though devoted to jazz,
    Which he played with pizzazz,
    He was also a fan of Chopin.

  136. Lisi Nortman says:

    At the oculist back in July
    I met my real stupid friend, “Di”
    Then she came to my place
    And said, “Here’s a gift, Grace:
    It’s mascara to match your pink eye”

  137. Lisi Nortman says:

    My “shoplifting” friend Mary Anne
    Got caught and was put in the can
    Then she said “My dear Faye
    Come over this way
    Would you like it in red, blue or tan?”

  138. Dave Johnson says:

    In order to patch up their rift,
    He opted to buy her a gift.
    His choice was a wig
    Three sizes too big;
    Reaction was angry and swift.

  139. Fred Bortz says:

    Of the deal that we signed with Iran,
    Our President said, “Yes, we can.”
    And at first, yes we did,
    But alas, we’ve now slid,
    So we don’t, ‘cause we’re now Trumpistan.

  140. Fred Bortz says:

    In politics, wouldn’t you know,
    That when given a quid, there’s a quo.
    So when you get a gift,
    You had better be swift
    To respond with whatever you owe.

  141. Fred Bortz says:

    My first try at an acrostic:

    The Donald said, “I have a plan.
    Regarding the phrase, ‘Yes, you can.’
    Undoing Obama
    Makes for unending drama,
    Proves to the whole world who’s The Man.”

  142. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    My cooking’s the best—I’m the man—
    If you like all your meals from a can.
    I can make stuff from scratch,
    But it varies by batch;
    You might say it’s a flash in the pan.

  143. Tony Holmes says:

    A part of me thinks that I shouldn’t
    Another’s convinced that I wouldn’t.
    But why not? I’m a MAN;
    I’m allowed if I can!
    At which point I discovered I couldn’t.

  144. Tony Holmes says:

    D and D

    A part of me says that I wouldn’t
    Another’s convinced that I couldn’t.
    But why not? I’m a MAN;
    I’m allowed if I can!
    The judge took the view that I shouldn’t.

  145. Kirk Miller says:

    Movie watcher, a fellow named Dan,
    Views Bruce Willis films all he can.
    “You adore Bruce, but why?”
    I once asked. His reply:
    “‘Cause you see I’m a Die Hard fan.”

  146. Lisi Nortman says:

    At Christmas, the gifts are real nice
    It’s the “thought” and never the price
    My boy said, “Here, dad
    I hope you’ll be glad”
    (Now a have a crate full of Old Spice)

  147. Sharon Neeman says:

    My neighbor downstairs — a real smarty —
    Brought a parrot (his gift) to my party.
    It pooped on my dress,
    Called my father “a mess,”
    And proclaimed that my mother was “tarty.”

    Let me tell you, I really was pissed!
    Though (thank goodness) I hadn’t been kissed
    By that creepy old dude,
    I was thoroughly screwed,
    And I “gave” him a punch with my fist.

  148. Mark Kane says:

    And my third ‘Dirty Old Man’ limerick for this contest follows:

    A stripper came up with this plan.
    She’d offered a ‘Dance’ to a man.
    He replied, “Sure you’re nice,
    But I’ll pay twice your price
    If my dear, you can dance the Can-can!”

  149. Lisi Nortman says:

    I went to Paree with “my Dan”
    We rented a nice blue sedan
    But he drove on the right
    Then went through a red light
    Now we’re stuck in “Ooh La La Can”

  150. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction: forgot the word “both” in line 5

    I went to “Paree” with “my Dan”
    We rented a nice blue sedan
    But he drove on the right
    Then went through a red light
    Now we’re both stuck in “Ooh La La Can”

  151. Lisi Nortman says:

    My gift shopping’s just about done
    And I have to admit it was fun
    Yet I still couldn’t find
    A real special kind
    Of a better darn wife for my son

    (not a duplicate)

  152. Mark Kane says:

    A combo for this contest:

    For most women there’s no need to plan,
    When getting a GIFT for your man.
    So have you no fear,
    Just buy him some beer!
    Then watch him drink can after can.

  153. Patrice Stewart says:

    She urged him on: Do what you can
    In five minutes, next I have Stan!
    Barb lined them up nightly
    And not too politely,
    Yet most nights they’re back, to a man
    (She’s stacked, lusty, cheap, with a tan).

  154. Lisi Nortman says:

    Here’s a musical gift from the “group”
    We think it will give you a whoop
    It’s a new toilet seat
    That’s really quite neat
    It plays “Oh Happy Day”when you poop

  155. Lisi Nortman says:

    I bought a great gift for “Sweet Drake”
    To insert in his dear, precious, “snake”
    It’s a real tiny string
    That goes “ding” “ding” “ding”
    Every time that he makes a mistake

  156. Patrice Stewart says:

    Truthful Outburst #2773: Another Day, Same Ol’ Donald

    He snickered, You’ve heard my great plan –
    Whole four years to undo what I can!
    Trump to ghostly confessor
    About his predecessor.
    Roy sighed: Donald, work on your tan…

    You know how much I hate him, he’s Black!
    Plus Michelle claims he’s good in the sack.
    He can’t touch me! Obama
    Better run to his mama,
    And no one wants Hillary back.

    White House staff stare as red-faced and foaming
    At the mouth, up and down halls he’s roaming.
    Someone called, tasked a drone:
    Trump can’t be left alone!
    Avert eyes; that’s his rug he’s back-combing.

  157. Dave Johnson says:

    He proudly proclaims “Mister Winky”
    Will never be thought of as dinky.
    In fact, here’s the plan:
    With Viagra, he can
    Be almost as big as his pinky.

  158. Dave Johnson says:

    Huh? Awaiting moderation?


    From MBK:

    The anti-spam software automatically triggers “moderation” when certain words like viagra are used.And that means I have to see and approve it. It’s up on my blog now. :)

  159. Dave Johnson says:

    Thanks for helping with this Mad.


  160. Kirk Miller says:

    To a Quaker he knows, the man sends
    Thoughtful gift that he later defends.
    Their sacred Society
    Asserts impropriety,
    But the Quakers contend they’re just Friends.

  161. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 298. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off File.