Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FILE or DEFILE at the end of any one line

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FILE or DEFILE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PARENTING, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PARENTING-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on June 10, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 9, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

I could break out of jail with a file.
I could talk my way out, using guile.
But I’d rather get loose
Riding out on a moose,
Cuz my motto is “do things in style.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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147 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FILE or DEFILE at the end of any one line”

  1. The NFL owners all smile
    And clap, though Trump’s orders are vile:
    “Bow and scrape!”
    “Kiss the white cape!”
    “Serfs, march and salute, single file!”

  2. Parenting’s easy as pie—
    At least to the apples of your eye.
    Just pay sky-high bills,
    Forget former thrills
    And dote on your kids till you die.

  3. Brian Allgar says:

    Trump’s parents, I’m sorry to say,
    Abandoned the old-fashioned way.
    He sucked on a dummy
    Instead of his mummy;
    That’s why he’s a dummy today.

  4. Brian Allgar says:

    A mixture of cunning and guile,
    Of anger, of spleen and of bile …
    For the nightmare to end,
    It may rather depend
    On what Mueller has got in his file.

  5. Stephen Fleming says:

    Designs on a fair lady Ann
    To spur for a dance of a plan
    The bop horizontal
    From dusk’n then dawn ’till
    She saucily said, “I can can.”

  6. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Take it easy, my sweet darling, Leigh.
    I’ll get lunch for the kids, watch and see.”
    “Thanks, the twins just like cheese,
    But Gail’s hard to please.”
    (To which he replied, “We’ve got THREE?”)

  7. Lisi Nortman says:

    We’re taking a plane to Madrid
    And bringing our new baby “Cyd.”
    We’ve packed bottles and diapers,
    The car seat and “wipers.”
    But we can’t seem to locate the kid.

  8. Lisi Nortman says:

    The people are always complaining.
    I feel that this needs some explaining:
    When Trump was a child,
    His parents “went wild”
    And screwed up his whole potty training.

  9. Brian Allgar says:

    (In recent weeks, I feel I have been neglecting the essence of the limerick – smuttiness.)

    The girl was a true spermophile,
    And she went at the job with a smile.
    Then she swallowed the lot.
    Saying “That hit the spot!
    Could you manage some more in a while?”

  10. Lisi Nortman says:

    Billy’s toys need a special compartment !
    My wife says, “That’s not my department!”
    There’s so much baby crap
    So after his nap
    Let’s get him his own damn apartment !

  11. Lisi Nortman says:

    Sister Jane let us all dress in style
    She said, “Goodness will make a girl smile”
    But when John ripped my dress
    Then made a “weird” mess
    My virtue, he thus did defile

  12. Lisi Nortman says:

    My manicures just make me smile
    When I leave, I am always in style
    But today, it was locked
    I was really quite shocked
    The note said, “We can’t find defile”

  13. Brian Allgar says:

    Sarah Huckabee Sanders, with guile,
    Said “A President cannot defile
    His position by treason,
    It just stands to reason …”
    Her usual mendacious style.

  14. Brian Allgar says:

    “Them kneelers insult and defile
    Our great nation!” screams Donald with bile.
    So the owners have planned
    That the players must stand,
    Then raise their right arms and shout “Heil!”

  15. Patrice Stewart says:

    She strolled to the back with a file,
    Followed by… They were gone quite a while.
    He was known as the Paw
    In that office of law.
    Catty staff noted more than one pile

    Of files spread out where carpet showed wear
    And at lunch, dust was seen in her hair.
    All that morning-time friction
    Affected her diction,
    But – confident – she didn’t care.

    The next week it happened twice more:
    Her work suffered. Staff knew the score;
    There was muttered conjecture
    She’d get a big lecture
    Or finally be shown the door.

    But the Paw smiled: her hemlines rose higher.
    He seemed in no hurry to hire
    Another file clerk
    Who would actually work.
    Each day, new and skimpy attire.

    Two months went by. One day, the Claw
    (Senior partner and pa to the Paw)
    Sighed: Son, though I’m in awe
    Your mom’s laid down the law
    After, somehow, on YouTube she saw

    What looked like your a** on the floor
    In the back (no loyal staff anymore!).
    So although you admire her,
    You’ve just got to fire her…
    Staff smirked as she flounced out the door.

    But the Paw, up to usual tricks,
    Interviewed clerks and made cunning picks
    Then chose one to defile.
    Rugs replaced the old pile;
    They’re in back searching for Dixon Licks.

  16. Brian Allgar says:

    (Title? Just insert the name of anyone accused of drugging and raping aspiring young actresses.)

    “I will teach you to charm and beguile
    All those casting directors, with style.
    I can help your career
    If you swallow this, dear;
    The secrets are all in my phial.”

  17. Patrice Stewart says:

    Ben takes no more calls in the can:
    Fan too loud, he mistook Pam for Jan.
    She then mailed a thick file
    Boxed with great care and guile,
    Results showing that Pam was no fan

    Of being his piece on the side.
    Once provoked, Hell hath… (no place to hide).
    Cut the string, lift the lid
    Was the last thing he did –
    BOOM! The cops searched in vain, though they tried
    (She’s at large in a small double wide).

  18. Brian Allgar says:

    In the President’s medical file,
    He denies he’s a swamp crocodile.
    But his foul, scaly skin
    And reptilian grin
    Convince me that Trump’s in de Nile.

  19. Patrice Stewart says:

    If Trump Had Interned

    On her first day, the main office jerk
    Pinched her bottom and leered, You’re a perk
    For us. Take those, go file;
    Love that cleavage, so smile!
    Though well paid, was it worth it to work

    At a place where the women were preyed on?
    Next day, asked officemate why they stayed on.
    Honey, kick ‘im or hit ‘im;
    Amy, there, she once bit ‘im!
    I’m Accounting: we sure overpay Don…

  20. Lisi Nortman says:

    When his buddies come over from school
    Try real hard: please don’t act like a fool
    Do not say a thing
    God forbid, you should sing
    Cause Dad, that just ain’t very cool

  21. Judith H Block says:

    All the children in line, single file,
    Be patient, this may take a while.
    It’s our new protector,
    A metal detector,
    The new safety, American style.

  22. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m so worried about my boy, “Cy”
    He was such a real talkative guy
    Now he plays with that phone
    I feel so alone
    His three words are just “yes”, “no” and “bye”

  23. Lisi Nortman says:

    Right into you life they do creep
    So precious, they just make you weep
    But then they will cry
    And you wonder just why
    It’s always when you’re fast asleep

  24. Lisi Nortman says:

    I know that he needs his “own space”
    But this room is just quite a disgrace
    There’s so much baby crap
    So after his nap
    Let’s go find him his own blasted place

  25. Lisi Nortman says:

    I see that you like that boy, “Shorty”
    I have to admit he’s real “sporty”
    But you’re only sixteen
    I don’t want to be mean
    So tell him to wait till you’re forty

  26. Steve Whitred says:

    Written before reading Mad’s sample limerick … Honest.
    Raising children is often a trial
    Like you’re stuck behind bars for a while
    Every birthday you ache
    As you search through their cake
    For a lock-pick, a key, or a file

  27. Brian Allgar says:

    A lovely young erectophile
    Gave blowjobs in athletic style.
    She would stand on her head,
    Acrobatically spread,
    Humming “Come, Baby, Come” all the while.

  28. Brian Allgar says:

    “This parenting’s rather complex,”
    Said his Mum, “When you find you’ve had sex
    With your son. And it’s sad
    That he killed his own Dad –
    I’m sorry, but Oedipus wrecks.”

  29. Lisi Nortman says:

    Come and see our brand new room for Ned
    With beige walls, and carpet in red
    The furniture’s pine
    (a real cool design)
    And his first “Playboy” under the bed

  30. Lisi Nortman says:

    Here’s advice that’s surely fool-proof
    (Even though you might think I’m a goof)
    When you go out to eat
    If you take little Pete
    Go and get a nice spot on the roof

  31. Lisi Nortman says:

    Right now, I just have to admit
    Very soon, I shall have a big fit
    My toddler can walk
    And also can talk
    But knows only one word, which is “shit”

  32. Brian Allgar says:

    He was shipwrecked, and swam for a mile
    Before reaching a small desert isle.
    Three huge natives appeared,
    And the mariner feared
    For his life, till one said with a smile:

    “Though we used to be cannibals – vile! –
    Human flesh is no longer our style.
    So Fee, Fo and Fum
    Won’t be eating you, chum …
    But I’m sorry to say Grandpa Fi’ll.”

  33. Lisi Nortman says:

    In my closet, I keep a large file
    And I peek at it once in a while:
    There’s Stanley and Bob
    Alexander and Rob:
    My divorce contracts, all in one pile

  34. Brian Allgar says:

    Said my wife, “The kids need an au pair”,
    So I hired a young Swede with blonde hair.
    She’s no good as a nanny,
    But, oh, what a fanny!
    And so, when my wife is elsewhere …

  35. One year is way more than a while.
    How much more need Mueller compile?
    Will we have to wait
    till Trump in year eight
    before there’s enough in the file?

  36. Brian Allgar says:

    Parenting – the facts of life

    “Tell me, Dad, where do babies come from?”
    I explained about storks with aplomb.
    He said, “Dad, don’t be silly,
    I know it’s a willy
    That makes a new baby in Mom.

    But sometimes, I happen to see
    Mom in bed with a neighbour or three
    When you’re out for a spell,
    So how can I tell
    Which of so many willies made me?”

  37. Dave Johnson says:

    Her parents were gone for the day,
    So Alex came over to play.
    But they didn’t know
    That Alexa would glow
    And record what was coming her way.

    Then contacts were found on a list;
    She sent them the sounds of their tryst.
    Reactions were fast;
    The folks were aghast.
    If only they’d cuddled and kissed…

  38. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Donald said, “I’m a real hotty”
    (Remember that so did John Gotti)
    Trump’s therapist said
    He wet his old bed
    He still will not go on the potty

  39. One year is way more than a while.
    How much more need Mueller compile?
    Will we have to wait
    till Trump in year eight
    before there’s enough in the file?

  40. Tony Holmes says:


    Dad insisted, ‘You’ll do as I say!’
    I absconded the very next day.
    ‘Twas many years later
    I found out that Pater
    Had rigged things to work out that way.

  41. Mike Moulton says:

    The charges that Mueller could file
    Leave Trump without his smug smile,
    As those in his ring
    Are starting to sing,
    And telling the truth‘s not his style.

  42. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m still nursing my little boy, Lee
    Who’s always been real close to me
    He enjoys the nice taste
    There’s never much waste
    And his high school friends all come to see

  43. Lisi Nortman says:

    There’s a document down in my file
    Which proves that this low-life, named Kyle
    Told all of his friends
    I’m “good at both ends”
    I sued for “Divulging My Style”

  44. Lisi Nortman says:

    Last night I began to compile
    The names of some guys for my file:
    The ones who are kinky
    And have a big winkie
    It’s “work” but is sure worth the while

  45. Lisi Nortman says:

    The teacher said, “Just gently hold’er”
    Then let her try crawling, when older
    You will get the knack
    Of patting her back
    Until she throws up on your shoulder

  46. Lisi Nortman says:

    This was actually made in the 1990’s but it did not go over too well

    This is really the weirdest new scoop
    A diaper that “knows” when there’s poop
    You hear a strange ring
    I goes “ding” “ding” “ding”
    (It’s worthless) Just smell that big droop

  47. Mike Shulman says:

    A fetishist hacker named Kyle
    Fancied footwear no matter the style.
    He’d rub and he’d sniff,
    Save the flats as a gif
    And the heels as a video file.

  48. Dave Johnson says:

    Cartoons – what the kids always saw;
    Them soaps were a favorite of Ma.
    Big brother liked sports
    And the fishin’ reports;
    FOX News wuz the channel fo’ Pa.

  49. Lisi Nortman says:

    I really want ice cream and pickles
    That baby inside me just tickles
    He’s coming right out !!
    I just have to shout !!
    God damn it, he looks like Don Rickles

  50. Dave Johnson says:

    His mode is demean and defile;
    To slather opponents with bile.
    He speeds our decay;
    And will ’till the day
    Bob Mueller gives reason to smile.

  51. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    I know it’s a bit of a cheat, but…

    Philanderer Phineas Phial
    Was a marathon runner from Lyle.
    When this horndog was training,
    He was never abstaining:
    “Cuz a miss is as good as a mile.”

  52. Lisi Nortman says:

    Each patient had one private file
    So the doctors could then all compile
    The state of their health
    But mostly their wealth
    To dupe them (Oh how they’d beguile)

  53. Tony Holmes says:

    Parenting: Lessons From Nature

    Lesson one: Birds and bees: seed is sown;
    Lesson two: what to do now they’re grown.
    Once you’ve taught them to fly
    Wave a grateful, ‘Goodbye!’
    And get on living lives of your own.

  54. Lisi Nortman says:

    I know that it’s nice, I suppose
    To watch how your child learns and grows
    But when they are two
    Sometimes you feel blue
    ‘Cause your life’s all about Cheerios

  55. Lisi Nortman says:

    I know I should just “bite my tongue”
    And I’m not one who’s very high-strung
    But there’s food in my hair
    Thus, I’m fully aware
    Why some animals eat all their young

  56. Lisi Nortman says:

    Bad parenting

    Mom said,”Don’t sit on any boy’s lap
    You see, it is really a trap
    You’ll get pregnant, my Dear
    For almost one year”
    Then I told her she’s real full of crap

  57. Lisi Nortman says:

    I had a amazing I.Q.
    My intelligence just grew and grew
    But since I had John
    The brain cells have gone
    My score now is “negative two”

  58. Lisi Nortman says:

    Good advice for parents:

    If you want to be totally cool
    Here is something you don’t learn in school:
    If the binky falls out
    There’s no need to shout
    Just follow the “ten second rule”

  59. Lisi Nortman says:

    Let’s name our sweet little girl Daisy
    Now, listen and don’t think I’m lazy:
    One child is enough
    It won’t be so rough
    (And also we’ll drive “gramma” crazy)

  60. Tony Holmes says:

    Nature’s Way

    Birds and bees: Lesson one: seed is sown.
    Lesson two: what to do now they’re grown.
    Once you’ve taught them to fly
    Wave a grateful, ‘Goodbye!’
    Then get on living lives of your own.

    The ‘Guilty But Cute’ Defense

    “I was guilty! It stood out a mile.
    (Add another offense to the file.)
    They surveyed the debris –
    Then remembered, ‘He’s three.’
    So, I twinkled and flashed them the smile.”


    “Take my arm, Dear, and walk down the aisle.
    I agree. Now you’re sober, he’s vile.
    You’ve a lifetime to think
    On the evils of drink,
    And the price that you pay to defile.’

    Cougar Alert

    “He is saying you used every wile;
    That you lured with intent to defile.
    He beseeched you, he claims,
    ‘Please! Abandon your aims!’
    But you flatly refused to resile.”

  61. Tony Holmes says:

    Cougar Alert, Too

    “As he tells it, you used every wile;
    That you lured with intent to defile.
    That you drove him to lust,
    Like a creature in musth;
    And, once roused, he could brook no denial.”

  62. Sharon Neeman says:

    Tried my house key, my Visa, a file,
    But the loo door’s still stuck on a tile.
    Called my hubby — *he’s* stuck
    In a meeting. Oh f&^%&$^$#k!
    Well, I guess I’ll just stick here a while.

  63. Sharon Neeman says:

    After many a difficult phase,
    Now they’ve each gone their separate ways,
    Finished school, found a spouse,
    Kept a job, bought a house —
    And I’m Grandma. Yep, parenting pays.

  64. Tony Holmes says:

    Parenting: Lessons From Nature/ Nature’s Way

    Birds and bees: Lesson one: seed is sown.
    Lesson two: what to do now they’re grown.
    Once you’ve taught them to fly
    Wave a grateful, ‘Goodbye!’
    Now it’s time to live lives of your own.

  65. Lisi Nortman says:

    We’ve all purchased real nice Christmas trees
    Here’s advice, so just listen folks, please
    Don’t waste money on toys
    For the girls or the boys
    Who spend all day jingling your keys

  66. Lisi Nortman says:

    When your doctor says he’ll call at nine
    You must make sure everything’s fine
    So try to relax
    Give your kid junky snacks
    Then you won’t hear that on-coming whine

  67. Lisi Nortman says:

    Jim wants you to be in the “now” style
    He comes home and then, hands you a file
    With pictures he took
    How he wants you to look
    Shove that box in his face. Then you smile

  68. Dave Johnson says:

    Her parents were haughty and strict;
    Demeaning whomever she picked.
    Deciding to roam,
    She abruptly left home;
    Their will could no longer inflict.

    One evening, they turned on their set;
    Comeuppance is what they would get.
    The daughter they’d lose
    Would now get to choose;
    For she was the new “Bachelorette”.

  69. Lisi Nortman says:

    If your kids are getting along
    And singing a sweet lovely song
    Please take my advice
    You need to think twice:
    There is something exceedingly wrong

  70. Lisi Nortman says:

    It’s great to have warm family ties
    But here’s some advice for the wise:
    If you have little tots
    You might see some spots
    And your car will just reek of French fries

  71. Lisi Nortman says:

    Parents Beware:

    Be careful when choosing a name
    You don’t want to cause your child shame
    Is it “Richard” or “Dick”?
    Are you really that thick?
    Just think, guys, cause you are to blame

  72. Lisi Nortman says:

    Please go potty, my Dear Darling, Sue
    I know you can do it. That’s true
    I’ll give you spaghetti
    So now are you ready?
    Hooray! You just did it, WAHOO!

  73. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: I have eliminated the word “Thanks” in 6th limerick from the top
    so it will have the correct meter: correction:

    “Take it easy my sweet darling, Leigh
    I’ll get lunch for the kids, watch and see”
    “The twins just like cheese
    But Gail’s hard to please”
    To which he replied, “We’ve got THREE?”

  74. Richard Campbell says:

    Poor Harv’s boss was simply so vile,
    He would always address Harv with bile.
    “Since I gave you that work,
    You’ve done nothing but shirk.”
    “That’s not so, Boss! De file! Here’s de file!”

  75. Daphne Steinberg says:

    (A note from Melania to Number Four)
    Before you two walk down the aisle,
    In my shoes you would well walk a mile.
    He’s a cheat and a louse
    And a horrible spouse.
    Have doubts? Check my private eye’s file.

  76. Diane Groothuis says:

    Her lovers names kept in a file
    She’d use them to give her a smile.
    Alphabetically sorted
    These guys who had courted
    The best on the top of the pile.

  77. Lisi Nortman says:

    Here’s a way to avoid all that hype
    If Grandma Jean knows how to type
    And she wants to see Billy
    That’s just kind’a silly
    Set up that equipment and skype

  78. Lisi Nortman says:


    I really want ice cream and pickles
    That baby inside me just tickles
    He’s coming right out!
    I just have to shout:
    My goodness, he looks like Don Rickles

  79. Lisi Nortman says:

    Sperm Bank

    My son went and broke my right knee
    He did not get his way, so you see
    I sneaked in the file
    For this father of Kyle
    It was someone who’s called “Donald T”

  80. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction: (line five)

    Let’s name our sweet little girl Daisy
    Now listen and don’t think I’m lazy
    One child is enough
    It won’t be so rough
    (And It’ll just drive “grandma” crazy)

  81. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’ve arranged a real notable file
    With moments that just made me smile:
    A lovely spring day
    (mostly in May)
    And when hubby was guilty on trial

  82. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction line five: sperm bank

    My son went and broke my right knee
    He did not get his way, so you see?
    I sneaked in the file
    For this father of Kyle
    The DONOR was called, “Donald T.”

  83. Dave Johnson says:

    At a restaurant table we see
    Two families, possibly three.
    The parents all stare
    At their phones; they don’t care.
    The kids are like, “Hey look at me!”

  84. Brian Allgar says:

    Prison visiting

    “I’ve brought you some goodies, home-style”,
    Said his Ma with a wink and a smile.
    So he gobbled the cake,
    But felt a tooth break –
    She had baked in a huge metal file.

  85. Sharon Neeman says:

    A black parent’s advice to a son:
    “Don’t scare white kids — not even in fun;
    Don’t pretend you’re on crack;
    Never carry a sack;
    And don’t dare turn your back on a gun.

    Never shove — stand in line, single file;
    Don’t let insolence show in your smile;
    Study hard; never fail;
    Go to Harvard or Yale —
    And you’ll stay out of jail… for a while.”

  86. Jean McEwen says:

    How DARE you Ivanka revile?
    Only I have the right to defile
    The virtue of cunts
    And to name all the runts
    Among cocks. (I’ve unparalleled guile.)

  87. Jean McEwen says:

    Even though my kids don’t start their day
    Eating oatmeal and yogurt, I say:
    Fuck the rules of nutrition
    And the dental technician!
    Count Chocula says it’s OK!

  88. Steve Whitred says:

    Self referential limerick:

    There’s a quirk in my limerick style
    That’s been irking me now for a while
    They all scan pretty well
    But they’re blander than hell
    So they’re tossed in the circular file

  89. Boghos L. Artinian says:


    When McDaniel fell and cut his chin

    He was purged of a cardinal sin;

    His passions had run low

    Until his blood did flow,

    And he now has a genuine grin!

  90. Patrice Stewart says:

    A-parent-ly Not

    I just knew from the age of thirteen
    That I didn’t want kids, not my scene;
    Though my mom is the best
    And long since, I’ve confessed
    I prefer cats (plus there’s less to clean).

    I married a guy – either way,
    He was happy to have kids or nay.
    We saved money, less worry,
    So I’m in no hurry
    To tell this gen not to delay.

    Yes, I’m glad I was born, that I’m here.
    But I’m grateful for choice: not to rear
    Young could be my decision.
    I view with derision
    The Right, and that crocodile tear

    They would shed for the babies not born.
    We need more, in a world so war-torn
    Where food, basics are lacking!
    But God knows, we’re packing
    Heat. Carry on; warn, feeling worn
    (Trump continues to lie, cheat, suborn…).

  91. Patrice Stewart says:

    See my kids, watch ’em play in the dirt:
    Little Ricky gives Eddie a squirt
    Of wa..pee! in his face.
    I trot over and brace
    Myself: Ick, what’s that brown on his shirt?
    (I play bridge: call a Parent Alert.)

  92. Lisi Nortman says:

    Every mom thinks her girl is so pretty
    Even though she just looks really shitty:
    Kind of like a big ape
    Who just tried to escape
    One day she’ll find out. What a pity

  93. Richard Campbell says:

    Minor edit:

    Poor old Harv’s boss was simply so vile.
    He would always address Harv with bile.
    “Since I gave you that work,
    You’ve done nothing but shirk.”
    “That’s not so. Boss! De file! Here’s de file!”

  94. Lisi Nortman says:

    bad grammar parenting

    I cannot take this crying no more
    It just kills me right down to the core
    So I got some advice
    That sounded real nice:
    Leave the house. Take the keys. Lock the door.

  95. Lisi Nortman says:

    car trip from Chicago

    In the car, all your babies will chill
    Keep driving, try not to stay still
    You can get piece of mind
    Of a very rare kind
    Till you reach all the ports of Brazil

  96. Lisi Nortman says:

    “The First Time”

    I have a mysterious file
    Names of guys who are really “in style”
    I feel that I’m ready
    To satisfy Freddie
    “What the hell is that stuff? It tastes vile!”

  97. Lisi Nortman says:


    It’s great to have warm family ties
    But here are some FACTS for the wise:
    If you have little tots
    You might see some spots
    And your car will just reek of French fries

  98. Lisi Nortman says:

    I thought of a pertinent rhyme
    You’ll think it is really sublime
    When your kids start to scream
    Have a magical dream:
    Close your eyes. Travel back into time

  99. Tim James says:

    My son is a bully named Mitch.
    He’s defiant, a sneak and a snitch.
    When I ask who’s to blame,
    Dad says I was the same.
    Isn’t karma an absolute bitch?

  100. Armchair Poet says:

    Is he missing my cold, icy smile?
    I’ve been gone from D.C. for awhile.
    I could use some more rest.
    And I want to Be Best.
    Why of course, for divorce, I must file!

  101. Lisi Nortman says:

    There are somethings you must understand
    Not all things in life are just planned
    With “spaghetti in hair”
    You’ve nary a care
    At that moment you know “Ain’t Life Grand?”

  102. Lisi Nortman says:

    Now mom, please don’t have any fears
    Just wait until dad disappears
    He’s now on the plane
    Use your exceptional brain
    At the mall, they can now pierce her ears

  103. Lisi Nortman says:

    Let’s look at our “make a wish” file
    We’re going to Israel. SMILE !
    We’ll have so much fun
    In the hot desert sun
    For a camel, I’d just walk a mile

  104. Fred Bortz says:

    It begins with a glance and a smile,
    And with a slow dance, they beguile.
    As warmth grows in their pants,
    They soon take a chance.
    (Put this under “Romance” in your file.)

  105. Lisi Nortman says:


    There are some things you must understand
    Not all things in life are just planned
    With “spaghetti in hair”
    You have nary a care
    At that moment, you think, “Ain’t Life Grand?”

  106. Fred Bortz says:

    A two-fer

    One night in a frenzy of screamin’,
    Rosemary conceived with a demon.
    His devilish guile
    Her womb did defile.
    Now she’s raising a kid known for schemin’.

  107. Lisi Nortman says:

    second correction

    Right into your NICE life they do creep
    So precious, they just make you weep
    But then they will cry
    And you wonder just why
    It’s always when you’re fast asleep

  108. Lisi Nortman says:

    better meter

    There’s a document down in my file
    Which proves that a low-life named Kyle
    Told all of his friends
    That I’m “good at both ends”
    I then sued for “Divulging My Style”

  109. Bob Dvorak says:

    I write limericks once in a while;
    Do my best to elicit a smile.
    Wrote my best one last night,
    But a mischievous sprite
    Hacked my drive and deleted the file.

    Note: Some readers may well have a problem with L4 — because there’s a
    common mispronunciation of the word “mischievous”. There’s no “i” between the “v” and the “o”. The word is “MIS-chih-vis”, NOT “mis-CHEE-
    vee-uhs.” I actually tried to find an alternate word to prevent this issue —
    but couldn’t come up with one…

    (Some dictionaries, such as, elaborate on this issue…) I don’t mean to pontificate — I simply don’t want to lose points because a reader says “…but L4 doesn’t scan properly.”

  110. Lisi Nortman says:

    not a duplicate

    Now mom, please don’t have any fears
    Just wait until dad disappears
    He’s now on the plane
    Use your fabulous brain
    At the mall, they can now pierce her ears

  111. Dave Johnson says:

    A couple decided to file
    For divorce in a very short while
    After tying the knot;
    It seems that she caught
    Him texting an ex from the aisle.

  112. Dave Johnson says:

    With little ones out of the way,
    The parents decided to play.
    They later found out
    That the kids were about;
    And Snapchat can ruin your day.

  113. Tony Holmes says:

    Hi Bob!

    Mischievous is undoubtedly the best word, but if you are seeking alternatives you might wish to consider the following: vexatious: malevolent (my fav’): troublesome: venomous: vindictive. They all scan and are offered in a spirit of empathy. TH

  114. Lisi Nortman says:

    Parents: We’ve all been there

    You know that your child is real clever
    It’s time for your latest endeavor:
    A board game for two
    Called, “Fun At The Zoo”
    Who knew it would go on forever?

  115. Lisi Nortman says:

    Parents: remember that first birthday?

    Happy birthday, to John, your first child
    (Don’t you love that first day when he smiled?)
    Now let’s all sing along
    To that old famous song
    You’ll just scare him to death. He’ll go wild

  116. Lisi Nortman says:

    I bought an expensive new file
    To list names of guys who have “style”
    I haven’t much luck
    In the art of the f**k
    But mom said, “It just takes a while”

  117. Lisi Nortman says:

    meter correction

    Jim says that you “must be in style”
    He comes home and then hands you a file
    With pictures he took
    How he “wants you to look”
    Shove that box in his face, and just smile

  118. Dave Johnson says:

    If Mueller decided to file
    New charges for all of Trump’s bile,
    When placed end-to-end
    The briefs would extend
    A distance well over a mile.

  119. Lisi Nortman says:

    wise parent

    My computer’s messed up, I’m afraid
    Looks like all of my files are delayed
    There’s just one thing to do
    When in this kind of stew:
    Wait till Billy gets home from first grade

  120. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’ve read all of the books that propose
    “Keep an eye on your child as he grows”
    But I have to insist
    There is one thing they missed:
    Getting tuna fish out of the nose

  121. Dave Johnson says:

    The Fifties had “Father Knows Best”;
    Ben Cartwright the dad way out West;
    But then, a big change;
    A. Bunker was strange,
    H. Simpson is doing the rest.

  122. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our thirty year old son Jerome
    Still lives with us here at our home
    We’ve changed all the locks
    And set up some blocks
    Adios. Au revior. and Shalom

  123. Dave Johnson says:

    At dinner, a teen asked his dad
    “So how many girls have you had?”
    “Umm… six.” the reply;
    And then laughingly “Why?”
    “Mom guessed not enough” said the lad.

  124. Tim James says:

    He got thrown into jail for a while
    When they caught him at something quite vile.
    In a library nook
    He made love to a book.
    You could say he’s a bibliophile.

  125. Tony Holmes says:

    Parenting: A Lesson From Nature

    Lesson One: Birds and Bees: seed is sown.
    Lesson two: Begin training: they’re grown.
    Once they’ve learned how to fly,
    Wave a heartfelt, “Goodbye!”
    Lesson three: Take up lives of your own.

  126. Lisi Nortman says:

    My toddler’s extremely cute
    And we’ve never had any dispute
    But she talks a blue streak
    So for only one week
    I’d love a control that says, “mute”

  127. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m not a real bothersome type
    As a mom, you will not hear me gripe
    But sometimes I pray
    That for only one day
    I don’t want any damn thing to “wipe”

  128. Lisi Nortman says:

    Being “mommy” is not such a trap
    Here’s one thing you can do in a snap:
    Go into the loo
    (So as not to feel blue)
    Close the door. Take a ten minute nap.

  129. Lisi Nortman says:

    You are ONE today, sweet darling, Seth
    We recall when you took your first breath
    Let’s all sing along
    To that great birthday song
    (Be prepared; it will scare him to death)

  130. Lisi Nortman says:

    not a duplicate

    If your kids are JUST getting along
    And singing a sweet lovely song
    Please take my advice
    You need to think twice
    There is something exceedingly wrong

  131. Sharon Neeman says:

    One too many attempts at assault
    And I swore I would make the boss halt.
    I flashed him a grin
    And he followed me in —
    Then slipped out, left him locked in the vault.

    “Sorry, Boss,” I called out with a smile;
    “The door’s locked; I’ll be gone for a while —
    I have two weeks’ vacation —
    The what? Combination?
    It must be here somewhere on file…”

  132. Rumee Roy says:

    What! Arrange my papers in a file?
    I’d rather relax and wait a while,
    To receive the next letter,
    A bunch would be even better,
    Sweet procrastination, that’s my style!

  133. Lisi Nortman says:


    If your CHILDREN are getting along
    And singing a sweet lovely song
    Just take my advice
    Please STOP and think twice:
    There is something exceedingly wrong

  134. Lisi Nortman says:

    With eight kids, you have lost all your fears
    The uncertainty just disappears
    It’s now all “down pat”
    No question ’bout that
    You have not slept in seven damn years

  135. Lisi Nortman says:

    What is discipline really about?
    Long ago, we were spanked, then we’d shout
    But now things have changed
    And so rearranged
    That for murder, your kid gets “time out”

  136. Lisi Nortman says:

    I tried not to make a mistake
    And do all the right things for you, Jake
    But it’s been fifty years
    So perk up your ears
    Mister Rogers was really a FLAKE

  137. Lisi Nortman says:

    It’s time for some organized “meets”
    How about Little League, nothing beats
    Just watching you son
    Score that great big home run
    But what sucks is to squeeze on them cleats

  138. Dave Johnson says:

    Deciding it’s time for “the talk”,
    He took his son out for a walk.
    Instruction was short;
    Since the kid could report
    On websites they might want to block.

  139. Lisi Nortman says:

    My friend, here’s a vital alert
    For your first diaper change on sweet Bert:
    Just cover him quick
    It’s a real easy trick
    Or else you’ll get slapped with a squirt

  140. John Armstrong says:

    An archaeologist discovered a file
    Depicting a barge on the Nile
    Cleopatra’s it was
    Creating a buzz:
    Nude selfie, with rampant crocodile

  141. Lisi Nortman says:

    You know all is well and so fine
    As a matter of fact, just divine
    The kids are real quiet
    You cannot deny it
    From a distance, you then hear, “IT’S MINE!”

  142. Byron Miller says:

    Walked a camel for more than a mile,
    To buy smokes for the Queen of the Nile,
    So that haughty Egyptian
    Won’t have a conniption,
    While giving her toenails a file.

  143. Byron Miller says:

    When they find a new boy to defile,
    Papal priests will line up for a mile;
    The occasional deacon
    Is likely to sneak in
    And leave with a devious smile.

  144. Byron Miller says:

    If your love life’s been dead for a while,
    You should look for a corpse to defile:
    The first time you get off on
    A babe in a coffin
    You’ll find she’s not hard to beguile.

  145. Armchair Poet says:

    As a father, he isn’t so great.
    His own daughter, he deigned once to rate.
    Donald said of his lass,
    “She’s a nice piece of ass!
    Were I younger, we’d probably date.”

    Donald Jr.’s a chip off the block.
    His divorce didn’t come as a shock.
    “Why not cheat like my Dad?
    I know I won’t be sad,
    ’cause my next wives are certain to rock.”

    Poor Eric’s not brilliant, it’s true:
    his deep thoughts, far between, and quite few.
    While his musings are lame,
    he’s not really to blame,
    he inherited Donald’s IQ.

  146. Ken Gosse says:

    Four Outta Five Lines Ain’t Bad ~
    I write my limericks in style.
    They’re all in my database file.
    Over a thousan’
    Some wise, some arousin’
    Though some are a mess and don’t rhyme.

  147. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 299. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Weak.