Posts Tagged ‘Patrice Stewart’

Limerick-Off Award (278)

Saturday, May 27th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, inspired by real events:

The balloons that he tied to his chair
Contained hydrogen (lighter than air.)
He soared up for a ride,
Lit a cig, and then died.
That’s a Darwin Award win, right there.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special SNOBBISHNESS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“My parents are snooty.” she said
To her male-stripper boyfriend named Jed.
He answered this way:
“Let’s simply just say
I’m a mover and shaker instead.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Randolph Wagner, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, Patrice Stewart, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RIDE/DERIDE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SNOBBISHNESS LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“Far be it for me to deride
Your grammar and spelling,” he sighed.
“Though no snob, I feel faint
When I hear you say “ain’t” –
It’s a thing that I cannot abide.”

Suzanne Heymann:

Soon after their overseas ride
As Melania stood near his side,
To her, he allotted
His hand, which she swatted;
That promptly bespotted his pride.

The old snob, one day, has to admit
As a husband, he’s fully unfit.
He deserves all the strife
Coming soon in his life;
That’s for treating his wife like pure shit!

Tim James:

A cowboy took way too much pride
In his bronc-busting talents. He tried
To impose by brute force
His mad skills on a horse
(Which he promptly commenced to de-ride).

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RIDE/DERIDE” RHYME DIVISION)

Randolph Wagner:

“Your ladies lack toned buns of steel,”
Quipped a patron who wasn’t genteel.
“I will never deride
Derrières that are wide,”
Answered Peter Paul Rubens with zeal.

Suzanne Heymann:

The prostitute, skirt short and tight
Got picked up by some guy, not too bright.
She had put sex aside
But said, “Thanks for the ride!”
Then away she would slide in the night.

Brian Allgar:

The Groom was sarcastic and snide;
Her wishes he’d just override.
He was brutal and shitty;
The Best Man felt pity,
And so I eloped with the Bride.

Sue Dulley:

When a person is hitching a ride
With his thumb sticking out to the side
I mouth “NOT going far”
(Speeding by in my car)
But I’m sure that he knows that I lied.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SNOBBISHNESS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

Some very rich people agree
They’re better – it’s so plain to see;
And should be admired
For how they’ve acquired
The golden commodes where they pee.

Patrice Stewart:

Many years had the Haughty One reigned,
During which all her friends had refrained
From revealing the truth
About Jennifer Ruth:
Her connections to blue blood were feigned.

Fred Bortz:

Born to wealth, having blood that runs blue,
You treat me like dirt on your shoe.
But no-sirree-Bob,
I’m the one who’s the snob,
For I know I’m far better than you.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (200)

Saturday, January 31st, 2015

It’s time to announce the TWO-HUNDREDTH Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to PATRICE STEWART A/K/A PATRICE OF THE MANYCATS, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The crew was refusing to clap
For the actors and muttered, “What crap.
We feel sick – lunch was bad!
We’re not sure what we had.”
And were told, with disgust, “It’s a wrap.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Tim James, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Scott Crowder:

A gal heard a thunderous clap
And felt something warm in her lap.
She’d found, so it seems,
The man of her dreams,
But sadly, awoke from her nap.

Colleen Murphy:

I really had wanted to clap
When the speaker stopped moving her yap,
But her speech was so boring
I guess I was snoring.
She’d lectured me into a nap.

Jon Gearhart:

Sherlock Holmes was inspecting the gap
Twixt the legs of yo mama when, “Snap!”
Her legs clamped around him.
That’s where Watson found him;
He died in “The Case of the Clap.”

Brian Allgar:

“How on earth did I pick up the clap?”
She beseeched a young medical chap.
“If you really don’t know,”
He said, “Well, let me show
You this human anatomy map.”

Fred Bortz:

Said Ludwig, “Four notes make a clap
Of thunderous fate that will wrap
Your soul in a tower
Of musical power.”
Said his musical rival, “What crap!”

Tim James:

A paradigm shift’s when you scrap
All your old preconceptions as crap.
With Mad’s new rhymes appearing,
It’s akin to my hearing
Rice Krispies go pock, snapple, clap.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

It’s considered uncultured to clap
At the symphony during a gap.
When the fiddlers pause
Just hold your applause
And don’t wake me up from my nap.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (135)

Sunday, October 13th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In the Marrakech souk, a trained snake
Emerged from his basket, awake.
The snake charmer rose
And offered to pose.
“No fangs!” said the visiting sheik.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra who, in a tie with HIMSELF, wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for these TWO limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

She swerved sharply, avoiding a snake,
And her car ended up in the lake.
To the man at the shop,
Said “The damn thing won’t stop –
If you would, sir, please give me a brake.”

and

The guest had a very large snake
And was feeding it pieces of cake.
But the host said, “Ya know
It seems in-apropos
To be bringing your pet to a wake.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats, Phyllis LaVietes, Robert Basler, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats:

A woman encountered a snake
And cooed to it, offering cake:
“Your pattern is stunning,
I find you quite cunning.”
Six people attended her wake.

Phyllis LaVietes:

A woman encountered a snake
Which offered her chocolate cake.
“Forbidden! My diet!”
She said, “Or I’d try it.”
Eve’s making no Eden mistake.

Robert Basler:

A woman encountered a snake
In some batter she started to bake.
She gasped, and said, “Whoa!
“I’m baking a boa!
“Prepare to be hugged by a cake!”

Steve Whitred:

A woman encountered a snake,
So a soup she decided to make.
Met a croc, made a stew,
Now her boyfriend’s untrue,
And she’s thinking a brisket she’ll bake.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (133)

Sunday, September 29th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

As she gathered the sheets in a wrap,
A lover spoke true to her chap:
“Your performance? — no cause
For thund’rous applause.
But it’s likely I gave you the clap.”

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A Sapphic was trying to wrap
A toy to be worn with a strap.
Then she wrote on the label:
“My dear darling Mabel,
D’ya wanna pretend you’re a chap?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Diane Groothuis, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

The thief saw her fine ermine wrap
And her neckline that plunged to her lap.
Twixt her breasts was some bling,
But the thing was a sting;
He got caught in the ol’ booby-trap.

Diane Groothuis:

When the goy in the shul wore a wrap
And a blue and white yarmulke (cap),
Rabbi said in surprise,
“That is just a disguise.
Your book’s upside down my dear chap.”

Colleen Murphy:

Before you try learning to rap,
You should test out your skills with the snap.
If you can’t hold a beat
With your fingers or feet,
Then it’s likely the same with your yap.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A gal in an elegant wrap
Woke up from a 20-year nap.
She turned on the news
And shouted out: “Who’s
This White House mahogany chap?”

Patrice of the ManyCats:

She lunged for his knuckles: rap, rap!
“You know I won’t take any crap
When I’m your mean teacher!
You wanna play preacher?”
They grinned, then she sat on his lap.

Diane Groothuis:

Miss Muffett was eating a wrap
While sitting on Jack Horner’s lap.
She had finished two thirds
And gave some to the birds,
But to Jack said “No whey you poor sap.”

Tim James:

A guy used aluminum wrap
Tightly set on his head as a cap.
And just why’s that the case?
It blocks mind beams from space.
(His campaign to be Prez is on tap.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (130)

Sunday, September 8th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The young actress was pretty indeed.
(And the men she seduced all agreed.)
Though she read from the heart,
She did not get the part.
But she did, I am told, get the lead.

Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, Konrad Schwoerke, and Mark Kane who are in a three-way tie for this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award:

Colleen Murphy:

The bloke did a dastardly deed
When he laced Henry’s cupcakes with weed.
“I wanted the fellow
To feel a bit mellow.
Be grateful it wasn’t with speed!”

Konrad Schwoerke:

The daft Duke did a dangerous deed.
’Twas ungraciously gauche most agreed,
An unthinkable thing
In the court of a king.
Not the place I’d’ve picked to have peed!

Mark Kane:

A baker had done a good deed.
Turned a young man away from his greed:
“Sure you’re chasing the bread,
But don’t be mislead,
You just might find you’ll get what you knead.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Scott Crowder, Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, and Cyn. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Johanna Richmond:

“Which one of you dogs did this deed?”
Bess barks out in a well-rehearsed screed.
But she sits when ears wilt
In confederate guilt—
Bassets know how to make your heart bleed.

Scott Crowder:

I was late to the party indeed,
Yet decided to join the stampede.
So I watched Breaking Bad,
Found it dreadful and sad—
I’ve never been quite up to Speed.

Patrice of the ManyCats:

Oh yes, he had just done the deed;
He heeded “the call” and he peed.
“Another disaster!
Bud, can’t you learn faster?”
Remember, your puppy can’t read.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

“Damascus is guilty indeed,”
Says Kerry to those who would heed,
While Obama, in Sweden,
Is beggin’ and pleadin’
For those who would follow his lead.

Cyn:

A teen told her father, “Indeed,
You texted me. That I’ll concede.
But I’ve not the skill
Of texting while still—
I have to be driving to read.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (8)

Sunday, May 8th, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and five Honorable Mentions:

Congratulations to Robert Basler who wins Limerick of the Week for this charming, not to mention artistic, verse:

A gal had to cancel her plan
To purchase some art by Rodin.
It turned out some stinkers
Made counterfeit Thinkers
Which they sold from the back of a van.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats, Ron Mardix, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A guy had to cancel his plan
To make love on his girlfriend’s divan.
Her parents walked in
Shouting, “This is a sin!
Get your hands off our daughter, young man!”

Johanna Richmond:

A gal had to cancel her plan
To demolish the gingerbread man
When his raisin eyes pleaded
And pink lips proceeded
To yell, “Put me back in the pan!”

Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats:

A man had to cancel his plan
To relax on the beach, get a tan;
He was called in to work
(Yeah, the boss was a jerk)
So he’s still pasty white, in his van.

Ron Mardix:

A gal had to cancel her plan
To marry her boyfriend named Stan.
She has certain needs.
He “barely” succeeds.
Instead, off she ran with Sue-Ann.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A pol had to cancel his plan
For the banner beneath which he ran,
Which read that “Obama
Cannot find Osama,”
When now it appears: Yes, he can.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions. There were so many good ones, narrowing them down to the best six was big challenge.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

Limerick of the Week (7)

Sunday, May 1st, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and four Honorable Mentions (three single verse limericks and one multiverse limerick.)

Congratulations to DAVID LEFKOVITS a/k/a Dr. Goose who wins Limerick of the Week for this excellent limerick:

A woman who loved a good fight
Would demand, as she argued all night,
Philosophical heft
From those on the left
And empirical proof from the right.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, VerseBender, Paul Andrew Russell, and Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:

A woman who loved a good fight
Invited to dinner one night
A catholic, a Jew,
Palestinians too.
They kissed and made up out of spite!

VerseBender:

A woman who loved a good fight
Said, “Darlin’, you know it’s all right
The reason I’m itchin’
To get in some bitchin’:
The making up part’s a delight!”

Paul Andrew Russell:

A fellow who loved a good fight
Would go on a rumble all night.
He’d punch and he’d jeer,
Fueled on gallons of beer.
Then strut off to bed at first light.

Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats:

A fellow who loved a good fight
Took on inner demons each night.
They’d roll, tumble, wrestle,
His body the vessel ~
A bone-chilling, hair-raising sight.

He’d chortle and shout out with glee,
“You’ll not get the better of me!
Mephistopheles, please:
You’re just a big tease!
I’ll win soon, and then I’ll be free…”

He leapt, intercepted the horde,
Sharp blade sweeping down as they roared…
Came the dawn, not a peep
As he smiled, deep in sleep ~
Grasp firm on invisible sword.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions. There were so many good ones, narrowing them down to the best five was quite a challenge.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

Limerick of the Week (5)

Sunday, April 17th, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and five Honorable Mentions (four single verse limericks and one multiverse limerick.)

Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A gal who seemed guileless and sweet,
When asked what she wanted to eat,
Attracted a crowd
While enthusing aloud
How she savored the taste of jerked meat.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) VerseBender, Tilly Bud, Stan Ski, Victoria Ceretto-Slotto, and Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

VerseBender:

A gal who seemed guileless and sweet
Was really quite full of deceit
For under her sweater
Was nature made better
(If you like the feel of concrete)

Tilly Bud:

A gal who seemed guileless and sweet
Had a terrible hunger for meat.
She ate first her brother,
Dad, sister and mother,
Then polished off folk in her street.

Stan Ski:

A girl who seemed guileless and sweet
Wrote a note on a boat in the Fleet
‘Dear Captain…’ she penned
‘Our romance must end
First we meet, then you cheat… you’re dead meat…!’

Victoria Ceretto-Slotto:

A girl who seemed guileless and sweet
on an evening of simmering heat
declared “Life is a bore;
“there’s just got to be more.”
Now you’ll find her out working the street.

Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats:

A gal who seemed guileless and sweet
For her fiancé judge, planned a treat:
Into chambers she barged
Purring, “Guilty, as charged!”
Doffed her raincoat, ensemble complete.

He inquired, “You a perp or a vic?”
Grinned and stretched: “Well, we’d better be quick!”
Silken strides, no words uttered:
Quite impressed, the judge muttered,
“Something tells me those charges won’t stick.”

Then doors opened to Counsel (Opposing):
“Whoops, Judge, I had thought you were dozing!”
The couple froze, glaring;
He leered, “Thanks for sharing
Your pairing: A coup for my closing!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions. There were so many good ones, narrowing them down to the best six was quite a challenge.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

Limerick of the Week (4)

Sunday, April 10th, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. Choosing the winners was a big challenge because we had a record number of really good submissions. So I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and five Honorable Mentions (four for single verse limericks and one for multiverse limericks.)

Congratulations to Elaine Spall who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever, amusing verse:

A woman was fit to be tied.
Could not lose the weight though she tried.
Then she said “Better buy it,
This new “Alarm” diet,
A fridge that said “ACCESS DENIED.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Scott Crowder, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Catherine Palmer and Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats for their delightful limericks:

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A fellow was fit to be tied:
“How the food makers subtly misguide!
While the price has held steady
Per box of spaghetti,
There’s not as much noodle inside.”

Scott Crowder:

A fellow was fit to be tied,
At his failure to be certified.
The doc looked at his brain,
Told the judge he was sane,
And the fellow was fit to be tried.

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A fellow was fit to be tied
On hearing these words from his bride:
“If you’re planning to hang
With your old drunken gang
I’ve a rope I’ll be glad to provide.”

Catherine Palmer:

A man who was fit to be tied
Was mad at his beautiful bride.
She took out a saddle.
Then threatened a paddle
if he didn’t agree to a ride!

Patrice of the ManyCats:

A fellow was fit to be tied
Viewing pics that displayed his backside:
He was naked (big deal)
But bemoaned each huge meal,
For he clearly was less tall than wide.

But determined to locate a mate,
He conversed with a promising date
‘Til she saw his webpage,
Guessed his height, weight, and age
And refused further contact ~ cruel Fate.

Then inclined to decline dates and mope,
He was tempted to give up all hope.
Would all women pass? Yet
Fresh thoughts of his asset
Provided a way he could cope.

He posted, “Pull Over – Wide Load!
Sweet, snuggly, with gorgeous abode.
I’ll rock you each night,
It’ll be outta sight!
I’m a doctor.” (His stethoscope showed.)

He sat back as responses flowed in,
Then he read hers: aah, Angel of Sin.
She was smart, lovely, built.
His libido went Tilt!
Now they bare it all nightly, and grin.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions. As I said, there were so many good ones, narrowing them down to the best limericks was quite a challenge.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.