Posts Tagged ‘Mike Shulman’

Limerick-Off Award (288)

Saturday, December 23rd, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MIKE SHULMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this limerick:

A wicked and goatish old coot,
Although brazen and horny to boot,
Had along with his gumption,
Erectile dysfunction,
Which rendered his naughtiness moot.

Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Special HYPOCRISY-Themed Limerick Award for this limerick:

Steve Whitred:

They hate trannies with all of their might,
Think that heaven is straight, male, and white,
Claim they’re children of god,
But then give Trump the nod;
They’re the smug sanctimonious right.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kathleen Bartoletti, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Ann Martin, Sue Dulley, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOOT” RHYME DIVISION)

Kathleen Bartoletti:

“Your disease, I’m afraid, is acute,”
Said the doc, “and all treatment is moot;
Here’s my bill, pay it fast,
For odds are you won’t last
Long enough to lace up that tall boot.”

Steve Whitred:

There was an old gal in a boot
Who had children. Their number is moot.
Gave them broth and some bread,
Sent them straight off to bed,
Then exchanged them on eBay for loot.

Tim James:

The new intern was really quite cute,
And the boss copped a feel, the old brute.
Then a well-aimed right boot
Put a dent in his glute.
And the shiner she gave him? A beaut!

Dave Johnson:

She married a wealthy, old coot,
Who’s gruff as the sole of a boot.
Asked why, she’d contend:
“I’m just helping him spend
Some quality time with his loot.”

Ann Martin:

There are people who don’t give a hoot
For our planet, but choose to pollute;
As we wade through the flood
With our shoes caked in mud,
Let’s give those old Trumpsters the boot!

Sue Dulley:

In Britain, the “trunk” is the “boot.”
The “hood” is the “bonnet.” (How cute!)
They burn “petrol.” Not “gas!”
“Overtake,” never “pass”
While the “horn” (still a “horn”) goes “toot-toot.”

They sit in the rightmost front seat
To cruise the left side of the street.
When they drive a new route
First their “sat nav” they boot,
Then shift gears using clutches and feet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (HYPOCRISY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Health or wealth? Dr. Carson has both,
And his bank account shows healthy growth.
Why are homeless folk crying
And sick people dying?
The Doc’s hypocritical oath.

Dave Johnson:

The minister started to yell:
“You sinners are going to Hell!”
That night at the ranch,
To a madam named Blanche,
He asked “Where is that sweet Annabelle?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (287)

Saturday, December 9th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The golfer whose game hit a snag
And whose shots landed far from the flag,
Said his caddy’s to blame
For advice on his game.
So the caddy’s left holding the bag.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special COWARDICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Donald thinks he’s one hell of a fellow.
“Nothing scares me!” the braggart will bellow.
But as Mueller draws near,
Donald trembles with fear;
Both his hair and his belly are yellow.

Congratulations to MARK KANE, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Turning tricks in hotels was her game.
And with most johns the work was the same:
They’d agree on a price
For his pleasures and vice,
Then she’d leave shortly after he came.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins a special Limerick Puzzle Award for her 3-verse limerick. Here’s how she describes her puzzle challenge: “Find the ‘hidden’ names of what are mostly board games. (Some use dice/die or cards.) There are 13 in total.”

You know, being a spy and a dame
Is a scary and dangerous game.
If I fail in my mission,
I soon will be fishin’
For a graveyard position (oh shame!)

I am sorry; that boat ain’t a yahtzee.
I risk boarding that battleship nazi.
Though it seems so taboo,
I just hadn’t a clue
What the dirty minds knew of a plot, see?

My plan was no trivial pursuit.
I must scrabble for facts and then scoot.
“Operation Titanium”
Don’t boggle my cranium.
I found the uranium! Let’s shoot!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Suzanne Heymann, Dave Johnson, Mike Shulman, David Reddekopp, Ailsa McKillop, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GAME” RHYME DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:

I was watching young people play Twister
With some body parts grabbed by some mister.
But the twist in the game
Unexpectedly came
When his gonads were squeezed by his sister.

Dave Johnson:

Her boyfriend just wasn’t the same,
His excuses – increasingly lame.
Then later she found
He was playing around;
Maintaining his skin in the game.

Mike Shulman:

A sportsman with mis’rable aim
Hunted roadkill in place of real game.
When he bagged a flat skunk,
His wife growled in her funk:
“That’s gamy, which isn’t the same.”

David Reddekopp:

The hunter went out with his daughter.
He thought it was time that he taught her,
So she said “Sure, I’m game!”
He then turned and took aim
With his gun, pulled the trigger, and shot her!

Ailsa McKillop:

On the wall it hung, stitched, in a frame,
The fond motto of Scots to proclaim:
“East or West, Hame is Best.”
The American guest
Said “This Hame guy—just what is his game?”

Sharon Neeman:

A young woman, Lorena by name,
Had a man with a really bad game;
In disgust, she one day
Cut his joystick away.
(Though repaired, it was never the same.)

Mike Shulman:

Mary Lou felt her passions enflame
Playing handball with men without shame.
Saying, “Can we be besties?”
She’d fondle their testes.
“Isn’t handball the name of this game?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (COWARDICE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Call it bravery, gumption or guts;
You’ll find none among GOP sluts.
While they sell out the poor,
Corporations get more.
They’re all cowards. No ifs, ands or buts.

Steve Whitred:

To our shame we’re the ones who empowered
A bully, a boor, and a coward.
And I know time will come
We’ll be rid of the bum.
I just wish it was happening now-ward.

Sue Dulley:

When I’m out for a walk or a jog
And approached by a big off-leash dog,
My saunter is soured.
I’m cowed, I’m a coward;
My jog soon turns into a slog.

Brian Allgar:

At the dentist, I’m really quite brave,
But each morning, I gibber and rave
At the blood and the pain,
Swearing “Never again!”
I’m a coward when having to shave.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!