Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WINE or WHINE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: September 12, 2020)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WINE or WHINE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to DRIVING, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best DRIVING-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on September 13, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 12, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my WINE/WHINE-rhyme limerick:

A fellow would often combine
Hard liquor, champagne and red wine,
But he rarely got kicks
From his regular fix…
Though he DID get a box made of pine.

And here’s my DRIVING-themed limerick:

A woman would often lambast
Her husband for driving too fast.
He responded “I drive
Really quick cuz I strive
For an end to the time I’m harassed.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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157 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WINE or WHINE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: September 12, 2020)”

  1. Suzanne Heymann says:

    If your job makes you sick, that’s a sign
    To find ways to just make you feel fine.
    Quit mopin’, quit hopin’
    A great way of copin’ –
    Just open a bottle of wine!

  2. Mike Sullivan says:

    A constant misspeller would whine
    To soothe his dyslexian mind
    “It’s hard to explain,
    Do I drink or complain?”
    Their their, and there both fine

  3. P Diane Schneider says:

    They went to the Lamplight to dine
    He claimed that he was feeling fine
    But once in the car
    He didn’t get far
    “Impaired,” the cops said, “by the wine.”

  4. P Diane Schneider says:

    The passenger started to whine
    “The scenery here is divine,
    But your luggage blocks
    My view with that box!”
    (The puzzling box was a mine.)

  5. Tony Holmes says:

    Connoisseurs like to sniff and inspect;
    Take a sip, contemplate, then dissect …
    “Bloody hell! It’s just wine!
    Get the cap off – it’s fine!
    Shun the glass, open wide and it’s necked!”

  6. Tony Holmes says:

    “There are three things in life that are fine.
    These are ballads, fast women, and wine.
    Of the three, two improve
    Over time – Ah, but you’ve …
    Yes, the other, of course, is divine.”

  7. Michael P Moulton says:

    At the market we wait for the sign
    To come in for TP and wine
    We stay six feet apart
    As we wipe down a cart,
    In the Covid-19 chorus line.

  8. Tony Holmes says:

    Oenologists fiddle with wine.
    They experiment, test and refine.
    They envisage; they strive
    To perfect – Ooh, such drive!
    “I want one o’ them brollies in mine!”

  9. Tony Holmes says:

    “Is that right, they make brandy from wine?”
    “I don’t drink them myself. I incline
    Toward whiskey and beer,
    So, I’m sorry, I fear,
    I must pass and let someone else shine.”

  10. Tony Holmes says:

    As the sage has most shrewdly opined,
    If a woman will think, she will find
    That it’s testes and tyres,
    Are the root, it transpires,
    Of the thoughts that unsettle her mind.

    Driving – at a stretch.

  11. John Shardlow says:

    I beg for a shag, you decline
    I’ll try once again after wine
    As you drink Barolo
    My hand does it solo
    You fancy it now? Give me time!

  12. Kirk Miller says:

    The chimney sweeps’ jobs aren’t divine,
    But rarely, if ever, they whine.
    It’s a well-paying trade;
    They clean up when they’re paid.
    It’s said that their job soots them fine.

  13. Lisi Nortman says:

    “It’s so grand to be here at “Life’s Fine”.
    “My darling, select any wine”
    “Hubby dear,I must say,
    That ev-er y day,
    My back,oy,just never feels fine”.

  14. Lisi Nortman says:

    Must confess that my wife is a pain.
    And now is the time to complain:
    “Take this exit”, says she
    When she clearly can see
    That I’m driving right in the left lane.

  15. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’ve a right to just holler and shout
    And here, my friend, what it’s about:
    Ev’ry day in my car,
    When I haven’t gone far
    My GPS cries, “LET ME OUT !!”

  16. Tony Holmes says:

    When approaching your woodwork, inhale!
    Clasp your maul and position your nail.
    Now, tap gently, to start –
    Driving mails is an art –
    Yes, I have the instructions in Braille.

    It was diving us kids to our schools,
    Dad developed his, “No Fighting!” rules.
    No spitting, no biting,
    And NO dynamiting –
    Turns out that was important for fools.

  17. Jesse Levy says:

    I got in my car. It was fine.
    The engine then started to whine.
    I went two more blocks
    Before all those knocks
    Made my car sadly go bye-by’n’

  18. Tony Holmes says:

    Ladies, all! Would you live trouble-free?
    Yes, you may – if you’ll listen to me.
    Avoid testes and tyres –
    Cars breakdown, men are liars.
    Take the pledge for a year, and you’ll see.

    Sorry!

  19. Tony Holmes says:

    Sorry, Mad, I’m in tailspin. Would you delete ‘life’ in line one of the above, please. And the entire entry of the first post above it. Thank you.

    *******

    Done.

  20. Don says:

    A nation so sublime
    should not whine
    about which party
    has bragging rights to its booty
    from sea to shining sea is its duty

  21. Lisi Nortman says:

    My life is sure working out fine.
    My job is just simply divine.
    The boss is real nice;
    Always gives good advice.
    It’s eight hours a day, nine to wine.

  22. Jean McEwen says:

    Snobbish oenophiles tend to malign
    Two Buck Chuck as inferior wine.
    But I must disagree
    ‘Cause it’s cheap, and to me
    It’s as good as the ones they call “fine.”

  23. Jean McEwen says:

    Back seat drivers drive drivers insane,
    And to secretly pray that a train
    Will approach and collide
    With the passenger’s side
    And thus crush their existence’s bane.

  24. Lisi Nortman says:

    This one’s better

    Must confess that my wife is a pain.
    Don’t believe me? Well, now I’ll explain:
    “Take this exit”, said she
    When she clearly could see
    I was turning right from the left lane

  25. Bruce Alter says:

    Alfalfa and Spanky were fine.
    They’d just shared a liter of wine.
    Robert Blake’s older brother
    Said, “Buy you another?”
    Thus started the Rascals’ decline.

  26. Tony Holmes says:

    I’m sure it’s in the rules.

    If your drive might connect, you shout, “Fore!”
    Lest the head of yon stroller be sore.
    Though, by rights, he should pay,
    As he got in the way;
    It’s the gentleman’s right to keep score.

  27. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    When a wine bottle’s marked with a cross, it
    doesn’t mean it’s gone sour, so toss it.
    No, it’s simply a wine
    clever vintners assign
    to a box with a cute little faucet.

  28. Lisi Nortman says:

    Oops! Rhyming Error…..Try Again

    “It’s grand to eat here at “Divine”
    My darling, please choose the best wine.
    “Hubby, dear, I must say
    That ev-er-y day
    My back, oy, just never feels fine”.

  29. Lisi Nortman says:

    similar

    I’ve a right to scream, holler. and shout.
    Wanna know what this terror’s about?
    Ev’ry day in my car,
    When I haven’t gone far
    My G.P.S. cries, “LET ME OUT”!!

  30. Tony Holmes says:

    Flappiness is a boob called Suzanne.
    Get your hands on a pair, if you can.
    One is good, two is great!
    You could share with a mate …
    But, more likely, you won’t, my good man.

    I’m driving her, Mad.

  31. Tony Holmes says:

    It was driving us kids to our schools,
    Dad developed his, “No Fighting!” rules.
    No spitting, no biting,
    And NO dynamiting –
    That one proved quite important for Jools.

    If your drive might connect, you shout, “Fore!”
    Lest the head of yon stroller be sore.
    Though, by rights, it’s fair play,
    As he got in the way;
    Let’s a gentleman even the score.

    Sorry! I had to put them right.

  32. Tony Holmes says:

    Cattle drive – well, they used to, not now.
    No, the rails changed the world for the cow.
    Some still travel by road –
    It’s a much smaller load;
    Now, the only thing driven is Dow.

  33. Tony Holmes says:

    “Girls and maps, navigation …” “Don’t whine!
    We’ll divorce when we get there, you swine!”
    “If we get there, more like!”
    “If you doubt, take a hike!
    Get out! Go! On your bike! I resign!”

  34. Michael P Moulton says:

    “I’ve never had a valentine,”
    He said, to her, “Will you be mine?”
    She sized him up
    Extended her cup
    And said, “Maybe if I have enough wine.’

  35. Tony Holmes says:

    “In vino veritas.” ‘Truth in wine.’
    If you need to stay shtum, toe the line.
    Secrets tend to get told
    Because wine makes you bold.
    Then you’re out in the cold – so decline.

  36. Tony Holmes says:

    “By the case?” “Oh, yes! Always, with wine –
    And especially with those that are fine.”
    “You’re au fait with all that,
    But they’d soon smell a rat
    If I tried to get poncey wiv mine.”

    (Poncey is British for pretentious or affected.)

  37. John Shardlow says:

    An alcoholic was driving from Stoke
    In trying to give his motor more poke
    The effect it was dreadful
    He’d mixed booze with petrol
    And now they’re both pissed and broke

  38. Trump’s already toasting with wine
    proclaiming “America mine!
    And I didn’t need bots
    or genuine thoughts
    just my voters brains turned to brine!”

  39. Tim James says:

    A dude tried to show he had brass
    When he mounted a burro. Alas!
    He displayed ev’ry sign
    That he’d had too much wine.
    He fell down. He was drunk off his ass.

  40. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Learn to drive? Oh my gosh, I don’t dare.
    And frankly, I simply don’t care”.
    “But sweetie, please try.
    Practice hard; you’ll get by
    Cuz that’s when you learn how to swear.”

  41. Lisi Nortman says:

    For you pleasure, I’ll give you some wine.
    You’ll find that it tastes just divine.
    If you like it a lot
    Please “hush hush” but I’ve got
    Lots more cases all hidden, (’bout 9).

  42. Don says:

    Learning to ride a bike
    some the training wheels like
    but sixty miles per hour down hill in rain
    or driving a car two hundred miles per hour in the fast lane
    is more of a rush than a ride down the turnpike.

  43. Lisi Nortman says:

    My water bill’s way out of line.
    Sends me shivers that run down my spine.
    So my new clever phrase
    Has won me much praise:
    “Don’t drink water, just guzzle down wine”.

  44. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Toward Merlot and Bordeaux she’ll incline,
    but will drink Chablis pink mixed with Rhine;
    Pinot Gri, Chardonnay…
    when it’s all put away,
    “I want more!” is her favorite whine.

  45. Tim Gray says:

    Women, song and wine
    Has been a passion of mine.
    Now I’m long in the tooth,
    Said goodbye to my youth,
    So no more singing is fine.

  46. Mike Sullivan says:

    I once had a good friend of mine
    Who could turn your water to wine
    Give a big pitcher to Jesus
    And you could have it with cheeses
    Though bathtubs were over the line

  47. Mike Sullivan says:

    My dog likes to run in the rain
    But with retractable leash I restrain
    When at the end of the line
    She gives a sad little whine
    Thus restricted, we all would complain

  48. Tony Holmes says:

    “Is this slop what the posh people drink?”
    I believe so. Why? What do you think?”
    “It’s that stuff they call wine
    And I’d only use mine
    To clean toilets or unblock a sink.”

  49. Tony Holmes says:

    “It’s a fine day, let’s go for a spin!
    No, no, no, I shall drive. You get in.
    I can see very well …
    What’s that, Dear? Bloody Hell!”
    “No insurance? Do tell. Next of kin?”

  50. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    I went out for some drinks with my daughter,
    who said, “Mom, you can’t drive if you totter.”
    Though I groaned, “Holy Jeez,”
    I held onto my keys,
    so she turned all my wine into water.

  51. Tony Holmes says:

    For John, should he drop in.

    “An’ what for would Ah want tae drink wine?
    It’s nae drink fer a mon. Where’s ma stein?
    Gi’ the wine tae ma gal!
    I’ll tek heavy, please, pal …
    Tha’ was never a goal, ref’, ye swine!”

  52. Brian Allgar says:

    The grapes ripen well on the vine.
    “But the victory oughta be mine!”
    Donald screams, and we hope
    That for booze and the dope,
    It’s the year of a great vintage whine.

  53. Tim James says:

    From the back, as the dad drives the car,
    Comes the whine: “Are we there yet? How far?”
    Little Lisa screams: “See?
    Tommy’s LOOKING AT ME!”
    Says the mom: “Can we stop at that bar?”

  54. Lisi Nortman says:

    Older drivers just bring me to tears;
    They think that the road is all theirs.
    And not only that,
    They wear a dumb hat.
    And their blinker’s been on 20 years

  55. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’ve learned how to steer with my knees.
    Thus, polish my nails with great ease.
    I can chomp on fast food,
    Without looking crude.
    And basically do as I please.

  56. John Shardlow says:

    Sorry Lisi, it’s me

    Eyesight failing I got to admit
    Got dementia, well only a bit
    It’s no use you cursing
    I’ll just start reversing
    I’m driving and don’t give a shit

  57. Brian Allgar says:

    She used her sat-nav every day;
    Each instruction she’d blindly obey.
    But her drive was ill-fated;
    The map was outdated –
    The bridge had been taken away.

  58. Tony Holmes says:

    The all important lesson …

    “Yes, not quite what we wanted, Ms Kane.
    Never mind. We can try it again.
    This time, don’t shoot the cop –
    should he ask us to stop –
    And when tempted to race, please abstain.”

  59. Brian Allgar says:

    In my garden, this plant is malign.
    I curse as I see it entwine;
    It ruins my labours
    By strangling its neighbours –
    It’s bindweed, that vegetable swine!

  60. Tony Holmes says:

    Driving Lessons – The Saga

    “Yes, not quite what we wanted, Ms Kane.
    Never mind. We can try it again.
    This time, don’t shoot the cop –
    Should he ask us to stop –
    And when tempted to race, please refrain.”

    “No, you mustn’t! He had right of way.
    It’s the law, there’s no more I can say.
    Yes, he was very rude,
    But runover the dude?
    You can hardly think that was fair play?”

    “I’ve been thinking, Ms Kane, that perhaps
    Driving lessons have caused a relapse.
    The policeman, for one …
    No, please give me the gun,
    And let’s quit before one of us snaps.”

  61. Lisi Nortman says:

    Don’t even remember just when
    And I never have seen this again.
    A notice that said,
    “On the road just ahead:
    Free brakes, there, so stop if you can”.

  62. Tony Holmes says:

    Hi Mad! Would you substitute ‘refrain’ for ‘abstain’ in the fifth line of the first verse of the saga above, please. Thank you.

    **********
    Done.

  63. Paul Haebig says:

    The tourist in Frankfurt am Main
    said “Neun” when he should have said “Nein.”
    So a half hour later
    the puzzled young waiter
    returned with nine bottles of wine.

  64. Tony Holmes says:

    Cockneys at play.

    “It’s like this: ‘e was drivin’ me mad!
    I says, ‘You wanna watchit, my lad!’
    ‘E says, ‘Don’ make me larf!
    Shutcher gob! Run me barf!’
    So, I plugs in the toaster. My bad.”

  65. Tony Holmes says:

    These days, driving is no longer fun.
    After seventeen months on the run,
    Changing cars, sleeping rough,
    Takes its toll; though I’m tough,
    I’ve about had enough. Yep, I’m done!”

  66. Tony Holmes says:

    Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ …

    Yes, a cowboy’s best pal is his horse –
    When he’s drivin’ them doggies, of course.
    That horse won’t let him down,
    But that cowboy, the clown,
    Has one thought once in town – ‘Intercourse!’

  67. Tony Holmes says:

    “Getting older, one tends to refine.
    Less is more, if the best, I opine.
    Moderation? It, too!
    Which is why I eschew
    Self-restraint when it comes to fine wine.”

  68. Lisi Nortman says:

    Don’t worry, my dear, he’ll be fine.
    Our post-surgical plan’s just divine.
    He won’t feel a thing.
    Cuz to lessen the sting,
    Right into his veins we’ll serve wine.

  69. Lisi Nortman says:

    I can see that you sure don’t feel fine.
    But you mustn’t just sit there and pine.
    Here’s a hot cup of tea,
    So you won’t think ’bout Lee.
    And some cheese that goes nice with your whine.

  70. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    An old wine maker, Mercy Beaucoup,
    blended dregs that she found sur la rue.
    She said, “When you make wine,
    any rotgut is fine,
    just as long as you call it ‘Ro-goo.'”

  71. Tony Holmes says:

    “We make love in the back of your cab?”
    “By all means, go ahead, have a stab.
    But as part of the fare,
    I’m permitted to stare,
    And critique if the going gets drab.”

    Based on an event that took place when I was a cab driver. (And no, they didn’t. They were just seeing how I’d react. The above is how I reacted – honest!)

  72. Tony Holmes says:

    “Our ol’ vicar do like his ‘omebrew,
    An’ his visions, atween me an’ you,
    Comes from testin’ his wine.
    ‘E still claims they’m divine,
    But t’aint nary a one ‘ave come true.”

  73. Lisi Nortman says:

    Pediatric Rules

    All Parents, please read this big sign:
    “This practice takes kids till they’re 9.
    You must pay a small fee,
    But there always will be
    An extra 5 bucks if they whine.”

  74. Tony Holmes says:

    Driving Lessons – The Final Step

    “It’s a test – just a test. If you fail?
    Freedom’s forfeit, you’re straight back to gaol.
    Sorry! My bit of fun.
    No, you won’t need a gun –
    Even though the examiner’s male.”

  75. Mike Young says:

    A five liter box of red wine
    Is all that I need to feel fine
    To make me feel better
    I add one more letter
    And try very hard not to whine.

    We drive on the left of the road
    A choice that the Romans bestowed.
    To drive on the right
    Could cause a real plight
    And a vehicle that has to be towed.

  76. Tony Holmes says:

    “’It’s oenology, mother,’ ‘e said.
    ‘That sounds posh,’ I replies, ‘in the shed?’
    ‘The conditions are fine,
    For the making of wine.
    I’ve moved father back into his bed.’”

  77. Tony Holmes says:

    “What to pair? That’s the beauty of wine;
    An adventure whenever you dine.
    I found hotdogs today,
    So I thought, ‘Beaujolais!’”
    “Hic! I’d rather have claret with mine.”

  78. Tony Holmes says:

    Yes, a cowboy’s best pal is his horse –
    When he’s drivin’ them doggies, of course.
    That horse ne’er lets him down,
    But when cowboy hits town,
    His one thought – (I’m uptown) – ‘Intercourse!’

  79. Tony Holmes says:

    “When you’re cooking, be liberal with wine!
    A sip here, a sip there – you’ll be fine!
    It improveshany dish.
    Splashit over the fish –
    Be as bold ashyew wish! I reshign!”

  80. Lisi Nortman says:

    Try Something New!

    We think it’s completely insane,
    And at this point, you’ve nothing to gain.
    We all know you’re not fine.
    Once again,(oy), you’ll whine.
    So try something new, like complain.

  81. Tony Holmes says:

    Heresy Memo:

    “From today the consumers are WRONG!
    They have had it their own way too long.
    Take no crap. When they whine –
    We’re insured, you’ll be fine –
    Set about them with cudgel and prong!”

  82. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Ferrari is driven with force.
    It’s a car that most experts endorse.
    Yet sometimes I ponder
    ‘Bout the “great wild blue yonder”
    And wonder what’s wrong with a horse.

  83. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Are mere worker ants creatures divine?
    Here’s one antic observed that’s a sign:
    back and forth they will traipse
    over vines to haul grapes
    so both soldiers and queens can have wine.

  84. Lisi Nortman says:

    Those “seniors” who drive are sure slowing
    Down traffic, without even knowing.
    They insist that they’re clever
    Yet most times, however,
    They seem to forget where they’re going.

  85. Tony Holmes says:

    “When they start to perspire, that’s a sign;
    Next they’ll fidget and scratch – and they’ll whine.
    Then they’ll wheedle and carp,
    Which is when something sharp
    Comes in handy to keep them in line.”

    “They’re not regular people, as such,
    So you don’t need to worry too much.
    They’ve got one thing in mind,
    Donald Trump, reassigned;
    I know – crazy! They’re way out of touch.”

    NB: I am not taking sides, just depicting the attitude of the maniac’s supporters.
    So, if you’re a rabid anti-Trumper, stop foaming – please.

  86. Tony Holmes says:

    It’s a curious fact: the best wine
    Comes from grapes that are picked from the vine
    With deep roots in poor soil;
    The reward for its toil,
    Grapes of character – noble – divine!

  87. Lisi Nortman says:

    I told Charlie, my neighbor, “Don’t shout”
    Yet I know what his problem’s about:
    His driveway is round;
    So he’s always home-bound.
    Cuz poor Charlie can never drive out.

  88. Lisi Nortman says:

    a slight modification

    I told Charlie, my neighbor, “Don’t shout”
    Though I know what his problem’s about:
    He is always home-bound;
    Cuz his driveway is round.
    And poor Charlie can never drive out.

  89. Brian Allgar says:

    A warning to drinkers: red wine
    Could blacken your toenails, like mine.
    A whole case of Bordeaux
    Got dropped on my toe!
    (It was Chateau Margaux ’89.)

    [A partly true story – it was a bottle, not a case, and it was Chateau Brane-Cantenac ’96. But my toenail is still black!]

  90. Tony Holmes says:

    “You can grunt all you want – but don’t whine!
    It’s entirely your fault – you’re a swine!
    Take your snout from my crops!
    Once you’re pork, this all stops –
    And we’ll pickle those trotters in brine.”

  91. Tony Holmes says:

    On the footplate of train number nine,
    Driver Thomas asked, “Will you be mine?”
    Fireman Bill didn’t know
    He was practicing, so,
    “This is sudden! Why not? Pass the wine!”

  92. Brian Allgar says:

    “The pandemic? Who cares? It’s more fun
    To go driving my golf-cart”, says Don.
    There were golfers before
    Him, but we never saw
    Such a huge, perfect A-hole in one.

  93. Wayne Feder says:

    Flushed from her last lover’s fight,
    She ordered a scotch whiskey flight.
    And with rock music driving,
    It should not be surprising,
    She didn’t make it home for the night.

  94. Wayne Feder says:

    True love is not always blind;
    Mine’s driving me out of my mind.
    You’ll know what I mean
    Once you have seen
    Her walk down the street from behind.

  95. Wayne Feder says:

    Some tell me my life will be fine.
    All I need is song, women and wine
    But my wife left last June
    And I sing out of tune,
    So just pass me more fruit of the vine.

  96. Lisi Nortman says:

    We drove into town; saw a sign:
    It said, “Due to this recent decline,
    We must quickly redress
    To regain our success,
    So our “special” today is MacWine”.

  97. Lisi Nortman says:

    If the glass is “half-full”, that’s divine.
    But “half-empty” is not a good sign.
    Yet in that same glass,
    Not a thing will surpass
    The fact that there’s still room for wine.

  98. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    My husband at age fifty-five
    drove his crisis (restored) up our drive.
    I cried out with worry —
    “A red Plymouth Fury!
    Does this mean that ‘Christine’ is ALIVE?!”

  99. Dave Johnson says:

    Our hazardous mission today
    Might be a good reason to pray.
    We’ll struggle and strive
    With the will to survive
    That freeway that runs through L.A.

    (A recent road trip)

  100. Tim James says:

    My son does one-ten on the flats.
    He runs red lights and stop signs. His stats:
    Seven tickets, two wrecks.
    It’s had major effects:
    Care to guess where he’s driving me? Bats.

  101. Lisi Nortman says:

    I admit I am strongly averse
    To drive with a friend; it’s a curse.
    They always hop in,
    And it’s truly a sin
    When they snatch the seat made for my purse.

  102. Lisi Nortman says:

    OR

    I admit I am strongly averse
    To drive with a friend; it’s a curse
    Cuz when they hop in,
    They commit a big sin
    By stealing the seat from my purse.

  103. Kirk Miller says:

    When you’re driving, you auto not peel
    Out real fast; torques folks off a good deal.
    It is fuelish, you see;
    Builds bad car-ma. Don’t be
    Biggest nut that’s behind steering wheel.

  104. Daisy Ward says:

    The neighbors sipped on some red wine
    Slepted , then lost track of the time
    Woke up to a brawl
    And then tried to crawl
    Seem like, those drunkers had lost their mind

  105. Daisy Ward says:

    When I saw Miss Daisy drunk driving
    It seems like someone was jiving
    She was driving to fast
    That she crashed and pass
    Giving her chauffeur wealth now he’s thriving

  106. Mike Shulman says:

    A hiccup if muted is fine,
    A belch you don’t hear is benign,
    But let’s speak the truth,
    A fart’s like vermouth–
    An odorous, fortified whine.

  107. Tim James says:

    “Wine, women, and song.” That sounds fine,
    But the ladies all think he’s a swine.
    As for singing, he thinks
    Vocal music all stinks.
    But he does have a surfeit of whine.

  108. Tony Holmes says:

    For the longest time, drivers held reins.
    Of those days, very little remains.
    Since the automobile,
    Hands drive holding the wheel;
    But for many, the Scottish club reigns.

  109. Tony Holmes says:

    “Ninety-nine-year-old Reginald Fyffe,
    What’s your driving ambition in life?”
    “To keep living, my dear,
    Have more sex, drink more beer –
    And I’ll thank you to not tell my wife.”

  110. Tony Holmes says:

    “Ninety-nine-year-old Reginald Fyffe,
    What’s your driving ambition in life?”
    “To keep living, my dear,
    Have more sex, drink more beer –
    And I may even get me a wife.”

    I wanted to inject a note of optimism.

  111. Tony Holmes says:

    The lees …

    “Why you’m diggin’ that dirty great ‘ole
    In me floor? “Fear not, mother, my goal
    Is a cellar – for wine.”
    “But the shed?” “It’s still fine –
    But the laying down gives the wine soul.”

  112. Tony Holmes says:

    “’It’s oenology, mother,’ ‘e said.
    ‘That sounds posh,’ I replies. ‘In the shed?’
    ‘The conditions are fine,
    For the making of wine.
    I’ve moved father back into his bed.’”

    “Why you’m diggin’ that dirty great ‘ole
    In me floor? “Fear not, mother, my goal
    Is a cellar – for wine.”
    “But the shed?” “It’s still fine –
    But the laying down gives the wine soul.”

    “I mus’ say, son, you’s done very well.”
    “Thank you, mother. Pray, how can you tell?”
    “I put some o’ yon brew
    In yor father’s lamb stew;
    He were like a noo man – for a spell.”

  113. Dave Johnson says:

    With candlelight, dinner and wine,
    The evening was going just fine.
    Then, ready for bed,
    He realized instead
    Her texting was not a good sign.

    It’s not that that the music was wrong;
    She seemed to enjoy every song.
    He thought they would mate
    On their very first date;
    When “Uh-uh” was there all along.

  114. Dave Johnson says:

    Try driving while sending a text;
    Go places where no one expects.
    Erratically steer
    And perhaps you may hear
    The Grim Reaper say “thank u – next!”

  115. Richard Campbell says:

    You advertise “What a fine wine!”
    But to me the stuff tastes just like brine.
    There’s no chance, I would think,
    That you’ll drive me to drink.
    But don’t whine, the crap’s loved by my swine.

  116. Richard Campbell says:

    Just keep driving like one of the crazies
    In a movie of Martin Scorsese’s.
    Excess speeding and drinking?
    Bad business, I’m thinking.
    Next parking spot? Under the daisies.

  117. Tony Holmes says:

    “Oh, Robert!” “My darling! Be—” “More wine?”
    “What?” “Your glasses are empty.” “We’re fine!”
    “Go away! Can’t you see
    He’s proposing to me?”
    “You’re the third one this week – he’s a swine!”

  118. Tony Holmes says:

    “Oh, Robert!” “My darling! Be—” “More wine?”
    “What?” “Your glasses are empty.” “We’re fine!”
    “Go away! Can’t you see
    He’s proposing to me?”
    “You’re the third one this week – he’s a swine!”

    “Oh, Robert?” “I told you I’d—” “You’re Dead!”
    “Oh, no! Robert – it’s true – what he said?”
    “No, of course it’s not true!
    He’s just lying to you;
    He wants us to get married instead.”

  119. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Tony flashed the poor gal on a dare
    Said, “Hey lady! I’ve nothing to wear!”
    “Well, don’t stand there and whine!
    Buy some pants, you dumb swine!”
    Tony failed to design a good scare.

    She said, “OH, by the way, you remind
    Me to buy baby carrots, and find
    Some nice GRAPES in a bag
    So I’ll drive in my Jag,
    Shop, go home, drink, then nag to unwind!”

  120. Suzanne Heymann says:

    When some guy in a fast Lamborghini
    Flirts with gals when they wear a bikini
    And their eyes see the prize,
    He just compensates (tries)
    For the little wee size of his weenie.

  121. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Student driver examiners choose ’em
    Let bad drivers pass tests, and excuse them.
    All they do, I believe,
    Is act cute and naive
    And have lots of nice cleavage and bosom.

  122. Suzanne Heymann says:

    In convertible cars, like Ferrari,
    Don’t drive through a lion safari.
    If you did, then you looked
    Like a fish that was hooked –
    Might as well be a cooked calamari!

  123. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A nice lady from Blaine, Minnesota
    Was walking toward North Dakota.
    Two cars PULLED to the side
    Each had offered a ride –
    Limousine, plus a beat-up Toyota.

    The three MEN in the limo had eyes
    That were creepy; they wore suits and ties.
    In the beat-up sedan
    Was a gentle old man
    She got in, ditched the clan of bad guys.

    Well, the ride took her to her mum’s side.
    When they got there, she’d already died
    And now homeless she was
    But he loved her, still does.
    In a year, they were husband and bride.

    He became her support and best friend
    And THAT’S where the story must end.
    Kids just don’t make the cut,
    (But they might get a mutt).
    To write novels ain’t what I intend.

  124. Tony Holmes says:

    Going off-piste to say, “HI!”

    Flappiness is a boob called Suzanne.
    Get your hands on a pair, if you can.
    One is good, two is great!
    You could share with a mate …
    But, more likely, you won’t. “Oh, good man!”

  125. Tony Holmes says:

    “You are noting, I trust, I’ve been good
    In your absence – I promised I would.
    While you’ve camped under pine,
    I’ve been tempted to whine,
    But refrained lest I’m not understood.”

    “As for flashing – Suzanne! What a thing …
    And a poor girl? Not me. I’d chase bling.
    If I were – which I’m not –
    I’d research someone hot;
    A mistake in my planning might sting.”

    “What I’m driving at Suze, is, I daren’t!
    Our laws over here are deterrent.
    And besides, it’s not nice
    To suggest that’s my vice
    I’ve always been shy – it’s inherent.”

  126. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Did my lim’rick say Tony’s last name?
    Do I drive you to drink? Did I blame?
    Come heaven or hell,
    Wish you luck, to excel
    In your search for a wealthy hot dame.

  127. Tony Holmes says:

    A disclaimer? You’re wriggling, Suzanne!
    Or perhaps you’re just teasing your man?
    I’m not driven to drink,
    But I do not dare blink,
    Lest I’m caught in some dastardly plan.

    Hot and wealthy, Suzanne? Oh, for shame!
    I’m not mercenary really. A dame
    With a smile and bright eyes –
    And voluptous thighs –
    With a generous heart, and I’m game.

  128. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    The Bully serves slop from his Pulpit;
    though it’s poison, he knows some will gulp it.
    Do I feel asinine
    as I sit here and whine
    wasting lim’ricks on Trump? I can’t hulp it.

  129. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Now you’re being a bit contradictory
    And your act is becoming predictory.
    Why change lines (as you whine)
    Of what makes a dame fine?
    So then how will you bind any victory?

  130. Tony Holmes says:

    Driven?

    Ah! At last! The mists clear and I see.
    You like bondage, my dear. Silly T!
    I am not of that ilk,
    But needs must. I choose silk,
    And a blindfold – the blindfold’s for me.

  131. Tony Holmes says:

    Compensatin’ for size ees what drive,
    Is assumed; but this syndrome derive
    From small hego, not dick –
    In most cases – so, Slick,
    Lamborghini say, “Hey! I arrive!”

  132. Tony Holmes says:

    I was moved by your saga – and vexed!
    Creepy guys? Guaranteed – over sexed!
    Happy ending, that’s fine,
    But – and don’t think I whine –
    ‘To write novels’? That has me perplexed.

  133. Bob Turvey says:

    When Policewoman Smith came to town,
    To arrest handsome barrister Brown,
    He took her to dine;
    He plied her with wine;
    Then he finally laid the law down.

    A new motoring mag called “COLLISION”
    Aims to help lady drivers envision
    What are cars’ vital parts,
    So the magazine starts
    Next week – with a BUMPER edition.

  134. Caram Beri says:

    A man on the bank of the Rhine
    Imbibed too freely of wine
    He fell and he drowned
    His body wasn’t found
    His widow when told said “that’s fine”

  135. Lisi Nortman says:

    My car stalled, oh my, how could that be?
    It was scary; I know you’ll agree.
    Cuz when I looked in my rear,
    It surely was clear:
    That the whole world had stopped cause of me.

  136. Tim James says:

    Justice Kav likes his beer. I like wine.
    Some may think that’s a sign of decline.
    I don’t care what they say;
    I can quit any— HEY!
    TAKE YOUR MITTS OFF THAT BOTTLE! It’s MINE!

  137. Lisi Nortman says:

    Don’t know why it took such a long while
    To travel cross-country with Kyle.
    We shared all the driving,
    We really were striving.
    And switched places ev’ry half mile.

  138. Lisi Nortman says:

    Didn’t know if my engine would last.
    Later on, I was simply aghast.
    In my hope to restore,
    I shoved in one more.
    And Boy! did that Chevy go fast.

  139. Lisi Nortman says:

    I was going the orderly speed,
    When an officer stopped and decreed:
    “I smell pot in your car!
    You won’t get real far!”
    Then I asked, “Sir, how much do you need?”

  140. Tony Holmes says:

    “So, another long night at the club!”
    “It’s the place to do business – the hub.
    It’s more social; we dine,
    Test the merits of wine—”
    “And play tag with young girls in the tub!”

  141. Tony Holmes says:

    For the longest time, driving meant reins.
    Of those days, very little remains.
    Since the automobile,
    Hands drive holding the wheel;
    But for many, the Scottish club reigns.

  142. Tony Holmes says:

    “Is that it, Doc’? No chocolate, no wine?”
    “And no bread, no red meat – you’ll be fine!
    In a year, maybe two,
    We’ll run tests and review.”
    “Sorry, Doc’, but go screw – I decline!”

  143. Mike Sullivan says:

    The thing about staying in place
    Stir-craziness surely you’ll face
    You get in the car hopin’
    That some place is open
    Though the ride, some stress does erase

  144. Mike Sullivan says:

    Wynn the vintner, in secret opined
    His grapes are the sensitive kind
    “If there’s not enough rain
    I just yell and complain”
    And the wind of Wynn’s whine went to wine

  145. Ken Gosse says:

    Inspired by Mad’s limerick about mixed drinks and a pine box:
    A Box of Pine Wine ~
    Perhaps Pine-Sol wasn’t the cure
    though a president told him, “For sure!”
    The taste made him whine—
    it was not from a vine
    but from pinecone, liquor low-couture.

  146. Mike Sullivan says:

    A mean old drunk did opine
    “I rarely if ever drink wine,
    Cuz once a refined Czech
    Who had read his Steinbeck
    Said the grapes of wrath were mine.”

  147. Lisi Nortman says:

    While driving, I sure had to smile.
    The road signs now have a new style.
    And the one I recall
    Was the strangest of all:
    “One more mile will be just one more mile”

  148. Lisi Nortman says:

    another version

    While driving, I sure had to smile.
    The road signs now have a new style.
    And the one I recall
    Was the strangest of all:
    “One more mile will just take a short while”.

  149. Tony Holmes says:

    Delirium? Tremendous!

    “Ah! We’re making some progress, I think.
    Did you say that the elephant’s pink?”
    “Itsh Pinkish.” “Okay fine –
    Let me top up your wine;
    And don’t worry, there’s plenty to drink.”

  150. madkane says:

    The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.

  151. Mike Sullivan says:

    A Finance and Math major did whine
    There are two different types of cosine
    One is for angles
    The other entangles
    Those who sign on the bottom line.

  152. Tony Holmes says:

    When your very best friend wags his tail
    He is trying to tell you his tale.
    Pay attention and shine,
    Don’t compel him to whine;
    He is trying to train you – Don’t Fail!

  153. Steve Benko says:

    Said Miss Daisy, “Let’s go somewhere, Hoke;
    Take the wheel, for with me, we would croak.
    When we get to the woods,
    You’ll deliver the goods;
    In the back come and give me a poke.”

  154. Lisi Nortman says:

    I took yoga; it sure wasn’t fine.
    And wow! did it injure my spine!
    “Fallen Triangle Pose”
    Injured 5 of my toes.
    (Found it much more serene to drink wine).

  155. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mr.Bozo was quite a great star.
    His funeral wasn’t too far
    The other clowns cried,
    Cause their dear friend had died.
    All eighteen of them piled in one car.

  156. Mike Sullivan says:

    Was cruising and met a real hottie
    She jumped into my Maserati
    She was twitching and jumping
    I thought primed for humping
    But she just had to go to the potty.

  157. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 452. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Seat.

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