Posts Tagged ‘Mike Burch’

Limerick-Off Award (306)

Saturday, September 15th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I incinerate corpses for hire.
I just toss them right into the pyre.
Though some can’t take the heat,
There’s no place for cold feet.
I just hold those stiffs’ feet to the fire!

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special NERVE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Bob Woodward is making this clear:
Our nation has plenty to “Fear.”
Trump’s unfitness to serve’s
An affront to our nerves,
While the G.O.P. smooches his rear.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Thomas Vincent, Lisi Nortman, Michael Moulton, Mike Burch, Tim James, Charley Simmons, Dave Johnson, and Tim Gray. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FEAT or FEET or DEFEAT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO NERVE/NERVES LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

While the doc made my hip new and sweet,
The retractor that held back the meat
Pinched a nerve in my thigh,
And they say that is why
I have numbness in one of my feet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FEAT or FEET or DEFEAT” RHYME DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

A champion milker named Pete
Faced a heifer with only one teat.
Though he’d grunt and he’d wheeze,
No milk could he squeeze;
T’was Pete’s final udder defeat.

Sharon Neeman:

My advice — and I’ll pour it out neat:
If you hate the one holding the seat,
Don’t just gripe, bitch or frown;
Hit the polls! Vote them down!
You can’t win if you “vote with your feet.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Getting older is surely not sweet;
It makes me feel so obsolete.
My neck: It just sags.
My eyes look like bags.
And my boobs are now down to my feet.

Mike Moulton:

When Putin says, “Donald, let’s meet,”
The tone of his voice may seem sweet,
But when he says, “Jump!”
To President Trump
He expects him to sit at his feet.

Tim James:

There once was a man who would tweet
Just as fast as his mind could excrete.
In most every case
He had egg on his face;
In his mouth, both proverbial feet.

Mike Burch:

The Donald is white, rich, elite.
Thus he never will suffer defeat.
Forget all the polls:
The man drives a Rolls
And he gold-plates his toilet seat!

Charlie Simmons:

The Cannibal being discreet,
Ate his friend from his head to his feet.
The next day, belly achin’,
Both guilt-filled and shakin’,
He passed his old friend on the street.

Dave Johnson:

The Temptations were Motown’s elite,
Defining America’s beat.
Great hits were the rule
Plus the essence of cool,
Right down to the souls of their feet.

Sharon Neeman:

Though the other trainees were all fleet,
I outraced them — I knew how to cheat:
Through the barracks I crept
(Making sure that they slept)
And put leeches on all of their feet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (NERVE/NERVES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

It really does get on my nerves
To see how male Government pervs
Think they’re fit to hold power
But can’t last an hour
When faced with some cleavage and curves.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My date had the ultimate gall
To inform me my boobs were “too small,”
To which I replied,
“Oh really, dear Clyde?
Where’s your shlong? I can’t find it at all!”

Dave Johnson:

Despicable Donald had nerve;
Along with refusing to serve,
This sniveling coward
Kept bragging to Howard,
Extolling his life as a perv.

Tim Gray:

My pal John was the first one to swerve,
Cuz he couldn’t hold on to his nerve.
At his first game of chicken,
He got a good lickin’…
And a crash that he didn’t deserve.

Tim James:

I’ve got shakes and my thinking is slow.
My hair’s graying; my nervous tics show.
Oh, for drug-induced bliss!
But there’s no pill for this.
And there’s fifty-six days still to go.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (293)

Saturday, March 3rd, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

When the doc said, “Ovarian cyst,”
She added his name to the list
Of clueless physicians
Who fail in their missions.
She’s trans, which he somehow had missed.

Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special HAIR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Before her Brazilian, Miss Claire
Grew a raggedy thicket down there.
Although follicly taxing,
Its waning by waxing
Left Claire’s hairy lair fairly bare.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, David Reddekopp, Mike Shulman, Bob Dvorak, Kirk Miller, John Bergstrom, Ailsa McKillop, Mike Burch, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Judith H. Block, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“INSIST or PERSIST or ASSIST or CYST” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Hubby checked out his phone while he pissed,
And — pre-dick-tably — some of it missed.
Now the loo stinks like hell,
But he claims there’s no smell!
Oh, I wish he would cease and desist!

David Reddekopp:

I was nearing the end of my rope.
Would the government give me some hope?
Their reply left me pissed:
“If these problems persist
They’re built into the system, so cope.”

Mike Shulman:

A ribald gent liked to insist
He could come with a flick of the wrist.
He flicked when a cop
Made a brief traffic stop,
And was slapped with a “cease and desist.”

Sharon Neeman:

“My brother’s disgusting!” she hissed.
“Did you hear what he said? I’m so pissed:
‘If adding E-R
Takes a word twice as far,
Then a sister’s just worse than a cyst’!”

Bob Dvorak:

Some readers will find themselves pissed
When on viewpoints I loudly insist.
’Twould be better, I say,
To debate, than say “Nay!”
Present FACTS that one cannot resist.

Kirk Miller:

Charles Dickens could never resist
A martini; the yearn would persist.
So the bartender spoke
Seven words as a joke:
“Hey there Charlie, want Olive or Twist?”

John Bergstrom:

There was a young man who’d insist
He could shop without making a list.
“For the last seven weeks
I’ve bought nothing but leeks.
I don’t care if my girlfriend gets pissed!”

Ailsa McKillop:

The round table game did persist.
Ev’ry man held some cards in his fist.
With expressionless mien
I’d have savoured the scene,
If how poker was played I had wist.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (HAIR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Mike Burch:

The hair flap was truly a scare:
Trump’s bald as a billiard back there!
The whole nation laughed
At the state of his graft;
Now the man’s wigging out, so beware!

Jean McEwen:

I thought that I’d reached for shampoo,
But now the damn comb won’t go through.
Although properly tagged,
The wrong bottle I grabbed.
And that’s why my hair is now goo.

Tim James:

I try to take aging with grace,
Despite wrinkles and sags in my face.
Things have slowed down a lot.
But there’s one thing that’s not:
It’s my hairline, retreating apace.

Dave Johnson:

Rapunzel, please let down your hair;
A fellow from Guinness is there.
He’ll measure your tresses,
And my simple guess is
The record, with inches to spare.

Brian Allgar:

“So waddya think of my hair?”
Said the Donald. She gave him a stare.
“Well, the color – bright yellow –
Is odd for a fellow,
And most of it just isn’t there.”

Judith H. Block:

The guy was as huge as a bear,
So drunk, he slid off the bar chair;
He took a large swig,
Then he grabbed at her wig,
She truly escaped by a hair.

Byron Miller:

Though his trumped-up successes, he’ll flaunt,
Saying, “Let’s make the deal that YOU want.”
I just can’t trust a guy
With his hair piled up high
In a puffed-up big bulbous bouffant.

Dave Johnson:

While Elvis was known for his hair,
His fans were more likely to stare
At the gyrating show
Going on down below;
A pelvis with follicle flair.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (267)

Saturday, December 24th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

It’s clear that I haven’t a clue
How to clean out a chimney. It’s true;
When I tried, it instead
Just collapsed on my head.
Now I’m laid up in bed from the flue.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special PARTY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A beekeeper friend of mine, Marty,
Remarked with a laugh that was hearty:
“When a new hive is done,
Bees and I have some fun.
I throw them a house swarming party.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Ken Gosse, Mike Burch, Judith H. Block, David Reddekopp, Richard Campbell, Wendy Playter, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FLU” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PARTY LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar

They were partying; he was so high,
LSD made him think he could fly.
Well, it’s true that he flew
For a second or two,
Till the moment he ran out of sky.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FLU” RHYME DIVISION)

Suzanne Heymann:

’Tis the season for saying, “Achoo!”
What to do for a cold or a flu?
Drink some honey and lemon
And rest till it’s stemmin’
The coughin’ and phlegmin’ in you.

Tim James:

It was Christmas Eve. Santa was due,
Bearing goodies and gifts, a whole slew.
All my hopes, though, were dashed:
In the chimney he crashed.
I’d forgotten to open the flue.

Ken Gosse:

An old woman who lived in a shoe
Lost her health when they all caught the flu,
Found a book in her cupboard
By ol’ L Ron Hubbard,
And soon lost her life savings too.

Brian Allgar:

The hooker appeared ill at ease;
Her client had started to sneeze.
He was catching the flu!
Far too risky to screw,
So she stayed at arm’s length on her knees.

Mike Burch:

A fly with the flu foully flew
Up my nose — thought I’d die — had to sue!
Now I’m out of my mind
Cuz the trial judge declined
My lawsuit; I’d “failed to achoo.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PARTY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Judith H. Block:

The parties! The booze and the food!
The laughter; The fun, festive mood!
More platefuls? Why, YES!
Though it’s all in excess.
Can’t refuse them ’cause that would be rude!

Tim James:

We met at a New Year’s soirée,
Drinking wine till we got enivré.
Such a sweet mademoiselle,
And a fille oh so belle!
And the way she could French made my day.

David Reddekopp

We thought that the party was super
And we drank ourselves into a stupor.
Then in came the dog
To drop a large log;
That bitch was a big party pooper.

Richard Campbell:

It’s a party, a bash, and a binge;
An affair and a fête — but I cringe.
And my ire will ignite,
If Trump dares to invite
All his friends from the lunatic fringe.

Wendy Playter:

A party is not where it’s at
When you’re wearing an introvert’s hat.
So when it gets loud,
I exit the crowd
And I sneak off to go pet the cat.

Dave Johnson:

Her mother said “Yes, you should go;
Perhaps you might meet a new beau.”
At the party, she sighs;
The available guys
Act like Larry and Curly and Moe.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (261)

Saturday, September 17th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I think that I thought that I thunk,”
Said Descartes, “but perhaps it was bunk.
If I am when I think,
What occurs when I drink?
Well, I think that I therefore am drunk.”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Boating-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

While launching his boat with a Hummer,
He struts like he’s King of the Summer.
Now ready to go,
The Speedo will show
His love life must be a real bummer.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, Mike Burch, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, and Ken Gosse. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BUNK/DEBUNK” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

In the novel I’m reading, a hunk
Has a girlfriend who fondles his junk.
When they started to pet
I broke out in a sweat.
Now excuse me. I’ll be in my bunk.

Brian Allgar

The Captain was thoroughly drunk,
And was bonking a bird in his bunk.
They were suddenly wet,
But it wasn’t from sweat –
In his absence, the liner had sunk.

Diane Groothuis:

Last ev’ning I lay on my bunk,
Quite tired and also quite drunk.
As I pondered and mused,
I became quite confused;
What WAS I? A nun or a monk?

Mike Burch:

There’s something I’d like to debunk:
The GOP’s not in a “funk.”
The Donald, by choice,
Is its unfiltered voice.
Vote for someone who’s sane, or we’re sunk!

Dave Johnson:

On vacation, we’re caught in a funk;
Our Airbnb place is junk.
On a faraway isle,
We’re told with a smile:
“You both have to sleep in de bunk.”

David Reddekopp:

I’m a hunk in a funk when I’m drunk.
Who’da thunk it? My junk, it has shrunk.
It won’t even unfurl,
So I can’t get a girl.
Now I’m sunk – can’t spelunk in my bunk.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOATING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Ken Gosse:

As youngsters, we learned, “Row, Row, Row,”
With no limit on how far to go.
Now older, strength fails:
With no outboard or sails,
We’ll find our return needs a tow.

Tim James:

About boating I haven’t a clue.
What do fo’c’s’les and mizzen masts do?
Tell me why the main bounds
And on what the surf pounds.
And just why on a head would you poo?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Filed under Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest