Posts Tagged ‘Ailsa McKillop’

Limerick-Off Award (293)

Saturday, March 3rd, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

When the doc said, “Ovarian cyst,”
She added his name to the list
Of clueless physicians
Who fail in their missions.
She’s trans, which he somehow had missed.

Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special HAIR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Before her Brazilian, Miss Claire
Grew a raggedy thicket down there.
Although follicly taxing,
Its waning by waxing
Left Claire’s hairy lair fairly bare.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, David Reddekopp, Mike Shulman, Bob Dvorak, Kirk Miller, John Bergstrom, Ailsa McKillop, Mike Burch, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Judith H. Block, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“INSIST or PERSIST or ASSIST or CYST” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Hubby checked out his phone while he pissed,
And — pre-dick-tably — some of it missed.
Now the loo stinks like hell,
But he claims there’s no smell!
Oh, I wish he would cease and desist!

David Reddekopp:

I was nearing the end of my rope.
Would the government give me some hope?
Their reply left me pissed:
“If these problems persist
They’re built into the system, so cope.”

Mike Shulman:

A ribald gent liked to insist
He could come with a flick of the wrist.
He flicked when a cop
Made a brief traffic stop,
And was slapped with a “cease and desist.”

Sharon Neeman:

“My brother’s disgusting!” she hissed.
“Did you hear what he said? I’m so pissed:
‘If adding E-R
Takes a word twice as far,
Then a sister’s just worse than a cyst’!”

Bob Dvorak:

Some readers will find themselves pissed
When on viewpoints I loudly insist.
’Twould be better, I say,
To debate, than say “Nay!”
Present FACTS that one cannot resist.

Kirk Miller:

Charles Dickens could never resist
A martini; the yearn would persist.
So the bartender spoke
Seven words as a joke:
“Hey there Charlie, want Olive or Twist?”

John Bergstrom:

There was a young man who’d insist
He could shop without making a list.
“For the last seven weeks
I’ve bought nothing but leeks.
I don’t care if my girlfriend gets pissed!”

Ailsa McKillop:

The round table game did persist.
Ev’ry man held some cards in his fist.
With expressionless mien
I’d have savoured the scene,
If how poker was played I had wist.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (HAIR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Mike Burch:

The hair flap was truly a scare:
Trump’s bald as a billiard back there!
The whole nation laughed
At the state of his graft;
Now the man’s wigging out, so beware!

Jean McEwen:

I thought that I’d reached for shampoo,
But now the damn comb won’t go through.
Although properly tagged,
The wrong bottle I grabbed.
And that’s why my hair is now goo.

Tim James:

I try to take aging with grace,
Despite wrinkles and sags in my face.
Things have slowed down a lot.
But there’s one thing that’s not:
It’s my hairline, retreating apace.

Dave Johnson:

Rapunzel, please let down your hair;
A fellow from Guinness is there.
He’ll measure your tresses,
And my simple guess is
The record, with inches to spare.

Brian Allgar:

“So waddya think of my hair?”
Said the Donald. She gave him a stare.
“Well, the color – bright yellow –
Is odd for a fellow,
And most of it just isn’t there.”

Judith H. Block:

The guy was as huge as a bear,
So drunk, he slid off the bar chair;
He took a large swig,
Then he grabbed at her wig,
She truly escaped by a hair.

Byron Miller:

Though his trumped-up successes, he’ll flaunt,
Saying, “Let’s make the deal that YOU want.”
I just can’t trust a guy
With his hair piled up high
In a puffed-up big bulbous bouffant.

Dave Johnson:

While Elvis was known for his hair,
His fans were more likely to stare
At the gyrating show
Going on down below;
A pelvis with follicle flair.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (287)

Saturday, December 9th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The golfer whose game hit a snag
And whose shots landed far from the flag,
Said his caddy’s to blame
For advice on his game.
So the caddy’s left holding the bag.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special COWARDICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Donald thinks he’s one hell of a fellow.
“Nothing scares me!” the braggart will bellow.
But as Mueller draws near,
Donald trembles with fear;
Both his hair and his belly are yellow.

Congratulations to MARK KANE, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Turning tricks in hotels was her game.
And with most johns the work was the same:
They’d agree on a price
For his pleasures and vice,
Then she’d leave shortly after he came.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins a special Limerick Puzzle Award for her 3-verse limerick. Here’s how she describes her puzzle challenge: “Find the ‘hidden’ names of what are mostly board games. (Some use dice/die or cards.) There are 13 in total.”

You know, being a spy and a dame
Is a scary and dangerous game.
If I fail in my mission,
I soon will be fishin’
For a graveyard position (oh shame!)

I am sorry; that boat ain’t a yahtzee.
I risk boarding that battleship nazi.
Though it seems so taboo,
I just hadn’t a clue
What the dirty minds knew of a plot, see?

My plan was no trivial pursuit.
I must scrabble for facts and then scoot.
“Operation Titanium”
Don’t boggle my cranium.
I found the uranium! Let’s shoot!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Suzanne Heymann, Dave Johnson, Mike Shulman, David Reddekopp, Ailsa McKillop, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GAME” RHYME DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:

I was watching young people play Twister
With some body parts grabbed by some mister.
But the twist in the game
Unexpectedly came
When his gonads were squeezed by his sister.

Dave Johnson:

Her boyfriend just wasn’t the same,
His excuses – increasingly lame.
Then later she found
He was playing around;
Maintaining his skin in the game.

Mike Shulman:

A sportsman with mis’rable aim
Hunted roadkill in place of real game.
When he bagged a flat skunk,
His wife growled in her funk:
“That’s gamy, which isn’t the same.”

David Reddekopp:

The hunter went out with his daughter.
He thought it was time that he taught her,
So she said “Sure, I’m game!”
He then turned and took aim
With his gun, pulled the trigger, and shot her!

Ailsa McKillop:

On the wall it hung, stitched, in a frame,
The fond motto of Scots to proclaim:
“East or West, Hame is Best.”
The American guest
Said “This Hame guy—just what is his game?”

Sharon Neeman:

A young woman, Lorena by name,
Had a man with a really bad game;
In disgust, she one day
Cut his joystick away.
(Though repaired, it was never the same.)

Mike Shulman:

Mary Lou felt her passions enflame
Playing handball with men without shame.
Saying, “Can we be besties?”
She’d fondle their testes.
“Isn’t handball the name of this game?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (COWARDICE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Call it bravery, gumption or guts;
You’ll find none among GOP sluts.
While they sell out the poor,
Corporations get more.
They’re all cowards. No ifs, ands or buts.

Steve Whitred:

To our shame we’re the ones who empowered
A bully, a boor, and a coward.
And I know time will come
We’ll be rid of the bum.
I just wish it was happening now-ward.

Sue Dulley:

When I’m out for a walk or a jog
And approached by a big off-leash dog,
My saunter is soured.
I’m cowed, I’m a coward;
My jog soon turns into a slog.

Brian Allgar:

At the dentist, I’m really quite brave,
But each morning, I gibber and rave
At the blood and the pain,
Swearing “Never again!”
I’m a coward when having to shave.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (240)

Sunday, November 29th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

For church, we’ve got no time to spend,
And the sermons we don’t comprehend,
So I set up a dummy
Of me and my mummy.
We tend to pretend we attend.

Congratulations to Judith H. Block on her Facebook Friends’ Choice Award:

This Thanksgiving we need to intend
To be kind and to try to transcend
Misconceptions and fears.
We’ve all shed enough tears.
The world needs more love, in the end.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ailsa McKillop, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, and Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Ailsa McKillop:

So you know when you plain overspend
On some Blahniks, egged on by your friend?
Hubby asks you the price
And without thinking twice
You halve it. That’s right, gals pretend!

Kirk Miller:

The tornado book follows a trend
Of suspense books that oftentimes tend
To give a surprise.
If readers are wise,
They’ll expect there’s a twist at the end.

Tim James:

Ladies, THIS is important. Attend:
There’s this guy, all laid up, on the mend,
While sweet, innocent Jean
(In the ways of love, green)
Says, “Good heavens! I thought it could bend!”

Brian Allgar:

They keep sending me ads to extend
The size of a lecher’s best friend,
So I trash it – no dice!
If I took their advice,
I’d be just a big prick in the end.

Fred Bortz:

I was warmly invited to spend
Some time to inter my good friend.
But it seems I was cursed,
And, alas, I died first.
So I sent my regrets: “Can’t attend.”

Dave Johnson:

Her lover won’t even defend
His failure to stretch and extend
Their moment of bliss
Beyond only this:
“OH YES!” He rolls over. The end.

Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller:

I have an effeminate friend.
Local NFL games we attend,
Though he’s not into sports.
It’s because he cavorts
With a certain young rookie tight end.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (235)

Saturday, October 17th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

That new composition’s a bore:
Just hear how the listeners snore.
(The composer, though, knows
That they’re likely to doze:
He’s written them into the score.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Ailsa McKillop, David Reddekopp, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

He took up his chisel to score
A design on his new stable-door.
When the horse tried to bolt
He just took out his Colt
And shot it. His colt is no more.

Ailsa McKillop:

Allusions there were by the score
(The meter; a raven; Lenore)
In my parody, terse.
But so few knew Poe’s verse
That there seemed little point. Nevermore.

David Reddekopp:

The troops came and told me the score
About why they were fighting the war:
“We make war, since you wonder,
For pillage and plunder.”
I said “You’re corrupt!” to the corps.

Brian Allgar: (A variant on an old story)

“If I offered a million to score,
Would you let me have sex with you?” “Sure!”
When he said “And ten bucks
For a couple of fucks?”,
She exclaimed “Do you think I’m a whore?”

“With all due respect”, replied he,
We’ve established, I think you’ll agree,
What you are beyond doubt.
Now we’re haggling about
The amount you’ll accept as your fee.”

David Reddekopp: (Turning Twix)

“Oh, Henry,” says Candy, the whore.
She Snickers, “would you like to Skor?
For a modest PayDay
You’ll have your Milky Way.”
But his Aero has hurt her; she’s sore.

Dave Johnson:

Whenever you’re ready to score,
Our product can help with the chore.
With just one little pill
You’ll keep going until
You are both really happy – or sore.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (165)

Saturday, May 24th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Robert Schechter:

Said the fiddler who’d broken his bow,
“Have no fear! I’m a consummate pro!
I’ll do what I gotta
With pure pizzicata,
And with pluck I will finish the show!”

Congratulations to KEVIN AHERN and SCOTT CROWDER, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Kevin Ahern:

As he tied up his art with a bow,
The artist declared “I don’t know
How I’ll get to the Louvre
Because I can’t move.
I wish I could make my van Gogh.”

Scott Crowder:

A woman broke up with her beau,
The banker who had lotsa dough,
And gave her gold rings
With other nice things,
Yet nary a single big O.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Chris Doyle, Colleen Murphy, Ailsa McKillop, Brian Allgar, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Will T. Laughlin, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, and Val Fish. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Chris Doyle:

“The hooker’s gone aft!” hollers Beau
As the yacht sinks. Says Jeff, “Let her go.
We have only one oar
In the dinghy. What’s more,
Daddy swore she’s a hard ho to row.”

Colleen Murphy:

I once tried to shoot with a bow,
Then I searched for my shaft to and fro.
I could tell I was not
William Tell when my shot
Found its mark in my neighbor kid’s toe.

Ailsa McKillop:

I undid the ribbon and bow
Of the chess program gift from my bro.
By computer outclassed
I was checkmated fast!
But I won the next match — taekwondo.

Brian Allgar:

Oh, Lenore!” cried her heartbroken beau,
“Shall I see you again?” Poor old Poe
Heard a tap at the door,
And a voice: “Nevermore!”
Thus the raven continued to crow.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

The President’s dog is named Bo,
And whenever he’s planning to go
And do something good
Like all doggies should,
The Republican dogs all bark, “NO!!!!!”

Will T. Laughlin:

A woman got dumped by her beau.
“But… why?” she demanded to know.
“To be honest,” he said,
“You’ve no talent for head.”
(Now they’ve BOTH had a terrible blow.)

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A musician was buying a bow
For which instrument he didn’t know.
“If I’m feeling mellow
It might be a cello
But fiddling’s my failing. Let’s go!”

Val Fish:

A woman broke up with her beau
Whose assets were woefully low.
She waved him goodbye
For a far sweeter guy;
Sugar daddy with truck-loads more dough.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (153)

Sunday, February 23rd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A caveman would give her a knock
On the head with a stone or a crock,
No romantic palaver …
Today, we are suaver,
And stun them with Tiffany rock.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for these three limericks, each of which received the most Facebook “likes.” (Yes, Chris is in a three-way tie with himself.)

Chris Doyle:

At midnight there came a strange knock,
A tap-tapping that rattled the lock.
‘Twas a crow at the door
Of my store to implore
That I keep Poe’s “The Raven” in stock.

Chris Doyle:

As you’re surfing online, there’s a knock
At the door, then a shout, “Break the lock!”
It’s the Feds, who suppose
You make bombs since you chose
As your tag “the nuke kid on the block.”

Chris Doyle:

My joke, which begins with “Knock, knock,”
Prompts your question “Who’s there?” and then shock
When my “Ivan” to you
Makes you ask, “Ivan who?”
And I say: “Ivan EighteenInchCock.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Ailsa McKillop, Steve Whitred, Charley Simmons, Fred Bortz, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A dog who had learned how to knock
Would stop at each door on his block.
He knew not to beg,
So he’d just lift his leg
And if given a treat, no wet sock!

Ailsa McKillop:

The circle all heard a loud knock.
Cried their leader (in black trailing frock):
“Oh spirit, pray speak!”
To her left was a shriek.
That latecomer caused quite a shock.

Steve Whitred:

In Boston a drug cop’s a ‘nawc’
And a prank or a spree is a ‘lawk.’
All the dogs are baroque.
This I swear is no joke:
At the moon they don’t howl, they just ‘Bach.’

Charley Simmons:

A sailor gal heard a loud knock.
At the door, she was in for a shock.
For a flasher was there.
He was smiling and bare,
So she tied a square knot on his cock.

Fred Bortz:

At the séance when I heard the knock,
I was sure it was charlatan schlock.
Then the medium, small,
Loomed quite large after all,
When my late Granny started to talk.

Will T. Laughlin:

You open the door to the knock:
It’s a skeleton holding a clock.
It hits you (too late)
As you go to your Fate
That you ought to have gone to the Doc.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (123)

Sunday, July 21st, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

She gave the poor doctor a kick
That laid him out flat as a brick.
She completely forgot
He was giving a shot
When he said, “You may feel a small prick.”

Congratulations to COLLEEN MURPHY, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

There’s nothing like feeling her kick
Or hearing her little heart tick.
I am glowing with pride
As she’s growing inside
And I think of the name I will pick.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Chris Doyle, Ailsa McKillop, Don Wilkie, Raphael Harris, Fred Bortz, Colleen Murphy, and Craig Dykstra.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Chris Doyle:

We college boys all get a kick
Out of Penthouse’s sexy and slick
Pix of women undressed.
The centerfold’s best–
She’s the chick on the pages that stick.

Ailsa McKillop:

A woman was battling to kick
Her craving for cheeseburgers (thick)
With fries on the side.
Too great the divide
Between that, and a celery stick.

Don Wilkie:

The Jabberwock hunter’s new kick
Is a diet: “Lose twenty pounds quick!”
He gave up all his snacks;
Now when Jabby attacks,
His vorpal blade only goes “snick.”

Raphael Harris:

There once was a fellow named Kick,
Who had an extremely small dick.
The girls called him ‘Mrs.’,
But after some kisses,
It grew to the size of a tick.

Fred Bortz:

I have gone on a limerick kick
Since encount’ring Mad Kane and her clique.
My humor, once gaudy,
Ascended to bawdy,
And will soon reach the summit of schtick.

Colleen Murphy:

The habit I swear I will kick
Is the one where I’m turning a trick,
Cause at aged ninety-one
It’s just not any fun.
No more Thomas or Harry or Dick.

Craig Dykstra:

Miss Lewinsky’s career was a kick,
‘Til the tryst with an Arkansas hick.
It then ended quite soon–
Like a children’s balloon,
It was done in by one little prick.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (121)

Sunday, July 7th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

You could plead, if you sat on the board
Of GM or Chrysler or Ford,
That they set as their bar
A dependable car,
But you never would reach an Accord.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

As a bride, Mrs Milton was bored.
To her dear husband John she implored:
“You wrote Paradise Lost.”
Then her legs she uncrossed.
“Now find paradise yet unexplored.”

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, sometimes given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

One day, when King Alfred was bored,
He put down his scepter and sword.
Forthwith the King called
To Bard Bertram the Bald:
“Soothe my soul with a comforting chord!”

The Bard began singing his song,
And the comforted King hummed along…
‘Til a jealous vizier
Whispered into his ear,
“Oh, Your Majesty! Something is wrong!”

“A rumor I’ve heard — a humdinger –
Says that Bertram is really a ringer!”
He continued, “I’ve heard
In his beard is a bird,
And the bird (not the Bard) is the singer!”

Cried King Alfred, “How thoroughly weird…
A Bard with a bird in his beard!”
So he gave a command
To the men close at hand
That the Bard should be taken and sheared.

Poor Bertram. It soon came to pass
That they shaved his face smoother than glass.
But the story absurd
Of the bearded Bard’s bird
Was just so much chin-music, alas.

Once Bertram was shaven, the King
Knew he’d done a regrettable thing.
The King had been careless,
And Bertram (the Hairless)
Was never again heard to sing.

So here is the moral, milord:
It’s a lesson that can’t be ignored.
If your Bard has a bird
In his beard, mum’s the word…
Or you’ll end up eternally bored.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, Colleen Murphy, Ailsa McKillop, Sue Dulley, and Madeleine Sara Maddocks. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

The newlyweds never got bored.
The bride often found herself floored.
And sofa’d, and bedded,
And dining room setted,
And once got mahogany doored.

Fred Bortz:

He insists, “No, my dear, I’m not bored.
In fact, I would say that I scored.”
She replies, “I’ve concluded
You must be deluded.
In less than a minute, you snored.”

Will T. Laughlin:

One day, when Jehovah was bored,
Deep shit on his servant he poured.
Cried Job, in his pain,
“I don’t mean to complain,
But you need a new hobby, O Lord!”

Colleen Murphy:

The newlywed said he was bored.
His statement could not be ignored.
The fellow, in truth,
Had wed Dr. Ruth.
She preached what she could not accord.

Ailsa McKillop:

Oh, I was so heartily bored!
As each actor received their award,
Such thespian gush
Heard in reverent hush—
Take me now, if it pleases you, Lord!

Sue Dulley:

In England, “I’m bawd” means they’re bored,
And when the tea’s “pawed” it’s been poured.
They only say R’s
That aren’t there (Mar and Pa’s).
If you told them that’s flawed, they’d be floored.

Madeleine Maddocks:

A woman felt terribly bored
By each conquest she entered and scored.
On a scale one to ten,
She would judge all her men
With a zero for any who snored!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (120)

Saturday, June 29th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A peeping Venetian was fined,
So he hired a lawyer who whined:
“Your honor, that maid
Had adjusted her shade–
In effect, the Venetian was blind!”

Congratulations to Scott Crowder, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow was trying to find
Why bigots can be so unkind.
It doesn’t take glasses
To see those big asses
Are more than a little behind.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins a Limerick Saga Award:

Mr. Rencible came home to find
His wife and his best friend entwined–
Man’s Best Friend, I should say,
An enormous Shar-Pei–
And the sight of it troubled his mind.

“Please stop it,” cried poor Mr. Rencible;
“Bestiality’s quite indefensible.
Oh, why go to hell
For a sin you can’t spell?
My darling, it just isn’t sensible!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Ailsa McKillop, Steve Whitred,
Tim James, and Danielle Nowlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

I frequently wish I could find
The thoughts I have stored in my mind,
But when I hit play
Each thought’s gone away.
What I need is a stop and rewind.

Craig Dykstra:

“You got banned from the dance club and fined?
For tardiness? Why would they mind?”
“No, you misunderstand me–
I said that they banned me
For feeling a little behind.”

Ailsa McKillop:

A woman was thrilled with her find–
A skirt of pure silk, fully lined!
In the thrift shop—dirt cheap!
But oh, she could weep–
‘Twas unflatt’ring, when viewed from behind.

Steve Whitred:

Quite often her fingers would find
There’s a spot where the sun rarely shined,
And she might have got blisters
If not that the sisters
Had warned her, “It makes you go blind.”

Tim James:

A woman was angered to find
When driving, and hit from behind,
That the shock of the bump
Made her breast implants jump.
So now her front end’s misaligned.

Danielle Nowlin:

A girl on an airplane did find
She was feeling quite tightly confined.
She asked, “Sir, could you sit
With your seat up a bit?”
Said he rudely, “I’m not too inclined.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (116)

Sunday, June 2nd, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Kirk Miller, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

As you age you may feel rather ill,
But your life needn’t lack for a thrill.
Here’s a message that’s true:
Just remember that you
Pick up speed when you’re going down hill.

Congratulations to Ailsa McKillop, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Ailsa McKillop:

A gal who was feeling quite ill
Said bravely, “I just have a chill.”
But the cause of malaise
Was one Nature obeys
When a woman forgets just one Pill.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Sue Dulley, Scott Crowder, Fred Bortz, John Peter Larkin, Colleen Murphy, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A man who was frequently ill
Was told to eat plenty of krill
Which his doctor, a shark,
Had prescribed as a lark,
Then sent him a whale of a bill.

Byron Miller:

Tis a good wind which blows one no ill
That will swirl ‘neath girls’ dresses and thrill
Passing gents with a peek
At the regions they seek,
Lifting hopes which they long to fulfill.

Sue Dulley:

North Koreans once had Kim Jong-il
Rule their land with his powerful will.
Now it falls to his son,
Who is named Kim Jong-un,
His father’s large flip-flops to fill.

Scott Crowder:

A woman was feeling quite ill
At the thought of that five dollar bill
In the crack of her butt;
She becomes such a slut
When Tequila determines her will.

Fred Bortz:

The mallard was feeling quite ill
So the duck doctor gave him a pill.
But the bird blew his stack,
‘Cause the doc was a quack
And charged him a wing and a bill.

John Peter Larkin:

A gal was convinced she was ill
After eating an off-tasting dill.
She asked her poor spouse
Why he’s still in the house
And not fetching a curative pill.

Colleen Murphy:

A drunkard was feeling quite ill
After reading his credit card bill.
“On the first of September
The flight I remember,
But not where I spent half a mil!”

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A woman was suddenly ill
When she glanced at the theater’s playbill,
And found it quite odd;
She’d reserved Sweeney Todd,
But the Barber was now in Seville.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (106)

Sunday, March 24th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Jeff Davis was angered to read
Not so much that the slaves had been freed,
But that Unionists were
On the To-line—O slur!—
And secessionists only cc’d.

Congratulations to Sue Dulley and Marty McCullen, who tied to win this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Sue Dulley:

A student, while trying to read
In the bathroom (the book was “Candide”)
Heard “Come play this game
Testing balance and aim!”
So he put down his novel and Wii’d.

Marty McCullen:

A fellow was trying to read
The Bio of great Sammy Snead,
But he would just stutter
When using the putter.
At best he was fit to be teed.

Congratulations to Ailsa McKillop, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

A fellow was trying to read
And make sense of instructions decreed
In the cookbook: “With glove on
“Take joint from the oven.
“To now baste the meat you will need.”

At your peril true meaning ignore.
Do not do what he did, I implore!
At the critical point
He took out the joint
And a rolling pin out of the drawer.

With common sense no more than fleeting
And eager to improve on the eating,
In mistaken belief
This would tenderize beef,
He gave it an out-and-out beating!

So there is the beef, on its platter
Misshapen, askew (and much flatter.)
He should at this point
With its juices anoint
The roast dinner – to “baste”, not to “batter”!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Edmund Conti, Will T. Laughlin, Sue Dulley, Colleen Murphy, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, and Nelderini. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was trying to read
Of a man who was trying to breed
On someone’s behalf
(and here you can laugh)
Intercede? Yes indeed. Enter seed.

Will T. Laughlin:

The Bishop was trying to read
The words of the Catholic Creed.
But the words “unum Deum”
Came out, “Iam Gayum” –
A stunning confession indeed.

Sue Dulley:

In a joke I once happened to read:
Descartes and a friend drank some mead.
Said the friend: “One more, eh?”
“I think not,” said René,
Then vanished with infinite speed.

Colleen Murphy:

My stepson was wanting to read,
An abnormal desire indeed,
Until I discovered
The girls were uncovered.
Seems his “book” met a less learned need.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A fellow was trying to read
The book “What to Do When You’re Treed.”
He looked down at the bear
And he thought, “Do I dare
Ask HIM for the glasses I need?”

Johanna Richmond, who sends a “get well” limerick to our friend and fellow Limerick-Offer, Steve Whitred:

Dear Steve, I’m so sorry to read
You’ve been ill — that’s a pity indeed.
Wishing speedy relief;
Hope your absence is brief
Or our lim’rick-off might go to seed!

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A farmer was trying to read
Of hybrids, a skill he might need.
“Two plants get together
But will I know whether
Each seed will be glad to con-seed?”

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A woman was trying to read
The stocks that may lag or may lead.
Said she: “I don’t care
For the bull or the bear,
As long as I’m in the stampede.”

Nelderini:

A woman was trying to read
The number of caplets she’d need
To clear her congestion.
“‘How bany?’s da question
To stob wit da cough an’ da sneed!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!