Limerick Ills (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman was feeling quite ill…*


A fellow who often spoke ill…*


A gal was convinced she was ill…*


A man would pretend to be ill…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Ills
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Poison ivy can make you quite ill
And lead to a large doctor’s bill.
You’re allergic? Could be
That you need an IV,
And may itch to attend to that will.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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91 Responses to “Limerick Ills (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Mark Kane says:

    I beg that you don’t think me ill,
    But the music I loved, I love still.
    And now we have “Rap”,
    With no reason to clap.
    I feel music has sled right downhill.

  2. Ailsa McKillop says:

    A gal who was feeling quite ill
    Said bravely, “I just have a chill.”
    But the cause of malaise
    Was one Nature obeys
    When a woman forgets just one Pill.

  3. Sue Dulley says:

    A fellow who never was ill
    Felt sick when he parted from Jill.
    Although it was risky
    She made her own whisky –
    It’s over, though he loves her still.

  4. Ailsa McKillop says:

    A man would pretend to be ill
    Bunked off work — racing’s more of thrill!
    He was caught out at Ayr
    Being all unaware
    Of the TV crew filming at will.

  5. Ailsa McKillop says:

    A woman was feeling quite ill
    Said piously, “It is God’s will
    If I live or I die –
    No treatment take I!”
    Sad to say, she went quickly downhill.

  6. Ailsa McKillop says:

    A fellow who often spoke ill
    Of his colleagues and boss at the mill
    On this point would enthuse
    At job interviews
    He’s no clue why he’s at that job still!

  7. Ailsa McKillop says:

    Scots people, whenever they’re ill
    For hospital, linctus or pill
    Need spend no largesse
    For with Scots NHS
    They’re facing no medical bill.

  8. Sue Dulley says:

    A man who enjoyed being ill
    Rented movies: Kill Bill, The Big Chill…
    Watched each DVD
    On his bedroom TV
    ‘Til the time came to see Dr. Phil.

  9. A gal was convinced she was ill
    When her midriff started to fill.
    But some nine months later,
    With perambulator,
    She remembered forgetting the Pill.

  10. A man would pretend to be ill
    To skip work and daily fulfill
    A dream to be seen
    As a carnival queen,
    A passion that gave him a thrill.

  11. The lad, Jack, was feeling quite ill,
    After fetching some water with Jill.
    In the original rhyme,
    They glossed over a crime:
    He was pushed, not fell, down the hill.

  12. A fellow was feeling quite ill
    After eating his wife’s junket, until
    He dropped dead on the spot,
    And she inherited the lot:
    Where there’s a whey there’s a will.

  13. colonialist says:

    You are cruel choosing that rhyme word, because the obvious ‘pill’ doesn’t actually rhyme with it! *thinking cap*

  14. Diane Groothuis says:

    A woman was feeling quite ill
    Her appearance did not fill the bill
    She had a red nose
    And when the subject arose
    They gave her a sugar coated pill

  15. Dean says:

    A man would pretend to be ill
    And would drive to the clinic at will
    Just to see that cute nurse
    But he felt much worse
    When he opened the large doctor bill.

  16. Dean Geier says:

    That’s actually me up there–my computer cursor keeps bouncing around on me. :-)

  17. Chris Papa says:

    A fellow was feeling quite ill,
    When girl friend said she’d skipped the pill,
    And at their last mating,
    Was then ovulating,
    When he would with love juices fill.

  18. yt cai says:

    Something mama ate is making her ill
    It could be ice cream flavored with dill
    Was feeling quite fickle
    Ate pistachio and pickle
    Now pregnant feeling green in the gill

  19. yt cai says:

    Sticker shock is making me ill
    Reviewing this huge repair bill
    for parts and labor
    why screw your neighbor
    When you know they’re not on the pill

  20. yt cai says:

    Rosie’s raps are particularly ill
    Quite dope and at times even chill
    on the assembly line
    she produces rhyme
    Her label is ‘Run of the Mill’

  21. Hansi says:

    A woman was feeling quit ill
    Cause she forgot to take ‘the morning after pill’
    So now with child
    After feeling defiled
    Thought, “I’ll let Bubbua pay the doctor’s bill.

  22. colonialist says:

    I am going to be hated by every entrant so far for this. (I suppose near rhymes will fill the bill, but still!)

    All purists are feeling quite ill
    That nobody knows only ‘hill’
    Can rhyme here; not ‘pill’,
    ‘Bill’, ‘fill’, ‘drill’, or ‘mill’ –
    To use which, lacks all rhyming skill!

  23. colonialist says:

    P.S. Does the above apply with an American accent, I wonder?

  24. Kathleen Cole says:

    A gal was convinced she was ill
    To any and everyone she’d spill
    With details replete
    She’d never retreat
    Until, one day, I offered my bill

  25. John Sardo says:

    A fellow who often spoke ill
    Of gals who weren’t on the pill.
    Said he wasn’t a putz
    Took a cut to the nuts
    And lay down with no worry at will.

  26. John Sardo says:

    A gal was convinced she was ill
    After drinking a gallon of swill
    It wasn’t the drink
    Turned her face deep red pink
    But the thrill of hot nights in steamy Brazil.

  27. John Sardo says:

    A gal would pretend to be ill,
    Then said “Phil I’m not on the pill.”
    To her utter dismay
    He went on his way
    Plan B was the drill after after nights of sweet thrill.

  28. Judith H. Block says:

    A woman was feeling quite ill
    At GMO’s government shills.
    She then made a vow-
    “Stop Monsanto NOW!”
    “We won’t buy or eat toxic swill!”

  29. Rafael says:

    A woman was feeling quite ill
    Regretted not taking her pill
    With bun in the oven
    From who know whose no good luv’n
    Feinted as she sucked on a dill

  30. rafael says:

    A man who often spoke ill
    Rose above the political swill
    Claimed nothing’s his fault
    Well….except that assault
    Which ended in Bin Laden’s kill

  31. Antonio Winspeare says:

    A poetic writer was ill
    So her friend said: “Lend me your quill
    As burning a feather
    On your parts most nether
    Will bacteria and bugs surely kill”.

    She bared her rear-end to fulfil
    Killing all the bacteria at will
    But an enflamed fart
    Blew the maiden apart
    They are mourning her poetry still.

  32. Fred Bortz says:

    The mallard was feeling quite ill
    So the duck doctor gave him a pill.
    But the bird blew his stack,
    ‘Cause the doc was a quack,
    And charged him a wing and a bill.

  33. Fred Bortz says:

    Blagojevich once governered Ill-
    Inois with his hand in the till.
    When caught in a crime,
    He was sentenced to time
    In a prison where he’s serving still.

  34. Randy Mazie says:

    A guy would pretend to be ill
    When his wife went off of the pill
    His life’s on the skids
    As he had seven kids
    And he couldn’t pay off any bill

    A guy would pretend to be ill-er
    As his wife always wanted a thrill-er
    He couldn’t adjust
    her insatiable lust
    and so he turned into a kill-her


    A guy would pretend to be ill-ie
    When his wife went off of the pill-ie
    He couldn’t afford
    another small ward
    Which would make his Willie go Nil-ie

    Come visit at The Writers Village

  35. kaykuala says:

    A fellow who often spoke ill…
    Of others around to his fill
    It was unwise
    Was ostracized
    Stopped his rumor-mongering mill


  36. Edmund Conti says:

    A woman was feeling quite ill
    And ailed and ailed until
    Mirabile dictu
    He husband got sick too
    Which cured her of gall and ill will.

  37. Edmund Conti says:

    I’m feeling a bit of elation
    For the vicar, his roof and their nation.
    Yes, I am feeling glad
    Even though it is sad
    That something got lost in translation.

  38. Peter Eisenhauer says:

    A man would pretend to be ill
    To get dosed on a mind-numbing pill
    Doc heard his description
    And wrote this prescription
    “Piss off now, we’ll send you the bill”

  39. scott says:

    A woman was feeling quite ill,
    at the thought of that five dollar bill,
    in the crack of her butt,
    she becomes such a slut,
    when Tequila determines her will.

  40. Bob Dvorak says:

    A woman was sure she was ill:
    No longer from Hubs any thrill.
    But her shrink merely coughed
    And alleged he’d gone soft.
    So, whose problem? Who cares? Take a pill.

  41. A man who was frequently ill
    Was told to eat plenty of krill
    Which his doctor, a shark,
    Had prescribed as a lark
    Then sent him a whale of a bill.

  42. Rich D says:

    A partier feeling quite ill
    was leaning out a window sill
    He got up to leave
    right after his heave
    as folks on the porch looked to kill

  43. Rich D says:

    A flautist became rather ill
    with seizures whenever she’d trill
    Her biggest of gripes
    was with “Stars & Stripes”
    her seizure of Sousa was shrill!

  44. Rich D says:

    ** edit of above **
    A flautist became rather ill
    with epilepsy when she’d trill
    Her biggest of gripes
    was with “Stars & Stripes” –
    Her seizure of Sousa was shrill!

  45. Carolyn Henly says:

    This evening I’m feeling quite ill;
    The buffet had way too much grill.
    After meatloaf and salmon
    And oysters and gammon
    I ought to have passed on the krill.

  46. rbasler says:

    a woman got violently ill,
    throwing up on her red Coupe de Ville
    she sopped up the barf
    on the hood with her scarf
    but it never came out of the grille

  47. Rich (in Name Only) in Reno says:

    A fellow who often spoke ill
    Of his aunt was left out of her will
    This rascally knave
    Went to dance on her grave
    But ‘twas damp; the cad died from a chill

  48. John Peter Larkin says:

    A gal was convinced she was ill
    after eating an off-tasting dill.
    She asked her poor spouse
    why he’s still in the house
    and not fetching a curative pill.

    A fellow who often spoke ill
    took his seat on Capitol Hill.
    He found fault with Obama
    even blaming his mama.
    He’d learned the Republican drill.

  49. James Hazelton says:

    A woman was feeling quite ill
    Having just read her grandmother’s will
    Granny must have been stoned
    Left her cat all she owned
    And the woman was penniless still

  50. Mark Kane says:

    If there’s one thing that makes me feel ill,
    It’s the sound of a dentist’s cruel drill.
    Have I gone? Not for years,
    Not with all of these fears.
    But Today? Nope, I haven’t the will.

  51. Sue Dulley says:

    Would you think I was mentally ill
    If I told you I still get a thrill
    From humming along
    To a rarely-heard song,
    The Beatles’ “The Fool on the Hill”?

  52. Mark Kane says:

    The sound of that drill makes me ill.
    Must a dentist use one that’s so shrill?
    But all that will pass,
    Once he gives me the gas,
    Then I’ll chill, till I’m handed the bill.

  53. Tom Harris says:

    This fellow quite often spoke ill
    Of his wife, a woman named Jill,
    A long suffering chick
    Who’d married the hick
    Before she discovered the pill.

  54. Tom Harris says:

    Seymour would pretend to be ill
    To stay home and tend to his still.
    He thought that just fine
    ’Til the stuff in his stein
    Turned out to be poisonous swill.

  55. Kirk Miller says:

    Will chicken soup cure every ill?
    “It won’t, but what’s proven,” said Jill,
    “If you want to feel good,
    Then you certainly should
    Try a roll in the hay, and you will.”

    The duck many times had been ill;
    Vet tried for a cure with a pill.
    “Though this drug didn’t work,
    The vet’s fee I won’t shirk.
    So put it,” duck said, “On my bill.”

  56. Kirk Miller says:

    As you age you may feel rather ill,
    But your life needn’t lack for a thrill.
    Here’s a message that’s true:
    Just remember that you
    Pick up speed when you’re going down hill.

  57. A woman was feeling quite ill,
    said her voice had developed a trill.
    the birds in the region
    flocked like a legion
    and perched on her second floor sill

  58. brian miller says:

    a man was feeling quite ill
    so he found in the cab a pill
    washed it down his gullet
    and stood up like a bullet
    and 5 hours later called the doc, “whats the deal?”

    ha, totally botched the form but…

  59. Manicddaily says:

    There once was a man who spoke ill
    Of those viewed from his dank window sill,
    Everybody’s so asinine
    He groaned as he passed the time–
    Yet he stared out deep into night’s chill.

    Hey Madeleine! hope all is well. k.

  60. A woman was feeling quite ill
    you see she had taken a chill
    she through down the bourbon
    and twirled in her turban
    and said: its better than a pill

    Hi Madeleine!

  61. A cannibal felt rather ill
    Right after having eaten his fill
    Two Yanks that had gout
    And one sour Kraut
    Left him needing a small purple pill.

  62. Ailsa McKillop says:

    Foods vineg’ry made hubbie ill.
    At McD’s in Detroit, at the till
    I got in a pickle –
    English language – so fickle!
    On instructing the staff, “Hold the dill !”

  63. Errol Nimbly says:

    Tis a good wind which blows one no ill
    That will swirl ‘neath girls’ dresses and thrill
    Passing gents with a peek
    At the regions they seek,
    Raising hopes which they long to fulfill.

  64. When politics make me feel ill
    And I long for a license to kill
    I would like to suggest
    Pointed limericks are best.
    They can skewer the pompous with skill.

  65. Tim James says:

    A movie buff takes it quite ill
    When he can’t get his little blue pill.
    When he can, for his wife
    It’s a Wonderful Life.
    But without it, it’s more The Big Chill.

  66. Mark Kane says:

    Jack is resting but currently ill,
    The result of a terrible spill.
    But given some plumbing,
    He and Jill can be cumming,
    With no need to remount that hill.

  67. Diane Groothuis says:

    A girl who was often quite ill
    Wore a bra with a pretty lace frill
    It attracted the guys
    who widened their eyes
    But her Mum said “Now don’t catch a chill”.

  68. Ailsa McKillop says:

    In pubs you will not fare so ill
    Your tum with a ploughman’s to fill
    Branston’s pickle will please
    With the bread and the cheese,
    All garnished with two sprigs of dill.

  69. A man did pretend to be ill
    As he climbed out of his windowsill
    The birds gave a fright
    Causing him to take flight
    Balancing took too much skill

  70. Diane Groothuis says:

    That vicar who feeling so ill
    Raised funds for his carpentry bill
    Said “we’ve repaired the leak
    So the choir don’t shriek
    Their voices were terribly shrill”

  71. RJ Clarken says:

    Some bacterias might make you ill,
    but your doctor can give you a pill.
    A bit of Augmentin
    will soon put a dent in
    the nausea and headache and chill.

  72. RJ Clarken says:

    A fellow was thought to be ill.
    after tilting at someone’s windmill.
    Lest you think, at first glance,
    this is all song and dance,
    I suggest you consult your Playbill.

  73. RJ Clarken says:

    A woman was feeling quite ill
    as her dentist commenced with his drill.
    “Don’t worry,” he ‘splained,
    “I’ve been thoroughly trained
    to drill, fill and give you a bill.”

  74. Johanna Richmond says:

    My birthday’s tomorrow — I’m ill.
    Fifty-one’s clearly over the hill.
    Charm, charisma and wit
    Got me this far but, shit,
    They just can’t put that stuff in a pill.

  75. Sue Dulley says:

    North Koreans once had Kim Jong-il
    Rule their land with his powerful will
    Now it falls to his son
    Who is called Kim Jong-un
    His father’s large flip-flops to fill.

  76. Sue Dulley says:

    An Iowa town’s folk thought ill
    Of an instrument salesman with skill
    Who sang of trombones
    While he wooed Shirley Jones
    (In the movie) – he’s Prof. Harold Hill.

  77. Carolyn Henly says:

    A debutante feeling quite ill
    after dancing too fast a quadrille
    collapsed very soon
    (gently lit by the moon)
    in a swoon fit for C.B. DeMille.

  78. Ailsa McKillop says:

    When rendering I Fear No Ill
    The choir no longer sound shrill
    But forte, not piano
    In true, clear soprano
    And that’s just the men! What a thrill …

  79. Dr. Goose says:

    A lad who was feeling quite ill
    With a sickness for which there’s no pill
    Would go convalesce
    On the shores of Loch Ness
    Where the monster lives just down the hill.

  80. Dr. Goose says:

    “A wind that blows no good is ill”
    Is a truth that is accurate still.
    It belongs to the lore
    Of the stock trading floor
    And the back rooms of Capitol Hill.

  81. Dr. Goose says:

    An investor became very ill
    At the yield on his 17 mill’.
    “There’s no interest,” he said,
    “Thanks to Ben & the Fed,
    On my T-Note or Treasury bill.”

  82. Dr. Goose says:

    A drinker became very ill
    From the volume of vodka he’d swill:
    “Though I can’t hold my booze,”
    He said, “I will use
    As much as Grey Goose can distill.”

  83. Dr. Goose says:

    A woman was suddenly ill
    When she glanced at the theater’s playbill,
    And found it quite odd,
    She’d reserved Sweeney Todd,
    But the Barber was now in Seville.

  84. Dr. Goose says:

    A woman was frequently ill
    While expecting her second son Will.
    Though nausea distressed her,
    The second trimester
    Was luck’ly more run-of-of-the-mill.

  85. Tim James says:

    Two variations on a theme

    I. Naughty

    Sweet Phyllis’s guy wasn’t ill
    Though his interest in food had been nil.
    He rolled over and said,
    “With this session in bed,
    It seems that I’ve eaten my Phyl.”

    II. Not naughty

    Phillip’s wife was a zombie, not ill,
    So her interest in most food was nil.
    And the reason is plain:
    She dines only on brain.
    To that end, she just ate her Phil.

  86. Johanna Richmond says:

    Bachman’s quitting — seems making us ill
    Brings more cash when she’s not on the hill.
    But to keep things in-house,
    Her closeted spouse
    Will be looking for Bills he can quill.

  87. Sue Dulley says:

    A herbivore made herself ill
    By eating some nuts from Brazil.
    She would have done well
    To take off each shell
    But lacked both the strength and the skill.

  88. Carolyn Henly says:

    I wrote this limerick in tribute to Will T. Laughlin, whose many limericks over the past few weeks have entertained me greatly. I’ve been waiting for him to post one this week, so I could post this in response; however, it doesn’t look like he’s going to, and the tribute limerick works this week only–since this rhyme will never come again!

    These limericks are making me ill;
    For a good rhyming brain I could kill.
    I just don’t have enough
    To keep up with the stuff
    Of the master named T. Laughlin, Will.

  89. Dean Deters says:

    A woman was feeling quite ill
    So she sat for a bit on the sill.
    But her balance was off
    So of course she fell off.
    Tomorrow they’re reading her will.

  90. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
    Limerick of the Week 116.

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Suit.