Reading Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman was trying to read…*

or

A fellow was trying to read…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Reading Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman was trying to read
The very fine print on a screed,
But the words were a blur.
Seems her eyeglasses were
Way to weak, cuz of eyes gone to seed.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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136 Responses to “Reading Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. The Real Cie says:

    I’ve got a spooky one right here!

  2. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    A Flower Bed?

    A fellow was trying to read
    Instructions for planting his seed
    In a place I can’t name
    (Due to blushing or shame?)
    He sighed and proceeded to weed

    His yard since the writing had faded,
    And those needs now seemed somewhat degraded.
    Just then, Daisy and Rose
    (With no hose ‘neath their clothes)
    Strolled by: distant neighbors who traded

    Their favors as flow’rs of the night,
    And today were a most welcome sight.
    “Ladies, I’ve got the tools
    But I can’t follow rules:
    Is a two-for-one special alright?”

    They glanced at each other, then back,
    And surmised that there wasn’t much slack
    In his jeans front. Well, hey,
    It had been a slow day;
    They grinned, and all three hit the rack.

  3. Bob Dvorak says:

    A woman was trying to read
    A new recipe Hubby’d decreed.
    “You’d think he would know
    I don’t like working dough,
    And that’s surely not all that I knead.”

  4. Bob Dvorak says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    How to play a new game “Cars at Speed!”
    But a few mere tokes later
    His ac-celerator
    Got stuck, and he Whoopsie!d on Whee!d.

  5. Bob Dvorak says:

    2AM. I just happened to read
    Of St. Patty and Sue Dulley’s need.
    But here in my home,
    I don’t fancy a pome,
    We had corned beef and cabbage, indeed!

  6. Mike Moulton says:

    On Face Book I hurried to read
    these limericks so funny indeed,
    I’ve laughed ’til I cried
    and ached in the side,
    and once in my PJs, I peed.

  7. William Preston says:

    ERROR

    An old fellow was trying to read
    the fine print on a bag of birdseed,
    but the bag was so wrinkled
    and his eyesight so crinkled
    that he used it as yeast to make mead.

  8. The obit that I want them to read
    At my wake is the following screed:
    “Drink a toast to the lad
    Whose last limerick Mad
    Anointed the best of the breed”

  9. Paul Krugman was trying to read
    The Republican budget; but he’d
    Found so many mistakes
    That it gave him the shakes,
    And his eyeballs were starting to bleed.

  10. A farmer was trying to read
    about how to get chickens to breed:
    The book said: “Low light,
    Some white wine, Barry White…
    Really: what more would anyone need?”

  11. Pat Hatt says:

    A woman was trying to read
    On the different ways to breed
    Her husband was lacking
    Or at least slacking
    So she hired out for the deed

  12. Gary Hallock says:

    Clarinetists unable to reed
    What’s written on score may impede
    The concert. They’ll blow it
    But although they know it
    They can’t produce all notes they need

  13. JulesPaige says:

    A two fer, since I missed last week..

    A fellow was trying to read
    His wife had another need
    He let off flipping pages
    foregoing those sages
    And let his wife continue to knead…

    A woman was trying to read
    Of men she had no longer had a need
    Well into into her years
    Into her nineties my dears
    Romance novels, her dreams they did seed

  14. Eugene Fedorov says:

    A user was trying to read
    The license that he has agreed.
    At page forty five
    He got half alive,
    But his legal claim failed to succeed.

  15. brian miller says:

    a fellow was trying to read
    but his wife his shoulder did kneed
    until he relaxed
    and off came the slacks
    to take care of her every need

    oh my, where did that come from…haha…

  16. John Sardo says:

    A woman was trying to read
    The mind of a guy she would need.
    She had to get paid
    If he hoped to get laid
    On the money they hardly agreed.

  17. John Sardo says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    While snacking on junk at light speed.
    His face was so bloated
    With cheeks that were coated.
    The crumbs to a horse he could feed.

  18. Laurie Baker says:

    A woman was trying to read
    How to win friends and maybe succeed
    In finding a buddy
    Carnegie’s book was the study
    Of how easy it was to proceed.

  19. Don says:

    A man was trying to read
    messages from a force unseen
    between the lines
    he was doing fine
    but words could not serve his need

  20. Don says:

    St. Paddy liked to party, even when he was tardy
    he’d tip a few then sing loud and hearty
    with limericks his sham rocks
    so, once a year we all stop
    dance a jig, take a swig, and kiss the blarney

  21. kaykuala says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    A novel to satisfy his need
    He didn’t fancy
    It’s a bit queasy
    Would be happier to just sleep

    Hank

  22. Michelle Hed says:

    A woman was trying to read
    the lord’s blessing and final creed
    but her fellow had plans
    he had wild roaming hands
    she went for a ride on her steed.

  23. Eugene Fedorov says:

    Whenever I’m trying to read
    My limericks, I must concede:
    To make happy Mad
    I have to get mad
    And let all that madness exceed!

  24. In the book she was trying to read
    They were always off Doing the Deed…
    How she wished that the lover
    Adorning the cover
    Would carry her off on his steed!

  25. TRUE HEADLINE, 3/12/13: VATICAN OWNS GAY NIGHT CLUB*

    The Bishop was trying to read
    The words of the Catholic Creed.
    But the words “unum Deum”.
    Came out, “Iam Gayum” –
    A stunning confession indeed.
    ——-

    (*It’s a terrible start for Pope Francis,
    For the press is demanding some ancis…
    Does he get in half-price?
    Is the bartender nice?
    Does he wear his red shoes when he dancis?)

  26. A fellow was trying to read
    All the blogs on his aggregate feed,
    ‘Til he finally shrugged
    And completely unplugged…
    How he savors the time that it’s freed!

  27. My puppy succeeded to read
    The scent of our prey with such speed
    That the hunt was soon through…
    But, pray, what does one do
    With an elephant once it’s been treed?

  28. RJ Clarken says:

    Once, In Coventry

    A woman was trying to read
    whilst riding atop of a steed.
    The town was admonished
    to not look astonished.
    No NEW tax, if they all agreed.

    So the town folk averted their eyes
    and king got the word from his spies:
    “She was reading a book.
    Not one soul took a look!”
    Horseback/hardback…oh what a disguise!

    ###

  29. Eugene Fedorov says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    A message that his girl-friend keyed:
    “To follow u Jack
    I can’t hold it back”
    His answer was simply “Agreed”

  30. Sue Dulley says:

    A student, while trying to read
    In the bathroom (the book was “Candide”)
    Heard “Come play this game
    Testing balance and aim!”
    So he put down his novel and wii’d.

  31. Sue Dulley says:

    … For my friends in Scotland …

    Some trav’lers were trying to read
    A map of the banks of the Tweed.
    The reading went well, so
    They made it to Kelso,
    A bonnie wee town, they agreed.

  32. Sue Dulley says:

    A driver was trying to read
    A sign that said “Do not exceed
    60 mph – tops”
    When along came the cops
    And charged her with excessive speed.

  33. Sue Dulley says:

    Oh Will, talk to Jane – you can read
    Her book that’s about being treed.
    But on second thought
    About el’phants it’s not.
    So that isn’t the book that you need.

  34. a woman was trying to read
    but a fly did her eyesight impede
    it flew back and forth
    until she was forced
    to throw the book at it, indeed

  35. In Herodotus’ writings, one reads
    About Cyrus, who conquered the Medes.
    I can’t tell you the rest
    ‘Til I’m properly dressed
    In my crisp professorial tweeds.

  36. PS –

    (I mentioned Herodotus’ version,
    Though others described the incursion.
    But the tale, sad to say,
    Doesn’t mean much today:
    One man’s Mede is another man’s Persian.)

  37. For years, I’ve been trying to read
    George Eliot’s book “Adam Bede”.
    But I feel like each page
    Adds a year to my age,
    So I find that I always concede.

  38. Ira Bloom says:

    An old Jewish man tried to read,
    The fine print on a property deed.
    “Alter bok!*” teased his boy.
    The old man replied, “Oy,
    Like a loch in the kop,** this I need.”

    *old goat
    **hole in the head

  39. Ira Bloom says:

    A fellow was trying to read,
    On the toilet. While doing the deed,
    His wife shouted: “Hey!
    Will you be there all day?”
    He replied, “Hon, I’ve barely just peed.”

  40. Sue Dulley says:

    A student is trying to read
    A textbook by Margaret Mead
    Which room-mates keep stealing
    Because it’s revealing
    Some Growing Up knowledge they need.

  41. Sue Dulley says:

    A dog owner, trying to read
    About how to get puppies de-flead
    Came across what was written:
    “If you haven’t been bitten.
    Could be, to de-flea there’s no need”.

  42. Sue Dulley says:

    In pubs there’s a sign you can read
    “Young-looking? You will be ID’d”.
    For me it’s too late
    But there’s Seniors’ Rate
    T’ which, ID or none, they’ll accede.

  43. Sue Dulley says:

    A gardener’s trying to read
    The back of a packet of seed.
    For the sake of a rhyme
    Let’s say that it’s thyme
    For glasses she’s starting to need.

  44. Johanna Richmond says:

    Dear Steve, I’m so sorry to read
    You’ve been ill — that’s a pity indeed.
    Wishing speedy relief
    Hope your absence is brief
    Or our lim’rick-off might go to seed!

  45. Sue Dulley says:

    More about the dog owner:

    He decided he further would read.
    “If bites make you itch, scratch and bleed,
    The problem to fix:
    Catch the fleas! Teach them tricks!
    In a circus, they’re sure to succeed”.

  46. Carolyn Henly says:

    A young lady who pledged she would read
    Only songs of a knight chilvalryed,
    was soon found, alas, dead,
    And it turned out she read
    Every ode in the world and ode-eed.

  47. A woman was trying to read,
    Undeterred by a gushing nosebleed.
    With a shiver, she said,
    As the pages turned red,
    “This story is gory, indeed.”

  48. Jesse Levy says:

    A woman was trying to read
    her annoying new Facebook feed
    She went to that page
    and felt all her rage
    It was useless to call them and plead

  49. Edmund Conti says:

    A woman was trying to read
    Of doings at old Runnymede
    A chart, we conclude
    Of great magnitude
    With various rights guaranteed.

  50. Edmund Conti says:

    Oops, that’s Runnymede, not Ganymede, which follows.

    Note from Mad Kane: I fixed it for you.

  51. Edmund Conti says:

    A woman was trying to read
    What she could of the moon, Ganymede.
    It was one of a trio*
    That old Galileo
    Discovered.

    *Oops, one more indeed.

  52. Jesse Levy says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    to be like the golfer, Sam Snead
    But out on the links
    he found his game stinks
    and his clubs were summarily kneed.

  53. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    An old warhorse pun with a Mede.
    It seems, in one version,
    He’s another man’s Persian.
    (Then we gasped and we groaned and we peed.)

  54. Sue Dulley says:

    A toddler pretended to read
    A cookbook. He liked what he seed.
    He teared pictures out
    Until Mom gived a shout:
    “To the Naughty Chair! Now!” So he fleed.

  55. (out-of-competition)

    PRELUDE & FUGUE
    “It’s time,” said the poet in bonhomie,
    “To use what we call ‘heteronymy’:”
    It’s silly! It’s fun!
    And it’s two words in one,
    Which is great in a lousy economy!”

    (– ahem –)

    A printer named Grinter from Reading
    Was reading a book about leading.
    He wanted to read
    About leading his lede
    (That’s the leading bit after the heading).

  56. Edmund Conti says:

    One night I was trying to read
    A note in a small pumpkin seed.
    “I’m a captive,” it said
    Well, that’s what I read.
    The light wasn’t good, I’ll concede.

  57. Edmund Conti says:

    I’m glad from Sue Dulley to read
    That her views from her verse have been freed.
    I’m so happy, tra la,
    But I fear that her bra
    May not be the rhyme word I need.

  58. Sue –

    Some dogs get so used to the scratch
    That they need a sensation to match.
    When the medicine’s done,
    They go off on a run
    To Flea Markets, to get a new batch.

  59. Dear Edmund: I don’t like to carp,
    But our Sue is no dulley — she’s *sharp*!
    Go near her brassiere,
    And the next sound you hear
    Will be seraphim playing the harp!

    :)

  60. Sue Dulley says:

    On conducting 2 repartees at the same time:

    Today I just had to write back
    In two places – it’s hard to keep track.
    This simultaneity
    Requires spontaneity
    In stereo – something I lack.

  61. Sue Dulley says:

    Will, I’m not into dogs, I like cats,
    Though fleas sometimes lurk in their mats.
    But where did I *read*
    That fleas also breed
    On bigger fleas, gnats, bats, and rats?

  62. Sue: It’s not only kitties that purr:
    All warm-blooded creatures with fur
    Who give birth to live babies
    Get fleas… (Wait — that’s *rabies*;
    To your reading I guess I’ll defer).

    I’ll make one exception, and that’s
    That gnats don’t get fleas (or fleas, gnats!).
    But the gnat and the flea
    Love the flavor of Me,
    Though I’m loaded with sugars and fats.

  63. Oops — looks like I included an identity where I wanted a rhyme in that first one. I must be getting tired.

  64. “…In stereo – something I lack.”

    I’ll bet Craig can do it. He’s ambiDykstrous.

  65. A farmer was trying to read
    Of hybrids, a skill he might need.
    “Two plants get together
    But will I know whether
    Each seed will be glad to con-seed?”

  66. yt cai says:

    A driver who never could read
    Got ticket for imprudent speed
    didn’t know what it said
    claimed ignorance abed
    His ride is now only a steed

  67. yt cai says:

    An agent was trying to read
    Rights to a doer of bad deed
    he quoted Miranda
    out on the veranda
    Who cares cause his name is Kalid

  68. yt cai says:

    A diver was trying to read
    A sign at bottom of Lake Mead
    it said “No Phishing
    or Satellite Dishing”
    As power was yet to succeed

  69. yt cai says:

    A beatnik was trying to read
    His poem on how to succeed
    bongos were drumming
    guitars kept strumming
    Snap fingers and wishes will breed

  70. Tim James says:

    In English I struggled to read
    The works of The Venerable Bede.
    His stuff was so dry
    That my colleagues and I
    Went to drink with all possible speed.

  71. yt cai says:

    A miser was trying to read
    A how to for increasing greed
    this hording hobbyist
    hired him a lobbyist
    Now Congress is meeting his need

  72. yt cai says:

    A snorkeler had a blocked reed
    After a shortcut thru some seaweed
    this caused him to surface
    before meeting his purpose
    To last breath he was forced to concede

  73. Sue Dulley says:

    Will T: (going back to yours of 3:12 pm)

    When last I was at a flea market
    I thought that I heard something bark! It
    Must be those dogs
    Come to de-flea the togs.
    (Is this theme getting old? Should we park it?)

  74. Kama Sutra is where you can read
    About limits to passion and greed
    And if you’ve a teeny
    collapsed kundalini
    It’ll soon bring you right up to speed

  75. Edmund Conti says:

    I have both my downs and my ups
    And life has its Nopes and its Yups
    Where I will not go near
    Is a woman’s brassiere
    Or a man’s when I’m into my cups.

  76. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    A bit much into shades that he peed:
    “If it’s cloudy, desist
    From arranging a tryst.
    If it’s clear, dive in and proceed.”

  77. Craig says:

    A fella just now got to read
    All the limericks his will succeed.
    If you think that sounds hollow
    “Succeed” here means ” follow”
    Instead of “to end in the lead.”

  78. Edmund Conti says:

    A woman was trying to read
    Goodnight Moon to a small centipede.
    But the furry wee fellow
    Asked, “Why’s the moon yellow?
    Was it Armstrong or Aldrin who peed?”

  79. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    The works of the Venerable Bede.
    But the reading was taxin’
    Being all Anglo-Saxon.
    Would you pass me some more of that mead?

  80. Edmund Conti says:

    I hope that you readers will read
    All my limericks, soon to succeed
    And unlike our Craig
    Being coyishy vague
    I’ll win this thing, guaran–damn–teed!

  81. > “Is this theme getting old?”

    I tried a few more, but hit bottom
    (don’t ask for details: I forgottom).
    My rhymes were so dismal –
    so TRULY abysmal –
    I took ‘em out back and I shottom.

  82. > “I’ll win this thing”

    Ed’s rhymes have become nonchalant. He
    Is earning the right to be jaunty.
    It’s terribly moving,
    How much he’s improving:
    Of course he can win it. Why Conti?

  83. A woman was trying to read
    About poultry she might like to breed.
    “But Rhode Island red?
    Oh NO!” the gal said.
    “I don’t NEED Commie chickens to feed!

  84. Peter John says:

    A woman was trying to read,
    Seeking words with emotional seed
    To rekindle her passion
    Letting fantasies fashion
    Fifty shades of libidinous need.

  85. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A fellow who thought he could read
    A trilobite fossil decreed:
    “The Ice Agers’ ears
    Were swathed, it appears,
    In something like herringbone tweed.”

  86. Sue Dulley says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    His agenda for this year’s Stampede.
    Is it horses and steers,
    Pancake breakfasts with beers?
    No, it’s those mini-donuts he’ll need.

  87. Sue Dulley says:

    I’m shocked, I just happened to read
    About the ballet “La Sylphide”.
    Sweet “Les Sylphides” it’s not;
    There’s a weird Scottish plot
    In which witches brew up a misdeed.

    Were Shakespeare this story to read
    He’d roll in his grave, guaranteed.
    His crones from “Macbeth”
    have moved on to wreak death
    In a show of a different breed.

  88. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    Jeff Davis was angered to read
    Not so much that the slaves had been freed
    But that Unionists were
    On the To line—O slur!—
    And secessionists only cc’d.

  89. kkkkaty says:

    A woman was trying to read
    when from her necklace sprang a bead
    The exquisite rare pearl
    rolled downhill to a burl
    but then what did it do but proceed!

  90. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    “The Story of O” as he peed.
    But wouldn’t you know
    He had to say Oh!
    As he thrilled and then spilled all his seed.

  91. Diane Groothuis says:

    A woman was trying to read
    Up the method for brewing some mead
    She collected some honey
    Which seemed rather funny
    With the end satisfying the need.

  92. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    Of a man who was trying to breed
    On someone’s behalf
    (and here you can laugh)
    Intercede? Yes indeed. Enter seed.

  93. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    Of a man who could never succeed
    Everything that he ventured
    Just left him indentured
    In doubt and in debt and in deed.

  94. We forgot to teach Phil how to read
    The symbols that all skiers heed;
    We found our poor friend
    Sitting dazed at the end
    Of the Black Diamond trail he’d just skied.

  95. (out-of-competition: short vowel)

    In old Persian legend, I’ve read
    Of Shahrzâd, and the Caliph she wed.
    Shahrzâd, it is sung,
    Used her talented tongue
    To get out of giving him head.

    (The author insists what he writes
    Is suited to family sites:
    It’s not dirty a bit
    If you’re up on your lit,
    And you know your Arabian Nights.)

  96. In the Genesis story we read
    About Onan and Tamar. Pay heed!
    In the middle of bonin’,
    He pulled out, did Onan!
    God smote him for spilling his seed.

    Poor Tamar. Her first husband, Er,
    Also didn’t want children with her.
    (So bad was God’s smiting
    That even in writing
    Er’s story’s is barely a blur).

    Then Tamar got mad. Who could blame her?
    For her father-in-law tried to shame her.
    So she tricked him instead
    Into sharing her bed…
    It’s a dangerous job: *lie on Tamar*.

  97. Sue Dulley says:

    Will, since we can’t Like you on facebook,
    Like
    Like like
    Like like like

  98. Carolyn Henly says:

    A young beekeeper essayed to read
    How to capture a queen who’s been treed.
    He claimed that the swarm
    Wouldn’t do him great harm,
    But soon he was venerably bee-d.

  99. John Larkin says:

    A woman was trying to read
    a book on which others agreed.
    But the plotting was lame
    so she wasn’t to blame
    when she said, “From this group I secede.”

  100. Sue Dulley says:

    She sat on her Poang to read
    A catalog fuelling her greed.
    Though assembly’s required
    She never gets tired
    Of furniture sold by a Swede.

  101. Sue Dulley says:

    In a joke I once happened to read,
    Descartes and a friend drank some mead.
    Said the friend: “One more, eh?”
    “I think not” said Rene,
    Then vanished with infinite speed.

  102. Diane Groothuis says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    But his eyesight was way poor indeed
    He went to a clock shop
    Cos the sign looked like knock shop
    And the owner said “Time out I plead”.

  103. no limerick today cause my eyes have gone to seed
    thanks Mad…

  104. Fun whirl for bibliophiles! Thanks, Mad Kane!

    Here’s mine:

    Doing the NaPoWriMo and A to Z Shuffle

  105. Debra Ramage says:

    A woman was trying to read
    A pamphlet that told how to breed
    Little chickens and ducks
    She said: this just sucks
    And went out to ride horses in-steed.

  106. Tim James says:

    A woman was saddened to read
    A note from her guy which decreed
    Though in Stockholm they’d met,
    They were finished. I’d bet
    At this parting the sorrow was Swede.

  107. Zelick Mendelovich says:

    The Lorax said: hay! 21.03.2013

    A fellow was trying to read
    While thatching his roof with wild reed
    But the Lorax said: hay!
    Put that old book away!
    Cause today hay’s the reed we all s’need

  108. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    What he thought was The Apostles’ Creed
    But it wasn’t a credo
    That was written on Playdough
    Just a five-year-old spoiled brat’s screed.

  109. Mark Kane says:

    In poker you’re trying to read
    The faces and weed thru the greed.
    When you get the right card,
    Of course you bet hard,
    Otherwise it’s just best to concede.

  110. Sima Carri says:

    A woman was trying to read
    Instructions for planting a seed.
    The words were so small,
    She started to bawl,
    “Please tell if it’s wheat or a weed”.

  111. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    Of how best to get Fido deflea’d
    The best way: Say “Please,
    Will you leave?” to the fleas
    And “Thank you” to all that pay heed.

  112. Sue DUlley says:

    A music buff’s trying to read
    The orchestra list at “Das Lied
    Von der Erde” by Mahler;
    She’s paying top dollar
    To see it live, not DVD’d.

  113. Charley Simmons says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    While driving his car at high speed
    Didn’t see the road block
    So, it was quite a shock
    When he flew off the road and was treed.

  114. Dr. Goose says:

    A woman was trying to read
    A fatwa by Imam Walid,
    Which issued a curse
    On limerick verse:
    “It’s immoral,” the Imam decreed.

  115. Dr. Goose says:

    A woman was trying to read
    A novel her friends all agreed
    Explored all the shades
    Of sex escapades,
    Except those intended to breed.

  116. Dr. Goose says:

    A woman was trying to read
    A story of envy and greed,
    And gluttony, sloth,
    The pride and the wroth,
    And lust (that’s the 7th misdeed).

  117. Dr. Goose says:

    The woman was trying to read
    The way to the green as she teed:
    “I don’t mind the lie
    Of these fairways by Dye,
    But prefer the designs of Sam Snead.”

  118. Dr. Goose says:

    The woman was trying to read
    The mind of her boss, Mr. Fried.
    (If you’d rather avoid
    To become unemployed,
    It’s a skill that you gen’rally need.)

  119. Dr. Goose says:

    A woman was trying to read
    The stocks that may lag or may lead.
    Said she: “I don’t care
    For the bull or the bear,
    As long as I’m in the stampede.”

  120. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    My friend Buddy had started to read
    That new book, How to Grow Your Own Weed,
    But his dealer found out,
    And then said with a shout,
    “I will never let Bud go to seed!”

  121. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A justice, on starting to read
    Oath of office to one dressed in tweed,
    Got ahead of the game
    (Smelling scandal and shame)
    And asked him, “Boss, how do you plead?”

  122. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A fellow each day longed to read
    An adulteress’s latest misdeed.
    That heroine’s art
    Drove a dart in his heart
    When his wife had her journal rekeyed.

  123. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A fellow who’s trying to read
    His birthday cake doesn’t succeed,
    But comes off as well read,
    More lettered, well bred,
    With a face that’s mustached and goateed.

  124. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A cop, getting stoned, tries to read
    The riot act high on his steed:
    “The street concert’s off!
    Leave the area! [cough]
    And surrender the rest of your weed!”

  125. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A doctor was trying to read
    The results of a drug test for weed:
    “No trace of dope here.
    His instructions were clear?
    ‘Cuz, golly bejeez, can he breed!”

  126. Sue Dulley says:

    I would like to know how to put some words in italics, as Konrad S did about 5 limericks up from here. Copy-and-paste from email doesn’t seem to work. Anyone?

  127. Johanna Richmond says:

    I will now trepidatiously read
    Your verse though it makes my heart bleed.
    I’m sure, more and more, kids,
    Your poems bloom like orchids –
    Mine belch up like dandelion weed.

  128. Susan Settje says:

    The woman was trying to read
    The stick on which she had peed.
    As the plus sign appears
    It draws laughter and cheers
    And a kiss from the man she has wed.

  129. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    an old joke …
    A fellow was troubled to read
    A message in snow that was peed:
    “The style is my friend’s
    And we can’t make amends
    ‘Cuz the hand is my wife’s!” he decreed.

  130. Sue Dulley says:

    Another test

  131. Dr. Goose says:

    @DrGooseEcon: A woman was trying to read
    If deposits were still guaranteed
    If her bank would consign
    To Frankfurt am Main
    Or Cyprus would have to secede.

  132. nelderini says:

    A woman was trying to read
    The number of caplets she’d need
    To clear her congestion
    “‘How bany?’s da question
    To stob wit da cough an’ da sneed!”

  133. Veralynne says:

    As the lady made efforts to read,
    Miss Prissy, her cat, would just knead
    Her arm and her knee
    It was distracting, you see!
    The cat didn’t hear her lady plead!

  134. nelderini says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    And gradually increase his speed
    He hoped that he could
    Do as Evelyn would
    But dyslexic, he didn’t succeed.

  135. nelderini says:

    A fellow was trying to read
    A tale of infinite greed
    But Too Big to Fail
    Just made him go pale
    So back to the fiction he flee’d

  136. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winners, the Limerick Saga Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners! Limerick of the Week 106

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Bold Limerick