Bold Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And since the calendar claims that spring has begun, I’m offering you an alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to spring, using any first line. Next week I’ll present an extra award — one for the best spring-related limerick.
And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge: I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A gal who was terribly bold…*
or
A man who was terribly bold…*
or
A woman who frequently bowled…*
or
A fellow who frequently bowled…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Bold Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A gal who was terribly bold
Phoned her mate, who would soon be paroled:
“I discovered I’m gay
While you were away,
So our sex life’s remaining on hold.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Battle of the Sexes, Bawdy Humor, Bowling Humor, Competition Limerick, Gay Humor, Jail & Prison Humor, Legal Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Sex Humor, Writing Prompts
Here is my bold offering complete with a picture (safe for work though suggestive) sure to make the straight ladies and gay gents happy!
A girl who was terribly bold
Did favours for pieces of gold.
She had a list of the guys
Tattooed on her thighs.
Or so I’m reliably told.
A woman was terribly bold
Catching looks on the street as she strolled.
She made some eyes pop
In a skimpy crop-top
With her jeans hanging low and be-holed.
Jim’s breakfast was carelessly bowled
Since cereal bag didn’t unfold
a shocking scenario
as grain said cheerio
His oats are now perfectly rolled
A man with a BlackBerry Bold
Has left his device uncontrolled.
A boy on his own
Has found this smartphone
And dropped down the market of gold.
A gal who was terribly bold
Didn`t read below the fold
Instead she ran
Like a flash in the pan
Ending up with fools gold
A gal who was terribly bold
Went skating on a night very cold
She worked up a sweat
Removed clothes on a bet
Skated naked – what a sight to behold.
A man who was terribly bold
On a corner a weed he sold
A cop came along
Said you don’t belong
But light up and we’ll both be consoled.
He needed to show himself bold,
To this vixen, a sight to behold.
But she teased and held back,
So he took a new tack,
Leaving her as the one who controlled.
A man who was terribly bold
Grew some meds out of icky old mold
Now sick folks are chillin’
‘Cuz they got penicillin,
The clap is no worse than a cold!
The analyst’s forecast, quite bold,
A hundred-fold increase foretold
In careless decisions,
With head-on collisions
Increasing accordion-fold.
A woman was secretly bold
Afraid that her boyfriend would scold
If he found she had read
“Fifty Shades” while in bed,
Plus other tales best left untold.
A lamb who was terribly bold
Refused to be lost in the fold,
So he made his own way
Where the coyotes do play.
And now, he will never grow old.
A man who was terribly bold
Bet his home and his wife twenty fold.
I’m homeless he said,
Lost my bride and my bed
But somehow I don’t feel old.
Oh, Spring it has sprung or has sprang
The birdies have sung or they sang
It’s one silly season
Which must be the reason
I can’t finish off this darn thang.
Spring is sprung, can the snow now please vanish
And sunshine our discontent banish?
As of now it makes sense
To get ourselves hence
Somewhere warm where the people speak Spanish.
A gal who was terribly bold
Hooked a ‘pal’ quite incredibly old;
She had to work fast,
For he wouldn’t last,
And soon all his stuff would be sold.
A gal who was terribly bold
In the hay with all comers had rolled;
But those with the brass
All wanted more class,
And she was left out in the cold.
A man who was terribly bold
Started fights just to watch them unfold.
But his daughter and wife,
Serving 20 to life,
Planned revenge when his mom got paroled.
The maiden was terribly bold
She was aching to have and to hold
What her card-playing lover
Should have kept under cover
For it’s better to raise than to fold
A man who was terribly bold
Decided to smoke an Old Gold.
He did and he died.
You think that I lied?
Oh no, he was terribly old.
It seems that the equinox vernal ploy
Was a puzzle and more to Miss Myrna Loy.
When she asked the Thin Man, Sir,
Pray tell me the answer.
He answered, More gin, my Eternal Joy.
A man who was terribly bold
Hung up when he heard he should hold.
Now how is he faring
That man brave and daring?
Evicted and out in the cold.
Our mother was frugally bold
Serving yesterday’s roast again, cold.
She told us “It’s meet
That this meat we will eat
‘Til it’s gone, or until it grows mold.”
I hear that we may write a spring song.
A serious one and not sing song.
With flowers and trees
And a gentle warm breeze.
I tried but I got this damn thing wrong.
A man who was not thought as bold
Wrote a spring song (he does what he’s told).
All he got were some sighs.
Oh, some eyebrows did rise.
And the eyes? OK, all of them rolled.
A man who was clever and bold
Posted stuff other men might withhold
But he knew he could write
His best verse on a night
When his impulses weren’t so controlled.
A gal who was terribly bold
put all his dreams on hold
every once and a while
spread them out on the tiles
& marked them, sorted and sold
I think this ocean-bridging masterpiece :) and the second of my first pair should stand:
A cricketer frequently bowled,
But was, by all umpires, told
His style was disgraceful,
So now he plays baseball –
As pitcher, he’s seen centre-fold!
A lass who was terribly bold
Showed her assets for all to behold
The people did stare
Cos her backside was bare
And all that she got was a cold.
Rip Van Winkle who frequently bowled
Fell asleep as the story is told
20 years he would snore
as he rolled up a score
And let his striking grey beard unfold
A man who was terribly bold
With his friends he often cajoled
at club caused an outrage
when he got up on stage
Until bouncer made him un-poled
Hey Madeleine!
A broker who’d once been quite bold
put all calls from his clients on hold–
his suitcases packed,
he pulled out the jack–
for when they told him buy, he had sold.
So alright, maybe this one is bold,
But I’m sure that my last one was gold.
Tell me, what’s not to like
‘Bout Provocateur Mike
And his kin (currently prison-rolled)?
JG got me thinking…
Macbeth, though ambitious, was bold;
Prince Hamlet did little but scold;
And what, by my oath,
Does it matter? They both
Ended up six feet under and cold.
As metaphors go, this one’s bold,
But it’s time, guys, our story is told.
You want your gal peaking?
Hold off headline seeking —
The best news is under the fold.
A skydiver ever so bold
Jumped out of a plane o’er the wold
And he let out a cry
As he fell from the sky
“My parachute has not unrolled”
The birds in the trees start to sing
With a gay and a musical ring
The flowers are blooming
Bright sunshine is looming
I guess you can say it is Spring.
One of each:
Hot and Cold
A woman who frequently bowled
made sure that everyone was told
she would give her all
to a man brave and tall
but only after her ball was rolled
He Lied: A Limerick on Spring
Took a gaze out my window’s pane
expecting to see Spring rain
instead there was snow
enough to cover my big toe
if this keeps up, I’m opening a vein
A Limerick Two-fer
a man who was terribly bold
ended up catching the mold
as hard as he scrubbed
while in the tub
it continued to keep a firm hold.
A gal who was terribly bold
Fought her battles in armor, we’re told.
Joan of Arc was her name
And she ended in flame
But at least she’d not suffered from cold.
Since the crocus, in colors so bold,
And narcissus, bright yellow and gold,
Deck the garden this spring
In its usual bling,
Tell me: WHY IS IT SO F***ING COLD?!
Spring started a few days ago
For those who don’t live Down Below.
So remember, you all,
In New Zealand it’s Fall
Now it’s their turn for six months of snow.
A couple well known to be bold,
Decided a party to hold.
The theme: “Rock Of Ages”
(That movie’s outrageous!) –
That evening some rocked, some just rolled.
It’s Spring! Time for clothing more bold
While each 13-to-15-year-old
Will do up all their snaps
And put on woolly caps –
It’s not cool to dress warm when it’s cold.
A man who was terribly bold
Rolled nine strikes in a row I’ve been told.
He leaped in the air,
With arrogant flair,
Racked his balls, now his game is on hold.
A girl who was terribly bold
told her fiance he was too old.
For when performing,
it was not according
to Viagra’s prescription as sold!
A woman who frequently bowled
swung her big hips widely as she strolled,
which gave her the curve
needed to make the ball swerve;
No wonder all ten pins flipped and rolled
A man who was terribly bold
sent his wife to an asylum cold
Able to break the lock,
she sold all his stock
From the on she had all the control
On March 25th I awoke
To the sixth day of “spring.” (That’s a joke.)
‘Stead of winter retreating,
Buds blooming, birds tweeting,
Three inches of snow! Spring is broke!
A wife who was vindictive and bold
Fed hubby chicken that was weeks old
by making it cajun
the flavor was ragin’
Ten minutes later it was toilet bowled
When the sun up there is at zenith
O’er the equator then what does it meaneth?
Well, the tilt of the axis
Means it’s time for your taxes
And the earth, like a woman, in-leaneth.
A woman, not timid or bold,
In a class for Hot Yoga enrolled.
You could see at a glance
Through her new Lulu pants
So she switched to the normal kind (cold).
There are mysteries. One of the oldest:
Why does “Spring” start when winter is coldest?
Also – “Limerick-off Monday”
Begins first thing Sunday???
No one else asked? I must be the boldest.
Full moon out there! shiny and bold
Like the sun but not hot; icy cold.
I’m Moonstruck tonight
By this heavenly sight
That got Nick Cage and Cher uncontrolled.
A man who was terribly bold
Decided his shoes should be soled
But he wasn’t well-heeled
(does the reader now yield?)
Yes, they had to be sold, so it’s told.
Young evangelist trying to be bold
When he’d just stepped out of the fold
Said “Maa’m I’m on a mission
This is my position”
“I’m married” he curtly was told.
PRINTER’S DEVIL
(A typographical soap opera)
There once was a Courier Bold
Who was, at Times, Roamin’, I’m told;
For he had that Type Face
That led gals to disgrace,
And his Serifs? A joy to behold.
At the end of the line, smooth as talcum,
He’d find Widows and Orphans, and stalcum.
Then he’d woo them a while
In a Goudy Old Style,
‘Til at home he was no longer walcum.
His wife Arial, sick with frustration,
Was burning with humiliation.
“I’ll Gill him!” she cried,
And went flush on each side
(For she knew she had Justification).
Her husband soon learned to beware her,
And went all italic in terror.
Claimed he, “What you’ve heard
Is completely absurd:
It’s a mere typographical error!”
But his wife cried, “Too late! I don’t care if
You deny it, or call for the sheriff!”
Her fury still burning,
She tightened his kerning…
(Her husband is now a Sans-Serif).
Well, Will, I can’t Like these here, but they are not unappreciated.
A man who was terribly bold
Decided there’s money in mold
He made a big killin’
(Black marker penicillin)
Now wither that zither of old?
Will’s poem isn’t written in Bold
Or italics or script that looks old,
But I must underline
That his work is so fine
That “We Like it” he needs to be told.
perfect for today… give us rights as humans thank you
Mephistopheles, ever so bold,
A Droid in his service enrolled.
It amazes me — not
That a soul has been bought,
But the thought that a ‘Bot has been souled.
A pervert believed he was bold,
As the Internet chat-rooms he trolled…
All the while unaware
Every “little girl” there
Was a man over fifty years old.
A bell-ringer, lusty and bold,
Wished a lass in his arms to enfold…
But a bell made of brass
Fell and flattened his ass:
Said the girl, “Now his tail has been tolled!”
THE BALLAD OF BAD BILLY BULDER
Bill Bulder the Bad was a bold
Brutish brigand in Holland of old.
He’d rob and he’d pillage
From village to village…
Of Billy, this story is told:
In Leyden, the Boat-Builders Guild
Was extremely accomplished and skilled.
To bank all their guilders,
Those busy Boat-Builders
Decided a storehouse to build.
When told of their gold — and no wonder! —
Bill Bulder the Builders did plunder.
He broke out of hidin’
And lit out for Leyden…
But then made a terrible blunder.
For when he broke in, and he filled
His pockets with gold from the Guild,
His pants were too small
To have room for it all,
And out of his trousers it spilled.
The Guildsmen ran off at full tilt,
And followed the guilders Bill’d spilt
To where he was holed up
A-piling his gold up —
The gilt told the Guildsmen his guilt.
This galled the good Guild. Willy-nilly,
They boldly de-balled bully Billy.
When he saw he’d been gelded,
Bill faltered and fèll dead.
The moral is… (Oh, don’t be silly!
The words whirl around and around,
But no meaning will ever be found.
It’s a verse for Mad Kane, meant
As pure entertainment:
I did this one just for the sound.)
Pure gold, Will T.
There once was a poet named Will T.
Whose limericks never were Fill T.
His rhymes and his tales
Flew right off the scales –
If I dared to compete, Id feel gill T.
I had so much fun reading these!
tours de force, will t … bravo!
Thanks, Jamie; though…
Compared to Mad Kane or Craig Dykstra
I’m a toddler riding his trykstra.
Of course, you and Sue
are fine lim’ricists, too,
And if I were on Facebook, I’d lykstra.
> “Whose limericks never were Fill T.”
Well, Sue… when I pull out the stops,
My standard of decency drops.
But if I were to post ’em,
The web sites that host ’em
Would soon be shut down by the cops.
Perhaps, Will, it’s ex-aggeration
And certainly extrapolation
To say yours are ‘never’
Offensive – whatever –
Let’s say there’s no queasy sensation.
I’m glad my Mother was bold
Even tho at times she would scold
For I grew up to be cheeky
And a little bit freaky,
That’s a legacy I need to uphold!
A woman who frequently bowled,
Got frostbitten fingers—that’s cold.
Said, “I ain’t defeated:
My toes were well heated!”
And boldly with her tootsies rolled.
A man who was terribly bold
put all of his money in gold.
But when all strife did cease
and the world was at peace,
the plunge left our man in the cold.
The woman who frequently bowled
In the magazine ads of old,
In her Maidenform Bra,
Made the guys ooh and aah.
I bet she was brazen and bold.
A fellow who frequently bowled
Used bocce balls, I was told
For duck pins at the alley
Most ended up in the valley –
Side lanes, so his scores, they weren’t that bold!
Spring flutters in, fabulous flirt,
Flicks winter’s last snows from her skirt.
Released from storm’s prison,
Our garden hopes risen,
We neighbors are sharing the dirt.
WAITING FOR SCOTUS
Sure, DOMA’s defenders are bold:
Straight marriage’s doom they’ve foretold!
And yet it’s been posited
That many are closeted —
Their conscience for power they’ve sold.
Nonetheless, it must make them feel bitter
When they’re lectured by “Diaper Dave” Vitter,
Or when naughty Newt Gingrich
Makes statements that ring rich
With claims that HIS marriage is fitter.
When a Congressman mourns for the sanctity
Of marriage, on this you can bànk: that he
Has a mistress or lover
he keeps under cover
With whom he’s had hanctity-panctity.
(For this last verse, I’m gonna get spanctity.)
A man was terribly bold,
found his waist coat had frayed at the fold.
He discovered a draft,
in his fore and his aft.
So, he sheepishly tucked in his rolls.
…Okay, so it’s weak…
You could call Iginla’s move bold
From hot Flame to a bird that loves cold
But it’s not like the day
Gretzky moved to L.A.
When it seemed like a soul had been sold.
Very funny limericks!
A froggy exceedingly bold
On a lily – pad out in the cold
Said “Knee – deep and croak
I think I will choke
Being green is quite hard to uphold”
A limerick temptress so bold
Her poetic banner unrolled
And proceeded to chime
“I speak better in rhyme”
And I’m glad on my genre you’re sold”.
A gal who was terribly bold
Was seen riding out in the cold
With pants like a cape
Tied around her nape
And underwear painted bright gold.
She scooted around the city
Proudly drying her pants for free
Jaws dropped and eyes popped
But she was not stopped –
‘Wonder Woman’ too must do laundry.
King Midas was ever so bold
As to ask for the pow’r to make gold.
Though he should’na oughter
He transformed his daughter
And now finds his wife very cold.
A gal who was terribly bold
Said: “The whole world is there to behold!
So I’m off, if you please,
To travel the seas
Before I return to the fold.”
A gal who was terribly bold
Rejected the virtues extolled
On tablets of stone
And parables shown
In the Testaments, both New and Old.
A gal who was terribly bold
Declared she could not be controlled,
And what’s more, her Mum
Could not keep her from
Her beau,who had just been paroled.
A gal who was terribly bold
Promoted investments in gold,
And disparaged the views
Of stockpickers whose
Opinions she gleefully trolled.
A gal who was terribly bold
Came down with a terrible cold,
And remarked to the nurse:
“If it gets any worse,
Use the remedy made out of mold.”
A gal who was terribly bold
Had tax shelters she wanted rolled.
Her accountant advised:
“I should not be surprised
If the IRS tries to withhold.”
This week Ms. Kane has set the rhyme word: bold.
I must admit this left me high and dry.
My lim’rick muse forsook me, truth be told,
A sonnet, then, is what I’m going to try.
“But wait!” I hear you say. “You can’t do that!
This contest isn’t called a Sonnet-Off!”
Although I have no wish to cause a spat,
At such a cavil I politely scoff.
If Shakespeare knew the lim’rick form back then
He’d write up naughty verses night and day.
No rules of style or form would stop his pen,
So wherefore with the sonnet can’t I play?
Alas, I’m not as gifted as the Bard.
I fear I’m hoist upon my own petard.
*****
My attitude wasn’t too bold
When my limerick mojo went cold.
But my muse is a joker
(I really could choke her).
How firmly she has me controlled!
Tim James
Is more inspired than he claims.
Say, Tim, that’s a wonderful sonnet; but can you write a clerihew?
I derihew.
To write a verse at all, you must be bold.
Forget about the rules, and just begin —
Write out your heart, and tell the world: behold!
Although the limerick’s the verse extolled
By Mad, and the competitors herein,
To write a verse at all, you must be bold;
So who am I (or anyone) to scold?
To write your inspiration is no sin.
Write out your heart, and tell the world: behold!
And likewise, always doing what you’re told
The versifier’s way has never been.
To write a verse at all, you must be bold.
Thus, even if your inspiration’s cold,
Your gait flatfooted, or your ear of tin,
Write out your heart, and tell the world: behold!
True poetry will not be pigeonholed,
So go ahead…
… … … Just don’t expect to win.
To write a verse at all, you must be bold:
Write out your heart, and tell the world: behold!
Ooh. It just occurred to me that stanza 5 of my last one might seem rude if anybody thought it was addressed to them — ‘specially Tim, of whom I am in awe. It isn’t. Sorry.
A gal who was terribly bold
Thought the market was too oversold:
“According to Graham,
Whose disciple I am,
It’s the right time to buy and to hold.”
A gal who was terribly bold
Wore a mini e’en when it was cold
If her father could know
She was sportin’ some toe
She’d be grounded, but that’s how she rolled.
A gal who was terribly bold
Held a grudge that was 20 years old
A rude photo her ex took
She posted on Facebook
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
THE BOLD BOY
A boy who was terribly bold,
although he was not at all old,
complained on the price
on offered fruit ice.
He said: Please do not make me cold!
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to our Limerick of the Week winner, the Spring-Themed Limerick Award Winner, the Limerick Saga Award Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners!
Limerick of the Week 107
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Ill-Bred Limerick