Posts Tagged ‘Suzanne Heymann’

Limerick-Off Award (452)

Saturday, September 12th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A dude tried to show he had brass
When he mounted a burro. Alas!
He displayed ev’ry sign
That he’d had too much wine.
He fell down. He was drunk off his ass.

Congratulations to RICHARD CAMPBELL, who wins the Special DRIVING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Just keep driving like one of the crazies
In a movie of Martin Scorsese’s.
Excess speeding and drinking?
Bad business, I’m thinking.
Next parking spot? Under the daisies.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Mike Shulman, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Paul Haebig, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WINE/WHINE” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

A hiccup if muted is fine,
A belch you don’t hear is benign,
But let’s speak the truth,
A fart’s like vermouth–
An odorous, fortified whine.

Brian Allgar:

A warning to drinkers: red wine
Could blacken your toenails, like mine.
A whole case of Bordeaux
Got dropped on my toe!
(It was Chateau Margaux ’89.)

Jean McEwen:

Snobbish oenophiles tend to malign
Two Buck Chuck as inferior wine.
But I must disagree
’Cause it’s cheap, and to me
It’s as good as the ones they call “fine.”

Lisi Nortman:

My life has been working out fine.
My job is just simply divine.
The boss is real nice;
Always gives good advice.
It’s eight hours a day, nine to wine.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Are mere worker ants creatures divine?
Here’s one antic observed that’s a sign:
Back and forth they will traipse
Over vines to haul grapes
So both soldiers and queens can have wine.

Paul Haebig:

The tourist in Frankfurt am Main
said “Neun” when he should have said “Nein.”
So a half hour later
The puzzled young waiter
Returned with nine bottles of wine.

Tony Holmes:

“What to pair? That’s the beauty of wine;
An adventure whenever you dine.
I found hotdogs today,
So I thought, ‘Beaujolais!’”
“Hic! I’d rather have claret with mine.”

Bob Turvey:

When Policewoman Smith came to town,
To arrest handsome barrister Brown,
He took her to dine;
He plied her with wine;
Then he finally laid the law down.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRIVING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

She used her sat-nav every day;
Each instruction she’d blindly obey.
But her drive was ill-fated;
The map was outdated –
The bridge had been taken away.

Tim James:

My son does one-ten on the flats.
He runs red lights and stop signs. His stats:
Seven tickets, two wrecks.
It’s had major effects:
Care to guess where he’s driving me? Bats.

Lisi Nortman says:

The Ferrari is driven with force.
It’s a car that most experts endorse.
Yet sometimes I ponder
The “great wild blue yonder”
And wonder what’s wrong with a horse.

Dave Johnson:

Our hazardous mission today
Might be a good reason to pray.
We’ll struggle and strive
With the will to survive
That freeway that runs through L.A.

Suzanne Heymann:

When some guy in a fast Lamborghini
Flirts with gals when they wear a bikini
And their eyes see the prize,
He just compensates (tries)
For the little wee size of his weenie.

Steve Benko:

Said Miss Daisy, “Let’s go somewhere, Hoke;
Take the wheel, for with me, we would croak.
When we get to the woods,
You’ll deliver the goods;
In the back come and give me a poke.”

Tim James:

From the back, as the dad drives the car,
Comes the whine: “Are we there yet? How far?”
Little Lisa screams: “See?
Tommy’s LOOKING AT ME!”
Says the mom: “Can we stop at that bar?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (451)

Saturday, August 29th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I had chiggers. They started to bite
As they burrowed down deep, out of sight.
From my ankles to belt
I was one giant welt.
Was it itchy? Perhaps just a mite.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special CHILDREN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

We are now on the way to Madrid;
Packed the sippy cups, each with a lid.
And the Bouncy Chair, swing,
“Sleep-Time Cuddlies” that sing…
But we seem to have misplaced the kid.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, and Wayne Feder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIGHT or SITE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

The director called, “Wrap!” for the night.
Then discovered the scene wasn’t right.
We all groaned. We were dead.
He took pity and said,
“Get some sleep, then we’ll shoot it on site.”

Suzanne Heymann:

Chocolate cake is a heavenly sight,
And with me, always love at first bite.
But the calorie hounds
Say I’ve gone out of bounds,
As I’ve gained seven pounds overnight.

Brian Allgar:

They adored him, it couldn’t be clearer;
All those fans, not one mocker or sneerer!
Donald grinned with delight;
The line stretched out of sight
In his perfect infinity mirror.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

His advice was the fatherly kind:
“Son, don’t marry the first girl you find.
For when love at first sight
Starts to fade overnight,
In the end it goes legally blind.”

Tim James:

Said a fellow whose future looked bright
When he bought a car showroom one night:
“Selling Edsels, I know,
Will bring decades of dough!”
Now a Burger King stands on the site.

Kirk Miller:

The baboon met one night on a date
The gorilla his dreams. It was great!
He went ape at her sight
’Cause he knew that she might
Be the one he would call his prime mate.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

He sobbed with a pain so exquisite,
That the Martian Mom said, “Son, what is it?”
“On the Beamer last night
From Earth’s Lunatic Site —
The Trumps said they’re coming to visit!”

Dave Johnson:

He went to a strip club that night;
Some fantasies yearning for flight.
Then down by the front,
Putting cash in the hunt;
With hind his preferred kind of sight.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“All you fireworks people will pay!”
Bellowed Trump at the end of the day.
“My great name — what a sight! —
In the heavens at night.
So, which dumbass forgot ‘Donald J’?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHILDREN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

“Little children?” said W. C.
“Quite delightful, if you’re asking me.
But they must be well-cooked –
This can’t be overlooked;
And, on average, my limit is three.”

Jean McEwen:

You may think me a bitter old crone,
But my views about kids are well known:
From the poop to the croup
And through every age group,
I can’t stand them till after they’re grown.

Wayne Feder:

Remember, while home on this break,
That children are easy to make.
So it’s wise to go slow;
Or to even forgo.
Quite often they’re made by mistake.

Dave Johnson:

We’re stuck with a child who’s a brat;
He’s constantly stoking a spat.
One day we’ll be rid
Of this horrible kid;
And thanking Joe Biden for that.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (450)

Saturday, August 15th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Grandma’s cottage was perched on a slope,
Where the weeds were way wild beyond hope.
There, a Big Bad old hound
Wolfing sweets by the pound,
Giggled, “Grandma, your brownies are dope!”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special LOVE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

There once was a lover named Victor
Who said to a gal as he licked ’er:
“I’ll know I’ve done right
If your quake of delight
Scores an eight on the measure called Richter.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Wayne Feder, Larz, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “DOPE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO LOVE LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

A homophobe just couldn’t cope.
He said, “Marriage equality? Nope!
Wedlock’s just,” he’d aver,
“For a him and a her.”
There you have it, my friends: the straight dope.

“It’s ‘the love that dare not speak its name.’
Those who sin are condemned to the flame!”
Is that brimstone I smell?
It’s our version of hell
That the whole GOP thinks the same.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DOPE” RHYME DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Tell me, how can you be such a dope
As to think you could vulgarly grope
The ass of that lass
And be given a pass
When you heard her distinctly say “nope!”?

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The cops said, “This guy was a dope.”
(Told reporters, “He just couldn’t cope.”)
“He was takin’ a shower,
Then started to cower,
Got strangled with ‘soap on a rope.'”

Tim James:

An artist, a pompous old dope,
To bright colors has firmly said nope.
He’s a bore to his core,
And his work is a snore.
His new painting: “A Study in Taupe.”

Wayne Feder:

I won’t say that I’ve given up hope,
Or I’m numb and can no longer cope.
But till Trump goes away,
I’m planning to stay
In a cave with my kilo of dope.

Larz:

My wife bathes in bubbles of soap.
She’ll soon be quite frisky, I hope.
I’m waiting in bed —
She shakes me instead.
Said, “Oh, wake up! You’re dreaming, you dope!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LOVE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

He knew it was love at first sight;
A vision so perfect and right.
And what would inspire
Such unchecked desire?
Trump’s mirror – his source of delight.

Tony Holmes:

In that first flush, love smiles at your quirks;
Later on, still indulgent, it smirks;
But the end is in sight
When the quirks start to bite,
As the dopamine no longer works.

Wayne Feder:

The girl told her friend in disgust,
“It’s hard to find men you can trust.
Not heeding Mom’s warning,
I learned the next morning
That love’s not the same thing as lust.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

It is better to love and be blue
Than to never have loved… Oh so true.
Though I’ve paraphrased badly,
I make this point gladly,
As long as it’s me dumping you.

Tim James:

She’s in love, with her eyes full of stars;
He’s obsessed with his beer and fast cars
And the sports that he sees
On his wide-screen TVs.
That all fits, because men are from Mars.

Suzanne Heymann:

Friendship’s better; love’s just a creation
That leads to eternal damnation.
Romance is a word
That too often is heard
As a highly absurd expectation.

Friends don’t need you to be good in bed
Or to please them or make sure they’re fed.
You can fart and be broke,
Be too fat, drink and smoke
Yet stay friends till you choke or drop dead.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (449)

Saturday, August 1st, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Its stores were all closed in the fall.
Outside, not one occupied stall.
They’ll auction away
The whole complex today;
Which proves that you CAN win a mall.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special NAG-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If I prod you to zig when you zag,
Or try spurring you on when you lag,
You just snort like a horse.
So I’m puzzled, of course,
As to which one of us is the nag.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

Though her husband’s been dead since September
And it’s now two weeks into December,
Mrs. D. finds no peace,
No surcease, no release
From the words she will always remember:

“Humpty dear,” she had nagged, “I’ll be bound,
You are getting entirely too round.
Just watching you dress
Is a source of distress:
You’ve outgrown all your clothing!” she’d frowned —

But he’d smiled! “Dear, don’t worry at all;
I’ll just buy some new clothes at the mall.
Have you seen their new ad?
‘Come on down — you’ll be glad —
Buy our specials and Have a Great Fall!'”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Peter Sheil, Jean McEwen, Suzanne Heymann, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MALL/MAUL” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said the globetrotter, “I’ve seen it all —
Machu Picchu! The grand Taj Mahal!
But the best sight I’ve seen?
Back in two aught nineteen:
An old ghost town some folks called ‘The Mall.’”

Tim James:

At Home Depot I purchased a maul
Since I’ll need to split wood in the fall.
It’s a sharp, nasty tool.
There’s no risk, though; it’s cool.
It turns out I can’t lift it at all.

Peter Sheil:

For the seasonal sale in the fall
An American goes to the mall,
While his young British pal
Goes to shop in the mall—
Though in truth there’s no difference at all.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’m sure to stay busy through fall,
Since I’m summoned by poetry’s call.
Loads of odes still to mangle,
Then torture and strangle,
Plus lim’ricks galore I can maul!

Jean McEwen:

When I wander around in the mall,
I will oft hear that clarion call:
“Come buy it! You need it!”
I try not to heed it,
Yet always head home with a haul.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (NAG LIMERICK DIVISION)

Suzanne Heymann:

If she nags you, don’t nag back or diss her.
She might leave you, and then you would miss her.
If she just starts to blabber,
Don’t jab her, don’t stab her.
Just nab her and grab her, then kiss her!

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I found my old nag by the brook.
He threw up and then violently shook.
Seems he ate too much hay;
He sure wasn’t okay
And he gave me a real baleful look

Tony Holmes:

“From a lifetime of losing on nags,
Chasing women, and too many fags*,
I can say for a cert
That, though losing my shirt,
When you give them up – Wow! – how time drags.”

*Fags in the UK are cigarettes.

Dave Johnson:

Double jeopardy answers the bell
When a partner is picky as hell.
Critique without pause
Is most likely to cause
A headache that’s nagging as well.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (448)

Saturday, July 18th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

Every good writing venue’s gone stale:
Staying home feels like being in jail;
They’ve closed down the café;
Renting space doesn’t pay;
In the garden today, there was hail.

Now my laptop has gone and dropped dead!
So I’m counting my woes from my bed:
I have nowhere to write
And a jinx I can’t fight…
And this “block” they all cite? That’s my head.

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special WRITER’S BLOCK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“I’m leaving you, Steve,” said my muse,
“If MadKane is the forum you choose.
I inspired the Greeks
But you limerick geeks
Make my sisters and me hit the booze.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Richard Campbell, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tony Holmes, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, Konrad Schwoerke, Wayne Feder, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HAIL/HALE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WRITERS’S BLOCK LIMERICKS)

Richard Campbell:

The storm was a monster — a gale.
The thunder and lightning! I’d quail.
(Damn! Now what is that rhyme?
My mind blanks all the time.
Those little ice balls are called…)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HAIL/HALE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

Wear a mask in a crowd? Epic fail!
Against loss of my freedoms I rail.
I can say without doubt
That it’s safe to go out.
(Just whatever you do, don’t inhale.)

Roger Haugen:

“Through rain storms and snow storms and hail,
Count on us to deliver the mail.”
A laudable creed,
But often its speed
Is close to the pace of a snail.

Brian Allgar:

“My rallies are right off the scale;
With supporters like that, I can’t fail!
They give straight-arm salutes
And wear goose-stepping boots,
But who’s this guy “Sieg” that they hail?”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

As a senior, I’m no longer hale.
I can spot someone’s face, but I fail
To remember a name,
And I feel such deep shame
When my train of thought starts to derail.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Through rain, sleet, and snow — even hail —
A manly man stays on the trail
Till he finds the right slot
To insert what he’s got.
I’m referring (of course) to the mail.

Tony Holmes:

“Let me put it this way,” said the doc’,
“From now on, keep both eyes on the clock.
Neither hearty nor hale,
One false step and you’ll fail.”
Did this guy never hear the word, ‘shock’?

Lisi Nortman:

I remember my wild days at Yale
When I followed the “pot smoking trail.”
I smoked it in heat;
Also rain, snow and sleet.
But I just didn’t want to in hail.

Kirk Miller:

He embarked on a dieting craze.
The results never ceased to amaze.
When he stepped on the scale,
Loss of weight he would hail.
It was clear he was changing his weighs.

Suzanne Heymann:

There’s a drink that is better than ale;
It has vodka, tomato juice, kale,
Salt-rimmed glass for the ride.
Open wide, let it slide.
That’s one Caesar that I’d like to hail!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRITER’S BLOCK LIMERICK DIVISION)

Konrad Schwoerke:

What to write? What to write? What to write?
What to write? What to write? What a plight!
What to… wait, here’s a thought!
No, it’s gone—I’m distraught.
What to write? What to… fuck it, good night.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

To my teacher I said, “I’m a wreck —
Writer’s block is a pain in the neck!”
“From what you have written,”
Said she, “You’ve been smitten
perhaps less with ‘block’ than with ‘blech.’”

Wayne Feder:

Writers block! Are you out of your gourd?
Let’s get your commitment restored.
All you’ll need for a muse
Is one page of the news,
To find grist for a Nobel Award.

Tim James:

A writer who’d taken a crack
At a JFK book said, “Alack!
When I tried to compose,
My whole brain up and froze.
Simply stated, I couldn’t write jack.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I went to the shrink and he said,
“I know you’ve a feeling of dread.
The words will come back;
You’ve a wonderful knack.
But you have to stop punching your head.”

Jean McEwen:

Among limerick wordsmiths, my rank
Is as low as can be, to be frank.
Once Mad Kane gives the prompt
You would think I’d be swamped
With eurekas – and yet, my mind’s blank.

Kirk Miller:

An author, a priest, set his sights
On writing a novel, but fights
Writer’s block that’s so dread,
Inspiration is dead.
So the padre performs his last writes.

Dave Johnson:

“I think this one’s gonna be fun;
It might have a pretty good run.
The challenging part
Is just where do I start?”
– When Tolstoy imagined Page One…

Tim James:

As I’ve aged, it has come as a shock:
When I write, my brain goes into lock.
There are others like me;
We’ve united, you see.
Come and join us: The Old Writers’ Bloc.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (440)

Saturday, March 14th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A pilot was taken aback
By a sudden, fierce counterattack.
He approached with great care
On a wing and a prayer —
And got slapped in the face by a WAC.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special TOY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

After both of the kids were asleep,
Buzz Lightyear would quietly creep
Into Mom’s private room
For a quick va-va-voom!
(Did he tire of little Bo Peep?)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Steven Frakt, Thomas Vincent, Delano Britt, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Ken Gosse, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BACK/ABACK” RHYME DIVISION)

Stephen Whitred:

Said the cannibal holding a sack,
“Here’s a hussy to cook us a snack.”
But her lumbar tattoo
Would just ruin the stew,
So I doubt they’ll be having her back.

Suzanne Heymann:

Her ex beat her up, blue and black,
But her brothers would soon pay him back;
On a railroad they’d heap
(And tie up) this dumb creep.
You could say that they kept him on track.

Daisy Hyrkas:

Since I just can’t afford a Big Mac,
I check out the dumpster in back.
I sift through the litter
And fight off a critter,
Before giving up on my snack.

Dave Johnson:

She called him a liberal hack;
“You Trump-loving shill!” he shot back.
They’re at it again;
That’s the dialogue when
The Conways are hitting the sack.

Steven Frakt:

A flea and a fly ventured back
To the flue they had fled through a crack;
They did not much care
For the cold outside air.
Now they’re happy, for those keeping track.

Thomas Vincent:

Donald says that we have to strike back,
Cuz the White House is under attack.
For recession or flu,
It is clear what to do:
We will just blame it all on Barack.

Delano Britt:

There once was a gal with a knack.
For lying all day on her back.
Though I know it is cheesy
To say she is easy,
Even God couldn’t keep her on track.

Fred Bortz:

A bimbo who wanted a “rack”
Found out that her doc was a quack
When she woke from her op
And discovered her top
Had voluptuous breasts in the back.

Tim James:

When he heard that a gal in a shack
Did her job lying flat on her back,
He guffawed like a schmuck.
(She was fixing a truck.)
He’s a jerk with a mind that’s one-track.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

The Pandemic we’re currently braving
Has required new ways of behaving:
Do not greet with a smack,
If you’re breathing, stand back,
And trade foreplay for long-distance waving.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Toy store owners are asking themselves
About drones, so each one of them delves
Into records of sales,
And the trend that prevails
Is that drones have been flying off shelves.

Jean McEwen:

As much as I hate to be crass,
I have to come clean, doc. Alas,
I got carried away.
With some intimate play.
Now a butt plug has lodged up my ass.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Most toddlers are not at all coy,
And we watch them with pleasure and joy.
They will play with a box
Or with Grandpa’s old socks,
Cause anything serves as a toy.

Ken Gosse:

A birthday’s a time of great joy
For ev’ry good girl and good boy,
But as we get older
And joints get much colder,
We feel like a kid’s broken toy.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you’re poor and your children are boys
When they can’t have some fun, they make noise.
So without acting chilly,
Say, “Play with your willy;
You don’t need some silly old toys.”

Brian Allgar:

I started to strip her with glee,
But I knew she was toying with me
When the object I felt
Was a chastity-belt,
And she claimed she’d forgotten the key.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (339)

Saturday, February 29th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

They are stripping the mountaintops bare
And polluting the streams and the air.
Mining makes a huge gash,
So small payments of cash
Are coaled comfort for residents there.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CLOTHING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A spy sent a note to her chief.
How’d she do it? It beggars belief:
She inscribed it with care
On her guy’s underwear.
That’s the way she conveyed it, in brief.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Tim James, Beri Caram, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Diane Groothuis, Daisy Hyrkas, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CASH/CACHE” RHYME DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Here’s a TSA warning to heed:
If your state’s not yet legalized weed,
Expect agents to trash
All the hash in your cache.
(You’d best smoke it beforehand. Agreed?)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When Ogden was asked why he sought to
Write more lim’ricks than any man ought to:
“Not unlike earning cash,
It’s like breathing,” said Nash–
“It’s better to do it than not to.”

Tim James:

She’s a beauty, with style and panache,
And I know that my ardor is rash.
Oh, to lie in her arms
And enjoy her sweet charms!
It turns out, though, I haven’t the cash.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLOTHING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Beri Caram:

I gathered the leaves of a fig
To wear on my prominent rig.
My wife said, “That stuff
Is barely enough
To cover up something that big.”

Tony Holmes:

If it’s true that, ‘Clothes maketh the man,’
I must get some as soon as I can.
Oh, it’s all very well
Living au naturel,
But it sucks for my seven-year plan.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

All the guys used to give me a wink
When I’d sit at “The Lounge” for a drink.
But I’ve stopped going there
Cuz I’ve nothing to wear;
Seems that choc’late made all my clothes shrink.

Brian Allgar:

My new Y-fronts are horribly wrong,
Manufactured no doubt in Hong Kong.
They are useless and silly,
Unless you’ve a willy
That’s Z-shaped and twelve inches long.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Well, Lady Godiva was clutch,
Riding naked for causes and such,
Butt rubbed raw by her horse.
One conclusion, of course,
Is the Lady doth protest too much.

Steve Whitred:

There once was a man, quite a prude.
In his nightmares he went around nude,
But exposing his skin
Caused him so much chagrin,
That he had himself fully tattooed.

Tim James:

An ecdysiast, smart as a whip,
Trolled the crowd with the following quip:
“In exchange for your payment,
I’ll doff my scant raiment.”
A fellow yelled, “THEN will you strip?”

Diane Groothuis:

A Scot in a very short kilt
Said “You see I am very well built,
And in my tight trews
You’ll get plenty of views
Of the sword which I keep in my hilt.”

Daisy Hyrkas:

There once was a gal named Louise
Whose clothes were infested with fleas.
They caused such an itch,
She removed ev’ry stitch
And called it the vermin striptease.

Suzanne Heymann:

A brassiere is a curse-worthy thing,
An uncomfortable harness — tit sling.
I get home and then boom;
Free my boobs from their tomb.
Whip the thing ’cross the room with a fling!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (338)

Sunday, February 16th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The Old Mariner cried, “What the heck?!
With an albatross (dead) I must trek?!
Can’t I just drag a chain
To display your disdain —
Not this smelly old pain in the neck?”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special STRING-INSTRUMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

In the mountains, this small, remote nook
Is delightful, with woods, birds, and brook.
And the air is so clear!
Hold on, what’s that I hear?
A guitar and a banjo? Let’s book!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Daisy Hyrkas, Tanja Cilia, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Beri Caram, Suzanne Heymann, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Andrew Sprung, Byron Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CHAIN” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

I had gotten my gal a gold chain
For a bracelet. She said with disdain:
“You’re a jerk; that I knew.
It turns out you’re cheap too!”
All this fuss for a tiny green stain!

Daisy Hyrkas:

I wove many a fine daisy chain
And danced without clothes in the rain.
You bet your sweet bippy
I once was a hippie,
But the pendulum swung right again.

Tanja Cilia:

Yarn-writers spin epics in vain.
Each saga, they link in a chain.
But real life zooms so fast,
They’re not destined to last;
In the end, just flash fiction will reign.

Brian Allgar: (Aftermath of Trump’s impeachment)

In a show that surpassed the Third Reich’s,
Traitors’ heads were impaled upon spikes.
They’d been hanged with a chain
On the White House terrain,
Live on Facebook, with millions of ‘likes.’

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

The foreboding chain letter was plain:
“Send this on, or you’ll suffer great pain.”
So I covered my ass,
Sent out letters en masse,
And let somebody else break the chain.

Jean McEwen:

Will we ever find out the full chain
Of events that led up to Ukraine?
(Trump’s corruption, that is…)
I doubt it, ’cause his
Is one grand feat of legerdemain.

Beri Caram:

Who knows who is nutty or sane?
One wonders and thinks, all in vain.
Your “brisk” is my “lazy.”
My “sane” is your “crazy.”
Oh please, won’t you undo my chain?

Suzanne Heymann:

The cop asked the drunk in the rain,
“Where to? It’s past midnight! Explain!”
“To a lecture; can’t wait!”
“Who gives lectures this late?”
“Just my wife, sir, the great ball and chain.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (STRING INSTRUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

I’ve been tutored to toot the kazoo.
My tunes and my rhythms are true.
But I can’t play a thing
On a musical string.
Yes I fret that I don’t have a clue.

Tim James:

Many gals in the orchestra face
An attempt by a guy (a disgrace)
To do sexual things
With the “babes” in the strings —
Though he still hasn’t got to first bass.

Brian Allgar:

She always made love with her fellow
As though she were playing the cello.
When she gripped with her knees,
So hard did she squeeze
That he gave an unmusical bellow.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

On the “practice test,” I have reviewed
All the answers, so I could conclude
That a hat’s to a head
Like a sheet’s to a bed
And the banjo’s like Spam is to food.

Brian Allgar:

I’ve lost count of the horrible things
That McConnell, Trump’s instrument, brings.
But let’s not forget
He’s a marionette –
It is Donald who’s pulling the strings.

Andrew Sprung:

A virgin violist named Vera
Fretted opening night, taut with terruh.
“If I whinny or whine
When my beau’s strings touch mine,
Then the whole world will hear of my erruh!”

Byron Miller:

String ensembles are musically mellow;
I’m a center front row type of fellow.
I’m also a flirt
And may peek up the skirt
Of the woman who’s playing the cello.

Dave Johnson:

With the lush tones her instrument brings,
She’s playing some beautiful things.
But finding a place
For a harpist to base?
She just might have to pull a few strings.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (337)

Saturday, February 1st, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Ray’s vineyard has gotten much praise,
Although wine’s not produced there these days;
A sweet treat’s all the craze,
Eaten so many ways,
As Ray’s raisins are raised by sun’s rays.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special DANCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

As a girl she had studied ballet,
And she practiced her moves ev’ry day.
As she bent to that task,
Other children would ask:
“Can Anna come out and plié?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, William Preston, Sharon Neeman, Byron Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Daisy Hyrkas, Roger Haugen, Dave Johnson, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RAISE or RAYS or RAZE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DANCE LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

When we’re dancing, her eyes tend to glaze,
And I bask in their soft, dreamy rays –
Till I tread on her toes!
Then the swearwords she knows
Would outclass all the oaths in Roget’s.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RAISE or RAYS or RAZE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

On Twitter Real Don would repeat
Nasty words he picked up on the street;
He’d use them to raze
Reputations, most days,
Then most nights beat a hasty retweet.

William Preston:

Though the sun and the moon have their rays,
One works nights, and the other works days.
Said the sun to the moon,
“Now, don’t set in a swoon,
But your rays are just merely a phase.”

Brian Allgar:

Once again, I am utterly pissed
By the rhyme-words that “Rhyme Word” has missed.
Disbelieving, I gaze
At the entries for ‘raise,’
But ‘erase’ can’t be found in their list.

Sharon Neeman:

Though the poker joint’s no-smoke these days,
It once reeked of old cigarette haze —
Till the day that Big Mabel
Tipped over the table
And cried, “I can’t see; I won’t raise!”

Byron Miller:

It’s regrettable we’ve had to raze
All your cities to naught but a haze,
But Commander-in-Chief
Loves his burgers of beef
And the cattle need grassland to graze.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My surgeon I’m happy to praise;
He is brilliant in so many ways.
His name’s “Doc Lapoint.”
He replaced my sore joint
And deserves lots of Hip Hip Hoo Rays!

Tony Holmes:

When a winsome young ewe takes his eye,
Farmer Grout isn’t one to be shy.
By the Moon’s eerie rays,
In the old-fashioned ways,
He romances the ‘lass’ on the sly.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DANCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

The bar on the corner was grand;
You could dance to a real decent band —
Till the barmaid, no sport,
Took the owner to court
For misuse of a too-frisky hand.

Lisi Nortman, for her Hokey Pokey:

First the right foot went in and then out.
At our parties, the kids had no doubt
That the left foot was next —
Never made us perplexed,
And that’s what it all was about.

Daisy Hyrkas:

I stood on the edge of the chair,
Gave a kick and I danced in mid-air.
As I struggled and fought,
An irrelevant thought:
There’s hair on my legs. I need Nair.

Roger Haugen:

Embraced in a slow sexy dance,
She slid her warm hand down his pants;
The cannon was loaded
And promptly exploded–
So much for a one-shot romance.

Lisi Nortman:

When you dance, you must stay with the beat.
It’s the rhythm that makes it so sweet:
It’s “a one an a two,”
Really easy to do,
And sort of like lim’riks for feet.

Dave Johnson:

Some people, convinced they can dance,
Are nothing but preening and prance.
Their singular flair:
Waving hands in the air;
As bad as Sean Spicer? No chance!

Fred Bortz:

He argues as if we are twits.
His dance tears all reason to bits.
His Twist and his Mash
Transform logic to hash,
So we call it the Dersho-half-witz.

Brian Allgar:

She can do an incredible tango,
And wait till you see her fandango!
All this, if you please,
While she grips with her knees
An enormously fat, juicy mango.

Tony Holmes:

“If we dance in the old-fashioned way,
I might mount an unwelcome display.
Should you happen to feel
What I fail to conceal,
And you find it distracting, please say.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (336)

Sunday, January 19th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A prompt for a line is a cue,
And a queue is a line for the loo.
A stick to shoot pool,
A cotton-tipped tool,
An O with a tail –- now I’m through.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special SIN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A wild, wily widower, Will,
On a lark, once went cuckoo for Jill.
These birds of a feather
Played sex games together,
And the cardinal sin fit the bill.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Larz, Thomas Vincent, Daisy Hyrkas, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Suzanne Heymann, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Peter Boorman, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CUE/QUEUE” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

Her pool game – they started to mock it;
That shy little girl with a locket.
But, grabbing a cue,
She knew what to do;
Keep blasting their balls in the pocket.

Larz:

A naughty young nudist named Sue
Was checking out guys for a screw.
When she spotted his size,
She exclaimed with wide eyes:
“Oh, you’ll be the first in the queue!”

Thomas Vincent:

When approaching a modern day loo,
All ladies know just what to do;
Odd symbols of sex
Never trouble or vex;
They just head for the longest loo queue.

Daisy Hyrkas:

The actor’s awaiting his cue;
A loud and a stagy “Ah Choo!”
His partner can’t act,
Though to say so lacks tact.
(It’s a good thing that gal has the flu.)

Lisi Nortman:

My bananas were greenish in hue,
But I waited so long in the queue,
By the time I checked out
There was nary a doubt:
They were yellow and ready to chew.

Tim James:

A traditional Scotsman named Hugh
Started drinking at six, right on cue.
Around midnight he lay,
Kilt in full disarray,
With the ladies enjoying the view.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you want to avoid a long queue,
Just pretend you’ve come down with the flu.
Walk in crutches, then sneeze,
Cough a lot, cut the cheese
Till the others say, “Please, after you!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

From “cow speak,” we must take our cue
And translate “Don’t eat me!” from “Moo.”
And when old horses say
With a snort, “Neigh! Neigh! Neigh!”
We must picket all plants that make glue.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SIN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

What’s “original sin”? I’ve been thrown
By the studies I’ve done on my own.
Because try as I might,
I just can’t get it right:
All my sins are already well-known.

Peter Boorman:

There was a young lass from Anstruther
Who had an affair with her brother.
The result of this link
Was a short spell in clink
And a daughter whose Aunt was her Mother.

Lisi Nortman:

Ev’ry Christmas we have a dispute:
Before company comes, I say, “SCOOT!
I have told you before
And I’ll tell you once more
Adam, please stay away from the fruit!”

Tony Holmes:

Oh, I tried to be virtuous – thrice.
Then I caved and surrendered to vice.
Goodness wasn’t for me.
I was bound, now I’m free;
If it’s naughty, no need to ask twice.

Daisy Hyrkas:

In dimly lit rooms, I undress
And I do things I’ll have to confess.
It’s for profit, not fun,
Cuz I charge ev’ryone,
Though it’s true that the cute ones pay less.

Suzanne Heymann:

“If you sin morning, night, or at noon,
In a fiery pit you’ll be strewn.
If you beat Satan’s drum,
Hell will burn all you scum.
But God loves you! Please come again soon!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (335)

Saturday, January 4th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said the poet, “My limericks veer
Towards the nasty and smutty, I fear.”
Upon saying this, he
Grinned lasciviously.
That’s the reason he’s called Edward Leer.

Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Special SNOW-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

You can say what you like about snow,
Like, “Oh, Bugger!” and “Pack up and go!”
You can shout yourself hoarse.
It ignores you, of course.
Were I you, I’d just go with the floe.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Suzanne Heymann, Daisy Hyrkas, Tanja Cilia Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, and Shaneka Antwanette Murphy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “VEER/SEVERE/REVERE/PERSEVERE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SNOW LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

The weather outside – so severe;
With snow piling up far and near.
But lovers aglow
By the fireplace know
That a heat wave is imminent here.

Brian Allgar:

“Them scientists? Listen up, folks –
They’re eggheads who don’t have no yolks.
The cold is severe,
It’s snowing right here,
And that proves global warming’s a hoax.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I’ve written the “Song Of The Year.”
(Wasn’t easy; one must persevere.)
It’s a cute little ditty
And also quite witty:
“Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Just Not Here.”

Sue Dulley:

Dear Mad: Though I still persevere,
My muse has now left me, I fear.
Where I once was snowed under
With rhymes, now I wonder:
What caused that sweet snow storm to clear?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“VEER/SEVERE/REVERE/PERSEVERE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

Cried Sisyphus, “I’ll persevere!
I’ll inch this rock higher, don’t fear!
But then I must stop,
For if I reach the top,
What the hell will I do all next year?”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for this Acrostic Limerick:

A vehicle sometimes will veer
Left or right, when you don’t even steer!
It might well get you scared.
Go and have it repaired;
Now it’s safer. Get back into gear.

Tim James:

Here in Camelot, Queen Guinevere
Has discovered some boils on her rear.
In our kingdom, we’ve found,
Splendid doctors abound.
They’ve been using the lance a lot here.

Jean McEwen:

In my limericks, often, I’ll veer
From one line to the next, making sheer
Nonsense verse — which, though terse,
Gets more dopey and worse
By the line. (I am no Edward Lear.)

Suzanne Heymann:

It’s sometimes quite hard to revere
A priest who administers fear
And who’s almost controlled
All the sheep; the blind fold
Who believe he’s their shepherd, so dear.

Tim James:

Said the trollop to Mrs. Revere,
“Paul’s out shouting to all, far and near.
The resistance is humming:
‘The British are coming!’
That’s true; I’ve been bedding them, dear.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Alone in his garret all year,
Van Gogh from his canvas might veer
To his one lonely chair,
Where he’d say to the air:
“Is there no one who’ll lend me an ear?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SNOW LIMERICK DIVISION)

Daisy Hyrkas:

The village is dusted with snow.
It emits a quaint holiday glow.
Such sights can deceive;
It is now Christmas Eve,
And Santa is jacked up on blow.

Tanja Cilia:

When the heavens are sending us snow,
Which turns the earth white down below,
I retreat to my cave.
I’m not one to be brave;
When the sun comes back out, let me know.

Jean McEwen:

Don’t be snowed! Does it not seem suspicious
When Kellogg’s proclaims they’re “nutritious?”
Frosted Flakes just won’t fuel
You like mom’s oatmeal gruel.
(Though they taste, I’ll admit, more delicious.)

Lisi Nortman:

To snowboard is terribly tough;
As you slide, it is slipp’ry and rough.
’Twas invented by jerks
With very strange quirks
Who feel skiing’s not lethal enough.

Tony Holmes:

Politicians and weathermen sin!
They can lie through their teeth and still grin.
They will tell us: “Black’s white,”
“There’ll be no snow tonight.”
And whatever the outcome, they’ll spin.

Lisi Nortman, who tells us that her acrostic limerick was inspired by Robert Frost’s
“A Patch Of Old Snow.”

From a distance, I looked down below,
Reflecting on times long ago.
Over hills, near a brook,
Spots of grime overtook
The beauty of winter’s lush snow.

Shaneka Antwanette Murphy:

My kids want another snow day,
But this surely will NOT be okay;
On snow you may trip
And fracture your hip.
So I said to them, “There-is-snow-way!”

Tim James:

I heard Frosty the Snowman assert
He was tough and he couldn’t be hurt.
When I kicked him “down there”
His loud scream rent the air.
Who says snowballs are hard and inert?

Dave Johnson:

It’s snowing again – what a treat;
Then it melts in the afternoon heat.
And day after day,
It’s always this way.
(This dreamworld of mine can’t be beat!)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (334)

Saturday, December 7th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a pool-rhymed and press-themed limerick:

Narcissus would hotly refuse
Every fact that disputed his views;
When his mirror-like pool
Showed a puffed-up old fool,
He bellowed in anger, “Fake news!”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Press-Themed Limerick Award for this funny verse, which is also a pool-rhymed limerick:

“Those reporters,” said Trump with a frown
“Are the worst bunch of traitors in town.
They call ’em a ‘pool?’
Well, let each lying fool
Take a dive in the deep end and drown.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Daisy Hyrkas, Tim James, Jesse Levy, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Michael D. Blum, Larz, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Suzanne Heymann, Michael Moulton, and Sjaan VandenBroeder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“POOL” RHYME DIVISION)

Daisy Hyrkas:

I employ my épée as a tool
As we fence at the edge of the pool.
If I happen to sway,
We do water ballet,
As we jointly perform pas de duel.

Tim James:

A fellow, obsessed shooting pool,
Ended up doing something uncool.
He’s now known as the man
Who was late to the can.
Mind your pees and your cues ― that’s the rule!

Jesse Levy:

I once was proficient at pool,
And I thought I was pretty darn cool.
But I then played a “Felson,”
Who said to me “Well, son,
I think I just took you to school.”

Jean McEwen:

At my health club, they’ve posted a rule:
“Please don’t drool, spit, or pee in the pool.”
Yet, it seems there’s no stopping
Some members from plopping
Down huge putrid hunks of brown stool!

Dave Johnson:

Before they would head to the pool,
His wife had established a rule.
“I know you will spy
Every girl walking by;
No sighing and try not to drool.”

Tony Holmes:

It is best when at rest by the pool,
To lie prone, thereby trapping your tool.
With your manhood safe housed,
Should your ardour be roused,
There’ll be no telling tales out of school.

Michael D Blum:

He threw his genes into the pool
By using his wee little tool.
We know him as Trump,
That despicable grump;
Every offspring of his is a fool.

Larz, for his two-verse limerick:

The daring young babes at the pool
Love sporting their suits miniscule.
Naughty boys look alive
When those girls take a dive
Cuz their suits will fall off as a rule.

One denuded nymphet played the fool.
“Oh Mercy!” she cried, “Don’t be cruel.”
To no one’s surprise
She caused quite a rise
In the tools of the fools in the pool.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PRESS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her Acrostic Limerick:

Most people watch “press” on T.V.,
Expectantly waiting to see
Debates about news,
In depth theories and views…
And instead see the Prez on a spree.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My newspaper used to be sturdy
With features beyond more than wordy.
But now it’s on line,
Which works out just fine–
Till the floor of my birdcage gets dirty.

Jean McEwen:

Reporters today—so despised
By our POTUS—should not be surprised
If some MAGA fan, packing
A gun, starts attacking.
Alertness is strongly advised.

Tony Holmes:

I was hacking a slice off my boule –
I confess, I’m a sourdough fool –
When a news anchor clip
Caused my bread knife to slip –
Almost sliced off the family jewel.

Tim James:

It’s a fact that the press always skews
Their reporting on non-mainstream views.
They’re so lousy at that
They misquoted my cat.
’Twas a typical case of fake mews.

Dave Johnson:

They write for the Times and the Post;
In detail that’s stronger than most.
Here’s hoping one day
Their headlines will say:
“IT’S OVER -THIS P.O.T.U.S. IS TOAST!”

Suzanne Heymann:

Paparazzi, reporters, the press
Like to find famous folk who transgress.
Now isn’t it funny
That even hush money
Can’t sweeten (like honey) their mess!

Mike Moulton:

Said Trump to the press, looking smug,
With his usual leer and a shrug:
“The House won’t get far,
Because I’ve got Bill Barr,
Who will sweep my crimes under the rug.”

Tim James:

Mr. Gutenberg never could guess
What some people would print with his press:
Gossip, lies, and abuse.
For such stuff there’s one use:
In a birdcage, to clean up the mess.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (333)

Saturday, November 9th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

One night, I undid my car’s lock,
Then I watched from afar like a hawk.
Along came a robber.
I smiled, dripping slobber.
With what did I clobber? A rock!

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special JAZZ-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

In a very conservative nation
Where musical improvisation
Is viewed with disdain,
Playing jazz leads to pain
From a sentence of defenestration.

Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse:

Tony Holmes:

‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
‘Now you’re back from crusade,
I’m quite keen to get laid.’
“Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”

“Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
But my bladder was weak,
I stepped out for a leak …
Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”

‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
With your coming, I burst into song.
But you’ve done derring deeds,
With no thought for my needs;
To return thus, you do me great wrong.’

“Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
You are just, but I’m still very sore.
It’s the nature of things –
And believe me, it stings;
On the bright side, I evened the score.”

The rest of this saga is here.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Daisy Hyrkas, Suzanne Heymann, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Roger Haugen, John Bergstrom, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOCK” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Delilah!” cried Samson in shock,
“This haircut will make people gawk.”
Then he tried to stand tall
For his manhood and all,
But went limp when she lopped the last lock.

Brian Allgar:

The voters, a gullible flock,
Had swallowed unthinkingly, lock,
Stock, and barrel, that guy’s
Endless boasting and lies –
Including the size of his cock.

Tim James:

An apparel firm pumped up their stock:
“It’ll double in price! It’s a lock!
Our source of success is
Our fine women’s dresses!”
The truth is, I don’t give a frock.

Daisy Hyrkas:

Miss Caroline stood on the dock
And dipped her toes into the loch.
Her foot probed the murk,
And she felt a sharp jerk.
Seems Nessie had pulled off her sock.

Suzanne Heymann:

My house is a place I don’t lock,
But burglars are in for a shock.
It’s booby-trapped well
And a nightmarish hell;
They’ll get crushed by a cell concrete block!

David Friedman

“Dear Guinevere,” Lance said in shock,
“This chastity belt thing’s a crock!
For why such attire
When each knight and squire
Has got his own key to the lock?!”

David Reddekopp:

The president boasts, “Man, I rock!
My victory next year’s a lock.
Of that fact I’ve no doubt –
I’ll win in a rout!
This I swear by my fifteen-inch cock.”

Roger Haugen:

Groaned Raul to the old Cuban doc,
“What’s causing my stomach to lock?”
As the man poked and prodded,
He solemnly nodded:
“It’s a Castro-intestinal block.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (JAZZ-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Daisy Hyrkas:

She’s a big fan of jazz and the blues.
She lounges at bars sucking booze.
She channels Miss Ella
And sings a cappella…
While her boyfriend just sits home and stews.

John Bergstrom:

Messrs. Satchmo and Dizzy and Miles
All blew in their various styles.
Now up in the sky
In that sweet bye and bye,
They’re playing together at Ryles.

Jean McEwen:

While some jazz buffs get into a tizzy
Over bebop and swing, I think Dizzy
Gillespie is King
And Glenn Miller’s the Thing!
(Yes, it’s true: I still drive a Tin Lizzie.)

Roger Haugen:

What’s great about music called jazz
Is what the art hasn’t and has:
No thunderous din
For ears made of tin;
Just rhythmic/harmonic pizzazz.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Still groovin’ although he was blind,
He was certainly one of a kind.
Not a thing could compare
To his brilliant despair
When Georgia was still on his mind.

Dave Johnson:

The singer, a drummer, and bass
Recorded with smoldering grace.
It didn’t take long;
Peggy Lee’s biggest song
Took off at a Feverish pace.

Lisi Nortman:

We swayed and we spun and we twirled.
We hopped and we bopped and we swirled.
We danced with pizzazz
To something called jazz;
America’s gift to the world.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (330)

Saturday, September 7th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Nitroglycerin’s touchy, although
It’s quite safe in the hands of a pro.
Which I am. So don’t fret;
I’ve had no problems yet.
I’ve no fear it will ever explo―

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special INTERNET HAZARD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

You ask, “Why does Donald use Twitter
To govern?” Well, what could be fitter?
With his phone on his lap,
He can spew out some crap,
While the rest of it goes in the shitter.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Tanja Cilia, Suzanne Heymann, Mike Moulton, John Shardlow, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PRO” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

In translation, I’ve earned my good name;
I have reaped recognition and fame —
Ah, but even a pro
Can be dealt a grave blow
By an innocent Internet game:

“Only 10,000 words for today?
Fine! I’ll just take a moment to play…”
But those “moments” can cost —
No words done! Six hours lost!
And now all I can say is “Oy, vey.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PRO” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

At a high-school debate long ago,
My opponent, alas, didn’t show,
But I was unfazed
And the crowd was amazed
As I argued both sides, con and pro.

Tim James:

His writing was that of a pro ―
A bit morbid and skin-crawly, though.
Talking birds, howling cats:
Stuff like that is just bats!
(A description that’s most aproPoe.)

Dave Johnson:

Some people are wearing GoPro;
Real handy for filming a show.
But here’s where its charm
Might be viewed with alarm:
Not turning it off when you go.

Tanja Cilia:

I bought a palatial chateau
For a long-lasting tryst with my beau.
But the plumbing was bust;
There was mold, rot, and dust,
And the place was all cons and no pro.

Dave Johnson:

My Labor Day burgers will show
I’m running the grill like a pro.
But knobs turned in vain
Showed a lack of propane;
It’s off to McDonald’s we go.

Suzanne Heymann:

If a worker says “Oops!” or “Oh no!”
Or appears to be nervous or slow,
Gives you sass or acts crass,
Has the brass to pass gas,
You can bet your sweet ass he’s no pro.

Mike Moulton:

One ev’ning, Melania said, “No,
My headaches do trouble me so,
And the baby won’t sleep.
Your urges will keep.”
Said Donald, “I‘ll hire a pro.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICK DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

Her message exclaimed, “You’re so hot!”
I was flattered. I said, “Thanks a lot!”
We chatted. I fell
Quite under her spell
Till I learned it was love at first bot.

John Shardlow:

I’ve heard from an African Prince
Who’s doing his best to convince
Me to share in his wealth
And transfer by stealth
Dirty money he’s trying to rinse.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The Internet sure does “entice.”
(I’m obsessed with my wondrous device.)
But when networking broke,
I went downstairs and spoke
To my fam’ly; they seem really nice.

Fred Bortz:

The virus arrived undetected
In a message I never suspected.
The disguise was so slick.
All it took was one click.
My computer’s now sick. I’m infected!

Dave Johnson:

Some people we happened to meet
From an Airbnb up the street
Were full of despair;
Zero linens in there.
That really did happen – no sheet.

Sharon Neeman:

A Facebook ad showed Jim a blouse
That he thought he should buy for his spouse:
“She’s size ‘M'” — but what came
In the mail (to his shame)
Would have fit on an av’rage-sized mouse.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (289)

Saturday, January 6th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this 2-verse limerick:

If you’ve heard this before, just say “Stop!” —
How my auntie once bested a cop:
He spotted Aunt Esther
And said he’d arrest her.
“What for? That’s just tools from my shop.”

“Those crowbars? I’ll give you a fine.”
“Then I’ll say that you raped me, you swine!”
“I did not! That’s not fair!”
“Well, your… tool… is right there,
Just the same as you said about mine.”

Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Special CELEBRATION-Themed Limerick Award for this 2-verse limerick:

David Reddekopp:

I decided that I’d take a chance;
In an effort to try to enhance
The amount of good cheer
To ring in the new year,
I put mistletoe into my pants.

Though my actions were bold and quite brash,
No one noticed or batted a lash.
I had little to show
From that damn mistletoe;
Just a rather embarrassing rash.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, David Reddekopp, Suzanne Heymann, Michael Moulton, Sharon Neeman, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FINE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

A woman would strictly define
All her beaus by their phallic design.
If the size of their stuff
Wasn’t quite up to snuff,
“Where’s the beef?” was her withering line.

Brian Allgar:

“Let’s go down to my cellar.” “Divine,”
Said the bimbo. “I love tasting wine,
But there’s one tricky bit –
Should I swallow or spit?”
“For this tasting,” he said, “both are fine.”

Fred Bortz: (who sends his apologies to Peter, Paul and Mary.)

A racehorse named Stewball drank wine.
He was thirty-to-one on the line.
I’m a jailbird today,
’Cause I bet on the bay–
Thirty days, since I can’t pay the fine.

I’m confined to a cell that’s quite narrow,
Where I’m chilled all the way to my marrow.
I’d be free as a bird
Had I heeded the word
Of Travers and Stookey and Yarrow.

Kirk Miller:

Every limerick isn’t complete
’Til its rhythm conforms to a beat,
So that every line
Has a cadence that’s fine.
All the writers must think on their feet.

David Reddekopp:

For all of my life, I will pine
For a girl with a body that’s fine
And some junk in her trunk;
I like girls who have spunk –
But of course, I prefer that it’s mine.

Suzanne Heymann:

Donald’s brain is a bit of a mystery.
It’s unbalanced, bizarre, bleak and blistery.
So, preserve it in brine
As a way to confine
The most backward bloodline in our history.

Mike Moulton:

A woman thought things would be fine,
If she just plucked one fruit from a vine,
But when biting in haste,
A worm was displaced
Who said, “Hey sweetheart, this one is mine.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CELEBRATION LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

For Jews, celebrations are sweet,
With a theme that will leave us replete:
“Though our enemies tried
To commit genocide,
Yet they failed; we prevailed. Now let’s eat!”

Brian Allgar:

Celebrations are called for today!
Though I’m ill every year, let me say
Through my coughing and sneezing
And choking and wheezing,
Fucking Christmas is one year away!

Dave Johnson:

The naturist party was planned,
Including a hot, local band.
Engaging and loud,
They were dressed like the crowd;
So dancers would know where they stand.

Tim James:

We will celebrate soon ― this is true ―
Thirty years since we both said “I do.”
What’s the secret? I say:
Just be kind ev’ry day.
(Giving choc’late works really well too.)

Dave Johnson:

At a New Year’s Eve party, her glance
Was the start of their torrid romance.
Obsessed through and through,
They would happily screw
On a surfboard, if given the chance.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (287)

Saturday, December 9th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The golfer whose game hit a snag
And whose shots landed far from the flag,
Said his caddy’s to blame
For advice on his game.
So the caddy’s left holding the bag.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special COWARDICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Donald thinks he’s one hell of a fellow.
“Nothing scares me!” the braggart will bellow.
But as Mueller draws near,
Donald trembles with fear;
Both his hair and his belly are yellow.

Congratulations to MARK KANE, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Turning tricks in hotels was her game.
And with most johns the work was the same:
They’d agree on a price
For his pleasures and vice,
Then she’d leave shortly after he came.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins a special Limerick Puzzle Award for her 3-verse limerick. Here’s how she describes her puzzle challenge: “Find the ‘hidden’ names of what are mostly board games. (Some use dice/die or cards.) There are 13 in total.”

You know, being a spy and a dame
Is a scary and dangerous game.
If I fail in my mission,
I soon will be fishin’
For a graveyard position (oh shame!)

I am sorry; that boat ain’t a yahtzee.
I risk boarding that battleship nazi.
Though it seems so taboo,
I just hadn’t a clue
What the dirty minds knew of a plot, see?

My plan was no trivial pursuit.
I must scrabble for facts and then scoot.
“Operation Titanium”
Don’t boggle my cranium.
I found the uranium! Let’s shoot!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Suzanne Heymann, Dave Johnson, Mike Shulman, David Reddekopp, Ailsa McKillop, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GAME” RHYME DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:

I was watching young people play Twister
With some body parts grabbed by some mister.
But the twist in the game
Unexpectedly came
When his gonads were squeezed by his sister.

Dave Johnson:

Her boyfriend just wasn’t the same,
His excuses – increasingly lame.
Then later she found
He was playing around;
Maintaining his skin in the game.

Mike Shulman:

A sportsman with mis’rable aim
Hunted roadkill in place of real game.
When he bagged a flat skunk,
His wife growled in her funk:
“That’s gamy, which isn’t the same.”

David Reddekopp:

The hunter went out with his daughter.
He thought it was time that he taught her,
So she said “Sure, I’m game!”
He then turned and took aim
With his gun, pulled the trigger, and shot her!

Ailsa McKillop:

On the wall it hung, stitched, in a frame,
The fond motto of Scots to proclaim:
“East or West, Hame is Best.”
The American guest
Said “This Hame guy—just what is his game?”

Sharon Neeman:

A young woman, Lorena by name,
Had a man with a really bad game;
In disgust, she one day
Cut his joystick away.
(Though repaired, it was never the same.)

Mike Shulman:

Mary Lou felt her passions enflame
Playing handball with men without shame.
Saying, “Can we be besties?”
She’d fondle their testes.
“Isn’t handball the name of this game?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (COWARDICE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Call it bravery, gumption or guts;
You’ll find none among GOP sluts.
While they sell out the poor,
Corporations get more.
They’re all cowards. No ifs, ands or buts.

Steve Whitred:

To our shame we’re the ones who empowered
A bully, a boor, and a coward.
And I know time will come
We’ll be rid of the bum.
I just wish it was happening now-ward.

Sue Dulley:

When I’m out for a walk or a jog
And approached by a big off-leash dog,
My saunter is soured.
I’m cowed, I’m a coward;
My jog soon turns into a slog.

Brian Allgar:

At the dentist, I’m really quite brave,
But each morning, I gibber and rave
At the blood and the pain,
Swearing “Never again!”
I’m a coward when having to shave.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (285)

Saturday, November 11th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The lascivious, lewd, lazy lord
Had a harem, one hell of a horde.
Lots of sex (his sole goal)
Stopped his heart, took its toll,
As too many a hole was explored.

Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Special CHAOS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Steve Whitred:

With Max on the case we all knew
That the phone ringing came from his shoe,
That he’d miss ‘by that much’
But come through in the clutch,
And that KAOS would always ensue.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

“Please tell me, of those who’ve been whored,
Which sluts might a beggar afford
For a sexual tryst?”
He gave me a list
With the name of your mom underscored.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER and BRIAN ALLGAR, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Robert Schechter:

The Devil, no less than the Lord,
Is looking for souls he can hoard.
I’ve heard both their pitches
But still don’t know which is
The team I’ll be hopping aboard.

Brian Allgar: (The Devil replies)

If you’ve had a good time, if you’ve whored,
If when sinning, your spirits have soared,
Then you’re welcome. If not,
Maybe Heaven’s your spot,
But I warn you – you’re gonna be bored.

Robert Schechter:

All my life I have partied and whored
Since the day my umbilical cord
Was snipped, till the day
I could no longer pay,
So my virtue was sadly restored.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, David Reddekopp, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CHAOS LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

I’ve searched through my limerick hoard
For a piece about “chaos”. I’m floored!
I know there must be one,
So why can’t I see one?
My files are chaotically stored!

Sharon Neeman:

Disorder she’d always abhorred;
When the hurricane came, she was floored!
Her possessions were scattered
And ruined and shattered.
“Just take me now, Lord!” she implored.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED” RHYME DIVISION)

David Reddekopp:

There once was a woman, quite bored.
She went out on the street and she whored.
But she wasn’t a looker,
And no one would book her;
Her night as a hooker: ignored.

Sue Dulley:

My nose started bleeding – good lord!
It’s blood I can little afford.
From nostrils it issues –
Now where are my tissues?
They’ve hidden themselves in my hoard.

Dave Johnson:

On display, an unusual hoard
Of artifacts nicely restored.
Erotic in style,
They remind with a smile
How debauchery scored with the bored.

Fred Bortz:

With the whole Red Light District explored,
Where each one of the horde had been whored,
The warriors returned
To their base where they learned
About STD treatments ignored.

Robert Schechter:

A group of Norwegians, a horde,
Once offered a prayer to the Lord:
“Before our life ends,
Won’t you send us a Benz
Instead of a broken-down Fjord?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHAOS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

“Chaotic” can only describe
A trip with the family tribe.
From “Gotta go potty!”
To “STOP BEING NAUGHTY!”
3:30? It’s time to imbibe.

Suzanne Heymann:

On my lap, my cute Shih Tzu had pooed.
I freaked out and then chaos ensued.
It was much worse a sin
Than just stuck to my skin;
That’s because I had been in the nude!

Sharon Neeman:

The supplies were delivered today,
And the work starts tomorrow, they say;
Now I can’t close my door —
No, nor walk on the floor —
For the boxes of tiles in the way.

I’ve just had the nastiest fall
On the sink that is blocking my hall;
There’s a tap in my hat,
And I can’t find the cat,
And there’s no room to sleep here at all.

Tim James for his “Acrostic” Limerick:

Pay heed to what’s up in D.C.:
Utter chaos ’round hookers who pee.
There’s just one man who scores
In this tale of the whores.
Now look left, and you’ll see who’s the key.

Suzanne Heymann:

On climate change, Trump wants to ban it.
The ember of chaos – he’ll fan it.
He refuses to listen
To facts that he’s missin’
With actions dismissin’ the planet.

The scientists have all the proof.
All their work done got scrapped by him – Poof!
He believes there is worth
In destroying the earth.
How’d his momma give birth to that goof?!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (284)

Sunday, October 29th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

My two titties were built like a tank.
I had dear Mother Nature to thank.
But I’m way past my prime
And can thank Father Time
For the ultimate crime – they both sank.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Vegetable-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Did you hear about Ruthie Ann Rickles?
She used cukes for her intimate tickles,
’Til poor Ruthie (all heedless
Of sticking to seedless)
Gave birth to a jarful of pickles.

Congratulations to SUE DULLEY, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

One veggie that I love to hate: (oh,
Apart from the cherry tomato) –
More bland than wax beans
And less tasty than greens,
Is the boring-as-hell mashed potato.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Marty Gerendasy, Daniel Ari, Randolph Wagner, Sue Dulley, Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TANK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO VEGETABLE LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

“Your Honor,” said bank robber Reggie,
“My wife said we had to go veggie.
She threw out my steaks
And fed me kale shakes,
Which I guess made me feel kind of edgy.

Then she took all my cash and my plastic,
So I had to go do something drastic.
I **did** rob that bank —
Just so I could tank
Up on roast beef — and it was fantastic!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TANK” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Said the hooker to Trump: “I’ll be frank;
Though you claim that you’re built like a tank,
It’s a tank with a belly
That shakes like a jelly,
And a weapon whose charges are blank.”

Will T. Laughlin:

“I’ve the Second Amendment to thank
For keeping me safe,” hollered Hank.
“It’s my right to bear arms,
So who cares who it harms?”
Then he drove off to church… in his tank.

Marty Gerendasy:

After spending the night with a skank,
He awoke with the drunks in the tank.
Blinked his eyes, said “Oh dear,
What am I doing here?
Guess it must have been something I drank!”

Daniel Ari:

A robber fresh out of the tank
Walked into First National Bank.
“We’ve met,” said the greeter.
The con pulled his heater
And said, “I’m not drawing a blank.”

Sharon Neeman:

A conceited new sergeant named Hank
Took a selfie while driving his tank.
Pride precedeth a fall —
He steered into a wall…
Thirty days and demotion in rank.

Randolph Wagner:

A saucy pert lass, when alerted
To breezes blown nippingly, flirted.
Her bearing was frank
As she donned a sheer tank:
It was pointedly quite extroverted.

Sue Dulley:

I tried to put gas in my tank
But the screen showed no numbers, just blank.
Then my credit card stuck
’Til a tourist (such luck!)
Pulled it out – all it took was a Yank.

Steve Whitred:

Once again in the hoosegow or tank.
How I got here is somewhat a blank.
But I know that in part
I blame René Descartes;
I am and so therefor I drank.

Sue Dulley, for her “Atheist’s Lament”

I’ve plenty of gas in the tank
Of my car, and some cash in the bank;
Some fabric for stitchin’,
And food in the kitchen
But no idea whom I should thank.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (VEGETABLE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“I am sick of my vegetable diet,”
The bimbo complained. “I don’t buy it –
It’s protein I need!”
And her doctor agreed:
“Just blow me, and I can supply it.”

Suzanne Heymann:

Why can’t vegetables taste more like candy?
Why, that sure would be dandy and handy!
If I pull a few strings,
Let us see what that brings –
I’ll just cook the damn things in some brandy!

Dave Johnson:

Organic is better, they say;
For some, there is no other way.
Still, others resist,
It’s not on their list;
They really don’t care what you spray.

Steve Whitred, who says: “Don’t ask how I know.”

With cucumber coitus take care.
Fresh corn cobs and carrots forswear.
Those little zucchinis
Resembling weenies
Or peppers; don’t put ’em up there!

David Reddekopp:

There once was a man from Beirut
Who was paralyzed, deaf, and a mute.
He was also quite gay,
So the bigots would say
“He’s a vegetable, and he’s a fruit.”

Stephen Whitred:

This rumor is true folks, I swear it:
A brand new Vegas line, let me share it.
You can gamble on who
Has the higher IQ.
Is it Tillerson (Rex) or a carrot?

Tim James:

My new diet’s all veggies. I make
The best seaweed and pressed tofu cake.
It’s quite easy to do it:
You have to … oh, screw it!
Won’t someone please make me a steak?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (283)

Saturday, October 14th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A brewer’s wife, hastily wed,
Came to dread joyless hops into bed.
And so she went down
On each fellow in town.
And that’s how things came to a head.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special GLASSES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

On the naturist beach, he loves staring
At flesh that the ladies are baring.
He even makes passes
At girls who wear glasses,
Provided that’s all that they’re wearing.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ and STEVE WHITRED, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Fred Bortz:

Dear Madeleine Kane, you should dread
If my limerick’s not at the head.
Prepare for the worst
If my poem’s not first.
Your friendly extortionist, Fred.

Steve Whitred:

Don’t let Fred put a gun to your head.
You should pick one of MY lims instead;
They’re insightful and funny.
I’ll wire you money.
Ignore what that scientist said.

Fred Bortz:

Mad’s caught between two different tribes;
Arm-twisters and those who use bribes.
She can’t win for losing.
The answer is boozing.
And that’s why our leader imbibes.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Neal Starkman, Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, and Bruce Niedt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HEAD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GLASSES-Themed LIMERICKS)

Marty Gerendasy:

“Hey, I can’t find my glasses!” he said.
“Could it be they fell under the bed?”
Then she gave him a look
And said “Don’t be a schnook.
“They’re still sitting on top of your head!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEAD” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Since faces should never be smacked,
My friends and I made a nice pact
To give noogies instead
On the top of each head,
Even though it’s a knucklehead act.

Neal Starkman:

“Be nice now; I’ll give you some head.”
At least, that’s what I thought she had said.
I climbed into bed
But, dammit, instead,
She brought me a platter of bread.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:

Said Marie Antoinette at her wedding,
Let’s slip out dear and get to the bedding.
I’ll give you some head,
And I’d love to get spread,
Plus, my maidenhead needs a beheading.

Tim James:

A powerful media head
Uttered “Rosebud” before dropping dead.
So for hours on screen
They ask, “What did that mean?”
Here’s a spoiler alert: it’s a sled.

Steve Whitred:

The ex-lawyer, ex-oboist said
To her wooer, who’d just been misled:
“When I boasted, ‘You know,
I still blow like a pro,’
I was not at all proffering head.”

Will T. Laughlin:

The French executioner said,
As he mopped up a puddle of red:
“Madame Guillotine
May be wicked and mean,
But she really knows how to give head!”

Randolph Wagner:

An heiress flirtatiously said,
“All philanthropy starts in one’s bed.”
When she found a poor knave,
She indulgently gave
Him the shirt off her back and great head.

Jane Hoffman:

To lose weight, buy just one lettuce head
And with it eat one slice of bread.
That’s it for the day.
You’ll love what you weigh,
But you’ll never again feel well-fed!

Dave Johnson:

The madame quite proudly has said
“My ladies were properly bred.
Attentive and smart,
They’re well versed in the art
Of giving while getting ahead.”

Suzanne Heymann:

Do you suffer night terrors in bed?
And believe something’s wrong in your head?
Here’s a cure – sex and booze
And don’t stop! The good news?
You will probably snooze or drop dead.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GLASSES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

I am fed up with Hollywood lasses
Who are “plain” ’til they take off their glasses;
Put that in your script,
And you ought to be shipped
To remedial screenwriting classes.

Brian Allgar:

Said the Donald, “I’m YUGE! It surpasses
The cock of your dreams! It outclasses – ”
The hooker said “Yes,
But to find it, I guess
That I’ll just have to put on my glasses.”

Sharon Neeman:

My near-sighted, shy friend Bill Shear
Solved both of his problems this year:
He got three different glasses
For meeting with lasses —
Martini, Old-Fashioned and beer.

Fred Bortz:

The rat was a pervert whose passes
Made friends think he needed new glasses.
He pursued the wrong genus–
Declared, “For my penis,
There’s nothing as sweet as mole asses.”

Tim James:

A fellow once said with a frown:
“Wearing specs makes me look like a clown;
Besides, you can tell
I see perfectly well…”
…Then walked into a door, and fell down.

Dave Johnson:

Fox News – where they sit on their asses
And blather voluminous gasses.
Each morning they’ll drool
Over Donald Trump’s rule
With a pile that would steam up your glasses.

Will T. Laughlin:

As nice as things tend to appear
Through rose-colored glasses, I fear
That it’s time to dispose
Of those glasses of rose,
And replace them with glasses of BEER.

Dave Johnson:

With Lasik, I wanted to boast
Great vision – much better than most.
It was that way indeed;
But now I’ve a need
For readers when writing this post.

Bruce Niedt:

Guys never make serious passes
(Goes the saying) at girls who wear glasses.
Said one spectacled cutie,
“They can’t see my beauty –
Their heads are all up in their asses!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (281)

Saturday, September 16th, 2017

At long last (after a lengthy wrist surgery-related hiatus) it’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARTY GERENDASY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

It used to be great fun to fly,
Soaring thousands of feet in the sky.
But now flying’s a pain,
So I’ll get there by train.
You can say I’m a well-grounded guy.

Congratulations to JEANINE E. SILVERIO, who wins the Special GARDEN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

In his hut next to Chatterley’s garden,
Lady C made her lover’s cock harden.
Flowers twined round his shaft,
In he thrust – fore and aft
(Which was painful until they put lard in.)

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special DOCTOR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A hospital patient named Phil
Thought he’d give the new intern a thrill.
He hoisted his gown,
And she said with a frown:
“That poor little guy caught a chill.”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SUMMER-FUN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Where to go on vacation? I choose
To go off on a long ocean cruise.
With the news from D.C.,
It’s important to me
To have access to plenty of booze.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CAFFEINE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A guy paid for hookers and blow
’Cause he craved stimulation. And so,
His heart was so stressed
It blew up in his chest.
Use caffeine. It’s the safe way to go.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Dave Johnson, Marty Gerendasy, Judith H. Block, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GARDENING LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“They eat all my plants,” my wife wails,
And leave horrible slithery trails!”
Though the bindweed’s a pain,
I am hoping to train
It to strangle those pestilent snails.

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DOCTOR LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

Oh, how I do wish I could train
My MD to be kind and not vain!
Why is it that vets
Who look after our pets
Are gentler and far more humane?

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SUMMER FUN LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DOCTOR LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

Young lovers were taking a chance
In the woods for some outdoor romance.
The location they chose
For doffing their clothes
Had lots of green three-leafy plants.

The result was a terrible mess;
A dilemma they had to confess.
Poison Oak left its traces
In various places
Physicians would have to address.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TRAIN” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

In a formal, she thought she could “pass”
And convince her new date she had class —
But it all proved in vain
When she tripped on her train,
Tore her skirt, and revealed her sad ass.

Dave Johnson:

Refusing to fly in a plane,
They boarded a cross-country train.
As it rolled through the states,
They had meals on real plates
And arrived both refreshed and still sane.

Brian Allgar:

He discovered it’s wise to abstain
From blowjobs while flying a plane;
When turbulence hit,
He was violently bit.
The ex-pilot’s now driving a train.

Marty Gerendasy:

Makes no difference how hard I might train,
My old dog won’t go out in the rain.
She’ll start out and then stop
When she sees that first drop.
Which explains why the rug has a stain.

Dave Johnson:

Pelosi and Schumer will train
Their sights on a deal to remain
In the loop and survive;
As they manage to drive
McConnell and Ryan insane.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GARDENING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Judith H. Block:

A rake who could make women glow
Took up gardening, started to sow,
And was rather amused
That his friend was confused
When he said that he wanted a hoe.

Dave Johnson:

Here’s gardening tip Number One:
Make sure all the implements run.
If your tiller goes down,
Don’t grumble and frown;
A go with a hoe might be fun.

Tim James:

He dons a large hat and his jeans,
Then heads out to attend to his greens.
But his veggies all die
And it’s obvious why:
About gard’ning he doesn’t know beans.

Kirk Miller:

“I’ve been hoeing the garden,” said Kirk.
“It’s important that I never shirk
This foundational task.”
“It’s important?” you ask.
“Well of course, it is groundbreaking work.”

Brian Allgar:

A garden enthusiast, Fred,
Dismembered his wife in the shed
With a circular saw,
Then his mother-in-law,
And planted them both in the bed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOCTOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Suzanne Heymann:

You’re hoping the surgeon you’re stuck with
Is someone you won’t need to muck with.
If the doc leaves you worse’n
You thought, and you’re cursin’,
He picked the wrong person to fuck with!

Brian Allgar:

My doctor is sadly now late;
The booze and the cigs sealed his fate.
Oh, what was he thinking,
The smoking and drinking?
He’d only just turned ninety-eight.

Dave Johnson’s “Scenes from a medical convention:”

Podiatrists rise to their feet;
Cardiologists won’t skip a beat.
A surgeon explains
His practice takes brains;
Proctologists grab a rear seat.

David Reddekopp:

Trump’s cabinet takes his directions.
His party? It makes no objections.
But what’s really a laugh
Is the doctors on staff
Only know how to doctor elections.

Dave Johnson:

When Donald Trump’s angry and bitter,
His answer is whining on Twitter.
Some doctors would say
“He’s just wired that way…”
I’d say he requires a sitter.

Tim James:

Said the doctor to Madeleine Kane:
“Fits of anger you need to restrain.
It’s a pain in the rump
Watching Fox fluffing Trump.
Punch your screen, though? Next time, please refrain.”

David Reddekopp:

To a crummy old clinic she’d come.
Said the doctor: “What’s wrong? You look glum.”
But the last word was missed
When she said, “My bum wrist.”
And the doctor then checked out her bum.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SUMMER FUN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

A beach in the summer can be
One place to feel totally free.
But some show their wrongs
In Speedos and thongs;
We try, but just cannot unsee.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!