UPDATE: NEW SUBMISSION DEADLINE – November 9, 2019. Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LOCK at the end of any one line

UPDATE: NEW SUBMISSION DEADLINE – NOVEMBER 9, 2019, due to family health issues.

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using LOCK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to JAZZ, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best JAZZ-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on November 10, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 9, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my LOCK-rhyme limerick:

Politicians take actions that shock.
On stupidity, most have a lock.
But there’s one saving grace
In their steep downward race:
They at least give us something to mock.

And here’s my JAZZ-themed limerick:

A businessman, stodgy and bland,
Had a second career in a band.
He’d unwind, legs astride
His piano bench, wide,
Playing stride on an old baby grand.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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140 Responses to “UPDATE: NEW SUBMISSION DEADLINE – November 9, 2019. Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LOCK at the end of any one line”

  1. Dee Hyrkas says:

    I’m endlessly watching the clock.
    Time goes slow here on “The Rock. ”
    I exercise each day.
    I make each moment pay.
    When my strength peaks, I’ll pick the lock.

  2. Dee Hyrkas says:

    There is a famed monster in the loch.
    “Nessie”, reads the name tag in her sock.
    Folks come from far away
    to watch her splash and play.
    I met her when I slipped on the dock.

  3. While on a long trip to Bangkok
    They damaged my suitcase’s lock
    And the excuser’s credentials
    Left out many essentials
    It was–pure and simply–just shlock!

  4. Listening in on a jazz Open Mic
    There was more to dislike than to like!
    I usually hum
    Something great, when I come
    But this concert was just —workmanlike!

  5. Lisi Nortman says:

    I admit I was clearly in shock
    When my co-worker started to mock
    me; I said, “Wanna fight?”
    She said, “You got that right”
    Then we brought on the mighty Caps Lock

  6. Lisi Nortman says:

    Oh jazz is so great, Man, don’t sweat it!
    Just catch some; you sure won’t regret it!
    You must focus and listen
    To the notes that are missin’
    And that’s why it’s really cool. Get it?

  7. Lisi Nortman says:

    That guitarist, oh wow! could he strum
    The percussionist, he sure could “drum”
    But even though jazz
    Has fantastic pizzazz
    It still makes most folks feel real dumb

  8. Dave Johnson says:

    Some idiots started to razz
    Steve Miller for turning to jazz.
    His “Born 2B Blue”
    Is so cool through and through;
    Done better than anyone has.

  9. David Friedman says:

    “Guinevere,” Lance said in shock,
    “This chastity belt thing’s a crock!
    For why such attire
    When each knight and squire
    Has got his own key to the lock?!”

  10. Judith H. Block says:

    On my door, I’ve got a really big lock.
    Am I paranoid? That’s quite a crock.
    I’ve also got a gun,
    My aim’s second to none,
    Someone breaks in, they’re in for a shock.

  11. David Friedman says:

    The harsh Scottish winter nights shock
    They freeze Nessie hard as a rock
    She’s frozen that way
    Until early May
    But that’s just one tale of hard loch.

  12. David Friedman says:

    A Scottish mouse sat on a dock
    Licking his balls by the loch
    He said, “It’s no joke —
    I’ve nuts cured in oak
    And a hickory dickory cock!”

  13. Mike Rice says:

    There was so much blather and talk
    By Trump that his wall was a lock
    He claimed Mexico would pay
    But Ukraine’s now in the way
    It’s Trump who’ll pay for this crock!

  14. John Shardlow says:

    Our Mary, a Queen and a Scot
    Condemned with her head on the block
    Her hair used to be copper
    But three strokes of the chopper
    From her head, there fell just a lock

  15. Dee Hyrkas says:

    The tired porn star sat in the loch.
    He was cooling his overworked c*ck.
    Then Nessie showed up
    and wanted to shtup.
    He obliged… he was still on the clock.

  16. Dee Hyrkas says:

    Caroline stood on the dock.
    She dipped her toes in the loch.
    Her foot probed the murk.
    She felt a sharp jerk.
    Nessie pulled off her sock.

  17. Dee Hyrkas says:

    Make that “Nessie had pulled off her sock.”

  18. Dee Hyrkas says:

    I’m California’s guest on “The Rock”.
    I wince as the key turns in the lock.
    I hear a ticking sound.
    The last guy left it wound.
    From now on, it’s me and that damn clock.

  19. David Reddekopp says:

    The president boasts, “Man, I rock!
    My victory next year’s a lock.
    Of this I’ve no doubt –
    I’ll win in a rout!
    This I swear by my fifteen -inch cock.”

  20. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mr. Wee Bear was surely in shock
    Cried his eyes out way down by the dock
    His porridge was gone
    He just couldn’t go on
    All because of this bitch Goldie Locke

  21. Lisi Nortman says:

    The night that I met my “hulk” Maxie
    We smooched in the back of a taxi
    He’s the “King Of All Jazz”
    Plays his horn with pizzazz
    I guess that’s what makes him so saxxy

  22. Lisi Nortman says:

    My friend, Susie, ’bout jazz, knows it ALL
    She loves jiving and sure has a ball
    Can recite all the greats
    (And her fav’rite, she states)
    Is a man called Pajama Ja Mall

  23. Dave Johnson says:

    We know every word is a crock;
    Our great institutions he’ll mock.
    His office disgraced,
    Let’s just hope he is placed
    Behind a steel door they can lock.

  24. Neil Hood says:

    While taking my mid morning walks
    I mused about Trumps ranted talks
    I’ve had a revelation
    When he talks to his nation
    all reply “All shit Sherlock”

  25. Roger Haugen says:

    Groaned Raul to the old Cuban doc,
    “What’s causing my stomach to lock?”
    The man poked and prodded,
    Then solemnly nodded,
    “It’s a Castro-intestinal block.”

  26. Roger Haugen says:

    What’s great about music called Jazz
    Is what the art hasn’t–and has:
    No thunderous din
    For ears made of tin;
    Just rhythmic/harmonic pizazz.

  27. Dave Johnson says:

    The singer, a drummer and bass,
    Recorded with smoldering grace.
    It didn’t take long;
    Peggy Lee’s biggest song
    Took off at a Feverish pace.

  28. Lisi Nortman says:

    These lim’riks: OH MY! They sure rock!
    Goodness Gracious! How some of them shock!
    Everyone wants the prize
    We are growing in size
    And becoming just so “CHOC-AB-LOCK”

  29. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: above limerick L5 I missed one letter and meant to type
    “CHOCK-AB-LOCK”
    Could you please add the K for me?

    Thank You, Lisi

  30. Dave Johnson says:

    Ray Charles had just started to play;
    His Wurlitzer joining the fray.
    Those opening sounds
    Now as then still astounds
    When we get to hear “What’d I say”.

  31. John Shardlow says:

    The prisoner has just left the dock
    Now under the key and the lock
    He made a sensation
    On Grand Central Station
    By exposing and waving his cock

  32. Lisi Nortman says:

    Can’t figure just where jazz belongs
    Cuz I’ve noticed just so many “wrongs”
    It seems such a crime
    That all at one time
    The musicians all play different songs

  33. Lisi Nortman says:

    New Orleans correction pronunciation: New OR-LINZ
    (especially if you want the locals to understand you) Therefore:

    New Orleans is known for its jazz
    It’s a city with such wild pizzazz
    And besides all its raz
    In addition it has
    And abundance of real cool ma tazz

  34. Lisi Nortman says:

    improvement: not using same words twice

    I cannot figure where jazz belongs
    Cause I’ve noticed just so many “wrongs”
    It seems such a crime
    That at the same time
    The musicians all play different songs

  35. Lisi Nortman says:

    My Irving was surely in shock
    No wonder I heard a loud knock
    Cause I got all new keys
    Now I do as I please
    And I’m happily out of wed-lock

  36. Jean McEwen says:

    OK, now that your biological clock
    Is through ticking, there’s no need to lock
    Your legs quite so tightly.
    So might I politely
    Request that you service my cock?

  37. Jean McEwen says:

    While some jazz buffs get into a tizzy
    Over bebop and swing, I think Dizzy
    Gillespie is King
    And Glenn Miller’s the Thing!
    (Yes, it’s true: I still drive a Tin Lizzie.)

  38. Lisi Nortman says:

    All music has something that’s new
    And we’ve all diff’rent tastes, that is true
    But jazz is unique
    For its special technique
    Which is called “do be do do be do”

  39. Lisi Nortman says:

    Dave Brubeck was just so ALIVE!
    To his music, we all loved to jive
    With our money in tow
    To Sam Goody’s we’d go
    Get his records; we kids all took 5

    (For those not living in The States: L4 “To the store we would go”)

  40. Lisi Nortman says:

    Chicago has cool razz ma tazz
    It’s a city with real wild pizzazz
    You’ll see parks, Brookfield Zoo
    Sears Tower’s great view
    Great museums, “The Lake” (“All That Jazz”)

  41. Lisi Nortman says:

    Most jazz is a real variation
    Of blues and a “swing syncopation”
    But what sets it apart
    Is truly the art
    Of “Free-Forming Improvisation”

  42. David Friedman says:

    “I find,” said a woman named Liz,
    “With semen, my hair doesn’t frizz —“
    Oh damn! You said ‘jazz’?
    I wrote it down as
    You wanted to hear about jizz!

  43. Lisi Nortman says:

    Another Tribute To The Great One

    Still groovin’ although he was blind
    This man was sure one of a kind
    Just none could compare
    To that brilliant despair
    When Georgia was still on his mind

  44. Lisi Nortman says:

    (above limerick modified to make more sense)

    Still groovin’ although he was blind
    He was certainly one of a kind
    Not a thing could compare
    To his brilliant despair
    When Georgia was still on his mind

  45. Valerie Fish says:

    Razzle dazzled by glamour and glitz,
    And sexy Oscar winning outfits
    Plenty of pizazz
    And all that jazz
    What’s more, gorgeous Gere had me transfixed
    Edit or delete this

  46. Valerie Fish says:

    Little Bo Beep has lost her flock
    They’ve escaped and run amok
    Now she has to wait
    By the wooden gate
    That she’d forgotten to lock

  47. David Friedman says:

    Tony’s poor lady in court
    Said, as she turned with a snort,
    “You have to say ‘damn’ a lot
    Living in Camelot,
    Where all the knights are cut short!”

    [just for fun]

  48. Tony Holmes says:

    David, please imagine that this is a winking, smiley-faced emoji.

  49. John Shardlow says:

    From the forest, a logger called Paul
    Let out a scream and a call
    After missing his hack
    What rolled from that ‘jack’?
    Alas it’s the Woodchoppers Ball

  50. Tony Holmes says:

    The End – But slightly improved.

    ‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
    Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
    ‘Now you’re back from crusade,
    I’m quite keen to get laid.’
    “Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”

    “Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
    When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
    But my bladder was weak,
    I stepped out for a leak;
    Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”

    ‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
    With your coming, I burst into song.
    But you’ve done derring deeds,
    With no thought for my needs;
    To return thus, you do me great wrong.’

    “Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
    You are just, but I’m still very sore.
    It’s the nature of things –
    And believe me, it stings;
    On the bright side, I evened the score.”

    ‘ON THE BRIGHT SIDE? Cut off in MY prime!
    Must my lord now add insult to crime?
    Pray, my liege, thinks thy thrust
    Squares betrayal of trust?’
    “Well, it certainly helped at the time.”

    ‘So, milord, what becomes of us now –
    Now that you are but steer to my cow?
    Like a lute never played,
    Must I die an old maid?
    Fallow land never put to the plough?’

    “Put like that, yes, the future seems dire;
    But methinks if I get me a squire …
    Though ‘twould seem too bourgeois,
    Would a ménage à trois …?”
    ‘Just ensure he don’t easily tire.’

    And for those inclined to be strict; yes, I know it should be heifer, but you try getting it to rhyme. LOL

  51. Lisi Nortman says:

    A Meter Correction:

    Oh, jazz, Man, is so cool; don’t sweat it
    Just catch some; you sure won’t regret it
    If you focus and listen
    To the notes that are missin’
    You’ll love it and no longer fret it

  52. Tony Holmes says:

    ‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
    Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
    ‘Now you’re back from crusade,
    I’m quite keen to get laid.’
    “Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”

    “Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
    When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
    But my bladder was weak,
    I stepped out for a leak …
    Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”

    ‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
    With your coming, I burst into song.
    But you’ve done derring deeds,
    With no thought for my needs;
    To return thus, you do me great wrong.’

    “Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
    You are just, but I’m still very sore.
    It’s the nature of things –
    And believe me, it stings;
    On the bright side, I evened the score.”

    ‘ON THE BRIGHT SIDE? Cut off in MY prime!
    Must my lord now add insult to crime?
    Pray, my liege, thinks thy thrust
    Squares betrayal of trust?’
    “Well, it certainly helped at the time.”

    ‘So, milord, what becomes of us now –
    Now that you are but steer to my cow?
    Like a lute never played,
    Must I die an old maid?
    Fallow land never put to the plough?’

    “Put like that, yes, the future seems dire;
    But methinks if I get me a squire …
    Though ‘twould seem too bourgeois,
    Would a ménage à trois …?”
    ‘Just be sure he don’t easily tire.’

    End Note: ?

    ‘To all ladies in similar straits,
    Who’ve known loss at the whim of The Fates,
    Seek your solace in Jazz.
    With its cool razzmatazz,
    It might soothe till the itching abates.’

  53. Tony Holmes says:

    Sorry! Blame it on Thalia.

    ‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
    Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
    ‘Now you’re back from crusade,
    I’m quite keen to get laid.’
    “Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”

    “Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
    When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
    But my bladder was weak,
    I stepped out for a leak …
    Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”

    ‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
    With your coming, I burst into song.
    But you’ve done derring deeds,
    With no thought for my needs;
    To return thus, you do me great wrong.’

    “Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
    You are just, but I’m still very sore.
    It’s the nature of things –
    And believe me, it stings;
    On the bright side, I evened the score.”

    ‘ON THE BRIGHT SIDE? Cut off in MY prime!
    Must my lord now add insult to crime?
    Pray, my liege, thinks thy thrust
    Squares betrayal of trust?’
    “Well, it certainly helped at the time.”

    ‘So, milord, what becomes of us now –
    Now that you are but steer to my cow?
    Like a lute never played,
    Must I die an old maid?
    Fallow land never put to the plough?’

    ‘Know, my lord, that I’m mightily miffed –
    To be thwarted and not to get stiffed.
    I will keep you apprised,
    But, please, don’t be surprised,
    If, in time, this should lead to a rift.’

    “Put like that, yes, the future seems dire;
    But methinks if I get me a squire …
    Though ‘twould seem too bourgeois,
    Would a ménage à trois …?”
    ‘Just be sure he don’t easily tire.’

    End Note: ?

    ‘To all ladies in similar straits,
    Who’ve known loss at the whim of The Fates,
    Seek your solace in Jazz.
    With its cool razzmatazz,
    It might soothe till the itching abates.’

  54. Tony Holmes says:

    Changed it again, so no worry, Mad.

    ‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
    Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
    ‘Now you’re back from crusade,
    I’m quite keen to get laid.’
    “Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”

    “Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
    When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
    But my bladder was weak,
    I stepped out for a leak …
    Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”

    ‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
    With your coming, I burst into song.
    But you’ve done derring deeds,
    With no thought for my needs;
    To return thus, you do me great wrong.’

    “Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
    You are just, but I’m still very sore.
    It’s the nature of things –
    And believe me, it stings;
    On the bright side, I evened the score.”

    ‘ON THE BRIGHT SIDE? Cut off in MY prime!
    Must my lord now add insult to crime?
    Pray, my liege, thinks thy thrust
    Squares betrayal of trust?’
    “Well, it certainly helped at the time.”

    ‘So, milord, what becomes of us now –
    Now that you are but steer to my cow?
    Like a lute never played,
    Must I die an old maid?
    Fallow land never put to the plough?’

    ‘Know, my lord, that I’m mightily miffed –
    To be thwarted and not to get stiffed.
    I will keep you apprised,
    But, please, don’t be surprised,
    If, in time, this should lead to a rift.’

    “Put like that, yes, the future seems dire;
    But methinks if I get me a squire …
    Though ‘twould seem too bourgeois,
    Would a ménage à trois …?”
    ‘Just be sure he don’t easily tire.’

  55. Tony Holmes says:

    Forgot the last stanza.

    ‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
    Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
    ‘Now you’re back from crusade,
    I’m quite keen to get laid.’
    “Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”

    “Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
    When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
    But my bladder was weak,
    I stepped out for a leak …
    Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”

    ‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
    With your coming, I burst into song.
    But you’ve done derring deeds,
    With no thought for my needs;
    To return thus, you do me great wrong.’

    “Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
    You are just, but I’m still very sore.
    It’s the nature of things –
    And believe me, it stings;
    On the bright side, I evened the score.”

    ‘ON THE BRIGHT SIDE? Cut off in MY prime!
    Must my lord now add insult to crime?
    Pray, my liege, thinks thy thrust
    Squares betrayal of trust?’
    “Well, it certainly helped at the time.”

    ‘So, milord, what becomes of us now –
    Now that you are but steer to my cow?
    Like a lute never played,
    Must I die an old maid?
    Fallow land never put to the plough?’

    ‘Know, my lord, that I’m mightily miffed –
    To be thwarted and not to get stiffed.
    I will keep you apprised,
    But, please, don’t be surprised,
    If, in time, this should lead to a rift.’

    “Put like that, yes, the future seems dire;
    But methinks if I get me a squire …
    Though ‘twould seem too bourgeois,
    Would a ménage à trois …?”
    ‘Just be sure he don’t easily tire.’

    End Note: ?

    ‘To all ladies in similar straits,
    Who are feeling ill used by The Fates,
    Seek your solace in Jazz.
    With its cool razzmatazz,
    It might soothe till the itching abates.’

  56. John Shardlow says:

    Rapunzel, just let down a lock
    But this may come as a shock
    The Prince is obese
    Your scalp will release
    Save your hair and slide down his cock

  57. Tim James says:

    A man by the name of John Locke
    Had a notion that came as a shock:
    Ev’ry person has worth
    That’s inherent at birth.
    Sadly, Trumpists think that’s all a crock.

  58. Tony Holmes says:

    ‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
    Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
    ‘Now you’re back from crusade,
    I’m quite keen to get laid.’
    “Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”

    “Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
    When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
    But my bladder was weak,
    I stepped out for a leak …
    Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”

    ‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
    With your coming, I burst into song.
    But you’ve done derring deeds,
    With no thought for my needs;
    To return thus, you do me great wrong.’

    “Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
    You are just, but I’m still very sore.
    It’s the nature of things –
    And believe me, it stings;
    On the bright side, I evened the score.”

    ‘ON THE BRIGHT SIDE? Cut off in MY prime!
    Must my lord now add insult to crime?
    Pray, my liege, thinks thy thrust
    Squares betrayal of trust?’
    “Well, it certainly helped at the time.”

    ‘So, milord, what becomes of us now –
    Now that you are but steer to my cow?
    Like a lute never played,
    Must I die an old maid?
    Fallow land never put to the plough?’

    ‘Know, my lord, I feel mightily miffed –
    As might you if you couldn’t get stiffed.
    I will keep you apprised,
    But, please, don’t be surprised,
    If, in time, this should lead to a rift.’

    “Put like that, yes, the future seems dire;
    But methinks if I get me a squire …
    Though ‘twould seem too bourgeois,
    Would a ménage à trois …?”
    ‘Just be sure he don’t easily tire.’

    End Note: ?

    ‘To all ladies in similar straits,
    Who are feeling ill used by The Fates,
    Seek your solace in Jazz.
    With its cool razzmatazz,
    It might soothe till the itching abates.’

  59. Lisi Nortman says:

    This basketball team has pizzazz
    All sports lovers know that it has
    A great shooting guard
    (This position is hard)
    It’s the bouncy and cool Utah Jazz

  60. Lisi Nortman says:

    When you tour with your troupe, (till you’re through,)
    The entire time you will feel blue
    Even though you love jazz
    Cause it has such pizzazz
    It’ll feel like a traveling zoo

  61. Lisi Nortman says:

    (an actual slang jazz term)

    Our guitarist is one cool humdinger
    And also he sure is a swinger
    He strums just so fast
    That we all are aghast
    We call him our “Great Zinger Finger”

  62. Daisy Ward says:

    A man walking the streets was knock
    In the head with a very large clock
    He rushed home so fast
    Footprints left in the grass
    Sealed the door then attached a giant lock

  63. Daisy Ward says:

    The drummer marched in a band
    Saw music symbols in his hand
    He starts to play off key
    Playing off what he could see
    Cheered on, thinking he was the man

  64. Suzanne Heymann says:

    I cannot find the key to the lock
    Of my brain’s creativity stock
    My gray matter’s right half
    Is obstructed (don’t laugh!)
    So I think I must have writer’s block!

  65. Suzanne Heymann says:

    The privilege which my cat has
    Is to watch me dance gayly to jazz
    I’ll let no one else spy
    Just how terribly I
    Move about, like I’m having a spaz.

  66. Lisi Nortman says:

    another version of John Shardlow’s “Rapunzel”

    Rapunzel just went into shock
    When she heard an extremely loud knock!
    She was getting a perm
    Which made the prince squirm
    But politely, she sent down a lock

  67. Tim Gray says:

    “M’Lady. I’m off to Crusade
    Wear this chastity belt I’ve had made.
    You’ll be safe round the clock
    Neath this strong mortice lock
    And I’ll not fear you’ve been waylaid.”

    “I’m back from the wars, mighty sad;
    A terrible disaster I’ve had.
    By a Gibraltar-side dock
    I dropped the key to the lock
    In the tide. Oh how I feel bad.”

    “The chastity belt, woe is me,
    When will I ever get free?”
    Said the Jester, “That lock,
    I don’t mean to shock,
    But I have a duplicate key.”

  68. Bill Pfeil says:

    To a bar went notes C, E-flat, G.
    “Please give us your finest whis-key.”
    The bar maid was clear,
    “No minors served here.”
    So G shared a fifth with friend C.

  69. Tim James says:

    New Orleans now no longer has
    The basketball team called the Jazz.
    They’re in Utah. Just where
    Is there less jazz than there?
    That’s a choice made by some horse’s azz.

  70. Tony Holmes says:

    Ye Olde Advertisement

    Noble Knights: Far away on crusade?
    Sleepless Knights: What if uxor has strayed?
    Peace Of Mind: Here, in stock!
    Complete: Belt, key and lock.
    Happy Knights: Since all fretting’s allayed.

  71. Tony Holmes says:

    Ye Olde Advertisement: The Second

    Special discount: Crusaders: en bloc:
    Peace of mind: Out of sight beneath frock.
    If their virtue’s in doubt,
    Give our locksmith a shout,
    And he’ll soon have them safe under lock.

  72. Trump’s allies once giggled with glee
    on ways he would jail Hillary.
    Now post-Ukraine crock,
    they cry, “Now who to lock?!?”
    up jumps Trump to yell, “Anyone but Meeee!”

  73. Tony Holmes says:

    Ye Blowe Fore Ye Ladies Rightes

    ‘’If I were a lady, I think
    I would kick up one helluva stink!
    To put ME under lock
    Lest I cuckold my jock …
    Little wonder I’m seeing a shrink.’

  74. Lisi Nortman says:

    Insomnia

    Couldn’t sleep, so the door I did lock
    Didn’t work, so I walked ’round the block
    Ev’ry night I would cry
    Until finally I
    Threw away my circadian clock

  75. Fred Bortz says:

    In a very conservative nation
    Where musical improvisation
    Is viewed with disdain,
    Playing jazz leads to pain
    From a sentence of defenestration.

  76. Fred Bortz says:

    A trip to the dark side.

    Every night at eleven o’clock
    Her master would come to unlock
    Her chastity belt,
    And the next thing she felt
    Was the thrust and the throb of his cock.

  77. Tim Gray says:

    I’ve got my trusty Glock
    With custom grip and lock.
    I’m off to the mall
    Where none will forstall
    The shoppers’ nasty shock.

    I was ridiculed at school
    And all the other kids were cruel
    About my speaking block,
    As my tongue would lock,
    They called me, “A dumb-ass mule”.

    I’ve been as lambasted as anyone has
    And I’m fed up with all of that jazz
    So they’ll get their come-up
    When I run amok
    And indulge in a well earned spaz.

  78. David Friedman says:

    I said, “It is no paradox,”
    As I freed the poor hounds from their stocks
    “For think what you may,
    You did not hear me say
    That I’m fond of beagles in locks!”

  79. Lisi Nortman says:

    With jazz, you just lose your control
    It’s an art form we all should extol
    Because it’s unique
    Has a stylish technique
    And is played from the heart and the soul

  80. Lisi Nortman says:

    We swayed and we spun and we twirled
    We hopped and we bopped and we whirled
    Just danced with pizzazz
    To something called “jazz”
    (America’s gift to the world)

  81. Sharon Neeman says:

    He: “Let’s make like a shepherd!” I strained
    For his meaning; he laughed and explained
    As I opened the lock:
    “Yeah, let’s just get the flock
    Outta here!” I admit I looked pained.

    “There’s another like that one,” grinned he:
    “Hey, you’ll love it — ‘Let’s make like a tree…'”
    “And?” “And LEAVE!” he enthused.
    I replied, not amused:
    “YOU can leave! Just get out — without ME.”

  82. Caryn Luchetti says:

    There’s nothing more to want than a lock
    Of our dear president’s horrid frock
    No, not that drab gown
    But what tops that crown
    Appears a worthy snip for future hawk.

  83. John Armstrong says:

    Out the window the piano was pushed
    Keys jangling to the sidewalk it whooshed
    Their bets were all in
    On the dominant din
    When into the sidewalk it smooshed

  84. John Armstrong says:

    For years a trombone he did toot
    Some days reading the dots to boot
    His Waterloo came
    When his slide went lame
    Snagged on watch chain of zoot suit

  85. John Armstrong says:

    “Bird Lives” was scribbled on wall
    For the sax man who answered the call
    He blew those wild riffs
    Gave bebop tinged gifts
    To hep cats and beatniks and all

  86. John Armstrong says:

    Bebop a rebop: that’s scat
    As intoned by a fine righteous cat
    All words in the groove
    Behind the beat move
    What’s what, that’s it, that’s that

  87. John Armstrong says:

    Kerouac’s extemperaneous prose
    From Parker and Gillespie arose
    Riffing on a theme
    With words from a dream
    On the Road with Cassidy he goes

  88. Dave Johnson says:

    The door he’d forgotten to lock
    Swung open; no sound of a knock.
    Just barely inside,
    She began to deride
    Their music – smooth jazz from a clock.

  89. Tim James says:

    An apparel firm pumped up their stock:
    “It’ll double in price! It’s a lock!
    Our source of success is
    Our fine women’s dresses!”
    The truth is, I don’t give a frock.

  90. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction of rhyming error (Oct. 22, 11:59 AM)

    We swayed and we spun and we twirled
    We hopped and we bopped and we swirled
    We danced with pizzazz!
    To something called jazz
    (America’s gift to the world)

  91. Lisi Nortman says:

    You might want to have a supply
    Of narcotics that you’d like to try
    But in lieu of regrets
    Get a taste of Stan Getz
    Cuz jazz is safe kinda’ high

  92. Lisi Nortman says:

    Calm down, my dear friend, just relax
    Not ev’ry one reaches the max
    You must understand
    That in this jazzy band
    Only cool people play alto sax

  93. Lisi Nortman says:

    Do you wanna’ play jazz? Just Persist!
    Here’s advice that just can’t be dismissed:
    Get a keyboard that’s cool
    And then follow this rule:
    Punch it hard, while you’re balling your fist

  94. Tim Gray says:

    On our way through the Suez,
    Having a wonderful cruies*,
    Caused by some block
    We got stuck in a lock…
    To blame? I don’t know who is.

    *Intentional misspelling in order to rhyme.

  95. Tim Gray says:

    To Kirk, a message from Spock,
    I’m trapped here in the air lock.
    Communicator is wrought,
    I’ll commune by my thought,
    I just hope there’s no mental block.

  96. Brian Allgar says:

    (Wishful thinking)

    2020! It came as a shock
    To poor Donald, who stood in the dock.
    20/20 – the reason?
    For fraud and for treason …
    The key would soon turn in the lock.

  97. Brian Allgar says:

    The voters, a gullible flock,
    Had swallowed unthinkingly, lock,
    Stock, and barrel, that guy’s
    Endless boasting and lies –
    Including the size of his cock.

  98. madkane says:

    UPDATE: NEW SUBMISSION DEADLINE – NOVEMBER 9, 2019, due to family health issues.

    Sorry!

  99. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    10-26-2019 “lock” submission

    A rooster opposed to foul talk,
    might say “cluck!” if you called him a cock,
    but he’ll always be quick
    should you call him a dick
    to remind you his name is “Buh-lock!”

  100. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    what is “moderation”? Fix the misspellings?

    A rooster opposed to foul talk,
    might say “CLUCK!” if you call him a cock.
    But he’ll always be quick
    should you call him a dick
    to remind you his name is “BUH-LOCK!”

  101. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Jazz submission 10-27-2019

    He had his performance down pat,
    but Puccini, this time, left him flat,
    and since “How High the Moon”
    was his favorite tune,
    he sang “Nessun dorma” in scat.

  102. Lisi Nortman says:

    This jazz band is cool: I can DO IT!
    AH CHOO! Something told me I blew it!
    Cuz I started to sneeze
    Then hit all the wrong keys
    (For some reason, nobody knew it)

  103. Suzanne Heymann says:

    (true story)

    In the town where I live, there’s a gal
    Whose songs put you under a spell
    The title she has
    Is “First Lady of Jazz”
    She is Diana Krall, music belle.

  104. Suzanne Heymann says:

    (not a true story)

    My work’s low pay put me in hock
    So I found a new job on my block.
    I earn a good penny
    Opened doors for me (many!)
    I now can pick anyone’s lock.

  105. Suzanne Heymann says:

    (true story)

    An Air Canada offshoot known as
    A little wee airline called “Jazz”
    Can’t fit legs or fit ass
    You can’t even pass gas
    It’s economy class, all it has.

    If you’re tiny, you won’t have to care
    Even though there ain’t much room to spare
    If you do pass some gas
    Folks would just choke en masse
    And try breaking the glass to get air.

  106. Suzanne Heymann says:

    (true story… or not? I’ll never tell)

    My house is a place I don’t lock.
    Any burglars are in for a shock.
    It’s booby-trapped well
    And a nightmarish hell
    They’ll get crushed by a cell concrete block!

  107. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A chastity belt with a lock
    Must be history’s nastiest crock.
    After all, they had both
    Exchanged vows, as in “oath”
    Well, bacteria growth brings a shock.

    Ban these chastity belts, folks (oh brother!)
    Worn by sister, wife, aunty and mother.
    Give the fellow a jock
    Made of steel with a lock
    So he cannot go knock up some other!

  108. Lisi Nortman says:

    Back In The Day: Reminiscing (acrostic)

    D id I do one mean Lindy Bop!
    A nd Charleston! (I just couldn’t stop)
    N ext I did Mambo
    C uz I just loved that combo
    E v’ry day to the jazz club, I’d hop

  109. Lisi Nortman says:

    better: as to not use “just” twice

    D id I do one mean Lindy Bop!
    A nd Charleston! (I just couldn’t stop)
    N ext I did Mambo
    C uz I sure loved that combo
    E v’ry day to the jazz club I’d hop

  110. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Benny” (acrostic)

    S he danced till she thought she would faint
    W onder why she had not ONE complaint?
    I mpressed with the leader
    N ancy prayed he would need ‘er
    G oodman’s Band rendered Nan no restraint

  111. Tim Gray says:

    “Epstein death more consistent with homicidal strangulation than suicide…”

    Convenient, now he is gone,
    What on earth could be wrong?
    In a security block
    Behind a strong lock
    He died! Now well get along.

  112. Tim Gray says:

    Sorry, missed apostrophe in we’ll.

  113. Tim Gray says:

    … suicide watch, high security prison…

    It’s much too jazzy by half,
    I really think I should laugh.
    Both the guards were asleep
    And VDU’s on the bleep…
    Do they really think we are daft?

  114. Lisi Nortman says:

    “The Jazz Ensemble Conductor Says” (acrostic)

    T he piece that you’re playing’s too SLOW
    E v’ry player should already know!
    M usic like jazz
    P layed with soul and pizzazz
    O pens minds to a heightened plateau

  115. Lisi Nortman says:

    (a minor correction) L2

    T he piece that you’re playing’s too SLOW
    E ‘vry one here should already know
    M usic like jazz
    P layed with soul and pizzazz
    O pens minds to a heightened plateau

  116. Lisi Nortman says:

    (acrostic)

    D iana was simply in shock
    I remember her quarrel with Brock
    A little white lie
    R oused his anger so high
    Y es, Diana neglected to lock

  117. Suzanne Heymann says:

    What am I?

    I have keys which don’t fit any lock
    I love classical, blues, jazz and rock.
    I do bass and soprano
    You ought to and can know
    I am a piano, you schlock!

  118. Suzanne Heymann says:

    One night, I undid my car’s lock
    Then I watched from afar like a hawk.
    Along came a robber
    I smiled, dripping slobber.
    With what did I clobber? A rock!

  119. Suzanne Heymann says:

    One night, I undid my car’s lock
    Then I watched from afar like a hawk.
    Along came a thief
    It’s my earnest belief
    I should give him relief with a rock.

  120. Suzanne Heymann says:

    One night, I undid my car’s lock
    And I hid in the back with a rock.
    A rapist came by,
    Tried to unzip my fly
    But he screamed after I crushed his jock.

  121. Lisi Nortman says:

    acrostic

    B onnie left me, I sadly must say
    L ove was here; in a flash, flew away
    U tter grief filled my heart
    E vermore we shall part
    S at and cried. Got in bed. Put on “Ray”

  122. Lisi Nortman says:

    “An Instrument Speaks” (acrostic)

    D exterity can’t be without me
    R hythmic feel is the essence about me
    U nique jazz is my thing
    M y specialty’s swing
    S o come hear the band. You won’t doubt me

  123. Lisi Nortman says:

    The above limerick should be titled “An Instrument Speaks” acrostic
    NOT “What Am I”

    Lines 3 and 4 don’t match that title

    (Mad: If you have a chance, could you change that for me?)
    Thank You, Lisi

    ********

    Done.

  124. Tim Gray says:

    I fought him with all of my might,
    And put up one hell of a fight.
    His punches I’d block
    And avoid his head lock…
    Phew for my karate at night!

  125. Lisi Nortman says:

    acrostic

    C ome and see the spectacular show
    O nly four of us play, but although
    M y sax is so fine
    B rass section’s divine
    O ur band is one knock ’em dead blow

  126. Suzanne Heymann says:

    I’ve a crush on that old Mr. Spock
    So I cut his hair – only a lock.
    It’s a nice souvenir
    I just swoon when he’s near
    Even more when I hear his voice talk.

    (I had an incurable crush on Mr. Spock as I grew up watching Star Trek. He rarely got any love scenes, but when he did, I just went nuts! Oh, how the folly of youth haunts us)

  127. Lisi Nortman says:

    With lim’riks, it’s fun to take stock
    You must work at them all ’round the clock
    They must be unique
    With a metered technique
    And humorous! (Then it’s a lock)

  128. Tony Holmes says:

    “Oh, relief! Only five days to go.
    Time ticks by but it’s ever so slow.
    When you’re picking at ‘Lock’ –
    Four whole weeks by the clock –
    It’s too many by half, don’t you know.”

    Mad, I apoligise for the apparent lack of sympathy. It is there, though, I assure you. You just have to read between the lines. LOL

  129. Lisi Nortman says:

    On Christmas, we’ll hear a loud knock
    From Aunt Gertrude, (then doors we shall lock)
    She’ll be standing with presents
    Intended for peasants
    Which she purchased at “Ooh La La Schlock”

  130. Lisi Nortman says:

    acrostic

    P leasing melody; known for its style
    I n a jazz band just so versatile
    A rhythmic addition
    N eat chord composition
    O ffbeat basslines that make people smile

  131. Dave Johnson says:

    No matter what young people say,
    Our age group has not gone astray.
    Their derision a lock
    As we run out the clock;
    Most Boomers agree – we’re O.K.

  132. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    “Delilah!” cried Samson in shock,
    “this haircut will make people gawk.”
    Then he tried to stand tall
    for his manhood and all,
    but went limp when she lopped the last lock.

  133. Lisi Nortman says:

    My parents neglected to lock
    Their door, right around 10 o’clock
    (Peeked in after their jog)
    They were playing leap frog
    Looked like fun. They sure know how to rock!

  134. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Whenever I realize the lock
    To my car is secured as I gawk
    On the seat where my keys
    Are just being a tease
    I just tense up and freeze from the shock.

    When the tow truck guy comes, picks my lock,
    I am wondering as I take stock,
    When his workday is done,
    He can rob anyone,
    Raid their car after punching the clock!

  135. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Oh-oh, I just realized my entire first stanza sounds incomplete. Could I (please and thank you, Mad) have Line 5 changed to:
    “I just tense up and freeze from the shock.”

    ****
    done.

  136. Lisi Nortman says:

    1960’s “Fusion Music” Miles Davis, Trumpeter And Innovator

    Jazzy music is played from the soul
    It’s an art form most people extol
    To make it more “kicky”
    Miles Davis got tricky
    And fused it with ‘ole rock and roll

  137. Lisi Nortman says:

    The New Jazz Age: 2019

    To find out if your jazz gig went well
    Here’s a sure-fire way you can tell:
    If nobody groans
    And they put down their phones
    Then you know it was horn-blowin’ swell

  138. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Art” (acrostic)

    T his “cat” was a genius, no doubt
    A nd here is what he was about
    T he piano; be-bop
    U nique ragtime, (non-stop)
    M usic stride fused with swing was his route

  139. madkane says:

    This Limerick-Off ends in just over three hours at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.

  140. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 333. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Pool.