Posts Tagged ‘Diane Groothuis’

Limerick-Off Award (325)

Saturday, June 29th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A pirate who died in Dakar
Lost his booty at cards in a bar.
Giving up all that loot
Made his chest pains acute.
Sadly, no one there knew CP arrrr.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special FARM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which is also a SALUTE-rhyme limerick:

Damn toxins get right to the root
And damage the veggies and fruit.
So on Earth Day we tried
To throw them aside,
And a worm gave a grateful salute.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Diane Groothuis, David Reddekopp, Tim James, Kirk Miller, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FARM LIMERICKS)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Las Vegas has riveting charm,
But it also can cause you much harm;
If you aren’t astute,
You can lose all your loot.
So remember: Don’t bet the whole farm!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE” RHYME DIVISION)

Diane Groothuis:

A flautist who played on a flute
And a lutenist playing a lute
Went busking one day,
But they lost all their pay
As the looter was much more astute.

David Reddekopp:

The prez is an ignorant brute,
An orangutan stuffed in a suit.
He, for all of his days
Seeks unwarranted praise,
But I’ll give the one-finger salute.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FARM LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Farmer Bob gave a new crop a try
When his cash flow went badly awry.
The results have been grand:
Now supply and demand
Keep his profits and customers high.

Kirk Miller:

From the past, U.S. farmers don’t learn.
Lots of topsoil’s eroded; they yearn
For rich, fertile soil
In which they can toil.
Lack of dirt is a growing concern.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The stampede of the cows caused him harm.
Then the pigs went and chewed off his arm.
From this horror he dropped,
Till his breathing had stopped.
(The old codger had bought the whole farm.)

David Friedman:

A horny cheese-farmer named Jay
Would shtup his poor cows every day.
The cows would start chewing
When he started spewing,
But it never did get in his whey.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (315)

Saturday, February 9th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I’m a pessimist. Let me explain,
So I don’t have to say it again:
In the tunnel, my friend
Is a light at the end –
Which belongs to an oncoming train.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special LIGHTING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

All was darkness. Then “Let there be light!”
Earth was formed, and the darkness took flight.
If in light we’re created
As Scripture has stated,
Then why isn’t Man very bright?

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special ACROSTIC Limerick Award, given occasionally to a clever acrostic limerick:

Please don’t be afraid on my plane.
It is safe. You’ll be fine. Just remain.
Leave the flying to me.
OFF WE GO! And you’ll see
That tomorrow, we’ll all be in Spain.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

What a marvelous thing is a dimmer!
On the days I feel older and grimmer,
I just turn it down low,
Make my wrinkles all go,
And look younger and slimmer and trimmer.

If there’s something to mend, fix or tie,
I can just turn the dimmer up high
And produce enough light
To set anything right
And ensure I’ll get by if I try.

Yes, the dimmer is grand altogether,
For both higher light levels and nether –
But I’d be more content
If kind souls would invent
Me a dimmer to tether the weather.

Congratulations to MARK KANE and DIANE GROOTHUIS, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Mark Kane:

Crammed in close, thigh to thigh on the plane,
With their will to abstain on the wain,
They soon met in the loo
For a slow urgent screw,
Then toasted their lust with champagne.

Diane Groothuis:

The passengers thought it was plain
That sobriety was on the wane
When they stood in the queue
To go to the loo,
Hearing corks popping, fizzing champagne.

Mark Kane:

They heard banging again and again,
As they waited inside to deplane.
And once out of wine,
With their lust in decline,
They were scared, so they chose to remain.

(Mark and Diane’s limerick exchange continued into several more verses. You can read the entire limerick repartee exchange here.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Judith H. Block, Fred Bortz and Val Fish. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO LIGHTING LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

Says Trump, “What’s that light in the sky?
It’s too bright, and I’m starting to fry.”
“It’s the sun,” they explain.
“That’s a lie! I maintain
That my son is no brighter than I.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

A fellow who lived in Champaign
(That’s a town on an Illinois plain)
Said, “This place ain’t all that.
It’s cold and it’s flat
Like my ex ― but costs less to maintain.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

La Guardia! Where is our plane?
We thought we were going to Spain!
We slept on the floor,
Heard obnoxious jerks snore.
Next vacation. To Disney. By train!

Tony Holmes:

All these people are boarding this train
For two weeks in the sunshine of Spain.
What they haven’t been told
Is it’s wet and it’s cold;
But that’s fine, cuz they like to complain.

Jane Hoffman says:

The cows have lined up to complain
That the bulls are too hard to restrain.
The cows want a pen
Without any men…
To give them a chance to abstain.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

We looked up at the sky. (Was it rain?)
It went fast, and our eyes felt a strain.
Was it Superman? NO!
Was it birds? (Not in snow.)
There it IS! Oh my GOD! It’s a PLANE!

Tim James:

A couple got onto a plane;
Airborne nookie they yearned to attain.
Neither one had a clue
How to screw in a loo.
So they winged it, to mutual gain.

Tony Holmes:

“Drunk again?” is her constant refrain.
She derides all attempts to explain.
It were better, I think,
To forswear further drink,
Than to suffer that woman’s disdain.

Tim James for his Acrostic:

It’s becoming increasingly plain:
Donald Trump’s so-called “very good brain”
Isn’t all it should be.
On the contrary, he
Tweets and rants like a man gone insane.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIGHTING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Soft music, dim lighting, and you…
You’re the love of my life. It is true,
When I see you, I’m dazed,”
Murmured Trump as he gazed
In the mirror, his favorite view.

Jean McEwen:

Thank goodness this room’s dimly lit
So my boyfriend can’t quite see the zit
On the tip of my nose
That through makeup still shows.
(If he saw it, then surely he’d split.)

Dave Johnson:

With agents and flashlights galore,
Now Roger is part of the score.
Since Mueller’s so near,
Trump just might need to fear
That 6 A.M. bang on the door.

Judith H. Block:

It seems that some guys need enlightening;
Their view is dismaying – needs brightening.
Beauty comes in all sizes.
They’re in for surprises;
Small gals can give pleasure quite heightening.

Fred Bortz:

The spotlights illumine the stage
Where the despot will soon stand and rage.
But the nation takes note,
And soon we will vote
That the time’s come to turn a new page.

Val Fish:

He’d attempted to set the right mood;
Soft music, the lighting subdued.
But it all went to pot
With chili, too hot;
Several trips to the toilet ensued.

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s shutdown is all about him
Kowtowing to fright-wingers’ whim.
Fed workers are stuck
All because of this schmuck,
Whose bulb runs no brighter than dim.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (314)

Saturday, January 19th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The pirates, a larcenous horde,
Took over while storming aboard.
A boat crew of nine
Bound together with twine
Held fast; they were all in a cord.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TREE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Said Trump to the hooker, “You’ll see
That my wood is the size of a tree!”
But when he was nude,
She said “Don’t think me rude –
It looks more like a bonsai to me.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN and FRED BORTZ. Each of them wins a special Limerick Saga Award, sometimes given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

Sharon Neeman:

Now we’re old, with bad joints and sore feet,
We find bus rides more bitter than sweet,
For we struggle to board
Or reach up for the cord,
And few youngsters will give us a seat.

Should we drive? No, that’s hardly a lark:
Trees take scary new shapes in the dark.
They cavort in the rain,
And it’s hard to explain
Why we hit one whenever we park.

Taking cabs is a strain on the purse,
Makes our budget and blood pressure worse –
No, I think we’ll stay in
Where it’s warm, play some gin,
Drink some scotch, and write crotchety verse.

Fred Bortz:

As hist’ry will sadly record,
A basket of those she deplored
Did Hillary in,
Giving Donald the win
With votes that could not be ignored.

His electoral victory scored;
He baited his bigoted horde
With alternate facts
That justified acts
Of hatred and evil, untoward.

There still may be time to reward
This land that we all have adored.
In the year twenty-twenty,
Let’s cast votes aplenty.
The outcome must not be encored.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Judith H. Block, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, John Shardlow, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “CHORD or CORD or CORED or ACCORD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TREE LIMERICKS)

Fred Bortz, for his “The Old Oak”

The couple, in ardent accord,
Their initials in tree bark had scored,
Leaving evidence, oaken,
Of love never broken.
They’ve aged, yet they know they’re adored.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CHORD or CORD or CORED or ACCORD” RHYME DIVISION)

Judith H. Block:

He thought that his faux pas was minor.
Then he saw all her clothes were designer.
All the hints he ignored;
He sure struck the wrong chord
When he took her to eat at a diner.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

“Dear Teacher, I tripped on a cord,
Then got cut on my brother’s sharp sword.
So no homework today,
And oh, by the way,
I chased after a bull and was gored.”

Tony Holmes:

I would never admit that I snored,
So my wife made recordings – I’m floored!
Beyond doubt, she was right,
But the future is bright –
We’ve discovered a new major chord.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

In the 50’s Dad got an award!
(His intelligence never ignored)
Cuz all on his own
He upgraded our phone,
By getting a much longer cord.

Dave Johnson:

The cost of their service has soared;
So now I am cutting the cord.
We can still watch TV,
Once I do it for free
By the shed where the woodpile is stored.

Tony Holmes:

I’ve discovered I’m now in accord
With a viewpoint I’ve always deplored.
I am shocked! What has changed?
Am I sick or deranged?
No, it’s worse – I got lazy and bored.

Tim James:

I knew a composer who scored
An op’ra most people ignored
’Bout an Army man struck
By a half-track and truck.
A-flat major’s its dominant chord.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TREE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

Those trees that were blocking his view
Are suddenly lying askew.
Officials resist
His attempts to insist
That the wind just selectively blew.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Even though you might feel a nice breeze,
Never park your car under the trees!
Cuz when you return
You’ll undoubtedly learn
That the birds have done more than just sneeze.

Brian Allgar:

His offspring, I’m sure you’ll agree,
Are as crooked as President T,
Grabbing ill-gotten loot –
Which just shows that the fruit
Never falls very far from the tree.

Diane Groothuis:

I checked on my own fam’ly tree
To find who’s related to me.
Well I come from good stock,
But it came as a shock
That Dad’s branch didn’t want me to be.

Fred Bortz:

There’s a tree that I love in the park.
I can find it at night when it’s dark.
Dogwood’s blossoms and fruit
Bring delight to my snoot,
But what’s best is the sound of its bark.

John Shardlow:

You gardeners, please make this pledge:
Whenever you’re planting a hedge,
Using laurel is dandy,
But shun the leylandii;
Between neighbors it’s driving a wedge.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone: (With Apologies To Joyce Kilmer)

I’ve seen metal that’s also a knee,
And a card that is also a key.
But I really must say
That there’s no goddamn way
That a poem is also a tree.

Jean McEwen:

Please don’t slander my poor hemlock tree.
It’s not poisonous — trust me! You see,
It is not like the plant
That’s called hemlock; it can’t
Ever hurt you — so no need to flee!

Dave Johnson:

In Florida, palm trees will sway,
With sunbathers basking all day;
Some willing and proud
To be showing the crowd
What others should never display.

Diane Groothuis:

I think that I never shall see
A poem so nice as a tree.
Providing good shade,
In Heaven they’re made
And useful to dogs when they pee.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (313)

Saturday, January 5th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

Men are taken with all types of tits –
And with buttocks. They’re perfect for mitts.
Why would anyone peer
At a face? It’s unclear,
But bosoms and buns? They’re huge hits.

Why are bosoms so cute to us chaps?
It’s the thrill of releasing the straps.
And the hooks, eyes, or lace,
Till we come breast to face
With the sight that turns men into saps.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Jewelry-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The love of my life was called Pearl,
A delightful, intelligent girl.
But she left me – I’d “dissed” her
By giving her sister,
The sexy young Ruby, a whirl.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Diane Groothuis, P Diane Schneider, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Peer or Pier or Appear” RHYME DIVISION)

Bob Dvorak:

Well, what to my eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and some deer.
I truly must stop
Downing tasty brown slop,
Ere I end up flat down on my rear.

Brian Allgar:

Said the hooker, “Your Lordship, I fear
There is nothing that I can do here.
Your ducal regalia
Is frankly a failiah –
I’m sorry, I must diss a peer.”

Tim James:

A yachtsman had drunk too much beer,
And it rendered his vision unclear.
He rammed into the dock,
Which collapsed from the shock.
As a seaman he’s quite without pier.

Sharon Neeman, for her limerick she calls “How Melania Trump Returned Safely from Africa:”

Said the cannibal chef with a sneer,
“Things are not always what they appear.
That one’s flesh has no taste;
Cooking her’s just a waste —
So don’t bring that Melania here!”

Diane Groothuis:

A woman consulted a seer
To see if her hubby was queer.
And the seer said “He’s gay.
Get yourself a new lay.
Don’t wait for his peer to appear.”

P Diane Schneider:

The jury box stifled a jeer,
And kitty cat shuddered in fear.
There’s word in the air
This trial is not fair;
No canine here looks like a peer.

Byron Miller:

My kitchen sink’s leaking. Oh dear!
And an overweight tradesman is here.
The one thing with a plumber
That’s always a bummer
Is having his butt crack appear.

Tony Holmes:

It is time I revealed what took place
On the day I was whisked into space.
They don’t probe, poke, or peer,
Or indeed, interfere;
But they push pretty hard for first base.

Lisi Nortman:

In the afterlife, I shall appear
As a ghost to some “pains in the rear.”
I know who I’ll haunt
And certainly taunt.
My list’s getting longer each year.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A big fellow who drank lots of beer
Took pride in his skill as a pee-er.
His incredible aim
Gained the man bar room fame,
Till he once hit a cop in the rear.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (JEWELRY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Jake gave Cindy a ring set with jade,
Not with diamonds–so Cindy, dismayed
Gave to Jake, in return,
An asparagus fern.
(Seemed a pretty fair balance of trade.)

Dave Johnson:

“I know what to say when they call me.”
Says a popular gal from Snoqualmie.
She told her friend Mike:
“We can smooch, if you like;
Bring bling if you’re looking to ball me.”

Brian Allgar:

The Professor would constantly whine:
“How I loathe all those students of mine!
It is hell everlasting
To spend my life casting
Fake pearls before genuine swine.”

Sharon Neeman:

Clooney offered fair Bridget a necklace
If she’d come to his bed and be reckless.
“Why, begorrah, it’s glass!”
Cried the sweet Irish lass;
“Get ye gone, now — ye’ll always be feckless!”

Tony Holmes:

Her best friends are all diamonds, it’s said;
She has one for each time she’s been wed.
By a very old trick,
Without shovel or pick,
She has mined all her carbon in bed.

Tim James:

She has rings on her fingers and toes;
There are studs in her ears, tongue and nose.
But her guy doesn’t mind.
And there’s more bling to find
If down’s the direction he goes.

Lisi Nortman:

To find the right man, I’ve been told,
He should not be too young or too old.
But regardless of age,
My dear mother the “sage,”
Said “Honey, just go for the gold.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (286)

Saturday, November 25th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DIANE GROOTHUIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a whined-rhyme and a revenge limerick:

The neighbor’s dog whimpered and whined,
Till it drove me quite out of my mind.
To stop it I stoned it,
Then shredded and boned it.
“A doggy bag? You are so kind!”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special REVENGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

He filmed their encounter for kicks;
Then secretly posted the pics.
Her father, a pro
With intelligence flow,
Pursued a conviction that sticks.

To those who would purposely shame
For revenge or just playing a game,
Remember this tale;
You could wind up in jail
As well as the Dick Hall of Fame.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Graham Lester, Kirk Miller, Steve Whitred, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WHINED or WINED or UNWIND” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO REVENGE LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar

“To take action or not?” Hamlet whined.
“Avenging my Dad would be kind;
There are arguments for,
But against, there are more….
I simply can’t make up my mind.”

Sharon Neeman’s 2-Verser:

He scratched and he howled and he whined
As she did a full strip, bump and grind.
When she shed the last bits
And revealed quim and tits,
He thought he’d go out of his mind…

On the phone, she revealed to her sister
That her husband had wronged her and dissed her.
“But I used that old spell
That you taught me so well —
Now he’s such a good doggie, my Mister!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WHINED or WINED or UNWIND” RHYME DIVISION)

Graham Lester:

A little while after I’ve dined,
I do something quite unrefined,
But don’t say I “puked” —
You’ll be sternly rebuked!
I’d prefer you to say I “un-wined.”

Kirk Miller:

When the judge arrived home, his wife, Kay,
Told their kids, “From your dad, stay away.
He just needs to unwind,
’Cause we’re likely to find
He is stressed from a long, trying day.”

Steve Whitred:

I’ve been whiskied, tequila’d and wined.
Inspiration’s been easy to find.
Poured out lims by the score,
Even some you’d adore,
But they all were just 3 or 4 lined.

Marty Gerendasy:

A young man was delighted to find
An exciting new way to unwind;
Had it all well in hand
Till one day it was banned.
Mom said “Stop it or else you’ll go blind!”

Randolph Wagner:

With his crotch rubbing Helen’s behind,
Paris relished their hot bump and grind.
But his Trojan attire
Sheathed virile desire.
“Bareback buggery’s better!” she whined.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (REVENGE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

As their Thanksgiving dinner drew nigh,
The turkey was starting to cry.
But revenge would be sweet
When they chewed on her meat –
She had bird flu! The diners would die.

David Reddekopp:

There’s no end to the trouble you’re in
If, Mad, you commit this great sin:
Take heed what I say
You WILL rue the day
If you don’t pick my limerick to win.

Dave Johnson:

A road-rager flashing his light
Flipped them off as he passed on the right.
Moments later they saw
He’d been stopped by the law;
“That’s him!” she said. “Thanks and good night.”

Tim James:

There once was a weirdo named Moore
Who cruised high schools and malls. But what for?
Teenage girls! If he knew them,
He wanted to screw them.
With luck, they’ll now even the score.

Brian Allgar:

He was grabbed by a fist hard as steel;
The Donald emitted a squeal
Like a pig at the slaughter.
“Hey, Dad!” said his daughter,
“This grabbing thing – how does it feel?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (273)

Saturday, March 18th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, which is both a “Bust” limerick and a Confusion-themed limerick. Brian calls it Donald’s Dilemma:

“It’s confusing when driven by lust,
And choosing just leaves me non-plussed.
Is it tits I should hold,
Or go straight for the gold?
My dilemma – Grab pussy, or bust.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Confusion-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

March 11th, when going to bed,
Do I set the clock back, or ahead?
It’s confusing as hell —
But I’ve solved it quite well:
Throw the clock out the window instead!

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for her limerick saga, which received the most Facebook “likes.” (Suzanne swears it’s a true story.)

When my sister (the eldest) was born,
From the birth my poor mother was worn.
Doctor spanked the babe’s bum,
Checked her health, and then some—
Got returned to her mum the same morn.

When she lifted the blanket to feed her,
The feelings of shock did stampede her;
A boy was inside!
My poor mum almost died,
As the nurses had tried to mislead her.

The confusion and screams that would follow
Were much more than the woman could swallow.
The real babe they did bring
To which Momma did cling,
Their apologies ringing quite hollow.

Well, my mum and the nurses conversed,
Then in laughter together immersed;
Any punishment draped
On the nurses escaped
’Cause that day – it was April the first!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Sharon Neeman, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Mike Moulton, Sue Dulley, Kathleen Bartoletti, Dave Johnson, Diane Groothuis, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: BUST-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CONFUSION-Themed LIMERICKS)

Fred Bortz:

Two teens, so confused by their lust,
Feel desire where once was disgust.
Their organs a-tingle,
They meld and they mingle.
(It started when she grew a bust.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BUST/BUSSED/ROBUST” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

The stripper believed it unjust
That her gin joint was raided. It must
Have been something to see:
She’s a 42-D,
And the cops thought it quite a good bust.

David Reddekopp:

His regime fills us all with disgust,
And when we resist, as we must,
Then Trump’s all a-twitter;
He’s boorish and bitter.
That blowhard’s about to combust.

Sharon Neeman:

Oh I’m terribly piqued and upset!
We were shopping, and I asked Jeannette,
“Does this flatter my bust?”
She replied with disgust,
“Well… flatter, it just couldn’t get.”

Ken Gosse:

Such a robust bust had to be bussed.
Long before she arrived it was thrust
Like the bow of a ship
On a very long trip;
With Leviathan ribs it was trussed.

Suzanne Heymann:

At a pool, where the D-cups are brimmin’,
The men cannot focus on swimmin’.
As they ogle each bust,
Something grows and they lust
Behind speedos, disgusting the women.

Brian Allgar:

The hooker was very robust,
And would bonk them with thrust after thrust.
Then, with knot-maker’s science,
She’d tie up her clients
And rob them. Her street-name? “Miss Trussed.”

Mike Moulton:

Said Pence, “The assertion’s a bust
That a wall on the border’s a must.
Any wall that we phase-in
Will keep all the gays in,
Which is something we haven’t discussed.”

Sue Dulley:

In my mother’s youth, life was unjust.
Three measurements, hips, waist and bust
Were called Vital Statistics;
These characteristics
Could generate lust or disgust.

Kathleen Bartoletti:

“He cried, “I must fondle your bust!”
She replied, “if you must, then you must.”
As he reached out, expectant,
She sprayed disinfectant.
He fled, both in pain and disgust.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONFUSION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

His fans have a weird sense of mirth;
They cheer as he slashes their worth.
Confusing? Try this:
If ign’rance is bliss,
They’re the happiest people on earth.

Tim James, for his “Wire Tapp Crapp”

There was never much doubt. Now we’re sure
Kellyanne and Sean’s motives are pure.
Their prime occupation:
Complete obfuscation.
It’s years since I’ve seen such manure.

Dave Johnson:

Having met in a line at the store,
They went up to her place for some more.
The night was sublime
Till that moment in time
When he asked, “Have I been here before?”

Diane Groothuis:

An Irishman people called Mick
Was really incredibly thick,
And confused most of all
By three spades ’gainst a wall,
When they told him to go take his pick.

Byron Ives:

If you vow you won’t cuss, did you swear?
Two Bartletts, are they not a pair?
If your pants become torn
Is it ’cause they’re well worn?
If the bus costs you more is it fare?

Is an athlete from France called a jacques?
Is a fly without wings called a walk?
If, with no arms, you’re born,
Would you still enjoy porn?
Is a tube filled with gooey stuff, caulk?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (268)

Sunday, January 8th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“The hypotenuse,” he would opine,
“Should connect to each right-angled line.”
My geometry prof
Would proceed to go off
On a tangent of cosine and sine.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Resolution-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I’d resolved not to vote for a chump;
Now we’re cursed with one Donald J. Trump.
So I need a new pledge;
If I’m close to a ledge,
Resist the temptation to jump.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Craig Dykstra, David Reddekopp, Sue Dulley, Diane Groothuis, Suzanne Heymann, Marty Gerendasy, and Wendy Playter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIGN” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Is it love that is making her whine?
Can her soft, pleading gaze be a sign
Of unfailing devotion?
No, I have a notion
My dog is impatient to dine.

Craig Dykstra:

I really don’t mean to malign,
But our logo’s a crappy design.
Legibility’s wanting
From poor choice of fonting –
I fear it’s the Times of our Sign.

David Reddekopp:

A pious man drove by a field,
Looked up and to God he appealed;
He beseeched the divine
To send him a sign,
And he saw one. It told him to yield.

Sue Dulley:

Some quilts I design I will sign
On the back, but the choice there is mine.
I will not write my name
So I don’t get the blame
If the quilt turns out lame (like this line.)

Diane Groothuis:

An architect went out to dine,
In hopes that his client would sign.
But his plan was rejected
In mode unexpected;
“Your erection just can’t equal mine.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RESOLUTIONS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Suzanne Heymann:

“Resolutions – be more like your brother!”
Blurts my bossy, but well-meaning mother.
She can scream, she can shout,
But it does, without doubt,
Go in one year and then out the other.

Marty Gerendasy:

Resolutions, both written and spoken
All too often turn out to be token.
Though our thoughts are sincere,
All our plans disappear.
Resolutions were meant to be broken!

Wendy Playter:

When last year had started anew,
I listed what I’d like to do:
Make twice as much cash,
And lose my fat stash.
But sadly, I mixed up the two.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (265)

Sunday, November 27th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

My smartphone, though lightweight and small,
Has thousands of ‘apps’; got them all —
Facebook, Twitter, TV …
But it’s too smart for me,
For I’ve never worked out how to call.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ANXIETY-Themed Limerick Award for this clever limerick:

Anxiety hangs like a pall
Round the world, as it grips one and all.
Other nations ask why
We would vote for that guy.
(I hear Canada’s building a wall.)

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special THANKSGIVING-Themed Limerick Award for this clever limerick:

We’ve elected a hideous elf,
Who’s pushing us off of the shelf.
It’s suddenly clear
For Thanksgiving next year,
This turkey will pardon himself.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Diane Groothuis, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Wendy Playter, Tim James, Suzanne Heymann, Jeanine Silverio, Dave Johnson, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “CALL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ANXIETY LIMERICKS)

Marty Gerendasy:

High anxiety’s what I would call
The bad feeling I’m getting this fall.
’Cause the stakes are so high,
It’s for sure do or die;
We could find ourselves climbing the wall.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CALL” A-RHYME DIVISION)

Diane Groothuis:

Cinderella received a nice call
Inviting her out to a Ball,
But found it alarming
On seeing Prince Charming
In pants with no ball-room at all.

Sue Dulley:

Black bears sometimes pay me a call
In spring and in summer and fall.
So I wonder if they
Might be willing to pay
If this winter I build a great wall.

Brian Allgar:

The young hooker who answered his call
Said “Well, Donald, I’m willin’ to ball,
But you claim that your peter
Is more than a metre,
So why can’t I find it at all?”

Wendy Playter:

A muscular lass from St. Paul
Enlisted to answer the call.
She said, “Though this rifle
Is no little trifle,
My guns are the biggest of all!”

Tim James:

When she cries, men fall into her thrall;
It’s a powerful, strange siren call.
So why’s her heart breaking?
It isn’t. She’s faking.
It’s all just a masquerade bawl.

HONORABLE MENTION (“CALL” B-RHYME DIVISION)

Suzanne Heymann:

Mother Nature, who knocks at my door
Knows the strength of my bladder is poor;
If I don’t rise at all
To go answer her call,
She will soil my pants to the core!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ANXIETY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James: (Be sure to read Tim’s asterisked comment right below his limerick.)

His anxiety led him astray,
And he bungled his very first lay.*
He pumped hard and too fast,
So he just couldn’t last
While conducting the choir that way.

* Tim James explains: “A lay is a ballad or narrative poem set to music. What did you think I meant?”

Jeanine Silverio:

I’m so shy and with women I worry,
I can’t speak and my sight becomes blurry.
But I met a coquette.
(She is just like a pet!)
We can bark, howl and mate. (She’s a Furry!)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (THANKSGIVING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

This Thanksgiving, we might sit and chat;
Or maybe we’ll go to the mat.
It’s something we dread;
If old Uncle Fred
Shows up with that God-awful hat.

Jeanine Jamero Silverio

On Thanksgiving, I vow to be grateful,
For my husband, our boys and this plateful.
I pray that they thrive,
Love and hope kept alive,
In a world that’s becoming more hateful.

Konrad Schwoerke:

At Thanksgiving, I’m cranberry boss.
I abominate canned berry dross.
Why is mine so damned dandy?
Fresh berries and brandy
Give new meaning to hitting the sauce.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (261)

Saturday, September 17th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I think that I thought that I thunk,”
Said Descartes, “but perhaps it was bunk.
If I am when I think,
What occurs when I drink?
Well, I think that I therefore am drunk.”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Boating-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

While launching his boat with a Hummer,
He struts like he’s King of the Summer.
Now ready to go,
The Speedo will show
His love life must be a real bummer.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, Mike Burch, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, and Ken Gosse. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BUNK/DEBUNK” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

In the novel I’m reading, a hunk
Has a girlfriend who fondles his junk.
When they started to pet
I broke out in a sweat.
Now excuse me. I’ll be in my bunk.

Brian Allgar

The Captain was thoroughly drunk,
And was bonking a bird in his bunk.
They were suddenly wet,
But it wasn’t from sweat –
In his absence, the liner had sunk.

Diane Groothuis:

Last ev’ning I lay on my bunk,
Quite tired and also quite drunk.
As I pondered and mused,
I became quite confused;
What WAS I? A nun or a monk?

Mike Burch:

There’s something I’d like to debunk:
The GOP’s not in a “funk.”
The Donald, by choice,
Is its unfiltered voice.
Vote for someone who’s sane, or we’re sunk!

Dave Johnson:

On vacation, we’re caught in a funk;
Our Airbnb place is junk.
On a faraway isle,
We’re told with a smile:
“You both have to sleep in de bunk.”

David Reddekopp:

I’m a hunk in a funk when I’m drunk.
Who’da thunk it? My junk, it has shrunk.
It won’t even unfurl,
So I can’t get a girl.
Now I’m sunk – can’t spelunk in my bunk.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOATING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Ken Gosse:

As youngsters, we learned, “Row, Row, Row,”
With no limit on how far to go.
Now older, strength fails:
With no outboard or sails,
We’ll find our return needs a tow.

Tim James:

About boating I haven’t a clue.
What do fo’c’s’les and mizzen masts do?
Tell me why the main bounds
And on what the surf pounds.
And just why on a head would you poo?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Filed under Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest

Limerick-Off Award (257)

Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny, musical limerick:

Five fishermen lived hereabout,
But their talents were somewhat in doubt.
Though five lines they would spin,
Just one fish was reeled in.
This quintet became known as “The Trout.”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Allergy-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

She was to be one of the “perks”
At the office where Roger Ailes works.
But started to sneeze
As he fondled her knees;
Turns out, she’s allergic to jerks.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Will T. Laughlin, Kathleen Bartoletti, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, Judith H. Block, Brian Allgar, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOUT/ABOUT” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

Some things are exact, not “about.”
They are what they are, without doubt.
A worm’s not a snake,
A cookie’s no cake,
And a salmon’s not “almost” a trout.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:

It appears that the captain is out
Of the closet without any doubt.
From up high in the rigging
I spotted him frigging
The cabin boy, coming about.

Will T. Laughlin, for his “AND IN THIS CORNER, KID IONESCO!”

In the very first round of the bout,
The Kid knocked the champion out.
But they stopped him, they did,
When they noticed the Kid
Had four legs, and a horn on his snout.

Kathleen Bartoletti:

A turtledove flying about
Was afraid that his luck had run out
When he noticed one day
A hawk headed his way;
He was quickly relieved of all doubt.

Robert Schechter:

You don’t know what you’re talking about?
No problem. Just act like a lout.
Refuting your betters,
Use CAPITAL LETTERS,
THE FACEBOOK-APPROVED WAY TO SHOUT!

Ken Gosse:

His dyslexia sometimes came out
When the Drill Sergeant started to shout,
But he knew how to cope:
He could walk that tightrope,
Though they grinned when he yelled, “Face About!”

Suzanne Heymann:

If you don’t know what life’s all about
Don’t worry, relax, just chill out.
Live life fully and know
When it’s your turn to go
You’ll no longer be living in doubt.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ALLERGY-LIMERICK DIVISION)

Judith H. Block:

I’m allergic to most politicians
With their multiple bullshit positions.
And although I’m not sneezing,
I’m certainly wheezing;
I’m sick of their toxic emissions.

Brian Allgar:

As they loaded the Ark’s floating zoo,
It appeared they were missing a few.
“Those unicorns? Banned ’em,”
Said Noah. “Can’t stand ’em.
I’m allergic to dinosaurs, too.”

Diane Groothuis:

Now mustard’s my bête noire, by God.
My reaction is terribly odd.
With rashes and hives,
My blood pressure dives,
And I give old St Peter the nod.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:

There’s a trick-turning floozy, long fallen,
Who’s bothered, in springtime, by pollen.
Along with her sneezes,
Come vaginal squeezes–
“God bless you!” her clients keep callin’.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (232)

Sunday, September 27th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KATHY EL-ASSAL, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever Acrostic Limerick:

Culled by Carly, the workers got canned.
And at H.P., her tenure was panned.
Re-emerging to fight,
Lobbing zingers far right,
Yessiree, she could F up the land.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Phil Graham, Diane Groothuis, and ROBERT SCHECHTER. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

Dr. Frankenstein searched through the land
For each muscle, limb, organ and gland.
Yet his beast makes no fist;
Both arms end at the wrist.
Ain’t he great, folks? Let’s give him a hand!

Dave Johnson:

A bottle was found in the sand
With a note from a far-away land.
“We’ll come to your shore
Like so many before…
But not ’till The Trumpster is canned.”

David Reddekopp:

The gift that we gave her was grand.
She no longer relied on her hand.
On the sofa sat Alice
With vibrating phallus,
And Alice was in Wonderland.

Phil Graham:

Just a banjo, no need for a band,
As the embers of justice he fanned.
Folk music’s more meager
Since losing Pete Seeger;
He “hammered all over this land.”

Diane Groothuis:

He came with his hat in his hand,
Apology practiced and planned:
“I am sorry my dear
For bruising your ear.
That blowfly was trying to land.”

Robert Schechter:

In farms found throughout this great land,
There’s a rule that all cows understand,
And it’s so fundamental!
When milking, be gentle.
Don’t yank on the mammary gland.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (221)

Saturday, July 11th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Fred Bortz:

The authorities turned up the heat
On the ladies who walk on the street:
“You must lower your rates
For your bus’nessman dates.
How else can our city compete?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, Diane Groothuis, and Phil Graham. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

They were frolicking in the back seat
Like a bitch and a mongrel in heat,
When a sudden bright light
Gave the couple a fright.
“My turn next,” said the cop on the beat.”

Sue Dulley:

I’m a glutton for glutinous wheat;
As a treat, toast and jam’s hard to beat,
And I flee when I see
Food that’s tagged “gluten-free.”
(There, I said it. Please don’t give me heat!)

Dave Johnson:

They went to a swingers’ retreat
And saw lots of couples in heat.
There was a big dance
Where no one wore pants;
The members all swung to the beat.

Diane Groothuis:

When sales-people turn up the heat,
I do what I can to retreat.
They’re trying their luck
To make a quick buck.
As for me, I just vote with my feet.

Phil Graham:

A woman turned white as a sheet
When her cop friend was not too discreet.
She said, “Show me your Glock.”
What he heard, though, was “cock.”
So he proved he was packing some heat.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (197)

Saturday, January 10th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Ron B., who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Now as moss, I was “boss,” but as peat
I’m just rotting away in the heat
Till I’m bagged to be spread
On a vegetable bed
And be treated like dirt by a beet.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Diane Groothuis, Jon Gearhart, Ron B., Marty McCullen, Kirk Miller, John Peter Larkin, Brian Allgar, and Allen Wilcox.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A fellow who loved to compete
Took a teacher to bed, quite a feat.
He was drunk. ’Twas unwise,
For he couldn’t arise.
So she graded his work “Incomplete.”

Diane Groothuis:

A gardener needed some peat,
So he went to a house down the street,
Asked a housewife in red
“Can I get in your bed?”
She replied, “You can leave tout de suite.”

Jon Gearhart:

At long last, she was set to compete
With her flower beds fin’ly complete.
All top ribbons she’d take.
When asked, “How, for Pete’s sake?”
She replied it’s cuz SHE forsakes peat!

Ron B.:

A fellow who loved to compete
In races he couldn’t complete
Just entered to stare
At each cute derriere
He gladly chose not to defeat.

Marty McCullen:

A gardener needed some peat
From property just down the street,
So he set about tasking
Without even asking.
He’s now in a small jailhouse suite.

Kirk Miller:

Manufacturers always compete
At a watch-making industry meet.
It should not be a shock
That they all watch the clock.
It’s a race against Timex, quite neat.

John Peter Larkin:

Don’t laugh, but I plan to compete
in your upcoming track and field meet.
I know I’ll prevail.
No way I can fail,
’Cause there’s no one as good as a cheat.

Brian Allgar:

The hooker refused to compete
In the beef-eating contest’s last heat.
She explained “It was fun
For a while, but I’m done —
I’ve had more than enough of jerked meat.”

Allen Wilcox:

Lim’rick contests tempt all to compete.
The meter has rules you must meet.
If you don’t take the time
To make sure that you rhyme,
Mad will throw you right out on the street.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (184)

Saturday, October 11th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JAMIE HUTCHINSON, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse, as well as the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for the same limerick:

My mouth is shut tight—not a crack—
Till my dentist can prove he’s no hack.
Then I see his degree
On the wall, and then we
Each say “Ah!” at the other one’s plaque.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, Jon Gearhart, Bob Dvorak, Byron Ives, Robert Schechter, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Tim James, and Johanna Richmond. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kirk Miller:

In the kitchen, came ants through the crack,
So the homeowner tried to fight back.
The Formica he sprayed;
Their advance was delayed.
Then the ants made a counter-attack.

Brian Allgar:

The dentist made many a crack
Concerning his hygienist’s rack.
He was put in his place
With a punch in the face;
Now his teeth are displayed on her plaque.

Diane Groothuis:

A dancer was trying to crack
A role in “Le cygne du lac”
But the swan flew away
Just turning to say
“The trouble with me is I’m black.”

Jon Gearhart:

Sexual stresses could cause you to crack
When you’re called to perform in the sack.
If you can’t raise your todger
To give her a roger,
You’ll soon know of a lass and a lack.

Bob Dvorak:

A fellow tripped over a crack,
Which caused him to land with a thwack.
This unabashed nut
Took a look at his butt;
Said, “I cracked it!” (Aww. Cut him some slack.)

Byron Ives:

My windshield just suffered a crack
From a dove with a now broken back,
Broken wing, beak, and neck
So I thought, what the heck…
Then I skinned him and grilled me a snack.

Robert Schechter:

My captors believed I would crack
When they stretched out my bones on the rack,
But I did not break
Till they threatened to make
Me eat a McDonald’s Big Mac.

Will Laughlin:

“So what if the aquifers crack,
And the water turns smelly and black?
So what if we’re killing
The earth with our drilling?
We honestly don’t give a frack!”

Allen Wilcox:

The dentist discovered a crack
In a tooth that was way in the back.
He said its small size
Wouldn’t win me a prize,
But he gave me a plaque for my plaque.

Tim James, in Chaucerian mode:

A gallant olde knyghte took a crack
At slaying a dragon. Alack!
For the fyre-breathing beest,
In the mood for a feest,
Made the fellow a well-toasted snack.

Johanna Richmond:

Bottom-line, your selected word “crack”
Has me itching, by god, to talk smack!
Poised to bring in the rear,
I may butt in right here
With this cheeky announcement: I’m baaaccckk!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (175)

Saturday, August 2nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Fred Bortz:

A competitor of the first rank
Took his speed-eating prize to the bank.
He never got flustered.
With relish, he mustered
The courage to swallow each frank.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Diane Groothuis, Brian Allgar, Konrad Schwoerke, and Sancho Panza. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Diane Groothuis:

A lady of very high rank
Gave her butler a check that was blank,
Saying “Spend what you will.
The sex was a thrill,
And remember to re-fill my tank.”

Brian Allgar:

The General tried to pull rank
On a female cadet in his tank.
She was eager to please
And went down on her knees,
But the charge in his cannon was blank.

Konrad Schwoerke:

An artist, whose sketches would rank
With the best, was forthcoming and frank:
“It would seem that my muse
Is providing no cues,
So right now, I am drawing a blank.”

Sancho Panza:

A woman was trying to rank
The men who would lay by her flank,
But she couldn’t decide
If the time of the ride
Trumped the length and the width of their shank.

Brian Allgar:

The Captain, abusing his rank,
Exclaimed as the ship hit a bank,
“Forget children and women.
They’ll have to try swimmin’,”
Then jumped in the lifeboat … which sank.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (171)

Saturday, July 5th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Rhett Butler reserved a nice suite
Where he and Miss Scarlett could meet.
But the bed had no linen.
The maid explained, grinnin’,
“Sir, frankly, I don’t give a sheet!”

Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Ferlinghetti thinks status is sweet,
And for Ginsberg, renown is a treat.
But Jack Kerouac’s fame
Brings him obvious shame:
He’s becoming, well, read as a Beat.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Scott Crowder, Robert Basler, Brian Allgar, Andrew Ryan, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

David McCormick:

I’ve married a woman who’s sweet,
One who constantly keeps herself neat,
One who cleans, one who cooks,
One who’s blessed with good looks.
I’m hoping these five never meet!

Will T. Laughlin:

The folks in the Honeymoon Suite
Are being a tad indiscreet.
Simple moans, groans and cries
Cause the staff no surprise —
But good god! What’s the source of that bleat?

Allen Wilcox:

Bragged the artist, “To paint is so sweet.
Slopping gobs on the sidewalk’s a treat.
I’ve done Pollock one better;
An opposites getter,
My work’s both abstract and concrete.”

Scott Crowder:

A man in the mood for a sweet,
Indulged in his favorite treat.
Though never a wuss,
He’s now a big puss.
They say that you are what you eat.

Robert Basler:

“Mademoiselle, are you over dix-huit?”
I would ask all the French chicks I meet.
If she’s 18 or older
I start to get bolder.
If she’s not, then I’m out of there, VITE!

Brian Allgar:

At Halloween, saucy and sweet,
A young lady was trawling my street
As the “Halloween Whore,”
So I opened the door,
And the trick that she turned was a treat.

Andrew Ryan:

My girlfriend is terribly sweet,
And I tried to propose in a Tweet.
But I’ve just asked if she
Would marinate me.
God-damn you dumb Auto-complete!

Diane Groothuis:

A cellist was playing a suite
By Bach at a musical meet
To tunes contrapuntal.
She showed them full-frontal,
And they noted her boobs hit her feet.

Will T. Laughlin:

Bach went, while composing his Suite,
To a Gentlemen’s Club for a treat.
As he watched the girls dance,
Inspiration (by chance)
Sent him “Air on the G-String,” complete.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (152)

Sunday, February 16th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

She was sick, but was also afraid
Of the bill that would have to be paid;
So she dressed as a pet
And went off to the vet.
Now she’s cured — but she’s also been spayed.

Congratulations to Kevin Ahern, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

On the stand was a dentist afraid
Because of some perjury made.
But his lawyer was wise,
Describing the lies
As something that was truth decayed.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Chris Doyle, Sallie McKenna, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Steve Whitred, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Chris Doyle:

My nerves last Good Friday were frayed
After learning I’d somehow mislaid
My false teeth, so I feared
I’d look pretty damn weird
Eating lamb on that Easter–puréed.

Sallie McKenna:

A clergyman’s collar was frayed,
Years of chafing induced as he prayed;
He kept craning his neck,
Stealthy hopes raised to check
Any cleavage in front pews arrayed.

Tim James:

A fellow appeared unafraid
To play juggling games with a blade.
“I know tricks that can’t miss;
Hold my beer and watch this!”
Say, does anyone here know first aid?

Will T. Laughlin:

Said the judge, “There’s a fine, I’m afraid…”
To the hooker they caught in a raid.
“Well, judge,” sighed the whore,
“Since I’ve seen you before,
I assume that you’ll take it in trade?”

Steve Whitred:

A woman whose nerves appeared frayed
From her friends heard “We’re getting you laid.”
She said “Sounds like a plan,
But please, not with a man.
Since that last guy, I may have been gayed!”

Diane Groothuis:

A citrus tree got very frayed
At 42 C in the shade:
“I am not in the pink
If I can’t get a drink.
Please get me some cool lemon-aid.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (144)

Sunday, December 15th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In the time I’ve grown old, I’ve grown round.
But here’s a dilemma I’ve found:
The young people swear
That I’ve also grown *square*.
The geometry doesn’t seem sound!

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this news-related limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The story is getting around
And it’s bound to offend and dumbfound:
That interpreter guy
At Mandela’s goodbye?
A phony! How very unsound!

Congratulations to Mark Kane and Diane Groothuis, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Mark Kane:

We’re eager to both fool around
At a private discreet picnic ground.
So we lie on a table,
Although it’s not stable,
And push past the risks that abound.

Diane Groothuis:

There’s a problem with fooling around
At that somewhat discreet picnic ground.
You forgot about Tom,
The creep peeping scum
Who watches not making a sound.

Mark Kane:

As we rolled onto Tom, round and round,
He then squealed with a very loud sound!
Had he stayed out of sight,
Until day changed to night,
We might well have resumed on the ground.

(This is only a taste of a lengthy picnic limerick exchange on Facebook, including more limericks by Mark and Diane and a limerick by Fred Bortz.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Basler, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Sue Dulley, Jon Gearhart,
Kathy El-Assal, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Basler:

The Beach Boys sang, “I Get Around.”
It fit with the rest of their sound.
They went, “Wah wa ooo.”
Yeah, their lyrics were poo.
No one claimed they were ever profound.

Fred Bortz:

The limerick judge came around,
Saw my bribe, and declared I’d be crowned.
But I didn’t ponder
Her double entendre
‘Til her clop on my kopf did resound.

Tim James:

Rush Limbaugh is running around
Spouting nothing but fury and sound.
In view of his “talents”
The budget would balance
If bullsh*t were taxed by the pound.

Sue Dulley, whose limerick relates to this news item:

“Some women whose contours are round
In yoga pants should not be found.”
Goodbye Mr Chip!
This shot from your hip
Was by any stretch rather unsound.

Jon Gearhart:

The circus fat lady is round.
Her walking can punish the ground.
She’ll rise to great fame.
Rotunda’s her name.
Makes tons cause she’s paid by the pound.

Kathy El-Assal:

Affluenza is going around
Amongst those with a wealthy background.
Its symptoms? Not caring,
Great riches not sharing,
And finding that Ayn Rand’s profound.

Will T. Laughlin:

Sarah Palin? Why’s she still around?
She opens her mouth to expound,
And the nonsense spills out
In a meaningless rout,
Like a car never fully unclowned.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (136)

Sunday, October 20th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A gander was taking a peek
At a goose with a bright orange beak:
“I’m a regular chap
Who won’t easily flap,
But her waddle is making me weak.”

Congratulations to Ira Bloom and Diane Groothuis, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks, which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Ira Bloom:

A fellow was sneaking a peek,
At a gal with an awesome physique.
Such a treat for the eyes!
Perfect breasts! Perfect thighs!
It’s too bad that his prospects were bleak.

Diane Groothuis:

Cinderella was taking a peek
At Prince Charming, so handsome and sleek,
And later that night
When she rushed home in fright,
He brought her a shoe from Lalique.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Craig Dykstra, Tim James, Kevin Ahern, Phyllis LaVietes, Chris Doyle, Robert Basler, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Schechter:

I covered my eyes, did not peek,
When the two of us played hide and seek,
And you hid really well.
The way I can tell?
You’ve been gone now for more than a week.

Craig Dykstra:

He had wanted to get just a peek,
At her cleavage so tan, soft and sleek.
But his fingers had flown
With a mind of their own–
Now his cast won’t come off ’til next week.

Tim James:

A gal at her physical peak
Can make love twenty times in a week.
In my youth that was nifty,
But now that I’m fifty
Be careful. You’ll break this antique.

Kevin Ahern:

My mother developed a pique
At the mouse in our house’s physique.
The thing that inflames
Her most are its games;
It likes to play hide and go squeak.

Phyllis LaVietes:

A woman was sneaking a peek
At the limerick theme for next week.
She said, “I will show ‘em,
I’m writing a poem,
For the prize won’t be won by the meek!”

Chris Doyle:

At a ball in Dushanbe, I peek
At the gentlemen’s fox trot technique,
Then fall flat on my ass
When a comely young lass
Makes a pass as we dance cheek Tajik.

Robert Basler:

A fellow was climbing a peak.
To get to the top took a week.
He said, with a frown
“It is much quicker down.
“I just untie this knot, then I — eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!”

Kirk Miller:

He would count to one hundred, not peek.
Dr. Jekyll was rather unique.
Somewhere deep in his mind,
Alter ego he’d find
When the doctor would play Hyde and seek.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (133)

Sunday, September 29th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

As she gathered the sheets in a wrap,
A lover spoke true to her chap:
“Your performance? — no cause
For thund’rous applause.
But it’s likely I gave you the clap.”

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A Sapphic was trying to wrap
A toy to be worn with a strap.
Then she wrote on the label:
“My dear darling Mabel,
D’ya wanna pretend you’re a chap?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Diane Groothuis, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

The thief saw her fine ermine wrap
And her neckline that plunged to her lap.
Twixt her breasts was some bling,
But the thing was a sting;
He got caught in the ol’ booby-trap.

Diane Groothuis:

When the goy in the shul wore a wrap
And a blue and white yarmulke (cap),
Rabbi said in surprise,
“That is just a disguise.
Your book’s upside down my dear chap.”

Colleen Murphy:

Before you try learning to rap,
You should test out your skills with the snap.
If you can’t hold a beat
With your fingers or feet,
Then it’s likely the same with your yap.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A gal in an elegant wrap
Woke up from a 20-year nap.
She turned on the news
And shouted out: “Who’s
This White House mahogany chap?”

Patrice of the ManyCats:

She lunged for his knuckles: rap, rap!
“You know I won’t take any crap
When I’m your mean teacher!
You wanna play preacher?”
They grinned, then she sat on his lap.

Diane Groothuis:

Miss Muffett was eating a wrap
While sitting on Jack Horner’s lap.
She had finished two thirds
And gave some to the birds,
But to Jack said “No whey you poor sap.”

Tim James:

A guy used aluminum wrap
Tightly set on his head as a cap.
And just why’s that the case?
It blocks mind beams from space.
(His campaign to be Prez is on tap.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!