It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, which is both a “Bust” limerick and a Confusion-themed limerick. Brian calls it Donald’s Dilemma:
“It’s confusing when driven by lust,
And choosing just leaves me non-plussed.
Is it tits I should hold,
Or go straight for the gold?
My dilemma – Grab pussy, or bust.”
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Confusion-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
March 11th, when going to bed,
Do I set the clock back, or ahead?
It’s confusing as hell —
But I’ve solved it quite well:
Throw the clock out the window instead!
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for her limerick saga, which received the most Facebook “likes.” (Suzanne swears it’s a true story.)
When my sister (the eldest) was born,
From the birth my poor mother was worn.
Doctor spanked the babe’s bum,
Checked her health, and then some—
Got returned to her mum the same morn.
When she lifted the blanket to feed her,
The feelings of shock did stampede her;
A boy was inside!
My poor mum almost died,
As the nurses had tried to mislead her.
The confusion and screams that would follow
Were much more than the woman could swallow.
The real babe they did bring
To which Momma did cling,
Their apologies ringing quite hollow.
Well, my mum and the nurses conversed,
Then in laughter together immersed;
Any punishment draped
On the nurses escaped
’Cause that day – it was April the first!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Sharon Neeman, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Mike Moulton, Sue Dulley, Kathleen Bartoletti, Dave Johnson, Diane Groothuis, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: BUST-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CONFUSION-Themed LIMERICKS)
Two teens, so confused by their lust,
Feel desire where once was disgust.
Their organs a-tingle,
They meld and they mingle.
(It started when she grew a bust.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BUST/BUSSED/ROBUST” RHYME DIVISION)
The stripper believed it unjust
That her gin joint was raided. It must
Have been something to see:
She’s a 42-D,
And the cops thought it quite a good bust.
His regime fills us all with disgust,
And when we resist, as we must,
Then Trump’s all a-twitter;
He’s boorish and bitter.
That blowhard’s about to combust.
Oh I’m terribly piqued and upset!
We were shopping, and I asked Jeannette,
“Does this flatter my bust?”
She replied with disgust,
“Well… flatter, it just couldn’t get.”
Such a robust bust had to be bussed.
Long before she arrived it was thrust
Like the bow of a ship
On a very long trip;
With Leviathan ribs it was trussed.
At a pool, where the D-cups are brimmin’,
The men cannot focus on swimmin’.
As they ogle each bust,
Something grows and they lust
Behind speedos, disgusting the women.
The hooker was very robust,
And would bonk them with thrust after thrust.
Then, with knot-maker’s science,
She’d tie up her clients
And rob them. Her street-name? “Miss Trussed.”
Said Pence, “The assertion’s a bust
That a wall on the border’s a must.
Any wall that we phase-in
Will keep all the gays in,
Which is something we haven’t discussed.”
In my mother’s youth, life was unjust.
Three measurements, hips, waist and bust
Were called Vital Statistics;
Could generate lust or disgust.
“He cried, “I must fondle your bust!”
She replied, “if you must, then you must.”
As he reached out, expectant,
She sprayed disinfectant.
He fled, both in pain and disgust.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONFUSION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
His fans have a weird sense of mirth;
They cheer as he slashes their worth.
Confusing? Try this:
If ign’rance is bliss,
They’re the happiest people on earth.
Tim James, for his “Wire Tapp Crapp”
There was never much doubt. Now we’re sure
Kellyanne and Sean’s motives are pure.
Their prime occupation:
It’s years since I’ve seen such manure.
Having met in a line at the store,
They went up to her place for some more.
The night was sublime
Till that moment in time
When he asked, “Have I been here before?”
An Irishman people called Mick
Was really incredibly thick,
And confused most of all
By three spades ’gainst a wall,
When they told him to go take his pick.
If you vow you won’t cuss, did you swear?
Two Bartletts, are they not a pair?
If your pants become torn
Is it ’cause they’re well worn?
If the bus costs you more is it fare?
Is an athlete from France called a jacques?
Is a fly without wings called a walk?
If, with no arms, you’re born,
Would you still enjoy porn?
Is a tube filled with gooey stuff, caulk?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
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