Limerick Post (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow was offered a post…*

or

A woman was planning to post…*

or

The dentist inserted a post…*

or

A fellow who wrote for the Post…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Post
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A writer was offered a post
As an autobiographer’s ghost.
He would make lots of bread,
Though one dreadful clause read:
“If you boast that you wrote it, you’re toast.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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61 Responses to “Limerick Post (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Jon Gearhart says:

    Her new dentist inserted the post.
    In his work he was fully engrossed.
    He pushed in the crown
    Slowly slid it on down
    To her core. His technique made her boast.

  2. Fred Bortz says:

    The priest was removed from his post
    For creating a fraudulent host.
    The substitute cracker
    With nary a backer
    Was leftover stale garlic toast.

  3. John Sardo says:

    A fellow who wrote for the Post
    Was conservative more so than most.
    His ideas were disarming
    But very alarming
    When parsed and with care diagnosed.

  4. John Sardo says:

    A woman was planning to post
    A recipe of grandma’s rye toast
    It was really absurd
    For she mis-typed a word
    On poppy weed all diners overdosed.

  5. John Sardo says:

    A fellow was offered a post
    On a island just off the West Coast
    He accepted with relish
    Then found it was hellish
    The island was owned by a mischievous ghost.

  6. Jesse Levy says:

    A fellow who wrote for the Post
    was his own writer – not a ghost.
    He wrote a biography
    and a hagiography
    which is good ’cause it rhymes…almost..

  7. Brian Allgar says:

    The bugler had played the Last Post,
    And they’d drunk a memorial toast.
    But they heard a faint shout
    From the grave: “Lemme out!”
    For the Colonel was far from a ghost.

  8. Brian Allgar says:

    “And now I’m inserting my post”,
    Said the dentist. The girl was engrossed;
    Though she’d guessed that the drilling
    Would be rather chilling,
    His instrument felt warm as toast.

  9. Brian Allgar says:

    Each angel was called to his post
    For the count of the Heavenly Host.
    “One is missing; that’s odd -
    Oh, I get it”, said God.
    “Late as usual, that old Holy Ghost!”

  10. Brian Allgar says:

    “You’ll find I’m as stiff as a post”,
    The hopeful seducer would boast.
    But the girl, unimpressed,
    Said “You’re just like the rest,
    Except that you’re shorter than most.”

  11. Bob Kennedy says:

    In Washington, I read the Post
    ‘Cause I like their cov’rage the most
    They first made their name
    On Dick Nixon’s shame
    And inspired him to move to the coast!

  12. Brian Allgar says:

    He typed away, post after post;
    “Thirty entries at least!” was his boast
    Until one fateful day,
    The poor chap passed away,
    For on limericks he’d overdosed.

  13. Brian Allgar says:

    The look-out man fled from his post
    When the pirates appeared from the coast.
    They were cannibals, too,
    And they smirked at the crew
    As they murmured “Oh, yummy! Pot roast!”

    (Madeleine, could you please delete the previous version? I think this one’s an improvement.)

    Note from Mad Kane: Done. :)

  14. Judith H. Block says:

    A woman was planning to post
    Her symptoms: what bothered her most.
    She then realized
    Much to her surprise:
    Love sickness she had diagnosed.

  15. Judith H. Block says:

    The dentist inserted a post
    Of metal: I’m NOT a doorpost!
    Expensive, that Zirconium,
    But avoids pandemonium.
    One’s health is what counts, bottommost.

  16. Judith H. Block says:

    A fellow who wrote for the Post,
    Thought truth was what counted the most.
    He found out his facts
    Were stopped in their tracks.
    When he realized his job was toast.

  17. Brian Allgar says:

    I eagerly watched for the post
    And my cheque from the Ivory Coast.
    “Twenty million”, he’d said,
    But the bank wrote instead
    To inform me my savings were toast.

  18. Tom Hale says:

    A fellow who wrote for the Post
    Was far more offensive than most.
    The folks found him heinous
    From here to Uranus,
    That’s how far out they were grossed.

  19. Mark Kane says:

    A fellow bragged on of his post.
    She thought it an empty vain boast.
    But after insertion,
    She bought his assertion,
    And found herself wholly engrossed.

  20. Richard Diakun says:

    While wrapping some fish with The Post
    I chilled for a second at most
    My filet of sole
    Attracted the soul
    Of Casper the hungry ol’ ghost

  21. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    A psychic impaled on a post,
    Who was weary of being a host,
    Said: “I’m not at all mad;
    It’s a boon to me, Vlad,
    ‘Cause I’m ready to give up the ghost.”

  22. Richard Diakun says:

    While hunting for songs I could post
    From YouTube to my FB host
    I typed in all spaces
    And up popped old “Traces”
    From Classics IV with Dennis Yost

  23. Jon Gearhart says:

    As the horses were nearing the post,
    One horse seemed more jumpy than most.
    Once out of the gate,
    He bolted off straight
    But the track took a turn, so he’s toast.

  24. Jon Gearhart says:

    The Chemist said, “Pay by fast POST
    ‘Cause this terminal’s faster than most.”
    “So, it’s TERMINAL, Doc?”
    He said “Yes.” Then in shock,
    I fainted, as white as a ghost.

    When consciousness I did regain
    The Chemist said, “Let me explain.
    You aren’t terminal, sir,
    And you never were.
    I refer to our fast check-out lane.”

    *POST- Point of sale terminal

  25. YT Cai says:

    A soldier deserted his post
    On a shoal along the west coast
    When caught was asked why
    Said “the tide got too high,
    and sharks were eyeing my rump roast”

  26. Errol Nimbly says:

    A messiah sat perched on a post,
    There imparting his Word to the host.
    To appease luncheon wishes,
    He blessed loaves and fishes
    And served them all kippers on toast.

  27. YT Cai says:

    Mechanics must stay at their post
    While working on cars down at Kost
    If not they’ll get fired
    As more cars are tired
    Of inflated profits owners will boast

  28. Randy Mazie says:

    A fellow who wrote for the Post
    knew his job was just about toast.
    No readership found
    With the internet ’round,
    The paper turned into compost

  29. Randy Mazie says:

    A fellow who wrote for the Post
    wrote movie reviews, he would boast,
    panning Citizen Kane
    and Singin’ in the Rain,
    You can see his career turned to toast.

  30. Jon Gearhart says:

    “Woah…I just saw Emily Post…”

    “You sure act like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

    “That’s not what I meant…
    This post had been bent
    Underneath and taped up by its host…”

  31. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    She replied, with a pointed riposte,
    To the fellow who hated her most.
    He, at first, gaped and sputtered;
    Then quietly muttered,
    “That damnable Melba is toast!”

  32. Byron Ives says:

    A piece in a smallish town post
    On parties where guests made the most
    Of the doob brought along,
    It got mixed in a bong,
    And they called this shindig a ‘Pot Roast’

  33. Byron Ives says:

    The dentist implanting a post
    In a buxom young gal from the coast,
    From his stool he would lean….
    Her grand cleavage was seen….
    And sedation was three times re-dosed

  34. Patricia says:

    Post Limerick ~

    A fellow was offered a post
    along the Ivory Coast
    his laptop was banned
    his flight was un-manned
    the natives his un-willing hosts

    Written By: Patricia Sawyer
    8-4-2014

  35. A fellow was offered a post
    He’d secretly wanted the most.
    And when in command
    He exported our land
    And retired on the money he’d grossed.

    Thinly veiled reference to the Australian PM.

  36. Zelick Mendelovich says:

    My contribution to the Gazza debacle.

    “Toast For The Ghost”

    Tom toasted his car on a post 
    While toasting his ride to the coast 
    “Hot roast and cold beer, 
    With toast for good cheer”
     Burnt toaster turned roaster mocked ghost. 

  37. Brian Allgar says:

    The explorer was tied to a post
    While the savages thought how to roast
    Him. Said one, “Seems to me
    That I’ve seen on TV
    It’s an hour and a half at the most.”

  38. Byron Ives says:

    The soldier had slept while on post
    And dreamed he had diddled a ghost
    “Her looks made me drool”
    “She was a cover ghoul,”
    “With ethereal boobs,” he would boast

  39. Byron Ives says:

    He tied his horse to a post
    What he saw next had him engrossed
    On a hill through the pinyons
    Was the Queen and her minions!
    This Raid Spray should decimate most

  40. Byron Ives says:

    With zits like a knotty pine post
    She repulsed all her peers, or most
    But brainy Jerome
    Held her hand, walked her home
    She had netted more than she grossed

  41. John Peter Larkin says:

    A woman was planning to post
    the time she had met with a ghost.
    But her tale wasn’t fact,
    so she had to retract.
    A celeb she was not, just almost.

  42. Jon Gearhart says:

    This morning as I thumbed the post
    On the bus, I was fully engrossed.
    Lady drivin’ said, “Cease
    Or be tossed off!” “Well, geez,
    Go ahead with plan two. Then we’ll toast!”

  43. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    An angel was proffered the post
    Of the Deity’s Heavenly Host.
    “You will greet every sinner
    Invited to dinner,
    And offer the ‘Sin o’ Men’ Toast.”

  44. Jon Gearhart says:

    She tied my four limbs to each post
    Of the bed and then gave me the most
    Diabolical glance,
    Stole my keys, cash, and pants,
    And then disappeared like a ghost.

  45. Jon Gearhart says:

    She tied my four limbs to each post
    Of the bed and then played the mad host.
    With a dark, evil glance,
    She whipped out her lance
    And revealed she’s a better man than most.

  46. David McCormick says:

    Donald McGill

    To the ‘King of the British saucy postcard’, Donald McGill, with affection …

    In those long ago summers we’d post
    Saucy cards to our folks from the coast;
    Ma would sigh, Pa would tut,
    Gran would shake her head … BUT
    ‘Twas McGill’s made them chuckle the most!

  47. Val Fish says:

    Every week I await Mad’s post,
    Whose limerick did she like most?
    I’m desperately tryin’
    To outdo that Brian,
    And then I’ll have reason to boast

  48. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    They had fettered the witch to a post,
    And were confident soon she’d be toast,
    But she’d spoken a charm
    That would shield her from harm,
    So she called for some weenies to roast.

  49. Tim James says:

    A dentist inserting a post
    Slipped up and committed the most…
    Well, to tell it’s not easy.
    It makes me quite queasy.
    By *this* oral hist’ry I’m grossed.

  50. Jon Gearhart says:

    My wife may be dumb as a post,
    But that’s not what matters the most.
    Her heart’s golden pure,
    She’s loyal for sure,
    And spreads quicker than butter on toast!

  51. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    A crooked accountant would post
    False entries of which he would boast:
    “My work is well done—
    I’m A-number-1!
    Your books are as cooked as this roast.”

  52. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    Even though I had just read a post
    On the way to dry hops in an oast,
    There were tricks I’d not learned,
    ‘Cause a few things got burned—
    Maybe nine or ten houses at most.

  53. Byron Ives says:

    They write in the Havasu Post
    It’s hotter right there than most
    Just go buy some bread
    It’ll jack with your head
    ‘Cause when you get home, it’s toast

  54. Allen Wilcox says:

    A dyslexic who wrote for the Post
    Sought a great supernatural boast
    From a house that was haunted,
    He emerged seeming daunted
    And said he’d been seen by a ghost.

  55. Allen Wilcox says:

    A fellow was offered a post
    As the friendliest neighborhood ghost
    He could be. So he booed
    From huuse to house nude -
    A wee bit too friendly for most.

  56. Allen Wilcox says:

    A woman decided to post
    Facebook pictures revealing the most
    Private parts of her bod
    With no text – why, how odd?
    She was far much too bashful to boast.

  57. John Armstrong says:

    Ichabod, thin as a post,
    Of his dancing skill often did boast
    Brom Bones got sore
    Recited local lore
    No Ichabod, no head on a ghost

  58. P Diane Schneider says:

    A cowboy just planted a post
    Repairing a fence for his host
    A cow broke it down
    And spoiled mama’s gown
    But then they enjoyed a great roast

  59. P Diane Schneider says:

    A cowboy just planted a post
    Repairing a fence for his host
    A cow broke it down
    And spoiled mama’s gown
    But then they enjoyed a great roast

  60. Byron Miller says:

    Though my woody is thick as a post,
    (And at parties, I’m likely to boast)
    It can be problematic
    (Some noes are emphatic)
    When coaxing it into a host.

  61. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 176.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Cold Limerick.