Posts Tagged ‘P Diane Schneider’

Limerick-Off Award (313)

Saturday, January 5th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

Men are taken with all types of tits –
And with buttocks. They’re perfect for mitts.
Why would anyone peer
At a face? It’s unclear,
But bosoms and buns? They’re huge hits.

Why are bosoms so cute to us chaps?
It’s the thrill of releasing the straps.
And the hooks, eyes, or lace,
Till we come breast to face
With the sight that turns men into saps.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Jewelry-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The love of my life was called Pearl,
A delightful, intelligent girl.
But she left me – I’d “dissed” her
By giving her sister,
The sexy young Ruby, a whirl.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Diane Groothuis, P Diane Schneider, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Peer or Pier or Appear” RHYME DIVISION)

Bob Dvorak:

Well, what to my eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and some deer.
I truly must stop
Downing tasty brown slop,
Ere I end up flat down on my rear.

Brian Allgar:

Said the hooker, “Your Lordship, I fear
There is nothing that I can do here.
Your ducal regalia
Is frankly a failiah –
I’m sorry, I must diss a peer.”

Tim James:

A yachtsman had drunk too much beer,
And it rendered his vision unclear.
He rammed into the dock,
Which collapsed from the shock.
As a seaman he’s quite without pier.

Sharon Neeman, for her limerick she calls “How Melania Trump Returned Safely from Africa:”

Said the cannibal chef with a sneer,
“Things are not always what they appear.
That one’s flesh has no taste;
Cooking her’s just a waste —
So don’t bring that Melania here!”

Diane Groothuis:

A woman consulted a seer
To see if her hubby was queer.
And the seer said “He’s gay.
Get yourself a new lay.
Don’t wait for his peer to appear.”

P Diane Schneider:

The jury box stifled a jeer,
And kitty cat shuddered in fear.
There’s word in the air
This trial is not fair;
No canine here looks like a peer.

Byron Miller:

My kitchen sink’s leaking. Oh dear!
And an overweight tradesman is here.
The one thing with a plumber
That’s always a bummer
Is having his butt crack appear.

Tony Holmes:

It is time I revealed what took place
On the day I was whisked into space.
They don’t probe, poke, or peer,
Or indeed, interfere;
But they push pretty hard for first base.

Lisi Nortman:

In the afterlife, I shall appear
As a ghost to some “pains in the rear.”
I know who I’ll haunt
And certainly taunt.
My list’s getting longer each year.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A big fellow who drank lots of beer
Took pride in his skill as a pee-er.
His incredible aim
Gained the man bar room fame,
Till he once hit a cop in the rear.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (JEWELRY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Jake gave Cindy a ring set with jade,
Not with diamonds–so Cindy, dismayed
Gave to Jake, in return,
An asparagus fern.
(Seemed a pretty fair balance of trade.)

Dave Johnson:

“I know what to say when they call me.”
Says a popular gal from Snoqualmie.
She told her friend Mike:
“We can smooch, if you like;
Bring bling if you’re looking to ball me.”

Brian Allgar:

The Professor would constantly whine:
“How I loathe all those students of mine!
It is hell everlasting
To spend my life casting
Fake pearls before genuine swine.”

Sharon Neeman:

Clooney offered fair Bridget a necklace
If she’d come to his bed and be reckless.
“Why, begorrah, it’s glass!”
Cried the sweet Irish lass;
“Get ye gone, now — ye’ll always be feckless!”

Tony Holmes:

Her best friends are all diamonds, it’s said;
She has one for each time she’s been wed.
By a very old trick,
Without shovel or pick,
She has mined all her carbon in bed.

Tim James:

She has rings on her fingers and toes;
There are studs in her ears, tongue and nose.
But her guy doesn’t mind.
And there’s more bling to find
If down’s the direction he goes.

Lisi Nortman:

To find the right man, I’ve been told,
He should not be too young or too old.
But regardless of age,
My dear mother the “sage,”
Said “Honey, just go for the gold.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

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