Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Peer or Pier or Appear at the end of any one line

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Peer or Pier or Appear at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to Jewelry, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Jewelry-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on January 6, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you three full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 5, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

We ordered some wine and a beer
And waited for both to appear.
But neither drink came.
Empty noggin to blame?
We got eggnog … instead of good cheer.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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267 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Peer or Pier or Appear at the end of any one line”

  1. Tony Holmes says:

    Her best friends are all diamonds, it’s said;
    She has one for each time she’s been wed.
    By a very old trick,
    Without shovel or pick,
    She’s mined all of her carbon in bed.

  2. Lisi Nortman says:

    You’ll notice each day of the year
    Those ladies who stand by the pier
    They’ll cost you some dough
    And make sure that you know
    It’s a rule that’s discernibly clear.

  3. Lisi Nortman says:

    Of all of my co-workers things
    Are her jewels more lavish than king’s!
    Every day at the close
    She hurriedly goes
    To the bank to say, “Hi” to her rings.

  4. Jean McEwen says:

    Pervy Pete, stealth voyeur, loves to leer
    At June’s jumbo-sized tits and her rear.
    Clueless June’s unaware
    Of Pete’s lecherous stare
    Because only through panes dares Pete peer.

  5. Jean McEwen says:

    Jake gave Cindy a ring set with jade,
    Not with diamonds–so Cindy, dismayed
    Gave to Jake, in return,
    An asparagus fern.
    (Seemed a pretty fair balance of trade.)

  6. Lisi Nortman says:

    At work Mary Jane was my peer
    (Saw each other each day of the year)
    But the new boss was smitten
    He called her his “kitten”
    And bestowed her a brand new career.

  7. Lisi Nortman says:

    On the surface it sure does appear
    That “hubby” and I are sincere
    But last night from afar
    I looked in his car
    And saw a real plump zaftig rear

  8. Tim James says:

    A yachtsman had drunk too much beer
    And it rendered his vision unclear.
    He rammed into the dock,
    Which collapsed from the shock.
    As a seaman he’s quite without pier.

  9. Lisi Nortman says:

    another take on my previous limerick

    On the surface it seems to appear
    That my “hubby” and I are sincere
    But last night from afar
    I looked in his car
    And noticed a hump in the rear

  10. David Friedm says:

    A prudish young fellow named Simon
    Bought his fiancee a diamond
    But then took it back
    When he learned in the sack
    She’d already busted her hymen.

  11. Lisi Nortman says:

    Better!

    You’ll notice each day of the year
    Those ladies who stand by the pier
    They will cost you some dough
    And make sure that you know
    That’s the RULE! for their trampy career.

  12. Tony Holmes says:

    Revised

    Her best friends are all diamonds, it’s said;
    She has one for each time she’s been wed.
    By a very old trick,
    Without shovel or pick,
    She mines all of her carbon in bed.

  13. Lisi Nortman says:

    My son has a ring in his nose
    Well, that’s the cool style (I suppose!)
    When it’s time for his blow
    He tries to go slow
    Yet that ring still shoots down to his toes.

  14. John Shardlow says:

    There was a lass from Newcastle
    Who thought her pubes looked a frazzle
    She crossed over the Tyne
    Drank two bottles of wine
    And came back with a sparkling vajazzle

  15. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m just so in love with “Sweet Chuck”‘
    He gave me a ring, (What good luck!)
    I was really impressed
    And he proudly expressed:
    “It came from the back of a truck”

  16. John Shardlow says:

    His partner was showing concern
    For an unblemished penis she’d yearn
    He was not to be trusted
    It was Jewel encrusted
    She soon was feeling the burn

  17. Byron Miller says:

    My kitchen sink’s leaking. Oh dear!
    And an overweight tradesman is here.
    The one thing with a plumber
    That’s always a bummer
    Is having his butt crack appear.

  18. Judith H. Block says:

    Buying jewelry- I can’t desist.
    Never have too much- you get my gist!
    They’re wearable works of art,
    I was hooked from the start.
    That gorgeous pendant! How can I resist!

  19. Judith H. Block says:

    Pay attention and it is quite clear
    That things are much worse than they appear.
    The planet is dying,
    Sick of GOP lying.
    Repubs do what they want and just sneer.

  20. Judith H. Block says:

    The seagulls all fly by the pier,
    Their eyes are sharp-focused and clear.
    When they see food, they fight
    Flap their wings, sometimes bite.
    It’s a life that’s quite harsh and austere.

  21. Judith H. Block says:

    Smoked sturgeon, caviar without peer,
    The prices of those foods are quite dear.
    My ego demanded
    Can’t leave empty-handed.
    So settled on lox, bagel, a schmear.

  22. Byron Miller says:

    Ever wonder, when sovereigns are crowned,
    Why the headpiece, where jewels surround?
    Well, they represent eyes,
    Made all-seeing and wise.
    There’s no hiding where you won’t be found.

  23. Judith H. Block says:

    I went to the bar on the pier,
    Ate some nuts, drank a dark German beer.
    Guy started feeding the birds,
    I gave him some choice words..
    Attacking gulls were just getting too near.

  24. Judith H. Block says:

    My mother’s jewels were all rhinestones or glass,
    Things a child thought were real, weren’t, alas.
    All man-made/created
    All silver/ gold plated,
    A terrible remembrance of things past.

  25. Lisi Nortman says:

    Revised

    I’m just so in love with “Sweet Chuck”
    He gave me a ring! What great luck!
    I was really impressed
    And he proudly expressed:
    “It fell off of the back of a truck”

  26. Tim Gray says:

    Now young lady, just listen here,
    I’m a toff, I’m a Lord, I’m a Peer.
    Well I’m Minnie Mouse,
    Get out of my house,
    The brothel is right over there.

  27. Lisi Nortman says:

    Revision for better grammar

    My co-worker’s favorite things
    Are her jewels, (as grand as a king’s!)
    Each night when we close
    She hurriedly goes
    To the bank to say, “Hi” to her rings

  28. Judith H. Block says:

    He is a disgrace without peer,
    He mocks women’s looks without fear.
    Pussy-grabber in Chief;
    Corrupt, immoral thief,
    We must depose trashy King Leer.

  29. John Shardlow says:

    Pearl, Amber, Ruby and Jade
    Got paid by the men that they laid
    The less they were wearing
    The more they were earning
    Just one of the tricks of the trade

  30. Brian Allgar says:

    Said the hooker, “Your Lordship, I fear
    There is nothing that I can do here.
    Your ducal regalia
    Is frankly a failure –
    I’m sorry, I must diss a peer.”

  31. Brian Allgar says:

    The Professor would constantly whine:
    “How I loathe all those students of mine!
    It is hell everlasting
    To spend my life casting
    Fake pearls before genuine swine.”

  32. Sharon Neeman says:

    How Melania Trump Returned Safely from Africa

    Said the cannibal chef with a sneer,
    “Things are not always what they appear.
    That one’s flesh has no taste;
    Cooking her’s just a waste —
    So don’t bring that Melania here!”

  33. Sharon Neeman says:

    Clooney offered fair Bridget a necklace
    If she’d come to his bed and be reckless.
    “Why, begorrah, it’s glass!”
    Cried the sweet Irish lass;
    “Get ye gone, now — ye’ll always be feckless!”

  34. Sharon Neeman says:

    Nonchalant? Well, I might be mistaken,
    But I do think Big Orange is fakin’ —
    ‘Cause it sure looks from here
    Like a very short pier
    And a very long walk he’ll be takin’.

  35. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m not bragging, but have to admit
    This “Diet for Senior’s” a hit!
    My clothes are still tight
    I may look like a fright
    But my earrings from high school still fit!

  36. Diane Groothuis says:

    He gave her a big diamond ring
    He knew she would fall for the bling
    But said “Sorry no sex”
    As he paid his respects
    He had bling but he didn’t have “zing”..

  37. Diane Groothuis says:

    To find out she consulted a seer
    To see if her hubby was queer
    And the seer said “He’s gay
    Get yourself a new lay”
    Don’t wait for his peer to appear.

  38. Lisi Nortman says:

    My life is no longer ideal
    What happened is just so unreal:
    I lost my “mood ring”
    Just cannot eat a thing
    Cause I really don’t know how I feel.

  39. Brian Allgar says:

    The love of my life was called Pearl,
    A delightful, intelligent girl.
    But she left me – I’d “dissed” her
    By giving her sister,
    The sexy young Ruby, a whirl.

  40. Lisi Nortman says:

    He said, “Please get naked, my Dear”
    “Let’s call this “Our Shining Premiere”
    Fifty years have gone by
    And my spouse makes me cry
    Cause now all he does is just peer.

  41. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: above limerick: line 4 reads “Now my spouse makes me cry”
    Could you please change it to “And my spouse makes me cry”
    (as not to use “now” twice)
    Thank You
    Lisi

    ***
    Done.

  42. John Shardlow says:

    If you’re having gut problems, don’t quit
    Before pearl in the oyster, there’s grit
    Don’t dry sloppy motions
    With excessive potions
    You’ll be blocked up like Sherlock, no shit!

  43. Brian Allgar says:

    Said Melania to Donald, “I fear
    That you won’t like the way they appear.
    But Vladimir said
    That the trees must be red,
    And you know that he owns you now, dear.”

  44. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Fix Up Date”

    He said, “Let us meet at the pier”
    EEK! He looked like an over-stuffed deer
    He had antlers for ears
    Really pointy like spears
    I bestowed him a lovely Bronx Cheer.

  45. As part of tradition next year,
    Trump’s new Chief of Staff will appear.
    Since Mick’s quoted sayin’
    Trump’s a terrible bein’,
    what’s it say if Agent Orange’s now peer?!?

  46. Diane Groothuis says:

    “Those rocks don’t lose their shape” she said
    As she lounged on his large king size bed
    “They’re a joy to behold
    So I just go for gold
    And your diamonds leave Ruby’s for dead”

  47. Tim Gray says:

    Revised

    Now young lady you have nothing to fear,
    I’m a toff, I’m a Lord, I’m a Peer.
    Well I’m Minnie Mouse,
    Get out of my house,
    The brothel is there, NOT IN HERE!

  48. Tim Gray says:

    In smarts I have nary a peer
    So from Muller I’ve nothing to fear.
    You can see those I’m sacking
    That they are all lacking.
    Seems I’ll be the last one still here.

  49. Alan W. Webb says:

    You’re more lovely than fair Apollonia
    I would court you from here to Estonia.
    He said,”This diamond ring
    Proves my loves the real thing.”
    But she found it was cubic zirconia.

  50. Alan W. Webb says:

    It’s a garnet, a ruby it’s not.
    Vs. emerald, peridot’s not so hot
    It’s easily seen
    That one’s red and one’s green,
    But, frankly, that’s all that they’ve got.

  51. Alan W. Webb says:

    It takes amethyst and aquamarine.
    Emerald, peridot and citrine
    Sapphire, morganite,
    Topaz,tanzanite,
    And diamond for crowning the queen.

  52. Alan W. Webb says:

    There once was a girl from Estonia
    Who could drive men to pure catatonia.
    Her huge diamond ring
    Seemed like serious bling.
    ’Til we found it was cubic zirconia.

  53. Alan W. Webb says:

    A sleigh and eight tiny reindeer
    To my wondering eyes did appear,
    But that old man in red?
    “You’ve been pouting,” he said.
    And drove right on by me this year

  54. Sharon Neeman says:

    D.T. and his sidekick, J.K.,
    Deck their “trophies” in jewels each day —
    But what I’d love to see
    Is those two (K. and T.)
    Clamped in “bracelets” and carted away!

  55. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Pres has another career
    (To the people, he’s made it real clear)
    It’s a hobby real lewd
    In which bimbos ask, “Dude
    Just when will the magic appear?”

  56. Lisi Nortman says:

    We only have sex once a year
    My “hubby” said, “Listen, now dear:
    “For a man who is fading
    It’s really worth waiting
    Cause in summer, it starts to appear”

  57. Lisi Nortman says:

    A fable heard year after year
    Has been changed, but there’s no need to fear
    Snow White was okay
    But on one certain day
    Her HAPPY face did not appear.

  58. Lisi Nortman says:

    Now here was a really great year:
    Sixty Three! We “made out” and drank beer!
    The ” drive in” was cool
    (Never followed a rule)
    And we prayed that the cops wouldn’t peer.

  59. Lisi Nortman says:

    “I bought you a necklace, Michelle!
    With diamonds as clear as a bell!”
    “Oh my dear; you are sweet!
    Now I feel so complete!
    But I’ve got enough gems (LOL)”

  60. Dave Johnson says:

    Aside from just having a fling,
    Her exes share one common thing.
    Have fun – they sure did,
    But then each ran and hid
    When she said “Now show me the ring!”

  61. Brian Allgar says:

    “Our petition detailed a shocking pattern of illegality involving the Trump Foundation — including unlawful coordination with the Trump presidential campaign, repeated and willful self-dealing, and much more. This amounted to the Trump Foundation functioning as little more than a checkbook to serve Mr. Trump’s business and political interests.”

    Retribution begins to appear!
    The judicial meat-grinder is here.
    Trump’s Foundation’s dissolved,
    And the people involved
    Will be mincemeat, we hope, by next year.

  62. Sharon Neeman says:

    From bogus degrees to bad steaks,
    He has sold us a boatload of fakes –
    But it starts to appear
    That this sad racketeer
    Will do time, for as long as it takes.

  63. Tim Gray says:

    I lost me a whole heap of blood
    When I got me a new navel stud.
    I couldn’t be sillier
    Cos I’ve got haemophilia,
    And it came out just like Noah’s Flood.

  64. Tim Gray says:

    “That’s not the tiara I want!”
    Said Meghan, her nose out of joint.
    Then the Queen put her straight,
    “You selfish ingrate,
    I am the one to anoint.”

  65. Tony Holmes says:

    “Check me out!’ Ginger Thomas would leer,
    Quite convinced that he hadn’t a peer.
    Then his owner said, “Pet!
    Say ‘Hello’ to the vet;
    Start adjusting to life as a steer.”

  66. John Shardlow says:

    It’s always a little bit chancy
    When choosing a gift for my Nancy
    Not the usual bling,
    Maybe clitoral ring
    Would really tickle her fancy

  67. Valerie Fish says:

    Under the boardwalk of Brighton pier
    A drunken encounter cost me dear
    I gave him my all
    Up against the wall
    The little‘n’s due early next year

  68. Mike Moulton says:

    Said Mueller, “Despite all the jeers,
    Each day as his reckoning nears,
    Our final details
    Involve checking out jails
    To find Trump a jury of his peers.”

  69. Michael P. Moulton says:

    updated version

    Said Mueller, “Despite all the jeers,
    Each day as his reckoning nears,
    Trump bites his nails
    As we look in jails
    To find him a jury of his peers.”

  70. Lisi Nortman says:

    Got a necklace, so if I should fall
    The medics in town get a call.
    The device somehow failed
    In the bath tub I sailed
    (Button blocked by my son-in-law Paul)

  71. Lisi Nortman says:

    The ocean was blue and so clear
    We sat there in awe every year
    Then Jimmy confessed
    In bed I’m “not best”
    So I pushed him right off of the pier

  72. Lisi Nortman says:

    We kissed at the Baltimore pier
    He called me his “sweet darling dear”
    But I got so depressed
    When he reached for my chest
    Those falsies would just not adhere

  73. Lisi Nortman says:

    At first Bobby started to peer
    He wasted no time (made it clear!)
    He ripped off my dress
    I then said, in distress
    “I insist that we start in first gear.

  74. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Swatch Watch” intended for casual wear founded in 1983

    I told him I wanted a watch
    The kind that’s “real cool” called a “Swatch”
    He said, “OKAY DEAL!
    I’ll buy one with appeal
    If you show me your beautiful crotch”

  75. Lisi Nortman says:

    Correction

    I’ve a necklace, so if I should fall
    The medics in town get a call
    In the bathtub I sailed
    This device truly failed
    (It was smashed by my son-in-law Paul)

  76. Tim James says:

    She has rings on her fingers and toes;
    There are studs in her ears, tongue and nose.
    But her guy doesn’t mind.
    And there’s more bling to find
    If down’s the direction he goes.

  77. Tim Gray says:

    Watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s
    Caused me to have an epiphany.
    There’s no need to buy
    If you are nigh
    And can’t buy one earring, if any.

  78. Tim Gray says:

    We like to think we have made it
    Having fortune amassed and displayed it.
    Spurred, ‘twould appear
    By greed and fear,
    Of compassion and love? We betrayed it!

  79. Tim Gray says:

    Mr Morgan, it would appear
    Had a thing for Meghan, The Dear.
    Not one to tarry
    Once she’d met Harry
    Caused her, spectre like, to disappear.

  80. Tim Gray says:

    You’ve got to go to this site,
    It’ll keep you up surfing all night.
    They’ve got an App here
    That seems your thoughts steer
    And keeps whetting your App-E-tite.

  81. Kirk Miller says:

    Sailors’ file sharing network won’t fear
    Prosecution from government here
    ‘Cause they have many sorts
    Of connections at ports.
    So their network is called peer-to-pier.

  82. Lisi Nortman says:

    One of life’s great learning “tools”
    Is a proverb that’s taught in our schools”
    “Do unto others
    As if they were brothers
    And the one with gold gems makes the rules”

  83. Lisi Nortman says:

    Here comes Susie! It sure does appear
    That she’s bringing a Christmas gift, dear!
    It’s called “Candle For Praying”
    And I just heard her saying
    She got all of the wax from your ear!

  84. Lisi Nortman says:

    My Janie’s now 20, I fear
    She’ll be all alone like last year.
    So I found her a “catch”
    And I think it’s a match
    In his 90’s, he seems to appear.

  85. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction: better!

    Here comes Susie! It sure does appear
    That she’s bringing your Christmas gift, dear
    Last night she was saying
    It’s a “Candle For Praying”
    And got all her wax from your ear.

  86. Lisi Nortman says:

    another version of a previous limerick

    I’ve a necklace, so if I should fall
    The medics in town get a call
    I pretended to slip
    Cause they’re all just so hip
    We boogied and danced. Had a ball

  87. Valerie Fish says:

    Why does daddy always disappear
    When it’s time for Santa to appear
    I used to believe
    Until this Christmas Eve
    They’re one and the same person, I fear

  88. Tim James says:

    The vegetable stand would appear
    To be managed by pirates this year.
    Their particular vice is
    They charge extreme prices.
    Their corn costs a full buccaneer.

  89. John Shardlow says:

    Queen Victoria’s Consort gave his name to this type of ornament.

    A ‘Prince Albert’s’ a ring you might fear
    With the fitting, you might shed a tear
    Lords asked “If I can bear it,
    Then where shall I wear it”?
    Of course, on the end of the peer!

  90. Lisi Nortman says:

    Years ago, I just loved all the girls
    Especially “Sue” with the curls
    This gal was so slow
    And near Christmas, said, “Joe
    Can you give me some wisdom of pearls?”

  91. Lisi Nortman says:

    Let me tell you ’bout real stingy Max
    (Also lazy, just wants to “relax”)
    Diamond earrings I crave
    So for Christmas he gave
    Me the ones that I want, just the backs.

  92. Lisi Nortman says:

    The High Cost Of Jewelry

    Gee! Tiffany’s has a chic box
    That blue one I bought her just “rocks”
    I can’t afford rings
    Or them real fancy blings
    So I filled it with bagels and lox.

  93. Lisi Nortman says:

    My husband’s a really nice guy
    Yet diamonds, he just will not buy!
    He says, “Lucy Dear
    I have made it real clear:
    They’re way up in the marmalade sky”

  94. Tony Holmes says:

    Terminology don’t mean a thing;
    Call it ornament, jewel or bling.
    There’s no if and no but,
    Carat, colour and cut
    Give whatever you call it, its zing.

  95. Tony Holmes says:

    Cad’s are not what they try to appear,
    And your virtue, young ladies, is dear.
    So, beware! Stay on guard;
    Don’t sell cheap; bargain hard.
    And make sure that the contract is clear.

  96. Carolyn P Henly says:

    There once was a man without peer
    Who could see only from his left ear.
    When he tried to turn right
    He got lost in the night
    And he didn’t come back for a year.

  97. Lisi Nortman says:

    My divorce is now finally here
    He cheated on me every year!
    Then he stole my iPhone
    (Makes me feel so alone)
    Back in court he must now reappear

  98. Lisi Nortman says:

    Jane wears precious stones on her wrist
    In the hopes that someday she’ll be kissed
    If she just took a shower
    She’d gain much more power
    And could toss that damn thing in the mist

  99. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: line 5 of above limerick:” And could toss that damn thing in the mist”
    should be “And toss that damn thing in the mist”
    Could you fix that for me?
    Thank you, Lisi

  100. Lisi Nortman says:

    To find the right man, I’ve been told
    He should not be too young or too old
    But regardless of age
    My dear mother the “sage”
    Said, “Honey, just go for the gold”

  101. Tim Gray says:

    Between the lines, there runs a thread
    Of all should be, but isn’t said.
    So let’s be clear
    They now appear…
    Oh damn, they’ve gone from my head.

  102. Tim Gray says:

    The States, “Land of the Walled.”
    By Trump, the budget forestalled.
    It seems to appear
    He spreads no Christmas cheer
    “The Free”, should be rightly appalled.

  103. Tim Gray says:

    Into the night sky I peer
    To locate the sound I can hear.
    The soft faint sound swells,
    It’s jingling bells,
    It seems that Santa is here.

  104. Lisi Nortman says:

    Said the partridge who lived in a tree
    Our song is not right for Marie!
    Her fingers are bare
    So five rings she must wear
    Let’s get rid of line six. You agree?

  105. Lisi Nortman says:

    Better

    Said the partridge who lived in a tree
    Our song is not right for Marie!
    Her fingers are bare
    Golden rings she must wear
    Let’s get rid of line six. You agree?

  106. Lisi Nortman says:

    Sang America’s favorite sing’a
    “Those baubles they sure jinga ling’a”
    If he buys you a ring
    With “Ole Blue Eyes” you’ll sing:
    “I’m so happy it’s now on my fing’a”

  107. Lisi Nortman says:

    Oops! Didn’t read the song correctly!
    Try again

    Said the partridge who lived in a tree
    I’m so happy to meet you, Marie
    Your fingers were bare
    Golden rings you now wear
    All because of line six. You agree?

  108. Tim Gray says:

    The song of Christmas time cheer
    Says ten leaping Lords do appear.
    One’s missing a Lady,
    Her name is Miss Sadie,
    She’s under the stairs with the Peer.

  109. Diane Groothuis says:

    Round her neck was a necklace of jade
    In a setting so proudly displayed
    Was a present from Jim
    But if you asked him
    He’d say “It is fake. I’m afraid”

  110. Lisi Nortman says:

    We “senior” gals all want that ring
    In hopes for that one “final fling”
    We sure dress to kill
    Cuz we’re waiting until
    Our hearts will again go zing zing.

  111. Tony Holmes says:

    At Mad’s suggestion, I am posting Jean McEwen’s excellent Limerick in advance of my own verses which took inspiration from her verse, and explore the possibilty that June is not as innocent as she may seem. All respect to Jean.

    “Pervy Pete, stealth voyeur, loves to leer
    At June’s jumbo-sized tits and her rear.
    Clueless June’s unaware
    Of Pete’s lecherous stare
    Because only through panes dares Pete peer.”

    Jean McEwen

    Pervy Pete’, would by stealth, watch and leer
    At June’s thirty-six Ds and her rear,
    Thinking, “June’s unaware
    Of my lecherous stare.”
    But things aren’t as they sometimes appear.

    Fully conscious of Pete’s lustful scan,
    June has taken great pains for ‘her’ man.
    And each night, something new
    Is presented to view,
    To hold interest as long as she can.

    Me

  112. Tony Holmes says:

    Or – and please bear in mind, Van Gogh had his sunflowers and I merely follow his lead.

    Pervy Pete’, would by stealth, watch and leer
    At June’s thirty-six Ds and her rear,
    Thinking, “June’s unaware
    Of my lecherous stare.”
    But things aren’t as they sometimes appear.

    June embraces Pete’s lecherous stare,
    And has gone to great lengths to prepare,
    For a nightly routine,
    Only slightly obscene,
    That is both entertaining and rare.

  113. Tony Holmes says:

    On an out of the way seaside pier
    Skulks a second-rate, short-sighted seer.
    He’ll predict, so to speak,
    What might happen next week,
    But beyond that his vison’s unclear.

  114. Tony Holmes says:

    Keen voyeur, Dexter ogles by stealth.
    Well, some habits can damage one’s health.
    Never one to appear
    Partisan, he will leer
    Irrespective of station or wealth.

  115. Tony Holmes says:

    June and Peter are soulmates, of sorts.
    Peter ogles while Junie cavorts.
    If his interest should wane,
    She’d be no one again,
    And she’d stiff competition from sports.

  116. Tony Holmes says:

    Mystic Madge plies her trade on the pier.
    Drawing punters both distant and near.
    Does she have second sight?
    One prediction came right.
    Ever since she’s been hailed as a seer.

  117. Tony Holmes says:

    June and Peter are are soulmates, of sorts.
    Peter ogles while Junie cavorts.
    Should his interest wane,
    She’d be no one, again,
    And she’s stiff competition from sports.

  118. Tony Holmes says:

    When one garners a rep’ as a seer,
    One is frequently pestered to peer
    Into issues diverse,
    Or obscure, or perverse,
    And expected to make matters clear.

  119. Tony Holmes says:

    When one garners a rep’ as a seer,
    One is frequently pestered to peer
    Into issues diffuse,
    Recondite and abstruse,
    And make plain what before was unclear.

  120. Lisi Nortman says:

    (The Truth; it’s Fabulous)

    I’m so glad that I’m now living here
    I could go every day of the year
    To a place that’s so neat
    And just really a treat
    It’s Chicago’s renowned “Navy Pier”

    I’m so glad that I’m now living here
    I could go every day of the year
    Surely one of a kind
    I must brag; please don’t mind
    It’s Chicago’s renowned “Navy Pier”

  121. Tony Holmes says:

    Better, I think.

    When one garners a rep’ as a seer,
    One is frequently pestered to peer
    Into matters diverse,
    Or obscure, or perverse,
    And expected to render them clear.

  122. Lisi Nortman says:

    On the surface, it seemed to appear
    That my wife and myself were sincere
    But she nagged me all day
    Was a “pain in the A”
    I’m so glad that I no longer hear

  123. Tony Holmes says:

    Are you wanting control of a bull?
    Put a ring through his nose and then pull.
    A ‘Prince Albert’ will sting,
    But do much the same thing;
    Shame you can’t eat a man like a bull.

  124. Tony Holmes says:

    Tucked away on the end of the pier,
    Lives a short-sighted, second-rate seer.
    He’ll consult, if you wish,
    Via satellite dish,
    If prevailing conditions are clear.

  125. Lisi Nortman says:

    It’s fun to sit out by the pier
    On a day when the water’s so clear
    If you jump off the dock
    Hit your head on a rock
    You’ll know that you’ve had too much beer.

  126. Lisi Nortman says:

    another version

    It’s fun to sit out by the pier
    On a day when the water’s so clear
    If you take a swan dive
    Then don’t think you’re alive
    You’ll know that you’ve had too much beer

  127. Tony Holmes says:

    So, I’m clinched with my girl by the pier,
    When, unbidden, Brad Pitt did appear
    In my mind. Would you say,
    “Face it, Mate! You are gay.”?
    It’s a question to ponder. How queer.

  128. Tony Holmes says:

    A collection of stones was the plan,
    Which meant saddling herself with a man.
    Filthy rich, well insured,
    Deaf and blind; once secured,
    She’d have leisure to shorten his span.

  129. Tony Holmes says:

    A collection of stones was the plan,
    So, she saddled herself with a man.
    Filthy rich, well insured,
    Deaf and blind; once secured,
    She took measures to shorten his span.

  130. Kirk Miller says:

    The trouble with Congress this year
    Is the same as before, ‘twould appear.
    All their falsehoods are jokes.
    They’re re-lie-able folks
    Who seek power and money; that’s clear.

  131. Tony Holmes says:

    Summer days on the beach, catching rays;
    Getting bronzed, watching babes, making plays.
    Then at night, necking beer,
    ‘Round the fire by the pier,
    Taking bets on the ‘wills’ and the ‘mays’.

  132. Tony Holmes says:

    As he fastened the necklace in place,
    He betrayed, by a twitch of his face,
    That this gift made her his,
    But, the thing of it is,
    It was she who’d snared him, in this case.

  133. Tony Holmes says:

    Minor variation.

    As he fastened the necklace in place,
    He betrayed, by the smile on his face.
    That he thought, she was his,
    But the thing of it is,
    He was hers, as is often the case.

  134. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’ve got earrings and bracelets, galore
    With all of the rich guys I score
    Now I’m moving away
    In this town I can’t stay
    Gotta find some more dupes. I want more.

  135. Tony Holmes says:

    So, I’m clinched with my girl, by the pier,
    When, unbidden, Brad Pitt did appear
    In my mind. Would you say,
    “Face it, Mate! You are gay.”?
    It’s a question to ponder. How queer.

    Deeply troubled, depressed and in doubt,
    I was told, “Mate! You’d better watch out.”
    Angelina Jolie
    Had come looking for me;
    Well! I wonder what that’s all about?

  136. Tony Holmes says:

    Are you on steroids, Lisi? I can’t keep up with you. LOL.

  137. Tony Holmes says:

    Another Improvement.

    As he fastened the necklace in place,
    He betrayed, by a twitch of his face,
    That this gift made her his,
    But, the thing of it is,
    It was she who’d snared him; watch this space.

  138. Tony Holmes says:

    That should be the end of it.

    So, I’m clinched with my girl, by the pier,
    When, unbidden, Brad Pitt did appear
    In my mind. Would you say,
    “Face it, Mate! You are gay.”?
    It’s a question to ponder. How queer.

    Deeply troubled, depressed and in doubt,
    I was told, “Mate! You’d better watch out.”
    Angelina Jolie
    Had come looking for me;
    Well! I wonder what that’s all about?

    Well, Brad Pitt has some issues, it seems,
    And has visions of me in his dreams.
    Ms Jolie, not best pleased,
    Took exception and squeezed,
    And I’m told you can still hear the screams.

  139. Tony Holmes says:

    Sorry! Had to be done.

    So, I’m clinched with my girl, by the pier,
    When, unbidden, Brad Pitt did appear
    In my mind. Would you say,
    “Face it, Mate! You are gay.”?
    It’s a question to ponder. How queer.

    Deeply troubled, depressed and in doubt,
    I was told, “Mate! You’d better watch out.”
    Angelina Jolie
    Had come looking for me;
    Well! I wonder what that’s all about?

    Poor Brad Pitt! Has some issues, it seems,
    And has visions of me in his dreams.
    Ms Jolie, not best pleased,
    Took exception and squeezed.
    Someone said you can still hear the screams.

  140. Tony Holmes says:

    Having plundered the men of this land,
    Lady pirate Delicia Salkand,
    Set a course for new shores,
    Seeking wealthy amours,
    With her treasure chest ready at hand.

  141. Bob Dvorak says:

    Well, what to my eyes did appear,
    But a miniature sleigh and some deer?
    I truly must stop
    Downing tasty brown slop
    Ere I end up flat down on my rear.

  142. P Diane Schneider says:

    The jury box stifled a jeer
    And kitty cat shuddered in fear
    There’s word in the air
    This trial is not fair
    No canine here looks like a peer


  143. Trump is a pee-er without peer.
    But he often misses? Never fear!
    For the mellow fellow
    Gilds his toilets yellow,
    Hence the golden showers disappear!

  144. Tony Holmes says:

    “This is Harvey. Please welcome him here.
    He likes good conversation and beer.
    No, this isn’t a hoax.
    He’s a Pookah – no jokes –
    And makes troubles and cares disappear.”

  145. Tony Holmes says:

    It is time I revealed what took place
    On the day I was whisked into space.
    They don’t probe, poke, or peer,
    Or indeed, interfere;
    But they push pretty hard for first base.

  146. Sharon Neeman says:

    Hey, Flu! Who invited you here?
    You’re a terrible pain in the rear —
    You’re making me ache,
    Sneeze, shiver and shake.
    Get out, for Pete’s sake! Disappear!

  147. Daisy Ward says:

    An old man fished on a pier
    Heard siren sounds that came near
    It was a mermaid he saw
    With a very long claw
    Snatching him down in her blue water pier

  148. Tony Holmes says:

    One too many syllables in the last line, I know, and I shall try to correct it; but until then..

    Clitoris, nipples, earlobes and tongue;
    Wow! I can feel it. That has to have stung.
    You want me to get one?
    Through my penis! It’s fun!
    Ain’t gonna happen! I’m too highly strung.

  149. Tony Holmes says:

    And the second line I’ve just noticed. B*m!

  150. Tony Holmes says:

    Everyone said of Walter, “He’s staid.”
    Then he married and Walter got laid.
    Why he didn’t appear
    For six weeks, was made clear,
    When a, “DO NOT DISTURB!” sign displayed.

  151. Tony Holmes says:

    People wrote off poor Walter. “He’s staid.”
    But then Wally got married – and laid.
    Cop said, “No cause for fear.”
    When they didn’t appear;
    “There’s a, “DO NOT DISTURB!” sign displayed.”

  152. Tony Holmes says:

    On occasion, Walt’ would not be swayed,
    But his wife knew that when he got laid,
    She could fondle his spear
    Till a grin would appear;
    After which, Walt’ was easily played.

  153. Lisi Nortman says:

    When wearing real gold, you just glitter
    You always feel happy, not bitter
    I buy so many rings
    And all kinds of cool blings
    I could stop, but I’m just not a quitter

  154. Lisi Nortman says:

    At “Kim Son’s” we Jews all appear
    Thus Christmas is finally here!
    Not one wonton’s a waste
    Cuz like kreplach they taste
    So go and get stuffed. Have no fear.

  155. Lisi Nortman says:

    Gee! During the course of this year
    I’ve made 500 friends, “near and dear”
    Yet Facebook’s complex
    Cause a click on the”x”
    Seems to make all of them disappear!

  156. Tony Holmes says:

    Protecting The Family Jewels

    When my wife had the stud through her clit’,
    I was shaken, I freely admit.
    “It was just a small prick.”
    She said, eyeing my dick.
    “Now I’m thinking of one for each tit.”

    She was hoping we’d reach concordat,
    As one hand gave my manhood a pat.
    “You want me to do what?
    On your bike! I will not!
    It’s barbaric! I won’t stand for that.”

  157. Lisi Nortman says:

    On the outside it seems to appear
    That our love is so truly sincere
    But inside I’m dreaming
    And secretly scheming
    To slash all your tires, my dear.

  158. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’ve lowered my standards, it’s clear
    There is no place I need to appear
    Having toddlers one knows
    You can wear dirty clothes
    And have real messy hair and not care.

  159. Lisi Nortman says:

    Political chatter this year
    On Facebook will always appear
    To keep all those friends
    Just follow the trends
    And make your opinions unclear.

  160. Tony Holmes says:

    Protecting The Family Jewels – The Saga Continues

    When my wife had the stud through her clit’,
    I was shaken, I freely admit.
    “It was just a small prick.”
    She said, eyeing my dick.
    “Now I’m thinking of one for each tit.”

    As one hand gave my manhood a pat,
    She was hoping we’d reach concordat.
    “You want me to do what?
    On your bike! I will not!
    It’s barbaric! I won’t stand for that.”

    I was shaken. How could she suggest
    That I perforate him I love best.
    Though I shrink from that course,
    These are grounds for divorce.
    It’s a cruel and unusual request.

  161. Tony Holmes says:

    Protecting The Family Jewels – A Happy End?

    When my wife had the stud through her clit’,
    I was shaken, I freely admit.
    “It was just a small prick.”
    She said, eyeing my dick.
    “Now I’m thinking of one for each tit.”

    As one hand gave my manhood a pat,
    She was hoping we’d reach concordat.
    “You want me to do what?
    On your bike! I will not!
    It’s barbaric! I won’t stand for that.”

    I was shaken. How could she suggest
    That I perforate him I love best.
    Though I shrink from that course,
    These are grounds for divorce.
    It’s a cruel and unusual request.

    Comes a time when your fears must be faced,
    Though the run-up is best if it’s paced.
    With her holding my hand
    I manned up, took my stand,
    Brought my friend to the table – and braced.

  162. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction line 5 syllable error 9:36 AM (today)

    When wearing real gold, you just glitter
    You always feel happy, not bitter
    I buy so many rings
    And all kinds of cool blings
    I shop, then shop more (I’m no quitter)

  163. Lisi Nortman says:

    It clicked and at last did appear
    Thus now it is so very clear!
    For those paychecks I yearn
    It’s real cool what I earn
    And it’s not this real dumb-ass career.

  164. Tony Holmes says:

    Protecting The Family Jewels – A Happy End?

    When my wife had the stud through her clit’,
    I was shaken, I freely admit.
    “It was just a small prick.”
    She said, eyeing my dick.
    “Next, I thought I’d have one for each tit.”

    As one hand gave my manhood a pat,
    She was hoping we’d reach concordat.
    “You want me to do what?
    On your bike! I will not!
    It’s barbaric! I won’t stand for that.”

    I was livid. How could she suggest
    That I perforate him I love best.
    Though I shrink from that course,
    These are grounds for divorce.
    It’s a cruel and unusual request.

    What to do? What to do? What to do?
    Am I making too much ballyhoo?
    I’ve a choice: Lose my wife,
    Who’s the love of my life,
    Or risk making my nightmares come true.

    Comes a time when one’s fears must be faced,
    Though the run-up is best if it’s paced.
    With her holding my hand
    I manned up, took my stand,
    Brought my friend to the table – and braced.

  165. Lisi Nortman says:

    When “seniors” get colds, they appear
    To have an intuitive fear
    They know that a sneeze
    Is no longer a breeze
    And could cause something strangely severe.

  166. Lisi Nortman says:

    At “senior” age we have no fear
    All the ladies have faces real clear
    We’re not yet down the tubes
    Cuz the weight of our boobs
    Makes our wrinkles just all disappear.

  167. John Shardlow says:

    The lies he told were barefaced
    He bought gems of dubious taste
    She married the creep
    But sold herself cheap
    When tested, the jewels were paste

  168. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction one limerick above (better)

    Senior ladies just do not have fear!
    And our faces look smooth and real clear
    We’re not “down to the tubes”
    Cuz the weight of our boobs
    Makes our wrinkles just all disappear

  169. John Shardlow says:

    Emma’s tribute Nelson

    Sex with the Sea Lord is good
    To my passion, he opened the flood
    After each battle
    We shake, roll and rattle
    I call him ‘my wee naval stud’!

  170. Tony Holmes says:

    Situate at the end of the pier,
    There’s a frightening, fast-flowing weir,
    Which is used, now and then,
    By unscrupulous men,
    To make bodies they’ve marred, disappear.

  171. Tony Holmes says:

    Don’t be fooled, older women are best,
    Though they may appear down in the chest.
    Wanton now, without fear,
    So, in bed, without peer.
    Every man who has got one is blessed.

  172. Tony Holmes says:

    Variant Endings

    Don’t be fooled, older women are best,
    Though they may appear down in the chest.
    Wanton now, without fear,
    So, in bed, without peer.
    Do not take her for granted, you’re blessed.

    Don’t be fooled, older women are best,
    Though they may appear down in the chest.
    Wanton now, without fear,
    So, in bed, without peer.
    If you happen to have one, you’re blessed.

  173. Lisi Nortman says:

    At age 90, it sure does appear
    That my social life’s picked up this year!
    ‘Tween clinics and docs
    My world really rocks
    I’m so glad my condition’s severe!

  174. Tony Holmes says:

    Better.

    On occasion, Walt’ would not be swayed,
    But his wife, when together they laid,
    Knew that stroking his spear,
    Made the frown disappear;
    After which, Walt’ was easily played.

  175. Tony Holmes says:

    Don’t be fooled, older woman is best,
    Though she may appear down in the chest.
    Wanton now, without fear,
    So, in bed, without peer.
    Do not take her for granted, you’re blessed.

  176. Lisi Nortman says:

    I missed Janet’s birthday this year
    Her reaction was very severe!
    Said I wasn’t to blame
    And it’s really a shame
    That on Facebook it didn’t appear

  177. Tony Holmes says:

    Don’t be fooled, older women are best,
    Though they may appear down in the chest.
    Wanton now, without fear,
    So, in bed, without peer.
    If you happen to have one, you’re blessed.

    Younger dames can be so cavalier;
    If you can’t cut the mustard, they sneer.
    But a matron will coax;
    With a few artful strokes,
    She will make what was missing appear.

  178. Tony Holmes says:

    Older women aren’t sugar and spice
    All the same, they are still very nice.
    They can shift through the gears,
    Under bridges or piers,
    And will often give useful advice.

  179. Lisi Nortman says:

    In the afterlife I shall appear
    As a ghost to some “pains in the rear”
    I know who I’ll haunt
    And certainly taunt
    (My list multiplies every year)

  180. Tony Holmes says:

    Don’t be fooled, older women are best,
    Though they may appear down in the chest.
    Wanton now, without fear,
    So, in bed, without peer.
    If you happen to have one, you’re blessed.

    Older women aren’t sugar and spice
    All the same, they are still very nice.
    They can shift through the gears,
    Under bridges or piers,
    And quite often, give useful advice.

    Younger dames can be so cavalier;
    If you can’t cut the mustard, they sneer.
    But a matron will coax;
    With a few artful strokes,
    She will make what was lacking, appear.

    When the old girl is really on form,
    Then twice nightly is likely the norm.
    Is she really that good?
    Well, from limp she’ll make wood,
    And encouraged, she’ll whip up a storm.

    Large or small, older women are best.
    Look beyond drooping butt, sagging breast.
    Their experience tells,
    They outshine younger gels;
    Ask my grandad, he’s all ways impressed.

  181. Tony Holmes says:

    Circumstances have made life austere,
    And long months may go by without cheer.
    But no matter my plight,
    I can trust Christmas night,
    Will see Santa make presents appear.

  182. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Melissa, it seems to appear
    When I speak, you just simply can’t hear”
    “Oh Steven, not true
    Only when I see you
    I shove cotton balls in each ear”

  183. John Shardlow says:

    After Nelson spent time ‘on the soup’
    Emma had fear he would droop
    No cure intravenous
    But a ring on his penis
    She’s happy and he’s cock-a-hoop

  184. Tony Holmes says:

    I think this gets it out of my system.

    Don’t be fooled, older women are best,
    Though they may appear down in the chest.
    Wanton now, without fear,
    So, in bed, without peer.
    If you happen to have one, you’re blessed.

    Older women aren’t sugar and spice
    All the same, they are still very nice.
    They can shift through the gears,
    Under bridges or piers,
    And quite often, give useful advice.

    Younger dames can be so cavalier;
    If you can’t cut the mustard, they sneer.
    But a matron will coax;
    With a few artful strokes,
    She will make what was lacking, appear.

    Older women are great in the sack,
    And for keeping old codgers on track.
    To the fool they appear,
    Past their best. “Well my Dear,
    Will a girl make you cum, then a snack?”

    When the old girl is really on form,
    Then twice nightly is likely the norm.
    “Is she really that good?”
    Well, from limp she’ll make wood,
    And encouraged, she’ll whip up a storm.

    Large or small, older women are best.
    Look beyond drooping butt, sagging breast.
    Their experience tells,
    They outshine younger gels;
    Ask my grandad, he’s all ways impressed.

  185. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction of line 5 of a previous limerick

    In the afterlife, I shall appear
    As a ghost to some “pains in the rear”
    I know who I’ll haunt
    And certainly taunt
    My list just gets bigger each year.

  186. Judith H. Block says:

    A romantic date under the pier,
    Till the creep slipped a drug in her beer.
    She put a gun to his head,
    “Drink it all, or you’re dead!”
    He passed out, she said, “I’m outta here!”

  187. Tony Holmes says:

    “Seaside trips,” Mum recalled, “once a year,
    Were our treat growing up around here.
    Most girls bought souvenirs,
    But I’d had a few beers,
    And have you to remember the pier.”

  188. Tony Holmes says:

    “Seaside trips,” Mum recalled, “once a year,
    Were our treat growing up around here.
    Most girls bought souvenirs,
    But I’d had a few beers;
    Thanks to you, I remember the pier.”

  189. Tony Holmes says:

    Mum sits staring, all day, into space,
    With a dreamy-eyed smile on her face.
    When I probe, she says, “Dear,
    Do not fret when I peer;
    I’m reliving a time and a place.”

  190. Tony Holmes says:

    When I pressed, Mum said, “All right, my Dear.
    You’re the product of bright lights and beer.
    I’ve no photo’ of Dad,
    He were nowt burrah lad,
    But I still have some snaps of the pier.”

  191. Tony Holmes says:

    “Seaside trips,” Mum recalled, “once a year,
    Were our treat growing up around here.
    Most girls bought souvenirs,
    But I’d had a few beers;
    But for you, I’d forgotten the pier.”

  192. Mike Moulton says:

    Sadly it seems to appear,
    Who’ll fund Trump’s wall is unclear,
    His backers would say
    He’d have Mexico pay,
    Or were those rally chants insincere?

  193. Lisi Nortman says:

    The “Google Ghost” seems to appear
    At least 50 times in one year!
    I hate my damn job
    ‘Wanna work for the mob
    It keeps saying, “No WHACK-A Career”

  194. Tony Holmes says:

    Life, at times, can be cruelly austere,
    Which turns some into men without peer.
    I break too many rules
    To be one of those fools;
    I love women and gambling and beer.

  195. Tim James says:

    I once was in Trump’s Taj Mahal
    Where I saw, in a vault in a wall,
    All his loot. No surprise
    When it greeted my eyes:
    His family jewels are quite small.

  196. Tony Holmes says:

    Life, at times, can be cruelly austere,
    Which turns some into men without peer.
    I break too many rules
    To be one of those fools;
    I’m addicted to women and beer.

  197. Tony Holmes says:

    Resilved?

    ‘Tis on nights much like this one, I fear,
    That my ghosts will conspire to appear.
    I’ll get drunk, make a fool
    Of myself – I may drool,
    Then say, “Never Again!” each New Year.

  198. Tony Holmes says:

    That should have been resolved?

  199. Tony Holmes says:

    Off Piste, But Seasonal.

    I’m resolved to do better this year.
    No more chocolate, cholesterol, or beer.
    If I’m strict, I’ll succeed;
    I can still smoke some weed
    In those moments when life’s too austere.

    This New Year I’m determined to hold
    To decisions both sweeping and bold.
    And when life’s too severe,
    I’ve got chocolate and beer;
    They can be such a comfort, I’m told.

  200. Tony Holmes says:

    I can only apologise for the inherent cynicism of this limerick. I am heartily ashamed of myself and am resolved to do better.

    New Year’s Re-Delusions?

    If you’re breaking bad habits this year,
    That will change how you think and appear,
    Take some time to reflect
    On the cause and effect;
    Have you got what it takes to adhere?

  201. Tony Holmes says:

    As I lstood on the end of the pier,
    Watching sun set, and moonlight appear,
    Someone struck from behind,
    Before robbing me blind;
    Not the best way to start the New Year.

  202. Lisi Nortman says:

    While fishing off Baltimore Pier
    I experienced something quite queer
    I caught a small note
    That a mackerel wrote
    Saying, “Busy, please come back next year”

  203. Lisi Nortman says:

    Darling Steven, it seems to appear
    That you’re crying! (I noticed a tear)
    What?? On Google PAGE TWO??
    And still not quite THROUGH?
    Your torment is now very clear!

  204. Michael P. Moulton says:

    Said Mueller, “Despite all the jeers,
    Each day as his reckoning nears,
    Trump bites his nails
    As we look in jails
    To find him a jury of his peers.”

  205. Michael P. Moulton says:

    Said Mueller, “Despite all the jeers,
    Each day as his reckoning nears,
    Trump bites his nails
    As we look in jails
    To find him a jury of his peers.”

  206. Lisi Nortman says:

    It seems to real strongly appear
    Sam chooses what HE wants to hear!
    I said, “Please clean the house”
    And my sweet darling spouse
    Said, “Thank you I WILL have a beer”

  207. Tony Holmes says:

    Does the urge to put changes in place
    Have you staring resolve in the face?
    Take a break from your fears,
    Till good sense reappears,
    Then proceed at a leisurely pace.

  208. Tim Gray says:

    At the Club, whilst in full exhort,
    A fellow pulled me up short.
    “In The Lords”, said the peer,
    ‘That’s fine, but not here.’
    Came his pointed retort

  209. Tim Gray says:

    I bought her a new diamond ring
    And thought, with joy, she would sing.
    She said, “Gee you’re selfish,
    Of carat’s it’s twelveish,
    I expected some much bigger bling”.

  210. Tim Gray says:

    The pearl, I took from the oyster,
    Deep in its submarine cloister,
    To give to My Dear
    So she won’t shed a tear
    As I and my fellow men roister.

  211. Tim Gray says:

    I thought I’d buy her a trinket.
    Yes, do more than just think it.
    Go down to the store
    And out cash I will pour,
    You know the sort? You can clink it.

  212. Tim Gray says:

    I put this on a new noticeboard at work about four years ago…

    This note is the first to appear
    On this new board that is here.
    Will it be awed
    Or Notice bored?
    We’ll know if it’s here in a year

    Related to the above, but not to the task in hand, I put this on a board at a different establishment about two years ago…

    This notice board of notes bereft
    Of all the notes just this is left
    If reading this in some way
    Helps to brighten up your day
    Yay! If not, it’s all in jeft.

  213. Tony Holmes says:

    On A Theological Note…
    (With Textual Varients)

    Dicky Dawkins, when taken with beer,
    Is convinced he’s made God disappear.
    How to tell him? “Dear Dick,
    That’s a very neat trick,
    But you’re somewhat deluded, I fear.”

    Dicky Dawkins, when taken with beer,
    Is convinced he’s made God disappear.
    How to tell him? “Dear Dick,
    That’s a very neat trick,
    But it’s Dicky’s delusion, I fear.”

  214. Tony Holmes says:

    Variation On A Favourite Theme:

    Older gals have perfected the knack;
    Makes them peerlessly good in the sack.
    Show restraint; don’t appear
    Over eager; they’ll steer,
    And when ready, they’ll take up the slack.

  215. Tony Holmes says:

    Older gals have perfected the knack;
    Makes them peerlessly good in the sack.
    Show restraint; don’t appear
    Over eager; they’ll steer,
    And when ready, they’ll take up the slack.

    Like fine wine, to be ‘bought’ when they’re young,
    And laid down. (They’ll be too highly strung.)
    When allowed to mature,
    They achieve full allure;
    These are gems to be treasured, not slung.

  216. Tony Holmes says:

    Like a gem in the snout of a pig,
    Is a voice on the lips of a prig.
    Always quick to put down;
    Ever ready to frown;
    Best defence is to not give a fig.

  217. Lisi Nortman says:

    an updated version of a previous limerick for the New Year

    While fishing off Baltimore Pier
    I experienced something quite queer
    I caught a small note
    Which a mackerel wrote:
    “Order all fish online. Starts this year”

  218. Lisi Nortman says:

    Not a Duplicate

    Political chatter this year
    On Facebook will surely appear
    To keep all those friends
    Just follow the trends
    And make your opinions unclear

  219. Lisi Nortman says:

    While musing on Baltimore Pier
    I thought about Trump with great fear
    He was not in the know
    And the song doesn’t go:
    “It wasn’t a very good year”

  220. Gina Buselli says:

    There was this lass who loved the rhinestone
    She put bling on her shoes, lunch plates, phone
    When she rhinestoned the cat
    The cat had none of that
    Pawed her phone down the porcelain throne

  221. Lisi Nortman says:

    Brett Kavanaugh said, “Let’s all peer
    At this document I hold so dear.
    It will prove I am pure
    So you’ll all know for sure
    Please take note of each calendar year”

  222. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction of a previous limerick to make more sense

    While musing at Baltimore Pier
    I thought about Trump with great fear
    He’s just not in the know
    Cuz the song doesn’t go:
    “It wasn’t a very good year”

  223. Tim Gray says:

    Hi Mad,
    Happy New Year and hope you had a great Christmas.

    Correction for January 1, 2019 at 11:39 pm

    adding an I before took is probable better.

    i.e. The pearl, I took from the oyster

    Cheers
    Tim

    *****
    Done, and happy New year back to you!

  224. Tim Gray says:

    My resolutions for the New Year
    Were to be happy and full of cheer,
    To walk everywhere
    And to be without care…
    Then these bloody Lime scooters appear.

  225. Sunny Skeeter says:

    Oh dear me oh dear me oh dear
    I never should’ve drunk so much beer
    I got myself tight
    And piddled all night
    And now I am known as the peer.

  226. Tony Holmes says:

    I’ve been drunk, which is why I feel queer,
    For twelve days, three of which are this year.
    I have had me a ball,
    But can’t seem to recall
    How I ended up under this pier.

  227. Tony Holmes says:

    Better?

    I’ve been drunk, which is why I feel queer,
    For twelve days, three of which are this year.
    Sure, I’ve had me a ball,
    But I’d like to recall
    How I ended up under this pier.

  228. Tony Holmes says:

    “If they don’t flash and sparkle, who cares?
    It’s the flashes and sparkles, that snares.
    See, the thrill of the thing
    Ain’t in wearing the bling;
    It’s the goose bumps I get when they stares.”

  229. Tony Holmes says:

    I’m resolved, in this coming New Year,
    To renounce all bad habits – and beer.
    Should I falter, be kind
    But, if need be, remind
    Why I’m banned from four pubs and the pier.

  230. Tony Holmes says:

    Santa Claus, when at last he appeared,
    Somewhat rumpled, Mum straightening his beard.
    “Do be quick! Drop your sack,
    And then, please hurry back!”
    This explains why my Dad’s been so weird.

  231. Tony Holmes says:

    Santa Claus took his time, but appeared,
    Somewhat rumpled, Mum straightening his beard.
    “You be quick! Drop your sack,
    Then do, please, hurry back!”
    Now I see why Dad’s acting so weird.

  232. Tony Holmes says:

    Sensing Santa was not far away,
    I crept out of my bedroom, but, “Hey!”
    Who but Mum should appear,
    In a negligee sheer,
    To say, “Santa! It’s Christmas. Let’s play!”

  233. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Overpaid Oversexed And Overhere” (a well-known comic line making fun
    of U.S. Army, World War Two)

    In Las Vegas it seems to appear
    That those call girls have quite a career
    At the famous “Red Light”
    A sign shines so bright:
    “Overpaid Oversexed” Entrance Here”

  234. Allan Williams says:

    The lady was irked it did appear,
    Her loutish mate liked to domineer.
    Take more of his guff?
    Enough is enough
    And she threw him right out on his ear.

  235. Lisi Nortman says:

    I came home and was terribly shocked!
    My door was smashed up and unlocked!
    Many treasures were taken
    But I wasn’t shaken
    My jewel’ry was still in its box.

  236. Tony Holmes says:

    Sensing Santa was not far away,
    I peeped out from my bedroom, but, “Hey!”
    Who but Mum should appear?
    Saying, “Ho, ho, good cheer!
    It’s your Christmas, too, Santa. Let’s play.”

  237. Tim Gray says:

    I am a leader, renowned, without peer,
    And I, our country will steer,
    To make our great state
    Once again great…
    Damn, that’s great too often I fear.

  238. Tony Holmes says:

    Bleary-eyed, he continued to peer,
    Till a voice, at once chill and severe,
    Said, “I’ll tell once more
    What I told you before.
    I can’t serve you – you’ve drunk all our beer.”

  239. Tony Holmes says:

    Sorry! Minor Omission.

    Bleary-eyed, he continued to peer,
    Till a voice, at once chill and severe,
    Said, “I’ll tell you once more
    What I told you before.
    I can’t serve you – you’ve drunk all our beer.”

  240. Tony Holmes says:

    Better last line.

    I’ve been drunk, which is why I feel queer,
    For twelve days, three of which are this year.
    Sure, I’ve had me a ball,
    But I’d like to recall
    How I managed to knock down the pier.

  241. David Friedman says:

    “My dick, Doc,” the man said, “I fear
    Is shaped like an upside-down pear;
    It’s wide there’s no doubt,
    But then won’t come out —
    And that is the reason we’re here.”

  242. David Friedman says:

    A fellow felt constant despair,
    His thing small beyond all compare,
    He got a tattoo
    That said “Objects you view
    Are larger than they may appear.”

  243. Lisi Nortman says:

    Why is it that men always peer
    At our breasts, and that habit is clear!
    Can’t remember our face
    It’s a total disgrace!
    And we’re married just over a year!

  244. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Came home early today, my sweet dear
    At the store, not a soul did appear!
    Why, “Hello, Mr. Nude
    I don’t mean to intrude”
    (I’ve a feeling there’s someone else here)

  245. Lisi Nortman says:

    I am dying, oh dear what a sin!
    Will my husband know where to begin?
    His friend Mary’s here often
    I’ve made sure that my coffin
    Gets all of my jewel’ry thrown in.

  246. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction of previous limerick…..plural, not singular

    Brett Kavanaugh said “Let’s all peer
    At these documents, I hold so dear
    They will prove I am pure
    So you’ll all know for sure:
    Please take note of each calendar year”

  247. Gina Buselli says:

    A nice waiter works on Blue Moon Pier
    He can’t tell a wine from a beer
    Or fries from tater tots
    French bread from garlic knots
    He receives one tip- get new career

  248. Lisi Nortman says:

    Janet Nasty will always annoy!
    (Every day has a devious ploy)
    Tried to steal all my rings
    And some other quaint blings
    Jealous Janet just jeers at my joy.

  249. Dave Johnson says:

    “I know what to say when they call me.”
    Says a popular gal from Snoqualmie.
    She told her friend Mike:
    “We can smooch, if you like;
    Bring bling if you’re looking to ball me.”

  250. Tony Holmes says:

    A response to lisi’s question.

    Men are taken with all types of tits –
    And with buttocks. They’re perfect for mitts.
    Why would anyone peer
    At a face? It’s unclear;
    But at bosoms and buns? They’re huge hits.

  251. Tony Holmes says:

    Ye, I know. It’s a bit bleak, but ‘Hey!’, I’m still trying.

    Certain habits have dogged my career –
    Chasing dames, snorting ‘H’ – and I fear,
    If I don’t change my course
    Then my boss may, perforce,
    Cause the spectre of doom to appear.

  252. Tony Holmes says:

    That should have been, ‘I’m running on fumes.’
    LOL.

  253. Tony Holmes says:

    Having done all that’s possible here –
    I’m tapped out, well’s run dry, neutral gear –
    I’ll sit back now and wait,
    To discover my fate,
    And for new theme and words to appear.

  254. Tony Holmes says:

    Expanded response to Lisi.

    Men are taken with all types of tits –
    And with buttocks. They’re perfect for mitts.
    Why would anyone peer
    At a face? It’s unclear;
    But at bosoms and buns? They’re huge hits.

    Why are bosoms so cute to us chaps?
    It’s the thrill of releasing the straps.
    And the hooks, eyes, or lace,
    Till we come breast to face,
    With the sight that turns men into saps.

  255. Tony Holmes says:

    “Would our guests,” said Queen Liz, “be inclined
    To nip orf to the tow’r, when we’ve dined?”
    Oh, poor queen! What a shock!
    All the jew’ls are in hock.
    And did anyone ask, “Will she mind?”

  256. Lisi Nortman says:

    Left each husband at Baltimore Pier
    Said “Good Bye” I shed only one tear
    Never saw them again
    Until last night at ten
    (Channel 6: “Star Trek’s Final Frontier”)

  257. Lisi Nortman says:

    another version of a previous limerick

    Why is it that men always peer
    At our breasts and that habit is clear!
    Can’t remember our face
    It’s a total disgrace
    HELLO!!??? I’M YOUR WIFE! LOOK UP HERE!

  258. Tony Holmes says:

    “Would our guests,” said Queen Liz, “be inclined
    To nip orf to the tow’r, when we’ve dined?”
    ‘Brace yourself for a shock –
    The Crown Jew’ls are in hock.’
    “FETCH THE FOOL THAT THOUGHT I WOULDN’T MIND.”

  259. Tony Holmes says:

    HM’s treasurers – financial bind –
    Hock Crown Jewels hoping HM won’t mind.
    “By the time she finds out,
    They’ll be back, I’ve no doubt.”
    ‘And if not?’ “Then let’s hope she’ll be kind.”

  260. Tony Holmes says:

    HM’s treasurers – financial bind –
    Hock Crown Jewels hoping HM won’t mind.
    “By the time she finds out,
    They’ll be back, I’ve no doubt.”
    ‘And if not?’ “We must hope she’ll be kind.”

  261. Tony Holmes says:

    HM’s treasurers – financial bind –
    Hock Crown Jewels, hoping HM won’t mind.
    “By the time she finds out,
    They’ll be back, I’ve no doubt.”
    ‘And if not?’ We must hope she’ll be kind.”

    “Would our guests,” said Queen Liz, “be inclined
    To nip orf to the tow’r, when we’ve dined?”
    ‘Brace yourself for a shock –
    The Crown Jew’ls are in hock.’
    “FETCH THE FOOL THAT THOUGHT I WOULDN’T MIND.”

    When Her majesty looked on the fool,
    Voice and temper were tellingly cool.
    “Get them back – sell your spread!
    It’s my bling or your head.
    Just this once I’m inclined to be cruel.”

  262. Tony Holmes says:

    It needed and ending.

    HM’s treasurers – financial bind –
    Hock Crown Jewels, hoping HM won’t mind.
    “By the time she finds out,
    They’ll be back, I’ve no doubt.”
    ‘And if not?’ We must hope she’ll be kind.”

    “Would our guests,” said Queen Liz, “be inclined
    To nip orf to the tow’r, when we’ve dined?”
    ‘Brace yourself for a shock –
    The Crown Jew’ls are in hock.’
    “FETCH THE FOOL THAT THOUGHT I WOULDN’T MIND.”

    When Her majesty looked on the fool,
    Voice and temper were tellingly cool.
    “Get them back – sell your spread!
    It’s my bling or your head.
    Just this once I’m inclined to be cruel.”

    They are back now, and out on display.
    And to make sure that that’s how things stay,
    “Men at Arms – be on guard!
    Politicians are barred
    And fair game should they get in your way.”

  263. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 313. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Cord.

  264. Margie Nairn says:

    Twas a time when Miss Mary McGreer
    like to stroll past the gents on the pier.
    As she showed ’em some leg,
    all the poor guys would beg,
    for a glimpse of that sweet derriere.

  265. Margie Nairn says:

    He saved up to buy her a ring,.
    ‘Cause he figured that bling was her thing.
    had to sell all his stock,
    just to get her that rock,
    when she heard that she quickly took wing.

  266. Margie Nairn says:

    The “gentleman” bought her a beer,
    and invited the girl to “sit here.”
    It was all fine and dandy,
    till he said: “Hey I’m Randy,
    and she said: “I am so outta here!”

  267. Margie Nairn says:

    A waiter who swam by the pier,
    developed some sand in his ear.
    When the guest asked for water,
    he brought a fly swatter.
    The problem: he just couldn’t here.

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