Posts Tagged ‘Thomas Vincent’

Limerick-Off Award (317)

Saturday, March 9th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

He gave scullers a recommendation
That they ought to use synchronization
To improve their boat’s speed,
Because what rowers need
Is a great deal of co-oar-dination.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the Special POULTRY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My chicken was glum in her coop;
She was coughing and had a bad croup.
So we called Doc Elixir,
Who told us to fix’er
By giving her hot people soup.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Charles Simmons, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, Tim James, Victor Hood, John Shardlow, Thomas Vincent, Brian Allgar, Kat Irving, Michael Moulton, Jean McEwen, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NEED OR KNEAD OR KNEED” RHYME DIVISION)

Charles Simmons:

A knight galloped up on his steed
To rescue a maiden in need.
But his horse hit a rut,
He lit on his butt,
And the fair damsel laughed till she peed.

Dave Johnson:

A baker’s assistant must heed
Instructions to get up to speed.
Now here’s my advice:
Be direct and concise;
Then give them the dough that they knead.

Fred Bortz:

My Prof warned, “There’s one thing you need
In order to be PhDed:
Your thesis committee
Must grill without pity.
It’s time that you be third-degreed.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

In “Defense Class” the ladies agreed
To follow the famed Kick-Box Creed:
“Keep real careful watch,
Go right for the crotch,
And make sure he is properly kneed.”

Tim James:

A guy with a strong carnal need
Told the girls who showed up for the deed:
“What I want, I don’t know.
Let’s just go with the flow.”
Since the gals were Trump hookers, they peed.

Victor Hood:

She said to me, “I’m in great need
Of a very large dose of some speed.
Though my body is yours,
To get into my drawers
The deal is the speed for the deed.

John Shardlow:

The Lord said to Onan, “Indeed,
I’ll slay you for spilling your seed.”
He replied “There’s no waste;
It’s wallpaper paste.
It happens when I feel the knead.”

Thomas Vincent:

An indigent baker named Reid,
Made loaves with some illegal weed.
Soon the profits did grow;
He was rolling in dough.
Not bad for a baker in knead.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (POULTRY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Doctor Spooner had verbal bad luck,
For his tongue all too often got stuck,
And he gave them a shock
At the rest’rant “Thai Wok” –
He’d intended to order Fried Duck.

Kat Irving:

The handsome young rooster was loosed
On the young of the brood. He seduced
A hen called Matilda.
The shock nearly killed her!
His chickens will come home to roost.

Mike Moulton:

A handsome young chicken named Fred
Tried to charm all the hens in the shed;
He said “I’m a great cock.”
But the hens in the flock
Saw that he was a capon and fled.

Tim James:

The detective, his face in a scowl,
At the murder scene let out a growl:
“These dead turkeys and chickens ―
The sight of them sickens!
Indeed, this is murder most fowl!”

Brian Allgar:

I enjoy a nice partridge or pheasant;
Though small, they are tasty and pleasant.
But when I am starving,
I’d rather be carving
A swan, which I’m eating at present.

Jean McEwen:

As a vegan, I follow a creed:
I shall never eat poultry; indeed,
Even eggs are taboo,
So I’ve really no clue
Why those fowl all cry foul when I feed.

Tim James:

My poultry plant foreman averred
That I’m worthless. He spat out each word:
“If that hen you just plucked
Isn’t spotless, you’re f*#%ed!
Give it here!” So I flipped him the bird.

David Friedman:

The chicken was mad and it showed:
“I’m old and forgetful,” it crowed.
“Forgotten have I
The whole reason why
I crossed this proverbial road.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (316)

Saturday, February 23rd, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a Deal-rhyme limerick and an Argument-themed limerick:

Though the guy had seduction in view,
She had argued the whole evening through.
At the end of the meal,
She explained: “Here’s the deal –
If you want me, my girl-friend comes too.”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ARGUMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

People argue online quite a bit;
Many tweets are just quarrelsome shit.
I have one thing to say
About Twitter today:
The emphasis lies on the “Twit.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN and CRAIG DYKSTRA, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Sharon Neeman:

“Let’s play cards,” said my date. “Look, I’ll deal
One card each; if you lose, you must peel.”
He drew ten; I drew nine;
He snapped “Well?” I said “Fine!” —
And prepared all the spuds for our meal.

Craig Dykstra:

Then he said “I propose something greater:
To your sexual whims I will cater.
Skip the kitchen ordeal,
We’ll make love with great zeal –
And if time allows, cook taters later!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, John Shardlow, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Thomas Vincent, Doug Harris, Victor Hood, Robert Schechter, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Judith H. Block, Jean McEwen, and Margie Nairn. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “DEAL or ORDEAL or IDEAL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ARGUMENT LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

“I’ll make dinner all week,” said my spouse,
“If you let me off cleaning the house.”
“Are you crazy? No deal!
Your idea of a meal
Is cold hot dogs! Start scrubbing, you louse!”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her acrostic limerick:

A tiff can be quite an ordeal.
Remember it takes time to heal.
Get a bottle of wine;
Uncork — don’t decline.
End your fight and go have a nice meal.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DEAL or ORDEAL or IDEAL” RHYME DIVISION)

John Shardlow:

A money mad girl from Great Billing
Was for coins of the realm always willing;
For just three pence, the deal
Would give you a feel.
Now think what she’d do for a shilling!

Tim James:

You think Stone has cojones? Get real.
He’ll take one look at Mueller and deal.
When he’s finished, this crook
Will have written a book
With the title “The Art of the Squeal.”

Brian Allgar:

The hooker gave Donald her spiel:
“Oh, your penis is simply ideal!
What a wonderful dick!
Not too long, not too thick!”
(Thinks: “It’s more of a snack than a meal.”)

Thomas Vincent:

The truth has become an ordeal,
And the facts have all lost their appeal.
Like Salvador Dali,
You betcha by golly,
Reality’s turning surreal.

Doug Harris:

“Two-for-one on new lenses, a steal,”
The optometrist said with appeal,
Through his monocle stare.
“I buy mine by the pair,”
I replied. “So it’s hardly eye-deal!”

Victor Hood:

The neophyte gambler had zeal,
So he said to the dealer, “Just deal!”
With his purse soon consumed,
He said as he fumed:
“This game has lost all its appeal.”

Robert Schechter:

I have heard people say, “Wheel and deal,”
And I know the word “deal” to be real.
In commonplace jargon
It just means to bargain,
But what does it mean when we “wheel”?

Tim James:

Achilles got quite the raw deal:
He got shot in the foot. The appeal
Went from Greece to on high:
“O you gods! Will he die?”
The response from Olympus: “Yes, he’ll.”

Byron Miller:

Social media’s such an ordeal;
It compels me to tweet how I feel.
Now I can’t sit alone
Without holding my phone
And I won’t face a book that is real.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ARGUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

The toilet roll’s really a wonder
When properly pulled from way under.
But John turned it around,
So it dropped to the ground,
And that is what tore us asunder.

Dave Johnson:

They went to a party last night
That led to a late-evening fight.
His wandering eyes
Earned a painful surprise:
“The couch!” as she reached for the light.

David Friedman:

Ann Marie argued daily with Joel,
Who would leave the seat up on the bowl.
Joel had to leave town
On the day Ann sat down
And got her ass wedged in the hole.

Judith H. Block:

The bistro had soft candle lighting.
Her smile was come-hither, inviting.
But her throat got a lump
When he praised Donald Trump,
And they ended up angry and fighting.

Jean McEwen:

Do you think I should marry my beau?
There are arguments — both con and pro.
He’s obnoxious and loud,
But he’s SO well endowed,
And it’s hard to resist all of that dough.

Dave Johnson:

They sometimes may quarrel at night;
Declaring who’s wrong and who’s right.
But then he will say
“Let’s just call it a day.”
He would much rather dicker than fight.

Margie Nairn:

I’m done with the Sunday talk shows
That feature political foes.
They will argue and spin
Over which one will win,
When the truth is that nobody knows.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (308)

Sunday, October 14th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

In the sack with an insecure guy,
She gave voice to a rapturous cry:
“You’ve a huge, awesome dick!”
It’s just part of her shtick:
When she lays, she relies on a lie.

Congratulations to Brian Allgar, who wins the Special TOOL-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I bought some new scissors. The packet
Was rigidly sealed. What a racket!
I tried – what a joke!
All my fingernails broke,
And I needed some scissors to crack it!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Ailsa McKillop, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Alan Webb, Judith H. Block, Lisi Nortman, Kathleen Bartoletti, Sharon Neeman, Bruce Alter, Dave Johnson, Ken Gosse, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRY” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Unfair!” the Republicans cry.
“Judge Kavanaugh’s our kind of guy!
Young Brett didn’t do it,
But if he did, screw it –
All boys will be boys when they’re high.”

Ailsa McKillop:

There’s a scurry; I stifle a cry.
In one second I’m yards (or well-nigh)
From the eight-legged beast —
Like lightning when greased!
In extremis, I’m really quite spry.

Thomas Vincent:

Christine has now sullied my name.
The media’s tarred me with shame.
So now I must cry,
And tell the big lie,
That Hillary Clinton’s to blame.

Tim James:

She refused to go out with me. Why?
’Cause she wants a more masculine guy.
She cut right to the quick,
Said I act like a chick.
Now excuse me. I need a good cry.

Alan Webb:

There are those who will heave a great sigh
Or, possibly, loudly decry
And come down on with hammer
The use of bad grammar
Committed by someone like I.

Judith H. Block:

When guilty, play “God card” and cry,
Shout and sniffle to cover your lie.
We don’t have to look far
To perceive what you are:
Just a callous, entitled white guy.

Lisi Nortman:

I never had sex with a guy
Till I married last eighth of July.
When he showed me his stuff,
My decision was tough:
Should I laugh or just break down and cry?

Kathleen Bartoletti:

’Twas a warm summer night, star-lit sky;
Urgent pleas in the dark, then a cry
As a spotlight uncovers
Two near-naked lovers
On the grass — and a cop standing by.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOOL LIMERICK DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

If you listened to all that he said,
And his words didn’t fill you with dread,
If you think Brett’s a saint,
I’m afraid that you ain’t,
The sharpest damn tool in the shed.

Sharon Neeman:

My dad said, “I’ll teach you two rules:
Number one: never buy shoddy tools.
Number two: don’t misuse!
Using hammers on screws
Or a cent for a fuse is for fools.”

Bruce Alter:

The plumber worked hard with her wrench
To cut off the toilet pipe stench,
But stopped to hit Fred
With the wrench on his head,
Because he kept calling her “wench.”

Tim James:

The slide rule? It no longer rules.
Carbon paper? Used only by fools.
Such things are, to me,
Like today’s GOP:
A collection of outdated tools.

Dave Johnson:

A tailgater – massively rude;
One finger was seen to protrude.
He flew by on the right,
Then a flashing blue light;
And that’s when that driver was screwed.

Ken Gosse:

There are times that I cry in my sleep,
When I think of that jerk and his veep,
Because highly paid fools
With their rules and their tools
Have failed to get rid of that creep.

David Friedman:

There once was a screwdriver, Phillip
Who screwed lots of screws but was still up
So, wanting some more,
He searched through the drawer,
And decided that he’d hit the drill up.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (307)

Saturday, September 29th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

There are those who’d resuscitate coal.
It’s a silly, illusory goal
Which we need (as is said)
Like a hole in the head ―
From the folks with their heads in a hole.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special SCHOOL SUPPLIES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

She’s teaching a pole-dancing class;
Her students are grasping with sass.
They’re shinning to slide
And learning to ride
A skinny but tall piece of brass.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Thomas Vincent, Ailsa McKillop, Jim Gallagher, Byron Miller, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HOLE or WHOLE” RHYME DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

“This shoe making’s taking its toll,”
Said the cobbler. “I’m deep in the hole.
I’ve got boots on the shelf,
And old Satan himself,
Refuses to buy any sole.”

Ailsa McKillop:

I will beg, I will plead and cajole,
But knowing I lack self-control,
Keep the Mars bar (in batter
Deep-fried) from my platter,
Or else I’ll devour it whole.

Jim Gallagher:

The typical internet troll
May find it exceedingly droll
To be callous and crass
And then laugh off his ass,
But the sum of his parts is a hole.

Byron Miller:

Finding “women of size” to cajole,
Was a certain young Romeo’s goal;
He was totally sold
On exploring each fold,
In his quest for the ultimate hole.

Tim James:

A mare had decided to troll
Her lead stallion, who swallowed it whole.
“I’m afraid, stud, I’m late;
It’s your child I await.”
It was all a big joke. April Foal!

Sharon Neeman:

Asked the cop, “Why’re you diggin’ that hole?”
Sighed his neighbor, “For Ma… rest her soul.”
“For your Ma?” “Yep, she’s dead.”
“Gosh, what happened?” “She said
‘I’ll be damned if I let you go bowl!’”

Tony Holmes:

Does the grind of each day take its toll?
Are you living in fear for your soul?
There’s a cure that restores;
Buy a pair of plus-fours
And try getting that ball to the hole.

Lisi Nortman:

Oh Boy! We were on a great roll;
Three times in one night! (Bless his Soul.)
Way back in the day,
We sure knew how to play,
But now, he just can’t find that hole.

Brian Allgar:

“I’m the greatest the world ever knew!
Number 1 among Presidents – true!”
But he speaks though a hole
That expresses his soul,
So he constantly spews Number 2.

Fred Bortz:

When dividing the whole is the goal
Of a chemist, he counts by the mole.
But if you’re baking doughnuts
This fact makes you go nuts:
You can’t make a half of a hole.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCHOOL SUPPLIES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Once paper and pencils and glue
Kept kids hushed for an hour or two.
Now teachers can’t cope
With the slippery slope
Of “I’ve got the new iPhone! Do you?”

Dave Johnson:

They met on a gallery walk
And went to a café to talk.
She thought he was nice
And texted him twice;
But he was just blackboard – no chalk.

Sharon Neeman:

Can you sell me some motorized shoes?
I need something stronger to use;
Forty kids in my classes
Are too many asses
To kick with my old Jimmy Choos.

Tim James:

I’ve done what most teachers will do:
Bought supplies so my kids muddle through.
If it helps, though, I ― HEY!
PUT THAT CELL PHONE AWAY!
Here’s the thing I can’t buy them: a clue.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (306)

Saturday, September 15th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I incinerate corpses for hire.
I just toss them right into the pyre.
Though some can’t take the heat,
There’s no place for cold feet.
I just hold those stiffs’ feet to the fire!

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special NERVE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Bob Woodward is making this clear:
Our nation has plenty to “Fear.”
Trump’s unfitness to serve’s
An affront to our nerves,
While the G.O.P. smooches his rear.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Thomas Vincent, Lisi Nortman, Michael Moulton, Mike Burch, Tim James, Charley Simmons, Dave Johnson, and Tim Gray. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FEAT or FEET or DEFEAT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO NERVE/NERVES LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

While the doc made my hip new and sweet,
The retractor that held back the meat
Pinched a nerve in my thigh,
And they say that is why
I have numbness in one of my feet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FEAT or FEET or DEFEAT” RHYME DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

A champion milker named Pete
Faced a heifer with only one teat.
Though he’d grunt and he’d wheeze,
No milk could he squeeze;
T’was Pete’s final udder defeat.

Sharon Neeman:

My advice — and I’ll pour it out neat:
If you hate the one holding the seat,
Don’t just gripe, bitch or frown;
Hit the polls! Vote them down!
You can’t win if you “vote with your feet.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Getting older is surely not sweet;
It makes me feel so obsolete.
My neck: It just sags.
My eyes look like bags.
And my boobs are now down to my feet.

Mike Moulton:

When Putin says, “Donald, let’s meet,”
The tone of his voice may seem sweet,
But when he says, “Jump!”
To President Trump
He expects him to sit at his feet.

Tim James:

There once was a man who would tweet
Just as fast as his mind could excrete.
In most every case
He had egg on his face;
In his mouth, both proverbial feet.

Mike Burch:

The Donald is white, rich, elite.
Thus he never will suffer defeat.
Forget all the polls:
The man drives a Rolls
And he gold-plates his toilet seat!

Charlie Simmons:

The Cannibal being discreet,
Ate his friend from his head to his feet.
The next day, belly achin’,
Both guilt-filled and shakin’,
He passed his old friend on the street.

Dave Johnson:

The Temptations were Motown’s elite,
Defining America’s beat.
Great hits were the rule
Plus the essence of cool,
Right down to the souls of their feet.

Sharon Neeman:

Though the other trainees were all fleet,
I outraced them — I knew how to cheat:
Through the barracks I crept
(Making sure that they slept)
And put leeches on all of their feet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (NERVE/NERVES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

It really does get on my nerves
To see how male Government pervs
Think they’re fit to hold power
But can’t last an hour
When faced with some cleavage and curves.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My date had the ultimate gall
To inform me my boobs were “too small,”
To which I replied,
“Oh really, dear Clyde?
Where’s your shlong? I can’t find it at all!”

Dave Johnson:

Despicable Donald had nerve;
Along with refusing to serve,
This sniveling coward
Kept bragging to Howard,
Extolling his life as a perv.

Tim Gray:

My pal John was the first one to swerve,
Cuz he couldn’t hold on to his nerve.
At his first game of chicken,
He got a good lickin’…
And a crash that he didn’t deserve.

Tim James:

I’ve got shakes and my thinking is slow.
My hair’s graying; my nervous tics show.
Oh, for drug-induced bliss!
But there’s no pill for this.
And there’s fifty-six days still to go.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (305)

Saturday, September 1st, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to THOMAS VINCENT, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A Hawaiian wahini named Kay
Met tourists, with flowers in May.
The plane landed late,
And it made the girl wait;
It was Kay’s May day lei lay delay.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Opera-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Eight P.M., and he meets a grim fate:
Watching op’ra, coerced by his date.
He just sits there and glowers.
Good God, it’s been hours!
(Though his watch only says 8:08.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Tony Holmes, Tim Gray, Tim James, David Franks, Kirk Miller, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, and Lisi Nortman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LAY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO OPERA LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

Sneaking in from a casual lay,
I stumbled — tripped — fell all the way!
My wife shrieked, “What was that?”
I sang back, “’Twas the cat!”* —
Knowing “Pinafore” saved me that day!

* A line from the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta “HMS Pinafore”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LAY” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes: (A Gentleman’s Response)

When addressed from the top of a dray,
“Move yor arse, mate! Yor blockin’ my way,”
I put car into gear
And, my feelings made clear,
Took my leave without further delay.

Tim Gray: (Trump’s Inner Thoughts)

Hey you people, so what’s the delay?
I say crown me the King. Now! Today!
It’s what you deserve.
It’s me that you serve,
And you know I ain’t going away!

Tim James:

Hay Mad, I just wanted to say
That I had to look up the word “ley.”
What a pain in the ass!
(It’s land used to grow grass.)
Please stop horsing around in this way.

Tony Holmes:

When Griselda, too long left to ley,
Felt the need of a roll in the hay,
She’d dispense with demure
And take steps to secure
What was needed, the old-fashioned way.

David Franks:

Could I see you at first light of day?
For my love for you begs me to say
That my bed is first-class –
It is big, made of brass –
And I want you to Lay Lady, Lay.

Sharon Neeman:

I feel awful! I’m nauseous! Oy vey!
“Cheetos” gave me such heartburn today!
(I refer to King Tweet,
Not a snack people eat
From a bag that is stamped “Frito-Lay.”)

Kirk Miller:

The new skating rink blueprints are nice,
But they carry a very high price.
Funding’s frozen and they
Say expect a delay,
So the architect put it on ice.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (OPERA LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

The tenor starts out with a speech.
The diva erupts with a screech.
When not screaming, they’re crooning.
Not stabbing? They’re swooning.
Get me out of here now, I beseech!

Brian Allgar: (Trump turns down an invitation to “Der Fliegende Holländer”)

“Fake News!” cries the Donald. “They’re lying!
This opera scam? I’m not buying!
Do they think I’m a fool
Or a dumb kid from school
To believe that some Dutchman is flying?”

Dave Johnson:

To the op’ra she wanted to go;
His instant reaction: Oh no!
(Same time as the game;
He needs something to blame.)
“My fart medication’s too slow!”

Lisi Nortman:

When one’s stabbed in the back, wow, that stings!
The pain is so bad, your heart wrings!
But in opera, NO:
When the blood starts to flow,
The tenor just gets down and sings!

Brian Allgar: (Trump attends a performance of “Die Zauberflőte”)

“Though her singing was more like a hoot,
The soprano was still kinda cute,
So after the show,
I grabbed – well, you know –
And I showed her my own magic flute.”

Tim James: (“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.” — Mark Twain)

Sorry, Mark, but you’re way out of bounds;
Hearing Wagner’s like going ten rounds.
For days divas sing
’Bout some stupid old Ring,
While Mike Tyson my poor noggin pounds.

Kirk Miller:

There’s an opera singer named Mitch
Who, moreover, plays baseball, at which
He’s a hurler first rate.
And what makes him so great?
As with singing, he has perfect pitch.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

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