Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: GROWN or GROAN at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using GROWN or GROAN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to DIVORCE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best DIVORCE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 7, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 6, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
Whenever a fellow would nap
His collie would leap on his lap.
Then he’d groan and he’d moan.
(The dog was full-grown.)
How he longed for a dog-warning app.
And here’s my Divorce-themed limerick:
Although “civil,” it’s certain to vex
And is rarely divorced from bad sex.
It takes courtrooms and cash,
Zealous Esqs who are brash:
It’s converting your spouse to an ex.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Animals, Animals Poetry, Competition Limerick, Divorce Humor, Divorce Limerick, Dog Humor, Dog Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
I felt such distressing remorse
When I dumped out the coffee with force
She served it with cream
Which just made me scream
And those were our grounds for divorce
Some lim’riks get “close to the bone”
Because of their real truthful tone
But the ones with a pun
Are so much more fun
And a good one will sure make you groan.
The Mueller report made Trump groan
As he perched on his porcelain throne.
Things ground to a stop.
“Bill, barr this damn cop!”
He typed into his not-so-smart phone.
When Johnny and I were alone
He said I’d be “thrilled to the bone”
The sex was okay
But I’m sorry to say
I moaned but I just could not groan
One night when I felt so alone
I hurriedly ran to the phone
To call Doctor Stick
Who then sent me pills quick
Then my wife said, “My dear! How you’ve grown!”
If you’ve just had a painful divorce
Look for a man that’s not worse
Choose someone who’s active
And fairly attractive
And hopefully hung like a horse
On flat bench whilst supine (not prone)
I’d holler and bawl and I’d groan.
My trainer just smiled:
“Your pain is quite mild!”
So I howled in a milder tone.
When Trump showed the hooker his bone,
She giggled. “Think THAT can be blown?”
Returning his dough,
She said “You’d better go –
Come back when your dick’s fully grown.”
Oh how my flute teacher would groan!
I was freaked, (Mom should only have known)
She cut me no slack
So at last I yelled back!
She retorted, “Do NOT use that tone!”
Said Henry the Eighth, “My new church
Leaves no man with a plan in the lurch.
If your wife gives you grief
You can turn a new leaf
And be free while for pussy you search.”
At my limericks readers may groan,
But the errors are due to my phone.
It thinks it’s so smart
That it ruins my art;
How can auto-correct I disown?
“groan” and “divorce”
Our divorce made the both of us groan
I blame it on being alone!
Since the kids have all left
We just felt so bereft
(And they made a real cool buffer zone)
In the charge of the office, leaders bask,
They mature and rise up to the task.
But The Donald, alone
In waistline only, has grown,
His unfitness so apparent!.Don’t ask!
A true high-tech garden I own
It’s so new that it’s not yet well-known
You just plant a “spouse seed”
Then you get what you need:
My new husband’s “Organic Home Grown”
Not Quite Right!
A real high-tech garden I own
Just so great, yet it’s still not well-known
You plant a “spouse seed”
Then you get what you need
My new husband’s organically grown.
While out with a new boyfriend Bill,
She spotted her ex-husband Phil.
Then took Phil aside
And said rather snide:
“No way does HE need a blue pill…”
I know how to make my wife moan,
And to gasp, writhe, perspire and groan:
I show her the nude,
Total interest accrued
On our son’s university loan.
Jill’s gay and just had a divorce
The reason? Too fond of the sauce
“How are you holding your liquor”?
She replied without flicker
“With a hand on each ear, of course”!
You can sit there and moan and then groan
Yet, by now you should know what I own
After all, it’s our house
And you’re still my dear spouse
But you must stay away from my throne
How does a country get a divorce,
From a leader, incompetent, coarse?
An unstable bully,
Whose shown this quite fully;
A conflict of interest tour de force.
I don’t have a grandson who needs bail.
The Police fund? That fake’s getting stale.
Another SPAM call; I groan,
Not IRS on the phone.
No friend’s stuck in an out of state jail.
It’s no fun when your hip’s bone on bone,
You limp around in pain and just groan,
Hold tight, get a grip-
You need a new hip,
It’s not something you’d want to postpone.
For harmony, I sure did strive
I had wisdom, compassion and drive
But now it is clear
Why divorce was so near
Seems the grounds were that I was alive
IN RETROSPECT (The old hag from Nantucket)
From Nantucket hailed the old crone
The bucket had truly been thrown
She got her divorce
Rode off on her horse
Transfixed by a drone (please don’t groan)
Tough love may be fine when you’re grown
But for children, best leave it alone
If you raise kids or chard
With a heart that is hard
You’ll soon reap just what you have sown.
The Rodeo Cowgirl
The horse she’d rode in on was roan
Before she was completely grown
From childhood she rode
Whilst wild oats she sowed
This cowgirl had never been thrown
There once was a man with a phone
Accustomed to which he had grown.
On Twitter he’d tweet
While he perched on a seat
Which was commonly known as a throne.
I’ve made limericks an art all my own
And as time has gone on, it has shown
That my poetry runs
With many more puns
As my limerick collection has groan.
A newlywed couple I know
Will divorce in a few weeks or so.
What’s the cause of their split?
He’s not yet found her clit.
If he can’t make her come, then she’ll go.
My children are now fully grown,
But I still don’t much care for their tone.
By me they’re embarrassed,
And visits? The rarest,
Except when in need of a loan.
In divorce court we had a bad spat
In respect to our well-furnished flat
All I said to my spouse
Is that “I’ll take the house
And in fairness, I’ll give you the cat”
We’ve never considered divorce.
Though death is an option, of course
Like murder, perhaps,
With a knife or an axe.
But divorce? No indeed! Don’t be coarse!
Was it really just something I said?
(He got angry; his face was all red)
I remarked, “Well at last
Our love’s in the past
And HURRAY! We’re not happily wed”
My girlfriend’s got one yappy groan
She complains I’m “uncouth” and real prone
To try and act slick
When it comes to my dick
And she’s sick of my “open fly zone”
“My Town”
In Chicago some folks always groan
And ignore its magnificent “tone”
“Lake Shore Drive” is a SHOW!
Yet they still can’t let go
Of their mem’ry ’bout dear Al Capone
A forlorn hope for Sue Dulley:
That fellow who tweets from his phone
Just employs it to bitch and to moan.
Taunts and insults fly fast.
We can hope it won’t last:
Maybe things will improve when he’s grown.
“Forlorn” is right, Tim:
I heard today’s news with a groan;
My hopes for a quick change have flown,
And starting this week
The landscape looks bleak
Or at least it has grown more unknown.
She hopped from the bed with a groan.
Where’s that condom, it seems to have flown!
Don’t be daft, said her mate,
but please hurry! Too late!
he said with a smile and a moan.
When on business, he’d call on the phone.
“Are you naked?” he’d ask and she’d moan.
“Aren’t you lonely my dear?”
She asked with a tear.
“No, I’m handling things on my own.”
Take heart, Sue. It ain’t over yet.
He’s flushed marriages straight down the loo.
With his efforts this country to screw,
He’s not done with this biz.
If he thinks that he is,
He’s divorced from reality, too.
Thanks Tim, your encouragement’s nice.
He’s been dumped or divorced at least twice
And now it seems clear
That the voters next year
(Or Melania) will make it thrice.
Divorce theme:
Said a dying and sad billionaire
Leave my son, not one company share
The bald fool’s divorce
Is the reason of course
One can only cut off a split heir.
I thought marriage would truly be fun!
Lucky me, I had found the “right one”
After time, things went wrong
Now I’m singin’ my song:
Called “I do then I did it I’m done”
I let out a loud howling groan
When somebody says on my phone:
“Can you please hold?”
(I become uncontrolled)
And I travel to “no patience zone”
Can’t think of a lim’rik with GROAN!
I’m stuck in “illiterate zone!”
Just don’t know a joke
That is meant to provoke
A zap in one’s humerus bone!
A misogynist let out a groan
At how “ugly” he found an old “crone.”
No one’s told the big creep
Beauty’s only skin deep;
As for stupid, that goes to the bone.
Don’t know what it takes these days
but we teenagers in the 50’s were easily moved!
An erection, a hard on, a bone
The start of the process, a groan
What started these ripples?
The mention of nipples
Or bus ridden on the way home
Though both of the Cyclops did try
To make marriage work, theirs did die.
Said the new divorcee,
“We just couldn’t agree
At all. Didn’t see eye to eye.”
According to one inside source,
Melania wants a divorce.
When asked why they’re splitting
She said, “Are you kidding?
Because he’s a disgusting, horrible, deceitful, evil, lying, cheating asshole — of course!”
He’s made off with the dogs and the house,
Yet, he still feels empowered to grouse
That I wouldn’t condone
His crass cheating (well known)–
As if I, and not he, were the louse.
Trump’s three oldest kids, now full grown,
Are quite shameless; they blithely condone
All their daddy’s disgusting
Behavior. (They’re trusting,
In time, all his billions they’ll own.)
After gulping down testosterone,
Phil showed his wife how it had grown.
She said, with chagrin,
“It ain’t going in
And itt certainly ain’t getting blown.”
For years, I was suff’ring with grief
I’ll tell you my story real brief:
I got wed, (then remorse)
So I got a d-i-v-o-r-c-e
And that is how I spell relief.
I wanted to jump, yell and shout!
I at last knew what love was about!
So I married this guy
But now I’m glad I
Have finally found a way out!
When you see me, you’ll hear a deep groan
Then, at times, it’s a kind of “soft moan”
See, I played the bassoon
Until one afternoon
I got smacked with a brass slide trombone
At age 60, oh boy, did I groan!
Due to mood swings, hot flashes, MARONE!
So I went to Doc Bloated
Came home and got loaded
From a ten year supply of Estrone
Minor Changes
One will hear a real loud howling groan
When somebody says on my phone:
“Sir, can you please hold?”
(I become uncontrolled)
And I travel to “No Patience Zone”
Oh WOW! do I moan and I groan!
For the coolest great star ever known!
You can have your Brad Pitt
But with me he’s no hit
When compared to “WAY GOOMBAH” Stallone!
Those toxins in mussels have grown
Had the shits and just lost a stone
In Dublin, my guts swish
Because of those shellfish
Not so sweet now, that Molly Malone
This fella’ oh how he did moan!
He said, “Give me more, Babe, I won’t groan”
I looked in his eyes
And said “That’s no surprise
Don’t you know I”m “Ms. Hot Ardissone?”
(by Lisi Nortman Ardissone)
Mad: above limerick: Could you change “Don’t you know I’m the “Hot Ardissone” to Don’t you know I’m “Ms. Hot Ardissone?” (line 5)
Thank You
*******
Done.
At the time my wife and I parted,
Then the trouble it really started.
She took the house and the kids
And left me on the skids
And said, “It’s War, I’ve only got started”.
I’m lawyered up, raring to go,
Ready to strike the first blow.
But first I’ll get married,
Then I’ll get harried
That’s what I’ve been led to know.
Ellen said I’ve had enough.
Six times I’ve been up the duff.
You drink and you punch,
And that’s before you’ve had lunch,
So buddy, get out, take your stuff.
The vows on our wedding day,
That each did solemnly say,
None can now deny,
Were for her a big lie,
As now she wants to go her own way.
John said, “Here’s a little Home Grown
From the small patch I have sown”.
I said, “Get off your arse,
This is just Grass”.
He sighed and let out a moan.
The seeds are all nicely sown
In my little patch of “Home Grown”.
So I’ll just roll a spliff
And take a quick whiff
And chill-out here on my own.
John gave out a soft groan
Followed by Jill with a moan,
“There in that spot,
It’s so darned hot,
But it’s the best hot yoga zone”.
I married my own Mr Right.
My lover; my hero; my knight.
Then I found out his shame;
His secret first name
Was Always! Divorced him outright!
He cried when the judge looked his way.
‘Divorce me?’ he groaned in dismay.
Then the judge wiped his tear
With my checkbook. It’s clear
That my Ex won the jackpot that day.
Decree nisi we’re granted tomorrow
And parting won’t be a ‘sweet sorrow’
After decree absolute
I think I will scoot
And follow the straight and the narrow
I was married to Jim for so long
It was tough, but I tried to be strong
At last came divorce
And I felt no remorse
Cause the grounds were “He always was wrong’
I truly just could not resist “er
(So happy to be her “One Mister”)
After time we said “Bye”
That real sad day that I
Found out she was really my sister.
True: My grandson Max, age 17
My grandson is now fully-grown
I love him as if he’s my own!
Of this boy I’m so proud
His head’s always bowed
Cause his hands are attached to a phone
GUYS AND DOLLS
Of big boobs, I’ll tell you a story.
Teen boys ogle girls in their glory.
Those guys start to moan
Over dolls who have grown
Delightful in “that” territory.
I’m guessing you think that this tale
Refers to the female detail.
If so, then you’ve got to
Admit that I caught you.
The boobs I referred to are male.
Revised verse 2
GUYS AND DOLLS
Of big boobs, I’ll tell you a story.
Teen boys ogle girls in their glory.
Those guys start to moan
Over dolls who have grown
Delightful in “that” territory.
I’m guessing you think that this tale
Refers to how women regale.
If so, then you’ve got
To admit you’ve been caught.
The boobs I referred to are male.
A barista not keen on hygiene
Got flush with excess of caffeine
Her rubbing has shown
Why customers groan
She serves coffee whilst flipping the bean
My buddy was hurting and grieving
He said, “My damn wife is deceiving”
“I now have remorse
That we got a divorce
It sure is the high cost of leaving”
another version
My buddy was hurting and grieving
He said “I’m a victim of thieving”
“The wife took my money
Then said, “Good bye Honey”
“Divorce is the “High Cost Of Leaving”
The thought of divorce just upset ‘er
She figured it out ” to the letter”
She said, “It might work
But my “hub’s” such a jerk
I think that I’ll kill him. THAT’S BETTER!”
A weightlifting lady from Hatch
Tried to improve on her snatch
A spray of Cologne
And ’cos it had grown
The total removal of thatch
Clever wordplay is something that’s known
To elicit a giggle or moan.
You will know for sure
When a pun’s mature
Because people will say it’s full groan.
Now that my children are grown,
Even when they’re at home I’m alone.
And it’s due to the fact,
That we don’t interact,
Because they spend all their time on the phone!
A film review in limerick form
A fictional Twister has grown
Such that bovines and semis have flown.
It’s quite clear at a glance
That these guys had a chance
To create a good movie. Chance blown.
Mad, could you change line 4 of above to
And ‘cos it had grown
Thankyou
*********
Done.
At the sight of a red traffic cone
We motorists grumble and groan
No sign of them working
They’re all of us jerking
By showing a hot line to phone
I’ve written a “Split-Up Decree”
Please read it; I know you’ll agree:
“We’ve both equal powers
What’s yours is now ours
The rest of the stuff is for me”
Mad: above limerick: Line 4: Could you please change from What’s yours is still ours to What’s yours is now ours.
Thank You, Lisi
****
Done.
“groan” and “divorce”
In divorce court, I clearly did groan!
I said “I am damn near alone
Ev’ry night in the bed
She acts like she’s dead
And I’m sick of romancing the stone”
My husband’s 100 (Marone!)
He accepts it and rarely will groan
Claims he’s no longer “blue”
Says it’s mainly due to
Fine’ly paying his full student loan.
Your snoring is making me weep
And then poke out my eyes and then leap
Into boiling hot turd
And then gouge out the word
Divorce on my tongue. LET ME SLEEP!
The bank chief just started to groan
When I saw him and asked for a loan
Then he really got pissed
When I showed him my list
Which itemized: “Steak” “Coffee” “Phone”
“Your Honor” he causes me strife!
Just has totally ruined my life!
He won’t help with my work
Is just one utter jerk
And as useless as “k” in a knife
Just listen pal; I’ll be your guide
Use this law firm; they’re meant to provide
They’re all very skilled
(Even though she’s strong-willed)
It’s called “Ditcher McSpeedy & Hyde
It’s ME! And I’m starting to groan!
I’m sick and my bladder’s full-blown
You think you’re a queen
But in fact, you are mean
HURRY UP! It is time to dethrone!
Said King Henry, “I’m dying to wed
Anne Boleyn – she gives really great head.
So first I must ditch
My last wife – frigid bitch!
But the Pope says “You’re married till dead.”
I’ve begged him until I am hoarse,
But he simply won’t budge. Well, of course,
I am nobody’s dope –
I’ve outsmarted the Pope
By inventing a thing called ‘Divorce’. “
A stripper club dancer is known
To bring down the house on her own.
Her circle of fans
Never sit on their hands;
She’s seen how its members have grown.
Despicable Donald has grown
More stupid than we’ve ever known.
With Russia now past,
He has freedom at last
To blow up the world with his phone.
Donald Trump has confessed, and he’s toast!
“I regret every lie, every boast.
Now my conscience has grown,
I resign from my throne
With effect from the date of this post.”
My backyard is all overgrown;
Months since the lawn was last mown.
The neighbours complain
Again and again
But I’m five thousand miles from my home.
The Agapanthus plant is a weed
That not only grows from its seed,
But not generally known
From the roots can be grown,
And that is a warning to heed.
One day when she was out walking,
Jill noticed Jack busy gawking.
She said with a groan
Will you leave me alone,
Piss off and stop all your stalking.
This document sure made me groan!
Its wording, to me, was unknown
So I saw Rabbi Hunt
He read back to front
Then explained a Reverse Mortgage Loan
Now here’s one to sure make you groan
I thought it up all on my own!
Texas has horses
It’s the place which of course is
The state with the star that’s a lone
Divorce! Oh Good Grief! What A Shame!
You cry and you shout and you blame!
Then you miss your ex-wife
And you’re riddled with strife
So the next time just take better aim.
A Mueller interview:
Some grumbled while others would groan;
Uncomfortable there all alone.
Their questioner’s task
Was to know what to ask;
So hard getting down to the bone.
While calling and hearing a moan,
She asked “Are you there all alone?”
“Of course!” he replied
Lying there by her side;
Extending the nose he had grown.
I once had a roommate who led
his girlfriend to vacate his bed.
One night, she did groan,
but then he had to moan
the name of her best friend instead.
I STILL have no clue so I groan
In this technical world I’m alone
My sis cut me slack
When I didn’t call back
I dunno how to answer my phone
My grandson Max, age 17 (true)
My grandson is now fully-grown
He lives in that “cutting-edge” zone
I said, “My dear boy
You don’t know the joy
Of angrily slamming the phone”
another version
My grandson is now fully-grown
He lives in that “cutting- edge” zone
I said,” My dear boy
You don’t know the joy
Of twisting the cord of a phone”
The porn site said ‘Grow it by inches
By means of some tubes and syringes’
With ten dollars blown
His dick hasn’t grown
But becoming more frayed at the fringes
Said Donald, seeking a loan,
“See how my Empire has grown.”
Cohen said, “Don,
I hope you’re not wrong,
There’s trouble if your lying becomes known.”
Melania was crying all alone
Choking a sob and a groan,
She said, “Don how you lied
And wounded my pride,
I wish I was still on my own.”
Trump is divorced from reality
Saying climate change is not actuality.
I doubt if he’s ever
Really studied the weather
And ecosystems in all their fragility.
Said she, when I am full grown
I’ll love you in ways never known
Said he, cannot wait
For impending hot date
Let’s try out some growth hormone!
In spite of the fact I was grown
If sick, I’d still go to the phone
To call Mama Mia
And ask her if she’a
Would bring me some hot minestrone.
submission for groan limerick contest”
The athlete delivered a groan
When struck in the crotch by a stone;
Like all macho jocks
He’s proud of his rocks:
“The most precious things that I own.”
Trump might just moan and groan
But the knives we’re starting to hone.
When the report’s unredacted
And fully extracted,
Then he’ll be cut to the bone.
You gang up on me en masse
To systematically harass,
But just let it be known,
My popularity’s grown…
Shows what little effect that it has.
The sage said the following koan,
“You’re still a child who has grown.
You’ve been taught many things
That true wisdom brings
But still quote words that cannot be known.”
My friend Sally Seamstress would groan
Claimed the clothing she made always “shone”
But she never got paid
So I came to her aid
And we reaped all the dresses she’d sown
OUR NEW MAYOR ELECT
In Chicago, we’ll no longer groan
On this lady the stars have all shone
She’s black and she’s gay
Let’s all shout “HIP HOORAY”
‘Bout time we came into our own!
(Ms. Lori Lightfoot)
Twenty one years ago to the day
A truly precious gift came my way
She’s now fully grown
With a life of her own
Happy birthday, my beautiful Faye
“Divorce 60’s Style”
I remember way back in the day
My friends all got married in May
After time came the “split”
They just couldn’t commit
Claimed the first one was merely fore play
I thought I would never more groan
No more meetings! I did this alone!
Just assumed I was thin
And at last I could grin
Till I met my gargantuan clone
Kellyanne has a hubby who tweets;
Scolding Trump’s reprehensible feats.
Kissing up to her boss,
Matrimonial loss
Means George buys a new set of sheets.
The current Limerick-Off ends today, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
My “ex” always said “I’m the boss!”
Had 10 other wives, (still got cross)
Never lived all alone
Still he’d gripe and he’d groan
Thus his stones had not one grain of moss
I have a good reason to groan!
I shall no longer visit Simone!
She’s got this darn cat
That just stinks like a rat
Her pussy sure needs some cologne!
another version
I sure have good reason to groan
I shall no longer visit Ramone!
He smells really fishy
I certainly wish’e
Would buy “No More Stink-Up” cologne
My husband refused a divorce.
So I left, in an effort to force
him to just face the fact:
It’s the end of our act,
Without any guilt or remorse.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 319. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Fused.