Posts Tagged ‘Jim Gallagher’

Limerick of the Week (108)

Sunday, April 7th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A baker I met buying bread
Must love how I treat him in bed:
Has “Fredrico Fellini”
Tattooed on his weenie,
But his wife thinks it only says Fred.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Do lim’ricks attract the ill-bred?
I can only infer from Craig’s spread:
If your reader can’t chew it
Tattoo it or screw it,
Forget it, you ain’t got no cred.

Congratulations to Sue Dulley and Will T. Laughlin, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Sue Dulley:

A guy from the States, not ill-bred,
To a person from Canada said:
If you must pronounce Zee
Like it’s spelt Z-E-D,
Then why not say “A-Bed-Ced-Ded?”

Will T. Laughlin:

Dear Sue: In the U.S. we’re bred
To say ‘zee’ where all others say ‘zed’:
“A-Bed-Ced” is absurd,
Or our hymn would be heard
At the ball game: “Oh, say, can you said?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) RJ Clarken, Fred Bortz, Jim Gallagher Stephen Gold, Will T. Laughlin, Bone, Steve Whitred, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Rj Clarken:

A gal who was rather ill-bred
Sought lessons, since she was unread.
So with rain found in Spain
She became more urbane,
‘Though the song is still stuck in her head.

Fred Bortz:

A limerick contest on bread
Hurts this Pesach observer’s poor head.
Let’s revolt against Kane
For causing such pain
And write some on matzo instead.

Jim Gallagher:

He wryly de-floured her bread,
Then kneaded her sweet rolls instead.
He started to tickle
Her sweet pumpernickel,
Carawaying her right into bed.

Stephen Gold:

A man who was rather ill-bred
Told his girl he would love to be wed.
When she sighed,”I would too,”
He replied, “Not to you!”
And went off with her sister instead.

Will T. Laughlin:

They woke up their roommate ill-bred:
“Get up! Carpe diem!” they said.
He replied, “Carpe NOCTEM,”
Rolled over, and shocked ‘em:
Their girlfriends were with him in bed!

Bone:

A fellow who liked to bake bread
Was suddenly filled with great dread.
His wife’s yeast infection
Cause great circumspection.
Now he uses self-rising instead.

Steve Whitred:

A woman who liked to bake bread
Met a pottery artist named Ted.
Now he butters her rolls
And she fondles his bowls,
While his kiln and her oven glow red.

Sue Dulley:

Some people lived mostly on bread
And much of the time went unfed.
They appealed to ‘la reine’
To help with their pain.
All she told them was, eat cake instead.

I went to the Safeway for bread.
It made sense what Marie A. had said!
The pound cake cost less
Than a loaf, so I guess…
No more toast, I’ll make trifle instead.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (104)

Sunday, March 10th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Edmund Conti, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

A woman once tried to take flight
From a randy Bohemian knight.
But the Czech in the mail
Wouldn’t verge from the trail
And his lance at a glance was upright.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A Kitty Hawk gal dreamed of flight,
How she wished she could soar like a kite.
Then she met Orville’s brother
And soon would discover
She’d finally met Mr. Wright.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Josie Two Shoes, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Kevin Ahern, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Jim Gallagher. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Josie Two Shoes:

A fellow whose mind oft’ took flight
Found himself in a bit of a plight.
He arrived at the dance,
But forgot to wear pants.
His dance card was full the whole night.

Tim James:

A woman was taking a flight
In a sports car, at ninety, one night.
As her ticket was written,
She watched the cop, smitten,
A clear case of love at first cite.

Steve Whitred:

Hosts of angels, wings beating in flight
Held celestial bodies just right.
Physics pulled back that curtain,
But I’m still uncertain
How ‘quantums’ can shed any light.

Kevin Ahern:

The lass in the back of the flight
Kind of liked flying into the night
Cuz her boyfriend beside her
No light would provide her.
On a date darkness is a de-light.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A vampire was planning his flight
And whom he would visit to bite.
He thought of a Czech
Who had a fat neck.
“But perhaps some Italian tonight?”

Jim Gallagher:

With an S on his chest he takes flight
In the battle of wrong versus right.
But when mano a mano
The man sings soprano,
His fetching red briefs are too tight.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (103)

Sunday, March 3rd, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Ira Bloom, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A gay fellow often will drone,
How his Android, on ‘vibe,’ makes him groan.
“As in ‘moan?'” asks his guys,
“Also ‘large'” he replies.
“‘Groan’ and ‘grown;’ it’s a fab homophone.”

Congratulations to Tim James and Sue Dulley, who jointly win the Special Oscar-Themed Limerick Award for their respective funny limericks:

Tim James:

Though “Lincoln” showed craft and élan,
And by critics was much smiled upon,
Despite all the spinning
Its chances of winning
Argoing, Argoing, Argone.

Sue Dulley:

The nominees, spruced up and styled,
Past red carpet cam’ras have filed.
They sit in their places
With faux-serene faces,
While the audience goes Oscar-wild.

Congratulations to Edmund Conti, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this funny limerick.

A fellow would constantly drone
On and on in the same monotone.
And to make matters worse,
He would do it in verse
In the voice of Sylvester Stallone.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) SisterAE, Jim Gallagher, Craig Dykstra, Jamie Hutchinson, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Robert Schwarztrauber, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sister AE:

A fellow who’d constantly drone
On the bagpipes when he was alone,
Had offended his girl
With the squeak and the skirl.
But he now tries his best to atone.

Jim Gallagher:

The airman maneuvered the drone
At his desk in an office, alone.
He struck them all dead
In an impulse of dread,
While he ordered Chinese on the phone.

Craig Dykstra:

Met this prig who just tended to drone
About surveys that “clearly have shown”
True New Yorkers have class,
But this wannabe ass
Really drives in each day from Bayonne.

Jamie Hutchinson:

Bend an ear to the paperclip drone:
By hook or by crook there’s a tone.
Those hairpins are bound
To report with some sound.
Why else would the French say “trombone”?

David Lefkovits:

A fellow who’d constantly drone
Of all the wild seeds he had sown
Increasingly found
That, as an old hound,
It’s harder to dig up a bone.

Robert Schwarztrauber:

A fellow who felt like a drone,
Rang the President up on the phone.
Said he wanted to spy
On his neighbor from high
When she’s out by the pool all alone.

Steve Whitred:

A woman would constantly drone
To her sis “Get a beau of your own”
Because, if she arose
To go powder her nose,
She’d return, and her date would be blown.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (100)

Sunday, February 10th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A man who’d been recently canned
Was steamed to be dealt a bad hand.
After stewing inside,
He went out & got fried,
And ended up pickled as planned.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred who wins the Special Super Bowl-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The Super Bowl’s finally here.
Seems the hype has been building all year.
And while some think the game
Is exceedingly lame,
They’ll use any excuse to drink beer.

Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A man who was recently canned
Had squeezed a gal’s mammary gland.
He’d tried to insist
That he had just missed.
“I thought I was shaking her hand.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jim Gallagher, Johanna Richmond, Elaine Spall, Edmund Conti, Jamie Hutchinson, Steve Whitred, Bruce Niedt, Sue Dulley, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jim Gallagher:

My cat cannot bear food that’s canned,
Out of season, unseasoned or bland.
She won’t have a nibble
Or soupçon of kibble.
But gophers are gruesomely grand.

Johanna Richmond:

A senior home worker was canned
For thoughtfully lending a hand
To the ladies — their files
He kept in two piles:
“Still stressed” and “sufficiently manned.”

Elaine Spall:

Chef Ramsay, when served something canned
In a rest’rant he once thought was grand,
Showed his utter disdain
Using words quite profane.
Both the language and food should be banned.

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was recently canned
For being too high paid a hand.
And as he was fired,
A new man was hired.
And that’s how a Walmart is manned.

Jamie Hutchinson:

A limericker recently canned
As a stock clerk had one last demand:
She said she would need her
Handheld barcode reader
To ensure that her poetry scanned.

Steve Whitred:

To paraphrase Donald, “You’re canned!”
Pointing finger, mock pistol in hand.
It’s no TV show lout
That he’s talking about,
But his face in the mirror all tanned.

Bruce Niedt:

Says Charlie, who’s recently canned,
“It’s a fate that I do understand,
Though my hour is darkest,
I once worked for Star-Kist —
We tuna are much in demand.”

Sue Dulley:

A gambler was recently canned
And banned from the MGM Grand.
He made all his wins
Masquerading as twins,
While holding a queen in each hand.

Diane Groothuis:

An elephant had to be canned
For refusing to go on the stand.
He embarrassed the clown,
Disappointed the town,
And squirted green slime at the band.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!