Posts Tagged ‘Jesse Levy’

Limerick-Off Award (277)

Saturday, May 13th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A sly shopkeep, a baker by trade,
Had a helper, a doughy young maid.
On his bread-making bench,
He defloured the wench,
“I was kneading,” he said, “to get laid.”

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Intelligence-Themed Limerick Award for this clever, multi-versed limerick:

As Presidents go, I’m so smart.
My brain power sets me apart.
It’s true that my thinkin’s
More bigly than Lincoln’s.
I belong at the top of the chart.

Fake media call me bombastic.
They’re wrong, folks. You know I’m fantastic.
So let’s have some fun.
I’ll call up Kim Jung Un.
I’ll threaten to do something drastic.

I’m the best when it comes to deflection
Away from that Russian connection.
Though it’s not really bad
To be palling with Vlad,
I’ll give them that old misdirection.

My intelligence keeps me ahead.
Keep ’em guessing. Make sure they’re misled.
Every day, a new story.
That’s Trump’s shining glory.
Now who can I quote that is dead?

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Sue Dulley, and Jesse Levy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MADE/MAID” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INTELLIGENCE LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

The Intelligence chiefs were dismayed;
The Commander was planning a raid.
“Where’s Korea?” he mumbled,
Then cursed as he fumbled –
“My little red button’s mislaid!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MADE/MAID” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

“It’s May Day! I’m off now,” cried Jade,
“To dance and disport in the glade.”
Said her mom, to her sorrow,
“No, May Day’s tomorrow;
It’s April” — and Jade was dis-Mayed.

Tim James

The bordello he chose was top-grade,
The amenities worth all he paid.
There was wi-fi for free,
Comfy bed, big TV,
And free cookies and cake, all ho-made.

Fred Bortz:

She was known for a role that she played,
A whip-cracking, dominant maid
Whose hard leather crop
Was not merely a prop
When the time came for her to be paid.

Konrad Schwoerke:

I expected a pro, not a maid.
“Lemme in if you wanna get laid.
This hotel is so snobby
Must sneak through the lobby—
That and you are just tricks of the trade.”

Sue Dulley:

A tragic mistake some have made
Is to enter a parking parkade
With no money or card
Which makes exiting hard –
You’re locked in by the guard ’til you’ve paid.

Brian Allgar, for his limerick entitled “An Immaculate Explanation”

Though pregnant, she tried to persuade
Her old husband she’d never been laid.
Many people believed
That a virgin conceived,
And thus a religion was made.

Sharon Neeman:

“Stay the night,” said the rake to the maid,
And, against her best judgment, she stayed.
“I won’t touch you,” he said —
But she woke in his bed,
Not only dis-maid, but betrayed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INTELLIGENCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

There once was a fellow named Art
Whose IQ score was way off the chart.
After months watching Fox
Spew its stuff on the box
He’s a house plant — but not quite as smart.

Jesse Levy:

Does intelligence live in D.C.?
Well, no, not according to me.
The Prez is a putz,
And it’s driving me nuts
That he gets all his “facts” from TV!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (269)

Sunday, January 22nd, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JESSE LEVY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A broom and his buddy, a mop
Decided that all crime should stop.
The broom did quite well;
Swept out felons pell mell.
But the mop was a flop as a cop.

Congratulations to RICHARD CAMPBELL, who wins the Special BLUES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My whole life, fate has thrown me the screws.
All that helps now is drugs, broads, and booze.
Don’t get up before noon;
Drift saloon to saloon.
I sure got me them old 12-bar blues.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David Reddekopp, Suzanne Heymann, Craig Dykstra, Konrad Schwoerke, Dave Johnson, Sue Dulley, Tim James, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“COP” RHYME DIVISION)

David Reddekopp:

There once was a frisky old fop.
For a whore he decided to shop.
So this horny old heel
First tried copping a feel,
’Til he found he was feeling a cop.

Suzanne Heymann:

She thought a low neck line was hotter
If, when speeding, police finally caught her.
Sure enough, soon a cop
Made her zooming car stop,
But what made this a flop – she’s his daughter!

Craig Dykstra:

Wrote a verse that I think coulda won it,
But immediately after I’d run it,
Mad the “Limerick Cop”
Said my rhyme was a flop
Just ’cause someone had already done it!

Konrad Schwoerke:

While selling my lucrative crop,
A policeman enjoined me to stop.
“Sure, I know it’s legit,
But you soon won’t have shit,
And I must be off duty to cop.”

Dave Johnson:

If I were a history cop,
I’d hold up my hand and yell “Stop!”
We’re about to embark
On a horrible lark,
With a carnival huckster on top.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BLUES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

A limerick’s not like the Blues.
No, a limerick’s not… I can’t use
The same words for line two
As line one. If I do,
It’s a ruse Mad won’t choose to excuse.

Suzanne Heymann:

If music’s a hobby you choose,
Stay on key and please lay off the booze!
But if you keep on flinging
Bad notes, I’ll be bringing
You pain till you’re singing the blues.

Tim James:

If you suffer sometimes from the blues
Don’t try drugs, promiscuity, booze.
Take a tip from my wife:
For those low points in life,
Nothing helps like a new pair of shoes.

Brian Allgar:

The Republicans used to be blue
And the Democrats red. So what’s new?
With the Democrats dead
And Republicans red,
We are all feeling blue through and through.

Tim James, for his Acrostic Limerick:

On Election Day, many were blue.
But take comfort, for this is what’s true:
Although Donald’s an ass,
Mr. O’s act is class
And he’s shown what a good man can do.

Konrad Schwoerke:

The work is depressing at zoos,
So I often go home with the blues.
And it’s getting more bleak,
For example, last week,
We received really terrible gnus.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award Winner (262)

Saturday, October 1st, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Their exertions in bed bent the frame,
Then her charley horse threatened their game.
But she shrugged the pain off
And they finished their boff.
She was lame but she came just the same.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Exercise-Themed Limerick Award, as well as the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award, for this funny limerick:

Take exercise? Nah, it’s too risky;
Even sex is alarmingly frisky.
But my right hand is fit
As a fiddle, for it
Is the one that I raise to drink whisky.

Congratulations to Dave Johnson and Suzanne Heymann, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Dave Johnson:

One painting that hangs in a frame,
No kidding – it strikes me as lame.
I don’t understand
What makes it so grand;
That farmer and plain-looking dame.

Suzanne Heymann:

The one with the pitchfork in hand?
And expressionless faces so bland?
That’s my granny and gramps.
They were national champs
As the grumpiest folks in the land.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Wendy Playter, Jesse Levy, William Kendall, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Kirk Miller, Tim James, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FRAME” RHYME DIVISION)

Wendy Playter:

I gazed at the muscleman’s frame
And the toilet from whence he just came.
The seat of the loo
Made me ponder anew:
What good is great strength without aim?

Jesse Levy:

My wife said, “Hey, let’s bowl a frame.”
But I answered, “It’s just not your game.”
“The last time,” I mutter,
“All went in the gutter.”
And now I am sleeping in same.

William Kendall:

To parse the political game
And assign the appropriate blame
It’s important to look
Inside of the book;
At the picture instead of the frame.

Brian Allgar:

The explorer was after big game.
He had sighted a lion, took aim,
Then he happily shot it.
Success! He had got it
Right there in the camera frame.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (EXERCISE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Marty Gerendasy:

Many folks like to go for a run,
But to me, that’s just not any fun.
’Cause to over-exert
Only makes my bod hurt,
So I’d rather go lie in the sun.

Kirk Miller:

If you’re fat, then the facts must be faced:
To poor health extra weight has been traced.
Get in shape. Kindly try it,
’Cause exercise, diet
Are ways to fight hazardous waist.

Tim James:

What’s the source of my lim’ricks? Not drink;
I just run till I’m gasping and pink.
When these verses I brew,
My brain’s starved of O2.
It explains quite a lot, don’t you think?

Dave Johnson:

He was trying to work up a sweat
And impress the hot girl he’d just met.
In spin class they spun;
But when over and done,
He was left high and dry – sopping wet.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (247)

Saturday, March 5th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

My girlfriend prepared me a treat,
Which I tried… and I just couldn’t eat.
But what could I say,
With her watching that way?
“Ummm, this borscht simply cannot be beet!”

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special EDUCATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A geometry teacher named Brent
Liked to frolic outdoors, so he went
To a place he could play
At the seashore all day.
He returned from the beach a tan gent.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Brian Allgar:

With no brother to help him to cheat,
Jeb admits that he’s finally beat.
And his web site? He blew it,
Forgot to renew it –-
“I bought it!” jeers Trump in a tweet.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Jesse Levy, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jon Gearhart, Allen Wilcox, RJ Clarken, Ian Graham, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BEAT/BEET” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO EDUCATION LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

The philosophy class had him beat.
“I don’t like abstract concepts!” he’d bleat.
“I Kant grasp them at all!”
He then punched a brick wall.
That abstraction’s now much more concrete.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BEAT/BEET” RHYME DIVISION)

Jesse Levy:

The new “superfood” is the beet.
I’ve heard that’s the word on the street.
The ads make it seem
As if beets are a dream.
Well, at least they do not contain wheat.

Brian Allgar, for his Harper Lee limerick:

With one novel, she joined the elite,
Won a Pulitzer (that’s quite a feat)
While Ginsberg and Burroughs
Were ploughing their furrows —
Though, of course, she’s not read as a beat.

Dave Johnson:

I remember when flying was neat;
An adventure that couldn’t be beat.
But if airlines today
Could have it their way,
They’d charge you to lower your seat.

Jon Gearhart:

I enjoy having veggies to eat,
But sometimes I just want some meat.
By replacing the beta
Vulgaris, I made a
Beef borscht and did not miss one beet.

Allen Wilcox:

When Windows won’t work and you’re beat,
And you think you are facing defeat,
Do NOT lose your cool.
Remember the rule:
When in doubt, press Control-Alt-Delete.

Rj Clarken:

The bird was a little offbeat:
Not the norm for a wee parakeet.
He would peck like a lord
On his tiny keyboard
As he’d Facebook and IM and tweet.

Ian Graham:

Thrash wheat if it’s bread you would eat.
Flail rice for a granular treat.
Is smoothness your dream?
Then try whipping cream.
But for sweetness you cannot beat beet.

Dave Johnson:

He saw her – his heart skipped a beat;
Then awkwardly shuffled his feet.
How amazing that he
Could possibly be
Running into a star on the street!

It was just a few seconds or so
That he felt that celebrity glow.
Their eyes barely met,
But he’ll never forget
The moment Adele said “Hello.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (EDUCATION LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

“Gee, these Texas school textbooks are great!
Let’s use them in every state!
Now, ev’ryone: look
In your Chemistry book
At Leviticus 12, 5 through 8…”

Tim James:

She thinks studying’s hard, so instead
She lures each of her profs into bed
Where she actively crams
For her oral exams:
She’s advanced to the class of the head.

Dave Johnson:

A lively young teacher named Cass
Was showing her dance moves with sass.
But while she was twerking,
Some smart phones were lurking;
A gift for the boys in the class.

Byron Ives:

In bio lab, Gloria Schwerner
Oft tooted, which didn’t concern ’er
But after a flash
Turned her lab coat to ash,
She pointed away from the burner.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (149)

Sunday, January 26th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A bibbed patron sat eating deep-fried;
Battered chicken was piled high and wide.
I said, “Gawd, are you big,
You Falstaffian pig!”
(My remark was, of course, an aside.)

Congratulations to Scott Crowder and Craig Dykstra, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Scott Crowder:

A man who liked food that was fried,
In time became so thick and wide,
That according to lore,
When he went to the shore,
He would have an effect on the tide.

Craig Dykstra:

This new gal gets my head kinda fried.
Every time I want sex, I’m denied!
You would think it would suck
That she don’t like to … you know …
But she’ll happily swallow my pride.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Yt cai, Jesse Levy, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

In my youth I’d eat anything fried;
It’s disgusting, the stuff that I tried.
Cookies, Twinkies, and dough
Mixed with cola … God no…
Those are mem’ries I’ve tried to elide.

Yt cai:

A seamstress’s nerves were all fried
From dealing with one kinky bride.
She finished the dress
Under utmost duress
As the patron was fit to be tied.

Jesse Levy:

A fellow was totally fried.
He jumped off a building’s top side.
But he was still tripping
Through gravity’s gripping.
His last words were: “Look, Ma. I flied!”

Jon Gearhart (whose limerick is an acrostic):

A woman shunned food that was fried
Precisely because she has tried
Reducing the rise
In her increasing size.
Look left and her name I’ve supplied.

Tim James:

Those White Castle burgers are fried
‘Til the grease is all soaked through inside.
Those “sliders” incense me.
Good taste, though, prevents me
From saying just where ’tis they slide.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (145)

Sunday, December 22nd, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Found a cup at some joker’s yard sale;
Pewter — pierced, so it seemed, by a nail.
When I offered to dicker
He said, read the sticker:
“This goblet’s a real holey grail.”

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

There’s a call girl whose love is for sale
And a jokester who’s hot on her trail.
It’s considered the case
Of the wit and the chase:
He’s the wag who is dogging the tail.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Scott Crowder, John Lawrence Ramos, Fred Bortz, Sancho Panza, Jesse Levy, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A rich guy who’d frequently sail
Lost it all in a stock market fail.
Though it isn’t his wish,
He now guts and cleans fish.
And his sal’ry? He’s working for scale.

Scott Crowder:

A woman went out for a sail
With a fine and appreciative male.
They jibed fore and aft
On the deck and life raft.
His dinghy, she knows in detail.

John Lawrence Ramos:

Ahab Junior, had no urge to sail,
But instead roamed his yard with a pail.
“My old man died at sea,”
He remarked, “but not me—
I’m hunting a tiny white snail.”

Fred Bortz:

Don’t allow Jewish guilt to assail
When your muse moves you outside the pale.
No topic’s off base
Or should cause you disgrace,
Except if your limerick’s stale.

Sancho Panza:

A lady went out for a sail
With a handsome and seafaring male.
She returned on the tide
With the semen inside—
A humpback is more than a whale.

Jesse Levy:

A fellow was pleased with the sale
To a Sheik of his wife in a veil.
Now she can bug him
To go to the gym
And eat dinners made only of kale!

Will T. Laughlin:

The Cap’n decided to sail
Straight into the worst of the gale;
Sighed the mate, “This’ll hap’n
Each time that the Cap’n
Gets into the cargo of ale.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (87)

Sunday, November 11th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Daniel Ari, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A farmer would frequently quote
Romantic Age poets of note.
He’d whisper sweet verses
In ears large as purses
Whenever seducing his shoat.

Congratulations to Daisy Mae Simon, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

An atheist needed a quote
For her lovemaking joy to connote.
“Oh God” didn’t work.
‘Twas a term she did shirk.
But “Oh Science” felt far too remote.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Scott Crowder, Johanna Richmond, Jesse Levy, Colleen Murphy, Tim James, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Jamie Hutchinson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

Downtown there’s a guy who would quote
From the bible – he’d preach and emote.
He’d still be there today
But they took him away
Since he had on no pants ‘neath his coat.

Scott Crowder

A fellow would frequently quote
A line he remembered by rote.
To the girls he would quip,
“I’ll go down with the ship,
Or at least with the man in the boat.”

Johanna Richmond:

It’s hard not to sound off and quote
All the brain rot that sunk Romney’s boat,
Or to shout,”You unsightly
Extremist nuts, bite me!”
But I’m far too enlightened to gloat.

Jesse Levy:

A fellow would frequently quote
A bird with a shiny black coat.
After tapping the door
He would say, “Nevermore.”
Twas the best poem Poe ever wrote.

Colleen Murphy:

A hooker would frequently quote
Her regular rate and she’d gloat:
“I charge a top dollar
To make a man holler.
It’s extra for rocking his boat!”

Tim James:

On the TV the pollsters all quote
Statistics regarding the vote.
It’s not that I’d rather
Give heed to their blather;
It’s just I can’t find the remote.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A pastor would constantly quote
From a textbook that he himself wrote
And just happened to sell.
“It will save you from hell!”
Even better it paid for his boat.

Jamie Hutchinson:

“I’m on deadline, just gimme a quote,”
Wasn’t said to a person of note
By a writer of news,
But instead to the muse
By a poet who couldn’t emote.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (82)

Saturday, October 6th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Carolyn Henly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A waitress trés prone to dismay
Had a beautiful tray to display.
But she tripped on a peel,
Went head over heel,
And ended up wholly distrait.

Congratulations to Jesse Levy who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow expressed his dismay
At having to work every day.
His doctor said stress
Would harm him much less
If he sat back and lit up a jay.

Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Daniel Ari, RJ Clarken, Johanna Richmond, Veralynne Bosko Pepper, Marty McCullen, John Sardo, and Bruce Niedt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Daniel Ari:

A fellow displayed his dismay:
“I came all this way to the Bay.
But I can’t understand
The lay of the land
That they said was the land of the lay.”

RJ Clarken:

A clergyman showed his dismay
At his obvious naiveté
Since a ‘lady’ he met
Conned him. Now deep in debt,
He’s much wiser to cute Birds of Pray.

Johanna Richmond:

Giving birth, she displayed her dismay
When it seemed she’d been pushing all day.
“I don’t want to be snipped!”
“That’s OK,” hubby quipped.
“When I need you I’ll take the back way.”

Veralynne Bosko Pepper:

A woman displayed her dismay.
Her hotel john had just a bidet!
Trepidatious at first,
Though she thought she might burst,
She tried it and stayed there all day!

Marty McCullen:

A fellow displayed his dismay
At why all his hair had turned gray.
He wasn’t that old,
Or so he was told,
But hair seems to have the last say.

John Sardo:

A fellow betrayed his dismay
At his wife who would quickly display
Her elegant charms
In friends’ eager arms:
He said, “Honey, at least make them pay.”

Bruce Niedt:

Young Hester displayed her dismay
That her rep in Sex Ed could hold sway.
“They think that I’m sultry.
Inured in adult’ry –
It’s a class where I don’t want an ‘A’.”

And congratulations to Johanna Richmond and Craig Dykstra who jointly win this special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Johanna Richmond:

A fellow displays his dismay
With a grunt and a “what can I say?”
A woman, however,
Is likely to sever
Your schnitzel and let you decay.

Craig Dykstra:

As a guy, I express my dismay
At the lim’rick I read here today.
Though YOU think it’s clever
That schnitzel you sever
Is an image that won’t go away!

Johanna Richmond:

I’m so sorry I caused you dismay.
It was meant in a figur’tive way:
If it festers, why dance?
Just go straight for the lance —
There’s no need for a verbal ballet.

But you’re right; I have gotten too loose;
Cutting words can still feel like abuse.
Please forget what I said;
Insert this jab instead:
“A swift kick to your cocky caboose.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (74)

Saturday, August 11th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jesse Levy who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow had made a mistake
When trying to use Shake ‘N Bake.
The crumbs wouldn’t stick
To his poor chicken pick
‘Cause the darn thing was still wide awake!

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A woman had made a mistake
Though her mom warned, “Don’t marry a rake.”
At her wedding she knew
It was likely a clue
When his mistress popped out of the cake.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order): Elaine Spall, J Cosmo Newbery, Patrick McKeon, Scott Crowder, and Jamie Hutchinson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Elaine Spall:

A woman had made a mistake.
Hit the gas pedal hard, not the brake.
Through the windshield, with flair
She undressed while mid-air.
Might as well skinny dip in the lake.

J Cosmo Newbery:

A fellow had made a mistake
And wed a young girl on the ‘make.’
Though she left him quite poor,
What annoyed him much more
Was that even her breasts had been fake.

Patrick McKeon:

A fellow had made a mistake
In his plan for a duck breeding lake.
He went and bought two,
But his flock never grew
Since you can’t mate a drake with a drake.

Scott Crowder:

A fellow had made a mistake,
That only a moron would make.
When a girl meets a guy,
And offers him pie,
Don’t tell her you’d rather have cake.

Jamie Hutchinson:

The thought that she’d made a mistake
Hit a lover at climax’s quake:
“Oh, God! What a stud!
But this curdles my blood:
I’m a succubus—he’s still awake!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (32)

Saturday, October 22nd, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:

Congratulations to JANE SHELTON HOFFMAN who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A woman who’d taken a shot
At the bar with a tall, rugged Scot
Was just starting to flirt
When she peeked up his skirt
And exclaimed, “Is that all that you’ve got?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jesse Levy, Johanna Richmond, Shawn Thorsen, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Colleen Murphy, and RJ Clarken. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jesse Levy:

A fellow who’d taken a shot
At an opened up Senator’s slot
Got caught in a scandal
Involving a sandal.
A shoe-in I guess he is not!

Johanna Richmond:

A fellow who’d taken a shot
At his neighbor’s antique flower pot
Got a nasty surprise
For that move-not-so-wise:
Steamin’ St Bernard poop through his slot.

Shawn Thorsen:

A woman who’d taken a shot
Of some brew from a simmering pot
Grew a prehensile tail
And oozed slime like a snail …
T’was a gastropod monkey, begot!

Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:

A fellow who’d taken a shot
At writing still searched for a plot.
“I am sure I”ll be fine
When I find that first line!”
Do editors wait? They do not!

Colleen Murphy:

A fellow who’d taken a shot
Had practiced his shooting a lot.
But he still had no aim
When he shot at his game,
So he ended with naught in his pot.

RJ Clarken:

A fellow who’d taken a shot
At crashing a chi-chi night spot
Paid a thou for a drink
And much more for ‘wink-wink.’
The next day? Just a sot with no pot.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

Limerick of the Week (29)

Sunday, October 2nd, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:

Congratulations to PHYLLIS STERLING SMITH a/k/a Granny Smith, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow was going to bat
For a law client monstrously fat.
When she lay down on hubby,
A man merely tubby,
She mashed him as flat as a slat.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jesse Levy, Pari Cooper, David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves, Steph Holdridge, Linda Moss, and Johanna Richmond. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jesse Levy:

A woman was going to bat
For a local disgraced Democrat.
He tweeted his junk!
He’s a punk not a hunk.
His career? Well now, that ended that.

Pari Cooper:

A fellow was going to bat,
Had a dick that was long as “all that”.
He rounded each base,
In a three legged race,
Then tripped on his balls and fell flat.

David McCormick:

A fellow was going to bat
So he donned, for protection, a hat;
Gloves and shirt, lightly padded;
Then furtively added
A cup for his this and his that.

Steph Holdridge:

A fella was going to bat
For a gal who was losing her flat.
He stopped the eviction
With a tale that was fiction,
And moved in with his dog and his cat.

Linda Moss:

A fellow was going to bat.
From nowhere appeared a black cat.
He threw up his hand,
Tossed the bat in the sand.
Superstition will trick you like that!

Johanna Richmond:

A fellow was going to bat
For a perky, pump-lovin’ pack rat;
Her footwear collection
(A shoo-in erection)
Could heal him in five minutes flat.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

Limerick of the Week (23)

Sunday, August 21st, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:

Congratulations to BRUCE NIEDT who wins Limerick of the Week for this entertaining verse:

A woman who always seemed game
Bedded men who all asked her the same:
“Did you have a good time?”
And each night she would chime,
“Oh yes! I am so glad I came!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Matty, Ira Bloom, and Jesse Levy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Johanna Richmond

A woman who always seemed game
Loved a man who put “spicey” to shame;
While his creamed pepper jack
Made a very nice snack,
His Jamaican jerk set her aflame.

Matty:

A fellow who always seemed game
Went out with a strange looking dame.
As the petting got heavy
In back of his Chevy,
He found out that Pete was her name.

Ira Bloom:

A woman who always seemed game,
From Siam, said without any shame:
“I will whip your behind,
If you like Thais that bind,
‘Cause I dress not to kill, but to maim.”

Jesse Levy:

A woman who always seemed game,
Could never remember my name.
I told her, quite peevy,
“My dear, it is Levy.”
Now her name and mine are the same.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

Limerick of the Week (21)

Sunday, August 7th, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:

Congratulations to David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

A love-smitten gal was irate
When H. Lecter, (her beau), turned up late;
“My regrets,” he said quickly,
“My tummy felt sickly,
“It’s probably someone I ate.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jesse Levy, Kay Saladay, Johanna Richmond, and Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jesse Levy:

A love-smitten gal was irate
’Cause she went with a real reprobate.
He was lazy and greedy
And boy, was he needy.
But his paintings do hang in the Tate.

Kay Salady:

A love-smitten gal was irate
When her guy showed up late for their date.
The smell of perfume
Drifted into the room.
Then her love quickly turned into hate.

Johanna Richmond:

A love-smitten gal was irate
When her man fled the deli mid-date:
Her pickle juice trickle
Made lover-boy fickle;
He took his knishes too –– great!

Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith

A love-smitten gal was irate
That her chatter seemed starting to grate.
She talked up a flurry.
He left in a hurry.
She joined “on-and-on anon.” Late.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.