Limerick Blows (Limerick-Off Monday)
NOTE: THIS IS A TWO-WEEK LIMERICK-OFF. LIMERICK SUBMISSION DEADLINE IS SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 2014
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
Please note that due to the holidays, this Limerick-Off will run for two weeks, instead of one. So I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner two weeks from today, on January 5, 2014, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full two weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 4, 2014 at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
And since you’ll have two weeks, I’m offering you a topical alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to the holidays, using any first line. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best holiday-related limerick.
And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge, I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman who’d suffered some blows…*
or
A fellow who’d just come to blows…*
or
A fellow who frequently blows…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Blows
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow who frequently blows
His nose at theatrical shows
Was finally thrown out
Cuz his Nutcracker snout
Had trod upon too many toes.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ballet Humor, Competition Limerick, Dance Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Nutcracker Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A two-fer
‘Tis the day that a deer’s temper blows
From that song about Rudolph’s red nose.
The reason it’s lit
Is he drinks quite a bit.
So let’s sleigh him and then chase some does.
A woman who’d suffered some blows
Black and blue from head to her toes
A rodeo rider
And back alley fighter
And every day hitting new lows
One night as she swept into Joe’s
A tall stranger offered a rose
In time she came round
Deciding she’d found
A sidekick for confronting foes
Where they ended nobody knows
But surely they dealt with her woes
No more seen in bars
Nor chugging from jars
But only her horse strikes the pose
When told of a woman who ‘blows’,
Men queued at her door in droves,
Their wives were less thrilled
And had them all killed
An buried in orderly rows.
Illustrated version
The gay lovers’ spat came to blows.
No! Not in the way you suppose.
For shame! Your mind’s twisted.
Their fight was two fisted
And did not involve taking off clothes.
A fellow who’d just come to blows
Couldn’t explain but only God knows
He came on strong
On what he saw wrong
And got bashed up for he reacted slow
Hank
The bravery of someone who blows
On bagpipes, is hard to suppose.
As they pump and exhale
It lets out a high wail—
Like a cat in its final death throes.
A fellow delivered some blows
To his desk drawer, which just wouldn’t close
“It gets stuffed sometimes
“With my limerick rhymes
“I guess I’ll just go back to prose”
A fellow who frequently blows
His very large reindeer nose
Took a plug from his pocket
Stuck it into a socket.
Now his nose red as Rudolph’s it glows.
.
A fellow who’d just come to blows
With a reindeer famed for his nose
Left Rudolph quite stricken
As Santa was picken’.
A new nose from the pack soon arose.
.
His nose Rudolph frequently blows
As huge tears from his eyes soon arose.
His bags he must pack.
Santa cut him no slack.
It was Rudolph’s the new nose would depose.
.
Now poor Rudolph frequently blows
His nose till it’s red as a rose.
His nose he kept lickin’
Said “it’s better than pickin’
A new song someone needs to compose.”
A hotel’s senior manager blows
Lots of money whenever he goes
Out to eat, ’cause he’ll say
At a local café,
“I want plenty of suite potatoes.”
A woman who’d suffered some blows
To her ego most certainly knows:
Though not a great beauty,
She is quite a cutie.
And It’s internal beauty that glows.
A fellow who’d just come to blows
Realized his opponents were schmoes
Idiot schmocks
Whose lives ran amok,
Not worthy of being his foes
A fellow who frequently blows
His own trumpet, but never his nose,
Is snot nice to know
As a-bragging he’ll go,
While the goo down his upper lip flows.
A woman who’d suffered some blows
Said, ‘Blow this!’ – to Martial Arts goes –
Her blows are since felt
(Well under the belt)
When slightest aggression one shows.
A woman who’d suffered some blows
and frequently bled from her nose
was queried as to
“Who did that to you?”
“My sis, when I fought over clothes.”
A fellow who frequently blows
His duck calls on A&E knows
He’s now been suspended
His dynasty’s ended
Because his opinion he shows
A woman who’d suffered some blows
While shopping for Christmas now knows
When stock’s running out
Prepare for a bout
Or get knocked out by ho-ho-hos
A fellow who’d just come to blows
Was by his wife punched in the nose
Though his nose she busted
And lungs she dis-gusted
He won’t breathe a word, I suppose…
Crowsnester said “hey, thar she blows”
Sending the whole crew into throes
Being too long out to sea
It gave new point to horny
With harpoons in their hands it shows
Two rivals were edging toward blows.
They sought the same woman each knows.
With utmost discretion,
She made this confession:
She wanted both foes without clothes.
A fellow who’d just come to blows
Was bruised from his nose to his toes,
One eye was shut tight,
He screamed at the sight,
“Oh my God, you’ve broken my nose.”
A woman who’d suffered some blows
Was black and blue from nose to toes
She wailed “My poor, poor face
Is a bloody disgrace
And my nose is red as a rose.”
A fellow who frequently blows
First hot and then cold, goodness knows,
Will frequently fail,
And then he will rail
At his fate, his friends and his foes.
To wish you Madeleine, Mark and family and all the good Limerickists a very Merry Christmas and New Year
Cheers Radnoft
When the winter wind icily blows
And the boogers freeze up in my nose,
I dig around with my thumb,
Hoping for a nice plum,
And I also make use of my toes.
In the China the smog blows and blows.
Choking breathing and soiling the clothes.
Is this bad? No it’s NOT!
It’s a government plot
To shield their fine nation from foes.
At least according to “The Global Times,”
which is published by the Communist Party’s
official People’s Daily, which stated that:
“Smog may help the Chinese military by
obscuring sight lines, reducing the
effectiveness of surveillance and weapons
systems.”
Christmas Day and Radnoft Pladzitcki
Is not now feeling as frisky
Since his Family have been
And have now quit the scene
Might as well get stuck into the whisky.
…
It’s a Jewish December tradition
To serve meals at the Save-a-Soul Mission
Then to nosh some Chinese
Where pork’s kosher–Oh please,
That is NOT the rabbinic position!
Jesus of Nazareth a nice Jewish boy
Came to be greatly admired by the Goy
He studied the Torah
And had such an aura
Made mitzvah teaching such folks to their joy
His paycheck, Arnold always blows
Saying, easy come, easy goes.
A hopeless sot,
A miser he is not,
He’ll buy ten drinks and then just doze.
This limerick certainly blows
Why I’d even submit it, who knows?
“It’s Christmas, you jerk,
And you’re stuck here at work!
Just post it and see how it goes.”
A woman who’d suffered some blows
from guys whom she thought were her beaus,
told them all to get lost
in tones filled with frost,
and said their new status was “Foes.”
A woman who frequently blows
Her husband’s money on hoes
Might just have prevented
His being tempted
Or at least she can hope, we suppose
A woman renowned for her blows,
Stirs fellows like one of the pros.
With rapid ascension,
They’re called to attention.
As bugler, she shakes off their doze.
A man named Nonoze suffered blows
To his ego, from icy wife, Rose
He’d beg her to diddle him
But she’d just belittle him
No one knows nos like Nonoze
This Holiday season of fun
We bake in Australian Sun
And we sit on our lawns
Eating BBQ prawns
Or take -away chicken on the run.
A gardener frequently blows
Lots of money on hoes, hose, and hos.
What’s the kind he likes best?
Well, unlike all the rest,
It’s the one that you can’t buy at Lowe’s.
The winds around 90 do blow
While the heat’s something like down below
Comes hail then rain
And it’s freezing again
That’s just one day in Melbourne you know
A fellow of whom I’ve heard tell
Doesn’t write Christmas cards very well:
“I wish you and your wife
Ots of ove and ong ife.”
But it fits, in this time of No el.
How we deal with life’s terrible blows:
This is something Kurt Vonnegut knows.
Fishes swim, birdies fly,
While Man asks, “Why, why, why?”
Gets no answer at all. So it goes.
A woman who frequently blows
On her horn says her preference it shows.
When asked by a wench
If her horn felt like French
She replied, “Blowing French — le meme chose.”
And now that same fellow that blows
His duck calls on A&E knows
His speech rights defended
Suspension has ended
And that’s how the story now goes
The safe was all set to blow
But the half witted burglar slow
After lighting the wick
Should have got away quick
So all that they found was a toe.
An old Hooker to make a guy blow
Preferred to give head in the snow
And she’d say with a sniff,
“They still remain stiff
Before and after they go.”
Ole Frosty was singing a tune
And grinned like a crazed snowman goon
What he’d heard on the street
Would be such a nice treat
The snow blower was coming ’round soon
We went to “The 400 Blows”,
Which we thought was that film of Truffaut’s.
We found we were wrong:
It starred Annabelle Chong
And four hundred fortunate schmoes.
@Jon Gearhart:
Those creepy Duck Dynasty schmucks
Are raking in millions of bucks.
Let ’em shoot off their mouth;
I’ll be sneaking off South
And quietly arming the ducks.
WHAT DID YOU THINK I MEANT?
She hates when it bursts when she blows,
And the sticky effluvium flows
Down her fingers and face
And all over the place…
(*It*’s the tissue she holds to her nose).
A woman who’d suffered some blows
Reflected and now she knows
She deserves better than that
Not to be called stupid or fat
Now loves herself and it shows
A fellow who frequently blows
Is pursuing the profession he chose
Making money hand over fist
Of specialties he’s built quite a list
Fulfilling any desire, just ask, the bugler knows
A woman renown for her blows
was weighing his rush to propose.
With her special skill,
and his lack of will,
She’d get her own way, I suppose?
A lady who’d suffered some blows
Curled up and went into a doze
But when she came round
Feeling chilly, she found
Some swine had run off with her clothes
DON’T BRING IT UP….
I heard of a whore who won’t blow
A client whose dick’s a freak show
She won’t even talk
‘Bout the size of his cock
Invokes the gag rule, don’t you know
On her Birthday an old Hooker blows
Out her Candles the way that she chose
Squatting over the cake
Snuffs them out with a wind break
Delighting the guests with her pose.
After each time this old man blows
Tears fall as he already knows
That his yearly erection
He strives for perfection
Will break his old heart when it goes.
His eyeballs spin round as he blows
And body tingles down to his toes
Please don’t tell me it’s sin
To stick your old fellow in
The vacuum cleaner hose
humans who’d suffered some blows
from bigots who strongly oppose
self-evident rights
of wedded delights
now can do more than propose
A magpie who suffered some blows
Wasted his savings on pros
His financial adviser
Said “Till you can be wiser
I’ll hold all your funds in escrows”.
Our freedom takes yet one more blow
Just look at your lamp there aglow
That bulb, mercury free
Will no longer be
Our government knows best, you bimbo
The Holidays
Though my relatives near come to blows,
And my nightmares are filled with red bows,
And my innocent telly
Now knows Megyn Kelly,
I’m sad after everyone goes!
The New Year’s Resolution
“And how does your hubby, Bob feel?
That’s a whole lot of corn ears to peel!”
Said Aunt Clara who’s deaf.
(What’s a B and an F
When she’s proud of my cob-shucking zeal?)
Picks his nose rather than blows
Then taking the boogie he chose
Without further ado
On it he’ll chew
In this typical little boy pose
A girl who had suffered some blows
Got a run in her new panty hose
Saying”Isn’t it shocking
This hole in my stocking’s
Closer to the bottom the higher it goes”
Canning Phil Robertson blew.
So now we can’t render our view?
Like it or hate it
If we can’t debate it
Perhaps the more hateful is you
At the company party this Christmas,
Our boss was a rowdily Pissed Ms,
All smoochy and jolly,
Decked only in holly–
An under-the-mistletoe-Kissed mess.
To a Quaker he knows, the man sends
Christmas gift that he later defends.
Their sacred Society
Asserts impropriety,
But the Quakers contend they’re just Friends.
At Christmas, what carries some clout
Is mistletoe hanging about.
When I hung some at work,
People said, “Tell me, Kirk,
With mistletoe how’d you make out?”
The holiday outcome will find
Some people are in quite a bind.
When they step on the scales,
You will often hear wails.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
I had wanted a brand new TV
That is sharper and clearer to see.
Technology’s solution,
My new year’s resolution:
Nineteen twenty by ten eighty — HD.
I give wide screen TVs an infusion
Of refinement, which yields a solution;
Makes displays crisp and clear,
So you know that you’ll hear
That it’s called my new year’s resolution.
Don’t you just love the bighead who blows
About himself and all that he knows
If all those things he had done
He’d be two hundred and one
Sack of bullshit from his head to his toes.
I cannot agree with the ‘Bam’
Affordable Care is a Sham
The cost has now tripled
Economy’s crippled
What a damn racist I am
Our president frequently blows
His chance to speak truth, and it shows
If challenged, he frowns
Like those unsmiling clowns
Just what you’d expect from bozos
I got lucky. Our NYC Blizzard, “Hercules” dumped most of the snow while I was happily sleeping.
And I got even luckier because my lovely wife Madeleine Begun Kane ended up shoveling at least the back of the house, I’ll have to attend to the front now, after breakfast.
So I figured the least I could do was write her a Limerick, Right?
Here goes:
It’s freezing as “Hercules” blows,
Dumping snow, with Mark in deep doze.
But as Mad digs them out,
With a bit of a pout,
Why is she the one with froze toes?
Old Faceful faithfully blows
Water into face, eyes, and nose
It’s a cranky old bubbler
You can hear everyone blubber
And emit cusswords, very verbose
Whatever Gets You through the Holidays
As the gift-giving stress starts to rise,
And the urge to share warmth grows in size,
Jan curbs cravings for deals,
Calms her nerves, cops fake feels
All night long scanning union suit flies.
A Gay boy who frequently blows
Has had second thoughts until he knows
If his bum buddys clean
For his dick could have been
Just anywhere, goodness knows.
This climate change crap is a hoax
Designed for the angst it evokes
When fear is the byword
Taxes go skyward
Just one of the ‘spread the wealth’ jokes
A fellow who’d just come to blows
Sat down to examine his clothes
They were bloody and tattered
Not that it mattered
When he realized he got a broke nose
A fellow who’d just come to blows
Could no longer write only in prose
A resut of things physical?
A question most quizzical
Now limericks he likes to compose
A fellow who’d just come to blows
Woke up without any clothes
He stood up erect
Body parts to inspect
But his belly blocked the view of his toes
ok, i’ll stop now :)
(sorry, the name ‘Fred’ was convenient…..)
My date with Ellie May I had blown
Her cleavage had caused me a bone
She noticed and said:
“I’m a farm girl, but Fred,
Your rooster I cannot condone”
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Holiday Theme Limerick Winner, the Limerick Saga Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 146.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Outing.