Limerick Blows (Limerick-Off Monday)

NOTE: THIS IS A TWO-WEEK LIMERICK-OFF. LIMERICK SUBMISSION DEADLINE IS SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

Please note that due to the holidays, this Limerick-Off will run for two weeks, instead of one. So I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner two weeks from today, on January 5, 2014, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full two weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 4, 2014 at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

And since you’ll have two weeks, I’m offering you a topical alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to the holidays, using any first line. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best holiday-related limerick.

And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge, I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman who’d suffered some blows…*

or

A fellow who’d just come to blows…*

or

A fellow who frequently blows…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Blows
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow who frequently blows
His nose at theatrical shows
Was finally thrown out
Cuz his Nutcracker snout
Had trod upon too many toes.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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78 Responses to “Limerick Blows (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Fred Bortz says:

    A two-fer

    ‘Tis the day that a deer’s temper blows
    From that song about Rudolph’s red nose.
    The reason it’s lit
    Is he drinks quite a bit.
    So let’s sleigh him and then chase some does.

  2. P Diane Schneider says:

    A woman who’d suffered some blows
    Black and blue from head to her toes
    A rodeo rider
    And back alley fighter
    And every day hitting new lows

    One night as she swept into Joe’s
    A tall stranger offered a rose
    In time she came round
    Deciding she’d found
    A sidekick for confronting foes

    Where they ended nobody knows
    But surely they dealt with her woes
    No more seen in bars
    Nor chugging from jars
    But only her horse strikes the pose

  3. Sancho Panza says:

    When told of a woman who ‘blows’,
    Men queued at her door in droves,
    Their wives were less thrilled
    And had them all killed
    An buried in orderly rows.

    Illustrated version

  4. Fred Bortz says:

    The gay lovers’ spat came to blows.
    No! Not in the way you suppose.
    For shame! Your mind’s twisted.
    Their fight was two fisted
    And did not involve taking off clothes.

  5. kaykuala says:

    A fellow who’d just come to blows
    Couldn’t explain but only God knows
    He came on strong
    On what he saw wrong
    And got bashed up for he reacted slow

    Hank

  6. The bravery of someone who blows
    On bagpipes, is hard to suppose.
    As they pump and exhale
    It lets out a high wail—
    Like a cat in its final death throes.

  7. rbasler says:

    A fellow delivered some blows
    To his desk drawer, which just wouldn’t close
    “It gets stuffed sometimes
    “With my limerick rhymes
    “I guess I’ll just go back to prose”

  8. John Sardo says:

    A fellow who frequently blows
    His very large reindeer nose
    Took a plug from his pocket
    Stuck it into a socket.
    Now his nose red as Rudolph’s it glows.
    .
    A fellow who’d just come to blows
    With a reindeer famed for his nose
    Left Rudolph quite stricken
    As Santa was picken’.
    A new nose from the pack soon arose.
    .
    His nose Rudolph frequently blows
    As huge tears from his eyes soon arose.
    His bags he must pack.
    Santa cut him no slack.
    It was Rudolph’s the new nose would depose.
    .
    Now poor Rudolph frequently blows
    His nose till it’s red as a rose.
    His nose he kept lickin’
    Said “it’s better than pickin’
    A new song someone needs to compose.”

  9. Kirk Miller says:

    A hotel’s senior manager blows
    Lots of money whenever he goes
    Out to eat, ’cause he’ll say
    At a local café,
    “I want plenty of suite potatoes.”

  10. Judith H. Block says:

    A woman who’d suffered some blows
    To her ego most certainly knows:
    Though not a great beauty,
    She is quite a cutie.
    And It’s internal beauty that glows.

  11. Judith H. Block says:

    A fellow who’d just come to blows
    Realized his opponents were schmoes
    Idiot schmocks
    Whose lives ran amok,
    Not worthy of being his foes

  12. colonialist says:

    A fellow who frequently blows
    His own trumpet, but never his nose,
    Is snot nice to know
    As a-bragging he’ll go,
    While the goo down his upper lip flows.

    A woman who’d suffered some blows
    Said, ‘Blow this!’ – to Martial Arts goes -
    Her blows are since felt
    (Well under the belt)
    When slightest aggression one shows.

  13. WalterMatthau says:

    A woman who’d suffered some blows
    and frequently bled from her nose
    was queried as to
    “Who did that to you?”
    “My sis, when I fought over clothes.”

  14. Jon Gearhart says:

    A fellow who frequently blows
    His duck calls on A&E knows
    He’s now been suspended
    His dynasty’s ended
    Because his opinion he shows

  15. Jon Gearhart says:

    A woman who’d suffered some blows
    While shopping for Christmas now knows
    When stock’s running out
    Prepare for a bout
    Or get knocked out by ho-ho-hos

  16. Jon Gearhart says:

    A fellow who’d just come to blows
    Was by his wife punched in the nose
    Though his nose she busted
    And lungs she dis-gusted
    He won’t breathe a word, I suppose…

  17. yt cai says:

    Crowsnester said “hey, thar she blows”
    Sending the whole crew into throes
    Being too long out to sea
    It gave new point to horny
    With harpoons in their hands it shows

  18. Mark Kane says:

    Two rivals were edging toward blows.
    They sought the same woman each knows.
    With utmost discretion,
    She made this confession:
    She wanted both foes without clothes.

  19. Joe Munk says:

    A fellow who’d just come to blows
    Was bruised from his nose to his toes,
    One eye was shut tight,
    He screamed at the sight,
    “Oh my God, you’ve broken my nose.”

    A woman who’d suffered some blows
    Was black and blue from nose to toes
    She wailed “My poor, poor face
    Is a bloody disgrace
    And my nose is red as a rose.”

    A fellow who frequently blows
    First hot and then cold, goodness knows,
    Will frequently fail,
    And then he will rail
    At his fate, his friends and his foes.

  20. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    To wish you Madeleine, Mark and family and all the good Limerickists a very Merry Christmas and New Year
    Cheers Radnoft

  21. John Ramos says:

    When the winter wind icily blows
    And the boogers freeze up in my nose,
    I dig around with my thumb,
    Hoping for a nice plum,
    And I also make use of my toes.

  22. Mark Kane says:

    In the China the smog blows and blows.
    Choking breathing and soiling the clothes.
    Is this bad? No it’s NOT!
    It’s a government plot
    To shield their fine nation from foes.

    At least according to “The Global Times,”

    which is published by the Communist Party’s

    official People’s Daily, which stated that:

    “Smog may help the Chinese military by

    obscuring sight lines, reducing the

    effectiveness of surveillance and weapons

    systems.”

  23. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Christmas Day and Radnoft Pladzitcki
    Is not now feeling as frisky
    Since his Family have been
    And have now quit the scene
    Might as well get stuck into the whisky.

  24. Fred Bortz says:

    It’s a Jewish December tradition
    To serve meals at the Save-a-Soul Mission
    Then to nosh some Chinese
    Where pork’s kosher–Oh please,
    That is NOT the rabbinic position!

  25. P Diane Schneider says:

    Jesus of Nazareth a nice Jewish boy
    Came to be greatly admired by the Goy
    He studied the Torah
    And had such an aura
    Made mitzvah teaching such folks to their joy

  26. Tom Harris says:

    His paycheck, Arnold always blows
    Saying, easy come, easy goes.
    A hopeless sot,
    A miser he is not,
    He’ll buy ten drinks and then just doze.

  27. Bill Klein says:

    This limerick certainly blows
    Why I’d even submit it, who knows?
    “It’s Christmas, you jerk,
    And you’re stuck here at work!
    Just post it and see how it goes.”

  28. John Peter Larkin says:

    A woman who’d suffered some blows
    from guys whom she thought were her beaus,
    told them all to get lost
    in tones filled with frost,
    and said their new status was “Foes.”

  29. Jen Harris says:

    A woman who frequently blows
    Her husband’s money on hoes
    Might just have prevented
    His being tempted
    Or at least she can hope, we suppose

  30. Mark Kane says:

    A woman renowned for her blows,
    Stirs fellows like one of the pros.
    With rapid ascension,
    They’re called to attention.
    As bugler, she shakes off their doze.

  31. Byron Ives says:

    A man named Nonoze suffered blows
    To his ego, from icy wife, Rose
    He’d beg her to diddle him
    But she’d just belittle him
    No one knows nos like Nonoze

  32. Diane Groothuis says:

    This Holiday season of fun
    We bake in Australian Sun
    And we sit on our lawns
    Eating BBQ prawns
    Or take -away chicken on the run.

  33. Tim James says:

    A gardener frequently blows
    Lots of money on hoes, hose, and hos.
    What’s the kind he likes best?
    Well, unlike all the rest,
    It’s the one that you can’t buy at Lowe’s.

  34. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    The winds around 90 do blow
    While the heat’s something like down below
    Comes hail then rain
    And it’s freezing again
    That’s just one day in Melbourne you know

  35. Tim James says:

    A fellow of whom I’ve heard tell
    Doesn’t write Christmas cards very well:
    “I wish you and your wife
    Ots of ove and ong ife.”
    But it fits, in this time of No el.

  36. Don Wilkie says:

    How we deal with life’s terrible blows:
    This is something Kurt Vonnegut knows.
    Fishes swim, birdies fly,
    While Man asks, “Why, why, why?”
    Gets no answer at all. So it goes.

  37. Bob Dvorak says:

    A woman who frequently blows
    On her horn says her preference it shows.
    When asked by a wench
    If her horn felt like French
    She replied, “Blowing French — le meme chose.”

  38. Jon Gearhart says:

    And now that same fellow that blows
    His duck calls on A&E knows
    His speech rights defended
    Suspension has ended
    And that’s how the story now goes

  39. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    The safe was all set to blow
    But the half witted burglar slow
    After lighting the wick
    Should have got away quick
    So all that they found was a toe.

  40. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    An old Hooker to make a guy blow
    Preferred to give head in the snow
    And she’d say with a sniff,
    “They still remain stiff
    Before and after they go.”

  41. Byron Ives says:

    Ole Frosty was singing a tune
    And grinned like a crazed snowman goon
    What he’d heard on the street
    Would be such a nice treat
    The snow blower was coming ’round soon

  42. We went to “The 400 Blows”,
    Which we thought was that film of Truffaut’s.
    We found we were wrong:
    It starred Annabelle Chong
    And four hundred fortunate schmoes.

  43. @Jon Gearhart:

    Those creepy Duck Dynasty schmucks
    Are raking in millions of bucks.
    Let ‘em shoot off their mouth;
    I’ll be sneaking off South
    And quietly arming the ducks.

  44. WHAT DID YOU THINK I MEANT?

    She hates when it bursts when she blows,
    And the sticky effluvium flows
    Down her fingers and face
    And all over the place…
    (*It*’s the tissue she holds to her nose).

  45. A woman who’d suffered some blows
    Reflected and now she knows
    She deserves better than that
    Not to be called stupid or fat
    Now loves herself and it shows

  46. A fellow who frequently blows
    Is pursuing the profession he chose
    Making money hand over fist
    Of specialties he’s built quite a list
    Fulfilling any desire, just ask, the bugler knows

  47. Mark Kane says:

    A woman renown for her blows
    was weighing his rush to propose.
    With her special skill,
    and his lack of will,
    She’d get her own way, I suppose?

  48. Steve Ascott says:

    A lady who’d suffered some blows
    Curled up and went into a doze
    But when she came round
    Feeling chilly, she found
    Some swine had run off with her clothes

  49. Byron Ives says:

    DON’T BRING IT UP….

    I heard of a whore who won’t blow
    A client whose dick’s a freak show
    She won’t even talk
    ‘Bout the size of his cock
    Invokes the gag rule, don’t you know

  50. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    On her Birthday an old Hooker blows
    Out her Candles the way that she chose
    Squatting over the cake
    Snuffs them out with a wind break
    Delighting the guests with her pose.

  51. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    After each time this old man blows
    Tears fall as he already knows
    That his yearly erection
    He strives for perfection
    Will break his old heart when it goes.

  52. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    His eyeballs spin round as he blows
    And body tingles down to his toes
    Please don’t tell me it’s sin
    To stick your old fellow in
    The vacuum cleaner hose

  53. scott says:

    humans who’d suffered some blows
    from bigots who strongly oppose
    self-evident rights
    of wedded delights
    now can do more than propose

  54. Diane Groothuis says:

    A magpie who suffered some blows
    Wasted his savings on pros
    His financial adviser
    Said “Till you can be wiser
    I’ll hold all your funds in escrows”.

  55. Byron Ives says:

    Our freedom takes yet one more blow
    Just look at your lamp there aglow
    That bulb, mercury free
    Will no longer be
    Our government knows best, you bimbo

  56. Johanna Richmond says:

    The Holidays

    Though my relatives near come to blows,
    And my nightmares are filled with red bows,
    And my innocent telly
    Now knows Megyn Kelly,
    I’m sad after everyone goes!

  57. Johanna Richmond says:

    The New Year’s Resolution

    “And how does your hubby, Bob feel?
    That’s a whole lot of corn ears to peel!”
    Said Aunt Clara who’s deaf.
    (What’s a B and an F
    When she’s proud of my cob-shucking zeal?)

  58. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Picks his nose rather than blows
    Then taking the boogie he chose
    Without further ado
    On it he’ll chew
    In this typical little boy pose

  59. Diane Groothuis says:

    A girl who had suffered some blows
    Got a run in her new panty hose
    Saying”Isn’t it shocking
    This hole in my stocking’s
    Closer to the bottom the higher it goes”

  60. Byron Ives says:

    Canning Phil Robertson blew.
    So now we can’t render our view?
    Like it or hate it
    If we can’t debate it
    Perhaps the more hateful is you

  61. Byron Miller says:

    At the company party this Christmas,
    Our boss was a rowdily Pissed Ms,
    All smoochy and jolly,
    Decked only in holly–
    An under-the-mistletoe-Kissed mess.

  62. Kirk Miller says:

    To a Quaker he knows, the man sends
    Christmas gift that he later defends.
    Their sacred Society
    Asserts impropriety,
    But the Quakers contend they’re just Friends.

  63. Kirk Miller says:

    At Christmas, what carries some clout
    Is mistletoe hanging about.
    When I hung some at work,
    People said, “Tell me, Kirk,
    With mistletoe how’d you make out?”

  64. Kirk Miller says:

    The holiday outcome will find
    Some people are in quite a bind.
    When they step on the scales,
    You will often hear wails.
    A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

  65. Kirk Miller says:

    I had wanted a brand new TV
    That is sharper and clearer to see.
    Technology’s solution,
    My new year’s resolution:
    Nineteen twenty by ten eighty — HD.

    I give wide screen TVs an infusion
    Of refinement, which yields a solution;
    Makes displays crisp and clear,
    So you know that you’ll hear
    That it’s called my new year’s resolution.

  66. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Don’t you just love the bighead who blows
    About himself and all that he knows
    If all those things he had done
    He’d be two hundred and one
    Sack of bullshit from his head to his toes.

  67. Byron Ives says:

    I cannot agree with the ‘Bam’
    Affordable Care is a Sham
    The cost has now tripled
    Economy’s crippled
    What a damn racist I am

  68. Byron Ives says:

    Our president frequently blows
    His chance to speak truth, and it shows
    If challenged, he frowns
    Like those unsmiling clowns
    Just what you’d expect from bozos

  69. Mark Kane says:

    I got lucky. Our NYC Blizzard, “Hercules” dumped most of the snow while I was happily sleeping.

    And I got even luckier because my lovely wife Madeleine Begun Kane ended up shoveling at least the back of the house, I’ll have to attend to the front now, after breakfast.

    So I figured the least I could do was write her a Limerick, Right?

    Here goes:

    It’s freezing as “Hercules” blows,
    Dumping snow, with Mark in deep doze.
    But as Mad digs them out,
    With a bit of a pout,
    Why is she the one with froze toes?

  70. John Armstrong says:

    Old Faceful faithfully blows
    Water into face, eyes, and nose
    It’s a cranky old bubbler
    You can hear everyone blubber
    And emit cusswords, very verbose

  71. Johanna Richmond says:

    Whatever Gets You through the Holidays

    As the gift-giving stress starts to rise,
    And the urge to share warmth grows in size,
    Jan curbs cravings for deals,
    Calms her nerves, cops fake feels
    All night long scanning union suit flies.

  72. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A Gay boy who frequently blows
    Has had second thoughts until he knows
    If his bum buddys clean
    For his dick could have been
    Just anywhere, goodness knows.

  73. Byron Ives says:

    This climate change crap is a hoax
    Designed for the angst it evokes
    When fear is the byword
    Taxes go skyward
    Just one of the ‘spread the wealth’ jokes

  74. Drewbai says:

    A fellow who’d just come to blows
    Sat down to examine his clothes
    They were bloody and tattered
    Not that it mattered
    When he realized he got a broke nose

  75. Drewbai says:

    A fellow who’d just come to blows
    Could no longer write only in prose
    A resut of things physical?
    A question most quizzical
    Now limericks he likes to compose

  76. Drewbai says:

    A fellow who’d just come to blows
    Woke up without any clothes
    He stood up erect
    Body parts to inspect
    But his belly blocked the view of his toes

    ok, i’ll stop now :)

  77. Byron Ives says:

    (sorry, the name ‘Fred’ was convenient…..)

    My date with Ellie May I had blown
    Her cleavage had caused me a bone
    She noticed and said:
    “I’m a farm girl, but Fred,
    Your rooster I cannot condone”

  78. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Holiday Theme Limerick Winner, the Limerick Saga Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 146.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Outing.