Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BREAD or BRED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 16, 2021)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BREAD or BRED at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SELF-CONTROL, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SELF-CONTROL-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on October 17, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 16, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my BREAD or BRED-rhyme limerick:

A fellow with plenty of bread
Held a fete on his boat — a big spread.
Near the end of the bash
He dropped much of his cash
In the toilet. Wealth’s gone to his head.

And here’s my SELF-CONTROL-themed limerick:

I’m beginning to notice a lag in
Restraint from a pal who’s been braggin’
That he’s wholly off beer.
But I’m starting to fear
That my trucker friend fell off the wagon.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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205 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BREAD or BRED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 16, 2021)”

  1. Bob Turvey says:

    There was a young lady named Flo,
    Whose boyfriend said, “Women can’t throw.”
    So she threw at his head,
    A loaf of stale bread;
    But she missed and she fractured her toe.

  2. Bob Turvey says:

    Said a son of the famous MacGregors,
    “I’m one of those quite lucky beggars.
    With my good lady friend
    My self-control cannot end.”
    But it did – and now she is preggers.

  3. Lisi Nortman says:

    Self Control

    Those cookies just wait in their niches.
    To grab you, (they’ve purposeful glitches).
    They make you untame.
    I’m changing their name
    To “Choc-a-late Son Of A Bitches”.

  4. Lisi Nortman says:


    Those cookies just wait in their niches.
    To grab you, like villainous witches.
    They make you untame.
    I’m changing their name
    To “Choc-a-late Son Of A Bitches”.

  5. Paul Haebig says:

    I’m helpless when faced with desserts
    I’ll eat ’til my stomach, it hurts!
    I eat every last bite;
    Now my pants are too tight
    And I can’t button most of my shirts.

  6. Paul Haebig says:

    He’s a terrible baker, that Ted.
    He burns every last loaf of bread.
    His blueberry scones
    are closer to stones,
    and his biscuits are heavy as lead!

  7. Lisi Nortman says:

    No Self-Control Solution

    I was caught in an uncontrolled trap.
    Then I thought of a fix in a snap:
    Called, “Shed Pounds In Style”
    But after a while,
    I lied on my own weight loss app.

  8. Kay Salady says:

    Daily Bread

    They say that a girl who’s well-bred
    Won’t let vanity go to her head
    But how can she save face
    When wealth beauty and grace
    Is the diet on which she is fed

  9. Terry Marter says:

    Our bakery was run from a shed
    Where those wonderful smells filled my head
    We made cakes and bread both,
    There was no time to loaf
    It’s where I was Raised, – Born and bred.

  10. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our Former President Comes Clean

    “I lied to the whole population,
    Dishonored this glorious nation.
    But since I’m well-bred
    I must say instead:
    I handed you disinformation”.

  11. Terry Marter says:

    The sensation is driving me mad
    What a feeling, – so good yet so bad.
    It’s coming on strong
    Can’t hold it for long
    Oh Yes – YES! It’s the best sneeze I’ve had.

  12. Rudy Landesman says:

    We’re hungry and need to be fed.
    For forty long years we’re misled.
    We’re not asking for much,
    Like manna or such.
    Just give us our damn daily bread!

  13. Ken Gosse says:

    Siblinghood ~
    My parents both look like each other.
    Their parents were sister and brother.
    My kids were inbred
    in my own sibling’s bed,
    like we learned from our father and mother.

  14. Terry Marter says:

    Child Psychology book by my bed
    is too heavy, – I’ll take it as read.
    If they’re naughty at home
    I’ll just pick up that tome
    and give them a smack in the head!

  15. Kay Salady says:

    I’m beginning to feel this restraint
    With my eating can make me feel faint
    But if breakfast’s by nine
    And my dinner’s on time
    I seldom have a complaint

  16. Lisi Nortman says:

    Taking Aggressive Action

    Here’s my method, (you might be afraid).
    Just relax, it’s a sure-fire aid.
    Get the cake you have hidden,
    (Which your wife tagged, “forbidden” )
    And frost with a hand-thrown grenade.

  17. barb macleod says:

    To forget that I one day shall pass,
    And tonight shall fall drunk on my ass:
    To the pious, the dead,
    To the poor but well-bred,
    With the libertines raise I my glass!

  18. Brian Allgar says:

    “There are people with no self-control
    Like that ex-presidential a-hole”,
    Said Bill Gates. “Can’t ignore them,
    So we’ll do it for them –
    A chip in each brain is our goal.”

  19. Brian Allgar says:


    “Since they tell me I’m quite overfed,
    I’m determined to diet”, he said.
    “Though I’ll still eat by tons
    Greasy burgers and buns,
    I shall make myself give up stale bread.”

  20. Brian Allgar says:

    “Beware of that woman!” they said
    To the baker who hoped to be wed.
    “She just happens to know
    That you’re rolling in dough –
    She’s a gold-digger, after your bread.”

  21. Zelick M. says:

    The Sanctimony Of Preservatives
    Or – .Gov considerations

    When sawdust was banned from all bread
    F.D.A. said:”Don’t put instead Lead
    Cause a loaf In the head
    Without mayo spread
    Is a sign you went wrong when you wed”.

    (In USA they had sawdust in bread)
    (US.Gov never does silly stuff)

  22. Kirk Miller says:

    Local baker’s a man of renown
    Who’s awarded the bread making crown.
    All the judges have said
    That his prize-winning bread
    Is superb. It’s the toast of the town.

  23. Lisi Nortman says:

    I ate at “Baguette” and you must
    Come join me next time, cause they just
    Serve the well-bred,
    But you might feel unfed,
    All they offer is dry upper crust.

  24. Tony Holmes says:

    Every baker is nursing a dread,
    That of shedding while kneading his bread.
    Should a stray strand be found
    Once the loaves have been browned,
    He just prays it’s a hair from his head.

  25. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Victorian Pokey” January 1, 1801: Fine Dining

    “Today Sir, we have a nice spread.
    You’ll be stuffed, and extremely well-fed.
    Thus, Lordship Slaughter,
    Here’s your yummy spring water.
    Such a pity, we’re all out of bread”

  26. Tony Holmes says:

    Those who advocate strict self-control
    Are a miserable lot, on the whole.
    Not for them the delights
    Of those drink sodden nights,
    Or the head hanging over the bowl.

  27. Jesse Levy says:

    I really can’t stop my loud crying
    Because of my profligate buying
    It sure isn’t funny
    ‘Cause I’m out of money
    But at least I own all I’ve been eyeing

  28. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mr. and Mrs. Lardow

    My wife said, “We must go on Keto”.
    Oh yuk, I did not feel completow.
    So I’d sneak out at night.
    And what a delight:
    To run out for pizza to eatow.

  29. Lisi Nortman says:

    I used to call Johnny a “sleaze”
    Cuz he constantly begged for “Trapeze”.
    Since I’m very well-bred,
    One night in our bed,
    I agreed cuz he fine’ly said, “please”.

  30. Lisi Nortman says:

    He said, “Now get down on your knees”.
    I heard you’re a real expertise”.
    But since I’m well-bred,
    I instantly said,
    “Okay, but you ‘gotta say, “please”.

  31. Lisi Nortman says:

    Correction From 10:32 AM today

    I ate at “Baguette” and you must
    Come join me next time, cause they just
    Will serve the well-bred.
    But you might feel unfed.
    All they offer is dry upper crust.

  32. Lisi Nortman says:

    Another Procedure For Self-Control: “The Roaches Brigade”

    Here’s my method, it’s quite a good aid.
    I call it “The Roaches Brigade”
    Get the cake that you’ve hidden,
    (Which your wife tagged, “Forbidden”)
    And spray it with 2 cans of Raid.

    (It works)

  33. Rudy Landesman says:

    That gal is well read and well bred.
    She’d never (she said) be caught dead
    With a book that was porn.
    She dismissed those with scorn.
    She’d watch X-rated movies instead.

  34. Lisi Nortman says:

    I cried real big tears in my bed.
    My eyes and my face got so red.
    I forgot to walk Rover
    Cuz that day was passed over.
    Now me and my dog can’t have bread.

  35. Terry Marter says:

    My control over air, land and sea
    Was a foregone conclusion to me.
    But to Be voted out
    (It was rigged, – There’s no doubt)
    Is a detail I didn’t foresee.

  36. Terry Marter says:

    My attempt to rule land, sea and air
    Was stolen from me, – so unfair.
    If they’d all just agree
    That you voted for Me
    I’d control the whole world from my chair.

  37. Terry Marter says:

    My quest to rule air, sea and land
    Was derailed, they were So underhand.
    My catchy new cry:
    ‘Vote for me or you’ll die.’
    I’ve got my revenge war all planned.

  38. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    This appeal from my doctor sufficed
    To reveal his advice over-priced:
    “Cut down on your bread.”
    That’s all that he said.
    And I had to explain, “It comes sliced.”

  39. Lisi Nortman says:

    Weight Loss Strategy: 1999

    Small portions, I couldn’t maintain.
    No will power, so I would gain
    Lots of weight, (such distress).
    So my plan to munch less
    Was to eat ev’ry day on a plane.

  40. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Being catered to eats at my head.
    That’s why waitstaff at restaurants I dread.
    But I try to act hip,
    As I leave a big tip,
    And I ask, “Would you care for more bread?”

  41. Lisi Nortman says:

    Millennials Vs. Baby Boomers

    “A sandwich? No way”! Ashley said.
    “I won’t eat one, I’d rather be dead!”
    The truth must be told.
    If, (like me) you are old,
    You remember when people ate bread.

  42. Lisi Nortman says:

    “A True Gentleman”

    When I see a real sexy behind,
    I always act very refined.
    Since I’m very well-bred,
    I MUST think ahead.
    So, at first I just fondle her mind.

  43. Tim James says:

    Said the scion, so suave and well-bred,
    To his lady: “It’s time that we wed.
    I’ll be needing a mare
    To provide me an heir.”
    So she did what she had to. She fled.

  44. Rudy Landesman says:

    Bread/Self control

    On Passover you can’t have bread.
    You have to eat matzohs instead.
    Your complaints, please restrain.
    Or must I explain?
    You’re Jewish. Get that through your head!

  45. Lisi Nortman says:

    A beer, I assume, is just fine.
    Yet it’s something I always decline.
    Cuz we the well-bred
    Are “one step ahead”
    And would rather get schnockered on wine.

  46. Lisi Nortman says:

    I wanted to be so much thinner,
    My plan? It sure wasn’t a winner:
    For breakfast and lunch,
    A salad to munch.
    Then loss of control for my dinner.

  47. Lisi Nortman says:

    a minor change: L5

    A beer, I assume, is just fine.
    Yet it’s something I always decline.
    Cuz we the well-bred
    Are one step ahead.
    And prefer to get schnockered on wine.

  48. Roger Haugen says:

    Some tell you that organic bread
    Is good for your body and head;
    The problem is, though,
    I don’t have the dough,
    So I eat at McDonald’s instead.

  49. Roger Haugen says:

    “My family’s extremely well-bred,”
    He smirked with a toss of his head;
    When a DNA test
    Put that fiction to rest,
    He keeled over in shock and fell dead.

  50. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    If shooting yourself is your goal,
    Then before you get ready to roll,
    As you suck your cheeks in,
    Also cover your chin.
    It’s called practicing selfie control.

  51. Terry Marter says:

    Showing off my hot car at a rally
    Met some rev-heads, – we got kinda pally
    The old-timer said
    “Tell me son, where you bred”
    I said “I’m from Gasoline Alley“

  52. Terry Marter says:

    There’s a rumour about. It’s been said
    That the family is slightly in-bred
    The siblings are close
    So much so that it’s gross
    And the baby has one extra head.

  53. Terry Marter says:

    So the guy at the bakery said
    “I’m so sorry, the yeast hasn’t bred.
    The temp was too low
    And I’ve run out of dough
    Without which I’ll soon be in the red”

  54. Terry Marter says:

    To write of control of oneself
    Is an insight to one’s mental health.
    But I’ve no self control
    To write of (on the whole), –
    Information of which I’ve no wealth.

  55. Terry Marter says:

    The kids said “we’re gonna drop dead.
    Get up Mum, – cos we need to be fed.”
    “Stop licking your chops, –
    Didn’t get to the shops.
    All I’ve got is a loaf of stale bread.”

  56. Terry Marter says:

    You would Never quiz me ‘bout my wealth
    You’d approach pers’nal matters with stealth
    You Would, on the whole
    Exercise self control

  57. Lisi Nortman says:

    1950: The Well-Bred Neighbors: Mr. and Mrs. Highfalutin’

    Our neighbors, so braggingly said,
    “We both are extremely well-bred”
    The iPhone was unknown,
    So to stay in their “zone”
    They ignored ev’rybody instead.

  58. Lisi Nortman says:


    Our neighbors so braggingly said,
    “We both are extremely well-bred”.
    To prevail in the “zone”
    Without an iPhone,
    They ignored ev’rybody instead.

  59. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Number One Ridiculous Excuse For No Self-Control

    My Mama would constantly shout,
    “Lose weight! Your are just too damn stout!”
    I’d say, “Mom, in my bod,
    Though this may sound quite odd,
    Is a thin one that just can’t get out”.

  60. Terry Marter says:

    Do I have self control? Not a lot!
    Not sure if I’m paranoid or what.
    If you wish me “good day”
    In a slightly off way
    I’ll go ape-shit and just lose the plot.

  61. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mrs. Blubber’s Invention For Sure-Fire Self Control

    “I’ve invented a super technique
    For weight loss, oh my! it’s unique!
    I’ve a note by the cake,
    (This rule I won’t break)
    Which says, “Diet will start in one week”.

  62. Lisi Nortman says:

    You Can Do It! Use Self Control And Eat Lots Of Veggies!

    For good diet foods, I went shopping.
    Came home, and I then started chopping.
    An assortment of greens,
    Threw in low-cal black beans.
    And a real tasty Hagen Dazs topping.

  63. Lisi Nortman says:

    minor change, Self Control

    My Mama would constantly shout,
    “Lose weight! you are just too damn stout”

    “Mom, in my fat bod,
    Though this may sound quite odd:
    There’s a thin one which just can’t get out”.

  64. KIRK MILLER says:

    I’ve an urge to my dear wife’s dismay
    When I sing the same song every day.
    I’m singing day and night
    The Lion Sleeps Tonight.
    My compulsion’s just a whim away.

    (a wimoweh, a wimoweh, a wimoweh, a wimoweh . . . )

  65. Terry Marter says:

    She was sexy but Deaf (it is said)
    And went into town to give Head
    to those guys who are poor,
    Sleeping rough on the floor.
    But what she’d been told was “…give Bread”

  66. Rudy Landesman says:

    It wasn’t that she was a slut,
    Though she loved a display of good smut.
    She believed heart and soul
    That beyond her control,
    This feeling came straight from the gut.

  67. Lisi Nortman says:

    (Get a mental picture of the former Governor of New Jersey)

    “My name is Chris Christie, my goal
    Is to keep all the cops on patrol.
    Kill Those Druggies! They tick
    Me off, me off and I’m sick
    Of those lib’rals with no self control”.

  68. Lisi Nortman says:

    How lovely, the night they were wed.
    She liked blue, but the groom preferred red.
    They had a cute boy.
    And they sure did enjoy
    Their lovable baby, “Crossbred”.

  69. Rudy Landesman says:

    Just arrived in the vaunted hereafter,
    I was greeted with songs and with laughter.
    It’s a real rabbit hole.
    They have no self control.
    Nothing ever I’ve seen could be dafter.

  70. Lisi Nortman says:

    A Gift From Aunt La di da

    “To my favorite nephew dear Keith,
    I hereby do fondly bequeath:
    A piece called “Well-Bred”
    Which forthwith must be read,
    Called “Plucking The Spinach From Teeth”.

  71. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Seeing vultures soar over his shed,
    The old Colonel stood scratching his head.
    “I ordered these flyers?
    I meant to say FRYERS.
    Well, this could be a good breed to bread.”

  72. It’s the Mexican Day of the Dead,
    All the cookies, tamales and bread.
    There’s the skulls they will paint,
    And the yearly complaint.
    The copious carbs to be shed.

  73. Terry Marter says:

    Now I Do tend to over-indulge
    But here’s a safe place to divulge:
    When I go for a pee
    (Just between you and me)
    I can’t see my dick past the bulge.

  74. Terry Marter says:

    I’ve bought a new book appertaining
    To exercise, eating and Training.
    And teaching oneself
    To pursue better health
    But my appetite for it is Waning.

  75. Lisi Nortman says:

    We know the truth!

    All the “delies” have such a lush spread.
    When you leave, you are truly well-fed.
    Be it nice lean pastrami,
    Real spicy salami,
    Or that basket of last Tuesday’s bread.

  76. The lawyer thought things could go south.
    And client solution caused drought.
    Self-control of defendant,
    was completely dependent.
    On keeping the gag in his mouth.

  77. The student a fan of small space,
    And tortuous body displace.
    She’s contortionist bred,
    From her toes to her head.
    Left the circus, no longer encase.

  78. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m quickly losing my self control

    Fake food is sure something I dread.
    It’s not butter! It’s some yukky spread.
    Phony sugar, mock cream,
    Fake cheese, I could scream.
    And “I Can’t Believe It’s Not White Bread”

  79. Lisi Nortman says:

    OR: I’m Losing My Self Control:

    Fake food is sure something I dread.
    “It’s Not Butter” It’s some yukky spread.
    Phony sugar, mock cream,
    Fake cheese, I could scream!
    And “I Can’t Believe That It’s Not Bread”.

  80. Lisi Nortman says:

    Weight Watchers

    My sister is coming real soon.
    The time was not real opportune.
    I said “fine” cuz she cried,
    “I couldn’t, but tried,
    I’ve used up my points, and it’s noon”

  81. Congested with headache, in pain.
    Lifting a Kleenex, a strain.
    My husband’s loud snoring,
    That’s shaking the flooring.
    Is driving me quickly insane.

  82. Kleenex like scrunched up white bread.
    Are scattered however we tread.
    There’s a cough and a sneeze.
    Decongestant, yes please.
    Sickness invades, want my bed.

  83. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Some guy I once met on the street,
    Told me, “I have had nothing to eat
    In over three days.”
    It may be a phase,
    But his willpower sure can’t be beat.

  84. David W. Hodges says:

    As a child I grew up eating Wonder Bread
    and now that I’m old I live under dread
    of whole wheat or rye.
    Oh, don’t ask me why;
    I guess I’m an old, doughy dunderhead!

  85. Dane Paulsen says:

    No clue had the rising bread.
    He asked if the dough new instead.
    The dough thought and sighed
    And then he replied.
    T’was the yeast I could do he then said.

  86. Dane Paulsen says:

    The son told his dad with a zing.
    For ten bucks I’ll be good as a king.
    Said dad like a sage
    When I was your age.
    I was very good for nothing.

  87. I’m losing all sense of my taste.
    Can’t smell anymore, not a trace.
    How impactful the bread,
    And toppings I dread.
    The pizza completely a waste.

  88. Dane Paulsen says:

    If you face the tough choice with a groan.
    Ice cream cup or cone you do moan.
    I pick cone, maybe cup
    No cone so shut up.
    Then it truly is a waffle cone

  89. Dane Paulsen says:

    A bad act that should be deleted.
    The midnight snack is soon repeated.
    Between should I want
    and should i want not.
    I should want remains undefeated.

  90. Dane Paulsen says:

    Mummies like the same old grind.
    Vacations are not on their mind.
    Why not have fun,
    play in the sun?
    They’re afraid to relax and unwind.

  91. Dane Paulsen says:

    Does your closet cause lament?
    Are your hangers tangled and bent?
    You’ll save your soul
    If you’ll just enroll
    Yourself in hanger management.

  92. Dane Paulsen says:

    The spring gardener took a stance.
    He was so moved he did a dance.
    In love was he
    With spring you see.
    So excited he wet his plants.

  93. Terry Marter says:

    “I shall Win this” he said with a scoff
    “It’s so easy, – this Limerick-off”.
    His good English, Mad said,
    Is refined and well-bred
    But his metre is just a little bit off.

  94. Rudy Landesman says:

    Familiarity breeds much contempt,
    Like hair that’s unwashed and unkempt.
    Even though I am bald
    By my scorn I’m appalled.
    No self-control keeps me exempt.

  95. Terry Marter says:

    I’ve just made a doctor’s appointment
    To see’f he has some kind of ointment
    To improve my foul mood
    Since I’ve given up food
    to lose weight, but I’ve gained disappointment.

  96. Tim James says:

    I’m addicted. It’s ghastly to see.
    Of these urges I’ll never be free.
    I’m all in a twist
    As I try to resist
    That last Snickers bar, calling to me.

    From Mad Kane:
    I used to like Snickers bars. But then I made the mistake of tasting the version they sell of small ones in Halloween candy bags. They’re disgustingly sugary!

  97. Lisi Nortman says:

    I used to like Snickers too! Now there is a new one, with pureed
    black beans replacing the chocolate, and Elmer’s Glue replacing the caramel.

    Those pureed black beans surely are
    Real yukky, and thus on a par
    With glue and with paste
    And that’s what you taste
    In the new Low-In Fat Snickers Bar!
    I think diet food, as a whole
    Has the smell of a new suckling foal.
    The beans and the glue
    Have the tang of a shoe.
    And that’s why I’ve no self control.

  98. Lisi Nortman says:

    This Is What You Call No Self-Control.
    “Guinness Book Of World’s Records”

    Those Guinness books always will show
    Lots of crazies who reached some plateau.
    The “four thousand pound guy”
    Make me think, “Oh My My”
    He certainly let himself go!”

  99. Tony Holmes says:

    A simple twofer:

    To a gentleman, being well-bred,
    “Is a matter of keeping one’s head.”
    When the merde hits the fan,
    “Stand your ground like a man.”
    And good manners? “They’re taken as read.”

  100. Tony Holmes says:

    From day one, I was told, by my wife,
    To provide – twice a day – staff of life.
    Like fool, I said, ‘Bread?’
    “Cast that thought from your head,
    If you want wedded bliss and not strife.”

  101. I’ve tried this with husband before,
    To hide all the candy galore.
    He found, did not work,
    And now, they’re berserk.
    The children costumed at my door.

  102. Bob Turvey says:

    Lord Cholmondeley’s so very well bred
    That he doesn’t watch TV in bed.
    He’s so upper-crust
    That he has a large bust
    Of every ancestor who’s dead.

  103. Bob Turvey says:

    Elves have morals and great self-control;
    So they don’t need laws on elf-control.
    But their shops are a mess!
    You can’t find stuff – I guess
    That they can’t understand shelf-control.

  104. Bob Turvey says:

    In a cabin, (first class), from Bombay,
    The table showed signs of decay.
    The cause, so ‘tis said,
    Was the base of the bread
    Was acidic and burnt it away.

  105. Dave Johnson says:

    He thought that they should but she wouldn’t;
    She said that they could but they shouldn’t.
    And that’s how it went;
    When the daylight was spent,
    She told him she would…then he couldn’t.

  106. Byron Miller says:

    White priv’lege has gone to my head,
    I eat mayo on white bread in bed.
    I’m renowned for my wealth
    And enjoy vibrant health;
    What’s my secret, you ask? I’m white-bred.

  107. Lisi Nortman says:

    Excuses Excuses

    Tried a meeting called, “Weight Loss Support”.
    Soon after, I chose to abort.
    I my view, I’m not stout.
    Cuz I fine’ly worked out
    The conclusion: It’s just that I’m short.

  108. Lisi Nortman says:

    More Excuses

    Her outfits just no longer fit’er.
    (Content, and she’s not even bitter.)
    Still eating those sweets.
    And real fattening treats.
    Won’t stop cause she says “I’m no quitter”

  109. Lisi Nortman says:

    A new sign on the highway: “Read If You Have Road Rage Disease”

    “If road rage is causing you dread,
    Calm down, or you may end up dead.
    Try to practice control.
    You must keep yourself whole.
    There are much better drivers ahead”

  110. Dave Johnson says:

    (a revision of my post above)

    He thought that they should, though she wouldn’t;
    Her feeling was “could, but we shouldn’t.”
    Their evening spent,
    She began to relent;
    And told him they would…then he couldn’t.

  111. Lisi Nortman says:

    A visit to the oncologist: “Help! I Have No Self Control: What To Do?”

    “I see, Mr. Jones, you are choking.
    And soon Sir, you sure will be croaking.
    You must quit, you’ll get cancer!
    And that is my answer.
    For more information, keep smoking”.

  112. Dane Paulsen says:

    In restaurants I often dread
    When they bring out homemade bread.
    I finish each crumb,
    The meal will then come.
    I then stuff myself, enough said.

  113. Lisi Nortman says:

    No Self Control

    “Bad news, dear, you’ll be all alone.
    Stay strong, do not whimper or moan.
    I must leave you today.
    You just get in the way.
    And I must spend more time with my phone”

  114. Terry Marter says:

    At a naked pool party in Fleet
    Jock was keen and jumped in with both feet.
    Then woke up to find
    It was all in his mind, –
    Except for his warm and wet sheet.

  115. Dave Johnson says:

    To Tim, Lisi and Mad:

    I lay out some pieces of bread;
    They fly in, right over my head.
    Then squabble and fight;
    If this keeps up I might
    Subject them to Snickers instead.

    From Mad:
    Sounds like just deserts to me.

  116. On Monday beginning food log,
    Until then be gorging like hog.
    Or next month I could seek,
    This road to look sleek.
    Forget that, next year, I’ll just jog.

    … or start the year after that or . . .

  117. Terry Marter says:

    Let’s be Frank, – they love sex, – they’re not wed!
    No control and no need for a bed.
    Their best fun so far
    Was the sex in the car
    And the quick stand-up shag in the shed.

  118. Terry Marter says:

    A psychiatrist (with sexy young moll)
    Was struck-off after losing control.
    He said “You’re so kind
    To let Me probe your mind
    With my dick, – it’s research, on the (w)hole.”

  119. Terry Marter says:

    The seagulls all perched on the shed
    Set for dive-bombing many a head.
    Then Jonathan said
    “See that woman in red?
    Don’t crap on Her, – she’s got the Bread”

  120. Rudy Landesman says:


    Marie Antoinette, when she fled,
    Having omens of doom rightly read,
    Was stopped on her way
    By a plea: “S’il vous plaît.
    Some cake! We won’t settle for bread.”

  121. Dane Paulsen says:

    Love between slices of bread.
    Becoming toast is what they most dread.
    With nothing to lose,
    I think they would choose,
    To grow mold together instead.

  122. Hospitality ranks with this guy.
    Ascertaining that’s easy, here’s why.
    The room that he spread,
    With some serious bread.
    Is bathroom with rolls of three ply.

    Can you spare a square?

  123. Tony Holmes says:

    A neccesary revision.

    From day one, I was told, by my wife,
    To provide – twice a day – staff of life.
    Like a fool, I said, “Bread?”
    “Don’t be silly!” she said.
    “I refer to avoidance of strife.”

  124. Tony Holmes says:

    That should have been necessary, of course.

  125. She danced to stay out of the red.
    Sold canapes, kept all fed.
    A stay-at-home mom,
    Lived life with aplomb.
    Both sidelines, she hustled for bread.

  126. Steve Benko says:

    In my dreams, I warn Mary and Fred
    That they never, no never, must wed.
    “Mr. Trump, please!” I beg,
    “Keep your sperm from her egg!”
    For just look at the spawn that they bred.

  127. Tony Holmes says:

    It’s supposedly very ill-bred
    If you fondle your manhood in bed.
    It’s far better, they say,
    Even if you must pay,
    To have someone else do it instead.

  128. Lisi Nortman says:

    For Valentine’s day, I got candy.
    That heart-shaped box really looks dandy.
    Didn’t eat ev’ry piece.
    I sure knew when to cease.
    One left, cuz it might come in handy.

  129. Lisi Nortman says:


    For Valentine’s Day, I got candy.
    That heart-shaped box really looked dandy.
    Didn’t eat ev’ry piece.
    I sure knew when to cease.
    One left, cuz it might come in handy.

  130. Terry Marter says:

    Come with Me to the bakery shed
    We can get all our gear off (she said).
    There’s a huge tub of dough
    We’ll make love in, – I’ll show
    You my love, that I’m So good in Bread.

  131. Lisi Nortman says:

    Self Control

    Dear Lim’riks, you make me perspire.
    Don’t care, cuz it’s you I desire.
    From now on, my technique
    To prove I’m not weak:
    I’ll stop when my house is on fire.

  132. Steve Benko says:

    Said the priest, “You must use self-control;
    In the Church, that’s how altar boys roll.
    Keep a stiff upper lip
    While my pants I unzip;
    Three Hail Mary’s will then save your soul.”

  133. Rudy Landesman says:

    To Tim, Lisi, Mad, and Dave

    When I was a boy wearing nickers,
    My favorite candy was “Snickers”.
    I still get the jones
    Right down to my bones.
    I control them imbibing sweet liquors.

  134. Dane Paulsen says:

    Crumbs with Self Control

    What’s left of the loaf is obscured.
    Bread crumbs tossed out for a bird.
    The crumbs from this bread
    Lay still, they play dead.
    To move calls attention I’ve heard.

  135. Was raised where the folks not well-bred.
    And Wonder the bread we were fed.
    Liked to roll and make small,
    A miniscule ball.
    Find more fiber, less air, you’re ahead.

  136. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our first date, Oh! he just stole my heart!
    He was handsome, and charming and smart.
    I had such great control,
    And achieved my main goal:
    All evening, I held in a fart.

  137. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Miracle of 1928

    Poor Granny was bangin’ her head.
    In the 20’s, her fingers just bled.
    She screamed, “I can’t take it.
    Or Lord, will you make it?”
    Out of no where appeared sliced white bread.

  138. Lisi Nortman says:


    The Miracle of 1928

    Poor Granny was bangin’ her head.
    In the 20’s, her fingers just bled.
    She cried, “I can’t take it
    Or Lord will you make it?”
    And “Wondrously” flew in sliced bread.

  139. The boy loves peeing, he’s three.
    Everyplace squirting so free.
    There’s no longer control,
    All the mess took a toll.
    A litter box option? We’ll see.

  140. There once was a man who broke bread
    with enemies who wished him dead.
    Though his family was pained,
    diplomacy reigned
    till they came to stab him in his bed.

  141. Soon Texas will have the way led
    protecting the lives of inbred,
    crying pro-life
    to a man’s sister and wife
    so long as they’re white and they’re wed.

  142. We’re sick, and my friend at front stoop,
    Brought barley and vegetable soup.
    Was delicious with bread,
    And congestion from head,
    Cleared, and then helped us to poop.

  143. The boy loves shooting his pee.
    Hits all but toilet with glee.
    There’s no longer control,
    All the mess took a toll.
    A litter box option? Agree!

    Poop, pee, bathrooms and toilet paper. A little worried Mad. I think I’m turning into an 8 year old boy.

  144. The greatest invention, it’s said
    Was creating already sliced bread
    But I would submit
    It won’t matter one bit
    If there’s no PB&J to be spread.

  145. Lisi Nortman says:

    My “bakery” jokes never fail
    To cause chuckles; herein they entail:
    Lots of puns about bread,
    Which always have led
    To laughter; they never get stale.

  146. Terry Marter says:

    To eat and live well is my goal,
    and not Flip when I need self control.
    But pancake sweet batter?
    – A whole other matter:
    A Toss-up to lick-out that bowl.

  147. Jean McEwen says:

    I regret that this has to be said,
    But I think you’re a tad over-fed.
    Though I hate to be blunt,
    I’m compelled to confront
    You. It’s high time you laid off the bread!

  148. Jean McEwen says:

    Alas, I’m afraid I am lacking
    Control, ‘cause when I hear ducks quacking,
    My first thought’s “Confit!
    Save the best slice for me!”
    With lips smacking, I then commence whacking.

  149. Dane Paulsen says:

    Will we survive some would mutter.
    No worries the upper crust utter.
    So said the bread
    With the most bread,
    For tomorrow it will be much butter.

  150. Rudy Landesman says:

    My friend, a control freak is he,
    Who always corrects me with glee.
    He simply won’t quit.
    Self control? Not a bit.
    Whenever I see him I flee.

  151. Bob Turvey says:

    Let’s consider some uses of bread.
    You can use it to poultice your head.
    Croque monsieur’s finger-lickin’ –
    If you fancy roast chicken;
    Bread-crumb stuffing mops up juices shed.

  152. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    At the bakery, Crumb Bros & Sons,
    Female bakers were treated like nuns.
    “All the brothers,” gals said,
    “When they’re testing our bread,
    Make a habit of squeezing our buns.”

  153. Looks like Captain T. Kirk has a place,
    Well William, the actor, in this case.
    Some sizable bread,
    That Shatner has spread.
    He’s prospered now conquering space.

    William Shatner really has ” lived long (90) and prospered.” Safe travels.

  154. Whoops L2

    Looks like Captain T. Kirk has a place,
    Well Shatner, the man, in this case.
    Some serious bread,
    That William has spread.
    He’s prospered, now conquering space.

  155. You know “Bean Me Up” popular phrase.
    That Kirk would repeatedly raised.
    Now his spending his bread,
    And in spirit he’ll tread.
    with Spock by his side on this phase.

  156. whoops L3

    You know “Beam Me Up” popular phrase.
    That Kirk would repeatedly raise.
    Now he’s spending his bread,
    And in spirit, he’ll tread.
    With Spock by his side on this phase.

  157. Lisi Nortman says:

    “I’ve control, and I always assert
    With poker, I’m highly alert.
    It’s because of my vow,
    Just look at me now:
    I’m so proud that I still have my shirt”

  158. Lisi Nortman says:

    Roulette: Self Control?

    Wow! this time, I’m sure gonna win.
    On my face, there’s a real joyful grin.
    I’ve still got a nickel,
    So I’m not in a pickle.
    I’m back for that one lucky spin.

  159. David Friedman says:

    The masses were massed in the yards
    And blocking the French boulevards.
    Said Marie, “Give them bread
    Or hotdogs instead,
    But make sure that you’ve mustard the guards.”

  160. David Friedman says:

    A little yeast fungus named Jed,
    Explaining his witlessness said,
    “It seems that my mother
    Made me with her brother,
    And so, don’t you see, I’m in bread.”

  161. Lisi Nortman says:

    Ain’t got no self control:

    My uncle was not very clever.
    He’d bet lots of money wherever
    He went; lost his house.
    Fine’ly asked his sweet spouse:
    “Would you like to go camping forever?”

  162. Lisi Nortman says:

    No Self Control: “The Mall”

    I’m leaving to join all the “herds”.
    Staying home, (well, it’s just for the birds)
    I sure love to shop,
    But I can’t seem to stop.
    So, “Bye, sweetie, any last words?”

  163. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Hubby” went on a trip; you’re alone.
    The kitchen is now all your own.
    You say “just one more”
    Next morning the floor
    Looks just like a goddam war zone.

  164. My final word:

    Now “Beam me up, Bezos” the phrase,
    And Shatner’s entrusting this phase.
    He spent all this bread,
    To the heavens he’ll tread.
    Says Spock, “It’s illogical craze.”

  165. Rudy Landesman says:

    “Controlling yourself’s a big bore.”
    Said my wife, and she said even more.
    She may be my wife,
    The love of my life,
    Tis a pity that she is a whore.*

    * Tis Pity She’s a Whore is a tragedy written by John Ford (1626), but you knew that.

  166. Rudy Landesman says:

    Every morning I get out of bed
    Feeling great, and when’s all done and said,
    What’s my dear staff of life?
    No, it isn’t my wife!
    It’s a slice of some freshly baked bread.

  167. Tim James says:

    She employed him to help her make bread,
    But his nature she badly misread.
    She found out that the oaf
    Would consistently loaf.
    “I’ve no knead for this goof-off,” she said.

  168. Consumed by this terrible greed,
    And compulsion to eat and to knead.
    I combined, and made bread,
    Then sold it, and spread.
    Both body and profit, should heed.

  169. Dave Johnson says:

    (From the sports page)

    Coach claims he was trying to vent
    When all his bad emails were sent.
    The N.F.L. said
    “We don’t like what we’ve read;
    Your cache won’t be paying the rent”.

  170. Lisi Nortman says:

    Online Shopping: no self control

    Said my sneaky, (yet lovable spouse)
    “Couldn’t help it, I ordered one blouse”.
    “Oh really?” said I
    So tell me just why:
    Ev’ry day there’s a box in the house?”

  171. Lisi Nortman says:

    Hoarding: no self control “John Is Fed-Up”

    “My sweet darling, there sure is a bunch
    Of crap here, I’ve got a good hunch
    That your hoarding’s severe.
    And why’s that thing here?”
    “That goat? Oh, he just wanted lunch”.

  172. Terry Marter says:

    From the moment they met he just knew.
    He had told her “There’s no one like You.”
    She was “one of a kind”
    But that soon slipped his mind
    When her Twin came around for a Screw.

  173. Terry Marter says:

    She Should have been making the bread
    But was kneading her boss who dropped dead
    So she used his erection
    With utter perfection
    To put Holes in the doughnuts instead.

  174. Doc says, “You aren’t eating what’s right.
    The weight has ballooned out of sight.”
    “The solution,” I hissed,
    As my eyes start to mist.
    “I’ll work on increasing my height.”

  175. Lisi Nortman says:

    My Sweetie Pie? I’ll never diss’em.
    Why would I? I sure love to kiss’em.
    But he said if I shop
    To excess, he will drop
    Me, that’s so sad, cuz I’ll miss’em.

  176. Rudy Landesman says:

    Hey Mad,
    This may not be a winner, but it will win a place in your heart.

    Ms. Mad does approve the risqué,
    And word play with puns make her gay.
    She loves what is droll
    And can even control
    Her yawns, when the dull comes her way.

  177. Gennadiy Gurariy says:

    The carbs that are lurking in bread
    admittedly fill me with dread.
    I once tried to veto
    the strictures of keto
    but ended up breaking the bed.

  178. Gennadiy Gurariy says:

    If life is indeed like a box
    full of chocolate, it ought to have locks
    or I know what I’ll get-
    upset stomach, regret,
    chocolate stains and intestinal blocks.

  179. L1

    Doc says, “Not eating what’s right.
    The weight has ballooned out of sight.”
    “The solution,” I hissed,
    As my eyes start to mist.
    “I’ll work on increasing my height.”

  180. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mom has lost control

    Mom sold dresses and lovely hats too.
    Her non-stop obsession just grew.
    One night in her bed,
    Was an ant, and she said,
    “Perhaps he’d like something in blue”.

  181. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m Getting Worse

    My OCD’s out of control.
    And therefore, my primary goal
    Is to end this behavior.
    (I prayed to my savior).
    Thus, I’m better now, hole hole hole hole.

  182. Lisi Nortman says:

    minor change L4 from Oct. 13th 1:38 PM
    “Hoarding, No Control” (John is fed-up)

    “My sweet darling, there sure is a bunch
    Of crap here, I’ve got a good hunch
    That your hoarding’s severe.
    And what have we here?”
    “That goat? Oh, he just wanted lunch”.

  183. I make a good chunk of the bread,
    My cheeky tomato’s well-fed.
    Lots of bacon was spent.
    But “lettuce” not vent.
    And fix us a sandwich instead.

  184. Dave Johnson says:

    Regarding the subject of bread,
    There’s not that much more to be said.
    Its makeup, the taste,
    What it does to our waist;
    Let’s fill in tortillas instead.

  185. She says, ” Hon, need more packets if yeast.”
    He says, “Stop you’re a beast, slow at least.
    This baking of bread,
    My health, look ahead”
    Too late, his poor heart, it has ceased.

  186. sequel

    I am Blythe, was the wife, to dear Fred.
    He’s gone from the baking of bread.
    Will slim down my waist,
    Don’t want to be placed.
    Too quickly with Fred and be dead.

  187. madkane says:

    The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.

  188. Lisi Nortman says:

    Yes, there is a “Dance pop” (self control)

    My husband came home and was wiggling.
    And not only that, he was wriggling.
    He heard some Dance pop.
    So he popped, couldn’t stop.
    But now I can’t sleep, due to jiggling.

  189. Lisi Nortman says:

    Another Version (self control)

    My husband came home and was wiggling.
    Real quickly, I then started giggling.
    Seems he heard some Dance-pop.
    Then he popped, couldn’t stop.
    My sleep’s now disturbed from his jiggling.

    (I just came across some “pop dancing” on you tube, and couldn’t
    resist writing a popping limerick) :)

  190. Terry Marter says:

    He loves engineering exotic
    and quirky new “friends”, – all robotic.
    One just Made my mind boggle:
    A large Self-controlled toggle
    switch, Flipping from Flop to Erotic.

  191. It’s progressively coming to light.
    This marriage to Dwight is not right.
    He’s extremely well-bred,
    But as far as his head,
    It hovers two feet passed my height.

  192. grammar error L5

    It’s progressively coming to light.
    This marriage to Dwight is not right.
    He’s extremely well-bred.
    But as far as his head,
    It hovers two feet past my height.

  193. Terry Marter says:

    Replaces oct 15. 5.25pm (line 4)

    He loves engineering exotic
    and quirky new “friends”, – all robotic.
    One just Made my mind boggle:
    Its large Self-controlled toggle
    switch, Flipping from Flop to Erotic.

  194. Lisi Nortman says:

    Correction from 3:49 PM today “Self Control”

    My husband came home and was wiggling.
    Real quickly, I then started giggling.
    He had popped to “Dance-pop”
    But then couldn’t stop.
    My sleep’s been disturbed from his jiggling.

    *”Dance pop” is the music.
    “Popping” is the dance.

  195. Tony Holmes says:

    Self-control is a terrible chore,
    In addition to being a bore.
    I’m devoted to vice
    Which, I know, is not nice,
    But bro’s saintly which evens the score.

  196. Tony Holmes says:

    Self-control sets a limit, I find,
    Which demands I be temp’rate and kind.
    Well, no more! I refuse
    To ignore or excuse,
    Or pretend that I really don’t mind.

  197. Tony Holmes says:

    Self-control sets a limit, I find,
    Which demands I be temp’rate and kind.
    Well, no more! I refuse
    To ignore or excuse,
    Or pretend that I really don’t mind.

    From now on I shall scold and rebuke.
    In some cases, I may even duke.
    I am done with restraint,
    So, withhold your complaint.
    If you get on my tits, I may nuke.

  198. Bob Turvey says:

    Quoth Jesus, “When we are all dead,
    A BOOK will record what I said.
    And how thousands got food
    When all of us chewed
    On two fishes and five loaves of bread!”

  199. Mark Totterdell says:

    The 4th Earl of Sandwich, it’s said,
    Was the first to eat beef between bread.
    Though it’s hard to see how,
    He consumed a whole cow
    In a loaf, and so now he is dead.

  200. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    When I growled at a walrus nearby,
    “Hey, those ice picks could put out an eye!”
    The old sharp pinniped —
    On the surface well-bred —
    Used “tsk tsk” as his only reply.

  201. Tony Holmes says:

    I’m constrained by good manners to smile,
    Even though I regard you as vile.
    Only iron self-control
    Prevents roasting you whole.
    That may change once I’ve gone one more mile.

  202. Tony Holmes says:

    “It is only because I’m well-bred
    That I don’t hit you over the head.
    With your loathsome visage,
    On which scorn is writ large,
    You’re begriming my vision,” I said.

    “Ooh! I bet he was livid.” “He was.
    I could tell by his quivering schnozz.’
    “Did he make a riposte?”
    “Oh, he did – to his cost.
    His tirade got him fired by the boss.”

  203. Tony Holmes says:

    I know ‘boss’ is pushing it, but there are hardly any rhymes for ‘was’. Schnozz was sheer luck.

  204. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Joan was raised to be pure, without taint,
    And was praised for demure self-restraint.
    So she took it quite hard
    When she found out Bernard,
    Their old dog, was the family Saint.

  205. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 480. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Dock.