Woebegone Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A man was recounting his woes…*
or
A gal was recounting her woes…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Woebegone Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man was recounting his woes,
Causing those all around him to doze.
The guy was a whiner
With problems quite minor,
Though his bitching was building him foes.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Behavior Humor, Complaining, Complaint Humor, Limerick Contest, Personality Verse, Poetry & Prompts, Whiners, Woes, Writing Prompts
A man was recounting his woes
‘cuz his bank was about to foreclose.
Compelled, (and I quote)
them to “Produce the note”
Now he lives there for free, I suppose.
~~~~~~~
A gal was recounting her woes.
The trouble she’d seen, no one knows.
She had terrible gas.
But thought, this too shall pass.
Now the problem is all in her nose.
~~~~~~~
A man was recounting his woes.
Went ice fishing and foolishly froze.
His doctor was right,
said, “A case of frostbite”,
and now he’s recounting his toes.
A man was recounting his woes
using all his fingers and toes
He soon lost track
And had to go back
He’d forgotten he could use his nose!
A man was recounting his woes
The list of his STD’s grows
Still he bears all the shame
Seems unsporting to blame
His wife and her truckload of beaux!
now what about a NYC subway limerick…? just a suggestion…smiles
a man recounting his woes
knocks his head now that he know
she lives in Queens
where he’s just been
maybe next time when he goes
ha
A man was recounting his woes –
Gets ten every time his count goes,
For each drinking bout
Gives him terrible gout
Attacking each one of his toes!
A man was recounting his woes –
Deposit, he had, adipose –
Said, ‘Every confection
Goes in the direction
Of waist, where as blubber it shows!’
A man was recounting his woes,
And stated, ‘I really suppose
When I married my wife,
Who’s the bane of my life,
I chose all the woes which arose!’
*petulant stamp of foot* I see Michael Grove also put a double meaning on ‘recount’. Excuse me while I go off and sulk.
A man was recounting his woes
You can pretty much guess how this goes
“I’m making my list,
“Then I’ll go and get pissed,
“If you need me, I’ll be down at Moe’s!”
A man was recounting his woes
Luck’s out on him and he knows
Try as he might
He’s a bit tight
The silver lining in the shadows
Hank
A gal was recounting her woes
(Too many as ev’ryone knows).
“I’ve got so many wrongs
I should write them in songs.
Isn’t that how a country tune goes?”
A man was recounting his woes
After leaving his gal in the throes.
“If I’d known,” he did sob,
“She was part of the mob,
I’d still have ten fingers and toes.”
A farmer was counting his woes;
His distress he was keen to compose.
As he tried to get back
He was told by a quack,
“Sir, your ducks are no longer in rows.”
A man was counting his woes
With his feet, using his toes
He only had ten
But thought then again
When it comes to woes, that’s as far as it goes.
A nude was recounting his woes
of failure when touching his toes.
He’s a ravenous dude,
When it comes to all food,
Maybe that’s why he can’t fit his clothes?
A man was recounting his woes
Of wooing a girl for her blows.
She’d warm to the act,
Stroke his member in fact.
The problem? He just couldn’t close.
A gal was recounting her woes
Using all of her fingers and toes
When she got to twice ten
She started over again
Perhaps she’s still counting– who knows?
A man was recounting his woes
His faults from his head to his toes
His hair falling out
His perpetual pout
The reason for which this just shows.
A man was recounting his woes
(The main one only “barely” shows)
When with partner in the act
He can’t make it react
It’s only when alone that it grows.
A gal was recounting her woes
Of each day–how badly it goes.
You’d think she would see
It wasn’t just she
Who had problems! Heaven knows!
A man was recounting his woes
which was largely re: words he’d transpose,
such as: “Our shoving leopard,”
in a speech, he once peppered.
Then he blushed and said, “That’s gow it hoes.”
A man was recounting his woes
at his quiz which said, *Name 5 Pharaohs.*
“Well, there’s Cleo, Tut, Ker,
and, I think Robespierre.
Now just one more…oh crap! My mind froze.”
A man, while recounting his woes,
Decided his life really blows.
So he made a new list
And this is the gist:
“Ways to Die.” The list grows and grows.
A man was recounting his woes,
of his search for pistachios.
Told one vendor guy,
“Your nuts are so high,
your dick should be next to your nose.”
A gal is recounting her woes
As she lists the collectors she owes.
After bill number ten
She gets lost once again
So she counts all the rest on her toes.
A man was recounting his woes
As he wolfed tuna and spaghetti-o’s
He cried tears in his beers
And now what he fears
Is indigestion like nobody knows!
A man was recounting his woes
When a bystander bloodied his nose…
So folks, if your grumble
Involves your last tumble,
Nix names or it might come to blows.
A man was recounting his woes
When he sneezed and it blew off his nose.
As it fell with a CLANG,
He looked down and said, “Dang,
Well that’s just one more thing, I suppose.”
A man was recounting his woes
As pushing his mower, he mows
Then he tripped on a root
And ran over his boot
So now he’s recounting his toes
A man was recounting his woes
to the bartender who served him at Joe’s
It seems his last date
Was not just jail bait
But reveled in painting his toes
A man was recounting his woes
A ligament tear hurt his throws
If all was the same
As when I still had game
I surely would have made the pros.
A man, while recounting his woes,
Went all “out” when he got to his toes:
“A bunion AND blista!
I’m tellin’ you, sista,
That’s murder on good fishnet hose.”
A man was recounting his woes
Couldn’t find the right tool at Lowe’s
He needed a hammer
but due to his stammer
the clerk sent him to a deli – Joe’s.
(ham-ham-ham-ham)
A gal was recounting her woes
Her dates all turned out to be schmoes
One pulled it out
And wiggled about
Where they come from, Lord, who knows?
A man was recounting his woes
in limericks he would compose
He was such a cheater
With no flair for meter
So he just said “screw it, they’re prose”
A man was recounting his woes
One his fingers and his toes.
The smell was unreal,
The paint began to peal
And so he was washed down with a hose
A man was recounting his woes
“I had to be born with this nose!
It is not only big
And more fit for a pig –
It’s like a foghorn when it blows!”
A gal was recounting her woes
As she dressed in her old running clothes,
“Now my races are short
I am sad to report
But there IS a long run in my hose!”
A woman, recounted her woes,
Loving to sing, but sounding like crows.
She’d auditioned and sought teachers,
Sang the anthem from the bleachers,
Even the church choir bounced her back several rows!
But now she’s outstanding in her field
Where previous venues refused to yield
As a hog caller she’s tops
Covers the nation on non-stops
Flying high on her voice, all hurt healed.
A man was recounting his woes,
As he guzzled expensive Bordeaux:
“On my capital gains,
Taxes caused me such pains,
That this year I can’t buy more van Goghs.”
A man was recounting his woes,
The fact that he stupidly chose,
To pocket his phone
Although he’d known
It loves the cops like a brown nose.
He had noticed a few butt dials
But didn’t fear criminal trials
‘Til he heard ding-dong
And before too long
Came to face the police men’s smug smiles.
Visit my post to find the link to the news article that inspired my rhyme. :)
from Patience:
A woman, recounting her woes,
Overdid it a bit, I suppose,
“A mouse ate my cat
and my husband’s a rat,
and my tummy’s obscuring my toes”
and the Prodigal:
A man was recounting his woes
“I’m living in hand-me-down clothes,
my shoes have no soles,
my socks’ full of holes,
And my sister is Second hand Rose”
So this model recounted his woes
His career had just come to a close
He had stolen (that crook!)
Someone’s signature look
And got busted for nicking his pose.
Bambi told Thumper his woes
When he found out his sisters were ho’s.
“They confirm they’re not queer
When the bucks all stop here –
They’ll do dese, but they will not do does.”
A man was recounting his woes
in heart-rending, sorrowful prose.
But his friends didn’t care,
didn’t want him to share,
and told him, “That’s just how it goes.”
Some great limericks here :)
A man was recounting his woes,
Oddly amidst passion’s throes,
Which threw off his lover,
A hot piping plover,
Who flew off as far as anyone knows.
A man was recounting his woes
using all ten fingers and toes,
when the dog grabbed a sock
and he jumped off the dock –
he swore in polyphonic prose!
His gal was recounting his woes
from no food to self-walking clothes.
He said, “Wash my clothes now”.
She said, “No way, no how”.
She left before he could propose.
A man was recounting his woes
But unlike most Average Joes
He had all his hair
and money to spare
Self-pity? It comes and it goes
The Queen was recounting her woes;
“One’s 23rd time in Tussaud’s!
And each time they’ve sculpted
More wrinkles!” she gulped, “It
Quite makes one reluctant to pose.”
A man was recounting his woes
on a bench, when he suddenly froze
Now this wasn’t nice
His balls were like ice
And so were his fingers and toes
A man was recounting his woes
When a bumble bee lit on his nose
He reached up to swat it
But he never got it
So his nose sorta glows like a rose
A fellow was counting his woes:
He used all his fingers and toes,
Then gave a big sniff
Exactly as if
He could tally more woes with his nose.
OK, this is my first contribution here, though I’ve visited many times and never had the courage to try. Hope it fits the form and the mood :-)
***
A gal was recounting her woes
Among which a visit from ghosts
Upon hearing that
They popped out of the hat
So, mind where you stick in your nose!
***
A man was recounting his woes,
To 12 geishas in bright kimonos,
You’ve a lot on your hands
with all of those fans
So I’ll have to dip out I suppose.
Riffing off Michelle Hed’s limerick–
A man was recounting his woes
using all of his fingers and toes.
When a dog bit his widget—
removing the digit—
he said, “Twenty’s enough, I suppose.”
A man was recounting his woes:
“I have two left feet, Heaven knows.
My tootsies don’t twinkle;
I waltz like Bullwinkle.
I can’t even count on my toes.”
A gal was recounting her woes
As she UNfriended both friends and foes.
“I have heard something new
That might even be true?
We could speak face to face? No one knows!”
A man was recounting his woes
regarding the girth of his hose.
“My gauge is so slender,
hard use is too tender.
I love Honey Nut Cheerios.”
That’s exactly right! The focus becomes the locus.
A man was recounting his woes
About how slow his garden grows
With nature his is not in tune
And had planted it too soon
And watches it die as it snows
Tim
Thanks to the NaPoWriMo blog for the inspiration for this – they had a photo prompt today, one of which was of a snail.
A snail was recounting his woes:
“The gardeners try to dispose
of my body with salt –
being here’s not my fault –
and my best friends are now escargots!”
A gal is recounting her woes
To a couple of women she knows
I know I am classy
In fact very arsey
And you’re just two jealous old hoes.
A gal was recounting her woes:
“The singles bar scene really blows!
It is quite alarming
when you look for Prince Charming,
but find Curlys, Larrys, and Moes!”
A gal was recounting her woes,
a fancy rhyme she tried to compose.
The pen wouldn’t move,
A fact that could prove
She ought to be writing in prose.
***
A man was recounting his woes
As he sat on the street with no clothes.
His girlie was livid
the foreplay too vivid:
A vulgar man reaps what he sows!
A man all his woes was recountin’
And he sputtered like he was a fountain
Our discomfort his pleasure
As his minors turned major
And his molehills transformed into mountains
A man was recounting his woes
About how he couldn’t count all his toes
His little piggies has gone,
Except just for one,
Off to town to pick up some sows
I think I know that guy!
Ha ha ha- very good- and yeah- I know this guy- needs to shut the hell up!
A man was recounting his woes
As he walked through the town with no clothes
Not a thing to his name
Just because of a game
So the tale of the gambler goes
A woman, recounting her woes,
Mid-tirade stopped griping and froze.
The naked surprise
In the poor mailman’s eyes
Said it all: dressing down requires clothes.
A man was recounting his woes
But discovered he hadn’t enough toes.
His fingers joined the count
As his woes began to mount
From courting ten women trouble flows.
A gal was recounting her woes
She invested in stock that soon froze
Ii soared with the bubble
Then crumbled to rubble
So that’s how the market wind blows.
A man was recounting his woes
To a barmaid with runs in her hose
She said, honey, I’ve heard all the tales
And listened to so many wails
But still can’t buy clothes for my toes.
A gal was recounting her woes
With her neighbours, she’d now come to blows
Their dogs bark, made her weird
Now they’ve ALL disappeared
Where she’s buried those bones, no one knows.
A man was recounting his woes
Of nights with Colombian hoes:
“In old Cartagena,
The hookers are plainer
Than agents were led to suppose.”
A stripper recounting her woes
For not getting too many throws
She went over to France
And took off her pants
And there she got plenty of goes.
A gal was recounting her woes
so pregnant she can’t see her toes
but she knows they are under
her tummy rotunder
so swollen when she walks they glows.
A man was recounting his woes,
Continually stoning the crows
But nobody heard
His comments absurd
As a crow dropped a turd on his toes.
A gal was recounting her woes
By the light shed by candle that glows
” ‘Cause try as I might
‘Lectric lights just won’t light.
Shoulda paid that last bill, I suppose!”
Michael Jackson made note of his woes
That his parents were black and it shows
“But thanks to my surgeon
The white me’s emergin’
So excuse me while I pick my nose.”
too many toes, had to start over!
A lass was recounting her woes
Telling whom, nobody knows
Her boyfriend she caught
But shares the same plot
So she reaps, from whence she sows
A man was recounting his woes
To a naughty young girlie called Rose
“I tell you my dear”
As he cried in his beer
“When I’m with you I’m touching my toes.”
Poor lass laid, recounting her woes-
With lover in midst of his throes
of passion! Thanks be, she’d find,
that Lashing that bare behind
Regained her pow’r: Oh- so many ohs!
A gal is recounting her woes.
She aches from her head to her toes.
She’s taking her meds,
But the flu’s still ahead.
She’s behind by a (very red) nose.
A gal was recounting her woes
“I can never decide about clothes!
Is it long? Is it short?
Is it formal or sport?
Do I really want these and not those?”
A stripper recounting her woes
Was unhappy removing her clothes:
“Whenever I’m nude
My nipples protrude
And milk from those nukis just flows.”
A man was recounting his woes.
“I have practical ways to propose
To end poverty, war,
Make the rich help the poor…
I’m the candidate nobody knows.”
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 58.
But don’t worry about missing out — a new Limerick-Off has already begun right here.