Limerick Pair (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow who needed a pair…*

or

A woman was eating a pear…*

or

A fellow was feeling despair…*

or

A fellow was trying to pare…*

or

A woman was buying a pair…*

or

A fellow who tried to repair…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Pair
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman who needed a pair
Of sandals was walking on air:
She’d found comfy ones — cheap!
But then thought she might weep:
Someone snared the last pair by a hair.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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109 Responses to “Limerick Pair (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Ailsa McKillop says:

    A fellow was feeling despair
    Chose his numbers with greatest of care
    For the Lottery draw
    Saying: “Lord, I’m so poor—
    Please make me a millionaire!”

  2. Ailsa McKillop says:

    A fellow in trying to pare
    His paperwork caused a great scare
    He built a huge pyre
    In the yard, soon afire!
    For this sort of thing, he’d a flare …

  3. Ailsa McKillop says:

    A woman was buying a pair
    Of (she thought) a rare Sheraton chair
    She was conned. To be savvy at
    The sales, emptor caveat!
    The buyer, in truth, should beware.

  4. Ira Bloom says:

    A fellow who needed a pair,
    (His had shrunk, in his wife’s angry glare!)
    Was resolved to save face,
    And put her in her place,
    In his mind. But out loud? Au contraire.

  5. Ira Bloom says:

    A fellow was eating a pear,
    In a manner he deemed debonair:
    With a lilt to the wrist.
    (He soon had to desist,
    When the whole cell block started to stare.)

  6. Ailsa McKillop says:

    A student was feeling despair
    French Lit made him writhe in his chair
    Asterix (the Gaul)
    Might have held him in thrall
    But not complex works by Voltaire.

  7. Ailsa McKillop says:

    A woman was eating a pear
    Whilst completing her health questionnaire
    She had illness acute
    Which is strange—to this fruit
    Allergic reactions are rare

  8. Ailsa McKillop says:

    Her parents are in deep despair
    The student has much to prepare
    Top grades were predicted!
    But alas, she’s addicted
    To Candy Crush, Angry Birds and Solitaire …

  9. Ailsa McKillop says:

    The CFO was in despair
    Despite all his skill brought to bear
    However he’d sum it
    Their profits? A plummet!
    And slashed were the earnings per share

  10. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    A fellow who’d tried to repair
    His publicly worn underwear
    Muttered, “How people stare!
    It must be my fine pair…
    Of shoes, ‘cuz my a** isn’t bare!”

    {Hi, Mad :) }

  11. Bob Kennedy says:

    A fellow who had a brass pair
    Of testicles started to swear:
    “It’s real damn annoying,
    The heft they’re employing!
    Must they clang when I walk around bare?”

  12. Ailsa McKillop says:

    His PR team’s in flat despair
    He won’t take a brush to his hair
    He’s influenced by Horace
    The eccentric, blond Boris!
    Our next PM? Now London’s Mayor.

  13. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    Will the South Rise Again?

    A fellow was feeling despair
    Over losing his last strands of hair
    But declined a toupee
    (At least during the day).
    After dark, he tried varied headwear

    Including hat, scarf, and bandanna.
    One night, murmured *She*, “I’m a fan a’
    The usage of Nair:
    My, you have a nahs pair
    Of ears!…but down there, are you tann-uh?”

    [Her name explained much: sweet Savannah,
    A somewhat naive urban plann-uh.]
    “Would you like to find out?
    I live just down the route!”
    …They explored in a southernly mann-uh.

  14. Chris Papa says:

    A fellow tried feeling a pair
    Of breasts, on another guy’s dare,
    The lady in question,
    Balked, with suggestion,
    “Of my hubby, you’d best beware!”

  15. rbasler says:

    A woman who had quite a pair
    Also boasted a nice derrière
    She enjoyed strong libations
    And had low expectations….
    The answer to every guy’s prayer!

  16. Mark Kane says:

    He lustily craves his au pair.
    The question, will “Wife even care?”
    Why, those two are cozy,
    And often quite rosy.
    He asks her, she answers, “Let’s share!”

  17. Judith H. Block says:

    A woman was eating a pear
    It’s organic she’s always aware.
    It cannot be sprayed,
    GMOs she forbade,
    For toxins are now everywhere.

  18. Laurie Macdonald Baker says:

    A fellow set out to repair
    His shabby overstuffed chair
    He stretched the fabric taut
    Then cried out “Great Scott”
    It no longer looks worse for the wear!

  19. Nessa says:

    a man was paring a pear
    at the local county fair
    he lopped off a piece
    that fell into the grease
    and ended as fried country fare

  20. John Sardo says:

    A fellow tried to repair
    The shoe of a champion mare.
    The horse gave a kick
    And the shoe it did stick
    In the fellow’s now sore derriere.

  21. John Sardo says:

    A woman was eating a pear
    In front of a huge polar bear
    The bear was caged in glass,
    Gave a look that said kiss my ass.
    While the gal gave a stare that said “I don’t care.”

  22. John Sardo says:

    A fellow who needed a pair
    Of aces for the pot to snare
    Instead pulled a queen
    And departed the scene
    A loser and broke in despair.

  23. Andy Sewina says:

    Hi Mad, love the way yours rhymes!

  24. Andy Sewina says:

    A fellow who needed a pair
    Of glasses to see up the stair
    Went out of his mind
    And thought he was blind
    When he lost his specs down the chair

  25. Rich D says:

    A woman, so shaped like a pear
    was carrying a cute teddy bear
    Some men were quite crass
    with calls like “nice ass”
    to which she replied, “grow a pair!”

  26. Rich D says:

    A lady with a righteous pair
    travelled first class in the air
    She replied to some schlub
    about the Mile High Club
    “I doubt you could afford the fare”

  27. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A doc in an auto repair
    Had a car that required no care.
    Seems he’d pondered a lot
    On a proverb and thought
    A physician could heal himself there.

  28. Diane Groothuis says:

    A fellow was trying to pare
    Some fruit at the Zoo (for the bear)
    But the bear tried to grapple
    His juicy pine-apple
    Inadvertently fondling his pair

  29. Rich D says:

    A fellow was feeling despair
    about his sweet lady, so fair
    he doffed her brassiere
    and whispered a cheer
    till she said “No way, pal, down there!”

  30. “Oh, come on, said his wife. “Grow a pair!”
    And she gave him a furious glare.
    He stammered, “But Eve –
    (Don’t get mad!) — I believe
    It’s an *apple* you’re handing me there.”

  31. Oh, doom! Sorrow! Gloom and despair!
    Let the world end today — I don’t care;
    For I’m already late
    For a very hot date,
    And I’m fresh out of clean underwear!

  32. Hmm. A limerick ending in “pair”…
    What paired body organs are there?
    There’s *these*…
    …………and there’s *those*…
    And there’s *them*, I suppose…
    Meh. Lips, nostrils or ears. I don’t care.

  33. Craig says:

    When asked why he dated a pair,
    The bowler said “Don’t be a square:
    My sex drive’s too much
    For one girl so, as such,
    I will frequently pick up a spare.”

  34. Sue Dulley says:

    A woman was wearing a pair
    Of trousers that made people stare.
    The way they were cut
    Didn’t flatter her but,
    The legs had that ’70s flare.

  35. Sue Dulley says:

    A woman was trying to pare
    Her closet of cute clothes to wear,
    For since she’s retired
    They won’t be required
    (Unless she begins an affair.)

  36. Sue Dulley says:

    Her torso is shaped like a pear,
    She’s okay with that; doesn’t care!
    If she were the shape
    Of an apple or grape
    Then that would be too much to bare.

  37. Rich D says:

    They make quite a desperate pair
    and now Will has sired an heir
    Chuck and his son in a tiz
    ‘cuz it seems Queen Liz
    has no plans to go anywhere!

  38. Rich D says:

    correction: line 4… “in” should be “it”

    Note from Mad Kane: I fixed it for you.

  39. Rich D says:

    Will and Harry, that brotherly pair
    Have one thing that surely they share
    Their genetic luck
    they descended from Chuck
    so maybe they won’t lose their hair

  40. Sue Dulley says:

    Some body parts come in a pair
    While others, we’ve only one there.
    With buttocks a brace,
    Why only one face?
    Oh and two *something else* would be fair.

  41. Fred Bortz says:

    A quantum mechanical pair
    Entangled, wave function to share.
    “It’s spooky,” said Einstein,
    “For an action in mein Stein
    To appear in your beer over there.”

    Would Albert have suffered despair
    With the Aspect Experiment where
    Distant quanta were tied
    As if side by side?
    I think he’d be pulling his hair.

    He’d call for some physics repair.
    Quantum theory would make him declare,
    “Herr Planck, what you started
    Leaves me broken hearted,
    But my E is still m times c-square.”

  42. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    A woman was buying a pair
    Of shoes that her dear spouse could share;
    You expected high heels,
    Maybe something with wheels?
    Staid blue bedroom slippers: despair.

  43. John Peter Larkin says:

    A fellow was feeling despair.
    He was stuck on a questionnaire.
    But salvation was leaked.
    At the next desk he peeked.
    And now he’s getting somewhere.

  44. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    A fellow who needed a pair
    Of glasses received quite a scare.
    He sought comfort, a broad:
    His search (local) was flawed
    As, chagrined, faced his *wife’s* knowing glare

    Which surprisingly changed to a grin.
    “We had sex in ’05, did me in!
    But time’s passing us by,
    Why not give things a try?
    Let me take you in hand…” [*His wife's twin.]

  45. kaykuala says:

    A woman was eating a pear
    Took pride in her dieting fare
    Took a little
    A few nibbles
    Ended up like a thin old mare

    Hank

  46. Diane Groothuis says:

    A ventriloquist not in despair
    Was asked by a passer-by where
    His voice had projected
    In ways unexpected
    His reply was “I don’t really care”.

  47. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    Gambling on a Gambol

    A woman was eating a pear:
    Randy teens gathered nearby to stare.
    “Didja see all that fruit?
    She’s got cherries to boot!”
    She strolled past with an unconcerned air.

    Her three suitors trekked closely behind;
    She sighed, “I just want to unwind -
    I attract all the nuts!
    But I DO like their butts…
    It’s been weeks since that four of a kind.”

  48. Jon Gearhart says:

    A young botanist would cry in despair
    When his wife said he couldn’t compare
    With past lovers by half.
    When he cried, she would laugh
    And suggest that he should grow a pair!

  49. Kirk Miller says:

    The pilot and co-pilot pair;
    Their relationship’s up in the air.
    Have to keep them apart,
    Or the feuding will start.
    There is just too much turbulence there.

  50. Kirk Miller says:

    “The national budget I’ll pare,”
    Said Dubya, who used lots of flair.
    “It makes lots of sense
    To cut our defense.
    Change the Pentagon into a square!”

  51. Kirk Miller says:

    “My feet are quite large; what a pair!”
    “Size fourteen AA,” he would blare.
    “To find shoes in my size
    Is like winning a prize.
    That’s not a small feat,” he’d declare.

  52. Fred Bortz says:

    The poet just wailed with despair,
    “This Lim’rick-Off game isn’t fair.
    I submitted my verse.
    Every other is worse.
    Yet I’ll lose because to the anonymous judges somehow it just doesn’t compare.”

  53. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    I smiled, Fred: don’t sink to despair -
    Mad’s contest’s still up in the air.
    But what a LONG week!
    (I know of what you speak.)
    At least MadKane judges with flair :^D

  54. Tom Harris says:

    Poor Melanie was in despair
    Of jeans she didn’t like to wear.
    She couldn’t abide
    That they made her look wide.
    “Instead of dis, I’ll wear dat pair.”

  55. Mark Kane says:

    With road rage, you’ll hear: “Grow a pair!”
    Or “Get in my face if you dare!”
    But watch him go silent,
    Turn passive, nonviolent,
    On receiving his wife’s frosty stare.

  56. Fred Bortz says:

    A question for Patrice of the ManyCats:
    Do your felines practice quantum entanglement, and, if so, does Schroedinger observe them during the activity thereby changing the outcome?

    See Quantum Story for an appropriate limerick.

  57. Cyn says:

    A fellow who tried to repair
    A couch that had seen too much wear
    got the job done so wrong
    that he claimed, “All along
    I was planning to make it a chair.”

  58. Kirk Miller says:

    While hiking, an ill-fated pair
    Discover a big grizzly’s lair.
    They have made a mistake,
    ‘Cause the grizzly’s awake.
    And the outcome is too much to bear.

  59. Kirk Miller says:

    His emotion soon turned to despair
    As he matted the photo with care.
    His toupee, it fell off,
    And I hope you won’t scoff
    At the outcome: His own matted hair.

  60. Kirk Miller says:

    “With houseflies I never despair,”
    Announced clever woman named Claire.
    How’d she keep them away?
    “It is simple,” she’d say.
    “The reason? I’ve fly-away hair.”

  61. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    Kirk Miller should never despair,
    Ideas galore from thin air;
    I howled, but refrain
    [It just goes against the grain]
    From hopes he wins for puns SO fair :D

  62. Diane Groothuis says:

    A girl with a very nice pair
    Had a penchant for fine underwear
    Black stockings and lace
    Put a smile on her face
    She could get any guy anywhere.

  63. Diane Groothuis says:

    Celebrating the year of “the pair”
    He travelled the whole globe by air.
    Now the girls in Djibouti
    Weren’t lacking in beauty
    But in France they were simply “trop cheres”.

  64. Bone says:

    A fellow was feeling despair
    About his diminishing hair
    Then he happened into
    A “bald is sexy” chat room
    And now he spends all his time there

  65. A woman was eating a pear
    When somebody asked her to share
    So she shook her head first
    Then dug right in her purse
    And pulled out a huge bottle of Nair.

  66. Jon Gearhart says:

    Search with care if you dare research Cher
    And prepare to see Cher’s pair aired bare
    Because Cher shares her pair
    Anytime anywhere
    Google “Cher’s bare pair”. I swear they’re there.

  67. Ira Bloom says:

    A fellow who had a young pair,
    Of koalas in labor (sans hair),
    Found them wobbly: he would,
    Hold them up, but he could,
    Barely bear to bear bare bears to bear.

  68. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    A woman forebore to despair
    Over her chic pared-down pair.
    It’s great wearing no bra,
    These are genuine: Ha!
    Plus there’s more circulation of air.

  69. Adam was hiding a pair
    Of Aces in his pubic hair;
    When a breeze raised his leaf,
    To which Eve cried, “Good grief!
    “There’s more than your joker down there!”

  70. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    A woman was trying to pair
    Her friends up: success, though, was rare.
    When Aaron left Jill
    For Danielle, jilting Bill,
    The matchmaker questioned the err-

    Or of her technique: specialize?
    To service both genders seemed wise.
    If I only were paid,
    Even by getting laid!
    Perhaps I’ll “reserve” all the guys.

    So she wheedled, cajoled, used persuasion
    Adapted to suit each occasion
    Which did take some doing!
    Supplemented by screwing
    The taxman (a lithe, handsome Asian).

  71. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    A poll worker tried to repair
    Her hair dryer, blowing hot air
    Just like most Repubs
    [Coulter, Limbaugh, ol' Dubs]:
    Replacement is needed – with care.

  72. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    No doubt he was sporting a pair
    Of winners, when you looked down there.
    Eye catching, unbound
    As they dragged on the ground…
    Terrence, tie your shoelaces; I swear!

  73. Diane Groothuis says:

    Now Adam with his hidden pair
    Was a bit of a card toutin’ lair
    Said Eve “If you’re able
    Lay your cards on the table
    And then I’ll be sure you play fair”.

  74. Jon Gearhart says:

    A fellow who was in despair
    From losing most all of his hair
    Got arrested applying
    A cream he was buying
    On his balls at Walmart then and there

  75. Edmund Conti says:

    You’ve heard it before, “Grow a pair”
    But that is a bit doctrinaire.
    And though they are gruesome
    You do have a twosome.
    You don’t need more balls hanging there.

  76. Tim James says:

    A gal had a marvelous pair
    Of breasts, which she flashed without care.
    It’s tempting to mock her;
    Tattooed on one knocker
    Is an “X.” It’s the cross she must bare.

  77. Cyn says:

    A fellow who needed a pair
    to go with eights already there
    was dealt dead-man’s aces
    versus more royal faces
    fit the wild wild West’s wildest star.

  78. Mark Kane says:

    I’m enjoying that old hippie pair,
    How they dance with such passion and flair!
    Dancing right through the night,
    Shocking those too uptight,
    And ignoring the ones who just stare.

  79. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Keep your humour and please don’t despair
    When you start losing your hair
    And some ape with a grin
    Says,”Your hairs getting thin”
    Come back with,”Who wants fat hair?”

  80. Edmund Conti says:

    They say we’re a peach of a pair
    Me and my wife (or who’s there).
    It could be my wife
    But I’ve got a life
    And after all, fair’s only fair.

  81. Diane Groothuis says:

    You sound like a dubious pair
    It smacks of the Musical chair
    This cavalier “life”
    Will lead you to strife
    This prophet of doom doth declare.

  82. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    For parents who try to “repair”
    Their kids’ preferences, beware:
    Handedness, sex,
    May be different or vex -
    But it’s THEIR lives, so give ‘em some air.

    You say you can’t do that? I wonder.
    They run when your temper’s like thunder;
    If candor’s offputting,
    Your mouths should be shutting -
    It’s more than mere parental blunder

    To dictate that they live as you do.
    You act like they’re practicing voodoo!
    They’ll grow up one day;
    Never heard from, you say?
    Connect that! Declare that I’m rude? Do.

  83. zongrik says:

    Drunken driving will always impair
    your perception of getting here or there.
    It’s a big hullabaloo,
    when a policeman stops you,
    and you act like you’re walking on air.

    comment and hear recording on Drunken Driving Limerick

  84. Sue Dulley says:

    A woman began to prepare
    For a trip she was taking by air.
    To help with the clothes
    She would pack, first she chose
    To be humbled on “What Not To Wear”.

  85. Sue Dulley says:

    Two or three beers won’t impair
    My limerick writing, so there.
    The typing gets tricky
    But if you’re not picky
    You wont notice the ocassional errr.

  86. Sue Dulley says:

    She feels she’s in dire disrepair -
    Just a year or two older than Cher
    And she’s starting to need
    Reading glasses to read,
    Plus on Friday she found a grey hair!

  87. Ailsa McKillop says:

    Let nothing your spirits impair!
    Keeping dark hair for years is quite rare.
    Over forties’ attrition
    Means trip to optician!
    Presbyopia looms … c’est la guerre

  88. Lynn Heyns says:

    A woman tried buying a pair
    Of earrings just right for her hair
    Long ones that dangle?!
    Hoops that won’t tangle?!
    Life’s decisions are too hard to bear!

  89. Tim James says:

    Said a man who employed an au pair
    Who resembled a big grizzly bear:
    “My kids dissed their Granny
    And many a nanny.
    I need someone who’ll give ‘em a scare!”

  90. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    He quickly went into despair
    As he slid his old fellow in there
    For her box was quite chilly
    And freezing his willy
    Not to mention the frost on his pair.

  91. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    An old man who was deep in despair
    Felt old age hadn’t treated him fair
    He recalled in his prime
    His willy was fine
    But now acts like it doesn’t care.

  92. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    An Octogenarian is now in despair
    Because of his wrinkled old pair
    If I don’t miss my guess
    With half an inch less
    He’d just have a hole down there.

  93. Mark Kane says:

    A Bartlett and Bosc, what a pair
    Of fruit for your pie, if you dare?
    Or instead, bake a tart.
    Enter both if you’re smart,
    As your fare for this year’s country fair.

  94. Diane Groothuis says:

    At a restaurant beyond compare
    Escargots and the wine being there
    Champignons and hors d’oevres
    To settle your nerves
    Cause the filet mignon was too rare.

  95. Pat wanted to grow a pair
    Of pears for the Cork County Fair
    He planted them deep
    and sang them to sleep
    And his were the biggest pair there.

    (or PG for my blog)

    Will wanted to grow a pear
    To show at the York County fair
    To his lasting credit
    He watered and fed it
    And his was the biggest pear there

  96. Sue Dulley says:

    Our cheeks always come in a pair
    On the sides of our face (or elsewhere)
    But to punctuate humour
    (Or scurrilous rumour)
    We’ve only one tongue to put there.

  97. Dr. Goose says:

    A fastidious English au pair
    With a family who lived in Bel Air
    Told the handyman, Paul,
    That his tool was too small:
    “In love,” she said, “awl is not fair.”

  98. Dr. Goose says:

    At the garden, an amorous pair
    Would attract the odd giggle and glare,
    But the cop on the beat, he
    Directed discreetly
    To please book a room over there.

  99. Dr. Goose says:

    If you happen to see a nice pair,
    Take care not to stammer and stare,
    Or say things you oughtn’t;
    And please, it’s important
    To keep your eyes here and not there.

  100. Dr. Goose says:

    Asked a curious Frenchman: “Mon père,
    Tell me, what did you do in La Guerre?”
    “I’d wait in my trench
    Till the Boche beat the French,
    Then I served them some wine and Gruyere.”

  101. Dr. Goose says:

    The guidebook suggested I pair
    My capers & lox with Sancerre,
    Unless there’s a schmier,
    In which case a beer
    Would properly match fruits de mer.

  102. Dr. Goose says:

    Every Tuesday, the crime-fighting pair
    Would be trapped in a villainous lair,
    O’er a cauldron so hot,
    As the devious plot
    Was revealed as they hung in the air.

    Then the villain with laughter depraved,
    Would depart as he gleefully waved,
    And the fighters of crime
    Would have enough time
    To escape so the day could be saved.

  103. Edmund Conti says:

    If you’re going to bet on your pair
    You’ll need another down there.
    But just being tough
    Won’t help with your bluff.
    Have aces in your pubic hair.

  104. Edmund Conti says:

    Revising an earlier one:

    They say we’re a peach of a pair
    Me and my wife (or who’s there).
    It could be my wife
    But I’ve got a life
    After all, affair’s only fair.

  105. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    She had a beautiful inflated pair
    Before Silicon ever was there
    Now they’re in disrepair
    And she’s in despair
    For the bloody things ran out of air.

  106. A fellow who needed a pair
    to stand up to his mad lady fair
    instead changed his cell number
    and times of work and slumber
    ensuring he was never there.

  107. A woman who had an old pair
    of mousetraps to protect her lair
    asked her boyfriend to prime
    and each mistimed snap in time
    made her glad it weren’t her fingers there.

  108. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners:
    Limerick of the Week 127

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Toll

  109. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A Podiatrist was starting to pare
    The corns on a blonde so fair
    But got quite a shock
    When he saw neath the mini-frock
    Two balls and a bunch of black hair.