Limerick Ham (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman was roasting a ham…*

or

A man was a terrible ham…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Ham
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A chef who is rather a ham
Got a band to allow him to jam.
The guy is all thumbs
When he beats on his drums,
But their regular man’s on the lam.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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89 Responses to “Limerick Ham (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Steve Whitred says:

    Nice lim Mad! I’ll try to come up with one or two of my own this week.

  2. Jesse Levy says:

    A woman was roasting a ham
    which really was made out of Spam
    Her hubby got wise
    and blackened her eyes
    Now he’s in a big legal jam

  3. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    A woman was roasting a ham,
    Gave her oven door too hard a slam:
    Hammy, goodbye! That night
    O’er the table a blight
    Did descend: meatless dinner. Oh, damn.

  4. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    A fellow was roasting a ham
    At a dinner: the norm was a slam
    At her stunts through the years
    Which caused laughter, some tears —
    Carol B. was the greatest! Hot damn :)

  5. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    The preacher, a terrible ham,
    Was known to imbibe a wee dram.
    He protested, My Lord
    I support, so the horde
    Should not judge me: a feckless old lamb.

  6. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    This limerick writer would ham
    It up in her e-mails (er, spam?)
    Though some friends may have winced.
    She persists, quite convinced
    Of puns’ merits: It’s just who I am!

  7. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    The question: is Mad Kane a ham?
    One answer: well, maybe a gram
    ‘s worth, but not much more;
    (Should we open this door?)
    Maybe not; she might tell me to scram.

    Her humor’s more forthright, quite witty,
    Well suited to life in the city.
    A salon? I’d attend!
    Punning time’d never end :)
    She Kane do it! Hope she’s Mad ’bout this ditty.

    {Mad, I just couldn’t help myself — Ha HA!}

  8. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Clarke Gable was a terrible ham
    In the days they made movies for jam
    It was particularly true
    When from his mouth flew
    Those words, “I don’t give a damn.”

  9. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A widow was roasting a ham
    As a treat for her boarder named Sam
    She and Sam became one
    Now the roast’s overdone
    And she may end up wheeling a pram.

  10. Zelick Mendelovich says:

    Ham On A Wave 20.10.2013
     A demented old ham used to cram 
    Only spam and white noise on his ham 
    When issued a warning 
    He said to them scorning 
    ” in Nam it was good for you! – scram!” 

  11. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A woman was roasting a ham
    Which the family was waiting to cram
    But the plan turned to shit
    When the Gas Meter quit
    So twas back to the old stand by SPAM.

  12. Phyllis L says:

    A woman was roasting a ham
    Made of soy. She said, “Yes, it’s a sham,
    But I’d feel like a dork
    If I were to eat pork.
    I am vegan – I yam what I yam!”

  13. John Sardo says:

    A woman was roasting a ham
    In an oven beside a giant clam.
    The clam was alive
    She learned half past five.
    When the clam ate the ham while enjoying a yam.

  14. John Sardo says:

    A woman was roasting a ham
    On a spit beside a huge dam
    The dam when it burst
    Relieved her harsh thirst
    Then after the ham she vigorously swam.

  15. John Sardo says:

    A man was a terrible ham
    Showing off his physique as he swam
    He swam in a lake
    The home of a snake
    The snake in the lake of the ham he made spam.

  16. Mark Kane says:

    This porn star’s a bit of a ham,
    Portraying an innocent lamb?
    We watch as she’s goaded,
    With all bases loaded,
    Then enjoying a well earned “Grand Slam.”

  17. rbasler says:

    A gal was in love with Jon Håmm
    He told her, “I yam what I yam!”
    That jaw of Don Draper’s
    Would give her the vapors
    Said Don, “I don’t give a damn…”

  18. Judith H. Block says:

    A man was a terrible ham
    Either love him or go away, SCRAM!
    He just couldn’t stop,
    He was over the top:
    His Mantra,”I am what I am!

  19. kaykuala says:

    A woman was roasting a ham…
    Just as she would roast her man
    Better be warned
    of woman scorned
    None brave enough to lend a hand

    Hank

  20. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    If Descartes were sharing a ham
    With a fellow who threatened to slam
    The lid on the taters—
    “My sweets ain’t for raiders!”—
    He would, I think, dare for a yam.

  21. Sallie McKenna says:

    A woman was roasting a ham,
    she skewered him deep in his scam;
    he thought himself Gable,
    a spurious label,
    an actor less ham than canned Spam!

  22. Sallie McKenna says:

    A woman was roasting a ram,
    thinking maybe she’d roast a ham;
    but when told, it was heard,
    guests had roundly demurred,
    hailing all from the Nation Islam.

  23. Sallie McKenna says:

    A woman was roasting a ham
    thinking I really don’t give a damn,
    if this dinner gets cooked,
    I’d much rather be booked,
    in a hut at my local ashram!

  24. Sallie McKenna says:

    A woman was sending out spam,
    it thrilled her to think she could jam,
    all mail boxes with junk,
    you would need to spelunk;
    dive in, breathe with your diaphragm.

  25. Sallie McKenna says:

    A man was preparing to scram,
    to duck his ill-got Ponzi scam,
    he drove hot out of town,
    till the cops ran him down;
    he found himself back in the slam!

  26. Ailsa McKillop says:

    My brother, the radio ham
    Made contact in Hue, Vietnam
    And in Burma, Rangoon:
    He aimed for the moon
    And the signal bounced off (past the Ram).

    In amateur radio, sending a signal in this way is known as an EME (Earth-Moon-Earth), or a “moon-bounce”.

  27. Fred Bortz says:

    When the Rebbitzen served kosher ham
    The Rabbi delared, “It’s no scam.
    it isn’t just show food,
    That sham ham is tofued,
    And next week we’ll savor fake clam.”

  28. Ailsa McKillop says:

    The prisoner’s wife baked a ham
    Hid a file inside as a scam!
    Her old man was confused:
    On the cell bars he used
    The burnt meat as a battering ram.

  29. Ailsa McKillop says:

    Frank Abagnale (Junior) — no ham!
    But a confidence trickster. His scam?
    As a pilot he posed
    For months undisclosed!
    His principal victim: Pan Am.

  30. kel nagel says:

    A woman was baking a ham
    To be glazed with a pineapple jam
    She found she was gauche–her
    Guests all kept kosher.
    She served them green eggs a la Sam.

  31. Bob Kennedy says:

    I sure love my honey-baked ham
    Spiral-sliced, slightly sweet. I mean, damn!
    Piping hot, side of beans
    Class of beer, collard greens
    That’s how we do it in Alabam’!

  32. yt cai says:

    Mel stood next to actor Jon Hamm
    A mistake that made him say damn
    There’s no way that Mel’s face
    Could compare in that place
    A contrast that made his wife scram

  33. yt cai says:

    A thick slice of maple cured ham
    In my mouth I tried hard to cram
    It got stuck in my throat
    Here and now I’ll connote
    This piece of ass was willing to jam

  34. P Diane Schneider says:

    A woman was roasting a ham
    At Friar’s club (His name was Sam)
    He’d dance and he’d sing
    Çause that was his thing’
    “Bojangles he’d say? Yes, I am.

  35. Fred Bortz says:

    A LIMERICAL TRIBUTE TO Saul E. Grossberger, a.k.a. G. Ross Berger, “that ol’ ham what am,” 1909-2004)

    I hope the semi-rhymes with ham are forgiven.

    My father-in-law, an old ham,
    Played character roles with élan
    From the Scotch Mr. Lundy
    To Arvide (on Sunday)
    To Fleetfoot and Nachum. Yes Ma’am!

    I first saw him in The Tenth Man,
    Played the shammos who did what he can
    To finish the minyan,
    Which in his opinion
    Would exile the Dybbuk — good plan.

    I knew not that he was the man
    Who, after a lengthy time span,
    Would be “Greatpapa Saul,”
    To my grands who recall
    His devotion and love for his clan.

    True story: I was on the only date I have had with a non-Jew, and we saw him and a number of other Pittsburgh area character actors in a memorable performance of Paddy Chayefsky’s The Tenth Man (about a Jewish exorcism) at the Pittsburgh Playhouse. I started dating my wife soon after that and eventually learned about the roles in local theater that her father played.

    He died when our grandtwins were five, so they never saw him in Little Mary Sunshine, Guys and Dolls, Kismet, Brigadoon, Fiddler on the Roof, 1776 (Stephen Hopkins), or any other of his roles played with great devotion for very little money. We do have a videotape of him playing a mine clerk, not very different from the factory job he held in real life, in The Prince of Pennsylvania, one of Keanu Reeves’ early movies.

  36. John Peter Larkin says:

    A man was a terrible ham
    who would frequently utter, “Shazam.”
    Captain Marvel he wasn’t.
    But, admit it, he doesn’t.
    What he needs is a mental exam.

  37. (Dear readers: I know in my gut
    Political nonsense and smut
    Are tough things to swallow,
    If forthwith they follow
    From Fred’s lovely elegy. BUT…)

    i.
    Said the Chef, “I’ve a very large ham
    Which I’m anxious to show you, Madame.
    Though I’m most at my best
    With a plump bit of breast,
    And I do like to chowder a clam!”

    Now, the Chef was a very nice guy.
    ‘Twas a meal that he meant, and no lie.
    He was truly bereft
    When she slapped him and left,
    And he still doesn’t understand why.

    ii.
    Mr. Cruz: Both your Green Eggs and Ham
    Down your mis’rable throat I should cram
    For making a game
    Of my credit and name.
    Respectfully yours… Uncle Sam.

  38. Tom Harris says:

    The man was a terrible ham,
    Whose movie career was a sham.
    But he did get one part.
    His role: Cut a fart.
    He stunk, but went out with a blam!!

  39. Tom Harris says:

    His mother baked a lovely ham
    And served it with some candied yam.
    But he, like a bull,
    Was incorrigible,
    Said he’d prefer some toast and jam.

  40. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    My Missus is roasting a ham
    That once was our pet pig Sam
    Who was fresh out of luck
    When hit by a truck
    So waste not, want not’s the plan.

  41. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    Yul B. was encouraged to ham
    It up as the King of Siam.
    Deb’rah Kerr rolled her eyes,
    Cut poor Yul down to size:
    His accent was slapstick, a sham.

  42. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    The twins, each a terrible ham,
    Amused passersby from their pram.
    Their long suff’ring nurse
    Sounded sweet, and then terse:
    Boys, clothes on this instant! [Yes, ma'am.]

  43. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    The banquet had chicken, beef, ham
    But nary a coldcut, nor Spam.
    Thank heaven, some class!
    Til plump Greg scratched his ass –
    And on it the door was let slam.

  44. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    She chose a mouth-watering ham,
    Inviting her parents and gram
    To her first home-cooked meal.
    It was quite a big deal:
    Yum!? Ham stuffed with capers and jam.

  45. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    In those ads, “Captain Kirk” ‘s such a ham
    But well paid (?) to cavort for the cam-
    Era. Such a shame
    Shatner’s fat — due to fame?
    You were so handsome once, William :^o

  46. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    Dinner at “Got Yer Goat”

    They ordered mashed taters with ham
    But soon heard the kitchen door slam.
    A wait: funny taste?
    Diner motto: no waste!
    Their livestock is now short one ram.

  47. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    They served trout, prime rib, tasty ham
    Aboard the long luxury tram.
    In the Alps ’twas suspended
    Until it upended,
    Their plunge ending in (splat). Oh, damn.

  48. Mark Kane says:

    These “Friars” are roasting a ham.
    Hurling insults, with clam after clam.
    All these Jews sure amuse,
    With their biting sharp shmooze.
    Funny treif for their comedy jam.

  49. Mark Kane says:

    Poor Irish were missing pink ham.
    In New York, with no hope for lamb.
    Jews seeing their grief,
    Suggested “Corned Beef?”
    Now a U.S. Saint Paddy’s Day scam.

    * Here in the U.S, sure, but you’ll never find what we consider “Corned Beef” in Ireland, that’s for damn sure.

  50. Mrs.Smeej says:

    I thought Cruz a bit of a ham
    Because he attempted to ram
    (By making the news)
    The Tea Party’s views
    Down throats, sans the biscuits and jam.

    The Senator’s selling flimflam…
    Are you not offended? I am.
    He’s cost us a lot,
    And finished he’s not,
    ’cause nihilists don’t give a damn.

  51. Diane Groothuis says:

    A young man who roasted a ham
    Sent it by air to Siam
    A product of York
    It resembled roast pork
    As depicted by our friend Charles Lamb

  52. Tim James says:

    A woman was roasting a ham
    When her gas stove went off with a blam!
    With a flash and a roar
    She got blown through a door.
    Now she’s caught in a bit of a jamb.

  53. I’d rather a bowlful of Ham-
    burger Helper, and slices of Spam
    Than dine (and grow lean)
    On La Nouvelle Cuisine,
    Where the portions weigh barely a gram!

  54. I once had a home in East Ham,
    But I found it too far from the tram.
    I thought it was best
    That I move further West…
    Because “Easter Ham” sounds like a sham.

  55. (I regret this one, but I’m posting it anyway.)

    Ron Weasley ate far too much ham.
    So much of the stuff did he cram
    That he farted all night.
    Pity poor Harry’s plight:
    He’s the Prisoner of Ass-Kablam!

  56. TWO OLD TESTAMENT LIMERICKS

    i.
    Up the mountain went old Abraham
    With Isaac in lieu of a lamb.
    G_d, staying his hand,
    Said, “You misunderstand:
    I just want you to upgrade my Ram!”

    ii.
    (Out-of-competition; rhyme word last)

    So why is pork treyf (or haram,
    as it’s known to the sons of Islam)?
    On the ark long ago,
    When the food stores ran low,
    Noah’s family kept nibbling Ham.

  57. Bob Dvorak says:

    A woman was roasting a ham
    That was touted by Internet spam.
    The oven was loaded;
    The damn thing exploded.
    From now on, she’s sticking with lamb.

  58. Fred Bortz says:

    Wow, Will Laughlin! That third verse is hard to top, even with something Biblical, to wit:

    Noah’s first mate, his son Ham,
    Could help him through many a jam,
    Like completing the ark,
    ‘Ere the gopher would bark
    To signal God’s final exam.

  59. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A new bride thought she’d roasted a ham
    Which the in-laws were waiting to cram
    So after sitting to dine
    With a nice glass of wine
    They found mutton dressed up as lamb.

  60. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Errol Flynn was another big ham
    And as Robin Hood known as The Ram
    In sex he did revel
    This Tasmanian Devil
    Until he f….d himself into a jam.

  61. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Neil Armstrong tried roasting a ham
    But when finished it tasted like spam
    And after sampling it’s juice
    He used the excuse
    “It was just one small step for man.”

  62. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A Scottish lady while roasting a ham
    Decided to share a wee dram
    With polite Johnny Walker
    Who proceeded to pork her
    But afterwards said, “Thanks Maam.”

  63. Tom Hale says:

    A woman was serving a ham
    To Gomer who hollered, “Shazam!
    Like Yertle the Turtle,
    This hog haunch is myrtle!
    Hey, ma’am, I’m not Sam I Am, damn!”

  64. Tim James says:

    I’m a poet, a bit of a ham,
    Though my sonnets aren’t worth but a damn.
    I spend much of my time
    Finding words that will rhyme.
    Am I heedful of meter? Iamb.

  65. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Portnoy while warming a ham
    Prior to giving it a slam
    Said, “These days using liver
    No more makes me quiver
    Plus no satisfaction from Spam.”

  66. Tom Note says:

    A woman had roasted a ham.
    But she’d sprayed on way too much Pam.
    When she pulled out the tray
    And her one wrist gave way,
    That ham hit the floor with a slam.Damn!

  67. Mark Kane says:

    David Bowie excelled as a ham.
    With the band he would kick out the jam,
    Singing “Suffragette City,”
    And no it ain’t pretty,
    Yelling wham and then bam, “Thank You Ma’am!”

  68. Diane Groothuis says:

    A burglar was stealing a ham
    At a deli which sold spam and jam
    So he started to crunch
    As he had missed lunch
    But the cops came and he had to scram

  69. Diane Groothuis says:

    After a nice piece of ham
    To the deli I went on the tram
    And on the way back
    The conductor so slack
    Said “Your porker is causing a jam.”.

  70. I once took a pink slab of ham
    And pushed it around in a pram.
    Nice people came peeking,
    Then ran away, shrieking…
    You think that I’m crazy? I am.

  71. Craig says:

    My gramps is forever a ham
    He drops trou and rocks out to a jam.
    So last night he’s on Skype
    (And I don’t mean to gripe)
    But he maybe should turn off his cam.

  72. John Armstrong says:

    A woman was roasting her ham
    In a land were they simply love spam
    She toasted her bun
    Asleep in the sun
    It glows like a pineapple sauced yam

  73. John Armstrong says:

    A woman was roasting her ham
    In a land were they simply love spam
    She toasted her bun
    Asleep in the sun
    It glows like a mango sauced yam

  74. Bill Klein says:

    A woman was roasting a ham
    To serve to her new husband’s fam
    Her mate started groanin’
    “Our last name is Cohen!
    You shiksas just don’t give a damn!”

  75. Diane Groothuis says:

    A thief who made off with a ham
    Got into a big legal jam
    At the lift of the gavel
    He said”Have ham will travel”
    And the court-house door closed with a slam.

  76. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    A piglet was destined for ham
    But saved by a roving-eye cam;
    Little Sam, loving porker,
    Became a New Yorker :)
    In favor of pigs’ rights? I am.

  77. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    Young Lou, irrepressible ham,
    Was told by his teacher to scram;
    He refused to be squelched
    (She complained that he belched),
    And triumphantly aced his exam.

  78. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    Deb labored o’er Thanksgiving ham,
    Had invited her boisterous fam-
    Ily to partake
    Followed by lemon cake.
    Gobble, roar! (Dishes? No.) Front door — slam.

  79. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    Next door, Eve cooked her own luscious ham.
    Family members knew, don’t mess with Gram:
    “NO one leaves til the dishes
    Are done!” Grandma’s wishes
    Were law: They’d not risk “You there, scram!”

  80. Charley Simmons says:

    A lady had just baked a ham,
    Which was swiped by a crook on the lam.
    He was found by the cops,
    Still licking his chops.
    Now he’s back hearing jail gates go slam.

  81. Tom Note says:

    A woman was roasting a ham
    At a celebrity fete in Siam.
    Her jibes on the stage
    Caused considerable rage,
    And the slammed ham whammed her with a yam.

    (I claim an EST exemption, since EDT is a capricious fabrication.)

  82. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    The new Chef was roasting a ham
    From his recipe book in Vietnam
    So the new Menu’s hog
    Which replaces the dog
    And next week he’ll change it to Spam

  83. Johanna Richmond says:

    Though it’s quaint to read Green Eggs and Ham
    On the Senate floor into the cam,
    Mr Cruz, I would quarrel
    You quite missed the moral:
    Fools are forked in the end. ~ Sam-I-Am

  84. Johanna Richmond says:

    Not ALL make the cut as a ham,
    Says my dad — some just don’t have the stam:
    “Being 80, still cooking,
    Supremely good looking
    And sharp proves this ham ain’t a sham!”

  85. Kirk Miller says:

    That proctologist’s really a ham.
    He remarked to a patient named Sam,
    “The digital age
    May be all the rage,
    But for men not the digital exam.”

  86. CHARLOTTE’S REVENGE

    The spiderweb read, simply: HAM.
    Farmer Zuckerman muttered, “Hot damn!”
    And boiled Wilbur in cider.
    Don’t piss off a spider,
    Or you’re in one hell of a jam.

  87. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Kim Jong Un is not into ham
    But eats dog whenever he can
    Also partial to cat
    And would eat more of that
    If the fur balls weren’t Ad Nauseam

  88. Tom Note says:

    A man was a terrible ham
    He tasted like fermented clam.
    But to the natives that boiled him
    Nothing recoiled’em;
    They just rubbed on a lot of grape jam.

  89. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 137

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Truck