Limerick Hum (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow would constantly hum…*

or

A gal was annoyed by a hum…*

or

Just as things were beginning to hum…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Hum
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A florist would constantly hum,
While chomping a large pack of gum,
Till a Mother’s Day shopper
With one in the hopper
Said, “Kindly attempt to be mum!”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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145 Responses to “Limerick Hum (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A fellow would constantly hum
    During shagging, and after he’d cum
    Then break into song
    Making her sing along
    While on his guitar he did strum.

  2. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    She became quite annoyed with his hum
    And guitar he would afterwards strum
    So eventually said,
    “If you don’t stop this Fred,
    You can stick your guitar up your bum.”

  3. Charley Simmons says:

    Just as things were beginning to hum.
    The gal cursed and called him a bum.
    He can just take full blame,
    For his terrible aim,
    And for ramming it right up her bum.

  4. A mother’s day shopper with one in the hopper … that’s great Mad!

  5. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Just as things were beginning to hum
    They were caught by her half blind Mum
    Who innocently thought
    Twas some strenuous sport
    When she heard the moans as they cum.

  6. A gal was annoyed by a hum
    And I don’t want to say she was dumb
    But by turning the switch
    She could deal with her itch
    Much more quietly using her thumb

  7. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A gal was annoyed by the hum
    Of her dildo when applied to her bum
    And as for a thrill
    An orgasm was nil
    All it did was to make her bum numb.

  8. Pat Hatt says:

    A fellow would constantly hum
    When ever he got in the rum
    But what wasn’t cool
    Was when he started to drool
    Because his tongue went numb

  9. John Sardo says:

    A gal would constantly hum
    In her garden-she had a green thumb.
    She did it while nude
    But it started a feud.
    Among guys who were drunk on cheap rum.

  10. John Sardo says:

    A guy was annoyed by a hum
    As his gal chewed a big wad of gum
    She’d tweet like a dove
    As he tried to make love
    For his efforts she seemed to turn numb.

  11. John Sardo says:

    A gal was annoyed by a hum
    It began to make her feel glum.
    It came from next door
    Neighbors rolled on the floor.
    To her craving she’d finally succumb.

  12. John Sardo says:

    A fellow would constantly hum
    A tune while banging a drum.
    His gal it annoyed
    With an idea she toyed.
    Finally stuffed in his mouth a ripe plum.

  13. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A Sailor would constantly hum
    And swig at a bottle of rum
    Could’nt help being pensive
    And somewhat apprehensive
    For his turn in the barrel had come.

  14. Judith H. Block says:

    Just as things were beginning to hum
    With our bi-weekly threesome,
    A guy suggested a foursome,
    He said it’d be AWESOME!
    I think I will need Valium!

  15. Chris Papa says:

    A sweet guy would silently hum,
    While giving wife’s clit a tongue strum,
    The extra vibration,
    Would cause a sensation,
    That sped up her orgasmic come.

  16. Craig says:

    My girl likes to nibble and hum
    In the bedroom (if she’s had some rum)
    She’s such an exciter
    That ‘ere I can requite her
    She often will get me to feel extremely relaxed.

    (Chris Papa – dirty minds think alike.)

  17. Diane Groothuis says:

    Although I continually hum
    My friends say I’m musically dumb
    Now what is a clef?
    I suppose I’m tone-deaf
    Cuz they say that I sing out my bum

  18. Diane Groothuis says:

    My old man’s feet used to hum
    And he covered the bathtub with scum
    If it was really urgent
    And there was no detergent
    He’d rinse them with petrol-e-um.

  19. Diane Groothuis says:

    A bank robber would often-times hum
    To make sure combinations would come
    And then he would listen
    His greedy eyes glisten
    To hear the sounds-wait for it – “dot dot dot dum.”

  20. Judith H. Block says:

    Some things were beginning to hum
    In the happy and giddy balsam.
    Said xylem to phloem:
    “Ain’t this a great home!
    They’re spiking the water with rum!”

  21. A fellow would constantly hum
    then turn his hum into a pun
    then his wife would groan
    say, “You’ll sleep alone
    cause the hum is worse than the pun.”

  22. yt cai says:

    In mid-flight the plane lost it’s hum
    Gave way to a brief pum pum pum
    with engines sputtering
    and stomach fluttering
    Initial response was through bum

  23. yt cai says:

    The music professor would hum
    As part of his curriculum
    was always off tune
    a tone deaf buffoon
    Caused students to lose equilibrium

  24. Fred Bortz says:

    I live in a home, oh so hum-
    That its structure is starting to crum-.
    The door’s off its hinges.
    Each visitor cringes
    As across the cracked threshold they stum-.

    And that’s No “-ble”

    Apologies to grammarians for the disagreement in number between “Each” and “they.”

  25. Fred Bortz says:

    I first heard the strange, eerie hum.
    Then my arms, legs, and body went numb.
    When at last I aroused
    No more doubts I espoused,
    For I knew where the aliens come from.

  26. Fred Bortz says:

    The kazoo section’s infernal hum
    Is considered real music by some.
    But my limit is — Oy! –
    When they play “Ode to Joy.”
    Even Yankovic fans call that dumb.

  27. Sue Dulley says:

    The sewing machine starts to hum
    She’s sewing a shirt with aplomb
    While eating… a peach?
    There’s a sudden loud screech
    As the needle pokes into her thumb.

  28. Sue Dulley says:

    The jam session’s starting to hum
    They’ve come here to drum and to strum
    It’s awfully loud
    And some ears in the crowd
    Are becoming uncomf’tably numb.

  29. Sue Dulley says:

    So why did the hummingbird hum?
    If you’re flummoxed I’ll throw out this crumb:
    The answer I heard’s
    “He’s forgotten the words”
    (Okay, so this limerick’s dumb.)

  30. Sue Dulley says:

    My blender is starting to hum
    I’m mixing a smoothie – want some?
    Ripe banana like silk
    Cherry yogurt and milk
    It’s creamy and sweet, like.. yum, yum!

  31. Sue Dulley says:

    A hummingbird wanted to hum
    But only a “zzzt” sound would come
    But word got around
    Of the flowers she’d found
    And that’s when she stopped feeling dumb.

  32. Sue Dulley says:

    A kid’s brain was starting to hum -
    Math homework was ripped – he felt dumb.
    With “addition” the goal,
    Too bad that the hole
    Was greater than parts of the sum.

  33. Sue Dulley says:

    The radio started to hum
    In a tribute to Barbara Frum
    Who died years ago
    And never would know
    How right-wing her son has become.

  34. Ira Bloom says:

    My wife is annoyed by a hum,
    When I sit in the can on my bum.
    It’s rather a drone,
    With a vibrato tone.
    I still don’t know where it comes from.

  35. Tom Harris says:

    When the rhubarb started to hum,
    The umpire gave Zeke the thumb.
    “Yer outta here! Gone!
    Sayonara! So long!
    And next time try being less dumb.”

  36. Sue Dulley says:

    (On a jog down by Riverside Mews
    My muse came to bring me some clues
    So I cut my run short
    To hang onto the thought
    Of a story I’d rather not lose) …

    On a highway where cars and trucks hum
    A gentleman held out his thumb.
    This driver, on slowing
    Asked “Where are you going?
    You’re clearly not merely a bum.”

    The guy was a backcountry skier
    Who’d climbed up a mountain, with gear,
    Skied down t’other side
    And now needed a ride
    To his car, and quite possibly, beer.

    So if ever you go for a jog,
    (And risk being chased by a dog)
    You never know when
    You’ll need paper and pen
    Just to update your limerick log.

  37. Kirk Miller says:

    Re: Sue Dulley’s 4 limericks about jogging:

    I write limericks when I go run.
    With recorder in hand, I have fun.
    Writing lims is easy
    If my muse is with me.
    If I’m lucky, she’ll give me a pun.

    So Sue, when you go for a jog
    And your muse gets you all agog,
    If you have a recorder
    You can keep thoughts in order
    And your train of thought won’t ever clog.

  38. Kirk Miller says:

    A fellow would constantly hum
    On kazoo while a tom-tom he’d thrum.
    All his neighbors would pray
    That the man move away
    ‘Cause the music was always hum-drum.

  39. Kirk Miller says:

    A musician was feeling quite glum;
    Didn’t know that renowned he’d become.
    Then he heard what to do:
    “Just create a kazoo,”
    The voice said, “If you build it, they will hum.”

  40. Sue Dulley says:

    Thanks, Kirk, for the tip! When my feet
    Hit the pathway or trail or the street
    I may have a recorder
    Or have one on order
    For next time my muse and I meet.

  41. Kirk Miller says:

    An inventor’s annoyed by a hum
    That she hears in her head; she’s not dumb.
    “Make a dildo,” says voice
    “And let women rejoice.
    If you build it,” voice said, “they will cum.”

  42. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A fellow would constantly hum
    Night and day which was’nt much fun
    For his wife it was boring
    With that noise and his snoring
    So she left and went home to her Mum.

  43. Dean Deters says:

    A student would constantly hum
    When practicing numbers to sum
    His classmates got mad
    ‘Cause his rhythm was bad
    Their hearing, it finally went numb.

  44. Dean Deters says:

    A dentist would constantly hum
    As he worked to make patients numb
    When the needle went in
    The humming would dim
    But he never went completely mum.

  45. Diane Groothuis says:

    A cuckoo clock started to hum
    To prepare for it’s mid nightly thrum
    That racket 12 times!
    Why don’t you use chimes?
    Put your clock up the clockmaker’s bum.

  46. Diane Groothuis says:

    Mrs Bloom is annoyed by a hum
    Resembling the beat of a drum
    So she soundproofed the pan
    So nobody can
    Vent their ire on her life-mate and chum

  47. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A Convict was annoyed with the hum
    From his cellmate and bum buddy chum
    Who was unclean, in fact
    After each act
    He never did wash off the cum.

    Surely this is no dirtier than Chris Papa or Craig!

  48. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A new wife was annoyed with a hum
    Which was making her life hum-drum
    For her partner’s loud snoring
    Had become bloody boring
    So took off and went home to her Mum.

  49. Sue DUlley says:

    The beanstalk would quiver and hum
    As the giant roared “Fee fie foe fum!”
    Which terrified Jack
    So he hid in a crack.
    (In the woodwork! Who thought “giant’s bum”??)

  50. Sue Dulley says:

    The lobby was starting to hum,
    Reporters closed in for the scrum
    But soon all were vexed
    When “No comment” and “Next?”
    Were the closest to answers they’d come.

  51. Sue Dulley says:

    The protest is starting to hum
    They’re singing “We SHALL Overcome”.
    Though nowhere near silent
    They’re very non-violent
    So how come the cops look so glum?

  52. My TV’s developed a hum
    And my Guitar will no longer strum
    All ‘cuz when I saw Hannity
    I lost my sanity
    Good thing I don’t own a gum

  53. Squatting carpenters constantly hum
    Not aware that they’re showing their bum
    So good poet or hack
    Can’t but help take a crack
    At some cheeky verse, warped more than plumb

  54. A fellow would haw then he’d hum
    Then he’d curse at the IRS scum
    When he adds up his tax
    It’s deductions he lacks
    He owes more than the parts of his sum

  55. The idol can whistle and hum
    But his talent’s no better than some
    Still he gets their awards
    ‘Cuz he’s learned all three chords
    So an overnight hit he’s become

  56. Bob Dvorak says:

    An Englishman often would hum
    An old tune Willie N. liked to strum.
    “A great song. Other means
    To make music, are beans.
    But I can’t get the range from my bum.”

  57. Just as things were beginning to hum
    Axe Man broke out the rum
    The band got totally wrecked
    Not a note was correct
    Save for a few beats on the drum

  58. Bob Dvorak says:

    A fellow would suddenly hum
    An ellipsis when words wouldn’t come.
    (An ellipsis… that’s what’s
    The name for those dots.)
    Or in other words, dot, dot dot. Dumb.

  59. Tim James says:

    For Sue and Kirk:

    I too have a muse, as you do;
    I hear her while running, the shrew.
    She deigns only to visit
    (It’s just not fair, is it?)
    When my brain is deprived of O2.

  60. Tim James says:

    The party was starting to hum
    On a fishing boat well-stocked with rum
    Till the captain’s friend, drunk,
    With the sharks took a dunk.
    Now he’s known as the skipper’s best chum.

  61. Sue Dulley says:

    Tim James, you’ve just made my mind hum…
    Perhaps I could make my muse come
    (Although risking death)
    Just holding my breath?
    No on second thoughts, that would be dumb.

  62. VOLUNTEER CIVIC ORCHESTRA

    Just as things were beginning to hum
    Along came a fellow so dumb
    He chose a fine cello
    With tone sweet and mellow,
    With pick he then started to strum.

  63. Unbidden my head starts to hum
    Amid meter and rhyme I succumb
    And I cannot explain
    Though I think that it’s plain
    There are times when my muse likes to slum

    Elizabeth Gilbert

  64. Sue Dulley says:

    In a movie, a princess would hum
    Or warble this song, feeling glum:
    It’s “Some Day My Prince
    Will Come” – please don’t wince -
    We all sometimes wish ours would come.

  65. Sue Dulley says:

    The concert was starting to hum,
    The music went “Dot dot dot DUM!”
    Although repetitious,
    It sounded delicious -
    Our eardrums were not, not, not numb.

  66. Sue Dulley says:

    A singer would wordlessly hum
    The Rolling Stones’ “Under My Thumb”.
    He said, “It’s so wrong -
    One can’t sing that song
    And not be thought chauvinist scum.”

  67. Sue Dulley says:

    A mother a love song would hum
    As she di’pered her new baby’s bum.
    It distracted her mind
    From the messes she’d find
    In the hours, days and months yet to come.

  68. Tom Harris says:

    Anita, annoyed by Bob’s hum,
    Said, “You best be quiet, old chum.
    I ain’t whistling ‘Dixie,’
    I’ll tell your wife Trixie,
    You’re seeing some flirty young plumb.”

  69. Ira Bloom says:

    James Inhofe often will hum,
    As he floats in his pond, sucking scum.
    He’s an NRA shill,
    With one hand in the till,
    And yet oddly, can’t walk and chew gum.

  70. Ira Bloom says:

    A fellow will frequently hum,
    “It’s a Small World,” while sucking his thumb.
    His wife found this queer,
    And applied to her ear,
    An icepick, to puncture the drum.

  71. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    An old man would constantly hum
    A melody he learned from his Mum
    When a very young chappy
    And he shit in his nappy
    She would sing it while wiping his bum.

  72. Diane Groothuis says:

    Now Elvis would frequently hum
    “Blue Bayou” while his gee-tar did strum,
    But he got in the poo
    When one blue suede shoe
    Was found neath the bed of his chum.

  73. brian miller says:

    a fellow who would constantly hum
    met a gal who always would drum
    together a band
    give them a hand
    as they keep us from er’ getting glum

  74. Diane Groothuis says:

    The Bingo balls busily hum
    And we mark off our spots as they come
    One little white duck
    Can bring you some luck
    While thirteen is lucky for some.

  75. JulesPaige says:

    A gal was annoyed by a hum,
    Started slow and then beat like a drum
    Piercing the night like a sick cow
    His snoring! She wondered just how
    Could hubby sleep, as her ears grew quite numb?

  76. Claudia says:

    a fellow would constantly hum
    and life-rhythm beat on a drum
    he was music and sound
    around and around
    & he thought that’s just so much fun

  77. Hey! Thanks for your interest

    The current one is still going so you are more than welcome to jump in

    Stormcat had a good idea for it actually which is explained in the comments if you want to do that =)

    If not I hope to see you Sunday for the new one!

  78. Sue Dulley says:

    Radnoft:

    To the old man, advanced age will come;
    He’ll value that song from his mum
    As he serenades
    The heroic young aides
    At the care home when they clean his bum.

  79. A fellow would frequently hum
    A few bars of the “Te Deum”
    To settle his nerves
    As he fondled the curves
    Of his (or another!) wife’s bum.

  80. foam says:

    A fellow would frequently hum

    Odd tunes to the beat of a drum

    He thought he could make it

    While drumming quite naked

    And humming to girls quite buxom..

  81. Will, clearing his throat with a hum,
    Said to Craig, Chris and Radnoft, “Come, come!”
    “Your posts are X-rated,”
    He ejaculated,
    “But if that’s what you want, then here’s some…”

    *****

    The dean gave a satisfied hum
    As he rolled off the student’s bare bum.
    “You’ll be summa cum laude,”
    he said, ” ’cause boy howdy,
    That certainly was summa cum!”

    *****

    I hope you don’t mind if I hum,
    Or I nervously twiddle my thumb.
    But it just isn’t fair
    That you sit there and stare
    As I wait for my turn with your mum.

    *****

    I really don’t mind if you hum
    While I’m trying to figure a sum;
    But you pull out your schlong
    To beat time to the song,
    And that’s asking too much of a chum.

    *****

    Although in my rapture I hum
    “Oops! I Did It Again” as I come,
    I regret, I confess,
    That I made such a mess
    Of your hair with the residuum.

  82. Oh, the Internet message boards hum
    With comments both snarky and dumb.
    But beware what you write:
    If it’s snark, then it might
    Be a Boo…
    ………..
    ………..
    ……….. (and the wind whispered: “… jum!”)

    – regrets to Lewis Carroll –

  83. THE WORST LIMERICK OF ALL

    Although it’s not Christmas, I hum
    That song of the boy and his drum
    As I watch my young daughter
    Help hobos fetch water.
    She loves to… bear up a pump bum.

  84. Sue Dulley says:

    Dear Will, my response, right on cue
    Is to laugh and to cheer – and to boo
    (not followed by -jum)
    And to tunelessly HUM
    My least favourite Carroll to you.

  85. Thanks to David and Sue for the inspiration…

    So this week when the rhyme word is hum
    And I’ve o’er used ‘cum’, ‘dum’, ‘thumb’, and ‘bum’
    A conundrum I’ll pose
    Will you solve it, who knows?
    I suspect though, it’s too tough for some

    Now the gears in my head start to hum
    As the clues for this puzzle forth come
    You’ve got 12 coins of gold
    But there’s one that is old
    It’s weight’s off from the rest, by a crumb

    You’ve a scale (not of music to hum)
    It’s two pans on a chain, and it’s plumb
    With this scale weigh the gold
    ‘Till at last you behold
    The coin others are different from

    If at this point you’re all thinking hummm ….
    Here’s a clue to begin, don’t be glum
    Place some coins in each pan
    If they balance you can
    Safely say that it’s not in that scrum

    Since you now see this isn’t ho-hum
    One more thing, please don’t think I’m a bum
    The odd coin may be light
    Or just overweight, slight
    And three weighing’s the goal, good luck chum

  86. Sue Dulley says:

    The hummingbirds paused in mid-hum
    To wonder when summer would come.
    They don’t like cold showers
    That fail to bring flowers
    And force them at feeders to slum.

  87. Sue Dulley says:

    If you like to hear hummingbirds hum,
    And you live where you think there are some,
    Remember they need
    On sweet syrup to feed -
    Fill your feeder and wait; they will come.

  88. Sue Dulley says:

    Beak-on-metal sounds louder than “hum”
    When a flicker my chimney would drum.
    He’s attracted a mate
    But non-early-birds hate
    To awake to that deafening thrum.

  89. @Steve Whitred:

    Here’s the method that I would employ:
    Choose *any* two coins, Steve my boy…
    Take one coin (your choice),
    Weigh it avoirdupois,
    And then measure the other in troy.

    No, no: please don’t give me a beating.
    I know that this method is cheating.
    If you’d rather instead,
    I’ll try using my head…
    (Quite a change from my usual bleating).

    – ahem –

    Put six and six pieces of eight
    On the scales, and determine their weight.
    You’ll notice one side
    Slightly higher will ride:
    That’s the side we’ll be working with. Great:

    Take the coins from the light side, and see
    How they measure up, weighed three and three.
    Once again you’ll behold
    That there’s one tray of gold
    Slightly lighter, comparatively.

    Now the answer’s so clear it could bite one:
    The lighter half must have the right one.
    So compare one and one.
    If they’re equal, you’re done;
    If they’re not, then you just choose the light one.

  90. I spelled comparatively wrong. Oops! Sorry.

    Note from Mad Kane: Fixed.

  91. heidi says:

    A limerick to write using “hum”
    maybe Jack and his fee fi fo fum
    but Sue got there first
    and I’m for the worst
    as I sit here and think only “um?”

  92. heidi says:

    okay, that line was supposed to read

    “but Sue got there first”

    Note from Mad Kane: I fixed it.

  93. @Will,
    Wow! what a great limerick. And your solution is clear as can be. Clearer than my puzzle posting obviously. The last stanza of my post was supposed to specify that you don’t know whether the odd coin is heavier or lighter than the rest. Your wonderful solution assumes the odd coin is lighter. (mea culpa)

  94. Sue Dulley says:

    Heidi, please in this lim-off with “hum”
    Take the message of Fee Fie Fo Fum
    (As in Jack and the beans)
    And expand by all means -
    Grow a beanstalk from my bean-sized crumb.

  95. A fellow would constantly hum
    with his lips, his teeth and his gums.
    His face met a paw,
    that shattered his jaw.
    So now, he makes sounds with his bum.

  96. kaykuala says:

    A fellow would constantly hum…
    Most of all when on the run
    Had my fun
    Who’s the one
    To bother to ask silly questions?

    Hank

  97. Charley Simmons says:

    The honeybees happily hum,
    While cows in the meadow chew gum.
    It’s a beautiful day,
    Bright blue skies, nothing grey,
    So cheer up and sing. Don’t be glum.

  98. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A young woman was annoyed with the “A-Hum!”
    From her coughing and wheezing old Mum
    Sounded like she was choking
    Should have given up smoking
    But would’nt cos she was too dumb

    Thanks to Will.T and Sue for those really clever comebacks.

  99. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Politicians have their own rotten hum
    But not sure from where it does come
    But I’m thinking that it’s
    cos they’re so full of shit
    Which gives them an odour, the scum.

  100. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Things were just starting to hum
    To the Protest March many had come
    Soon the Coppers came by
    But were given a “Brown eye”
    By the Leader who flashed his bare bum.

  101. @SteveWhitred

    Thanks — but I didn’t have to keep to the keyword, so my job was pretty easy. And assuming the coin was lighter rather than heavier was a total cheat, just so I could get the rhymes to fit better!

    Also, I shouldn’t have tried to rhyme “choice” with “poyz”. Maybe it should have been:

    Then, hey presto, voilà!
    Weigh one avoir-du-pwah,
    And then measure the other in troy.

    Not very good either way, but I wanted to answer a five-stanza riddle with a five-stanza answer.

  102. Sue Dulley says:

    The sewing machines whirr and hum
    The designers look frantic or glum
    They’ve whipped up their best
    Now the runway’s the test
    And their futures depend on Ms Klum.

  103. colonialist says:

    A fellow would constantly hum
    To drown out the sounds from his tum -
    His flatulence chronic
    Gave scales diatonic.
    So some to each hum would succomb.

  104. Sue Dulley says:

    The crystal set gave out a hum
    For a distance around itself; some
    French chemists, just two,
    Found an element new -
    Radio, radius, radium.

  105. My friend likes to sit there and hum
    “Ancient Voices of Children” by Crumb*.
    How I’m wishing that he
    Would hum 4′ 33″
    By John Cage, and spend 5 minutes schtum.

    (* actually, this would be very difficult…)

  106. My mother will whistle and hum
    As her banjo she plucks with her thumb –
    While keeping the beat
    Playing drums with her feet:
    She’s the thumb-strummin’ hum ‘n’ drum mum.

  107. The percussionist murmured, “Ho-hum…”
    And slept, ‘ere the climax had come.
    Alas, with a mum drum,
    The symphony’s humdrum,
    Which rendered the audience glum.

  108. The Senate dissembles and hums,
    And on background checks turn down their thumbs.
    Their constituents’ fury
    Will yet be their jury:
    Let’s humble the dumb stumblebums!

  109. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Protest March had just started to hum
    When the Coppers decided to come
    So the Leader’s reply
    Was to give them a “brown eye”
    By exposing to them his bare bum

  110. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Politicians lies constantly hum
    With plenty of bullshit to come
    As they moan and they bitch
    We just let them get rich
    Us peasants are so fucking dumb

  111. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A French Musician would constantly hum
    “The Marseillaise” tolerated by some
    But a few couldn’t condone
    This monotonous drone
    And his body was found in the Somme

  112. I don’t have a limerick for you today. I just wanted to stop by and say hello because I enjoy reading your blog. Best of Thursday to you!

  113. Jack Horner went mum in mid-hum
    The moment he’d pulled out his plum.
    Why wasn’t he merry?
    The filling was *cherry*…
    Now where did that dumb plum come from?

  114. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Will T. you will find this hard to believe but you and I must have ESP for I had just finished penning one myself( which has taken all day I might add) about Johnny Horner and saying to my wife “I’m pretty sure nobody has thought of one like this ” and now as I am just about to enter it I find to my dismay that you have beaten me and what is more with even a similar theme?

    I wonder if Johnny Horner did hum
    With joy when he pulled a big plum
    From his Blueberry pie
    Or did he just cry
    You’ve fucked up again dear Mum

  115. Dear Radnoft: I certainly hope
    If John was so big of a dope
    As to whine and complain
    That she “fucked up again”,
    That his Mum washed his mouth out with soap! :^)

    There’s worse things to find in your crust:
    In “American Pie”, mad with lust,
    A young man (Jack Horny?)
    Made pastry turn porny…
    You remember our rhyme-word, I trust? :^Þ

  116. Diane Groothuis says:

    A young hen was starting to hum
    At a good looking cock by the drum
    He crowed “It’s not on
    Go to doodle dot com”
    So she squeezed one last egg out her bum.
    50 minutes ago · Edited · Like

  117. Johanna Richmond says:

    What good is that monotone hum
    Ticking off, like some opiate drum,
    “Death, blindness, infection,
    A four-hour erection…”?
    We’re deaf with one shake of a bum.

  118. Johanna Richmond says:

    To the dentist who’d constantly hum
    While poking and prodding her gum:
    She cried, “Hate to sound sore
    But just how much more
    Anesthesia would make my ears numb?”

  119. Johanna Richmond says:

    To Diane:

    Your last lim’rick made me go hummm…
    When I think of a frown on a bum,
    My mind goes to farce –
    Painted lips on an arse
    And a mouth ill-equipped to chew gum.

  120. Please do me a favor, Diane,
    And add one more egg if you can:
    Now, I don’t mean to shock,
    But a Good Looking Cock
    Needs 2 Huevos — just ask any man!

  121. Sue Dulley says:

    Our taste buds are starting to hum
    Over pies that with extra fruits come.
    When Jack’s mom makes cherry
    Or (my fave) blue berry
    She bakes every pie with aplomb.

  122. Mark Kane says:

    A woman would teasingly hum,
    While stroking her lips with her thumb.
    He just looks away,
    But she so wants to play.
    Of course, in the end, he’ll succumb.

  123. Sue Dulley says:

    Di’s gallo is one huevo short
    Like a cyclist… (you’ve heard that report)
    But this cock can still crow
    And to full height will grow
    While pursuing the pollos for sport.

  124. A gal was annoyed by a hum
    It was me, but I tried to play dumb
    When she asked “was that you
    On the stupid kazoo?”
    I said “No I’ve been beating my …um…”

  125. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Bloody clever stuff Will T.

  126. Dr. Goose says:

    A fellow would constantly hum
    To the beat of a tympani drum.
    Though he knew the libretto,
    “The words are too ghetto,”
    Said he, “for the class that I’m from.”

  127. Dr. Goose says:

    A fellow would constantly hum
    The chorus from “Under My Thumb,”
    He said, with a swagger,
    “My moves are like Jagger;
    Just see how I’m shaking my bum.”

  128. Dr. Goose says:

    A fellow would constantly hum
    A song about life in the slum.
    Envisioning Elvis,
    He’d wiggle his pelvis,
    And tried to look sexy and glum.

  129. Dr. Goose says:

    A woman would constantly hum:
    “California, here I do come,”
    Though secretly vexed
    To not know the text
    Which she should, as a Berkeley alum.

  130. Dr. Goose says:

    A woman would constantly hum:
    “Tada dum tada dum tada dum.”
    Occasionally,
    She’d hum “Lada dee,”
    For a bit, just to change it up some.

  131. Dr. Goose says:

    A woman would constantly hum
    While under the power of rum.
    When sipping her whiskey,
    She’d often get frisky,
    So everyone offered her some.

  132. Edmund Conti says:

    My brain is beginning to hum
    I’ve read all the lim’ricks. (Well, some.)
    One more would repeat
    That importunate beat
    Ta da dum, ta da dum, ta da dum

  133. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A song writer started to hum
    A tune in his head that had come
    Then he added some shit
    And it became a big hit
    But as usual the lyrics were dumb

  134. Edmund Conti says:

    I don’t know the words so I’ll hum.
    Hum hum ditty hum ditty hum.
    Hum hum ditty hum
    Hum hum ditty hum
    Hum hum ditty f-word hum hum.

  135. Edmund Conti says:

    Picking up on Mad’s shower limerick:

    My muse often wakes in the shower
    (Well, that’s what I call my small tower)
    I lather it–yup.
    I lather, it’s up.
    Sometimes I am there for an hour.

  136. @Steve Whitred

    I struggled and struggled and came up with the wrong answer yet again:

    I’ve worked on Steve’s problem, and I’m
    Fairly certain I’ve got it this time.
    It seems that the key,
    Is dividing in three…
    Let me work out the puzzle in rhyme:

    Put THREE and THREE pieces of eight
    On the scales, and determine their weight.
    If you notice one stack
    is a bit out of whack,
    Put a new pile of three on one plate.

    Now, if *these* piles are equal, you’ve proved
    That the pile of three coins you removed
    Almost certainly had one
    That must be the bad one,
    And weighing that pile is behooved.

    But if those first piles are the same,
    Do you see the next step of the game?
    Simply weigh the next set.
    If they’re equal, you bet
    That pile four has the coin that’s to blame.

    By using this method, you see,
    The third step will always have THREE.
    So just weigh one and one.
    If they’re equal, you’re done…
    If they’re not, you know which it must be.

    Is this the conclusion? Not quite:
    Which coin that’s unbalanced is right?
    That’s no trouble at all!
    You just need to recall
    If your last batch was heavy or light.

    Now off to the answer we hum:
    To the final test weighing we come.
    If you’re on the *fourth* batch,
    And the measures don’t match,
    Then that means that the answer is… ummmm…

    … ummmmm…

    … UMMMMM…

    OK. I admit that I’m stuck.
    In *this* case I’m shit out of luck.
    For (son of a bitch!)
    We don’t know which is which;
    Guess this puzzle’s defeated me. Fuck.

  137. @Sue:

    Farmer Juan has to be on his toes
    And take care where his lonely cock goes.
    For el gallo would sneak
    To the hens for a peek…
    With one peek, oh! De gallo arroz.

  138. Sue Dulley says:

    @Will:

    Whatever el gallo gets into
    That in chickenland “trouble”‘s akin to
    If Juan (or Jack!) knows
    To mix beans with arroz
    He’ll never become gallo pinto.

  139. Sue Dulley says:

    (My own solution to Steve’s puzzle from last week – don’t read if you are still working on it. Or Steve, please correct me if I’ve overlooked something. H stands for ‘suspected heavy’ and L for ‘suspected light’.

    And Mad – I know I’m breaking all the rhyming rules. Sorry.

    The first step is taking the weight
    Of four against four on each plate.
    That narrows it down
    To four (weight unknown)
    Or four “H” and four “L” which makes eight.

    In the former case, weigh any three
    Of the suspects with 3 known to be
    Standard weight; this will tell
    If the group’s “H” or “L”
    And from there it’s not hard, you’ll agree.

    In the latter case, one must reduce
    The 8 suspects to 3 or a deuce
    One set of which hold
    The one that’s not gold -
    A solvable group to produce.

    So you load two “H” coins and a “Light”
    On each side, the left and the right,
    If one side weighs bigger
    That helps you to figure
    Three coins (or two spare “L”s) to fight.

    If now down to three, and you know
    Which way each is suspected to go
    You just pick a pair
    That might match, weigh them; there
    Is your answer. (I *think* this is so.)

  140. Sue Dulley says:

    Okay it just *seems* like it was last week that Steve posted the puzzle.

  141. Johanna Richmond says:

    Since the 3rd, I’ve been hearing a hum
    By a man 94 years and some.
    Full of love, this big-leaguer’s
    Still flowering; Seeger’s
    A legend as great as they come.

  142. Radnoft Pladzictki says:

    Man’s torso will grumble and hum
    With Mexican food in his Tum
    It reverberates around
    With a gurgling sound
    Then exits his bum with a “Brrrrrrrrum!”

  143. Edmund Conti says:

    Oh, where are the singers, bell-ringers
    To applaud all these snappy sharp zingers?
    Give them lots of applause
    And why? Well because
    We have such a great slew of hum-dingers.

  144. Radnoft Pladzictki says:

    ATerrorist was annoyed with the hum
    Of the bomb they’d installed in his bum
    So while adjusting it’s ticking
    It started in clicking
    And blew him to Kingdom come.

  145. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, the Puzzle/Repartee Award Winners, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 112

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Trips