UPDATE – NEW DEADLINE: JUNE 25 Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SHOW at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: June 25, 2022)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SHOW at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TRICKS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TRICKS-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
FAIL LOUD POP LAWYER SACK
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on June 26, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you four full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 25, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my SHOW-rhyme limerick:
Though my recall is poor, I don’t mind,
Cuz forgetting can sometimes be kind:
It might “freshen” a show,
Whose plot I should know
From a book that my mem’ry can’t find.
And here’s my TRICKS-themed limerick:
A magician was stressed out and sick.
He needed a remedy — quick:
“I can’t cancel my show!
It’s sold out — ev’ry row.”
A massage and Bordeaux did the trick.
And here is my RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR Limerick:
A lawyer’s been working non-stop
To defend an old fellow — a cop.
But alas, he has failed,
And the cop is now jailed.
Worst of all, that old cop is his pop.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Anxiety and Stress, Books Humor, Books Limerick, Competition Limerick, Lawyer Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Magic Humor, Magic Limerick, Magician, Memory Humor, Memory Limerick, Mothers & Fathers Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Shows Humor, Shows Limerick, Stress Humor, Stress Limerick, Tricks Humor, Tricks Limerick, Writing Prompts
Although he’s my number-one crony,
My dog’s not a dog; he’s a phony.
He knows how to sit.
And that’s about it.
He’s really a stealth one-trick pony.
“The Unhappy Prosecutor”
After one single date, we are through!
Though a lawyer, I don’t have a clue.
Seems I just fail to get
Why the girls get upset.
Whenever I say, “Is it true?”
Instructions
Ms. Virgin, now I get on top.
Don’t worry, you won’t be a flop.
“V” laid on her back.
She stayed right on track.
In one minute, I heard a loud pop.
OR: 3 Random Words (line 3)
MS. Virgin, now I get on top.
Don’t worry; you won’t be a flop.
“V” got in the sack.
She stayed right on track.
In one minute, I heard a loud pop.
He has a set type, my friend Ben:
he’s always preferred older men.
A silver-haired guy
puts a gleam in his eye;
soon he’s up to his old tricks again!
Though the conjurer’s tricks are so neat,
His assistant just can’t make ends meet.
But he’s taught her a lot,
And she really is hot,
So she’s out turning tricks on the strret.
Said Abbott, “We should be recruiting
More cops – it’s a fact, no disputing.”
They heard a loud pop.
“What’s that?” asked the cop.
Greg said “Oh, just another school shooting.”
Said a girl at the Chelsea Flower Show,
“Let me tell you about my new beau.
In that soft bed I’ve got,
He goes rooting a lot,
And my goodness, he’s got a big hoe.”
(If only …)
The lawyer was trying to show
That his client had tried to say “No!”
To the Capitol mob,
But he failed at his job,
So to prison the Donald must go.
“I’ve just had the best time with my beau,
And I’m still all aglow. Does it show?”
“Well, the Cheshire Cat smile
Kinda stands out a mile,
And you’re singing. Apart from that, no.”
On Sundays, a long time ago
The day would drag on very slow.
Yet at night we would wait
For the clock to strike eight.
To watch the famed “really big show”
(Eastern Standard Time :)
“When you’ve done what you know that you shouldn’t,
Even though you had promised you wouldn’t,
Guilt convinces it shows,
And that everyone knows …
“I did try to resist, but I couldn’t.”
In twenty sixteen, I would go
On dates with my “sweetie poo” Joe.
Then come home at eight
To watch the debate
Which was after the Lord Mayor’s show.
“This old dog is still learning new tricks
And new ways of attracting old chicks.
One arm handstands are out –
Though impressive, no doubt –
And Kung Fu and theatrical kicks.”
My love life sure fills me with woe.
I’m nowhere near being a pro.
It’s truly a sin
That I never can win.
I don’t even place, I just show.
Over entrance exams, Pete prevailed,
But the “SAT” wasn’t all he had nailed.
So among all the rest
Was a DNA test —
The pop quiz he prayed he had failed.
I remember that night in New York.
It was New Year’s, we jerks popped the cork.
Then we all smoked some crack.
I wound up in the sack.
Nine months later, along came the stork.
Richard Nixon was known for his tricks.
Along with his Cabinet picks
He lied and brought hate
About Watergate,
And the name Tricky Dick now still sticks.
Johnny fails ev’ry test; it’s unreal.
Guess for learnin’ he ain’t got much zeal.
Though I have a smart clue
That it may be due to
Them Pop Tarts he eats for each meal.
Horse races – where everyone hollers.
Winning does not require scholars.
To conserve all my dough
I bet favorites to show.
When I win, I get back my two dollars.
I failed a sobriety test.
I was rude and opposed an arrest.
My lawyer, “The Beast”
Asked, “Why’d ja go East
In the lane where the drivers go West?
To Make It More Aggressive: (L4)
I failed a sobriety test.
I was rude and opposed an arrest.
My lawyer, “The Beast”
Said, “You jerk! you went East!
In the lane where the drivers go West.
An old writer turned flasher explained,
When the ladies he’d flashed had complained,
“More effective to show
Than to tell, don’t you know?”
On the strength of which, he was arraigned.
The audience watched spellbound in awe
As the magician wielded his giant saw
Through the box he did slice
Once, twice and thrice
And the cabbage was transformed to coleslaw
In summer during my morning go,
windows are more open than no.
If I’m not too careful,
I’ll walk by more careful
and give all the neighbors a show!
The basset hound won best in show.
Although wanting in “get up and go,”
Which had long gone and went,
He got points for his scent.
(Though he stinks, when he sniffs, he’s a pro.)
Candy’s known for one thing: Turning tricks.
As a “pro,” she’s an expert in dicks.
She’s now written a guide
With some tips that provide
Some instructions on squeezes and licks.
Virgie always had heard that young boys,
When popping girls’ cherries, made noise.
But now, flat on her back,
With her first, in the sack,
She was struck by Dov’s relative poise.
I felt achy so I went to see
My doctor Synovial Lee.
So amazed and in awe
From the X-Ray he saw
A rabbit trapped in my trick knee.
The madam has one place to look
And find each appointment she took.
Her ledger has all
Of the clients who call;
She knows ev’ry trick in the book.
The cat thinks it’s chill
It must give him a thrill
To watch a steamy show
Between the madam and her beau
All from the window sill
A mime fails in his job should he blurt,
An opinion, or ever assert,
One word in oration,
But on his vacation,
He’s permitted to wear a loud shirt.
1964: “Confusion”
“Let’s go to a great Broadway show.
It’s where all the rich people go”
Though he wasn’t real smart,
He did steal my heart.
On the roof top I fiddled with Joe.
He had always been good in the sack,
But one night that was stormy and black
His lovemaking failed.
His date duly bailed.
She lit out, and she never came back.
A curious woman named Flo
Tied a bell to the dick of her beau.
Now she’s always knowing
He’s coming or going
Or if he’s enjoying the show.
A young woman, who chose to turn tricks,
Was asked why, given most men are pricks.
She replied, “What inspired,
And the thing I admired,
Was potential for growth in those dicks.”
Pop’s sick in the sack, and I vowed
To be quiet, but now I am cowed
From the beating I got
Cause I sneezed a whole lot.
I’ve been grounded for cryin’ out loud.
(3 Randoms)
While hauling a grocery sack,
A loud pop had me taken aback.
That plastic bag’s fail
Made my blood pressure sail;
A lawyer’s about to attack.
1956
Sexy Marilyn starred in “Bus Stop”
We agreed it was truly a flop.
It failed to delight.
Just never took flight.
Cuz the corn at the Strand didn’t pop.
A draft horse is not very loud,
But this animal is very proud.
He is not there for show.
His reward you may know.
A feed sack, when field has been plowed.
True story.
I once owned a horse who did tricks.
One came in a package of six.
With hot weather – the worst.
So to combat his thirst.
He drank beer from a bottle – for kicks.
On first date, at the movies (back row);
He tried-on the ‘come-on’ with Flo.
Half-undressed; became stressed
when his ‘come’ missed and messed,
as the house-lights came on. What a show!
He said at the amateur show:
“Not sure about how this will go.
Up next on the stand,
Is a family band
That likes to sing songs they don’t know.”
Their set was a musical gaffe;
Each warble received a big laugh.
Believe it or not,
The ovation they got
Included the judges and staff.
(Show and Tricks. 2 verses).
I went to a weird winter show
Where some artists all drew, in the snow.
The point of their tricks
Was they never used sticks,
But would flop-out their dicks and just, – Go!
Those tricks were not All, (it would seem),
Cuz to top-off the milk, there’s the cream.
Now it’s all ‘Milk & honey’:
Trick-pricks pissing money,
As Pay-TV queues to Live-Stream.
I did many card tricks in my youth.
Fooled people with cunning and sleuth.
When young it was fun,
But those days are done.
Now I’m too long in the tooth.
Mr. Nuts :
Mr. Nuts had a queer cello.
That looked like a big round jello.
His show had a strange stalk.
As if he had a sex walk
Looking for a bed with a bedfellow .
She seduced me (oh boy, what a show)
By removing her clothes nice and slow.
I believed she was drawn
By my good looks and brawn;
Later on I found out she’s a pro.
A magician revealed an old trick:
“When you’re sawing up ladies, be quick!
If you dawdle when you
Cut assistants in two,
Then one half will be calling in sick.”
1928: Like A Dream Come True!
Once it made its debut, the world stopped!
The housewives were thrilled while they shopped!
Although very loud,
Wow! it sure pleased the crowd.
(So enthralled when it snapped, crackled, popped.)
When an angry boss gives me the sack,
I won’t fail in my counter-attack.
I don’t pop off out loud,
‘Cause for that I’m too proud,
But “Old bag!” I’ll mouth, straight to his back.
The “recovering lawyer” has vowed
That she’ll be very fair to this crowd.
If you’re eager to win,
You should make Mad’leine grin.
And hope she will then L-O-LOUD.
How my love for her ever did grow!
She agreed to a date, so you know.
I got some great flowers
And waited for hours,
But sadly she never did show.
A gal who did tricks, would affix
Special labels to pic’s of Old Dicks.
Wanting sex, coast-to-coast, –
And her ‘Fave’ (she would boast)
Was an Aussie named “Root, Sixty-Six”.
Tricks
If the “vanishing act” is done right,
It’s really a spine-tingling fright.
“The Great I’ve No Clue”
Wow! he knew what to do.
Cause the house always vanished from sight.
correction of limerick: June 1st. 1:39 PM “1928”
Once it made its debut, the world stopped!
All the housewives were thrilled while they shopped.
Though it sounded real loud,
Wow! did it please the crowd!
When it snapped, and it crackled, then popped.
Pro-gun wingnuts are pitching a fit:
“Ban the doors, not the guns!” is their bit.
How can people not know
This is all a big show,
Viz., a show made completely of shit?
You know that you’re old when you flop
In a chair, then fall off and go “plop”
Or when you’re RIGHT THERE,
And your kids discuss, “Where
Is the best nursing home for failed Pop?
I could hear a loud pop like the crack,
of a gun, and not fear an attack.
Such was “Old Radio,”
When the prop for a show,
Was hot air from a burst paper sack.
“Who Said Seniors Can’t Dance?”
Joe and I are still doin’ The Hop.
And we both do a really mean bop.
But Joe in the sack
Doesn’t have a great knack.
(Wish his weasel would finally pop.)
(All randoms)
Two Limerick-town friends, -Jill & Jack,
Were loud all the time in the sack.
With their rhythm, a Fail,
Lawyers Popped them in jail
For mis-timing their Limbs’ 6/8 knack.
D’you remember that callow Tom Sawyer?
Today he’s an infamous lawyer.
What of Becky, his girl,
Whom he once gave a whirl?
She turns tricks every night in her foyer.
I’ve a transgender poodle called Trix;
He’s afflicted with lice and with ticks.
And since he was a pup
He just can’t get it up
Which is why he’s a flop with the chicks.
A carnival is a big show.
Where folks of all ages would go.
With ring toss and ice-creams,
Side shows and pipe dreams.
They soon say goodby to their dough.
Many years ago, pop was a cop.
On to motorcycle he would hop.
His engine (quite loud).
Near stop sign – he vowed.
To chase motorists who fail to stop.
Della Street and her genteel employer —
A fifties-style pop hero lawyer —
Never got to talk smack,
Or be loud in the sack.
(Surely, that never failed to annoy her).
Tricks with some numbers deceivin’.
This phrase reads the same (I’m believin’).
When read (front to back),
Or a (back to front) track.
Behold the line “never odd or even”.
Mad, please delete my previous (6.49pm).
I have doubts… ‘think my writing style’s poor.
Friends encourage, and say “…should write more”.
I’ve not much to show
(unlike Shakespeare, or Poe)
All I know is, – I’m sure I’m not Shaw.
Yelled the moochers demanding a sweet
As I opened my door: “Trick or treat!”
But my costume as Trump
Scared the kids, made them jump —
And they beat a retreat down the street.
In golf you will often hear cries.
Over errant golf shots and bad lies.
The cries you should know
Are often for show.
For worst lies, the score card takes prize.
Said a priest when the charges were laid
that he sinned a deal more than he prayed,
“I screw choirboys, yes,
but each night I confess —
It’s one of the tricks of my trade.”
One magician, a consummate pro,
Brought the house down. (But where did it go?).
Both his top hat and hare,
Vanished into thin air…
And he ended up stealing the show.
So a modern-day trait that we show,
Is to start evry sentence with “So”.
So I’m starting a trend
To use “So!” at the END
Of each phrase, kind of “Thus“, – but more “Yo!”
My husband’s a lawyer, (so bright)
And believe it or not, we don’t fight.
If we did, I would fail,
Cuz his view would prevail.
Right or wrong, he’s been trained to be right.
In baseball he always just bunts.
In football he usually punts.
There are no loud ovations
From fans or relations.
In the sack, though, this guy does great stunts.
My husband’s a lawyer, a pro.
He suspects I’ve been cheating and so
He says, “Please confirm
I sit down and squirm.
Then his voice gets real loud: “Yes or No?”
Correction of above limerick
My husband’s a lawyer, a pro.
He suspects I’ve been cheating, and so
He asked, “Is it true?
That you sneaked out to screw?
Then his voice got real loud, YES OR NO?”
“Senior Apartment Living”
My neighbors say, “You’re too loud. Stop!”
I don’t listen, it helps when I bop.
Cause it’s real lonely here,
Though my 2 friends live near:
Dr. Pepper and Ms. Skinny Pop.
Pop hollers so loud that he wails.
His hygiene law always prevails.
When we moved to Capri,
Something great came to be:
All the children stopped biting their nails.
Ari Rover can sniff out a hack.
He barks loud, and is always on track.
Right after the Seder,
He caught the invader:
A non-kosher cat in the sack.
His life was all on the wrong track
Addicted to weed, wine and crack
Arrested and gaoled
His plea bargain failed
So he just gave his lawyer the sack.
The clam to perform (was their wish).
Then he clamed up, that fickle ol shellfish.
He refused as we know,
To be in the show.
This shellfish I think was quite selfish.
A beat cop was given the sack
‘Cause he kept popping out for a snack,
Scarfing doughnuts and pie.
Then he failed to grasp why
In a foot chase he couldn’t do jack.
A tricky prick-of-a-hick we’ll call Nick
Had a dick the same length as a brick.
It matched Nick’s ugly head, –
Being textured, and red
And, (as it turns out) just as thick.
After fun in the back seat with Flo
He drives back to his flat all aglow.
Then goes home on Sund’ys
When Mum washes undies
And prays that the stain doesn’t show.
Movie theater experience we know.
Is the best way to watch a new show?
Sticky floors (often cold),
Constant talkers you scold,
And tickets and snacks (so much dough).
(Randoms: Pop & Sack)
My Pop met a great gal, – a Prima
Ballerina, -she’s from Ipanema.
When She’s on her toes
He forgets all his woes.
On (his) point in the sack she’s a screamer.
“Walk-in Movie Night” meant time to go,
With our Pop (biggest sad sack I know).
On the ground, settled down,
Near a billboard in town,
He’d ask, “How you kids likin’ the show?”
Ordered in from The Sushi Zen Shack.
Food arrived; I was taken aback.
Boy! did I have the blues!
Cuz they failed to send booze.
(Or maybe I misspelled the Sack)
My best trick when I leave, I take care.
To keep track of near restrooms (their rare).
But my dog, he just knows
That wherever he goes.
Well, he will just go anywhere.
Saw The Lady In Half
T onight I’ll let you do my show.
R ecall where the blade has to go.
I f you don’t, she will die.
C ause the frame must be high.
K eep steady and look out below!
Changed word in line 4
My best trick when I leave, I take care.
To keep track of near restrooms (their rare).
But my dog, he just knows
That anywhere he goes.
Well, he will just go anywhere.
My Life is one big sack of woe:
No lover, no home and no dough.
Others live loud and proud;
I live under a cloud,
Then it rains! No one cares, – Status Quo.
It’s no secret, and I really know
That yours is too little to show;
But I’ll show you mine.
You’ll find it divine,
And your love for me surely will grow.
A lawyer jumped out of the sack.
Had heard a loud pop and a crack.
He let out a wail,
Afraid it would fail,
But smiled when his dick was intact.
Asked Theo, “I just need to know,
‘The reason you’re painting so slow”;
“You’ll have to come near
‘To where I can hear,”
Replied one-eared Vincent van Gogh.
(All randoms)
A failed lawyer lived under a cloud
With a noisy pop-art-loving crowd.
He was caught with a sack,
Stealing shirts (from a rack),
All with colours excessively loud.
Trick: Halloween
I go “trick or treating” with Jack.
I love him, but sometimes he’s slack.
But on this special day
I’ll get my own way.
It’s a guaranteed treat in the sack.
She dumped “lawyer” and “pop” in the hopper;
Added “fail,” “sack,” and “loud” as a topper.
This is cheating, I know,
Does she think it won’t show?
Meddling Muse! How I wish I could stop her.
As a boy I had many a trick.
I could tell you the card that you pick.
Well I am no sage,
But now wisdom with age.
I can tell your a card or a dick.
Court lawyers have one predilection
Which echoes in ev’ry direction.
It’s clear and it’s loud.
Always startles the crowd.
And leads to a widespread “Objection!”
UPDATE – NEW DEADLINE: JUNE 25
Calm down, do not cry, have no fears.
Just because you’re in heavy arrears.
Your failure to pay
Will not cause dismay.
When that mystical lawyer appears.
He watched weeds on his lawn grow and grow,
The poet we all know as Poe;
As the sight became worse
He resorted to verse,
Ravin’ in lines that quoth “Never mow!”
Next Chapter
Heard your brakes failed, my sweet darling Sue.
Ignore all the pain; you’ll get through.
You’ve endured quite a lot.
But a lawyer you’ll spot
Popping up from right out of the blue.
A miserly Texan called Hank
Was so pleased when his water use shrank
(On account of a trick –
In the cistern – a brick)
That he built a wall in his gas tank.
Two dim tourists had chosen to park
In Chernobyl’s old grounds for a lark.
Now their new party trick
Is Lights Out with a flick
Cuz their dangly bits glow in the dark.
Mama goes like, “You really should go.
To see like a really good show”
She goes,” How ’bout this week?
It’s like called “How To Speak”
I go, “Mama, the answer’s like no”
I may sack my Zen diet. It’s crummy.
Plus the mantra I’ve chosen is “yummy.”
So now I’m inclined,
To empty my mind,
Without failing to fill up my tummy.
Poor Tom got suddenly sacked
They said it was smarts that he lacked
But Tom proved them wrong
With a lawsuit so strong
That a tidy sum he’d extract.
My director, the “Arrogant Russ”
Said, “MS. Vain you must not make a fuss.
You must bake for this show”
But the one way I know
Is to cook while the kids miss the bus.
Trump popped out of the sack with great glee.
He had trademarked the whole GOP!
With so much more to own,
He made notes on his phone:
“Person, man, woman, camera, TV.”
In heaven, as all of us know,
The pace is both tranquil and slow.
But I find that boring.
For a good time that’s roaring —
Down below, it’s a hell of a show.
“Earns his pay on the stage, -don’t you know,
Though to stay on the page is his woe.”
Said his good friend, Will Spooner,
(A secretive mooner)
His advice: “You should go, – a good show”
Cut-rate plumbers dubbed Dumber and Dumb,
Popped on over to my place to plumb
Leaky pipes. Since they failed
To bring tools, I surveilled,
And was happy to see they chewed gum.
After many loud protests from jail,
The lawyer’s escape was a fail.
He popped into a sack
In a truck, out the back
Which (it turned out) was incoming mail.
A band that we all used to know
Arrived for their very last show.
The calendar’s mark
On the moment was stark;
Those walkers were rollin’ real slow.
We hugged and we kissed at the show.
Then he asked, “Will you marry me, Flo?”
I said, “yes”, but things changed
He became so deranged
When he found out my Internet’s slow.
He told her “I have a new trick
Involving a Popsicle stick.
I’ll give you a hint:
It is used as a splint.”
She thought “this is gonna be sick.”
“Ta-Da!” then he started to sing;
Unveiling his taut ding-a-ling.
Her response, with a smirk:
“Hey you know, that might work;
If gals with a valve are your thing.”
A two-week extension decreed!
I guess that’s what all of us need.
So now we can show
That we really know
How to write a good lim’rick indeed.
I hate Carol; she’s mean as can be.
She calls me “the freak from the sea”
On trick or treat night
I flipped out with fright.
She said she came dressed up as me.
“I have been indiscreet, as you know,
And am tensed now, awaiting the blow.
And I done for, d’you?
Will there be a big stink?”
“Only time and the tabloids will show.”
Change of line 4 , 1:11 PM today (clarifies it better)
I hate Carol; she’s mean as can be.
She calls me “the freak from the sea”
On “trick or treat” night
EEK! She gave me a fright.
Then told me she’s dressed up as me.
Not wanting a fail in the sack,
She popped a blue pill from the pack.
Then reading out loud
The disclaimers, she vowed:
No lawyer’s disbarring my Jack.
Elision has its place, but I think it’s better with. (Thanks, Rudy!)
“I have been indiscreet, as you know,
And am tensed now, awaiting the blow.
And I done for, d’you think?
Will there be a big stink?”
“Only time and the tabloids will show.”
For a poker-faced pro like old Flo,
Five-card stud is a game that’s too slow.
The minute she antes.
She strips off her panties.
It’s a “tell” that means, “On with the show!”
“The Day Before The Hearing”
My defense lawyer blew a big fuse.
He said, “Timmy! you jerk, you might lose
Your case, land in jail.
Wear long sleeves or you’ll fail
To hide all those Nazi tattoos.”
The illusionist’s aide, in collusion
With the artist, created confusion
In the mind of the viewer
Who, completely unsure,
Found it hard to believe the conclusion.
An escalator’s trick (just theirs).
Is not that they don’t need repairs.
But here is the key,
When broken you see.
It will transform into stairs.
My cat likes to put on a show.
Will chase feathers on string, every throw.
As I dangle the cord,
He soon will get bored.
The problem it seems…I’m too slow.
For outdoor encounters, they’d go
To somewhere nobody would know.
Their love hideaway?
Here’s the site – just hit ‘play’;
‘Cuz smart phones are running the show.
On your mark! Now get set! Ladies go!
It’s now intermission, Oh No!
That queue makes you sick.
So try this cool trick:
Yell, “Pregnant!” (you won’t miss the show)
And if that doesn’t work, try this one:
On your mark! Now get set! Ladies, go!
It’s now intermission, but OH!
That queue makes you sick!
So try this cool trick:
Yell, “My water broke!” Watch out below!”
SHOW
My grandfather asked me to show
The right way to use his new hoe
So for what it was worth
I made it push earth
When I’d finished he still didn’t know.
TRICKS
So I then changed the hoe for a pick
And this seemed an appropriate trick
I dug deep in the soil
And found lots of oil
From an an uderground pipe with a snick.
FAIL, LOUD, POP, LAWYER, SACK
The pipe had gone pop then it failed
Made my neighbor so cross that he railed
The lawyer he called
Was completely appalled
So I was lucky I just wasn’t nailed!
My dog has a real way with words
His eloquence now rivals the birds.
He’s as smart as they come,
But pretends that he’s dumb, –
Indiscriminately laying his turds.
I taught some new tricks to my dog
It took ages, in fact, a real slog.
First, I taught him to read
Then to rhyme. Yes indeed!
Now his lim’ricks he sends to Mad’s blog.
Guess you’ve heard that my dog’s got no nose, –
He can’t smell, so in circles he goes.
Doesn’t know any tricks;
Can’t even fetch sticks,
But he does write great lim’ricks and prose.
There’s a programme for those in the know
Supervised by some towheaded schmoe
Some say it’s encrypted
Or just badly scripted
But sit back and decipher the show
The clown poured out his bag of tricks
Also, his large pickup sticks
They were broken in half
The people started to laugh
Then calls him a no talent prick
He tried to put on a show
Failed, he wasn’t paid his doe
He stomped the ground hard
Even lost his leg part
He looked like an angry crow
The Donald is up to old tricks;
There’s nothing that lying can’t fix.
So nobody’s stunned
His “election fraud” fund
Is fake; he just does it for kicks.
My Canine plays baseball, – it’s true!
His catching’s impressive (who knew?)
But batting? No show, –
Strikes out at each go,
So I think I’ll rename him K2.
* A strikeout in Australia is scored as a K2 (not K).
Upstairs, they’re so loud in the sack.
We needed a way to get back.
We bought us some stilts.
Put our heads on the quilts.
Danced the Stomp, (a cool ceiling attack.)
“What A Bitch”
I used all my super-brain powers:
Presented my lawyer with flowers.
She had a great rack,
So we got in the sack.
(All counted as billable hours.)
Better Limerick: “What A Bitch”
I used my great super brain powers.
Presented my lawyer with flowers.
Since she has a nice rack,
We hopped in the sack.
(All counted as billable hours.)
Since the walls were so thin in our shack,
I could hear Mom and Pop in the sack.
She’s say loudly, “Go slow!”
Or, “Not there — that’s too low!”
(He must have been scratching her back).
Ops! Typo: Line 2 above: “She’d” (not She’s).
And Mad thinks she has trouble with HER muse. Mine tells me to
proofread AFTER I submit.
“Did you ever go dancin’, Pop Pop?”
“Sure, Billy, we loved to Bop Bop.
When the music was loud,
We’d call up the crowd.
And all do the “Bunny Hop Hop”
You’ll never know how I miss Pop.
I would sit on his lap, and go “plop”
Till his pacemaker failed,
With his last breath he wailed:
“You’re 30 yrs. old, dammit, Stop!”
“After 50 Years Of Marriage”
Pop told me he can’t live without her.
And he’s certain he never should doubt her.
He told me sweet tales.
Yet he said he still fails
To understand one thing about her.
“Don’t Try This If You’re Over Sixty” (You may have drippy results)
“The Bunny Hop’s easy, ” said Pop.
“Left foot out, then back in, (twice) and stop!
Do the same with the right;
Then shout loud with delight:
“Get ready. Get set. Hop Hop Hop”
Young Oedipus, once out to shop,
Had a mishap. He knocked off his pop.
Then without any qualm
He knocked up his mom.
That sad sack’s whole day was a flop.
A revision to my 6/13 7:51pm post:
Not wanting to fail in the sack,
He popped a blue pill from his pack.
While reading out loud
The disclaimers she vowed:
“Those lawyers can’t screw with us, Jack!”
Viking exchanges were bold,
Over long distance I’m told.
Their profile was low.
Didn’t want a big show.
So they often would use a Norse code.
“Show And Tell”
In preschool, I stood up to show
Mommy’s rocket, she calls “Mr. Whoa”
She said that her ship
“Takes a heavenly trip.
And then after, a “real starry glow.”
Better line 3
Young Oedipus, once out to shop,
Had a mishap. He knocked off his pop.
Then with nary a qualm
He knocked up his mom.
That sad sack’s whole day was a flop
At “The Cheat On Your Husband Kitsch Show,”
He said, “Try me out. I’m a pro!”
Though he did go to Yale,
He had a red tail.
(Hmm, better the devil I know.)
A tortoise was tricked in the past.
Jumped by four snails, then asked.
If he would confide,
Their description (replied).
“I don’t know it all happened so fast”.
Although she’s the star of “La Show”
And paid countless oodles of dough,
I still hope that she
Will come work for me.
I must give her a golden hello.
On Rudy’s “Young Oedipus”: I was lollong; now I’m LOL-ing.
A guy in the sack with his Momma,
After killing his Pop may be drama;
But the tale of Oed Rex
Wasn’t all that complex,
Until Freud turned it into a trauma.
“lollong” defined: Lolling for long periods of time before LOL-ing.
It’s related to “typong”: making a typo while singing a song. I’ll go away now.
Sjaan: LOL!! Now for my limerick.
“1950”
We’d sit in his car and we’d spoon.
Till it hit me! He’s married to June!
I heard a loud sound.
And SURE ENOUGH found
My shriveled and popped out balloon.
We are constantly in quite a fix
When attempting our linguistic tricks.
(And it’s not just the rhymes
That frustrate us at times),
We stress out when we write limer-Ricks.
Some people are willing to show
As much as the world needs to know.
Seattle is where
Summer Solstice will share
Those bikers all painted aglow.
(Yep, in Fremont there’s always a blue moon in June)
Slight change to the above:
Some people are willing to show
Way more than the world needs to know.
Seattle is where
Summer Solstice will share
Those bikers all painted aglow.
(Yep, in Fremont there’s always a blue moon in June)
Have you heard that “The Donald” is back
On T.V. with a whole different tack?
To thrill a big crowd,
He will now yell out loud:
“You’re not fired; You’re gettin’ the sack.”
A scientist with magnetic balls,
Wears a dress when he stalks in the malls.
He lifts it to show
What he has down below,
But he doesn’t attract, he appalls.
The hard hats make loud noise at dawn.
It sounds like they’re right on your lawn.
They’ve an uncanny knack:
When you rouse from your sack.
Their work is all done and they’re gone.
Sjaan, Sjaan, come back, Sjaan.
King Oedipus thought it was best
To give all that incest a rest,
So his mother cum wife,
The love of his life,
Jocasta got kinda depressed.
Hey Mad,
What is in need of moderation? Incest is a bad word?
Rudy
**************
Your limerick is now visible.
Ah. I see big brother doesn’t speak Latin.
cum
/ko͝om,kəm/
preposition
combined with; also used as (used to describe things with a dual nature or function)
My dear Rudy, I fear if I go,
Deeper into these subjects, I’ll show,
Now that Latin is “dead,”
And incest lacks cred,
There is nothing of either I know.
I failed that goddamn driving test!
It was fixed, cuz I sure did my best!
But I’ve evened the score.
If you choose to know more,
Ask my lawyer; he’ll tell you the rest!
The “bed trick” is a traditional literary plot device wherein one partner in a sexual liaison is secretly swapped out for another person. Or, to state it in limerick form:
What’s a bed trick? You hop into bed
For a roll with your squeeze. But instead,
Someone’s pulled off a switch.
You can’t tell (that’s the hitch).
You’ve been badly mislaid and misled.
Who Is This Guessing Game! “Tricks”
He was young, but he learned his lines quick.
Had to practice a real yucky trick:
To suture a chicken
Not real finger lickin’
Yet it didn’t make Dr. H. sick.
(hint: Rock On!)
Tricks: Another Guessing Game Who Is This?
The blue birds wake up very early.
They’re sought by this cute little girlie.
No one knew of the trick
Bout’ the hair that was slick.
Which ev’ry one thought was real curly.
(The hint is in line one)
Oh Sjaan, I am willing to show
You some things that you don’t seem to know.
We’ll do French. We’ll do Greek
Latin too, cheek to cheek.
I’ll explain it to you blow by blow.
It’s hard to climb up ev’ry cloud.
But the cops popped right up and were proud.
They passed on a complaint.
With impressive restraint.
Bout’ “The Joyful Noise” being too loud.
Correction of Above Limerick
It’s hard to climb up ev’ry cloud.
But the cops popped right up and were proud.
With impressive restraint,
They passed on a complaint
‘Bout “The Joyful Noise” being too loud.
Young Norm’ found a ‘thing’ all aglow
By mum’s bed; “What a buzz!” (She won’t know).
It was charged; in its socket,
And stood like a rocket,
So he took it to school Tell & Show.
Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends Saturday, June 25, at 4 pm (Eastern time.)
Two verses (tricks)
A blind prude in the crowd, was confused.
Shouts of “banging” and “balls” (not amused).
This utter depravity
En masse, of such gravity
The cops (he called), came (sirens used).
They found, at this scene at “The Malls”,
A magician inciting those calls.
He had rummaged about
In his pants, and pulled out
Newton’s cradle with five shiny balls.
He discredited all former theses
That dealt with the birth of our species.
Darwin managed to show
Evolution was slow.
Other stories are simply bull feces.
“Hey Pop”, said Laertes to me,
“I won’t fail to remember, you’ll see.
I will always endeavor
To never, not ever,
A lender nor borrower be.”
Nature tricks you in Iceland’s cold heart.
It’ll quickly freeze solid, a fart.
And it’s still just as loud
When it thaws to a cloud
While you wait, with your cheeks wedged apart.
I sent this yesterday , but I didn’t see it here, so I’m sending it again:
Show:
In this big world they have different joys,
In their need of happiness they use toys:
With a different show,
There is no need to know;
While some use life buoys, some use Rolls Royce.
Some folk are like Slinkies: No cares;
Pretty useless, and dumb, – unawares.
But there’s one thing I know:
They still make your smile show
When you give them a push down the stairs.
Now the deadline’s approaching! Oh no!
I so wanted to give it a go,
But my time’s running out
And I really do doubt
If I’ll have something decent to show.
“Tell me all about Donald Trump, Pop.
Was it really great being on top?”
“Don’t know much bout the sack.
Though I heard he was slack.
But as Pres., not the cream of the crop.”
Timmy: 2nd. Grade
Dear Teacher, I’m writing to you
Cuz I heard you were sick and real blue.
I know a great trick
That will cure you real quick:
Always works for me, go make a poo.
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limerick entries. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 497. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Plate.
(Please note that (throughout the summer, at least) I’ll be posting new Limerick-Offs EVERY FOUR WEEKS. I may possibly revert to posting every two weeks in the fall, depending on the number of entrants and entries.)