Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BELL, BELLE, or the Verb REBEL at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BELL, BELLE, or the Verb REBEL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PUNISHMENT, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PUNISHMENT-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on July 22, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 21, 2018, at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
The runner felt swell at the bell,
But suddenly all went to hell;
One lace got untied,
And an ankle felt fried,
As behind former stragglers he fell.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bells, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Racing Humor, Running Humor, Writing Prompts
O’erwelling Consequences ~
Trump would punish potential rebellion
By demanding that each wanton hellion
Watch his face night and day,
And hear all that he’d say.
His draconian touch was Orwellian.
The tomography patient looked swell,
But, my God, did her bod have a smell!
The techs, all revolted,
Took one whiff, then bolted —
Not putting the CAT on the belle.
Snatching kids makes America big?!
Throw the Snatcher-in-Chief in the brig!
Make him pay for his fun:
Give that immigrant’s son
A new jumpsuit — same shade as his wig.
“Your heart is as sound as a bell,”
Said his doctor, “Your mind is as well.”
But with medical tact,
Didn’t add “One that’s cracked”,
So the Donald just burbled “Thass swell.”
It needs just a few to rebel
To prevent the Supreme Court from Hell.
But the Koch Brothers’ wealth
Speaks much louder than health –
When they’re buying, Republicans sell.
At a GOP rally, young Belle
Cried “What is that terrible smell?”
A slime-trail of ooze
Led to Senator Cruz.
“Oh, it’s normal,” she said,”All is well.”
(Double)
An athletic young hooker called Belle
Said “You’ve been a bad boy, I’ve heard tell.”
So she spanked and she spanked
While the President wanked,
Till his bum was bright orange as well.
Flap Jack’s…
She roused him by ringing a bell
When pancakes with eggs he could smell.
Ate then started their day
With a roll in the…Hey!
Over easy, he pleaded: More gel!
(Punishment – recycled from the previous Lim-Off)
Arriving in Hell, Trump laments
“This hotel isn’t worth twenty cents!
Where’s my sweet golden showers
Like I got in Trump Towers?”
The Devil replies, “Here’s Mike Pence.”
Oh, baby, you’re ringing my bell
With that see-thru affair: sure looks…swell,
But I ain’t made of money!
What’s tonight’s special, honey?
I’m a buyer and you’re here to sell
(Michelle, oddly, once worked for Ma Bell).
He whacked off at the sound of the bell
As the whip struck. Pain? He couldn’t tell.
Blindfolded, blindsided,
Sensations collided
When guided by Mistress Rochelle.
It’s rumored she has a few million
Earned stroking her stable of billion-
Aires, each seeking pleasure
Dealt out in rough measure:
Ideas? She has a gazillion.
Too many were urged to rebel
By a nutjob unable to tell
It’s not good to preach chaos.
He wants to be called Boss,
Perhaps God. What we’ll buy, he’ll sell.
(If he had his way, we’d go to Hell.)
They claim there’s a backlash in motion,
The pendulum swings: magic potion?
Exit date Twelfth of Never
Unless we get clever;
My angry tears could fill an ocean
(Four years four too long, I’ve the notion).
I bid a despondent farewell
To my lovely and sweet “mad’moi selle”
This lady was hot
Always hit the right spot
I called her the “ball of my bell”
“The punishment should fit the crime,”
Said the Judge, “So you will not do time.
Instead, you’ll be chained
In your swamp till it’s drained,
And you’ve swallowed each last bit of slime.”
We found a nice inn called La Belle
Ten bucks for each hour, (real swell)
I paid the whole bill
Then said, “Good-bye, Phil”
Here’s your $9.50 change. Go to hell
Quasimodo was lonely as hell
All day and all night rang that bell
Then he finally met “Di”
But all things went awry
When she got a good whiff of his smell
There are mirrors galore where I dwell,
So the views of my mistress are swell
As she sucks and she fucks;
It’s a pornshow deluxe,
And I call her “My sweet Mirror-belle”.
I’ve just silenced my “Notify” bell:
Brian Allgar’s as busy as hell.
I do love his verses,
But sometimes — oh, curses! —
I have to get work done as well.
(Variation on an old one)
The bimbo was pretty but cold,
And insisted she did it for gold.
“If you ring my cash-bell,
I am yours”, she would tell
All the fellows for whom the belle tolled.
Elementary school was just hell
The teachers were mean and they’d yell
In my pants, I would pee
Cause the rule was that we
Couldn’t “go” till the sound of the bell
(Another old one)
In the tale of the Beauty called Belle,
It’s the sugared-up version they sell,
For the Beast found he’d rather
Just dine on her father
And eat her for ‘afters’ as well.
Imagine a future hotel
With no maids and no bellmen — no bell!
Machines will unpack you
And diddle or jack you
And serve up your dinner as well.
At dinner, if ever I said
Something nasty, they sent me to bed —
So I often was rude:
“Reading’s better than food;
Let my brothers do dishes instead!”
My grandson actually asked my this question. (so funny)
In this limerick, I must be “Jean” for rhyme-sake
My grandson is just cute as hell
And for sure, coming out of his shell
He’s almost a teen
And asked, “Grandma Jean,
When’s the time I’m supposed to rebel?”
Heroes, against injustice, rebel,
We’ve got to do more than just yell,
There is no more doubt,
We must throw the bums out!
‘Cause America’s going to hell.
Read rhino poachers by lions were killed!
I cheered, indeed I was just thrilled!
I’d be gleeful, not vexed,
If the Trump sons were next!
More sweet justice would then be fulfilled.
Take my house, take my pool, take my car,
My TV, my best clothes, my guitar –
I won’t say it’s unfair;
I did wrong – but don’t dare
Take my books! Why, that’s going too far!
This week’s challenge is far from sublime:
Mad has found us a verb with no rhyme!
Not “astonish” or “banish”
Or “donnish” or “vanish” –
Just “nunnish,” which wastes all our time.
Punishment
Some immigrant children will die
Good people just can’t fathom”why”
The Pres is a dope
And don’t we all hope
That the law’s changed to “eye for an eye”
OOPS !! (line three: I instead of “In”
Elementary school was just hell
The teachers were mean and they’d yell
“IN” my pants I would pee
Cause the rule was that we
Couldn’t “go” till the sound of the bell
Punishment
In the fifties, the kids would all shout
We got “smacked” and there just was no doubt
Now they still go astray
They will oft disobey
And for murder, they get a “time out”
OOPS! (line 5 wrong “bell”)
I bid a despondent farewell
To my lovely and sweet mad’moi selle
This lady was hot
Always hit the right spot
I called her the “Ball of My BELLE”
I caught “wifey” at No Tell Motel
I said, “Oh my God!” “What the hell?”
But she kept going on
With my best buddy John
Then I screamed, “Look at me! Ring a bell?”
Please punish me Sir, let us play
Ropes, blindfolds, or cuffs, (Here’s the way)
“Now, when are we done?”
“See, I’m not having fun”
“I’m just here for an old-fashioned lay”
Santa’s up there in age, you can tell
We feel bad, but it’s close to “farewell”
He lost his red hat
And not only that:
He could only find one jingle bell
Punishment
You’ve broken my two priceless lamps!
You kids are just giving me cramps!
Go right now to “Aged Oaks”
You shall live with my folks
(That’s grandma and old cranky “gramps”)
There’s no punishment that is so neat
As this one that’s really “complete”:
Take away that iphone
BOY! Will they feel alone:
No more instagram, texting, or tweet
It seems discipline just never ends
Yet often, they must make amends
If your kids disobey
You can punish this way:
Just kiss them in front of their friends
He’s dating a true Southern belle
Who’s gracious and gorgeous as well.
We talked for a while
And he said with a smile:
“She’s horny and I’m feeling swell.”
A comely bartender named Belle
Has S&M leanings as well.
When done kicking ass,
She fills glass after glass;
Still, “feeling no pain” hurts like hell.
The Briton, Britannicus Knave,
Was a very rebellious slave.
Too much trouble at home,
They dispatched him to Rome,
Where they soon taught him how to behave.
Hubristic young Gunar The Norse,
Was, reputedly, hung like a horse;
Till one day, on a raid,
When an enemy’s blade
Cut his pride down to size at the source.
Homunculus, Belvedere Grimes,
Has seen more than his share of harsh times;
But he relished the joke
When a very large bloke
Was indicted for most of his crimes.
Master miller, Cornelius Bower,
Spent six hours every day milling flower;
But the rest of his time
He devoted to crime,
Which is why he now works from the Tower.
TWOFER
“Come lie down and be whipped,” hissed the “pastor;”
“You have shown disrespect to your master.”
His “disciple,” sweet Belle,
Grinned and answered “Like hell!
Though you’re older and bigger, I’m faster.”
In the old days ’twas telephone hell
When the circuits were ruled by Ma Bell
Till a wireless coup
Promised freedom anew
But we wound up enslaved by the cell
punishment
The 50’s: “You can’t watch T.V.
And no supper, my final decree!”
The 90’s: okay, though
“You’re barred from Nintendo”
Now the kids punish you and then me
Oh, how my glands start to swell
When I think of the night I met Belle.
She was coy, I had gold;
She took charge, I got rolled;
And ‘twas I spent the night in a cell!
Long ago we would think that a cell
Was a place where the “bad people” dwell
Mama’d be in such shock
How these small phones just “rock”
(As would Sir Alexander Graham Bell)
a slight change:line five
Long ago, we would think that a cell
Was a place where the”bad people” dwell
Mama’d be in such shock
How these small phones just “rock”
(So would Sir Alexander Graham Bell)
We woke up and just started to yell
Cause we thought we were living in hell
Called the kids in real fast
And politely then asked,
“Who the fuck rang that goddamn loud bell?”
PUNISHMENT
You should see how I totally shook
Just didn’t know I was a crook!
(Was put in the clink)
I just didn’t think
To return that damn library book!
PUNISHMENT
Oh Shit! were those cops so damn mean!
I was squashed in just like a sardine
Got put in the pen
With some other ten men
I really thought she was eighteen
In my teens I was one to rebel
Oh the tawdry tales that I could tell
In hindsight I see
How selfish of me
To have put my poor parents through hell
A NASTIER VERSION (PUNISHMENT) line two
Oh Shit! were those cops so damn mean
I felt like a fuckin’ sardine
(Got put in the pen)
With some other ten men
I really thought she was eighteen
Six feet under, I heard the death knell
OMG, I’d been sentenced to hell
Thank the Lord I survived
Being buried alive
Cos I truly was saved by the bell
Indulging in every whim,
His antics spill over the brim.
With damage so vast,
All our friends are aghast;
And we’re being punished for him.
PUNISHMENT THROUGHOUT THE DECADES
The 50’s:”You won’t watch T.V
And no supper, my final “decree!
It’s homework tonight
You must do all things right
And listen to mommy and me”
The 60’s:”You may not protest
We parents all know what is best
So go to your room
We’ll have no doom and gloom
When you come out, be properly dressed”
The 70’s: Music’s too LOUD!
Stay away from that real filthy crowd
You simply must know
How to suitably grow
So that mommy and dad will feel proud
The 80’s: No Nike’s for you!
So please wear a regular shoe
You just need to learn
For some things that you yearn
Some dreams really won’t just come true
The 90’s: Those stupid bandannas are out!
What the damn hell is that all about?
Your hair is so pretty
Those scarves look so shitty
There’s some styles you will just do without
So many long years have gone by
Yet some things we had to deny
We love them to death
With each living breath
But we’re happy to now say “Good Bye”
Mad: please note: above limericks:
the 50’s 60’s 70’s and 80’s are all part of the words in line one
as to stay in the correct meter.
The only one that is not is “the( 90’s) which I should have put in
parenthesis, to make it clear that it was separate from the meter
of line one. Could you put it in parenthesis for me?
The first LINE of the “90’s” should read: Those stupid bandannas are out
as to stay in meter
Thank you…..Lisi
Mad (sorry) This limerick had been messed up by “The 90’s”
It should read:”The 90’s bandannas are out”
Then the entire poem will be unified and meter-correct.
Can you change “The 90’s” to read that way.
Thank you again
Lisi
We went to the Liberty Bell
I thought the vacation was swell
But my wife is a wack
And when noticed the crack
Tried to fix it with manicure gel
Revised Poem:” PUNISHMENT THROUGHOUT THE DECADES”
The FIFTIES! (“You can’t watch T.V.!”)
And no supper! (my final decree!)
“It’s homework tonight!
You MUST do things right
And listen to mommy and me!”
The SIXTIES! (“You must not PROTEST!”)
We parents all know what is best
Now go to your room
It’s enough doom and gloom
When you come out, be PROPERLY dressed!”
The SEVENTIES! (“Music’s too LOUD!”)
“Stay away from that real filthy crowd!”
“You simply must know
How to properly grow
So that mommy and dad will feel proud!”
The EIGHTIES!(“No Nike’s for you!)
“You must wear a regular shoe!”
“You just need to learn
Things for which you will yearn
May be dreams and just might not come true!”
The NINETIES!(Bandannas are OUT!”)
“What the damn hell are THEY all about?”
“Your hair is so pretty
Those scarves look real shitty
“There are styles that you’ll just live without!”
Those decades, (oh how they did fly!)
But the things that we had to deny
You, made you so strong
You learned right from wrong
(Yet it’s still hard when we say “Good bye”)
Make Mine A Double
On the good days I’m sound as a bell;
On some others, I don’t do so well.
But I’m worst, I’ll be bound,
On the days that confound,
When I’m really too far gone to tell.
Oh, how my glands start to swell
When I think of the night I met Belle.
She was coy, I had gold;
She took charge, I got rolled –
And ‘twas I spent the night in a cell!
(With a nod to Mark Westin’s limerick)
Way back in the days of Ma Bell,
There was only one system to sell.
We’d talk night and day
In the old-fashioned way;
On phones that were dumber than hell.
She was billed as ‘Mysterious Belle’
And I’m told I fell under her spell.
Quite what happened is hid,
As whatever I did,
Made my friends too embarrassed to tell.
Improvement on previous.
When I ponder the night I met Belle
All the veins in my neck start to swell.
She was coy, I had gold;
She took charge, I got rolled –
But ‘twas ME spent the night in a cell!
There once was a fellow named Mel
Whose date was proceeding quite well
He was baring it all
With the belle of the ball –
Then he saw the two balls of the belle.
DO THE CRIME, PAY THE TIME
Some think it was fair, I suppose
They say, “That’s how sometimes life goes”
Dad had to serve time
Was it really a crime?
Ten damn years for just stealing my nose!
Punishment:
If you get paid “under the table”
You might get the chance to be able
To get slammed in the pen
Meet some other nice men
And those places now all have cable
Should I PUNt this one?
As a PUNster, I stick to my guns
They are PUNchy, and yes, I have tons.
Though I find them quite fun-ish,
Some PUNks would just PUNish.
Those PUNdits say “PUNgent, his PUNs.”
We play Bingo each week, (really swell)
But last night we were angry as hell
Peg said, she’d “B-2”
And it just wasn’t true!
She cheated. It’s time to rebel
At the sound of the old “Clinker Bell”
The inmates may jog at “The Dell”
But one day they were shocked
Cause the gate wasn’t locked
And all bolted like bats out of hell
On the good days I’m sound as a bell;
On some others, I’m doing less well.
But the days that confound,
And the worst, I’ll be bound,
Are the ones when I can’t even tell.
Aging pugilist Kensington Knell
Would lash out at the sound of a bell.
He would swing left and right
Till he ran out of fight,
Or police squeezed him into a cell.
The Sunday that old “grammie” fell
She’d forgotten to put on her “bell”
But Bubby was spunky
And totally funky
(Later found, at the No Tell Motel)
CORRECTION:( in caps)
At the sound of the old “Clinker Bell”
The inmates COULD jog at “The Dell”
But one day they were shocked
Cause the gate wasn’t locked
And THEY bolted like bats out of hell
CORRECTION (IN CAPS)
If you get paid “under the table”
You might get a chance AND be able
To get slammed in the pen
Meet some other COOL men
And those places now all have cable
Quasimodo was not feeling well
His life was a real living hell
The day it was rainy
He spotted Lon Chaney
And gave him that big fuckin’ bell
“Oh Mary, just look at my bell
When it rings, I will really feel swell”
What he said, fine’ly clicked
In the balls he got kicked
And for that I deserve the Nobel
She said all her friends have a cell
And some with a “really cool” bell
Upon her request
We bought her the “best”
(Nothing less for our dachshund Michelle)
Lesson “A” for the “punish beginner”
Dear parents, this one’s a sure winner:
She’ll be a complete wreck
If you go and check
Her voice mails while she’s eating dinner
“I’m fifty today, Darling Belle
Yet I really look young, can’t you tell?
I want all meals in bed
And some very good head”
“Whatever you say, Love, (like hell”)
The vet said to just “ring a bell”
“He’ll stop barking; it works very well”
But our dog’s so brain-dead
That he went right ahead
To the Mass at our church:Mount Carmel
Life On The Wild Side
One is never too old to rebel,
Or resist those so eager to quell.
Don’t be sheep and P C!
Loose your bonds and be free!
And when asked why you did it, don’t tell!
L O T W S 2
Is one ever too old to rebel?
To risk long, lonely nights in a cell?
For myself, if it’s just,
I think, “Sod it, I must!”
And revisit my youth for a spell.
okay, some people really believe this exists (go figure)
We heard a mysterious bell
And it just put us under a “spell”
My friend said, “TURN BACK!
We are under ATTACK!
It’s the sound of the “Toll Booth From Hell!”
I asked my friend, Dummy La Belle
If she heard about “Tyrone The Swell”
She said, “Oh tell me more
Cause I just wanna’ “score”
“Does it come in a cream or a gel?”
THE PUNISHMENT SHOULD FIT THE CRIME
“God damnit! You smell like a skunk!”
Get out and just sit in your trunk”
“By the way, my dumb friend
This abuse will not end
Your license plate now will read “DRUNK”
“Aren’t we getting too old to rebel?”
‘I can’t say, Judge; too early to tell.’
“Yes, I see: I suggest
That we make you our guest;
Come and spend a few nights in our cell.”
There’s a legend about William Tell
A man who did surely rebel
Although he did grapple
He did shoot the apple
Then bid the mean tyrant farewell
There’s a legend about a hotel
That whenever the clerk rings his bell
A ghost will appear
Do you believe that my dear?
If so, I’ve a neat bridge to sell
CORRECTION “WILLIAM TELL” (too many “did” in previous limerick)
There’s a legend about William Tell
A man who was ONE to rebel
Although he did grapple
He SHOT the “famed” apple
Then bid the mean tyrant farewell
In a world that is all gone to hell,
Duty calls us: “Resist and rebel!”
First, the P C Brigade
Should be flogged, and then flayed –
Oh, and throw in the lawyers, as well.
(Sorry, Mad.)
Slightly improved.
Aging pugilist Kensington Knell
Would lash out at the sound of a bell.
He would swing left and right
Till he ran out of fight,
Or the cops squeezed him into a cell.
In a world that is all gone to hell,
Duty calls us: “Resist and rebel!”
First, the P C Brigade
Should be flogged, and then flayed –
Ooh, and throw in the lawyers, as well.
‘O’ for enthusiasm.
and emphasis.
CORRECTION LINE 1 and 4 in “hotel ghost limerick”
There’s a legend about this hotel
That whenever the clerk rings his bell
A ghost will appear
You believe that, my dear?
If so, I’ve a neat bridge to sell
In the fifties, our parents would hope
If we did something wrong they could cope
Yet, if we should curse
There was just nothing worse
And you got your mouth washed out with soap
(punishment)
1960’s punishment
The Beatles, you’ll just do without!
You’re forbidden to twist or to shout
You say “love in’s” are cool
Do you think I’m a fool?
Now go to your room and just pout!
PUNISHMENT PART 2
In the fifties, our parents would hope
If you did something wrong, they would cope
But if you should curse
There was just nothing worse
And you got your mouth washed out with soap
The sixties! Those Beatles are out!
You’re forbidden to twist or to shout
You say “Love In’s “are cool
Do you think I’m a fool?
Now go to your room and just pout
I really can’t stand Donna Summer
Her voice is just really a bummer
Turn that “Record” right off
That weird gal makes me scoff
And DISCO? (Now what could be dumber?)
Your hair is so big! Where’s your face?
How’s your life there in old outer space?
Now comb it again
And I’ll tell you when
You don’t look like such a disgrace!
Oh PLEASE! will you stop watching “Friends”!!
It seems like that show never ends!
Now go watch PBS
So you’ll be a success
You do not have to follow those trends!
2018!
Those decades, (Oh how they did fly!)
But the things which we had to deny
You, made you so strong
Now you know right from wrong
(Yet it’s still hard when we say “Good bye”)
CORRECTION above limerick poem TRULY instead of REALLY,( verse three)
I really can’t stand Donna Summer
Her voice is just TRULY a bummer
Turn that “record” right off
That weird gal makes me scoff
And DISCO? (Now what could be dumber?)
Ten items at checkout? Oh hell!
I’ve eleven, but no one can tell
I must buy that treat
Or my doggie won’t eat
(And what a cool way to rebel)
Those “After Eight” candies looked swell
And what a delectable smell!
It was just quarter to
What I tell you is true
I ate one. (just had to rebel)
In the sixties, my mother could tell
When my clothes didn’t match, (she would yell)
Then sick of her gripes
I wore plaid joined with stripes
I really just had to rebel
If somebody wants to rebel,
They can start by removing their cell
From its usual place
In front of their face;
There’s coffee and roses to smell.
There once was a great southern belle
who thought life in France would be swell.
Now her head’s in the oven–
She’s now dime-a-dozen!
The French language mad her life hell.
This fellow keeps ringing our bell;
Apparently wanting to sell
Religious advice
Or some worthless device.
No wait – G.O.P.? GO TO HELL!!
If your bowels are backed up, Taco Bell
Bean burritos can help you expel
Both the shit from your ass
And that foul-smelling gas
After passing, you’ll surely feel swell!
You’ve committed a terrible crime
But you don’t want to serve lots of time.
Disinclined to repentance?
Then ponder this sentence:
Old Sparky. It’s truly sublime!
There are so many ways to rebel
If strange perfume, on him, you do smell
You can make it real clear:
“I’ve a headache, my dear”
Or just shove him right into a well
I needed a way to rebel
Cause my “teach” said I just couldn’t spell
I’m not that damn bad
And I guess she was glad
When I bid her a nasty feerwell
Here’s a really cool way to rebel
If typing is boring as hell
When your “teach” comes to look
She be totally shook
Cause she’ll see you’ve typed LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Right here at my laptop I sit
And note Facebook “reminders” don’t quit!
If you need to rebel
In their “comments” just tell:
“It’s you birthday!! I don’t give a shit!”
We seniors all dance the “cool jive”
It makes us just feel so alive!
And we also rebel
But (SHH) Please don’t tell:
We get “Early Bird” (minute past five)
And now, for his manifold sins,
Trump’s punishment truly begins:
His dreadful remarks
Got the man who hates sharks
In hot water, surrounded by Fin(n)s.
Poor Billy. He fell for the spell
Of the belle of the ball. All was well,
‘Til he swung her, and tripped
At the moment they dipped,
And we all heard the bawl of the belle.
7/17/2018
From the depths of Political Hell
Came the sharp, metaphorical yell
Of a crotch-grabbing schmuck
With his short fingers stuck
In the crack of the Liberty Bell.
Here’s one that’s both Bell and Punishment:
INFERNO 2: ELECTORAL BOOGALOO
“‘A special place waiting in Hell…’;
Say, Don, do those words ring a bell?”
Said the Demon, “I know
You meant Justin Trudeau,
But it’s your situation as well:
Know the very last floor of this dump,
Where Lord Lucifer sits on his rump
To eternally munch
Three vile traitors for lunch?
Make that four. Welcome home, Mr. Trump.”
Parents: We’ve all been there!
Dear God, please just grant me this wish
(It’s not that I don’t love sweet Trish)
Will this punishment end?
I just can’t pretend
That I really like playing “Go Fish”
punish him “good”
You’ve got to have ultimate power
For this is your big shining hour
You caught him last night
With his “lovely delight”
Now flush when he’s taking a shower
Your cursing has just gone too far!
(By the way, it’s ONE MONTH: NO GUITAR!)
We’re not finished yet
(So you’ll never forget)
Here’s a toothbrush, now go wash the car
A woman was hotter than hell,
But she couldn’t do math very well.
“Four plus four’s forty-four.
Maybe less? Maybe more?”
She’s well-known as a true ding-dong belle.
“WELCOME!”
“You will find that you do very well
When finished, each slut rings a bell
All the girls have one job
Which willl make your heart throb
We call it the “Hooker Cartel”
I did not hear my real freaky bell
Oh No! Where’s my best buddy, “Cell?”
The time? I don’t know!
I’ll be late for the show!
I’m imprisoned in “DIGITAL HELL!!”
ANOTHER VERSION OF “WELCOME”
You will find that you do very well
When finished, each slut rings a bell
All the girls have one job
Just to please every SLOB
We call it the “Hooker Cartel”
You hear a melodious bell
Then say, “Fine, thanks, just doing real well”
You try to break free
But there’s no way to flee
(Meet “prisoner” bound to his cell)
Another Version
You hear a melodious bell
Then a different “tune” (you can tell)
One really needs two
It’s required of you
To locate the cell that just fell
We seniors have this kind of cell:
It rings like a standard-type bell
It opens. We smile.
At the rotary dial
(Oh yes, we are trendy as hell)
I just didn’t hear my “cool” bell
My phone “died” (That’s how I can tell)
Even though I was sad
I met Mom and Dad
(They seem like nice people, as well)
(Capitol punishment)
A wrecking ball known as The Donald
Demolished the party of Ronald.
That wasn’t enough;
Now we’ll have to rebuff
His crane operator he fondled.
Kinky punishment’s part of her act,
And at times she wears costumes. In fact,
With one client, for fun,
She dressed up like a nun.
But it wasn’t his knuckles she whacked.
When someone says “clear as a bell”
My question is: how does it knell?
Does transparency bring
A much zingier ding,
With a dong that is longer as well?
“My Dear, it’s just me or that cell!
I can’t stand to hear that damn bell
I feel so alone
When you’re on that damn phone”
(It was sad, but I bid him farewell)
Here’s a punishment that’ll just rock
(The kids might just go into shock)
You don’t have to shout
But please, tough it out:
And make them tell time by the clock
Punishment !
Oh Boy! Parents, this one’s all yours
If your boy will just not do his chores
Gently guide him away
So he won’t go astray:
Tell him “This is what’s called the “outdoors”
Punishment: Little League Agony
When he’s good, he may have a few “treats”
And of course, he just loves all those sweets
But if he gets defiant
Do not be compliant
Don’t help him put on those damn cleats
The Electras would rob to get rich
But their daughter is seems was a snitch
When their sentence was gavelled
And plans were unravelled
The realized Carmen’s a bitch
Neither ask who is tolling the bell
Nor for whom is its sorrowful knell
Cuz the answer you see
Is it’s ringing for thee
And you’re Donne for, or so I hear tell
What I said was as clear as a bell
And our summit was super and swell
He’s my biggly bear
And I really don’t care
That he calls me his mademoiselle
In high school, I always did well,
But my shyness made being there hell.
My virginity loomed
(I’d have sworn I was doomed);
Then, at prom, I was saved by the belle.
I’m emotional during my time,
And I sob at the drop of a dime.
I was wailing when nailed;
Now I’m wailing while jailed.
I-I’m putting the cry-y in crime.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 302.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Yoke.