Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Press or Impress or Express or Oppress at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Press or Impress or Express or Oppress at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to ANGER, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best anger-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on June 12, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 11, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

When job-seekers “dress to impress”
At the office, that’s helpful I guess.
But must social attire
Entail and require
Spending ev’ry last cent you possess?

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

79 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Press or Impress or Express or Oppress at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5”

  1. Marty Gerendasy says:

    A young lady I tried to impress
    Was excited to see me undress.
    I was sure she expected
    To see something erected,
    But she soon had to settle for less.

  2. Brian Allgar says:

    Though underendowed, he would dress
    In a manner suggesting largesse.
    With a codpiece as thick
    As an elephant’s prick,
    The Donald was sure to impress.

  3. Brian Allgar says:

    My wife and my best friend in bed!
    In my anger, I shot them both dead,
    Then I buried them deep
    In my composting heap.
    Now my garden is very well fed.

  4. Brian Allgar says:

    Press / anger

    He cursed as he tried to undress
    His girl, but with little success.
    All those buttons and zippers
    Look easy for strippers,
    But for men, they enrage and depress.

  5. Brian Allgar says:

    Those bastards who cynically mess
    With your head, causing untold distress,
    Spreading lies, propaganda,
    False rumours and slander,
    Are collectively known as “The Press”.

  6. Brian Allgar says:

    Dick knew all the buttons to press
    To ensure that she’d soon acquiesce,
    But when he said “Do it!”,
    She thought he said “Chew it!”
    Poor Dick is now a dick less.

  7. Brian Allgar says:

    The Republicans tried to suppress
    The candidate’s growing success.
    They admitted (verbatim):
    “It seems we cain’t beat him;
    We better just join him, I guess.”

  8. Brian Allgar says:

    The elections enrage me, God rot ’em!
    If there’s one thing that’s really the bottom,
    It’s the lies and the slanders
    Against Bernie Sanders.
    His proposals? Most countries have got ’em.

    (Mad, I’m willing to admit that this is a bit OTT.)

  9. Brian Allgar says:

    The 1% tried to impress
    On the nation their need for excess.
    They said with defiance,
    “It ain’t rocket science –
    We need more, so that means you get less.”

  10. Brian Allgar says:

    Pastor Cruz did his best to repress
    All that stood in the way of a “Yes”
    For his horrible son.
    Now it’s over and done,
    How did God make this godawful mess?

  11. Brian Allgar says:

    She had taken the Orient Express
    Overnight, and began to undress
    When she spotted a hunk
    Fast asleep in her bunk.
    He awoke. “Missed my station, I guess.“

  12. Judith Block says:

    A woman worked hard to impress
    The guy with whom she did obsess.
    She smiled and she flirted;
    Was quite extroverted
    In a state of seductive undress.

  13. Judith Block says:

    The Acela is called an Express
    That is what AMTRAK does profess.
    But it’s often late
    That sure does frustrate!
    It’s a problem they need to address.

  14. Judith Block says:

    I find that I cannot express
    My feelings without some distress:
    This election’s offensive
    We’re all on the defensive
    It’s become quite a frightening mess.

  15. Brian Allgar says:

    The conductor had brought her the score
    For a private rehearsal of Spohr.
    But the ‘diminuendo’
    Had turned to ‘crescendo’;
    The ’cellist was feeling quite sore.

  16. Brian Allgar says:

    “My dears,” said the snake, “let me press
    You to taste this delectable cress.”
    But the ‘cress’ was an apple;
    Their sexual grapple
    Would bring them to Eden’s egress.

  17. Judith Block says:

    Edited version-

    I find that I cannot express
    My feelings without some distress:
    GOP’s gone insane;
    All truth they disdain.
    It’s become quite a frightening mess.

  18. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    She got angry on finding him dead:
    “He alluded to clearing his head.
    Though the drill bit was dull,
    It got through his thick skull.
    Is it any surprise I see red?”

  19. Judith Block says:

    The gal never tried to impress
    With come-hither or states of undress.
    Her hotness was there,
    Guys were well aware.
    Her heart, they each longed to possess.

  20. Judith Block says:

    A guy tried too hard to impress
    With a cock size that was in excess.
    But gals didn’t care,
    They’d done that, been there.
    It’s all intellect and caress.

  21. Janie Gouge says:

    Dear heartthrob, I must confess
    When your lips upon mine do press
    You put me in like dither
    With your look of ‘come hither’
    Your intentions, you must now profess

  22. Marty Gerendasy says:

    Now I really must clean and must press
    My good suit ’cause it’s really a mess!
    Gotta have it by noon,
    Better be ready soon,
    Or I’ll have to start wearing a dress!

  23. Ed Edwards says:

    Good morning. I come here to press
    My suit; and I wish to impress,
    That I need it by 1
    So, when pressing is done,
    I’d like it delivered “Express”.

  24. Judith Block says:

    There was just so much anger and fear.
    Things just are not as they appear.
    There was so much hurt
    Our eyes would avert
    I think I know, but it’s unclear.

  25. Dave Johnson says:

    The bartender said to her brother
    He’s not going to serve them another.
    The lady was pissed;
    She stood up and hissed
    Three words – starting out with “You mother…”

  26. Marty Gerendasy says:

    When my anger I try to express,
    I just get myself into a mess.
    I yell and I curse,
    But that just makes it worse,
    And what comes next is anyone’s guess.

  27. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    My experiment’s sure to impress.
    I’m creating a hybrid—oh, yes!—
    Of a wolf and a man,
    An unparalleled plan,
    And no doubt, a h-howling success.

    I hope you’re lycan this one.

  28. Mark Kane says:

    For a starlet, a must is good press.
    But how do you get it? One guess.
    No it’s not what you say,
    Though some wit is OK.
    The secret? Why simply undress.

  29. Fred Bortz says:

    All aboard! It’s the Quantum Express
    Where the route’s well-defined, more or less,
    ’Til you pass through the tunnel.
    And then what you’ve done’ll
    Be just a statistical guess.

  30. Fred Bortz says:


    If Trump makes you angry, just note
    That the lies that spew out of his throat,
    Though vicious and vile,
    Are only a pile
    Of bullshit. So get out and vote!

  31. Kirk Miller says:

    Her bra size is sure to impress
    A man who enjoys breast excess.
    With DDs forty-four,
    They are hard to ignore.
    Her cups runneth over, I guess.

  32. Kirk Miller says:

    The star basketball player has stress.
    At his trial, he’s under duress.
    The whole courtroom is jammed;
    Each reporter is crammed
    In the room that is called full court press.

  33. Kirk Miller says:

    “My displeasure is easy to see,”
    Said the man, and his friends all agree.
    “I’ve support,” says the guy,
    “When I’m angry, ’cause my
    Middle finger will stand up for me.”

  34. Kirk Miller says:

    When the woman conducted a poll
    Of some drivers on turnpikes, a whole
    Lot of anger was found.
    “It’s not fare!” they’d expound.
    It appears the high fees took their toll.

  35. Kirk Miller says:

    Some transvestites and other confessors
    Are considered to be law transgressors.
    They don’t like the new law,
    And it sticks in their craw.
    They’re so angry they’re known as cross dressers.

  36. Mark Kane says:

    A stripper will gladly confess
    She always makes more wearing less.
    But this sums up their work,
    I say with a smirk.
    Their calling? Undress to impress.

  37. Lisi Nortman says:

    If your date you try to impress
    With your fake and phony address
    Meet at Burger King
    Have a fun fling
    Take her home and you’ve achieved success

  38. Lisi Nortman says:

    When I met my blind date Jess
    I showed him my Calvin Klein dress
    Underneath the label
    It said “Low Cost Stable”
    Boy he’s easy to impress!

  39. Lisi Nortman says:

    Anger will give you stress
    And then you lose your finesse
    So walk out of the house
    And tell your spouse
    “My Darling, I couldn’t care less”

  40. Lisi Nortman says:

    You should never never obsess
    To be phony and try to impress
    Someone who says he has money
    Because I’m telling you, Honey
    You’ll create a perpetual mess

  41. Barry Solomons says:

    It’s said that Eliot Ness
    Deliberately leaked to the press,
    That Al Capone
    When left on his own,
    Often preferred to cross-dress.


    It’s said about Sigmund Freud
    That Carl Jung got him annoyed,
    He would rave and rant
    About that awful Kant,
    And Schopenhauer he would always avoid.

  42. Dave Johnson says:

    The fellow is lacking finesse
    For finding nice things to express.
    He told his wife Sue
    “I really think you
    Look great in that butt-ugly dress.”

  43. Dave Johnson says:

    Manziel’s in New York to impress
    Mr. Trump with his well-known success.
    As a quality guy
    Trustworthy and shy,
    The VP should be nothing less.

  44. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our shabby town is quite a mess
    The economic downfall is causing much stress
    So me and Hank
    Robbed the bank
    Then jumped on the next Metro express

  45. Tim James says:


    The rage in today’s GOP
    Rots the party’s insides. We can see
    Ugly insults fly thick.
    Might a small, stubby dick
    Prompt such crap? No, his brain is what’s wee.

    (Or heart. That works too.)

  46. Val Fish says:

    My anger I tried to supress

    But he knew which buttons to press

    I finally saw red

    With one whack on the head

    He got his comeuppance, I guess

  47. Dave Johnson says:

    He’s claiming his Trump U was shrewd,
    But students cried fraud and they sued.
    Court documents show
    What the plaintiffs all know:
    You don’t have to undress to get screwed.

  48. Lisi Nortman says:

    When you get angry, you tend to scream
    It’s like a bad nightmarish dream
    So take a break
    For goodness sake
    And treat yourself to chocolate ice cream

  49. Lisi Nortman says:

    My daughter took lessons; her name is Bess
    The driving teacher said she’s quite a mess
    She went too far
    And rear ended a car
    The wrong pedal she did press

  50. First he told me to undress
    It was the first time I did transgress
    I took off my frock
    Boy did we ROCK
    Now I’m off to church to fully confess

  51. Lisi Nortman says:

    When daddy got angry I had a trick
    So I wouldn’t have to hear his schtick
    I would hide in the car
    It was the best way by far
    To get away speedy and quick

  52. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    I’m thinking divorce, I’m so mad:
    To rekindle the romance we had,
    I suggested a date night,
    A hot, sexy late night—
    So she’s out with some actor named Brad.

  53. Lisi Nortman says:

    Someone we know wants to impress
    By taking on the liberal press
    In some ways he’s right
    But with his viscous bite
    He’s losing his hair from “Elephant Stress”

  54. Mark Kane says:

    ‘The Donald’ is facing a mess.
    Will he come clean and fully confess?
    To the voters,’Trump U’
    Should be read as F*** You,
    But instead he’ll keep blaming the press.

  55. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    At first, I was angry like some,
    But I’m now disenchanted and glum,
    ‘Cause this demagogue, Trump,
    Has exposed on the stump
    Just how far we have not even come.

  56. Fred Bortz says:

    Dress for Success

    A “G” marks the spot on her dress
    Against which his member should press.
    Then just watch his smooth move
    Oh, that man’s in the groove!
    No resisting their trysting success.

  57. Randy Wagner says:

    His bright “Hallelujahs” impress
    But his musical flair and finesse
    Truly can’t hold a candle
    To how George can “Handel”
    D major, his key to success.

  58. Randy Wagner says:

    Celebrities’ fans can obsess
    On the outfits stars wear to impress.
    As for fabric and form,
    “Less is more” is the norm
    Making stars underdress for success.

  59. Randy Wagner says:

    Some limerick writers obsess
    On glandular clout and largesse,
    But Madeline needs
    A ditty that reads
    With rhythm that’s meant to impress.

  60. Randy Wagner says:

    James Joyce had a way to express
    Himself as he’d blithely suppress
    Punctuation. Ask Molly
    Who spit out a volley
    Of words culminating with YES!

  61. Randy Wagner says:

    Labyrinthic it is to express
    Shades of grey with panache and finesse.
    Subtle nuance can soften
    Hard facts but it often
    Creates certain doubt (more or less).

  62. Randy Wagner says:

    Anger and golfing go hand in hand:

    When putting, you shan’t double clutch
    And drives shouldn’t hook or slice much.
    But when you misuse
    A club you will lose
    Your temper, your tongue, and your touch.

  63. Tim James says:

    A novitiate tried to express
    Her regret, for she’d made quite a mess.
    She had made it a habit
    To kill off the rabbit.
    She cried, but she’s gone, nuntheless.

  64. Barry Solomons says:

    With a limerick I’m hoping to impress
    Such a seductive, beguilng temptress,
    Yes, it’s Ms.Begun Kane
    Who can drive men insane…..
    Perhaps this schmoozing will bring me success.


    When accused of being over-sexed
    Bill Clinton replied, really vexed,
    ‘Everyone knows it’s my credo
    to satisfy my libido,
    now form a queue ladies, who’s next?’

  65. Dave Johnson says:

    The goal is: enrage and inflame
    Supporters by spewing the blame
    So his ratings will jump.
    In Donald J. Trump,
    Atrocity does have a name.

  66. Fred Bortz says:

    A Voter’s Lament

    Oh, Bernie, you’re such an old grump!
    I’m tired of your rants on the stump.
    With your Socialist views,
    I’m afraid you would lose,
    Even against Donald Trump.

    Yet I worry about “Bernie Bros,”
    As the campaign approaches its close.
    Will they take a chill pill
    And decide to trust Hill?
    I hope so, but nobody knows.

  67. Judith Block says:

    A woman would try to impress-
    She’d subtly lift up her dress.
    Then she raised the ante,
    ‘Cause she wore no pantie.
    What followed was anyone’s guess.

  68. Judith Block says:

    Edited- A woman would try to impress-
    She’d oh, so subtly lift up her dress.
    Then she raised the ante,
    ‘Cause she wore no pantie.
    What followed was anyone’s guess.

  69. Judith Block says:

    Most guys thought she tried to impress
    When she’d skillfully hike up her dress
    “Don’t wear panties, ” She said,
    “But you guys have misread-
    I just like the breeze, I confess.”

  70. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    “Get your paper—it’s hot off the press!
    ‘The Whole Earth’s in a Hell of a Mess!'”
    “But I’m having great sex
    With a hunk with great pecs,
    So I honestly couldn’t care less.”

  71. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    Oops! I forgot to add quotes at the beginning of L3 and at the end of L5. Would you please fix that for me, Mad?

    MBK: Done.

  72. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    The Success Model Two will impress
    As it draws out the pits with finesse.
    It will not bruise the fruit,
    And it’s quiet to boot,
    ‘Cause nothing sucks seeds like Success!

  73. Suzanne Heymann says:

    So why is it that men love to press
    Women’s boobs with a squeeze? Do confess!
    Just fill water balloons
    It’s the same, you buffoons
    In their texture and bounce, more or less.

    When you close your eyes, you can obsess
    With these water balloons you possess
    Just don’t squeeze ’em too tight
    Or kaboom! Spend the night
    Just a-sleeping in quite a wet mess.

    Now if that causes you too much stress
    Then your options you must reassess
    Ziploc bags full of blubber
    Or ball-shaped foam rubber
    Should finally bring you success!

  74. Suzanne Heymann says:

    The Press Express media mess –
    That’s where big guns know how to suppress
    The real news; they just lie
    With their power; they try
    To impress the oppressed Press Express.

  75. Suzanne Heymann says:

    When he joined anger management classes
    Along with the ill-tempered masses
    He felt he was cursed
    Being fully immersed
    In a room with the worst bunch of asses.

    So what else could he bloody well do?
    He tried Prozac, booze, pot and sex too
    Waves of madness were tidal
    A touch homicidal
    Perhaps suicidal – snafu!

    As he went to apply for some pogey
    He met a strange man, some old fogey
    Who wore a fedora
    And had a bright aura
    It’s hard to ignore a great yogi.

    The old wise man could see through his pain
    And he sought to unshackle his chain
    Meditation he taught
    And it helped him a lot
    Peace and sanity came back again.

  76. Suzanne Heymann says:

    If it’s true that all hell hath no fury
    Like a woman scorned, fellas, then hurry
    To set things a-right
    And don’t put up a fight
    Or we’ll have to call in a grand jury.

    But something is skewed; I’m confused
    Why are women so widely abused?
    They run helter-skelter
    To hide in some shelter
    While men are let off and excused.

    Not all men are bad, I’m aware
    A lot of them really do care
    So could we please take
    Just the losers and make
    Them each take on a furious bear?

    The battle for them would take longer
    ‘Cause they’ve never fought ‘gainst someone stronger
    They’ll know what it’s like
    To be feeling a strike
    By a merciless, angry warmonger.

  77. Mark Kane says:

    Sly Bernie continues to mess
    With the minds of the voters and press.
    He gins up our fear
    With intentions unclear,
    And leaves Dems to worry and guess.

  78. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    A message from your Mama:

    I would very much like to impress
    On your wee tiny minds what a mess
    You have made of this earth
    From the poles to its girth—
    You damned humans aren’t worth my largesse.

  79. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Anger-Themed Limerick Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners: Limerick-Off Award 254.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Lease.