Posts Tagged ‘Husband Humor’

Wife Appreciation Day Limerick (3rd Sunday of September)

Wednesday, September 17th, 2014

Attention fellows! This coming Sunday is a very important holiday. Yes, I know I’m a bit early. But for a day like this, I’m betting you could use some extra notice: National Wife Appreciation Day.

Limerick Ode To Wife Appreciation Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

On September’s third Sunday it’s wise
To appreciate wives. They’re a prize
You should cherish and treasure.
They give so much pleasure.
Beg pardon? RESPECTIVE wives, guys!

Life With Mark Kane

Tuesday, April 29th, 2014

(All dialogue guaranteed true)

Mark: “Now that I’ve won, I can go to sleep.” (gazing down, admiringly, at his laptop’s “free cell” screen at 10 pm)

Me: “Remember that Walter Kirn book I mentioned the other day?”

Mark: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” (still looking down)

Me: “The one about the impostor…”

Mark: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” (still looking down)

Me: “I just started reading it.”

Mark: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” (still looking down)

Me: “You’re not listening to me.”

Mark: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” (still looking down)

Me: “I said you’re not listening to me!”

Mark: “Huh??? Yes, I am.”

Me: “What am I talking about?”

Mark: “Uh…”

Me: “Remember? The Kirn book? I was telling you about it the other day.”

Mark: “Oh yeah.” (surreptitiously typing.)

Me: “You’re looking up “Kirn” in Google aren’t you?”

Mark: “Of course not! I remember you talking about Bruce Kern.”

Me: “I’ve never even heard of Bruce Kern. Stop trying to cheat with Google.”

Mark: “I’m not trying to cheat.”

Me: “Yes you are. I’m talking about WALTER Kirn’s book about the Rockefeller impostor.”

Mark: “Oh, yeah. Jay Rockefeller and the Hamptons.”

Me: “No! “CLARK Rockefeller. Driving a crippled dog from Montana to Manhattan.”

Mark: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Me: “I give up!”

Post-Valentine’s Day Ode

Saturday, February 15th, 2014

Post-Valentine’s Day Ode
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Shoveling snow–
Not my favorite chore.
Mark did it for me.
That’s what marriage is for.

Limerick Ode To National Grouch Day

Tuesday, October 15th, 2013

Happy National Grouch Day! (October 15)

Limerick Ode To National Grouch Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A cranky and grumbly old grouch
Would complain day and night from the couch
About money, TV
And his back, neck and knee.
That fellow’s divorced, I would vouch.

Ill-Bred Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, March 31st, 2013

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A man who was rather ill-bred…*

or

A gal who was rather ill-bred…*

or

A fellow who liked to bake bread…*

or

A woman who liked to bake bread…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Ill-Bred Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A man who was rather ill-bred
Often hogged nearly all of the bed.
Then he’d flare up with pique
At his wife (who was meek)
When she noisily fell on her head.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Happy “Worship Of Tools Day” (Limerick)

Monday, March 11th, 2013

I’m celebrating National Worship Of Tools Day (March 11th) with this limerick:

Happy Worship Of Tools Day (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“If only I had the right tool!”
That’s my husband’s pet phrase, as a rule,
Fueled by trying a fix
With his personal mix
Of chewing gum, tape, and some drool.

Yet Another Limerick Ode To My Husband Mark Kane

Tuesday, May 8th, 2012

Yet Another Limerick Ode To My Husband Mark Kane
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Oh, what have I done to my Mark:
Taught him limerick writing, and hark!
Now he’ll draft something new,
Then lug laptop to loo —
I can’t hide from his poetry arc.

(Note from Mad Kane: I’m really not making this up. On Sunday, Mark followed me into the bathroom, carrying his laptop. That’s how eager he was to show me his latest limerick.)

My New Policy

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

That’s it. No more vacations!

Sounds a little extreme, I know. But strange things tend to happen when my husband and I have the nerve to travel or take time off.

No, I don’t mean canceled flights, lost luggage, or stolen passports. Nothing so mundane as that. I’m talking about incidents like:

* a drowned Toyota;
* a windshield collision with flying branches while my car is going 55 mph;
* a Mazda smashed by a tree while it’s parked and minding its own business.

Detect a pattern here?

We’ve had so many weird holiday episodes, that our insurer has created a special policy provision just for us:

Notwithstanding the aforesaid incomprehensible coverage terms, this policy shall be subject to the following limitations and exclusions, hereinafter referred to as Madkane’s Oddball Vacation Incident Exclusion clause:

1. Claims for beach sand, in excess of four (4) gallons, entering automobile via sunroof, shall be subject to a $2,500 deductible.
2. Damage to fuel line by reptiles, including but not limited to alligators and crocodiles, is hereby excluded.
3. Hotel parking lot car-drowning incidents shall be subject to a “one more time and you’re canceled” cap.

Our most recent adventure took place at our weekend house. And before you get too impressed by our owning a weekend house, let me hasten to add it’s only 380 square feet. In fact, when we got it appraised for mortgage purposes, its “comparables” featured our neighbor’s garage.

Mark had spent the entire day telling me he “really, really, really should plant the flowers” — those very flowers that were waiting patiently in our Mazda, hoping against hope that the fellow who bought them the previous day would eventually recall that occasional sunlight is somewhat better than a hot, dark trunk.

Knowing better than to meddle in Mark’s planting activities — or lack thereof — I didn’t say a word. I didn’t have to. I already knew the answer: “I don’t want your help. Go away.”

Besides, I had complete faith that at some point before the plants died, Mark would remember that replacements cost money and he’d unload the car and begin digging and uprooting our resident worms. I also knew this would occur just as the last vestiges of sunlight said goodbye. (“Anyone can plant by daylight. Where’s the challenge in that?”)

Mark didn’t disappoint me. He cracked open the car trunk at 8 p.m. and finished around 10. He even did it without the sort of event that might trigger an insurance claim.

And then it happened: Just as Mark was walking up the driveway toward our refuse cans (in an aberrational instance of his actually taking out the garbage), he heard an unfamiliar noise. And thank heavens he did. Because the sound made him stop in his tracks, just as a huge tree limb came barreling down across our driveway, striking our car and our garbage cans but miraculously sparing Mark.

Mark naturally took this as a sign from God: “Thou shalt never again take out the garbage.”

We spent the rest of the night celebrating Mark’s survival. And devoted the next day to tree-limb removal, car-repair estimates, and insurance negotiations.

Needless to say, Madkane’s Oddball Vacation Incident Exclusion clause is longer than ever.

Quick Story & Other Verse (Limerick & Haiku Prompt)

Friday, June 13th, 2008

Today’s limerick, haiku, and senryu theme is furniture and furnishings. First, my limerick:

Quick Story
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Quick story,” my husband declares.
“It’s short — I’m not kidding,” he swears.
But I know that he’s wrong.
He’ll be witty, but long.
How I wish I could find us some chairs.

And now two haiku (senryu):

Dad climbs into bed.
His poodle growls in protest.
Their turf war begins.

Sixty-year-old chair,
still covered in plastic,
protected from life.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write some verse about furniture and furnishings. When you’ve posted your poem(s), please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have a whole week to post it.

(Note: My poems were inspired by these three prompts: “being told a story,” “pets,” and “father / find.”)

Limerick and Haiku Prompts Participants

     

1. SandyCarlson
2. Connie
3. Patricia (a/k/a Roswila)
4. Jade
5. Linda – Nickers and Ink
6. Noah the Great
7. Noah the Great
8. Bevie
9. Crafty Green poet
10. art predator

UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your furniture and furnishings verse in the Comments. And if you’d like to participate in a new poetry prompt, you can always find my latest one here.

UPDATE 2: World Storytelling Day falls on the spring equinox in the northern hemisphere.

Sleepless In Bayside (Limerick, Haiku, & Senryu Prompt)

Friday, June 6th, 2008

Sorry for my late posting. As I mentioned in my last post, I recently broke my wrist.

Today’s limerick, haiku, and senryu theme is sleep and insomnia. First, my limerick:

Sleepless In Bayside
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband can catnap at will,
And my jealous reaction is shrill.
My insomnia’s bad —
Just can’t help getting mad,
Cuz his snores can be heard in Brazil.

And now my haiku or senryu:

I watch my husband
Sleep hour after hour.
What is his secret?

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write some verse about sleep and insomnia. When you’ve posted your poem(s), please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have a whole week to post it.

(Note: My poems were inspired by these three prompts: “catnap, “my nights” and “when I watch you.”)

Limerick and Haiku Prompts Participants  

1. gautami tripathy
2. lissa
3. Granny Smith
4. Crafty Green Poet
5. Bevie
6. Noah the Great
7. Noah the Great
8. Bevie
9. Mary’s Madness
10. art predator
11. Connie

UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your sleep and insomnia verse in the Comments. And if you’d like to participate in a new poetry prompt, you can always find my latest one here.

Ode To An Absent-Minded Husband

Monday, May 5th, 2008

Ode To An Absent-Minded Husband
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Your umbrella can not have gone far.
Can’t believe how forgetful you are!
If we still had each cent
On umbrellas you’ve spent,
We’d have cash to put gas in our car.

Note: My otherwise wonderful husband has lost so many umbrellas over the years, our umbrella fund could actually gas up at least a dozen cars … even at today’s prices.

Thanks to Simply Snickers for the “umbrella” prompt, Weekend Wordsmith for the “torrential rain” prompt, and Sunday Scribblings for its “family” prompt.

UPDATE: I’ve just learned that National Umbrella Day is celebrated yearly on February 10th.

Is It Spring Yet?

Friday, March 2nd, 2007

Is It Spring Yet?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

We are having a foul-weather bout—
Lots of snow, sleet, and hail—not a drought.
Cabin fever has struck,
And my husband feels stuck,
Trapped indoors, starved for sun—must go out.

Is It Safe To Go Shopping With Your Mate? (Humorous Quiz)

Tuesday, December 19th, 2006

Is It Safe To Go Shopping With Your Mate? (Humorous Quiz)
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

One sure way to test a relationship is to shop with your mate. Not only is joint shopping stressful, but it amplifies differences in temperament and taste. It can even lead to bickering, brawls, and mayhem. So take this compatibility quiz now. Or risk being ousted from your favorite boutique.

1. When you arrive at the mall he:

a. Says “Let’s shop together. It’ll be fun.”
b. Says “Meet me in hardware.”
c. Vanishes.

2. In men’s clothing he:

a. Asks your opinion and compliments your taste.
b. Buys a tie he already owns.
c. Bemoans the demise of the leisure suit.

3. In lingerie he:

a. Says you look sexy in an oversized robe.
b. Asks you to model see-through garments too small to identify.
c. Hands you a Wonderbra. … (“Is It Safe To Go Shopping With Your Mate?” is continued here.)

(You can visit my marriage humor collection here.)

False Alarm

Wednesday, October 4th, 2006

My husband Mark and I have a weekend hideaway, a respite from the pace of New York City life. Our country haven is smaller than most; it was once optimistically measured at 400 square feet. In fact, it’s so petite that the very act of staying there more than a day without a single quarrel is persuasive proof of a sound relationship.

On a recent weekend there we were happily hiding out, luxuriating in nature, listening to the birds, and breathing in the fragrant non-New York City air. Suddenly, we were assaulted by a distinctly unpacific sound. No, not sundry talking heads screaming about Iraq. It was even worse than that. … (False Alarm is continued here.)

Tow Guy Blues

Tuesday, August 29th, 2006

I should put my local tow guy on a yearly retainer. Here’s a typical conversation:

Me: Hi, it’s me, Madeleine Kane. Guess whose husband left the lights on again. My address is…
Tow Guy: Still have you down from last week. Have you considered our frequent user plan? …  (Tow Guy Blues is continued here.)

Sparring Over Spare Time

Friday, August 25th, 2006

Do you and your spouse argue about how to spend your spare time? Togetherness can be tough to achieve when a couple’s interests just don’t jibe. But this contract may be just the cure for your spare time blues.

AGREEMENT entered into on _____, 20__ between opera-buff Wife and sports-fan Husband.

WHEREAS, Husband has been badgering Wife to attend a ball game for as long as they’ve been married, and he has never managed to reach first base;

WHEREAS, Wife has been pressuring Husband to go to the opera for years, and Husband is running out of excuses; and

WHEREAS, Husband and Wife know that if they don’t resolve this soon, each will be attending all functions solo.

NOW, THEREFORE, the parties hereby agree to the following spare time terms:

    1. Wife will attend one ball-type game, the selection of which shall be in Husband’s sole discretion, and Husband will attend one opera performance, the selection of which shall be in Wife’s sole discretion. In exercising such discretion, both spouses will keep in mind that divorce lawyers are really expensive … (Sparring Over Spare Time is continued here.)

Drivers Who Make Me See Red

Thursday, August 10th, 2006

I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I’m prejudiced against people who drive red cars.

Yes, I know — bias is bad, and I’m very ashamed. But in my defense, let me add that RED CAR DRIVERS ARE LUNATICS.

Oops, did I say that? Sorry! I promise that from now on I’ll stop maligning those CERTIFIABLE MANIACS CAREENING AROUND IN BRIGHT RED AUTOMOBILES. … (Drivers Who Make Me See Red is continued here.)