Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PAIRS or PEARS or PARES or REPAIRS or PREPARES or COMPARES at the end of any one line

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PAIRS or PEARS or PARES or REPAIRS or PREPARES or COMPARES at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to THEFT, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best THEFT-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on December 2, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 1, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

It appears that my car needs repairs;
From the noise, you would swear that some bears
Are marauding inside,
Which ain’t good for the ride…
And impairs surreptitious affairs.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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109 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PAIRS or PEARS or PARES or REPAIRS or PREPARES or COMPARES at the end of any one line”

  1. Sharon Neeman says:

    A stripper with pasties and patch
    Hid her diamonds high up in her snatch,
    But a talebearing snitch
    Went and told on the bitch,
    And the stash was soon snatched — a good catch!

  2. Sharon Neeman says:

    I once had an apartment upstairs
    From a gal who took clients in pairs,
    But she quit in disgust
    When her portals of lust
    Were sealed off by Internal Affairs.

  3. HONEYMOON SWOON (a blatant rip-off of Mad Kane)

    It appears that my butt needs repairs;
    From the noise, you would swear some large flares
    Are exploding inside,
    Which ain’t good for the bride…
    And may lead to unwanted affairs!

  4. David Reddekopp says:

    She had beauty right down to an art
    And she caused all my breath to depart
    “She is gorgeous”, I said
    And at that, I dropped dead
    For the woman had stolen my heart!

  5. Lisi Nortman says:

    My “hubby” said, “Duct tape repairs
    Are “the fix” whether down or upstairs”
    When we had a flat tire
    Although it seemed dire
    He claimed it was “cheaper than spares”

  6. Lisi Nortman says:

    Big Deal! So I stole me a cruller!
    Hey! Life in this town can’t be duller!
    Got put in the clink
    I sure didn’t think
    ‘Bout Orange! (It just ain’t my color)

  7. Brian Allgar says:

    “Them Forestry ****s!” Donald swears.
    “All them wildfires! Who’ll pay for repairs?
    California’s burned,
    And I feel so concerned
    That I’m sending my thoughts and my prayers.”

  8. Lisi Nortman says:

    It seems that Viagra was stolen
    By crooks that were mainly Angolan
    The newspaper said:
    “Cops are full steam ahead
    And looking for thieves who are swollen”

  9. Mark G. Kane says:

    Wearing little to hide their plump pairs,
    The hookers encouraged more stares,
    From each guy who walked by,
    With a wink and bared thigh,
    As they flaunted their valuable wares.

  10. Judith H. Block says:

    Got a call, my credit card’s been hacked.
    As usual, I overreact.
    One more security breach.
    So many parties to reach.
    I’m enraged as I write this- a fact!

  11. Judith H. Block says:

    Gov. Brown hears Trump’s words; he just stares.
    Trump equated Finland’s forests with theirs.
    It’s climate change causation,
    A different situation.
    It’s like comparing oranges with pears.

  12. Judith H. Block says:

    Seems all her watches and clocks need repairs,
    She often goes to the mirror, just stares.
    The time pieces run too fast,
    Her youth is now in the past.
    She’s baffled-out of nowhere, those grey hairs.

  13. Judith H. Block says:

    Gov. Brown hears Trump’s words; he just stares.
    Finland and California, Trump compares.
    It’s climate change causation,
    A different situation.
    It’s like equating oranges with pears.

  14. Lisi Nortman says:

    Of course, we know twins come in pairs
    If you want them, say all of your prayers
    And here’s more advice:
    You must “get it on” twice
    First go up, then continue downstairs.

  15. Judith H. Block says:

    When it comes to lies, no one compares
    To Trump-
    he shoots off falsehoods and glares.
    Then denies what he said;
    Or doubles-down instead.
    What a frightening state of affairs.

  16. Sally Franz says:

    Trump can’t walk down stairs
    He grips handrails in pairs
    And you know damn well
    He’s never hiked a wooded trail
    Seen a fern, a faun or a bear.

  17. Lisi Nortman says:

    I need a mechanic who cares!
    These noises came so unawares!
    My car went cling clang
    And then went bing bang
    So I guess it is time for repairs

  18. Lisi Nortman says:

    On Tuesday, I went out to shop
    Stole some bras, but was caught by a cop
    In court I replied:
    “I would have just cried
    If I had to go flippity flop”

  19. Lisi Nortman says:

    My friend is just like a designer!
    Her place settings couldn’t be finer!
    She said, “I’m so gifted
    My cutlery’s lifted
    From many an upper-class diner”

  20. Lisi Nortman says:

    To rob stuff, I’m never afraid!
    So I lifted mascara at “Jade”
    Went back to the store
    To steal a few more
    I just need to find the right shade!

  21. Lisi Nortman says:

    My friend ain’t got “nothing upstairs”
    Said at Christmas, he says “all his prayers”
    (Sings a holiday song
    Where the words don’t belong):
    “A Partridge In Trees Full Of Pears”

  22. Ken Gosse says:

    He Who Smirks Best Won’t Last ~
    For the truest of truth, none compares
    With what Donald prepares for his heirs.
    From his derriere they feed,
    All consumed by his need
    To be loved for the mask that he wears.

  23. Dave Johnson says:

    They used to grow apples and pears
    Filling grocery bins with their wares.
    Now they’re serving us well
    In this Trumpian spell;
    With vineyards that drown all our cares.

  24. John Shardlow says:

    For theft from a butchers (Wal-Mart)
    An item unpaid in his cart
    Stealing entrails, unlawful
    His crime, taking offal
    Now punished for stealing a heart

  25. P Diane Schneider says:

    To speak of infamous pairs
    The steadfast journalist dares
    “The Sterling young men
    Are hunting again
    Your 45’s out with his heirs”

    The trophys hang at their lairs
    They keep on putting on airs
    This isn’t a joke
    I just want to choke
    But it’s fully legal he swears

  26. Lisi Nortman says:

    My friend always says, and she “swears!”
    That I’d love all those great county fairs
    So I went with my date
    And this guy guessed my weight
    Then I gave him a kick in his pairs.

  27. Tim James says:

    Twin sisters, so hot they drew stares,
    Swung on by to relieve all his cares.
    All misfortunes, you see,
    Come in batches of three,
    While the best things in life come in pairs.

  28. Lisi Nortman says:

    The prison on “Lake” got new chairs
    So the lowlifes can fry (man needs PRAYERS!)
    When the process is done
    He shouts, “THAT WAS FUN!”
    I think that these chairs need repairs.

  29. Lisi Nortman says:

    There’s nothing that closely compares
    To a life of real tawdry affairs
    To prevent spousal wrath
    Go and take a long bath
    So he won’t find unusual hairs.

  30. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: previous limerick: line 4 “Go take a long bath” will have better meter
    with “Go and take a long bath”
    Can you change that for me?
    Thank you, Lisi

    ********

    Done.

  31. Lisi Nortman says:

    Another Version Of A Holiday Song

    My friend ain’t got “nothing upstairs”
    Said at Christmas he says “all his prayers”
    (Sings a holiday song
    Where the words don’t belong:)
    “A Partridge In Trees With No Pears”

  32. Dave Johnson says:

    The game has the Vikings and Bears;
    Who’s winning? Well, nobody cares.
    The guys are in bunches;
    I’d say that my hunch is:
    At Hooters they’re watching the pairs.

  33. David Friedman says:

    Pierre, he appears at the piers
    With Perry and Parren, his peers
    As the pair sparely peers
    Pierre, he prepares
    Imperious perilous prayers.

  34. Lisi Nortman says:

    There’s no pleasure that even compares
    To a camp-out at “Yellowstone Fairs”
    You’ll have dirt up your pants
    And be bitten by ants
    Then make friends with some real hungry bears.

  35. David Friedman says:

    There once was a cold-hearted thief
    Who only caused heartache and grief
    The worst thing he stole
    Was this nation’s soul
    But that’s our Commander in Chief.

  36. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our grandson’s so sweet when he shares
    All his toys and his cute Teddy Bears
    Last week he turned three
    We’re so happy that he
    Handles all our computer repairs.

  37. Lisi Nortman says:

    For theft, you must be very smart
    Cause stealing is truly an art
    You don’t want to be found
    So do not make a sound
    And for goodness sake, hold in your fart.

  38. Lisi Nortman says:

    My wife still denies her affairs
    With the guy who does auto repairs
    She smells just like tires
    And old greasy wires
    And wears necklaces cut out from spares.

  39. John Shardlow says:

    I can’t stop staring at pairs
    Of subjects, I’m quite unawares
    They say, “Keep watching my lips,
    And if your gaze slips,
    Your tackle will need some repairs!”

  40. Dave Johnson says:

    Her guests start arriving in pairs;
    Then head to the rec room downstairs.
    After spirits or suds,
    They’re removing their duds;
    Jill’s parties are bang-up affairs.

  41. Carolyn P Henly says:

    There was once a sweet pair of au pairs
    Who were chamed by a pair of o’freres.
    When the two Irish monks
    Showed themselves to be skunks,
    The au pairs made the freres into pères.

  42. Tony Holmes says:

    Life, it seems, likes to do things in twos,
    Though exceptions abound to confuse.
    Buns and boobs come in pairs,
    As do hands: It all squares.
    Evolution? Or planning – but whose?

  43. Lisi Nortman says:

    I stole lipstick called “Dark Red Sublime”
    Couldn’t help it; I had but one dime
    It did not match my dress
    I just looked like a mess
    Now THAT’S what you call a true crime!

  44. Lisi Nortman says:

    If you want all the present-day news
    It’s a cinch to read all that you choose
    So just before dawn
    On your dear neighbor’s lawn
    Grab his paper. Don’t leave any clues.

  45. Dave Johnson says:

    A pickpocket fled from the bar;
    Tried running, but not very far.
    They ended the chase
    In a parking lot space;
    Somebody had stolen his car.

  46. Lisi Nortman says:

    My sweetheart proclaimed and he “swears”
    (I was shocked! And just caught unawares!)
    That he knows all the phrases
    And the one he most praises
    Is “A Bird In The Hand’s Worth Two Pairs”

  47. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Same sweetheart: verse 2”

    My sweetheart proclaimed and he “swears”
    (We were shocked! And just caught unawares!)
    That he knows EVERY song
    So “Let’s all sing along:
    To “A Bicycle Built Just For Pairs”

  48. Tony Holmes says:

    If you read while descending the stairs
    Give some thought to the cost of repairs.
    Sudden shock, or you’re pissed;
    Down you go – step is missed;
    Will insurance stump up for the spares?

  49. Lisi Nortman says:

    There is nothing that even compares
    To sitting in church saying prayers
    Next to someone who reeks
    (Hasn’t bathed in six weeks)
    And is letting out unsacred airs

  50. Dave Johnson says:

    A burglar was just apprehended
    In a manner not quite recommended.
    The loot had been stashed
    In a trunk that was mashed;
    His car was first chased then rear-ended.

  51. Lisi Nortman says:

    My “Granny” is working upstairs
    Making baskets of fruit, which she shares
    She’ll be down right away
    So I hope you will stay
    She’s just paring her last pair of pears.

  52. Margie Nairn says:

    I’m thinking of what I should wear,
    when dining on Thanksgiving fare.
    Need a “buffet-waistband”
    that can stretch and expand,
    and give me some cush room to spare!

  53. Margie Nairn says:

    I’m spending Thanksgiving in Boston.
    Took a plane with a pit stop through Austin.
    My children are there
    so I just said a prayer
    and I flew despite what it is costin’.

  54. Margie Nairn says:

    A hooker I met had green hair,
    and it didn’t look quite right down there.
    She said: “Baby, don’t knock it,
    I know how to rock it.”
    So I jumped in and tried not to stare.

  55. Margie Nairn says:

    Theft theme

    A thief made a crucial mistake
    and failed to divide up his take.
    His partner found out,
    punched him right in the snout,
    which caused their alliance to break.

  56. Margie Nairn says:

    I’m making some thanksgiving fare.
    A dish made with both yams and pear.
    Brown sugar and brandy,
    it tastes just like candy,
    I’m hoping there’s enough left to share.

  57. Margie Nairn says:

    A crook accidentally misplaced,
    his gun in the joint that he cased.
    And missing his pistol,
    could not pinch the crystal,
    and so he was plainly disgraced.

  58. Margie Nairn says:

    My twin aunts named Mary and Pat.
    One was thin and the other was fat.
    With their wavy brown hair,
    they made quite a pair,
    but a very strange sight to look at.

  59. Kirk Miller says:

    At the nudist camp, manager Fred
    Warned, “When walking, please carefully tread.
    They are making repairs
    On the sidewalk and stairs.”
    “Please bare with us,” construction sign read.

  60. John Shardlow says:

    In jail it’s a known rule of thumb
    You must never rat on a chum
    But, there’s innocence stolen
    And damage to colon
    By hiding his drugs up your bum

  61. Tony Holmes says:

    Time and fashion, the beautician’s friends,
    Hold the whip hand, dictating the trends.
    Every woman they scare
    Into lifetime repair,
    Becomes blind to the money she spends.

  62. Tony Holmes says:

    Theft?

    There is none like the tax man, who scares
    Working folk through to billionaires.
    Since the day some bright prick,
    By a very neat trick,
    Combined ‘The I.R.S.’ and made ‘Theirs’.

  63. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Chicago Exchange needs repairs
    Seems that something is wrong with the chairs
    They go up. They go down.
    Then go spinning around
    From watching the Bulls and the Bears.

  64. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m feelin’ just really so crappy
    This thief came and made it so snappy
    Had a sure-fire plan
    Stole my Prozac and RAN!
    Oh well, then, I hope that he’s happy.

  65. Lisi Nortman says:

    The thief came; the teller was bawling
    Then all of a sudden, was stalling
    She read his damn note
    And then started to gloat:
    “Your grammar is simply appalling!”

  66. Lisi Nortman says:

    We represent, “Steal Your Goods Geeks”
    And we use all the latest techniques
    Jim asked, “Is all clear?”
    I replied, “Have no fear”
    Facebook Status said, “Gone for two weeks”

  67. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: 2 limericks up: line 5 reads:
    ‘”Your grammar is really appalling”
    Could you change it to “Your grammar is simply appalling”

    Thank You..Lisi

    *****
    Done.

  68. Tony Holmes says:

    Better I think.

    There is none like the tax man, who scares
    Working folk through to billionaires.
    Since the day some bright prick,
    By a very neat trick,
    Ruled that ‘The I.R.S.’ now means ‘Theirs’.

  69. Tony Holmes says:

    Or…

    There is none like the tax man, who scares
    Working folk through to billionaires.
    Since the day some bright prick,
    By a very neat trick,
    Ruled that ‘The I.R.S.’ should read, ‘Theirs’.

  70. Tony Holmes says:

    And, NO!, it’s not autobiographical – not so far, anyway.

    When hemmed in on all sides by despairs,
    Seeking succour, one quickly repairs,
    To that den of delights,
    Where a floozy in tights
    Provides answers to all of one’s prayers.

  71. Tony Holmes says:

    To a Cockney, they’re ‘Apples and Pears’.
    And a tumble means months of repairs.
    Usual cause? Brahms and Liszt –
    Which, in Cockney, means ‘pissed’ –
    Which, in turn, will mean, ‘caught unawares’.

  72. Lisi Nortman says:

    This part of town’s gettin’ real tough
    And frankly, I’ve had just enough!
    So I put out a rug
    That says, “Listen thug:
    Rob the neighbor’s. They have better stuff”

  73. Lisi Nortman says:

    Jane reminds me of some of those bears
    Cause she needs to remove all those hairs!
    Her nose is too big
    And she looks like a pig
    (It’s a face that’s beyond all repairs)

  74. Ken Gosse says:

    Fits Fit Trump to a T ~
    In this vicious world not much compares
    to when President T puts on airs.
    His grievances grievous
    are so unbelievous
    yet minions get caught in his snares.

  75. Lisi Nortman says:

    I just love how my mother prepares
    The turkey; this woman sure cares!
    She stuffs it with kraut
    Which gets everyone out
    In one minute, right down all the stairs.

  76. A nation in need of repairs
    was caught on Sunday unawares.
    Now some cry, “Who the slob
    that said ‘Tear gas the mob!'”
    while the rest dine on nachos and tears.

  77. Lisi Nortman says:

    The sign said, “I Do Shoe Repairs”
    “Turn left, then go walk up the stairs”
    “For you I will DYE”
    “HEEL your SOLE (So don’t cry)
    “In one week, you will just have no cares”

  78. David Reddekopp says:

    It has penguins and camels and bears
    Every creature alive, and in pairs
    They’re all there in the park
    On a ludicrous ark
    Which is meant to instruct, but it scares.

  79. P Diane Schneider says:

    Who stole the election?

    I wonder why so many votes
    Went for whom 45 dotes
    Oh say, could it be
    Some guys would, for a fee
    Carry ballots away in their coats?

  80. Kirk Miller says:

    Ricky’s wallet the missus did steal.
    R. Ricardo then made this appeal:
    “That’s a bad thing to do.
    I am nervous ’cause you
    Picked a bad time to thieve me, Lucille.”

  81. Lisi Nortman says:

    At “Home Center” salesman just stares
    Makes believe he is caught unawares
    Pretends that he knows
    Just how everything “goes”
    Place is closed now for “bonehead repairs”

  82. Lisi Nortman says:

    Improvement on a previous limerick:

    This part of town’s ‘gettin real tough
    And frankly, I’ve had just enough!
    So I put out a rug
    That says, “Hey You Thug!”
    Rob the neighbors. They have better stuff.”

  83. Tim James says:

    A boy, an unlikable geek,
    Stole some candy, an act of pure pique.
    He got busted. His dad
    Whupped his ass pretty bad.
    (I could hardly sit down for a week.)

  84. Lisi Nortman says:

    The mechanic who lives up the stairs
    Claims my car needed many repairs
    Said “doodad’s not workin”
    And”gismo” is jerkin”
    (He’s really precise and he cares)

  85. Lisi Nortman says:

    “A Lesson In Falling Down Stairs”:
    (After which they might need some repairs)
    STEP 1 Then STEP 2
    Count more; you’re not through
    STEP 10 It’s now time for your swears.

  86. Fred Bortz says:

    I fell from the top of the stairs,
    And my body’s in need of repairs.
    But I still found the time
    To come up with this rhyme.
    Now let’s see if Mad Kane really cares.

    (NOTE: This is fiction)

  87. Fred Bortz says:

    He copied and pasted he text
    To submit to the Prof as his next
    Class writing assignment.
    But each stolen line meant
    His teacher was thoroughly vexed.

  88. Fred Bortz says:

    A trip to the “dark side”

    “Doctor Ruth” is a user who dares,
    Writing Facebook advice that she shares:
    “Don’t just rub it or shake it.
    It’s more fun to ‘make it.’
    Yes, sex is far better in pairs.”

  89. Lisi Nortman says:

    Better limerick,with the change of first word.”Lessons” to Instructions”

    Instructions to fall down the stairs:
    (After which they might need some repairs)
    Step 1 Then Step 2
    Count more; you’re not through
    Step 10, it’s now time for your swears.

  90. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Learning English”

    We live in a wonderful nation
    Where words are the best education
    If a guy robs one buck
    He is sure out of luck
    But much more is known as “taxation”

  91. Lisi Nortman says:

    My “hubby” and I were just walking
    (Then sat for a while, started talking)
    Noticed corn on the cob
    We decided to rob
    And then were arrested for stalking.

  92. Lisi Nortman says:

    Another Attempt at “Learning English Theft”

    We live in a very weird nation
    Where “words” are a strange education
    If a guy robs one buck
    He is sure out of luck
    But stealing one billion’s “Taxation”

  93. Sharon Neeman says:

    This may be TMI*, but who cares:
    We old dames have a problem with hairs —
    On our head, they’re too thin,
    But the ones on our chin
    Grow in groups by far larger than pairs.

    * Too much information.

  94. Fred Bortz says:

    To fully appreciate this, you need to see the Facebook conversation on the topic.

    Mad sees Dr. Ruth and compares
    Their statures, while everyone stares.
    Two diminutive gals
    Could become lifelong pals
    Standing tall as they climb up on chairs.

  95. David Friedman says:

    When your car’s in need of repairs
    Nobody else ever cares
    Til you block the road
    And need to be towed
    And then you get warm loving stares.

  96. Sharon Neeman says:

    What’s important to Trump is the deal,
    And it’s fine if you lie, cheat or steal.
    It would really be nice
    If his theft had a price –
    Let’s say “20 to life,” no appeal.

  97. John Shardlow says:

    Taking without owners consent (TWOC) is what joy riders are charged with in the UK

    Car doors are there for unlocking
    In my youth my behaviour was shocking
    Are there things I have missed?
    What’s top of my list?
    I think I’d have to tick twocking

  98. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our household’s religious and cares
    About all the food Mom prepares
    But my sister confessed
    Though the “roast beef was best”
    The spinach was “not in her prayers”

  99. Lisi Nortman says:

    There’s this lady who caters affairs
    And you’ll love all the things she prepares:
    Gourmet cheese, splendid wine
    It’s just always divine
    And a plan to escape down the stairs.

  100. John Shardlow says:

    For virtue, no other compares
    And what triggers her 1000 yard stares
    When you move into cuddle
    Be prepared for a struggle
    She won’t let you touch her downstairs

  101. Ailsa McKillop says:

    His PR team frankly despairs.
    High-brow and unkempt—think he cares?
    He will quote stuff from Horace
    Eccentric, blond Boris!
    Post-Brexit to run our affairs?

  102. Dale Biggs says:

    I’m not one for putting on airs,
    But I do know my onions and pears.
    The first make me cry
    But the second are why
    I’ll get plenty of likes and/or shares.

  103. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Theft”

    A gal rang the bell, (kinda’ sweet)
    She was “working out” stuff on a sheet
    Asked about my “IP”
    And I answered with glee!
    “My provider lives right on this street”

  104. John Shardlow says:

    When Prometheus stole fire from Zeus
    So that man could then cook his goose
    The God’s reward makes you shiver
    A bird ate his liver
    Clearly, religious abuse

  105. John Shardlow says:

    Another try for better scan

    When Prometheus stole fire from Zeus
    So that man could then cook his goose
    The God ‘s revenge made him shiver
    A bird kept eating his liver
    So clearly, religious abuse

  106. John Shardlow says:

    If your clothing’s feeling a bit drab
    Why not try taking a stab
    By Indulging your passion
    And stealing some fashion
    Just try the old smash and grab

  107. Margie Nairn says:

    When the Good Lord was handing out legs,
    I was sure that I heard Him say ‘kegs.”
    I asked for a pig pair
    and now people just stare,
    at the sizes of my weird looking pegs.

  108. Margie Nairn says:

    Theft Theme

    My father was noted for thieving,
    random folks he was often relieving.
    He hit on a jeweler
    landed right in the cooler,
    and left my poor mother home grieving.

  109. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 311. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Core.

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