Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LEWD or ELUDE or ALLUDE at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using either LEWD or ELUDE or ALLUDE at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write a themed limerick related to sleep and/or insomnia, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best sleep/insomnia-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on January 10, 2016, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 9, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

An actress deserved to be booed
For behavior decidedly lewd,
But she paid little price
For her crudity vice
Till revealing, “I think I’m a dude.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick(s) using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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169 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LEWD or ELUDE or ALLUDE at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5”

  1. The Karma Sutra is frequently viewed
    As wicked, licentious and lewd.
    But it’s simply recounting
    How a consensual mounting,
    Should start, progress and conclude.

  2. Kirk Miller says:

    My limericks often are lewd,
    And sometimes they tend to be crude.
    There’s a warped part of me,
    And I say with much glee,
    I am glad with this mind I’m imbued.

  3. Kirk Miller says:

    Some people are really quite lewd,
    Disgusting, perverted, and crude.
    I do think you’ll agree,
    You’ve these traits, just like me,
    So I think you’re a very fine dude.

  4. Kirk Miller says:

    For his birthday, a man who’s no prude
    Said, “My birthday cake’s saying things lewd.”
    I asked, “Will you show me?”
    The candles said, “Blow me!”
    And the cake replied, “Eat me!” How crude!

  5. Judith H. Block says:

    A guy whose behavior was lewd
    Tried seduction with erotic food
    Raw oysters would do
    Rich, dark chocolates, too;
    Fine wines to create the love mood.

  6. Judith H. Block says:

    To what do you mean to allude
    When you say I have great aptitude
    In all things exotic
    Not being neurotic..
    What else can one really conclude?

  7. Judith H. Block says:

    A gal who ate only health food
    Tried not to have pleasure elude
    With her food restrictions,
    Those craving addictions!
    She needed steadfast fortitude.

  8. Judith H. Block says:

    The Pompeii wall frescoes are lewd.
    They’re skillful in erotic mood.
    The cock sculptures arise
    To a rather large size
    One’s confounded by their magnitude.

  9. Jack seemed to allude
    That I was somewhat lewd
    My ankle was showing
    With my unknowing
    A “no no” at Parish of St. Jude

  10. not a duplicate

    The Deacon seemed to allude
    That I was somewhat lewd
    My ankle was showing
    Without my knowing
    (A “no-no at Parish St Jude)

  11. Marty McCullen says:

    I always try not to be lewd,”
    ‘Cause that could be really crude,
    But try as I might,
    I just have to fight
    When I’m in a really bad mood.

  12. Marty McCullen says:

    To what do you really allude
    When you’re in a very bad mood?
    You try to be nice
    And give some advice,
    But really you think you were screwed.

  13. Marty McCullen says:

    The times that I try to elude
    Are those where I seem to be crude.
    But try as I might,
    I end up in a fight,
    And come across nothing but lewd.

  14. Marty McCullen says:

    If Santa had ever been booed,
    It wasn’t because of the food,
    But one time he was,
    And that was because
    He thought that the chimneys were crude.

  15. You should not elude
    Or forget to invite Ms. Jude
    She loves when there are three
    To her it’s a jubilee
    And she has the “just right” turpitide

  16. You should not elude
    Or forget to invite Ms. Jude
    She loves when there are three
    To her it’s a jubilee
    And she has the “just right” turpitude

  17. Fred Bortz says:

    The limerick mistress is shrewd
    To suggest that that our verses be lewd
    And allude to our privies,
    Or privates, or skivvies,
    With words excremental and crude.

  18. Judith H. Block says:

    The last time I had tried to be lewd
    With fun limericks of great turpitude
    It got out of hand
    Not what I had planned.
    So I hesitate now to be crude.

  19. Raphael Harris says:

    The farmers work hard to grow food,
    Which gives them the right to talk lewd?
    The thing that I missed,
    Is why they insist,
    They want me to walk around nude.

  20. Judith H. Block says:

    When things at night start getting lewd
    And I’m having fun…”Don’t stop, Dude!”
    I think I won’t sleep
    Such feelings I reap
    Then drift off in blissful gratitude.

  21. John Edwards says:

    There was a young stripper from Bude
    Who appeared on the stage in the nude.
    She smothered her nipples
    In raspberry ripples.
    And the rest of her act was quite lewd.

  22. John Edwards says:

    Permit me, dear friends, to allude
    To a novel considered quite rude.
    “Lady Chatterley’s Lover”
    (As the world would discover)
    Was erotic; exotic; not lewd.

  23. Bill Landau says:

    The party had gotten quite lewd
    And she felt that she had to elude
    The guy who had chased her
    And tried to debase her
    With the actions to which he’d allude.

  24. Marty Gerendasy says:

    The other night when I was stewed,
    I thought I would try something lewd.
    So I found a young lady
    Who looked like aunt Sadie
    That’s when I got badly unglued.

  25. Diane Groothuis says:

    A schoolboy who was very rude
    And whose language was always quite crude
    Was by other boys rushed
    And was ducked and then flushed
    In the toilet ( which meant he’d been loo-ed).

  26. Marty Gerendasy says:

    A beverage that’s properly brewed
    Can make you do things
    That are lewd.
    But if it’s too gassy,
    You’ll stop being classy.
    And make sounds that some would call crude.

  27. My husband is not at all lewd
    He doesn’t like to be pursued
    He lies on the bed
    As if he were dead
    Why the hell did I marry a prude?

  28. Judith H. Block says:

    The worrisome thoughts
    Reality intruder
    That prevents my sleep.

  29. You’re alluring and extremely lewd
    You have the perfect attitude
    For a sensual dame
    With no prudish shame
    (Oh, how I love to be wooed!)

  30. The Kama Sutra is enticingly lewd
    It’s not a book for a prude
    You can stand on your head
    Until you drop dead
    Oh, how I love to do what’s tabooed

  31. Kirk Miller says:

    When your toes fall asleep, I suppose
    That the blood circulation, it slows.
    But the digits aren’t dead,
    So I call them, instead,
    By a term that is apt: comatose.

  32. Kirk Miller says:

    After closing my eyes, counted sheep
    And fell into a slumber quite deep.
    Dreamed The Hobbit I wrote;
    My wife quickly did note
    That I simply was Tolkien in my sleep.

  33. Kirk Miller says:

    There once was a wave in a lake;
    Fell asleep, which was quite a mistake.
    When a speedboat came by,
    He woke up and did sigh,
    “It appears that right now I’m a wake.”

  34. Kirk Miller says:

    Here’s advice; couples, take it to heart.
    Sleep on water bed? No, please don’t start.
    That particular bed
    Should be viewed with much dread,
    ‘Cause quite soon you’ll be drifting apart.

  35. Kirk Miller says:

    The pillowcase cloth, I’m afraid,
    Is corduroy, so I’m dismayed.
    When I lie down to sleep,
    Indentations quite deep
    Are left. That’s how headlines are made.

  36. Kirk Miller says:

    Getting piglets to sleep’s not a chore
    For their father, who sits on the floor
    By their bed. Tales he’ll spin
    When his offspring turn in.
    They nod off ’cause their daddy’s a boar.

  37. Kirk Miller says:

    When I thought about sleep, I supposed
    That no matter the way that I posed,
    I’d sleep naturally.
    It’s so easy for me,
    I could do it with both my eyes closed.

  38. yt cai says:

    Evelyn was feeling quite lewd
    While Rudy was there in the mood
    Down in the boat house
    She made her man grouse
    By starting the old Ev-in-Rude

  39. yt cai says:

    When our politicians collude
    It’s the people who always get screwed
    Whether losing our rights
    Or more middle class blights
    More voters become jaded and hued

    Who we elect, does not matter, Dude
    More gun barrels are hollowed and blued
    We know what’s in store
    As we look down the bore
    And to even question it is somehow crude

    Even if we find them all nude
    In a brothel or restroom screwed
    They still get elected
    We get more dejected
    Oh the stink that these A-holes exude!

    It all started when a chad did protrude
    And the Supremes, they all came unglued
    As the neo-cons rule
    Peace is now uncool
    Endless war was ushered in as the mood

    When we run out of shelter and food
    And we’re all praying to old St. Jude
    Anarchy will rein
    It all seems insane
    Change now, or this will be certitude

  40. Jon Gearhart says:

    Crass behavior, decidedly crude.
    Only now we are learning this dude
    Served up drinks and a pill
    But stuck them with the Bill.
    You see how we both used allude?

  41. Stephen B. Fleming says:

    Inspired to conduct most lewd
    By Billy Squire’s “Stroke Me” etude.
    I was driving the car.
    She was going too far.
    Her folks cried from the back, ”How Rude”.

  42. Ian Graham says:

    The family audience eschewed
    His Mother Goose, finding it lewd.
    A pantomime dame
    Can get a bad name
    By playing full-frontally nude.


    The Kama Sutra is enticingly lewd
    It’s not a book for the prude
    You can stand on your head
    Until you drop dead
    And miraculously still get screwed

  44. Marty Gerendasy says:

    Before bed, eating hot spicy food
    Means that once again, sleep will elude.
    I toss and I turn.
    My intestines, they burn.
    If I don’t change my habits,
    I’m screwed.

  45. He said I was delightfully lewd
    Especially when in the nude
    We got into bed
    He seemed to play dead
    Another shmo with ineptitude

  46. I heard my friends allude
    That I have never been screwed
    I wear the proper nun’s garb
    My last name’s Goldfarb
    You see, I’m a hopeless prude

  47. Be smart and try to elude
    Anyone who seems to be lewd
    I tried it one day
    He had the nerve to say,
    “Sorry, I’m not in the mood”

  48. Judith H. Block says:

    I’ve learned that one should never write
    A limerick when it’s late at night.
    Too charged up to sleep!
    Words dance, whirl, and leap
    Still basking in pleasant delight.

  49. A little more naughty

    The Kama Sutra is enticingly lewd
    It’s not a book for the exceedingly prude
    You can stand on your head
    Until you drop dead
    And miraculously you can still get sufficiently screwed

  50. I toss and turn in my uncomfortable bed
    With visions of sugar plums in my head
    When that doesn’t work
    I feel like a jerk
    So I watch re-runs of “Mr. Ed”

  51. When you cannot sleep
    You also can’t dream
    You think of what to do
    Will you ever pull through?
    So go and get some vanilla ice cream!

  52. Sue Dulley says:

    McCartney recorded “Hey Jude”
    To cheer up the son of some dude
    Who’d be seventy five
    If he were still alive.
    You all know to whom I allude.

  53. Sue Dulley says:

    Some answers my poor brain elude:
    McCartney created “Hey Jude”
    For Julian L. –
    I assume he could spell,
    So why not “Hey Jule” or “Hey Dude”?

  54. Sue Dulley says:

    Charles Dickens will never conclude
    The book where he killed Edwin Drood.
    He went up to heaven
    While stuck on Part Seven,
    Decisions, perhaps, to elude.

  55. Sue Dulley says:

    Kirk Miller:
    The pillows about which I’m griping
    Are those which have cases with piping
    Just where your cheek lies
    Or the edge of your eyes,
    And that’s why this lim’rick I’m typing.

  56. Sue Dulley says:

    For non-prudes, a verse about “lewd”
    Would rightly include something crude
    Or allude to rude jokes
    Such as when nude, stewed folks
    Having wooed, viewed and screwed, now are glued.

  57. Tim James says:

    My insomnia cure isn’t booze;
    Neither pills nor warm milk do I use.
    But a long string of lies
    Makes me nod, close my eyes.
    It’s a cure that I’m calling “Fox Snooze.”

  58. Anthropologist Ed misconstrued
    The native girl’s gesture (so lewd!),
    And tragedy followed:
    It’s true that she swallowed,
    But first thing, she bit. And she chewed.

  59. Sue — it’s either ’cause Julian’s pa
    Thought the song was a little bourgeois,
    Or ’cause Paul (being dead)
    Was confused in the head…
    (Singing, “Na, na na, na-na na na.”)

  60. I’m so tired I can’t even think
    I feel like I’m on the brink
    My eyes are so blurred
    For the worst has occurred
    My computer is on the blink

  61. When someone says you’re lewd
    It means you’re somewhat crude
    Don’t let them down
    Go and paint the town
    Have a ball and go and get screwed

  62. Insomnia can drive you insane
    You lie there and rack your brain
    What can I do
    I’m feeling so blue
    It’s time for some Mary Jane

  63. Insomnia can make you berserk
    You lie there and feel like a jerk
    You toss and turn
    For sleep you yearn
    And punching the pillow just won’t work

  64. Dave Johnson says:

    With a manner both haughty and rude,
    He sounds like a grumpy old prude.
    But this you should know:
    Underneath it would show
    His panties are naughty and lewd.

  65. Dave Johnson says:

    Now I lay me down to sleep;
    I pray my country’s soul to keep.
    Don’t put to work
    Some blowhard jerk
    As P.O.T.U.S., congressman or Veep.

  66. In the probable GOP nom’nee, a
    Good cure has been found for insomnia,
    For it certainly looks
    Like there’s no duller books
    Than Donald Trump’s opera omnia.

  67. Val Fish says:

    She thought my proposal quite lewd
    But she soon changed her attitude
    When the sight of my tool
    Made her dribble and drool
    Lots of licking and sucking ensued

  68. Allen Wilcox says:

    Her carpenter boyfriend was lewd.
    He first got her drinks but no food.
    As she saw he was chiseled
    And, as part of her sizzled,
    She got hammered and nailed and screwed.

  69. There once was a bloke who awoke
    With a thought for a limerick joke.
    He’d be sleepless, he knew,
    ‘Til he’d worked it all through,
    So he scribbled, “There once was a bloke…”

  70. It’s eleven. You turn out the light.
    The room is as dark as the night.
    You yearn for repose,
    But your eyes will not close:
    There’s something that just isn’t right.

    In your mind, the ideas are reeling…
    You’re left with a terrible feeling
    That the thoughts of the day
    Simply won’t go away,
    So you lie there and stare at the ceiling.

    You’re constantly tossing and turning —
    You’re freezing — next minute, you’re burning.
    You glance at the clock
    And you see with a shock
    That it’s two. But your brain is still churning.

    You find you’re beginning to twitch,
    For the blanket is starting to itch.
    You try counting sheep.
    Then your leg falls asleep,
    And you think: lucky sonofabitch.

    You’ve now made a mess of the bed:
    You’re all tangled up in the spread.
    As the black turns to grey
    In the new-dawning day,
    The whites of your eyes turn to red.

    Eight hours you’ve tortured your brain
    To come up with a verse for Mad Kane
    On insomnia. Well,
    Those eight hours of hell
    Have left you completely insane.

    But there’s no time for that any more:
    Get up! Put your feet on the floor!
    There’s a day’s work ahead,
    So… (you fall back in bed;
    As your head hits the pillow, you snore.)

  71. Mark Kane says:

    Over dinner my date acted lewd,
    While she nibbled and sucked on her food.
    As my hunger soon grew,
    I thought hard what she’d do
    Once we’re nude, now that I’m in the mood.

  72. When night time rolls around
    I’m plagued with the mysterious “creep”
    My mind works overtime
    Trying to create a rhyme
    I’m just too smart to sleep

  73. Dave Johnson says:

    On their wedding night, Sheila and Ned
    Carried on in their honeymoon bed.
    Then she cooed “Hold me tight
    And we’ll cuddle all night.”
    But he turned on the TV instead…

  74. In the Eighties, Lewd Lou was the dude
    For drugs for improving the mood.
    It was always enough
    That he’d mention his “stuff”:
    It was ‘Ludes to which Lewd Lou’d allude.

  75. Dave Johnson says:

    Plain decency seems to elude
    That boss; such a mean little dude.
    He gathered the staff
    And said with a laugh:
    “Don’t like unemployment? You’re screwed.”

  76. cphenly says:

    The students’ poor writing did keep
    Their sad teacher from getting her sleep.
    They spelled ewe using u,
    Confused to too and two,
    And for verbs they just baaaad like a sheep.

  77. cphenly says:

    All the rules of grammar elude
    My dim students who’ve clearly eschewed
    Anything that might look
    Like a serious book.
    Their idea of wit is “yo dude!”

  78. Lisi Nortman says:


    When it’s time for me to sleep
    I am plagued with the mysterious creep
    My mind works overtime
    Creating yet another rhyme
    As I sow, I shall surely reap

  79. Suzanne Heymann says:

    The smell of the chef’s gourmet food
    Was temptation she couldn’t elude
    He knew the best way
    To her heart was midway
    ‘Tween her mouth and the place where she pooed.

  80. Suzanne Heymann says:

    This version of my limerick above was what I actually aimed for in the first place (finally got it), but before that, images of the above version was plastering itself all over my mind’s eye, blocking the view to this one, but I finally broke through it.

    The smell of the chef’s gourmet food
    Was temptation she couldn’t elude
    He knew the best way
    To her heart was to play
    Through her stomach – successfully wooed!

  81. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A stripper who liked being prude
    Would never go totally nude
    And when men dropped their pants
    She said, “No! I just dance!”
    She’d allude to elude being lewd.

  82. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A pedophile, rude, crude and lewd
    When caught, he just knew he was screwed
    The inmates removed
    All his gonads and proved
    That he won’t ever be in the mood!

  83. Suzanne Heymann says:

    The short burlesque act was quite lewd
    And despite that, the audience booed
    So the girls hatched a plan
    That they’d lapdance each man
    And that soon changed the spectators’ mood.

  84. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Some people think I am a prude
    Hell, I don’t even bathe in the nude
    Oh, but with the right man
    I would do what I can
    To be Queen of Perversion and Lewd.

  85. Tom Harris says:

    Roger preferred his women stewed,
    Of course he knew it sounded crude.
    But babes who couldn’t walk
    Or hardly even talk
    Were much more willing to get lewd.

  86. Marty Gerendasy says:

    Resolutions I thought I could keep
    ‘Til I found I was in way too deep.
    So to hell with that list!
    I don’t care who gets pissed!
    I’m not going to lose any sleep.

  87. Suzanne Heymann says:

    At bedtime, Dad’s stories were full o’ lies–
    His life as an agent was full o’ spies
    Well, those tales would just keep
    Us from falling asleep
    But we’d always count sheep with Mum’s lullabies.

  88. Suzanne Heymann says:

    If you sleep like a baby, you’re nuts!
    Because every two hours your guts
    Are screaming for food
    And your pants have been pooed
    ‘Cause not one of your holes ever shuts.

  89. Suzanne Heymann says:

    This new couple, so sweet and adoring
    In time, got cold feet and were boring
    In the bedroom they’d fight
    Sometimes spit out of spite
    Every night, he’d complete it with snoring.

  90. Suzanne Heymann says:

    If you are depending all night on
    An easy deep sleep, I say, “Right on!”
    But the difference between
    Light and hard can be seen
    You can easily sleep with the light on.

  91. Suzanne Heymann says:

    The best sleep advice I ever had
    Was to never go off to bed mad
    ‘Cause your back will soon slouch
    From bad sleeps on that couch
    And the ouch that you feel would be bad.

  92. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Insomnia does have a cure
    Of that I am perfectly sure
    Unconscious, unstable
    I’m under the table
    Soon after two shots of liqueur.

    I’m sleepy and lose all my spunk
    My buddies call me a cheap drunk
    I would if I could
    Stay awake like I should
    But my good reputation is sunk.

  93. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Long ago, I invented a game
    For which I’ve not yet found a name
    While you play — if you laugh
    That’s a game-losing gaffe
    All you need is a bed and your ‘flame.’

    First, your beau comes to you as you ‘sleep’
    And removes all your clothes in a heap
    The rules are — don’t giggle
    Stay limp and don’t wiggle
    Closed eyes and straight face you must keep.

    Your only legitimate fear
    Is it’s harder than it may appear
    You’re a deadweight no doubt
    And there’s NO helping out
    When you’re done you can both have a beer…

    …Or whatever else might bring good cheer
    Just to help boost the good atmosphere
    But whatever you do
    (Though you might like the view)
    Don’t go swinging from some chandelier.

    (true story… all of it)

    If you do laugh or wiggle, keep going
    Can’t let the momentum stop flowing
    The rules you’ll be bending
    The fun’s never-ending
    It’s one game you won’t be outgrowing.

    There is just one more thing you should do
    Before having your cold barley brew
    Once the clothes are withdrawn
    Have some PJs put on
    While you ‘sleep,’ then switch roles, start anew.

  94. He’s loud, xenophobic, and rude.
    His method, bombastic and crude,
    Makes his poll numbers rise,
    But it’s based upon lies —
    He cries, “Après moi, la Delude!”

    (NB: The actual French for “delude” is “tromper”, which is ridiculously appropriate.)

  95. Tim James says:

    A fellow once tried to elude
    Married life, for a reason quite crude:
    “Buy the cow? Not for me,
    When the milk comes for free!”
    But “the cow” overheard him. He’s screwed.

  96. It’s 2am and I’m eating cake
    At this ridiculous time, I’m always awake
    Charles is snoring away
    Like a pig in hay
    I’d like to kill him, but crime doesn’t pay

  97. Judith H. Block says:

    It’s late and I can’t fall asleep
    You smiled; my heart started to leap
    After that, can’t recall
    What had happened at all
    Just the feeling that I want to keep.

  98. Val Fish says:

    Some people might call me a prude
    But I found his behaviour quite lewd
    When he got out his dick
    At our family picnic
    My poor folks were put right off their food

  99. Lisi Nortman says:


    It’s 2am, and I’m eating cake
    At this ridiculous time, I’m always awake
    Charles is snoring away
    Like a pig in hay
    I’d like to kill him, but I need a tax break

  100. (I have a nagging feeling I’m repeating this from somebody else’s entry for a previous rhyme word; if so, I apologize)

    A horrid old pervert from Bude
    (Whose conduct was loathesome and lewd)
    Once got his dick stuck in
    A cow he was fuckin’,
    Which thoroughly ruined the mooooooooooood.

  101. Since music, they say, is the food
    Of love, from now on I’ll allude
    To Top 40 singles
    As Twinkies and Pringles:
    Addictive, unhealthy and crude.

  102. Brian Allgar says:

    How I long for a slumber that’s deep!
    I have tried to count gambolling sheep,
    But instead, they count me,
    And before they’ve reached three,
    Every sheep in the flock is asleep.

  103. Brian Allgar says:

    Insomnia can be a sorrow
    (Reciting from ‘Aardvark’ to ‘Zorro’?),
    But it helps me replay
    My omissions today,
    And all that I won’t do tomorrow.

  104. Brian Allgar says:

    “Yes! Fuck me!” she cried. “That’s so rude”,
    I informed her, “Please do not be lewd.”
    “Oh, I’m sorry”, she said,
    “Copulation instead?”
    I pondered the word as we screwed.


    I’m so tired, I can’t even think
    I feel like I’m on the brink
    My eyes are so blurred
    For the worst has occurred:
    My BELOVED computer is on the blink

  106. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Holy crap, Brian Allgar, you’re lewd!
    And disgusting and just a bit rude
    Though your last name is ‘Allgar
    Instead, should read ‘Vulgar’
    You’re quite entertaining, but crude.
    (And you’re putting these men in the mood!)

  107. Brian Allgar says:

    The cannibals relished their food;
    The question was: fried, baked or stewed?
    Their victim, called Trump,
    Said “Just suck on my rump”,
    But they thought him excessively lewd.

  108. Brian Allgar says:


    I’m bemused as to what you allude.
    I’m the model of stern rectitude;
    Only innocent quips
    Are allowed through my lips,
    Though the girls can do something quite rude.

  109. Brian Allgar says:

    “Holy crap”? Though I’m only a layman,
    That’s blasphemy, dearest Ms. Heymann.
    Scatological, too –
    No, it really won’t do,
    Except for a monk who’s a gay man.

    (The implications of the last line are for cruder minds than mine to decipher.)

  110. Suzanne Heymann says:


    It’s quite interesting how you elude
    The real facts which you blatantly skewed
    Your dramatical turds
    Are the gems shat by nerds
    My own words you have quite misconstrued.

  111. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Love your talent to twist a true story
    If I’m caught with a crime predatory
    Just be my attorney
    If you make the journey
    Financially, you won’t be sorry.

  112. Sighed the hooker, about to be screwed
    By a lecher all filthy and lewd,
    “If you want me Down There
    In that foul, matted hair,
    Then at least put your balls in a snood!”

  113. In your limerick, if you’ve eschewed
    All elements earthy and lewd,
    You’ll end up with a verse
    That’s so tepid and terse
    That you might as well just have haiku-ed.

    (Just kidding, btw.)

  114. Dave Johnson says:

    The Anthony Weiner prayer:

    Now I lay me down to sleep;
    My sexting pics are hers to keep.
    If they’re too lewd,
    I might be screwed;
    And pray the shit won’t get too deep.

  115. Dave Johnson says:

    An “affluenza” attack:

    With his mommy, he tried to elude
    The police and a manhunt ensued.
    Then, south of the border,
    They called in an order
    For pizza; that’s how they were screwed.

  116. I was so tired that I let out a scream
    All I wanted was a pleasant dream
    Then a knock on the wall
    Whispered, “My name is Paul”
    What a great way to blow off some steam

  117. Byron Ives says:

    She had felt so ashamed, even lewd
    “Oh my God, he must think I’m just crude!”
    When he’d ventured a lick,
    She had quivered so quick
    But he’d grinned and said, “I love fast-food!”

  118. Byron Ives says:

    His thinking is focused and deep
    With which of these girls will he sleep?
    The redhead looks tight,
    But that blonde’s out-a-sight
    Inflatable dolls are not cheap!

  119. David Reddekopp says:

    It’s late and I’m lusty and lewd
    Can I play with my wife in the nude?
    My request she rejects
    For she doesn’t want sex
    “Not tonight, dear – I’m not in the mood.”

  120. David Reddekopp says:

    As I waited, I soon fell asleep
    And I quickly was counting those sheep
    Though it beat masturbating
    I tired of waiting
    The line for this lady ran deep.

    I awoke with a start from my slumber
    As the call-girl was calling my number
    And her cunt, in a minute
    From when I went in it
    Was coming around my cucumber.


    Though there’s nothing inherently lewd
    In the name “Moby Dick”, mirth ensued:
    Then I’d read “There she blows!”
    And I’d snort through my nose,
    And milk through my blow-hole I spewed.

  122. There’s nothing inherently lewd
    About “naked”. Though naked is rude,
    And the Moralists loathed
    Ever being unclothed,
    It’s only a sin if you’re “nude”.

  123. Byron Ives says:

    A weird narcoleptic named Ted
    Had dreams about peeing the bed
    He became overwrought,
    Tied his dick in a knot
    Now sadly, it’s all in his head

  124. Byron Ives says:

    Their teacher was napping , alas
    His third time this week, what an ass!
    The students were pissed,
    And all self-dismissed
    He soon realized he had no class

  125. When I try to sleep, I toss and turn
    For a good night’s rest is all I yearn
    I punch Charles in the face
    What a fluky disgrace
    He’s traded me in for a sex doll called “Fern”


    When it’s time for me to sleep
    I am TORMENTED by the mysterious creep
    My mind works overtime
    Thinking of yet another rhyme
    As I sow, I surely shall reap

  127. Brian Allgar says:

    While Rubens was painting a nude,
    He did something really quite lewd.
    He put down his brush
    And he painted her tush
    With a whiteish concoction he spewed.

  128. Brian Allgar says:

    But Titian preferred to conclude
    In a manner less flagrantly rude.
    “When painting”, said Titian,
    “I like my rendition
    To end with the mouth of the nude.”

  129. Dave Johnson says:

    He said “I don’t wish to intrude,
    But your dancing is tawdry and lewd.”
    She replied with a frown
    (though it was upside-down)
    “First time in a strip club there dude?”

  130. Dave Johnson says:

    A traveling salesman named Bo
    Was in the bar for an hour or so.
    With no prospects in sight,
    His companion that night
    Had an air valve and mouth that said “OH!”

  131. Brian Allgar says:

    Andy Warhol, though, simply pooh-poohed
    Such pretentiousness. “Listen up, dude –
    When I’m painting a can
    Mr Campbell’s the man,
    And the crap that his cans all include.”

  132. Dave Johnson says:

    Johnny Manziel is a dude
    Who parties then tries to elude
    Coaches and staff
    With a fake photograph
    So his day job will never intrude.

  133. Kristin Smith says:

    From Phyllis Sterling Smith:

    Ev’ry night is a visit to hell.
    No matter the hour I can tell
    That sleep will elude me,
    Will never include me.
    By morning I’ll not look so well.

    I go to bed early or late,
    Knowing my inescapable fate:
    I’ll toss and I’ll turn,
    Maybe calories burn.
    Oh joy! Perhaps I will lose weight.

  134. Fred Bortz says:

    The commercials all grab your attention
    For drugs named with utmost pretension.
    They promise you’ll rest
    With a slumber that’s blessed
    Plus side effects that they must mention.

    You may walk in your sleep, even drive
    And know not where you may arrive.
    Suicide? That may happen
    While blissfully nappin’.
    Those pills make you glad you’re alive.

  135. Byron Ives says:

    All day my wife’s in my ear squawking
    What she saw last night left her just gawking
    Found our house guest, a doll,
    And me, nude, down the hall
    I hate it when I go sleepwalking

  136. Stephen B. Fleming says:

    Any day’s for a nap Mad agrees.
    Slumberland time one must seize.
    To absently doze
    In complacent repose
    Adieu, I gotta catch some z’s.

  137. Byron Ives says:

    My wife’s been asleep for a week
    In a coma. Things look a bit bleak
    The house is all strewn,
    If she doesn’t wake soon,
    It’s medical attention I’ll seek

  138. Dave Johnson says:

    With BFFs raucous and rude,
    Her bachelorette party was lewd.
    The stripper arrived,
    He barely survived;
    Hard work for an outstanding dude.

  139. Dave Johnson says:

    At a party, Bill tried to elude
    A girlfriend last month he eschewed.
    She came up to greet
    With “I’d like you to meet
    McGregor, that UFC dude.”

  140. Byron Ives says:

    I thought I was orn’ry and mean,
    But in that realm my wife’s the queen
    Some nights I’ll konk out,
    Then she’ll sneak about,
    And fart in my CPAP machine

  141. Lisi Nortman says:

    Sleep eluded me just last night
    I think it was a case of “The Fright”
    I turned to Fred
    Who seemed to be dead
    Alas, my friends, I got it right

  142. Lisi Nortman says:

    I think IT was a case of the fright, not I think I was a case of the fright

    Thank You

    (Note from MBK: I changed it for you.)

  143. Lisi Nortman says:

    Oh, how I could use a NAP!
    I try so hard and then ZAP!
    I get a lick in the face
    And an attempted embrace
    From my beloved puppy LAPP!

  144. Diane Groothuis says:

    On days when I really can’t sleep
    I toss and lament and I weep
    The blankets come off
    I wheeze then I cough
    Then resort to the old “counting sheep”.

  145. John Armstrong says:

    If you have a bad attitude
    That’s no excuse to be rude
    Your shorts in a twist
    Invite a clenched fist
    And other mayhem to elude

  146. Marty Gerendasy says:

    Please forgive me if I don’t allude
    To the acts I’ve performed that were lewd.
    There were only a few
    And they don’t involve you
    So the facts will just have to elude.

    (Edited version. Periods deleted.)

  147. Dave Johnson says:

    They met at the gallery door;
    She thought “Sexy, charming and more…”
    Then, later that night
    As she turned out the light,
    He asked “Have I been here before?”

  148. Dave Johnson says:

    The fellow’s somewhat of a prude;
    Not prone to be naughty or lewd.
    At Haulover Beach,
    For a necktie he’ll reach;
    He hates being totally nude.

  149. The minister said, “It is lewd
    to take off your top or go nude”
    He never did say
    How he’d tried it one day
    And rued he’d never resumed

  150. Byron Ives says:

    This poem surely borders on twaddle,
    But insomnia you shouldn’t coddle
    If sleep does elude,
    Don’t cry, weep, or brood,
    Just reach for the Ambien bottle

  151. Byron Ives says:

    He knows what he’d like if he could
    At his age it does him no good
    About it he’s placid
    ‘Cuz it will go flaccid
    That nuisance they call ‘morning wood’

  152. Byron Ives says:

    oops, sorry you’re seeing double, but the first paste didn’t seem to get submitted….

    (Note from MBK: No problem. I deleted the first one.)

  153. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Got PJs on sale really cheap
    They even have pockets quite deep
    I want to but don’t
    That means that I won’t
    Have to hold things when I am asleep.

  154. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Wide awake, sick of counting those sheep
    So it’s off to the graveyard I creep
    I blinked as I read
    A big tombstone that said–
    “I am just catching up on my sleep.”

  155. Suzanne Heymann says:

    My friend’s wall can talk — that’s berserk!
    It can even tell time — what a quirk!
    He just gives it a whack
    And the wall answers back —
    “It’s 1:30 a.m. you dumb jerk!”

    He is reaping the fruits of his labor
    But those words — they cut deep like a sabre
    The voice seems to chide
    From the wall’s other side
    ‘Think it comes from his sleep-deprived neighbor.

  156. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A recurring nightmare which haunts me
    Blank face with a voice that just taunts me
    A ghost on some level
    Or maybe the devil?
    There’s something out there and it wants me.

    I ought to get help, so me thinks
    But send me no clergy, no shrinks
    Sedation? Vacation?
    Or just meditation?
    Or stiff combination of drinks?

  157. Suzanne Heymann says:

    If it’s sleep that you try to elude
    You might be in the partying mood
    Just heed what I say
    And make sure the next day
    You don’t show up at work in the nude.

  158. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Sometimes getting sleep eludes ME
    I go nuts, I could just climb a tree
    But what I do instead
    Is I climb out of bed
    And write lim’ricks all night and drink tea.

  159. Allen Wilcox says:

    The lady in question – no prude –
    Preferred to parade in the nude.
    There were some liked her ways
    And offered her praise.
    There were others who just thought her lewd.

  160. Allen Wilcox says:

    From the mountains appeared Rip Van Winkle,
    Now awake and with nary a wrinkle.
    His bladder – it burst.
    The townspeople cursed,
    And renamed him the Great Drip Van Tinkle.

  161. Brian Allgar says:

    Godiva went riding quite nude;
    The villagers all “aahed!” and “oohed!”
    But her hair back and front
    Concealed breasts, bum and cunt –
    A lady should never seem lewd.

  162. As I walked, in belligerent mood,
    I encountered a stranger — a dude
    With binoculars, viewing.
    “Say, what are you doing?”
    I asked him (I feared something lewd).

    “I’m watching,” the other man said,
    “Some nice Bearded Tits*.” I turned red.
    It was worse than I feared:
    He’s perverted AND weird!
    So I gave him a smack on his head.

    * Panurus blarmicus

  163. Byron Ives says:

    I succumbed to the hypnotist’s chants
    And was deep in his malleable trance
    But the crowd didn’t clap,
    And he uttered, “Oh crap!”
    Well, I sued for a new pair of pants

  164. Lisi Nortman says:

    People say it’s lewd
    To be in public in the nude
    But in Paris (PAREE)
    You will clearly see
    Folks with the right attitude

  165. Brian Allgar says:

    A variant of the one above:

    Said Godiva, “They “aahed!” and they “oohed!”
    When they saw me on horseback, quite nude.
    But my hair, back and front,
    Hid my bum, tits and cunt,
    For a lady must never be lewd.”

  166. Dave Johnson says:

    The Donald is not one to brood
    Or chastise, insult and allude
    To peoples’ defects,
    Appearance or sex.
    Just kidding – he wins and we’re screwed.

  167. Byron Ives says:

    That hypnotist known as Phillipe
    Why his cost of admission is cheap?
    He picks outs a few
    When he plays a venue,
    Then puts his own dumb ass to sleep

  168. Byron Ives says:

    I don’t mean to sound mean or rude,
    But I think on a nude beach it’s lewd,
    ‘Cuz in my mind it blows,
    That the ones without clothes,
    Are the ones that should cover up, dude.

  169. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Sleep/Insomnia-Themed Limerick Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners: Limerick-Off Award 243.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because the new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Pale.