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Many people have expressed dismay at the new White House email system. But though it's certainly annoying, the one we almost got was quite a bit worse. Had relatively sane minds not prevailed, would-be emailers would have had to contend with this:

WHITE HOUSE EMAIL QUESTIONNAIRE (Secreted out of the White House & sent to Mad Kane by a very brave White House aide, whom I shall call "Deep Dubya")

In order to ensure that patriotic, God-fearing Americans are able to communicate efficiently and effectively with President George W. Bush, we have developed the following questionnaire, consisting of 13 multiple choice questions. Please email your answers to

Your responses will be thoroughly reviewed, and if we like them, we will send you top secret contact data, which will allow you to communicate directly with staffers of President Bush's staffers' staffers.

And if we don't like your answers, don't worry. You'll be hearing from us too.

   1. George W. Bush should be reelected:
     (a) for four more years.
     (b) for eight more years.
     (c) Who needs elections?

   2. The Bill of Rights:
     (a) reflects the spirit of democracy.
     (b) was written by communists.
     (c) should be scrapped, except for the gun part.

   3. The buck stops:
     (a) here.
     (b) there.
     (c) on Bill Clinton.

   4. Which statement is most accurate?
     (a) No child shall be left behind.
     (b) No CEO shall be left behind.
     (c) No Bush shall be left behind.

    5. The State of the Union Niger uranium claim was:
     (a) a CIA screw-up.
     (b) a speechwriter screw-up.
     (c) darn good.

   6. The axis of evil is:
     (a) Iraq, Iran, & North Korea.
     (b) France, Russia, & Old Europe.
     (c) Hillary Clinton.

   7. I pray:
     (a) for peace on earth.
     (b) as often as possible.
     (c) for George Bush's reelection.

   8. Which statement is most accurate?
     (a) Saddam Hussein is an evildoer.
     (b) Bin Laden is an evildoer.
     (c) Trial lawyers are evildoers.

   9. Privacy is:
     (a) an essential right.
     (b) over-rated.
     (c) important, only if you're doing something illegal.

  10. The next country we should attack is:
     (a) Iran or Syria.
     (b) one of the Koreas.
     (c) France.

  11. It's my money and I should:
     (a) keep it.
     (b) pay taxes on it.
     (c) donate it to Bush/Cheney.

  12. The media is:
     (a) liberal.
     (b) very liberal.
     (c) treasonously liberal.

  13. Had 9/11 happened during Al Gore's watch, he would have:
     (a) used lots of big words.
     (b) stuffed the hijackers in a lockbox.
     (c) sued.

© July 22, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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