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Madeleine Begun Kane,
Humor Columnist,
NOTABLES WEBLOG (August through December 2003)


Madeleine Begun Kane
 
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Here's where I archive my August through December 2003 Notables Weblog posts. For my most recent blog postings, click here. And please don't forget to check out my latest humor columns, Dubya's Dayly Diary, and my other political humor.

December 25, 2003 (About.com's 2003 Political Dot-Comedy Award Nominees Announced)

  • I'm very pleased to report that I'm a nominee in two categories in this year's About.com Political Dot-Comedy Awards competition. My political humor as a whole is nominated in the Best Parodies (Overall Achievement) category and my Dubya's Dayly Diary is a nominee in the Best Bush Humor category. So if you have time, I'd really appreciate your voting for me in one or both categories here. Thanks!

    And even if you're not in a voting mood, I'll bet you enjoy visiting the terrific nominees in categories including Best Web Cartoons, Best Satirical News, Most Entertaining Left-Wing News & Commentary, Most Entertaining Right-Wing News & Commentary, Best Print Comic Strip, and Best Late-Night TV Comedy. You may even find some new (to you) humor sites to help you survive 2004.

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December 24, 2003

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December 23, 2003

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December 20, 2003 (Paris Hilton v. George Bush)

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December 19, 2003 (So What's The Dif?)

  • Maru has some great quotes from Diane Sawyer's George Bush interview, including Bush's brazen "So what's the difference?" line re WMDs or lack thereof. Sheer poetry, no?

    So What's The Dif?
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    So what's the dif?
    Said Bush in a tiff,
    When Sawyer pried
    'Bout Bush weapon lies.

    Saddam had plans
    That evil, bad man.
    Who cares if he
    Had DubyaMDs?

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December 17, 2003 (Holiday Humor)

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December 16, 2003 (No-Gloat Zone? Ha!)

  • The Bush White House is being praised for not gloating over Saddam Hussein's capture. But is Bush really exercising such uncharacteristic self-restraint? Not according to my sources, who claim he's singing a different tune in the privacy of the Oval Office:

    Bushtown Races (to be sung to "Camptown Races'")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    The Democrats are always wrong.
    Doo-dah! Doo-dah!
    Now I'll be Prez for oh so long.
    Oh! Doo-dah day!

    Got Saddam jailed cause he wouldn't cave in.
    Doo-dah! doo-dah!
    My pals back home got a pocket full of tin.
    Oh! De doo-dah day!

    Goin' to run all night.
    Goin' to run all day.
    I'll bet my second term is in the bag.
    Won't even bother to pray.

    So long to lib'rals, now they know who's boss.
    Doo-dah! Doo-dah!
    I beat Iraq, never suffered a loss.
    Oh! De doo-dah day!

    Don't call me chicken cause I'm on a roll.
    Doo-dah! doo-dah!
    Now Saddam's mine, don't need no polls.
    Oh! De doo-dah day!

    Goin' to run all night.
    Goin' to run all day.
    I'll bet my second term is in the bag.
    Won't even bother to pray.

    © December 16, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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December 15, 2003 (Compare & Contrast: Two Nights On The Town With Hubby Mark)

  • Night 1 Event: Celebrity-packed screening of The Fog Of War plus cocktail party at Manhattan's Asia Society, hosted by The Week Magazine.
    Night 2 Event: Mediocre restaurant meal in Port Chester, New York.

    Night 1 Weather: Unseasonably warm December night.
    Night 2 Weather: Unspeakably frigid December night.

    Night 1 Highlights: Watched great documentary which George Bush could (but probably won't) learn a lot from. Heard interesting comments by film's chief editor. Mingled with attendees while sipping tasty Italian red.
    Night 2 Highlights: Misplaced Mazda. Found out it was merely towed, not stolen.

    Night 1 Lowlights: Missed out on prescreening hot toddies.
    Night 2 Lowlights: Informed by cops that we'd (accidentally) parked illegally ... and that tow guy wouldn't release car for 36 hours -- no exceptions.

    Night 1 Transportation: Short cab ride to Penn Station plus half hour Long Island Railroad ride.
    Night 2 Transportation: 60 minute car ride ... if Mazda not held hostage. Otherwise, 6 to 8 hour multiple train/subway connection trip -- twice.

    Night 1 Revelation: That we must see every film Errol Morris has ever made.
    Night 2 Revelation: That sufficiently motivated by exhaustion, weather, and transportation challenges, we could charm 2 cops into making 3 phone calls to badger stubborn tow guy into bending rules.

    Bonus Revelation: Credit cards are fine for going to a bash. But if your car is towed, you'd better carry cash.

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December 8, 2003 (Fun with Dubya)

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December 1, 2003 (Oh, What A Mis'rable Failure)

  • From the moment I first heard Dick Gephardt call George Bush a miserable failure, I knew the catch phrase deserved a song. So I hope you'll enjoy singing my "Oh, What A Mis'rable Failure" to "Oh, What A Beautiful Mornin'" from "Oklahoma," by Rodgers & Hammerstein, using this midi link. But before you burst into song, you might enjoy doing a Google.com search for the phrase miserable failure. Why? Because the last time I checked, the second listing on the results page sent me to the WhiteHouse.gov's George W. Bush bio page.

    Oh, What A Mis'rable Failure (to be sung to "Oh, What A Beautiful Mornin'")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    There's a right wingnut based in the White House.
    End that right wingnut's stay in the White House.
    His lies are piled high as an elephant's eye,
    And it looks like they're climbin' clear up to the sky.

    Oh what a mis'rable failure.
    Dubya, great pal of Ken Lay.
    Stop all his lies. Tell him, "Up yours!"
    Dump Georgie Bush. Make my day

    Let us battle to land in the White House.
    Oust that cattle-less hat from the White House.
    He makes me see red as he preens and implies
    That he's chosen by God and a really nice guy.

    Oh what a mis'rable failure.
    Dubya has led us astray.
    Stop all his lies and his oil whores.
    Dump Georgie Bush. Make my day!

    We'll go down if we don't dump George Dubya.
    Take his crown. We must oust ol' George Dubya.
    He's sleazily muzzling our right to speak free,
    While he's emptied our till with his war spending spree.

    Oh what a mis'rable failure.
    Dubya, great pal of Ken Lay.
    Stop all his lies. Tell him, "Up yours!"
    Dump Georgie Bush. Make my day.
    Dump Georgie Bush. Make my day.

    © December 1, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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November 28, 2003 (Gift Giving & Other Stunts)

  • I hope everyone had a great Turkey Day. Oops! Wrong turkey!

  • In honor of what's generally the biggest holiday shopping day of the year in the US, here's the intro to my Mad Gift Giving Guide. (Essential reading before trying to buy a gift for your spouse or sig other.)

    Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing. And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn't buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it's on sale.

    The rest is here.

  • Here's a fun photo-toon about Bush's Post-War Strategy. And speaking of Iraq, what a shame that the Bush administration's post-war planning didn't employ even one-percent of the intelligence, skills, and forethought that went into pulling off Bush's latest campaign stunt ... I mean, visit to Iraq.

  • I've been meaning to link to this article describing the extensive damage Bush & Co did to the Buckingham Palace grounds. The next time the Queen has houseguests, she should really read this first.
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November 21, 2003 (Brit Trip Humor Roundup)

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November 19, 2003 (Dubya's Travels, Brit Travails)

  • Reading the bizarre list of security demands Bush tried to impose on the Brits made me laugh out loud. For instance:

    American snipers and special agents traveling with Bush were to be given diplomatic immunity in the event that they should kill any of the expected 100,000 protesters. An artillery weapon called the "mini gun," normally used in battlefield conditions, was to be flown in in case it was deemed necessary to mow down protesters en masse. Vast sections of the city were to be closed to all traffic, forcing the closure of untold hundreds of businesses. Americans were to be placed in charge of all security operations, ahead of the British Scotland Yard, the MI5, the Metropolitan police, and Blair's own security detail. And U.S. fighter jets and Blackhawk attack helicopters, armed with surface-to-ground missiles and high-powered machine guns, were to secure the skies over London.

    So naturally I had to whip up a poem about Dubya's UK trip:

    Dubya's Travels, Brit Travails
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    George Bush so wants to greet the Queen
    And pose for photo ops.
    He'd also love some signs unseen,
    Their bearers nabbed by cops.

    Says Queen to Blair, however did
    You get me in this mess?
    I cannot wait to Bush be rid.
    He's here at your request.

    So sorry, Tony Blair responds.
    It seemed a jolly plan.
    Who knew that I had formed a bond
    With such a hideous man?

    © November 19, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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November 14, 2003 (Bush & Tony)

  • David Frum is seriously worried about George Bush's upcoming trip to the United Kingdom. And Natalie Davis thinks Dubya's latest pronouncement about his UK trip deserves an Alanis Morrissette song. Presumably unaware of (or indifferent to) the irony in his statement, Bush claims to welcome the massive protests expected in London because "I don't expect everybody in the world to agree with the positions I've taken."

    While we're waiting for Ms. Morrissette to come through for us, we could always sing my old standby, Bush and Tony:

    Bush & Tony (to be sung to "Love and Marriage")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Bush and Tony, Bush and Tony
    Go together like a cart and pony.
    This I tell you brother
    You can't have one without the other.

    Bush and Tony, Bush and Tony
    Always waging war and being phony.
    Ask the local gentry
    And they will say it's elementary.

    Try, try, try to separate them
    From their distortions.
    Try, try, try, and you will only come
    To this conclusion.

    The rest of Bush and Tony is here, where you'll also find a sing-along midi link.

  • And speaking of song parodies, it looks like I have some competition in the political parody lyrics department. Here's a good one: Georgie Dubya, To the tune of "Maggie’s Farm" by Bob Dylan.
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November 12, 2003 (Liberal Laughs)

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November 10, 2003 (St. Reagan's Song)

    As everyone who's been awake lately knows, CBS caved in to right-wing bullying over the Ronald Reagan miniseries. And so we have yet another victory in the battle of Gipper disciples to orchestrate history. And we also have a song parody, "St. Reagan's Song" to be sung to "Just You Wait" from "My Fair Lady." It starts:

    St. Reagan's Song (to be sung to "Just You Wait" from "My Fair Lady")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint!
    You'll be sorry if you dare to say, he ain't.
    A fine bloke who's kind and cunning,
    Beat the Russians, great with money.
    He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint!

    Reagan's great, scream the wingnuts. Stop that flick!
    Don't you dare disparage Reagan. They'll be ticked!
    They'll go off and say we're haters,
    Threaten boycotts, claim we're traitors.
    He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint!

    The rest of "St. Reagan's Song" is here, where you'll also find a sing-along midi link.

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November 8, 2003 (Saturday Silliness)

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November 7, 2003 (Liberal Blogging)

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November 6, 2003 (Dubya's Don't Blame Me Song)

  • In honor of Bannergate and Bush's blame-shirking proclivities, I've written Bush a new song parody. I hope you'll enjoy singing "Dubya's Don't Blame Me Song" to the Christmas carol "Good King Wenceslas," using this midi link. And if you do, I'll consider my Mission Accomplished.

    Dubya's Don't Blame Me Song (to be sung to "Good King Wenceslas")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    I didn't do it. Not my fault!
    Maybe 'twas some sailor.
    Banners ain't my thing at all.
    I was with my tailor.

    Sure I looked great standing there,
    Banner boldly waving.
    Telling folks I won la guerre.
    Showing off my bravery.

    I didn't do it. Not my fault!
    It's because of Clinton.
    Bill's the reason jobs are stalled.
    He's why we're not winnin'.

    Bill was Prez for eight whole years.
    I'm just getting started.
    He's the cause of all our fears.
    Left us all unguarded.

    I didn't do it. Not my fault!
    I was busy running.
    I just say what writers scrawl.
    Dick's the one who's cunning.

    Saddam's evil, Rummy swears,
    Into mass destruction.
    Blaming me is just not fair, I
    Gave you tax reductions.

    © November 6, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

  • My vote in this week's The New Weblog Showcase goes to Clareified's excellent Death By Invitation. Clareified is one of many fine bloggers who belong to the League of Liberals. And in the non-political category, my vote goes to Project Trinity.

  • Do you notice something just a bit bizarre about this photo of the "Partial Birth Abortion" Act of 2003 bash ... I mean, signing ceremony? Taegan Goddard credits David Sirota for this astute observation: "Regardless of your position on the bill, this photo is really obscene. Bush is signing a piece of legislation with far-reaching consequences for women, and yet the photo-op is exclusively men."

  • If you're about to throw up over the Bush administration Linda Tripp payoff, Eric Alterman's must-read on the subject, Garbling Linda Tripp, may make you even angrier at our incompetent media than you are at Bush. Assuming that's possible, of course.
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November 5, 2003 (A Little Laughter, A Little Law)

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November 3, 2003 (The Spinning Song; Misbehaving)

  • Some people are really good at posting while they're traveling. Apparently, I'm not one of them. But I'm back now and I've written George Bush a new song parody. I hope you'll enjoy singing "The Spinning Song" to "Spinning Wheel" by David Clayton Thomas (Blood, Sweat & Tears) using this midi link. (Scroll down to "Spinning Wheel" and play twice.)

    The Spinning Song (to be sung to "Spinning Wheel")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Down is up. Up is down.
    Spinners wield lies that confound.
    Claimin' that our troubles really prove: We win!
    Spreadin' Bush baloney, Dubya smirks as he spins.

    You got no money and you got no home.
    Prayin' Bush throws a bone.
    Talkin' 'bout your troubles, Dubya feigns concern.
    Bush pals gainin' money that they surely didn't earn.

    Thinks he found a religious sign that he's
    Meant to rule our country.
    He's behind our supreme decline.
    We're in a bind. He's lost his mind.
    And can't tell what's false from what is real.

    Soldiers are dyin' just for Bush.
    Spinners lie. Truth is hushed.
    Stop all our troubles at the votin' polls.
    Time to take George Dubya off the government dole.

    War is peace. Peace is war.
    Pow'r and oil, that's what it's for.
    Cov'rin' up Bush fumbles takes a lot of spin.
    White House packed with phonies causin' death as Bush grins.

    You got no money and you got no job.
    Nation's run by a Mob.
    Corp'rate profiteerin' as you search for work.
    Bushie friends exploitin' all their White House pal perks.

    Claims he'll find weapons and designs provin'
    Saddam's mean and ornery.
    Can't opine if Bin Laden died.
    Claims lib'rals whine and have no spine.
    Bush won't tell what's fake from what is real.

    Soldiers are dyin' just for Bush
    Spinners lie. Truth is hushed.
    End all our troubles in Two-Thousand-Four.
    Time to dump George Dubya. Shove the Prez right out the door.

    © November 3, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

  • Who could resist a site called Misbehaving.net? Especially one whose title quote is "Well-behaved women seldom make history." -- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. I sure couldn't when I saw it linked at The MEG Blog and I'm glad I checked it out. If you have any interest in women, technology, and rule breaking, you'll love Misbehaving.net.

    What does this have to do with politics? Nothing ... and everything.

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October 24, 2003 (Ode to the Barbed Bushes)

  • As I mentioned last week, Barbara Bush has been doing the talk show circuit, promoting her new book and defending Dubya, sometimes with backup from Poppy "I didn’t ride here on a watermelon cart" Bush. One recent stop was Larry King, whom she managed to be rude to.

    KING: It's often been said that the one area you disagreed with many in the Republican Party was the question of choice.
    BUSH: It's often been said a lot of things.
    KING: What is the truth?
    BUSH: It's not your business.
    KING: You don't -- you don't share your feelings on it?
    BUSH: Not particularly. I'm not an elected public official, and I support my husband and my children.
    KING: But there are some things you won't take a stand on?
    BUSH: Absolutely. I don't think that's should even be in politics, to tell you the honest truth.
    KING: You don't think the question should be in politics?
    BUSH: No. And so I'm just out of that. Move on.

    (Who the hell is rude to Larry "Softball Question" King?)

    Anyway, I think the folks who saddled us with Dubya deserve a poem, don't you?

    Ode to the Barbed Bushes
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    George Dubya's mom goes on TV
    To plug her book and whine.
    She brags about her Forty-three.
    Says Dems shouldn't Dub malign.

    With tongue still barbed, vents on the air
    And rails against the press.
    She claims they simply aren't fair.
    Hey Barb, give it a rest.

    Then Poppy adds his fifty cents
    With words oh so bizarre.
    Whatever could that man have meant
    By "watermelon cart?"

  • I'm proud to say I've joined a wonderful group of liberal bloggers known as the League of Liberals, brainchild of the terrific Barry of Rush Limbaughtomy. And I'm also pleased to join the League of Liberals in supporting the very deserving Hell For Halliburton in this week's New Weblog Showcase.
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October 22, 2003 (Miscellany Day)

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October 21, 2003 (Boykin's Ballad)

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October 20, 2003 (Bush Has A Spirit?)

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October 16, 2003 (Mommy & Poppy Defend George)

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October 15, 2003 (Press Filter Follies, Fun & Quirky Stuff)

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October 14, 2003 (Fine Reading)

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October 12, 2003 (ProgBloggers' Night)

  • My husband Mark and I had a great time Friday night and Saturday partying with liberal bloggers in New York City. Many have written about it, and Pen-Elayne even posted two batches of photos. Having no great revelations to add, I decided to give our festivities its own song. Feel free to sing ProgBloggers' Night, to "Oh, What A Night,"by Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons, using this midi link in the right-hand column.

    ProgBloggers' Night (to be sung to "Oh, What A Night")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Oh, what a night.
    Lib'ral bloggers met and mixed with glee.
    Jim and Julia organized this spree.
    We'll all remember progblog night.

    Wampum and Dwight.
    I hope, I did not miss a blogger's name.
    We progblogs never gonna be the same.
    Pen-Elayne and Making Light.

    Oh I,
    I got a funny feeling when I walked
    In the room.
    But I,
    As I recall it ended much too soon.

    Oh, what a night,
    Lots of laughter, songs, and playful shouts.
    Spoke of everything we post about.
    Politics chat filled the night.

    We mocked George Bush
    Cause he's turned the world asunder.
    Spinning our heads around,
    We looked about with wonder.
    Electrolite!

    I'll bet
    That's Roy right over there and Talking Dog,
    Seth's
    in the room.
    And yes,
    That must be Dave and Ryan you know who.

    Oh, what a night.
    Lib'ral bloggers mingled happily.
    Even brought along our families.
    We'll all remember progblog night.

    Some mocked drugged Rush.
    Lacks compassion for his brothers!
    Spinning our heads around,
    Wingnuts forgive his blunders.

    ProgBloggers' Night.
    Oh, what a night.
    ProgBloggers' Night.
    Oh, what a night.
    ProgBloggers' Night.
    Oh, what a night.
    ProgBloggers' Night.
    Oh, what a night.
    ProgBloggers' Night!

    © October 12, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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October 9, 2003 (Parody Interview With Donald Rumsfeld)

  • You wouldn't think Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld would sit for an interview with a humorist, especially one who writes Dubya's Dayly Diary and song parodies like this. And you'd be right:

    MADKANE: Secretary Rumsfeld, welcome. And thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule for this interview.

    RUMSFELD: It's my pleasure, Ms. Kane. I'm always happy to talk to a lovely lady.

    MADKANE: Now you're not trying to disarm me, are you?

    RUMSFELD: That all depends. Do you have any connections to Iraq?

    MADKANE: That's a good one, Mr. Secretary. You're quite the kidder.

    RUMSFELD: I wasn't kidding.

    MADKANE: Well, in that case, no. I don't have any connections to...

    RUMSFELD: Okay, I was kidding.

    MADKANE: Which brings me to your reputation for using humor to diffuse tense situations.

    RUMSFELD: I see you've boned up on military lingo.

    MADKANE: Yes ... well ... moving on. Until recently, reporters (especially female reporters) described you as sexy...

    RUMSFELD: Condi has better legs.

    MADKANE: ...but those references have died out during the last few months. Do you miss being the hottest fellow in the White House?

    RUMSFELD: The absence of evidence isn't evidence of abstinence.

    MADKANE: Okay, then. Let's talk about recent events regarding Iraq. According to a Financial Times story, the creation of the Iraq Stabilization Group was done without your knowledge. So you were apparently cut out of the Iraq reconstruction loop. How...

    RUMSFELD: Gee whiz, what an astounding thing to say!

    MADKANE: So you deny that you're outside the loop?

    RUMSFELD: There's no loop to be outside of.

    MADKANE: But Condi Rice made an announcement that seems to have caught you by surprise.

    RUMSFELD: I've never been caught, by surprise or otherwise.

    MADKANE: But...

    RUMSFELD: My absence from the loop evidences the absence of a loop.

    MADKANE: Then how do you explain...

    RUMSFELD: The absence of a loop negates the need for an explanation.

    MADKANE: What about the rumors that you're being punished for your Iraq planning failures?

    RUMSFELD: There are no such rumors.

    MADKANE: So you deny the truth of the rumors?

    RUMSFELD: The absence of such rumors obviates the need to deny them.

    MADKANE: One last question: Do you use big words like "obviates" in front of President Bush?

    RUMSFELD: Only if I want to keep the President out of the loop.

    © October 9, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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October 8, 2003 (Arnold's Ode)

  • Until now, I've avoided making fun of Rush Limbaugh's current problems. But after checking into his show twice this week and finding his pomposity unabated, I can't resist linking to the Top Ten Items On Rush Limbaugh's To-Do List.

  • Cartoon White House Leaking and flashtoon Bad Behavior made me laugh, as did Bloggerheads' JPEG Song.

  • Steve Bates is feeling ill and Bush, the Poet's making him sicker. Feel better soon Steve!

  • The Talking Dog interviews Dick Morris and does a bang-up job.

  • California Governor-elect Arnold has earned himself a poem:

    Arnold's Ode
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    California's picked a gov.
    One that's not reproach above.
    Gave Gray Davis quite a shove.
    California's picked a gov.

    Californians said "Enough!"
    For Gray Davis had no love.
    Don't know what they're thinking of.
    California's picked a gov.

    California's picked a gov.
    Just an actor who acts tough.
    On the issues punts and bluffs.
    California's picked a gov.

    © October 8, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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October 3, 2003 (The Traitorgate Song)

  • I'm just back from helping my parents relocate from Long Island, New York to North Carolina, so I'm way behind on everything. But I couldn't resist writing "The Traitorgate Song," a song parody about the outing of Joseph Wilson's CIAer spouse, Valerie Plame. I hope you enjoy singing it to "I Write The Songs," by Barry Manilow, using this midi link.

    "The Traitorgate Song" (to be sung to "I Write The Songs")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    The scandal started with a Niger lie
    About nuke matter Saddam never did buy.
    But Dubya would not let that falsehood die.
    It's Traitorgate, it's Traitorgate.

    (Fridge Break)

    Then Joseph Wilson loudly whistle blew.
    He told the public that the story's untrue,
    That based on lies Bush had a war pushed through.
    It's Traitorgate, it's Traitorgate.

    (Bathroom Break)

    George Bush's people ordered punishment.
    They outed Wilson's spy-wife, seeking revenge.
    They broke the law, risked lives, and quashed dissent.
    It's Traitorgate, it's Traitorgate.

    (Cocktail Break)

    A special prosecutor must be named.
    A biased Ashcroft can't investigate.
    We need to know precisely who's to blame.
    It's Traitorgate, it's Traitorgate.

    (Sex Break)

    If Bush approved this act of treason he
    Must be impeached, go down in infamy.
    Plame's outing threatens our security.
    It's Traitorgate, it's Traitorgate.

    © October 3, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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September 22, 2003 (French Fall Guy Song)

  • Early this year, France's failure to kowtow to the U.S. on Iraq triggered a huge wave of French bashing. And to judge from this Tom Friedman column, French bashing's still going strong. Which is too bad, because just in case George Bush hasn't noticed, it's probably time to make nice.

    So I offer the French Fall Guy Song. Feel free to sing it to "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair," from South Pacific, by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II. To use this midi link, scroll down to "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair" (near the top of the right-hand column in the Bill Basham - Piano Solos section) and play it twice.

    "French Fall Guy Song" (to be sung to "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Bush wants to wash the French right out of his hair.
    Old Europe France does things he simply can't bear.
    If only France was out of George Bush's hair.
    He'd always get his way.

    It's France's fault that Saddam never disarmed.
    It's France's fault that U.S. soldiers were harmed.
    It's France's fault that Bush can't find Iraq arms.
    The French are in the way.

    Must punish Paris louts.
    Shout them down, kick them out.
    Frenchies are yellow clowns.
    Don't deserve veto clout.

    Banish them.
    They've got to go.
    French boycott!

    The times the French guys brush or bathe are too rare.
    It's all their fault that we're a quagmire ensnared.
    Their U.N. votes are mean and always unfair.
    The French should have no say.

    How dare they block our war, then ask for a share
    In Iraq deals? French gall is too much to bear.
    They sip their wine, eat brie, and mess with Bush guerre.
    The French have got to pay.

    That damn Chirac caused Dubya all kinds of harm.
    Without Chirac Bush would have gotten Saddam.
    And found his weapons cache without using bombs.
    While shouting "Make my day!"

    Must punish Paris louts.
    Shout them down, kick them out.
    Frenchies are yellow clowns.
    Don't deserve veto clout.

    Banish them.
    They've got to go.
    French boycott!

    Bush needs a fall guy, one the public can share.
    Though France was right, and Bush was wrong, so who cares?
    How Dubya'd love to seize its U.N. "Non!" chair.
    And send France on its way.

    © September 21, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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September 18, 2003 (Is it them, or is it me?)

  • In the wake of Dick Cheney's latest 9/11 lies, Condi, Rummy, and George Dubya seem to have a new 9/11 message:

    Iraq connected with nine/eleven?
    We never said it was.
    Why would you think that?
    Good heavens!

    This all reminds me of Martin Short's SNL character: a chain-smoking tobacco company lawyer, who'd always deny everything, even things he'd just said, and then say, "Is it me, or is it him? It's him, isn't it?"

    In case you missed it, here's the Dubya comic strip I did last February on this subject: Blame Game.

    (Cheney, Rummy, Condi, and Bush links via Blah3)

  • I'm pleased to see the DNC has launched a Kicking Ass Blog.
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September 17, 2003 (Fun & Quirky Links)

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September 15, 2003 (Legal Humor & Interactive Song Writing)

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September 13, 2003 (That's What The Law's About)

  • As a recovering attorney, I feel it's my duty to write the occasional lawyer spoof. Wherefore, I hereby offer "That's What The Law's About." Feel free to sing it to "The Hokey Pokey," using this midi link which opens a second window:

    "That's What The Law's About" (to be sung to "The Hokey Pokey")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    You have to dot those i's.
    You've got to cross those t's.
    You have to seem so wise.
    You must justify those fees.
    And if you're smart and lucky
    You will turn your case around.
    That's what the law's about.

    You have to file those claims.
    You've got to sue those stiffs.
    You have to shift the blame,
    With no ands or buts or ifs.
    And if you're bright and plucky
    You will turn your case around.
    That's what the law's about.

    You've got to prep those briefs
    And make them long and dense,
    And prove your clients' beefs,
    Even if they make no sense.
    Be sure to play your cards right,
    And a winner you'll be found.
    That's what the law's about.

    You have to seem real smart,
    As if you know it all.
    Recite Fed Code by heart.
    Always make good judgment calls.
    And if you do your homework,
    Your opponents will be trounced.
    That's what the law's about.

    Must keep that meter on.
    And never turn it off.
    Yes even in the john,
    Or they'll think you're going soft.
    Your client might just pay you,
    If a winner he is crowned.
    That's what the law's about.

    So keep that Lexis near,
    Right on your 'puter screen.
    And soon you'll have no peer.
    What a genius you will seem!
    And if you're most convincing,
    Your opponents you will pound.
    That's what the law's about.

    Go tell the judge you're right.
    Show where and why and how.
    And be prepared to fight.
    Let them never see you cowed.
    And if you argue sharply,
    Other lawyers will be wowed.
    That's what the law's about.

    You've got to win, win, win,
    With logic, brains, and clout.
    To lose is such a sin.
    Let there never be a doubt.
    In deals and litigation
    You must rub the en'my out.
    That's what the law's about.

    © September 13, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

    UPDATE: Due to the miracle of interactivity, there's a brand new stanza.

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September 9, 2003 (The Traitor Tune)

  • A slew of fine bloggers have commented on Donald Rumsfeld's equating criticism of Bush with treason: Unmedia points out that Rummy isn't the first Bush appointee to do so. Arthur Silber delves into the history of censorship in the United States. Josh Marshall cites this as yet another example of "It's everyone's fault but theirs." Medley thinks Rumsfeld, Ashcroft, and Dubya need to read Margaret Chase Smith and the Constitution. Jim Henley says the Bushies are "little whiners." Kevin at LeanLeft wakes up more cynical every day. TheModulator wonders when the FBI will start knocking on our doors. CalPundit thinks Don Rumsfeld's been channeling O'Reilly. Pandagon sarcastically assesses this as "Republicanism at its finest." Scott Baron is proud to be a "traitor." And Atrios would like to see some outrage from our "liberal media."

    As for me, I've written "The Traitor Tune." Feel free to sing it to "She'll be Coming Round The Mountain," using this midi link which opens a second window.

    "The Traitor Tune" (to be sung to "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    If you criticize the White House, you're a fool.
    Nothing more than an Al Qaeda pal and tool.
    If you criticize the White House,
    If you criticize the White House,
    If you criticize the White House, you're a fool.

    If you dare to bash the Bushies, then watch out.
    Cause they know they're always right, they have no doubts.
    If you dare to bash the Bushies,
    If you dare to bash the Bushies,
    If you dare to bash the Bushies, then watch out.

    If you criticize George Dubya, you're disloyal.
    And you're messing with his plans to pump some oil.
    If you criticize George Dubya,
    If you criticize George Dubya,
    If you criticize George Dubya, you're disloyal.

    If you knock George Bush or Cheney, you'll be blamed,
    When a single guy or gal is hurt or maimed.
    If you knock George Bush or Cheney,
    If you knock George Bush or Cheney,
    If you knock George Bush or Cheney, you'll be blamed.

    If you criticize the White House, you must stop.
    Or expect to be arrested by Fed cops.
    If you criticize the White House,
    If you criticize the White House,
    If you criticize the White House, you must stop.

    If you say a Bush decision's wrong or bad,
    You'll be called a terror-loving, evil cad.
    If you say a Bush decision,
    If you say a Bush decision,
    If you say a Bush decision's wrong or bad.

    If you criticize George Dubya, watch your back.
    Cause he'll blame you for the terrorist attacks.
    If you criticize George Dubya,
    If you criticize George Dubya,
    If you criticize George Dubya, watch your back.

    You're a traitor if you challenge Bush's war,
    Just as treasonous as Clinton and Al Gore.
    You're a traitor if you challenge,
    You're a traitor if you challenge,
    You're a traitor if you challenge Bush's war.

    So don't think of panning Rumsfeld, Dick, or John.
    If you do, you'll find your free speech rights are gone.
    So don't think of panning Rumsfeld,
    So don't think of panning Rumsfeld,
    So don't think of panning Rumsfeld, Dick, or John.

    If you criticize the White House, you're a fool.
    Nothing more than an Al Qaeda pal and tool.
    If you criticize the White House,
    If you criticize the White House,
    If you criticize the White House, you're a fool.

    © September 9, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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September 4, 2003 (Dubya's Dog of a Defense)

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September 3, 2003 (Karl Rove Headache Alert)

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August 29, 2003 (I'm Quoted In USA TODAY)

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August 28, 2003 (The Blackout Song)

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August 27, 2003 (Power Pols)

  • Who can resist a title like Bush's Bogus Blackout Remedy? And the article is even better than the title.

    Meanwhile, investigators report that the blackout was probably caused by humor error, New York and Ontario pledge to cooperate, and the inevitable task force is formed. Which pretty much forces me to post this:

    Power Pols
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    How the politicians glower
    When they're blamed for losing power.
    Make excuses by the hour,
    Faces grim and oh so dour.

    Leading us by fingerpointing,
    Fixing fault, bad guys anointing,
    Naming panels, teams appointing.
    Leadership? So disappointing!

    Talking down from ivory towers,
    Sheltered from real life, they cower.
    Those that should have fixed our power
    Make me want to take a shower.

    © August 25, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

  • It's time for another episode of Carnival of the Vanities.

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August 26, 2003 (Fox Drops Franken Lawsuit)

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August 25, 2003 (Spying Days Are Here Again" a/k/a "The Patriot Act Song)

    John's Ashcroft's been running around on a "Patriot" Act tour, trying to drum up support for some bigger and better infringements of our privacy rights. And the infamous USA Patriot Act even has its own website. (For some good commentary on Ashcroft's propaganda tour, check out Conspiracy Planet and The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.)

    Needless to say, I felt compelled to write the old song writer a song. Feel free to sing "Spying Days Are Here Again" a/k/a "The Patriot Act Song" to "Happy Days Are Here Again," by Jack Yellen and Milton Ager, using this midi link which opens a second window.

    "Spying Days Are Here Again" a/k/a "The Patriot Act Song" (to be sung to "Happy Days Are Here Again")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane
    ------- Long Musical Intro -------
    Spying days are here again.
    You aren't safe from evil men.
    One might even be a real close friend.
    Spying days are here again.

    Patriots should pass my law.
    Cause privacy is such a bore.
    If you aren't doing nothing wrong,
    Then you're safe behind your door.

    Your cares and troubles are gone,
    Cause George and I'm on the job.

    Spying days are here again.
    We'll check you out. You won't know when.
    And we'll coax some tattling from a friend.
    Spying days are here again.

    Liberals don't like my laws.
    They're treasonous right to the core.
    While you're at it, shove them out the door.
    Like you did with Albert Gore.

    Those that dare to tell me "nay,"
    They'd better watch the things they say.
    Cause I'll get them soon and make my day.
    Spying days are here to stay.

    Your cares and troubles are gone,
    Cause George and I'm on the job.

    Spying days are here again.
    The world is filled with evil men.
    But we'll stop their nukes and plans and pens.
    Spying days are here again.

    © August 23, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

  • If you'd like to read some of my other humor about John Ashcroft or privacy, here's Ashcroft's Favorite Things, Dear John Ashcroft, and Say Goodbye To Privacy.

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August 22, 2003 (Frivolous Friday, Flood The Zone Friday, & Breaking News)

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August 19, 2003 (Fair & Balanced Song Parody)

  • Congratulations to everyone who celebrated Fair & Balanced Day! I know I'm late on this issue, but I have the vacation excuse. Plus the Fox News complaint against Al Franken and Penguin Books is 20 pages long. And as a recovering lawyer, I felt duty-bound to read the whole damn thing.

    Now that I'm done making excuses, here's my "Fair & Balanced Song Parody." Feel free to sing it to "Love and Marriage," using this midi link which opens a second window. (Scroll down for the link.)

    "The Fair & Balanced Song" (to be sung to "Love and Marriage")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Fair and balanced,
    Fair and balanced.
    Empty slogans, rabid views, and shrill rants.
    Fox calls critics liars.
    O'Reilly's filled with angst and ire.

    Fair and balanced,
    Fair and balanced.
    Words that don't describe the Fox News talents.
    Yet, Fox says it owns them.
    Sued Penguin Books and wit Al Franken.

    Try, try, try to criticize them.
    Face litigation.
    Try, try, try and you will only get
    Big aggravation.

    Fair and balanced,
    Fair and balanced.
    Words that don't describe the Fox News talents.
    Don't you try to use them.
    You can't say fair,
    Not on a dare.
    And balanced. Fox is on a mission.

    Try, try, try to criticize them.
    Face litigation.
    Try, try, try and you will only get
    Big aggravation.

    Fair and balanced,
    Fair and balanced.
    Ranting righties spouting wingnut madness.
    Truth is rarely heard there.
    Opposing views,
    Authentic news,
    Dissenting voices -- Not on Fox air.

    © August 19, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

  • Thanks to the always edifying TalkLeft for pointing out this Eric Alterman post which says Fox might have a case. But if I were a wagering kind of gal, I'd bet Franken prevails with a parody defense -- and that the court finds the challenged use amusing and not confusing.

  • My "Fair & Balanced Song" is my second set of "Love and Marriage" parody lyrics. For the first, just visit my Bush and Tony.
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August 18, 2003 (Dubya's Wakeup Call)

  • I'm just winding up a spontaneous and, as it turned out, well timed Maine vacation. But I couldn't wait to get home to do this comic strip about the blackout.

    And speaking of the blackout, I managed to miss it, having left NYC Wednesday to drive to Portsmouth, New Hampshire and pick my husband Mark up at the end of his business trip. From there, we drove to Portland, Maine, where we had a wonderful and out-of-the-news-loop time. We were so sheltered from the news, that we remained oblivious to the blackout occurring elsewhere, till several hours after it began.

    I'll be back soon with more Dubya mockery.

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August 12, 2003

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August 11, 2003 (Yellow Bush of Texas)

  • According to Utne's What Makes Conservatives Tick, rightwingers are none to thrilled with what psychologists have been saying about them.

  • In honor of Dubya's many ranch vacations, I've written "Yellow Bush of Texas." Feel free to sing it to "Yellow Rose of Texas," using this midi link which opens a second window.

    "Yellow Bush of Texas" (to be sung to "Yellow Rose of Texas")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    There's a yellow Bush in Texas, that's where he loves to be.
    Where Dub can dodge the media, evading scrutiny.
    He cries so when he leaves there, it nearly breaks his heart.
    Let's help him lib'ral voters, from Crawford never part.

    Dubya's hiding out in Texas, where he so loves to flee.
    He drags his top aides with him, to swelter in the heat.
    Loves to torture pals and press and staff, with runs that tax the heart.
    Survivors get a tee-shirt, but they cannot wait to part.

    Dubya keeps the money flowing, fund raising from the right.
    They pay big bucks to see him, though Dubya's not too bright.
    They know that he'll remember where he got those piles of dough.
    A promise of returns so great, their wealth will quickly grow.

    An elitist little hustler, from Texas so he claims.
    His eyes are small and squinty, they darken when he's blamed
    For his speeches which are packed with lies, and manifold misdeeds.
    Cause the yellow Bush of Texas, just cannot take the heat.

    But soon we're going to bounce him, for the man has got to go.
    We'll say good-bye to Cheney, and Ashcroft and Karl Rove.
    We'll celebrate so gaily, when we're rid of right wing hoods.
    And the yellow Bush of Texas finally's Crawford-bound for good.

    © August 10, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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August 4, 2003 (Fabulosa Condoleezza)

    In honor of the "fabulous" Condi Rice, I've written "Fabulosa Condoleezza." Feel free to sing it to "Mona Lisa," by Jay Livingston & Ray Evans, using this midi link which opens a second window. (Thanks to reader Warren Woodruff for inspiring this song parody.)

    "Fabulosa Condoleezza" (to be sung to "Mona Lisa")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Condoleezza, Condoleezza, Dub adores you.
    You're so fine at saying falsehoods with a smile.
    Is it cause you're female, Condi, that they've blamed you
    For your fabulosa fakery and guile?

    Do you smile to tempt the press men, Condoleezza?
    Or is this your way to hide your lying art?
    Dubya beams when you're brought to his doorstep,
    Cause you lie here
    While they die there.
    Misinformed? Let's get real, Condoleezza.
    You're just a cold mendacious gal without a heart.

    Condoleezza, Condoleezza, Bush won't blame you
    For deceit you may perpetuate with smiles.
    It's not only cause you're brainy that he named you.
    It's your fabulosa fakery and guile.

    How you smile to mask your motives, Condoleezza.
    Oh but what you say is rarely from the heart.
    Many dreams have been lost by your war schemes,
    While you lie here,
    As they die there.
    Misinformed? Let's get real, Condoleezza.
    You're just a cold mendacious gal who should depart.

    © August 3, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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August 2, 2003

  • I see that Larry Flynt has filed to run for California Governor. And in case anyone's wondering why a feminist would link to Larry Flynt, I say why not? After all, he has the good taste to include my Dubya's Dayly Diary on his very short home page list of "Larry's Links." Which just goes to prove that flattery does get you ... uh ... never mind.

  • In this USAToday article detailing who's on George Bush's speed-dial, Republican Sen. Judd Gregg of New Hampshire is quoted as describing Bush as just a "normal guy." Two somewhat contradictory thoughts:

    1. Do we really want a "normal guy" running the country?

    2. If someone who thinks God is telling him how to run the country is just a "normal guy," what exactly does it take to qualify as insane?

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August 1, 2003 (Humor I Wish I Wrote, Dubya Press Conference)

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