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Madeleine Begun Kane,
Humor Columnist,
NOTABLES WEBLOG (May through July 2003)


Madeleine Begun Kane
 
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POLITICAL HUMOR    CHENEY HUMOR & SATIRE    SONG PARODIES    LEGAL HUMOR

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Here's where I archive my May through July 2003 Notables Weblog posts and podcasts. For my most recent blog postings and audio files, click here. And please don't forget to check out my other political humor and my media humor, legal humor, marriage and family humor, holiday humor, technology humor, feminist humor, money humor, car humor, education humor, health humor, pet and animal humor, work humor, travel humor, and humor about my hometown, New York City.

August 2, 2003

  • I see that Larry Flynt has filed to run for California Governor. And in case anyone's wondering why a feminist would link to Larry Flynt, I say why not? After all, he has the good taste to include my Dubya's Dayly Diary on his very short home page list of "Larry's Links." Which just goes to prove that flattery does get you ... uh ... never mind.

  • In this USAToday article detailing who's on George Bush's speed-dial, Republican Sen. Judd Gregg of New Hampshire is quoted as describing Bush as just a "normal guy." Two somewhat contradictory thoughts:

    1. Do we really want a "normal guy" running the country?

    2. If someone who thinks God is telling him how to run the country is just a "normal guy," what exactly does it take to qualify as insane?

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August 1, 2003 (Humor I Wish I Wrote, Dubya Press Conference)

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July 30, 2003 (Murky Paul Wolfowitz Poem)

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July 29, 2003

  • You'd expect to find an article entitled Pentagon's Futures Market Plan Condemned in The Onion, perhaps, or maybe in The Borowitz Report. But this one's straight out of the AP. When the truth is this insane, pity the poor parodist.

  • And speaking of parodists, Cowboy Kahlil is giving me serious song parody competition with his Your Denial's Been Blown in the Wind. Here's a bit to whet your appetite: "How many times will Saddam's sons be killed, before they are finally dead? How many times will an anchor repeat the same thing a 'reliable' source said?"

    And if you happened to miss my own "Blowin in the Wind" song parody, you can find it here. Here's a snippet: "How many wars must a President start without any reason at all? How much ill will must a President cause until he at last takes the fall?"

  • I suffered through several minutes of Mark Levin the other day, and BusyBusyBusy has him down cold. And while you're visiting, check out some of the other amusingly insightful "shorters." You'll be glad you did.
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July 25, 2003

  • This is unspeakably absurd: Singer-songwriter Julia Rose was banned from a Virginia Borders Books and Music store because, during a performance there, she joked about President Bush's "chicken legs."

    I don't know -- was mere banishment from a single store sufficient? Surely she's a candidate for Guantanamo.

  • Sometimes I enjoy Maureen Dowd, and sometimes she makes me want to scream. But this piece of satire, Weapons of Mass Redaction, is a gem!

  • Here's an informative and entertaining site which keeps us up to date on Donald Rumsfeld's doings and, most importantly, his Rumspeak.

  • Although my background is primarily in classical music and law, these days I write mostly about politics. Why? Just blame Dubya! But I have to take a time-out from my political rantings and humor to recommend this extraordinarily fine arts related blog: About Last Night.

    Written by Terry Teachout, the drama critic of the Wall Street Journal and the music critic of Commentary, it's a delightful read about the arts in New York City. And don't let the NYC part stop you from visiting. It's a must-read for anyone who's interested in the arts. And I'd say that even if I hadn't spent a good part of my life working as a freelance oboist.

  • As long as I'm on the subject, I figured I'd plug a few humor pieces I've written that relate to classical music:

        Musical Accord

        Sounding Off

        Held Up By Music-On-Hold

  • Yikes! Pandagon warns us about an Ann Coulter interview in Salon. Based on the cited questions, I'm almost afraid to click through.

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July 24, 2003

  • Did you know that Ann Coulter has an Ann Coulter Official Chat board, dedicated to Coulter devotees? Me neither. And I still wouldn't know it, if my Dubya's Dayly Diary hadn't suddenly started swarming with visitors from a post titled anti-Bush humor site. And in case you're wondering, the reply posts reflect just the level of intellect one might expect from Coulter devotees. Witty stuff like: "She'll be a cat-hermit in a few years." Damn! If only I could have devotees like that!

  • I just discovered the unofficial Joe Biden for President in 2004 blog. I'm not sure how I feel about a draft Biden campaign, although I'm certainly a big fan of Jack O'Toole, the mastermind behind the Biden site.

  • The much anticipated Ms. Magazine's Blogroll is up, and I'm proud to be included in such a terrific group of bloggers. And, while I'm familiar with and a fan of most of the listed blogs, it does include several that are new to me. I can't wait to check them out!

    So thanks to Christine Cupaiuolo for doing such a great job with the blogroll (including the handy descriptions of each blog that appear in the status bar) and with Ms.Mag's ms.musings blog itself.

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July 22, 2003 (White House Email System -- The Plan They Rejected)

  • Many people have expressed dismay at the new White House email system. But though it's certainly annoying, the one we almost got was quite a bit worse. Had relatively sane minds not prevailed, would-be emailers would have had to contend with this:

    WHITE HOUSE EMAIL QUESTIONNAIRE (Secreted out of the White House & sent to Mad Kane by a very brave White House aide, whom I shall call "Deep Dubya")

    In order to ensure that patriotic, God-fearing Americans are able to communicate efficiently and effectively with President George W. Bush, we have developed the following questionnaire, consisting of 13 multiple choice questions. Please email your answers to John.Ashcroft@WeKnowWhoYouAre.gov.

    Your responses will be thoroughly reviewed, and if we like them, we will send you top secret contact data, which will allow you to communicate directly with staffers of President Bush's staffers' staffers.

    And if we don't like your answers, don't worry. You'll be hearing from us too.

       1. George W. Bush should be reelected:
         (a) for four more years.
         (b) for eight more years.
         (c) Who needs elections?

       2. The Bill of Rights:
         (a) reflects the spirit of democracy.
         (b) was written by communists.
         (c) should be scrapped, except for the gun part.

       3. The buck stops:
         (a) here.
         (b) there.
         (c) on Bill Clinton.

       4. Which statement is most accurate?
         (a) No child shall be left behind.
         (b) No CEO shall be left behind.
         (c) No Bush shall be left behind.

        5. The State of the Union Niger uranium claim was:
         (a) a CIA screw-up.
         (b) a speechwriter screw-up.
         (c) darn good.

       6. The axis of evil is:
         (a) Iraq, Iran, & North Korea.
         (b) France, Russia, & Old Europe.
         (c) Hillary Clinton.

       7. I pray:
         (a) for peace on earth.
         (b) as often as possible.
         (c) for George Bush's reelection.

       8. Which statement is most accurate?
         (a) Saddam Hussein is an evildoer.
         (b) Bin Laden is an evildoer.
         (c) Trial lawyers are evildoers.

       9. Privacy is:
         (a) an essential right.
         (b) over-rated.
         (c) important, only if you're doing something illegal.

      10. The next country we should attack is:
         (a) Iran or Syria.
         (b) one of the Koreas.
         (c) France.

      11. It's my money and I should:
         (a) keep it.
         (b) pay taxes on it.
         (c) donate it to Bush/Cheney.

      12. The media is:
         (a) liberal.
         (b) very liberal.
         (c) treasonously liberal.

      13. Had 9/11 happened during Al Gore's watch, he would have:
         (a) used lots of big words.
         (b) stuffed the hijackers in a lockbox.
         (c) sued.

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July 19, 2003 (Mystery Solved)

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July 18, 2003 (Lust to Fight)

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July 17, 2003 (Mad in Mover/Shaker-land)

  • I rarely get anywhere near mover/shaker turf, even though -- or perhaps because -- I'm George Bush's extremely unofficial ghostwriter. (And no, I did not write those 16 words. So don't even try to pin it on me.)

    Anyway, imagine my surprise at being invited to attend The Week Magazine's luncheon forum which posed the question: Is Bush Unbeatable In 2004?

    Figuring my invitation had been misaddressed, I decided to go anyway. Who could resist a panel featuring Sidney Blumenthal, Monica Crowley, Gary Hart, and Edward Rollins and moderated by Harold Evans? Hell, even the attendees (with the exception of me) were the sort rarely seen off-platform -- Ed Koch, Tina Brown, and Eric Alterman, to name just three.

    On my arrival early yesterday afternoon, I was politely, but firmly directed to the riffraff section in the back. Of course, this didn't bother me at all: I was just grateful to be there. Besides, I figured that by the end of the luncheon, I'd finally have the answer to that burning question: Would I soon be needing a new ghostwriting gig?

    I'm happy to report that the forum was entertaining and informative. But with one exception which I'll get to in a moment, there were no surprises. The spokesmen for the good guys ... uh ... the left ... talked substance with intelligence and wit. And those on the right were their usual rah-rah-rah "Bush has a great image," "Democrats would be foolish to challenge Bush on security" selves.

    Okay, lest I sound unduly biased -- and we liberals so hate sounding biased -- Crowley's no Ann Coulter. In fact, she comes across astonishingly rational for someone who's wrong about everything. She didn't even accuse Democrats of treason!

    But getting back to that one surprise, I was stunned to be seated next to presidential candidate/radio personality Adam Felber. What on earth was he doing in the back with the likes of me?

    Apparently, the poor fellow was just as bewildered as I by the seating arrangements. "Why the hell am I stuck next to you," he kept saying. "And where the (expletive deleted) is my (expletive deleted, expletive deleted) mike?"

    And that's not the worst of it: On at least 3 occasions, I was forced to restrain Felber physically, as he tried to hurl himself over our table, dive across the room, and steal Ed Rollins' microphone.

    Come to think of it, I probably should have stayed out of Felber's way. Cause Ed Rollins' microphone needed stealing.

    I've been running on too long, so to sum things up:
    (a) Bush either will or won't be reelected;
    (b) I either will or won't keep my ghostwriting gig; and
    (c)Adam Felber has a mean left hook.

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July 15, 2003

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July 12, 2003 (Bush Says The Words -- Song Parody)

  • I'm so frustrated by George Tenet's taking the African uranium fall, that I wrote George Bush a song parody. Feel free to sing "Bush Says The Words" to "I Write The Songs" by Barry Manilow (chorus only), using this midi link which opens a second window.

    "Bush Says The Words" (to be sung to the chorus of "I Write The Songs")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    I say the words that other people write.
    Don't give a damn if they are wrong or right.
    As long as folks think war is justified.
    I say the words, I say the words.

    (Fridge Break)

    The CIA warned that my speech was wrong.
    A certain claim just simply didn't belong.
    I had to dupe and scare the milling throngs.
    I say the words, I say the words.

    (Bathroom Break)

    No one can ever prove I meant to lie.
    And that my falsehoods led our men to die.
    The buck will always stop on other guys.
    I say the words, I say the words.

    (Cocktail Break)

    The Dems would love to me and Dick impeach.
    They claim I've lied and that I overreach.
    Just let them try -- I'll Dems a lesson teach.
    I say the words, I say the words.

    (Sex Break)

    It doesn't matter what I say or do.
    How many people's lives are lost or ruined.
    Or that my cowboy talk is rarely true.
    I say the words, I say the words.

    © July 12, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

  • On a happier note, other Bush lies may be coming home to roost. Check out Bush overstated Iraq links to al-Qaida, former intelligence officials say. (Via the terrific Buzzflash, once again)
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July 11, 2003 (More on the AFRICAN URANIUM LIES)

  • Will there be a shoot-out at the G-Dub corral? It sure looks that way -- a fight for survival between George Tenet and Condoleezza Rice. The stakes? Who takes the fall for the SOTU uranium lies.

    Condy's now asserting that the specific wording was approved by the CIA. Of course, she adds that the "White House 'absolutely' had confidence in CIA Director George Tenet, saying he had served 'very well.'" Yeah, right -- no doubt Dubya backs him one-thousand percent.

    Rice, dutifully covering for her "Buck Doesn't Stop Here" boss, also "said no one had expressed any doubts to Bush about the information underlying the National Intelligence Estimate, a report that has input from the 13 U.S. spy agencies and includes consensus and dissenting opinions."

    I sure hope Tenet kept good records! Cause I'd love to see Condy go down and take her boss down with her. (Via Buzzflash, which also discusses CBS's headline change from "Bush Knew Iraq Info Was False" to "Bush Knew Iraq Info Was Dubious.")

    Update: Damn! Tenet wussed out and took the fall. I am sooooooooooooo depressed!

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July 10, 2003 (BREAKING NEWS)

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June 30, 2003 (Dubya Does Dean)

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June 29, 2003 (Do-Re-Mi Dems)

  • Internet Pundit Fantasy Camp (Warning: Swallow before attempting to read.)

  • Back when there was still some money for music in our schools, we learned the Doe, A Deer ditty to help remember the Do-Re-Mi scale. So when I had trouble remembering Moveon.org's Online Democratic Primary results, I decided to use the same handy tune.

    Do-Re-Mi Dems (to be sung to "Doe, A Deer")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Howard Dean's the man to beat.
    Dennis made a decent run.
    Kerry's race went straight to hell.
    Edwards isn't having fun.
    Dick will never pull ahead.
    Graham, he barely even showed.
    Braun should put her run to bed.
    As for Joe & Al, say no!

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June 26, 2003

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June 25, 2003

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June 24, 2003

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June 23, 2003 ("Bush Misleads" -- Song Parody)

    In honor of WinWithoutWar and MoveOn.org's Bush the Misleader campaign, I've written Bush Misleads to be sung to "Let It Be" by Lennon/McCartney. Feel free to use this sing-along midi link which opens a second window.

    Bush Misleads (to be sung to "Let It Be")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    We must drive ourselves in times of trouble.
    Mustn't tarry, must be free.
    We shall work to oust him. Bush misleads.

    For in our hour of darkness
    Bush is fueled by ego, fueled by greed.
    We shall work to oust him. Bush misleads.

    Bush misleads, Bush misleads,
    Bush misleads you and me.
    We shall work to oust him. Bush misleads.

    The poor and broken hearted people
    Living in the world agree.
    Bush is not the answer. Bush misleads.

    He lures us into starting wars and
    Slashes taxes gleefully,
    Only for the wealthy. Bush misleads.

    Bush misleads, Bush misleads,
    Bush misleads you and me.
    Dems will be the answer. Bush misleads.

    Bush misleads, Bush misleads,
    Bush misleads you and me.
    Dems will be the answer. Bush misleads.

    (LONG MUSICAL BREAK: Feel free to whistle.)

    Bush misleads, Bush misleads,
    Bush misleads you and me.
    We shall surely oust him. Bush misleads.

    And we must fight uncowed, we
    Won't be chilled by right wing sly misdeeds.
    Oust our Texas pharaoh. Bush misleads.

    We'll wake up to the sound of news that
    Dubya's days are done, you'll see.
    We shall surely oust him. Bush misleads.

    Bush misleads, Bush misleads,
    Bush misleads you and me.
    We shall surely oust him. Bush misleads.

    Bush misleads, Bush misleads,
    Bush misleads you and me.
    We shall surely oust him. Bush misleads.

    Bush misleads, Bush misleads,
    Bush misleads you and me.
    We shall surely oust him. Bush misleads.

    © June 22, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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June 22, 2003

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June 20, 2003

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June 19, 2003 (Humor I Wish I Wrote)

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June 18, 2003

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June 17, 2003

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June 16, 2003

  • Wow! If you only read one article all week, this one about former Bush aide Rand Beers has to be it. Not only has this former top Bush counterterrorism adviser become a volunteer national security adviser to Senator John Kerry, but he's exposing Bush's war on terror as a sham. Among other things, he says the Bush administration is "underestimating the enemy," " has failed to address the root causes of terror," and that the "difficult, long-term issues both at home and abroad have been avoided, neglected or shortchanged and generally underfunded."

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June 15, 2003

  • Will Democrats ever get their act together and figure out how to challenge George Dubya Bush? Perhaps the election campaign anthem I wrote for them will help bring Congressional leaders and presidential candidates to their senses. Feel free to sing my Democrats' Anthem: Election 2004 to "Blowin' In The Wind" by Bob Dylan, using this midi link which opens a second window.

    "Democrats' Anthem: Election 2004" (to be sung to "Blowin' In The Wind")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    How many wars must a President start
    Without any reason at all?
    How much ill will must a President cause
    Until he at last takes the fall?
    How many wars must a President launch
    Because he is greedy for oil?
    The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
    The answer is dump Republicans.

    How many lies must a President tell
    Before he's impeached or in jail?
    How many truths must a President twist
    Before he's thrown out on his tail?
    How many lies must a President tout
    That lead to much death and despair?
    The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
    The answer is dump Republicans.

    How many lives must a President wreck
    Through job loss and taxation scams?
    How many lives must a President ruin
    Through school cuts and health care be damned?
    How many lives must a President wreck
    Before he's exposed as a sham?
    The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
    The answer is dump Republicans.

    How many times must a President feign
    Concern for the sick and the poor?
    How many times must a President fake
    Compassion till he's shown the door?
    How much foul air must a President cause
    Till Green folks say he's worse than Gore?
    The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
    The answer is dump Republicans.

    How much nuke waste must a President lose
    While busily guarding the oil?
    How many times must a President shun
    His duties and go off AWOL?
    How much nuke waste must a President lose
    While claiming he's evil ones foiled?
    The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
    The answer is dump Republicans.

    How many times must a President smirk
    While signing away all our rights?
    How many times must a President hide
    Behind macho cowboy-like lines?
    How much abuse must a President do
    Of office until we indict?
    The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
    The answer is dump Republicans.
    The answer is dump Republicans.

    © June 14, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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June 14, 2003

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June 13, 2003

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June 12, 2003

  • Regions of Mind, the excellent blog by Geitner Simmons, whom I'm proud to call a friend, has a new address. (Geitner is an editorial writer with the Omaha World-Herald.)

  • As my regular readers know, my mother recently had a very long hospitalization. I'm happy to report that she's now recovered and is doing great! I'm also happy to report that her recovery has allowed me to relaunch my Dubya's Dayly Diary.

  • I'm honored that Norm over at One Good Move says my Ashcroft's Favorite Things song parody inspired him to write Dubya's Favorite Things. Check out his very entertaining song parody!

  • Say hello to A Rational Radical, which I've just added to my Blog Roll.

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June 11, 2003

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June 6, 2003 (Happy Silver Wedding Anniversary To Us!)

  • I've been a blog laggard lately, but I have a great excuse: On June 4th hubby Mark and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

    Gee, thanks so much for thinking I look way too young to be married 25 years. You weren't thinking that? Oh. Ya can't give a girl (okay, woman) a break and pretend you were thinking that? That's much better!

    Anyway, we had a great celebration, thanks to Mark's romantic proclivities. We spent our anniversary night at the Essex House -- the same Central Park South hotel where we spent our first night of wedded bliss. Mark booked the hotel plus Broadway show tickets for Billy Joel and Twyla Tharp's Movin' Out as a surprise. And he really pulled it off -- I had no idea where we were going until we got there.

    The Essex House revisited was a delight, as was the show, whose 10 Tony nominations are well deserved.

    I have to admit that, although I'm a huge Billy Joel fan, I was having trouble imagining a Broadway show with no dialogue or on-stage singing. But it was astonishingly effective! So, if you get to New York, Movin' Out's a "must see." And at the very least, be sure to catch the cast performing at the Tony Awards this Sunday night plus Billy Joel's live-at-Time-Square show opener: "New York State of Mind."

  • On Thursday night we continued our celebration by seeing an improv show -- Chicago City Limits. It was very entertaining, although I'd hoped for more political humor. But the one political song parody they did -- Korea, sung to Maria, about Dubya's longing to go to war with Korea, was excellent. It's my kind of humor, and the whole time they were performing it I was berating myself for not thinking of it first.

  • And speaking of politics, I love this story about the lying contest winner who plans a career in politics. It sounds like he has all the qualifications he needs. (Via Amish Tech Support)

  • Equally irresistible is this latest example of Bush administration logic: In response to those who dare doubt Bush & Co.'s Iraq WMD claims, Donald Rumsfeld said, "We haven't found Saddam Hussein, and I don't know anyone who's running around saying he didn't exist."

    Yup, that should put an end to all those pesky (not to mention, unpatriotic) questions.

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June 2, 2003

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May 31, 2003

  • Here's some Google weirdness that Google URLogist David Weinberger may find interesting: When you do a Google search for Lacy Peterson, the first two results send people to my site. What makes this especially bizarre is that until now, I've never mentioned Lacy Peterson on this blog or anywhere else on MadKane.com. No Lacy Peterson song parodies. No Lacy Peterson satirical poems. No fake interviews with her widower. Not even a Dubya's Dayly Diary Lacy Peterson wisecrack.

    So what gives? As it turns out, my Message Board (which is dominated by virulent arguments between right-wingers and liberals), somehow ended up with a Lacy Peterson discussion wing. And that's where Google sends 'em. Go figure!

    Update: Yes, I know Lacy should be spelled Laci. But a ton of people (including some news sources who should know better) think it's spelled Lacy and are having a nice discussion about the case on my site.

  • And speaking of Google, I really like the new Google Glossary. (Via Max Power)

  • Hubby Mark and I had a ball at Joe's Pub last night seeing the great singer, pianist & songwriter Marcia Ball. If you don't know who she is, picture Dr. John as a tall, slim, 40-plus female who plays Cajun piano at least as well as Dr. John and sings infinitely better. She also has a solid streak of liberal politics plus the guts to make some anti-Bush administration, pro-Dixie Chicks comments in the middle of her concert.

    I got a chance to talk with her briefly backstage, and she's as charming and down to earth as she is talented. All I can say is see her live, if you can, and buy her recordings. Her latest is So Many Rivers.

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May 30, 2003

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May 28, 2003

  • Feeling vulnerable and paranoid, and who isn't these days? Well, if you're a woman, you may soon be able to buy yourself an attack jacket, an "anti-assault device" that "wards off potential assailants with an 80,000-volt electric shock." Let the lawsuits begin. (Via 1do3)

  • Wow! Truth Is Better will come in very handy, the next time you need to counter GOP propaganda and Bushie lies with the truth.

  • The latest Carnival of the Vanities is up, hosted by Deanesmay.com. I haven't gotten a chance to peruse many of the links yet, but it looks to be another winner. One contribution that did capture my immediate attention was the very amusing InstaPundit Song about trolling for Instapundit links. Of course I have a weakness for song parodies about blogging, having written two of my own: Bloggers' Rhapsody and Weblog Wonderland.

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May 27, 2003

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May 25, 2003

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May 22, 2003

  • As I mentioned yesterday, two high profile Bush appointees have resigned this week. Yesterday's post included my ode to Ari Fleischer's departure, so it's only fair that I give equal time (or tune) to Christie Whitman. Feel free to sing "Christie Whitman Went To Town" to "Yankee Doodle," using this midi link.

    Christie Whitman Went To Town (to be sung to "Yankee Doodle")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Christie Whitman went to town
    To do George Dubya's bidding.
    For power acted like a clown,
    Enviro head unfitting.

    Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
    Got what they expected.
    Water that's unsafe to drink
    And air that should be tested.

    Arsenic in the water seemed
    To be the right solution.
    When Bush said standards were too high
    Chris gave him absolution.

    Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
    Got what they expected.
    Water that's unsafe to drink
    And air that should be tested.

    EPA staff quit in droves
    Cause Christie fueled pollution.
    Yes, Whitman did a lot for Rove:
    Enviro regs dilution.

    Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
    Got what they expected.
    Water that's unsafe to drink
    And air that should be tested.

    Christie Whitman came to town,
    She said she was a greenie.
    But Christie failed to push for bills
    That had enviro leaning.

    Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
    Got what they expected.
    Water that's unsafe to drink
    And air that should be tested.

    Global warming was her beat,
    But Christie wasn't worried.
    So what if Bush's policies
    Would get us dead and buried?

    Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
    Got what they expected.
    Water that's unsafe to drink
    And air that should be tested.

    © May 21, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

  • The inimitable Larry Simon over at Amish Tech Support gave me quite a scare yesterday. He revoked the title he once bestowed on me -- "The Weird Al of the Blogosphere" -- because of "the overwhelmingly leftist slant" of my recent parodies. I'm afraid I'll have to plead guilty as charged.

    The good news is he gave me a spanking new, equally fine title: "The Mark Russell of the Blogosphere." Thanks Larry! I appreciate it, and it's probably a better fit. Besides, with all the terrific song parodies, you've written, I'll happily cede the "Weird Al of the Blogosphere" title to you.

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May 21, 2003

  • Will anybody miss Ari Fleischer? Journalists who cover the White House beat certainly won't. On the other hand, he does have his share of groupies.

    Ari's wife won't be celebrating, according to funnyman Andy Borowitz.

  • Of course, I couldn't let Ari give up his Dubya spokesman gig, without writing a song parody in his honor. Feel free to sing along, using this midi link.

    Ari, Ari (to be sung to "Monday, Monday," by John Phillips -- The Mamas and the Papas.)
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Ari, Ari,
    Please don't leave me.
    Ari, Ari,
    You were all I hoped you would be.
    Oh, Ari, Ari,
    Ari, Ari, please guarantee
    Through reelection you will still be here with me.

    Ari, Ari,
    Love your bald pate.
    Ari, Ari,
    And that you don't equivocate.
    One Monday morning you gave me a warning
    Of what is to be.
    Oh, Ari, Ari, you can't leave. I'm not home free.

    Love the things you say,
    Love your spinning ways,
    Love the things you say, all your gaggle lines, yeah.
    Cause whatever questions come,
    Yes, whatever questions come,
    We can find you spinning all of the time.

    Ari, Ari,
    You're newly wed.
    Ari, Ari,
    Guess you want more down time in bed.
    But Ari, Ari,
    Ari, Ari, they'll say you fled.
    And if you leave me who will keep the press misled?

    Ari, Ari,
    Love how you talk.
    Ari, Ari,
    Though you come from evil New Yawk.
    Oh, Ari, Ari,
    Ari, Ari, you just can't go.
    Cause if you leave me I will really miss you so.

    © May 21, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

  • My previous departure/demotion tributes include: Five Foot Ten, Hey Hughes, Trent Lott's Lot, Bye Bye Mitch, and Handling Harvey.

    And speaking of departing Bushies, Christie Whitman is leaving the EPA to return to New Jersey. All I can say is Bush's loss is Jersey's loss.

  • Cut on the Bias does a fine job hosting this week's eclectic Carnival of the Vanities.
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May 19, 2003

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May 14, 2003

  • Slate's Jack Shafer has an interesting perspective on the Jayson Blair affair, as does Cut on the Bias. This latest journalism scandal reminds me of a satirical piece about "creative" journalists I wrote in 1999 for Shesgotittogether.com:

    What, Me Lie?
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    I shouldn't have been surprised by the fact checker's call. Yet another columnist (this one in Arizona) has been accused of making stuff up. And whenever that happens, publications tend to worry they'll be next. So they put their fact checkers on overtime, leading to conversations like this:

    "We're doing credibility checks for all our columnists," my caller said. "I'm afraid I'll have to ask you a few questions."

    "No problem," I said, feigning confidence. "Go ahead and ask."

    "Do you recall that Utah mountain climbing piece you wrote in 1996? The one where your husband Mark gets you lost, you almost get killed, and you crawl down the mountain derriere first?"

    "How could I forget?"

    "It isn't true, is it?"

    "Of course it's true. I still have scars."

    "I see," she said, sounding rather disturbed. "What about the columns about the motor boat incident and the river tubing disaster? And the one where Mark leaves you stranded with a flat tire. Surely they're not true too!"

    "They all happened just the way I said. Ask my husband -- he'll confirm every word."

    "But the one where Mark tries to fix your shower and turns your bathroom into a swimming pool -- surely that one's fiction."

    "That column's true too," I answered as calmly as I could. By now I was extremely annoyed ... at my husband.

    "And the 1997 column about the third time Mark lost your...?"

    "I don't have time for more questions. I have to find a divorce lawyer."

    "That's okay. I think I have everything I need," she said. "Our managing editor will be in touch soon."

    Sure enough, he called a few days later. "I have bad news," he said. "I hate to do this, but I'm terminating your contract."

    "I don't understand," I protested. "My column generates lots of email. Some of it's even good."

    "You're right. But we've been checking up on you, and you have serious credibility problems."

    "What do you mean?"

    "You're supposed to be a humorist, but most of your columns are true."

    "It's not my fault I lead such a funny life. Besides, I occasionally exaggerate. And sometimes I out and out lie."

    "That's not good enough. I have to let you go."

    "But Dave Barry gets to say 'I'm not making this up,' from time to time. Why can't I?"

    "Because I know Dave Barry, and you're no Dave Barry."

    "Please," I begged. "Give me another chance. I'll do anything you say."

    "Will you write a heartfelt letter apologizing to our readers?"

    "Of course."

    "And from now on I'll need affidavits from your husband vouching for the inaccuracy of your columns."

    I hesitated, wondering if Mark would cooperate. Maybe it wasn't too late to pull the plug on that divorce complaint.

    "I'll make sure he signs them," I said. "Anything else?"

    "One last thing: Promise me that all your future columns will be 100% fact-free."

    "That's impossible."

    "You don't have any choice. I have hundreds of would-be columnists begging for your slot."

    "At least give me a plus or minus 10% margin of error."

    "You've got yourself a deal," he said. "It's nice to have you back."

    "It's nice to be back. Thanks!"

    "I'll expect a new column in my e-mail box by 5 P.M. tomorrow. Make sure it's funny and it's false."

    The line went dead before I could respond. But I'm pleased to say I delivered that column on time. And that I either am -- or am not -- making this up.

    © 1999 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
    1st Published ShesGotItTogether.com

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May 13, 2003

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May 10, 2003 (Go Massapequa!)

  • I never blog about sports scandals, let alone high school sports scandals. But how can I resist one that involves Massapequa High School -- my alma mater?

    Yes, I confess -- I hail from the famous and/or infamous Massapequa -- Massapequa Park, to be precise -- and graduated from Massapequa High School. And no, I most definitely am not going to tell you when.

    If Massapequa sounds vaguely familiar, maybe you remember Massapequan Jerry Seinfeld's standup reference to Massapequa as "an old Indian name that means 'by the mall.'"

    Or perhaps you recall the late night joke fodder of many a comic and talk show host -- Joey Buttafuoco and Jim Bakker-temptress Jessica Hahn.

    For some reason, Massapequa has far more than its fair share of famous hometowners. Seinfeld, Buttafuoco, and Hahn not enough for you? We also have the Baldwin brothers, Ron Kovic, Steve Guttenberg, Brian Setzer (Stray Cats), Marvin Hamlisch, Dee Snyder (Twisted Sister), and Peggy "Read My Lips" Noonan. What on earth did they put in Massapequa's water?

    But getting back to Massapequa High's sports scandal, what do I think of its suspending varsity baseball players for going to Florida strip clubs? It's downright silly!

    On the other hand, I wouldn't mind it if they recalled that "kinder, gentler" diploma they gave to Ms. "Thousand Points of Light."

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May 7, 2003

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May 1, 2003

  • I'm a Dixie Chicks fan, so I've been itching to comment on their PC (patriotic correctness) brouhaha. (I'm not sure who originated the phrase "patriotic correctness," but I love it.) I dedicate "Traitor" Chicks Serenade to the Dixie Chicks and hope you'll enjoy singing it to Lollipop, written by Beverly Ross and Julius Dixon and first performed by the Chordettes. Feel free to use this midi link.

    "Traitor" Chicks Serenade" (to be sung to "Lollipop")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks.

    Call 'em Traitor Dixie Chicks, tell you why,
    Insulting Bush besmirches apple pie.
    So when they try to sing and play and dance,
    Man, they haven't got a chance.

    They call 'em Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks!

    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks.

    Did a nudie cover pose, tell you why,
    They're using humor to combat the lies.
    The wingnuts diss 'em till they can't see straight,
    Though those Dixie Chicks are great!

    They call 'em Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks!

    Better a band is tough to spot,
    Rockabilly, country or jazz.
    If we had free speech, they'd still be hot.
    Instead the Chicks are razzed.
    Traitor Chicks!

    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks.

    Springsteen tried to help 'em out, took a risk.
    The right wing freaked and Jersey Bruce they Fisked.
    They urged fake patriots to CDs burn.
    Concert dates they said to spurn.

    They call 'em Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks!

    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks.

    Banished from the radio for their sins.
    It makes no difference all their big prize wins.
    Bush fans will diss 'em till they can't see straight.
    Though the Dixie Chicks are great.

    They call 'em Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks!

    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks.

    Branded as disloyal, and I'll tell you why,
    Cause anti-Bush words righties can't abide.
    Some even used to think those Chicks were great.
    Now the Dixie Chicks don't rate.

    They call 'em Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks!

    Acted contrite, but how they failed!
    Pious types just want them in jail.
    Gals who don't support George Bush's wars.
    Must surely be big whores.
    Evil Whores!

    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks, Dixie Chicks, oh Dixie Dixie Dixie,
    Dixie Chicks.

    Spare us from those chickenhawks, George and Dick.
    The men in charge, that voters did not pick.
    And George Bush worshippers who think he's czar, and
    Want the Chicks from radio barred.

    They call 'em Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
    Traitor Chicks.

    © April 29, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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