1 (c) "Next time the liberal press'll think twice before pesterin me fer a press conference. Cause I sprung one on em Wednesday, and I was fabulous! Those reporters were on the hunt, but they sure as hell didn't have me on the run!"
2 (b) "Laura's freakin cause it leaked out that she had someone buy a kiddy's book fer some TV appearance & then returned the used book fer credit. I don't see what the problem is -- she's just settin a good frugal example fer the American people."
3 (a) "The media likes to dwell on death. It gets them viewers, gets them read. They live to publish lies and leaks. They're just a bunch of sniv'ling sneaks."
4 (d) "I really like honorin our Vets, especially the dead ones. Just so long as nobody makes me hug their relatives!"
5 (a) "I still don't give a damn what the CIA thinks about the Niger thing. Or what those Dems pantin ta get inta my Oval Office think. Cause God blessed my speech & everything else I say or do. And the truth about Saddam'll come out -- even if I have ta put it there."
6 (b) " I was glad ta hear CBS caved on the Ronald Reagan flick. That should teach em a big time lesson. The next time they do a Republican Prez movie, they'll make it real true ta life like the one about me."
7 (c) "I'm not so thrilled about stayin at the Palace, cause that damned Queen nixed mosta my security demands. Who the hell does she think she is? If she doesn't watch out I'll ask her about her family black sheep again."
8 (a) "I won't rest till people have got jobs. As long as it doesn't interfere with my vacations!"
9 (c) "I'm havin a great time at the ranch, clearin brush & fishin & torturin my aides by makin em join me in my runs. Mosta them are such weenies, they're more likely ta faint then ta earn theirselves a 100 Degree Club tee."
10 (a) "Yesterday was 'pretend I care about blacks' day, so I spoke ta the Urban League. And it was extra annoyin cause I couldn't do a lotta my regular stump speech. Like if I talked about cuttin spendin, Karl said I'd probably get lynched. So instead, I gave em some line about 'not tirin till we've extended the great promise of America to every neighborhood in America.' Kinda like 'Leave No Neighborhood Behind,' but way longer."
11 (d) "Lieberman's been runnin around tellin people I'm givin a just war a bad name. He even did it on yesterday's Today Show. But Karl says not ta worry about it. When we're through with Lieberman, he'll be lucky ta get on the History Channel."
12 (d) "I'm really lookin forward ta my UK trip & ta seein my good pood... I mean, pal... Tony again. And ta celebratin our 'special relationship.' And workin on our 'get the hell outa Iraq while the goin's good' policy."
13 (c) " I hate it when Tony & me give speeches back ta back. Cause he always makes me look bad. Must be the accent!"
14 (a) "I'm finally back from Africa. What a shameless nation -- they even watch elephants havin sex. No wonder Bill Clinton's so popular there!"
15 (d) "Once when Tony said he wanted ta talk about Turkey, I thought he meant Thanksgiving and started tellin him about me pardonin some turkey that tried ta bite me. When he told me he meant a country that had just been attacked, we had a real big laugh. Well I did, anyway."
16 (a) "People are makin a big deal just cause soldiers die in Iraq from time ta time. I don't know what they want from me -- I never said it'd be a yellowcakewalk."
17 (c) "Some new comic -- Dennis Miller - just started campaignin fer me. Mosta the time I haven't a clue what he's talkin about. Plus he isn't nearly as funny as Drew Carey. But at least he looks like he has a passin acquaintance with a treadmill."
18 (b) "Boy am I glad ta be back home. Okay not home, exactly, cause DC ain't home. But it sure as hell beats the UK. No wonder those fellas revolted! Anyway, every time I turned around they were pointin me at bad art & smelly old books. Or makin me hug widows who need a dentist. Plus those Brits are so inta time-wastin ceremonies, I almost threw up. Kinda like Poppy did, but someplace else."
19 (a) "Laura's been helpin out with the fund raisin in between tellin people they should read. As long as she doesn't tell em ta read Hillary's book! If she wants ta recommend a book by a girl, she should stick to stuff like Treason by that blond who looks like she never eats."
20 (d) "I hear some 9/11 committee wants ta question Clinton & me. Well, they can have a good time botherin Clinton, if he's stupid enuff ta do it. But nobody gets ta question or 2nd guess me! Except maybe God."
Here's some information about the real Bush quotes:
1 (a) "I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances." (Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003)
(b) "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill." (Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003)
(d) "There's what they call 'actionable intelligence,' to which our military has responded on a quick basis is improving." (Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003)
2 (a) "I think war is a dangerous place." (Washington, D.C., May 7, 2003)
(c) "We've had a great weekend here in the Land of the Enchanted." (Albuquerque, New Mexico, May 12, 2003 -- New Mexico's nickname is "Land of Enchantment.")
(d) "When you hear about war all the time on your TV screens, the speculation of war and the discussion of war, it's not conducive to a confident tomorrow." (Fridley, Minnesota, Jun. 19, 2003)
3 (b) "I don't bring God into my life to - to, you know, kind of be a political person." (Interview with Tom Brokaw aboard Air Force One, April 24, 2003)
(c) "As you notice, when there's a hole in the ground and a person is able to crawl into it in a country the size of California, it means we're on a scavenger hunt for terror, and find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data. And we're on it." (Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003)
(d) "We said loud and clear [to corporate wrongdoers], if you cheat the shareholder and your employees, you will be held responsible for those decisions. The world is now more peaceful because we acted. (Fridley, Minnesota, Jun. 19, 2003)
4 (a) "All up and down the different aspects of our society, we had meaningful discussions. Not only in the Cabinet Room, but prior to this and after this day, our secretaries, respective secretaries, will continue to interact to create the conditions necessary for prosperity to reign." (Washington D.C., May 19, 2003)
(b) "It's money that -- that will recognize that power is best when it's disbursed to the people we're trying to help." (Washington, D.C., Jan. 14, 2003)
(c) "We've got hundreds of sites to exploit, looking for the chemical and biological weapons that we know Saddam Hussein had prior to our entrance into Iraq." (Santa Clara, Calif., May 2, 2003)
5 (b) "I wanna remind you all that I -- in, in order -- what -- in order to fight and win the war it requires a expenditure of money -- uhh, uhh -- that is commiserate with keeping a promise to our troops to make sure that they're well paid, well trained, well equipped." (Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003)
(c) "I was the guy that said they [the U.N.] ought to vote. And one country voted -- at least showed their cards, I believe. It's an old Texas expression, show your cards, when you're playing poker. France showed their cards." (Lajes, Azores, Mar. 16, 2003)
(d) "You're free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it'll take time to restore chaos and order - order out of chaos. But we will." (Washington, D.C., April 13, 2003)
6 (a) "As to whether or not -- look, once the strategy is in place, I will let people know whether or not I'm airborne or not. In other words, I'm not trying to make any -- I don't need to dramatize the decision. It's getting plenty of attention here at home. But we've got -- and look, I'm just gathering enough information to be rational in what we do." (Washington, D.C., July. 3, 2003)
(c) "The [military] academies are really important for a lot of reasons. Obviously, what you learn on the football field is even more important since we're still at war. (Washington, D.C., May 16, 2003)
(d) "Ten million seniors receive dividends. It's a part of their retirement package. It's a part of making sure the quality of life is high. A dividend is a part of a dollar that has gone through our system that has been taxed twice." (Grand Rapids, Michigan, Jan. 29, 2003)
7 (a) "The most interesting statistics about the entrepreneurial spirit is the number of Hispanic small businesses that are flourishing in our country." (Washington, D.C., Apr. 15, 2003)
(b) "What you -- the character you displayed in your drive to be the best will serve our nation well. Because we're still at war. We learned that lesson in Saudi Arabia the other day. An al Qaeda -- a group we think is al Qaeda killed innocent life just for the sake of killing them. (Washington, D.C., May 16, 2003)
(d) "We ended the rule of one of history's worst tyrants, and in so doing, we not only freed the American people, we made our own people more secure." (Crawford, Texas, May 3, 2003)
8 (b) "If those killers, those criminals believe that their bloody criminal acts will shake even one hair off the body of our nation and its unity, then they are deceiving themselves." (CNN, May 13, 2003)
(c) "Our greatest strength -- well, let me -- gas prices are coming down, which, by the way, is positive for the American consumer, American people." (Santa Clara, California, May 2, 2003)
(d) "Many of the punditry—of course, not you (laughter)—but other punditry were quick to say, no one is going to follow the United States of America." (Washington, D.C., Jan. 21, 2003)
9 (a) "But one of the problems of being a productive economy is that a worker can -- one worker puts out -- there's better output per worker, let me put it to you that way." (Little Rock, Arkansas, May 5, 2003)
(b) "I said you were a man of peace. I want you to know I took immense crap for that." (Conversation with Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon as reported on Jun. 3, 2003 in the Washington Post)
(d) "I didn't mean to dis the New York Times editorial page, but I just didn't -- I'm not reading it a lot these days." (Washington, D.C., Dec. 12, 2003)
10 (b) "We need a energy policy." (Fridley, Minnesota, June 19, 2003)
(c) "We got into deficit because the economy went into the recession -- is how we got into deficit." (Little Rock, Arkansas, May 5, 2003)
(d) "You see, it wasn't all that long ago that our tanks were in Baghdad. It may seem like a lot of time -- there's a lot on our TV screens -- but it wasn't all that long ago that the people got the first whiff of freedom." (Said a short time after U.S. tanks entered Baghdad and while they still occupied Iraq, in Lima, Ohio, Apr. 24, 2003)
11 (a) "All of us need to step back and try to figure out how to make the U.N. work better as we head into the 21st century. Perhaps one way will be, if we use military force, in the post-Saddam Iraq the U.N. will definitely need to have a role. And that way it can begin to get its legs, legs of responsibility back." (Azores, Portugal, March 16, 2003)
(b) "I think that we believe there are chemical weapons in Syria." (Washington, D.C., Apr. 13, 2003)
(c) "It's a different kind of war than we're used to in America. It's a war that requires patience and focus." (Washington, D.C., Mar. 4, 2003)
12 (a) "It's an unimaginable honor to be the President of such a fabulous country. I say 'fabulous country' because there is no doubt in my mind we can achieve anything we put our mind to." (Little Rock, Arkansas, May 5, 2003)
(b) "You can't cure unless you measure. And there are too many of our children who cannot read and write and add and subtract, and we better figure out how to not only figure out who can't read and write, but how to cure it now, before it's too late." (Washington, D.C., Feb. 24, 2003)
(c) "Should any Iraqi officer or soldier receive an order from Saddam Hussein or his sons or any of the killers who occupy the high levels of their government, my advice is don't follow that order. If you choose to do so, when Iraq is liberated, you will be treated, tried and persecuted as a war criminal." (St. Louis, Mo., Jan. 22, 2003)
13 (a) "Now, we talked to Joan Hanover. She and her husband, George, were visiting with us. They are near retirement - retiring - in the process of retiring, meaning they're very smart, active, capable people who are retirement age and are retiring." (Alexandria, Va., Feb. 12, 2003.)
(b) "She is a fabulous First Lady. I was a lucky man when she said, yes, I agree to marry you. I love her dearly, and I'm proud of the job she's doing on behalf of all Americans. Just like I love my brother." (Jacksonville, Florida, Sep. 9, 2003)
(d) "I've got very good relations with President Mubarak and Crown Prince Abdallah and the King of Jordan, Gulf Coast countries." (Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003)
14 (b) "Oftentimes, we live in a processed world you know, people focus on the process and not results." (Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003)
(c) "Iran would be dangerous if they have a nuclear weapon." (Washington, D.C., June 18, 2003)
(d) "I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things." (Aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003)
15 (a) "And the time is getting worse. That's what people have got to understand up there in Washington or over there in Washington down there in Washington, whatever. Thought I was in Crawford for a minute." (Scranton, Pennsylvania, Jan. 16, 2003)
(b) "When I picked the Secretary of Education I wanted somebody who knew something about public education. (Washington, D.C., Apr. 30, 2003)
(c) "I appreciate [Florida Governor] Jeb [Bush] -- talk about swamping somebody, he knows the definition of 'swamp' when it comes to political campaigns." (Tampa, Florida, June 30, 2003)
16 (b) "I'm the master of low expectations." (Aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003)
(c) "Now, there are some who would like to rewrite history - revisionist historians is what I like to call them." (Elizabeth, N.J., June 16, 2003)
(d) "Perhaps the biggest problem is that we have passed children from grade to grade, year after year, and those -- child hadn't learned the basics of reading and math." (Washington, D.C., Jan. 8, 2003)
17 (a) "It means that doctors are practicing what they call preventative medicine. In other words, if you think somebody's going to sue you, if you're in a litigious society, then you'll take extra care by prescribing more and more either procedures, or whatever it may be." (Miami, Florida, June 30, 2003)
(b) "I want to thank members of my administration who are here who will be involved in the implementation of some of the initiatives that I've outlined to the United States Congress. The Secretary of Education is here, Rod Paige, behind me. John Ashcroft is here... And, most importantly, Alma Powell, secretary of Colin Powell, is with us." (White House, Jan. 30, 2003)
(d) "Whatever amount of energy and effort is required from the White House, we will provide it, to get a bill done this summer, one that I can sign and then we can all go back to our districts -- in my case, tour the country -- and say we have accomplished a major objective. Together we work together." (Washington, D.C., Jun. 25, 2003)
18 (a) "The true strength of America happens when a neighbor loves a neighbor just like they'd like to be loved themselves." (Elizabeth, N.J., June 16, 2003)
(c) "I like to remind people that there are three parties involved directly in the territories there. There's the Israeli government. I believe the Israeli people want peace, and I believe their government when they say they want a peaceful state, living side by side Israel." (Washington, D.C., Jun. 25, 2003)
(d) "I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are ... probably read the news themselves." (Interview With Brit Hume on Fox News Channel, Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003)
19 (b) "I know there's a lot of young ladies who are growing up wondering whether or not they can be champs. And they see the championship teams from USC and University of Portland here, girls who worked hard to get to where they are, and they're wondering about the example they're setting. What is life choices about?" (Washington, D.C., Feb. 24, 2003)
(c) "It is wonderful to be here at Harrison High. I'm honored to be in the presence of the principal, Donnie Griggers. I want to thank he and his staff -- (applause) -- he and his fine staff for putting up with the entourage." (Kennesaw, Georgia, Feb. 20, 2003)
(d) "I think it's interesting. I'm a follower of American politics." (When asked about Arnold Schwarzenegger running for governor of California, Crawford, Texas, Aug. 8, 2003)
20 (a) "One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end." (Washington, D.C., Jan. 8, 2003)
(b) "And it's interesting -- in the room there is something like 60 percent of all the world trade -- was affected -- was countries in that room, and therefore it was a, I think, a very positive and strong statement." (On the draft statement on multilateral trade issues made at the APEC summit, aboard Air Force One, Oct. 22, 2003)
(c) "It's going to be very important for the Iraqi authorities to reach out to those people and talk about a system that guarantees minority rights, and a system which says that for some the future is bright." (Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003)