Dear Diary -- Damn the snow! Which reminds me -- I hear Dave Frum's book about me says swearin's not allowed in my White House. Course that rule doesn't apply ta me. But then no rules apply ta me.
Gettin back ta the weather -- on accounta the snow, I was stuck in a two hour motorcade from Camp David ta the White House cause they couldn't fly the copter. Plus I bet if the weather was better, there'd a been some kinda al Quaeda attack over the weekend & the Orange Alert warrnins woulda been proved right. Not that I want a terrible attack! More like somethin we can stop in the middle so too many people aren't hurt & I look like a hero.
But instead, the weather ruined our predictions. If it was gonna ruin things, why couldn't it mess up all those damn peace parades?
The only good thing is that Ashy's people helped NYC stop the NY peaceniks from paradin by filin some kinda court papers. Cause I'm always happy ta help NY -- hahaha!
Karl told me that NY cops charged a buncha demonstrators with horses. I wouldn't mind doin that myself! Of course, first I'd have ta learn how ta ride. And that's takin pretendin ta be a cowboy waaaaaaay too far!
Feb. 20, 2003
Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's too busy ignoring peace marches and focus groups to post. But here's a new Dubya comic strip -- Our Action President.
February 24, 2003
Dear Diary -- How dare people call me a Chicken-Hawk! I've got a great military record ... at least the part that isn't ... uuh ... missin.
February 26, 2003
Dear Diary -- I can't believe how whiney all those governors are. And that includes Jeb! But if those guys want money from me their shoppin at the wrong store. Anyway, I don't see what their problem is. They just have ta follow my example & pass their problems down ta the mayors.
Karl said it'd be easy ta scam the governors on the Medicaid thing. But fer once the Boy Genius seems ta be wrong. A few are fallin for it, but a bunch seem like they're onta me. Which is the liberal media's fault. They've been writin all kindsa mean things bout me lately. They even caught me lyin bout Blue-Chip guys endorsin my tax plan. I hate it when the media pays attention!
Which reminds me -- I had ta laugh at that Time Mag cover pic a me dressed as Uncle Sam askin if people want this war. Like I care what they think. What's that thing the twins say all the time? Oh yeah -- As if!
And speakin bout war, I hear Saddam's challenged me ta a debate. Yeah, like I'm gonna debate the guy that tried ta kill my dad. Besides, Saddam's even scarier than Gore. So I'll say the same thing I said last year when he challenged me ta a duel. No way Josein!
Dear Diary -- Hill Republicans are PO'd on accounta me blamin em for the Homeland Security funds shortfall. But I have ta blame someone & besides, they brought it on themselves. Next time they'll think twice before winnin both Houses.
I just wish I could come up with a good fall guy fer the Turkey mess. Which reminds me -- my "nations that need punishin" list is gettin so long I may have ta switch ta a "countries I don't hate yet" list.
Dear Diary -- God sure did one hellofa great job guidin me through last night's press conference. He kept me on message the entire time. Of course knowing the questions in advance didn't hurt either.
And speakina God, that Popal envoy was real annoyin with all his anti-war gobbledygook. I told him that God says war'll lead ta peace & fix the economy, but he wasn't buyin. I don't know who those guys are talkin ta, but it isn't God.
But anyway, the main thing is that I'm at peace with the decision ta go ta war that I haven't made yet.
March 10, 2003
Dear Diary -- Ari says people think I was medicated at the press conference. But they were just seein the peace that comes with doin God's will. That plus a coupla valium work miracles -- hahaha!
Ari also says folks are arguin bout whether I accidentally said the press conference was scripted Thursday night. Which of course it was and of course I did. Musta been the pills!
Not that it matters. Cause we made everyone either remove the whole line from the transcript or turn "scripted" inta "unscripted" by addin a "un". If only it was so easy ta subtract the UN.
Note from Mad Kane: My mother's still in the hospital, so these spotty postings continue. My apologies for the lack of "real" entries courtesy of Dubya. Perhaps some of my tax humor columns from previous years can make it up to you. You can find them all on my Money Humor page. Or you can go directly to Interactive Taxes, Taxing Times, and Taxing Memories.
The Rummy Poem Slate Missed By Madeleine Begun Kane
Don Rumsfeld wants some muting
Of news that he's disputing
And photos he's refuting,
Cause we've won every fray.
So what if Baghdad's lawless?
Democracy ain't flawless.
Who cares if there's some chaos
In our Baghdad today?
Forget about the looting.
Don't care about the shooting.
We all should be out rooting
For the U.S. each day.
Sure, liberty's untidy.
Who cares? Our force is mighty.
Cause God is on our side, see?
Praise the U.S. of A.
April 22, 2003
Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's Dayly Diary is still on hiatus, due to my mother's hospitalization. But I did write a new song parody:
"All I Want Is A New Regime" to be sung to "Wouldn't It Be Loverly" from "My Fair Lady."
All I Want Is A New Regime By Madeleine Begun Kane
All I want is a new regime,
In the White House a brand new team,
From ear to ear I'd beam,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
No more war talk from Bush and Blair,
Say good-bye to that plund'ring pair,
Bush out of my gray hair,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
The rest is here, where you'll also find a sing-along midi link.
May 1, 2003
Note from Mad Kane: I'm a Dixie Chicks fan, so I've been itching to comment on their PC (patriotic correctness) brouhaha. (I'm not sure who originated the phrase "patriotic correctness," but I love it.) I dedicate "Traitor" Chicks Serenade to the Dixie Chicks and hope you enjoy it:
"Traitor" Chicks Serenade" (to be sung to "Lollipop")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Call 'em Traitor Dixie Chicks, tell you why,
Insulting Bush besmirches apple pie.
So when they try to sing and play and dance,
Man, they haven't got a chance.
Did a nudie cover pose, tell you why,
They're using humor to combat the lies.
The wingnuts diss 'em till they can't see straight,
Though those Dixie Chicks are great!
The whole song parody is here, where you'll also find a sing-along midi link.
May 7, 2003
Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's Dayly Diary is still on hiatus. But in honor of Mitch Daniels' resignation as head of the OMB, I've written "Bye Bye Mitch," to be sung to "Bye Bye Love." Here's how it begins:
Bye Bye Mitch (to be sung to "Bye Bye Love")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Bye bye Mitch,
Mitch D's quit, he says,
He helped make a mess,
I sure ain't gonna cry.
Bye bye Mitch,
Bye bye insolence,
He's not my kind of guy.
I sure ain't gonna cry.
There goes Mitch Daniels to something new.
He'll run for office. I hope he'll lose.
He was Dub's henchman, till Daniels quit.
Good-bye to Mitch Daniels' fiscal myths.
Bye bye Mitch,
Mitch D's quit, he says...
The whole song parody is here, where you'll also find a sing-along midi link.
Note from Mad Kane: I've posted a new song parody, Ari, Ari, in honor of Ari Fleischer's resignation. You'll find this musical spoof and lots of other new stuff on my Notables Weblog. And to those who've been wondering, Dubya's Dayly Diary will be back sometime in June.
May 23, 2003
Note from Mad Kane: Christie Whitman's resigned her EPA post. That deserves a song, don't you think?
Christie Whitman Went To Town (to be sung to "Yankee Doodle")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Christie Whitman went to town
To do George Dubya's bidding.
For power acted like a clown,
Enviro head unfitting.
Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
Got what they expected.
Water that's unsafe to drink
And air that should be tested.
Dear Diary -- I've been too busy wagin war, ta write here fer a real long time. But I'm in between wars right now, so I'll try ta catch up.
I'm just back from tourin too many countries ta count. And none of em compares ta the ranch -- which Chirac isn't gettin invited ta.
But I gave Vlad Putin a ranch invite, just ta rub that Frenchy's nose in it. Even though I'm none too pleased these days with Pootie Poot neither. But Condy said punishin Chirac'd work a whole lot better if I pretended ta forgive one of them old Europe types. And no way was I gonna pretend ta forgive Schroeder.
Of course the G8 was the usual waste a time. Although it was kinda cool makin Chirac squirm by leavin early fer my big appearance at the Mideast summit.
Not that I really wanted ta do the summit either. Fer one thing, it's way too hot there, even fer me. Plus I hate investin my rep on somethin that's bound ta fail, no matter how much I ride herd on those losers.
Especially since a coupla years back I blamed the Mideast mess on Clinton, sayin that when ya hold a summit ya'd better damn well succeed! Not that any press peons'll even remember me sayin it.
My favorite parta the trip was tourin concentration camps. Cause that gave me a great excuse ta say they remind us of the existence of evil. And how great I am at fightin it -- hahaha!
Which reminds me -- where the hell's the WMDs??? I know they're there, damn it!
But now everyone's makin a big stink, sayin I lied bout the intelligence & misled em inta attackin Iraq. Well of course I lied! I couldn't very well tell people my WMD intelligence came straight from God.
June 11, 2003
Dear Diary -- Damn that Sharon! Where's he come off attackin terrorists without my permission? If I don't get me this year's Noble Peace Prize, I'm holdin him personally liable.
I'm also PO'd on accounta all the attention Hillary's gettin over her book. Who cares what she thinks?
Besides, politico wives shouldn't even be allowed ta write books. I can't imagine why Bill Clinton let her do it. And I'm sure as hell not lettin Laura write one. It's bad enuff she wastes so much time readin em.
And speakina politico wives makin book trouble, Neil had ta spend big time dineros ta keep his ex's trap shut. Talk about a close call!
But gettin back ta Hillary, maybe Bill let her write it on accounta needin the money. That's what happens when you're born inta the wrong kinda family.
Still, bein here sure beats runnin around givin Medicare speeches. Just yesterday I was in the state nobody knows I come from, sayin "The challenge fer America is to make sure that life-saving drugs are both affordable and available to America's seniors." I just love how senile seniors eat that stuff up!
I've gotta go now and celebrate Poppy's birthday by whoppin him at golf.
June 16, 2003
Dear Diary -- What an awful weekend! Fer one thing, Poppy beat me at golf. And I don't care what he says -- it's not enjoyin the game that counts!
Also, Ari's tearin what's lefta his hair out over that damn Segway photo plastered all over the news. How was I supposta know ta turn the thing on first?
Of course Dick thinks the whole thing's funny. He crawled outta his cave long enuff ta call & brag that henever fell off a Segway. I told him if he doesn't find some WMDs soon, he'll be takin another kinda fall.
June 17 2003
Dear Diary -- I hear some Swede or Dane or Norway guy's pushin ta nominate Bill Clinton ta head up NATO. Not over my dead body!
Dear Diary -- Tony Blair's freakin on accounta he'll be out on his ass real soon, if we don't find WMDs ASAP. So, wimp that he is, he's startin ta panic. And he's pushin fer quicky plea deals with Iraq prisoners, who can maybe give us a hint where the damn stuff is hidin.
But like I told him, these things can't be rushed. Cause I've got plenty a time -- till Nov. '04.
That'll teach him ta make nice with Chirac behind George Bush's back!
Besides, as much as I'd like ta find the WMDs, it doesn't much matter. Cause like Karl's always sayin, I can't be stopped! The Dems can dream all they want about the I-word. But with my pals runnin the House, nobody'd say "Boo!" even if I messed with an intern.
Not that I'd ever bother. Cause wagin war is a lot more fun!
June 23, 2003
Dear Diary -- Fund raisin's been goin just great, except fer me havin ta go to New York today & pretend ta like Pataki. But other than fund raisin & launchin the tee-ball season Sunday, everything else sucks big time!
Fer one thing, it looks like Saddam's still not dead. Hell, fer all we know he's out partyin with bin Laden.
Plus, though Karl promised me everyone'd ferget the WMDs by now, the story ain't goin away. Even George Will's on my case!
And they made me make a speech explainin how great we're doin in Iraq, which I told em I couldn't say with a straight face. But it worked out okay -- you don't need a straight face on the radio.
Anyway, Boy Genius Karl (whose name I'm thinkina changin ta Loud Mouth) swears that if short attention spans don't put the WMD story ta bed, Iran & North Korea nukes will. Which reminds me -- I'm havin a real hard time decidin which ta attack next. But Karl says don't worry -- the main thing right now is ta keep em both in play. Cause Nov. '04's still a long ways away.
June 26, 2003
Dear Diary -- I almost forgot ta mention the great line I said ta Abbas at the summit: "God told me to strike at al Qaida and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East. If you help me I will act, and if not, the elections will come and I will have to focus on them." God stuff is great for negotiations!
Which reminds me -- I ain't negotiatin with the Dems when it comes ta pickin the next Sup Court Judge, or Justice, or whatever the hell they call theirselves. Of course, Karl says it'll be easier if I don't have ta name one till my 2nd term. But I'm itchin fer one of em ta retire ASAP, cause I'm on a roll!
And speakina rolls, Laura says I'm gettin one. Note to self: No more jacket-less photo ops until my leg's good enuff ta jog again.
Laura's been helpin out with the fund raisin in between tellin people they should read. As long as she doesn't tell em ta read Hillary's book!
If she wants ta recommend a book by a girl, she should stick to stuff like Treason by that blond who looks like she never eats. The one they say is writin a weblog -- whatever that is.
June 29, 2003
Dear Diary -- I haven't had time ta write here. Cause I been too busy torturin Laura & the twins about what gifts I'm gettin fer my birthday. And they'd better be safer then the Segway!
But I haveta say I can't believe any a these damn Dems thinks he's got a snowflake's chance in hell a beatin me. I mean, get real! I've got all the dinero. Not ta mention me bein a war hero!!! While all the Dems have got are some stupidtheme songs.
July 2, 2003
Dear Diary -- Some new comic -- Dennis Miller - just started campaignin fer me. Mosta the time I haven't a clue what he's talkin about. Plus he isn't nearly as funny as Drew Carey. But at least he looks like he has a passin acquaintance with a treadmill.
And speakina celeb types, from now on No Photo Ops unless I know what they're famous fer. Cause I just assumed that Ruth woman was somebody's grandma. Or else a really tiny writer. Jeez, a sex expert? Ashy's gonna go crazy!
Which reminds me -- Laura's freakin cause it leaked out that she had someone buy a kiddy's book fer some TV appearance & then returned the used book fer credit.
I don't see what the problem is -- she's just settin a good frugal example fer the American people.
I've gotta go now & raise me another pile a moola.
July 5, 2003
Dear Diary -- I got the holiday off to a good start Thursday by pickin my 1st 6 military tribunal captives. It was real hard ta choose & I still don't understand why I could only pick 6. Still, it was almost as cool as denyin death penalty reprieves.
Sayin that line makes me feel all tingly & ... uh ... never mind.
But I'm not supposeta say it anymore on accounta people are tryin ta link my taunts ta the latest gorilla attacks. Which aren't my fault cause I inherited the Iraq mess from Clinton. Just like I inherited the Mideast mess, the recession, Liberia, bin Laden, & a buncha other Clinton messes God's helpin me clean up.
Though I guess technically I inherited the Liberia mess from Lincoln.
Anyway, I never thought I'd say this, but I hate inheritances! Except the tax-free one I can't wait ta get from Poppy.
July 10, 2003
Dear Diary -- Visitin the nation of Africa is even worse than visitin old Europe! Just what I need ta be doin -- givin "slavery is bad-blah-blah-blah" speeches. And ridin on a road named after Clinton.
Besides, it just isn't safe here -- the minute I'm back in DC, I'm gettin checked out fer AIDS!
Plus Karl said that if they fessed up ta the Niger nonsense while I was away, I wouldn't have ta deal with it or answer any pesty questions. Well that worked real well!
And mosta the so-called leaders here don't know the meanin a gratitude! As fer Mandela -- not only did he diss me on Iraq, but the coward skipped town ta avoid meetin me. Like he woulda been so lucky! I sure hope he doesn't hold his breath fer a ranch invite.
Which reminds me -- New Zealand isn't gettin a ranch invite neither -- not till they get rid a that White House brothel.
But gettin back ta this damned trip, Karl & Dick swore it'd be worth my while. But there has got ta be a better way ta way ta get my hands on their oil & buy black votes.
And if I hear one word bout how much they like Bill Clinton here, I may have ta pull a Poppy & throw up. I guess they're suckers fer someone who'll waste 2 days on a safari. An hour's more then enuff fer me!
Which reminds me -- I hear some 9/11 committee wants ta question Clinton & me. Well, they can have a good time botherin Clinton, if he's stupid enuff ta do it. But nobody gets ta question or 2nd guess me! Except maybe God.
July 15, 2003
Dear Diary -- I'm finally back from Africa. What a shameless nation -- they even watch elephants havin sex. No wonder Bill Clinton's so popular there!
It sure seemed like ta me that everywhere I looked, there was roads & hotel rooms named after him. Just as well, I suppose. Cause not over my dead body will anything be named after him here.
Anyway, other than pansy Tenet takin the fall fer my SOTU speech, things are goin downhill fast. My polls are approachin toilet territory, Ari left me yesterday, & I'm a little bit worried about Scott. Cause he doesn't lie nearly as good as Ari. Plus some press types wrote that Scott's responsive ta the needs a reporters. What the hell's up with that?
Plus people are makin a big deal just cause soldiers die in Iraq from time ta time. I don't know what they want from me -- I never said it'd be a yellowcakewalk.
July 19, 2003
Dear Diary -- My press conference with Blair went okay, I guess, considerin that I was stuck stickin ta the script. But they said that after what happened Monday, from now on I can't make stuff up unless it's preapproved in advance.
Of course, I hate it when Tony & me give speeches back ta back. Cause he always makes me look bad. Must be the accent!
Blair wouldn't stop naggin me about those damn Brit criminals. I just don't understand why he's makin such a big deal about evil-doers. Besides, the guy's got much more serious stuff ta worry about -- like that dead mole.
But anyway, I did him a big-time favor and stopped the persecution till we can pow-wow & figure out what ta do with em. I'm not sure why I went along with it, especially since I'm still mad at him fer givin me such a lousy gift. I mean, a a toiletry bag? That guy's lucky I didn't squeeze our favorite toothpaste inta his soup!
Laura says Tony probably cheaped out with the gift on accounta he's mad that I attacked Iraq before he was expectin me ta. But what's a coupla days between friends?
Everyone's real excited about the new write to President Bush email system. I'm not sure why -- it's not like anyone ever reads that stuff. Public email is almost as boring as intelligence reports.
July 26, 2003
Dear Diary -- Bill Clinton defended my Niger SOTU thing the other day, and now I'm all confused. Does that mean he isn't as evil as I thought he was? Can't be!
Karl says it just means that Hillary wants ta run fer Prez in '08 ... or was it '04? I couldn't really follow what he was sayin. But Karl's the Boy Genius, so I guess he must be right.
And speakin a geniuses, lotsa people think I should fire Condy Rice. But I hate ta do it cause she's my favorite foreign affairs tutor. Plus Condy's got a great set a ... uhm ... legs.
Dick says ta wait & see if all this blows over like everything else has, before decidin on Condy. And that the main thing is him & me have got ta be protected! No argument there!
But he also says that if I tease him once more bout his fund raisin speech screwups -- two times referrin ta Omaha Congressman Lee Terry as "Terry Lee" -- he'll only protect himself.
July 29, 2003
Dear Diary -- Yesterday was "pretend I care about blacks" day, so I spoke ta the Urban League. And it was extra annoyin cause I couldn't do a lotta my regular stump speech. Like if I talked about cuttin spendin, Karl said I'd probably get lynched.
So instead, I gave em some line about "not tirin till we've extended the great promise of America to every neighborhood in America." Kinda like "Leave No Neighborhood Behind," but way longer.
After my speech I met with Rep. Cummings & that awful Jesse Jackson. Then I got the hell outta there, before the guys tryin ta steal my job could show up.
Which reminds me -- Lieberman's been runnin around tellin people I'm givin a just war a bad name. He even did it on yesterday's Today Show. But Karl says not ta worry about it. When we're through with Lieberman, he'll be lucky ta get on the History Channel.
July 31, 2003
Dear Diary -- Next time the liberal press'll think twice before pesterin me fer a press conference. Cause I sprung one on em Wednesday, and I was fabulous! Those reporters were on the hunt, but they sure as hell didn't have me on the run!
When they asked if I'd take responsibility fer those SOTU speech words, I pretended ta give em what they wanted -- some throw-away line about me takin responsibility fer everything I do. And just like Karl predicted, they fell fer it. They gave me just the headlines & coverage I needed ta make this nonsense bout lyin go away in time fer a long relaxin vacation.
But no matter what I said, I still don't give a damn what the CIA thinks about the Niger thing. Or what those Dems pantin ta get inta my Oval Office think. Cause God blessed my speech & everything else I say or do. And the truth about Saddam'll come out -- even if I have ta put it there.
The press also fell fer my optimistic act, sayin I was upbeat and believed that the stuff I've done will make the economy turn around. Of course I'm upbeat -- I've got a month at the ranch ta look forward ta. Plus so much dinero in my reelection till, it doesn't matter what happens with the economy. Those Dems are wastin their time!
Ashy, who just loves ta find fault, says I confused some Bible reference when I was remindin people that homos are sinners and that I stand fer good stuff like marriage. I guess I shoulda known that logs are too big ta get stuck in an eye. But it wasn't my fault -- I was busy thinkin about clearin brush.
Anyway, like I said at the press conference, I'm a results kinda guy & I'm makin the country more secure. Plus the economy'll get better if Congress does what I tell em ta.
And I won't rest till people have got jobs. As long as it doesn't interfere with my vacations!