It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I know you’ve been naughty, not nice,
By indulging your energy vice.
My traditional role
Is to leave you some coal,
But you’d burn it and there goes the ice.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHOPPING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
On Black Friday they heeded the call
To Go Buy! They jammed in, wall-to-wall.
Trampling, mayhem and fights
Are the ample delights
Of tradition: The Great Shopping Maul.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Suzanne Heymann, Jeanine Silverio, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Linda Ann Nickerson, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“ICE” RHYME DIVISION)
The new skating rink blueprints are nice,
But they carry a very high price.
Funding’s frozen and they
Say expect a delay,
So the architect’s put it on ice.
An Eskimo asked, “What advice
Would you give me to help me entice
A woman in Gnome
To come into my home?”
I said, “You must first break the ice.”
If your wife asks for helpful advice
About jeans she’s just purchased, think twice.
“Do they make me look fat?”
“Only slightly.” Then, splat!
Now I’m soothing my eye with some ice.
I once had a head full of lice,
And a friend said, “Just freeze ’em with ice.
Simply stick your whole head
On the Knik River bed.”
Now I’m buried and dead. (Great advice!)
Jeanine Jamero Silverio:
For you couples all looking to spice
Up your love life, well here’s some advice:
Think your wife’s down to earth
And cares not for net worth?
She’ll get hot for two carats of ice.
My mail-order bride wasn’t nice.
Said my legerdemain was a vice,
And magicians are lame,
So I’m hardly to blame
For turning the bitch into ICE.
A plumber tried breaking the ice
With the lady next door. She was nice,
And she made her needs plain.
So he snaked out her drain.
She was thoroughly satisfied. Twice.
A mob boss named Sugary Ned
Liked baked goods and one day he said,
“It would be very nice
If this cake got some ice!”
(And later the cake turned up dead.)
When you die, if you pay a high price
They avow they will put you on ice
And thaw you someday
The moment that they
Are able, so you can live twice.
But don’t bother, my friend. I will bet you
There’s little this process will net you,
For even if they
Could cure you someday
It’s more likely by far they’d forget you.
Linda Ann Nickerson:
My neighbor’s demeanor’s like ice.
He gives answers unkind, imprecise.
He’ll stop, stand, and stare
With nary a care,
And he won’t take his own bad advice.
When pigs fly, he’ll pick up his trash,
And he may even burn up his stash.
The scents from his deck
Bounce like a bad check,
So daily our teeth we do gnash.
And still, as he passes, I wave,
But hope he’ll go back in his cave.
He won’t be ignored,
For he’s head of the Board,
So all of us have to behave.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOPPING LIMERICK DIVISION)
The shop-lifting queen often gloats
Of the number of items she totes.
“I’m thin before thieving,
But fat when I’m leaving –-
Five sweaters, four skirts, and three coats.”
They ordered a fancy new phone
Delivered by Amazon drone.
The service was fast,
But left them aghast;
Their chimney’s a dropping-off zone.
Have you ever seen some woman shopping,
While her man tags along with store-hopping?
He’s there holding her bags,
While she tries on new rags.
On and on he just lags without stopping!
How about, at the end of the day,
She should let him just have his own way;
He will tell her, “I dare
You to put on and wear
Just your birthday suit there on display!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
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