Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PENNED or DEPEND or EXPEND at the end of any one line

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PENNED or DEPEND or EXPEND at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to IMPATIENCE, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best IMPATIENCE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on February 4, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 3, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my “penned” limerick:

“My regrets, but I can not attend,”
Reads each answer, both emailed and penned.
Not one guest for my bash!
So my dream turns to ash.
Will this nightmare of mine never end?

And here’s my impatience-themed limerick:

As I wait and I wait and I wait,
I am thrust beyond merely irate.
what is taking so long?
Did my muse smoke a bong?
Seems a punchline-less lim’rick’s my fate.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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99 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PENNED or DEPEND or EXPEND at the end of any one line”

  1. Sharon Neeman says:

    “He’s a writer,” you say of your… “friend” —
    But what has he actually penned?
    You clothe him and feed him
    And think that you need him.
    He’s mooching! Wise up! Make it end!

  2. Sharon Neeman says:

    You buttonhole me in the queue
    And boast of the wonders of you —
    But frankly, my dear,
    I’m in no mood to hear,
    For I’m dying to go to the loo.

  3. Since The Donald’s been wearing Depends,
    the fun in his pants never ends:
    hookers slide down his pole
    to his runny a$$hole,
    but his mouth is what really offends!

  4. Sharon Neeman says:

    When the temps are so cold they’re off-chart
    And I’m late ’cause the damn car won’t start,
    And still later — and miffed —
    ‘Cause my kid needs a lift…
    Did you have to pick NOW, kid, to fart?

  5. brian allgar says:

    Trump’s doctor had tried to pretend;
    “Heart – sound as a bell”, he had penned,
    But omitted, from tact,
    “… as a bell that is cracked,
    And he’s mentally quite round the bend.”

  6. brian allgar says:

    Said Trump, “Folks, we have to suspend
    All your salaries, but I contend
    That although it’s a shame,
    Obama’s to blame –
    It’s always his fault in the end.”

  7. brian allgar says:

    “All that effort I’ve had to expend,”
    Said the Donald, “In order to send
    This great country to hell!
    It’s a shithole, but, well,
    I did it for Vlad, a good friend.”

  8. brian allgar says:

    “How much will I need to expend?”
    “Well, honey, the price will depend,”
    Said the whore. “Does it fit?
    Should I swallow or spit?
    And above all, please tell me – which end?”

  9. Gary Henderson says:

    The Donald asked Stormy to bend,
    And elevate her ample rear end.
    “I’ll be happy to try,”
    The actress said with a sigh,
    “Once you take off that yellow Depend.”

  10. brian allgar says:

    The voters impatiently wait
    For their country again to be great.
    But despite what Trump said,
    It’s a shithole instead –
    If you vote for shit, shit is your fate.

  11. Kirk Miller says:

    Read a book Chubby Checker had penned,
    Recommended to me by a friend.
    It’s a mystery, so
    I suppose you should know
    That the book has a twist at the end.

  12. Lisi Nortman says:

    IMPATIENCE

    “All your “fix-ups” have only been gay
    Which to some is ideally okay
    But you can’t stand to wait
    For your next blind date
    Stick around, girl: this guy is straight”

  13. Lisi Nortman says:

    YEARS OF LIMERICKS, OY

    “You’re too impatient, he said
    “Just take your time instead!
    Use your brain
    Please don’t go insane
    And maybe you’ll win when you’re dead”

  14. Judith H Block says:

    I’ve learned that I cannot depend
    On anyone to comprehend
    All the sadness I feel;
    It will take time to heal.
    They nod but it’s all just pretend.

  15. Judith H Block says:

    He eats the McDonald’s junk foods,
    Drinks Diet Cokes,, affects his moods.
    Where’s the massive heart attack?
    Have another French fries snack!
    Excite him with with hot porn star nudes.

  16. Judith H Block says:

    I’m impatient for winter to end,
    So much energy we must expend
    Bundled up for the cold.
    I’m a sight to behold!
    Spend less time outdoors than I intend.

  17. Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly says:

    When it comes to poetic ekphrasis,
    Your work should be read by the masses.
    And let me append
    That I fully intend
    To attend when you start giving classes.

  18. Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly says:

    Hmm…not sure if ‘work’ should be pluralized. ?

    ***

    From MBK I changed it to work.
    Fun limerick, but where’s the designated rhyme word? Perhaps change amend to append?

  19. brian allgar says:

    IMPATIENCE

    The bimbo is starting to cuss.
    “Will this guy ever come? What a wuss!”
    Though this sounds rather rude,
    No, she’s not being screwed –
    She’s just waiting in vain for the bus.

  20. Lisi Nortman says:

    FIFTY SHADES OF LIMERICKS

    E.L James painstakingly penned
    A book that unfortunately did offend
    But we seniors forgot
    How to do the trot
    So now we know which way to bend

  21. David Reddekopp says:

    They’re taking their time, and I worry
    Whose favor do I have to curry?
    I would hate to be late
    For my date – I can’t wait!
    O God, grant me patience, but hurry!

  22. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Donald can sadly depend
    On “No Trumpers” who strongly contend:
    He’s a total slob
    Who’s not fit for the job
    So please let this nightmare end

  23. Lisi Nortman says:

    A gal should always depend
    On orgasms that aren’t “pretend”
    So find a rich guy
    Scream out and cry
    And on you he will lavishly spend

  24. Lisi Nortman says:

    MAD PLEASE CHANGE:”THE DONALD CAN ALWAYS DEPEND” TO THE DONALD CAN SADLY DEPEND

    THANK YOU

    *****
    Done.

  25. Lisi Nortman says:

    No matter how much time I expend
    To study and comprehend
    The word of the week
    So I can be unique
    I still remain on the losing end

  26. Lisi Nortman says:

    NOT A DUPLICATE

    E.L. James painstakingly penned
    A book that did SADLY offend
    But we seniors forgot
    How to do the trot
    So now we know which way to bend

  27. Fred Bortz says:

    BREAKING NEWS FROM AN HOUR AGO:

    My state’s Supreme Court did suspend
    Congressional lines that offend.
    No more thirteen to five.
    A fair House will arrive.
    Gerrymandering is at an end.

  28. Lisi Nortman says:

    Every two weeks we can depend
    On praise for someone who has penned
    The perfect rhyme
    Which is so sublime
    That compared to the others, does transcend

  29. Lisi Nortman says:

    MAD THANK YOU FOR CHANGING MY “THE DONALD ” LIMERICK, HOWEVER THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD READ

    The Donald can ALWAYS sadly depend
    On “No Trumpers” who strongly contend:
    “He’s a total slob
    Who’s not fit for the job”
    So please let this nightmare QUICKLY end

  30. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad sorry to bother you, but can you change “On someone who has penned” to someone WHO’S penned

    Thank you (2 limericks up)

  31. Lisi Nortman says:

    My wife, Sue said I shouldn’t depend
    On sex when she has her friend
    She’s been out every night
    And comes home when it’s light
    This Claire must be quite a godsend

  32. Lisi Nortman says:

    Unfortunately you can always depend
    (And you’ve saved a lot so you can spend)
    On a sexy dress
    Hoping to “impress”
    But on prom night you will get your “friend”

  33. David Reddekopp says:

    So now that I’m older, I tend
    To lose my shit, out my rear end
    And since there’s a chance
    That I’ll poop in my pants
    That means on Depends I depend.

  34. Tim James says:

    If I thought I might want to expend
    Tons of cash on a porn star, I’d fend
    Off that notion tout de suite.
    By my wife I’d get beat,
    And on Twitter I’d doubtlessly trend.

  35. Lisi Nortman says:

    Writing a limerick will always depend
    On how willing you are to expend
    Time to think of a rhyme
    Just like this time
    But you must go bonkers till the very end

  36. Lisi Nortman says:

    OR ANOTHER VERSION WITH A SLIGHT CHANGE:

    Writing a limerick will always depend
    On how much time you are willing to SPEND
    To think of a rhyme
    Just like this time
    But you must go bonkers till the very end

  37. Lisi Nortman says:

    Kim Kardashian has aptly penned
    A book for which you’ll be willing to spend
    A lot of dough
    So you’ll be “in the know”
    It’s title is “Me And My Rear End”

  38. Lisi Nortman says:

    THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR A FORMER SCHOOL TEACHER TO TYPE
    “It’s ” WHEN IT SHOULD BE “Its”

    (shame on me)

  39. Tim James says:

    For the mafia doc things are bleak,
    And he’s now in a high state of pique.
    It’s the local D.A.’s
    That have caused this malaise:
    They’ve been trying his patients all week.

  40. There once was a poem which I penned
    on which it’s humor did depend
    on aughties reference
    with lame alt-rock preference
    and ain’t worth any time you’d expend.

  41. Lisi Nortman says:

    Your problems never seem to end
    But on some things you can depend:
    A bark and a lick
    And a new doggy trick
    From your spouse who’s gone off the deep end

  42. Sharon Neeman says:

    In this, the flu season from Hell,
    I can’t sleep, sing, stretch, swim, speak or smell —
    And I can’t wait till May
    Brings a warm, sunny day
    When I do all of those and feel well.

  43. Dave Johnson says:

    If you live a despicable life,
    There may be some moments of strife.
    Like when Trump’s special friend
    Snagged a check that was penned;
    We think he’s in dutch with the wife.

  44. Lisi Nortman says:

    This writer had brilliantly penned
    Verses which are praised without any end
    And you can be sure
    That in ‘Ole Baltimore
    He’ll be “their poet” no one can transcend

    (know who he is?)

  45. Lisi Nortman says:

    You’re so impatient on the grocery queue
    Knowing there’s not much you can do
    Your ice cream will melt
    You’ve spent so much gelt
    To make things worse, you have to go to the loo

  46. Sharon Neeman says:

    The silliest word ever penned
    Must be (as I see it) “unfriend.”
    Real friends won’t be dismissed
    Just because you get pissed;
    No, indeed — they stay true to the end.

  47. Lisi Nortman says:

    When you’re first married, everything’s fine
    You’re in “seventh heaven” It’s just so divine
    But then you lose your patience
    So you must state with complacence
    “My Darling, Dear: the toilet is mine”

  48. Dave Johnson says:

    He told her he had to expend
    Some “quality time” with a friend.
    Her answer was snide:
    “Were you staying inside,
    Then falling asleep in the end?”

  49. P Diane Schneider says:

    T’was a story that went round the bend
    Yes, a masterpiece he had penned
    First the black cat
    Then a vampire bat
    We feared it never would end

  50. Sally Franz says:

    Trump calls hookers his friends
    Will the trashy news never end?
    One is a stripper
    The next a pee dripper
    When will it dry up?
    That Depends.

  51. Lisi Nortman says:

    NOT A DUPLICATE (fewer syllables)

    When you’re first married, everything’s fine
    It’s wonderful and just so divine
    But then you lose your patience
    So you must state with complacence
    “My Darling, the toilet is mine !!

  52. Lisi Nortman says:

    If you throw your dog a stick
    Your patience will dwindle real quick
    So take heed, my friend
    It will NEVER end
    Till you want to kill that mutt with a brick

  53. Perry Plouff says:

    And so now I’m obliged to defend
    All the poems I never have penned.
    I can’t think of a rhyme
    For the rhyme word this time,
    So my rhyming is now at an end . . .

  54. Lisi Nortman says:

    You claim you’re a poet who’s penned
    Verses so that editors send
    You exquisite prizes
    In varying sizes
    From “Crayola Company, South Bend”

  55. Lisi Nortman says:

    Not a Duplicate

    This writer had brilliantly penned
    Verses that are praised “with no end”
    And you can be sure
    That in ‘Ole Baltimore
    He’ll be their “poet” no one can transcend

    (know who he is?)

  56. Dave Johnson says:

    “Get going!” he yells at the cars;
    “What’s taking so long?” in the bars.
    If the future was here,
    He’d probably sneer:
    “Too slow!” on a shuttle to Mars.

  57. Lisi Nortman says:

    Lately our sex life is “dead”
    She just does other things instead
    On that damn computer
    I’d like to shoot her
    While I wait impatiently in our bed

  58. Lisi Nortman says:

    THE ORDER OF WORDS !!

    Lately our sex life is “dead”
    She just does other things instead
    On that damn computer
    I’d like to shoot her
    While I IMPATIENTLY WAIT in our bed

  59. Lisi Nortman says:

    There’s too much “hype” in being a friend
    All that energy you must expend !!
    In the giving of gifts
    And those innumerable trips
    To the airport, that don’t seem to end

  60. Lisi Nortman says:

    I sit here and impatiently wait
    To think of a poem which is great
    But ’tis like Kismet
    My mind cannot visit
    A place that just isn’t my fate

  61. Lisi Nortman says:

    BROADWAY SHOW INTERMISSION IMPATIENCE

    I was desperate on the bathroom queue
    Trying to think of “what to do”
    It’s not nice to lie
    But I gave it a try
    And yelled, “PREGNANT”! ( and got right through)

  62. Dave Johnson says:

    This tailgater thought he could say:
    “Hey buddy, get outta my way!”
    My foot disagreed;
    An appropriate speed
    Is causing him further delay.

  63. brian allgar says:

    As November elections impend,
    I impatiently hope to attend
    An explosion of fat
    As the Donald goes Splat!
    And the nightmare will come to an end.

  64. brian allgar says:

    Lemme tell ya, we’re gonna amend
    That amendment (the First). We’ll append
    That “Free speech is denied
    To all those who lied
    About Me – all this Fake News must end!”

  65. Lisi Nortman says:

    MY LIMERICK GOT CUT OFF BY HALF !!!!???????

    Your problems never seem to end
    But on one thing you can always depend
    A bark and a lick
    And a new doggy trick
    From your spouse who’s gone off the deep end

  66. Lisi Nortman says:

    When I feel carefree, I tend to expend
    Energy to LAVISHLY spend
    On clothes and such
    (but a little too much)
    It’s not something I would recommend

  67. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad please change “Energy to go out and spend”
    to “Energy to LAVISHLY spend”
    Thank You

    (previous limerick)

    ***

    Done

  68. Lisi Nortman says:

    IMPATIENCE

    I impatiently wait for Mad’s “crown”
    If I win it, you won’t see me frown
    But I have ONE, you see
    Made exclusively for me
    ‘Cause I’m the biggest JAP in town

  69. Nate Levin says:

    Please don’t this great contest suspend!
    Your followers dearly depend
    On the chance to write verse
    (and in some ditties, curse)
    Re the sins of that *orange* non-friend.

  70. Jesse Levy says:

    Couldn’t think of a thing for “penned.”
    So I chose this not to attend.
    But I wrote this real quickly
    ‘Cause the contest is “sickly”
    Now please get off our rear end.

  71. Jesse Levy says:

    I hope that I didn’t offend
    By the short verse above that I penned
    But I find that sometimes
    I have no time for rhymes
    But the contest is fun. Don’t suspend!

  72. Lisi Nortman says:

    Now that I’m a “senior” I can’t expend
    Time to learn the latest trend
    I still rely
    On days gone by
    And remember sweethearts who were the “living end”

  73. Lisi Nortman says:

    IT’S ME AGAIN !!!!!

    This week I have penned
    A number of limericks no one can transcend
    I’m recovering, you see
    From a replaced left knee
    So I’ve got a hell of a lot of time to spend

  74. brian allgar says:

    Though the sanctions were passed, “I suspend
    Them!” said Donald. “Nyet! Vlad is my friend!
    Fake news that he owns me!
    Fake news that he bones me!”
    … While rubbing his painful rear end.

  75. Bob Killian says:

    Since we’re metrically picky we tend
    To eschew rhymers who might append
    Extra beats to the scheme –
    A rhythmic bad dream –
    So the poem just can’t be stupend. Ous.

  76. Lisi Nortman says:

    ANOTHER TIP FOR THE LADIES (OR GENTS)

    You’re so impatient on the bathroom queue
    Trying to think of “what to do”
    It’s not nice to lie
    But give this a try:
    Yell, “I’M GONNA VOMIT” and you’ll get right through

  77. Such ditties before bedtime so hastily penned
    On nothing more than words depend
    A translator colleague made a request
    That I do my very level best
    To state the diff. between income and expend.

  78. Tim James says:

    She yearns to be sexy and sly.
    A new car ― would that help snag a guy?
    I guess that will depend
    On the money she’ll spend.
    In her Yugo her fail rate is high.

  79. Jim says:

    Malingerer, she was my friend
    But ill too often she’d pretend
    Headache she’d bellyache
    Pain in the butt my ache
    Saved for other our love expend
    .

  80. Mike Rosson says:

    Oh, it seems he POTUS loves to offend
    and his followers love to defend
    but whether they bicker
    or whether they snicker,
    There will be a twittering trend.

  81. Mike Moulton says:

    Donald Trump, from the tweets that you’ve penned
    It’s clear you think Putin’s our friend
    When he hacked our election,
    He got an erection,
    And we all get screwed in the end.

  82. Titia Schuurman says:

    Once on a young man from South Bend
    in vain I my love did expend.
    As a literary ointment
    for romantic disappointment,
    full many a limerick I’ve penned.

  83. Dave Johnson says:

    She can’t wait; her roll’s Aphrodite’s;
    The movie is called “Stormy Nighties”.
    Her undisclosed lover
    Is there under cover,
    In plump, hump-a-schlump tighty-whities.

  84. Dave Johnson says:

    In the Oregon city of Bend,
    Most often, you’ll likely expend
    Your day out of doors;
    No shopping mall floors,
    But fine local brew at the end.

  85. scott says:

    They know they can never defend,
    So now they will try to upend,
    And all we need know,
    About the memo,
    Is look at by whom it was penned.

    impatience;
    When Scott got his very first chance,
    At more than a little romance,
    He undressed his date,
    Yet he couldn’t wait,
    And made quite a mess in his pants.

  86. Old Omar Khayyam would oft depend
    On wine and singers and song sans end
    What nonsense, said he,
    It’s plain to see
    To such depths I would never descend.

  87. Dave Johnson says:

    Some boomers may need to amend
    Their lifestyles in order to fend
    Off ailments and ills
    With various pills;
    On others, they’ll have to Depend.

  88. Sharon Neeman says:

    BFFs since college, at 80:

    Annie wrote: “How I miss you, my friend!
    But alas, I am still on the mend
    And can’t drive — I get dizzy —
    And Sonny’s too busy.
    It’s hard when you have to depend.”

    I’m still driving, retired and free;
    I’ll go there, if she can’t come to me!
    — Damn, I’m aching to go,
    But does anyone know
    Where the hell are my purse and my key?

  89. Diane Groothuis says:

    Soon I’m obliged to attend
    The nuptials of an old friend
    Who was swept off her feet
    By a lover so sweet
    Who threw her in at the deep end.

  90. Lisi Nortman says:

    A ring in your nose will depend
    On a look that’s meant to intend:
    If it’s blue, wear a gray shoe
    And if gold, choose something bold
    Just don’t sneeze ‘comin round the bend

  91. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: please change “And if gold WEAR SOMETHING bold
    to And if gold, CHOOSE something bold

    Thank you

    ***
    Done;

  92. Dave Johnson says:

    “It’s taking too long” we all say;
    “Please hurry” we’ll plead every day.
    Believing as one
    When it’s over and done,
    Bob Mueller will haul him away.

  93. Jane Hoffman says:

    Blindfolded, Greg thought he’d just pinned
    The tail on the donkey’s back end.
    But he heard a loud cry
    And peeked with one eye
    It was stuck on the rear of his friend!!!!!

  94. Lisi Nortman says:

    SUPERBOWL !!!!!

    I impatiently wait for the name
    Of the team we will all acclaim
    My wife asked if it’s “right”
    To serve chips on this night
    When” Micky Mantle reaches fortune and fame”

  95. Lisi Nortman says:

    I think it’s MickEY but you get the idea

  96. Lisi Nortman says:

    SUPERBOWL IMPATIENCE FOR THE LADIES

    I’ve made an onion soup dipper
    (Our spouses become so damn “chipper”)
    But we gals just can’t wait
    Till half past eight
    So we’ve hired a real cool male stripper

  97. Lisi Nortman says:

    NOT A DUPLICATE

    I’ve made an onion soup dipper
    For the crowd who gets (so god-damn) “chipper”
    But we gals just can’t wait
    Till half past eight
    So I’VE hired a real cool male stripper

  98. Lisi Nortman says:

    This writer so brilliantly penned
    A movie with a memorable end
    The acting was great
    And definitely first -rate
    She traveled a ROAD with many a friend

    What movie is this? Who is this writer?

  99. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is… Limerick-Off Award 291. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Rail.

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