Posts Tagged ‘Steve Whitred’

Limerick of the Week (141)

Sunday, November 24th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

If you’re tired at the wheel, I suggest
That you stop at a trooper’s behest.
And if ordered to nap,
Don’t refuse, because . . . zap!
You’ll be tased for resisting a rest.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

I know I just said, not in jest,
That I planned to give lim’ricks a rest,
But that promise won’t mute me:
I’m back! OK, shoot me—
I’m wearing my bullet-proof vest.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) John Lawrence Ramos, Brenda Bryant a/k/a Rinkly Rimes, Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred, Johanna Richmond, and Craig Dykstra. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

John Lawrence Ramos:

At the diner, a man would ingest
His romaine without pants, shirt or vest;
When the waitress looked pained,
He politely explained
He preferred his green salad undressed.

Brenda Bryant:

A woman was speaking in jest
When she said, “All my sins are confessed.”
She’d forgotten a few.
That’s what girls tend to do
When their past simply can’t pass the test.

Chris Doyle:

A beekeeper tells me in jest
That he plans, when he’s laid to his rest,
To give all that he owns
To his Queen and her drones,
Thus completing his final bee-quest.

Steve Whitred:

I once knew a girl who’d suggest
She was better in bed than the rest.
I said “Don’t mean to boast,
But I’m better than most.
We should challenge ourselves to a test!”

Johanna Richmond:

Don’t you hate it when folks say,”I jest!”
After putting your pride to the test?
Hell, “I Jest!” just won’t do
When “How was it for you?”
Is rejoined by “You looked better dressed!”

Craig:

My gal went out joggin’ but jest
Wasn’t close to approprit’ly dressed.
Guys would run along side her
As soon as they spied her—
‘Cause her top failed at keepin’ abreast.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (138)

Sunday, November 3rd, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Ah’m a-huntin’ for deer in my truck,
But this air rifle’s brung me no luck.
Grab a shotgun instead,
Shoot a twelve-pointer dead.
Get a little more bang for my buck.

Congratulations to Bruce Niedt, who wins the Special Halloween-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“A Halloween full moon is neat,”
Thought the werewolf, “I’ll go trick-or-treat!
They’ll think it’s a mask,
So they won’t even ask–
I’ll come home with a bag full of meat!”

Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

She hired Two Men And A Truck
When her marriage had run all amok.
As they set up her bed,
To the movers she said,
“Would you under the covers me…tuck?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Jamie Hutchinson, Steve Whitred, Chris Doyle, John Ramos, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, and Craig Dykstra. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Will T. Laughlin:

The immigrant hid in a truck
And over the border he snuck,
Lured by promise of wealth
And good care for his health.
You guessed it. He’s now a Canuck.

Jamie Hutchinson:

A croc said that she’d have no truck
With a toothless old muckety-muck:
“When the waterfowl light
And the time’s right to bite
A good bull puts his rows in a duck.”

Steve Whitred:

Being born in the back of a truck
Up in Canada isn’t bad luck:
In the fall they haul hay.
In the snow, they’re our sleigh.
And in summertime that’s where we … (I’m not writing that word on Mad’s blog.)

Chris Doyle:

“Try the brownies out back in my truck.
They’re the bomb; you’ve no need for Cold Duck,”
Said the host with a wink
To a gal with a drink.
“There’s a reason this party’s potluck.”

John Ramos:

A positive thinker named Steve
Stalked his victims on All Hallows’ Eve;
“To you, it’s an ax,”
He explained between whacks,
“But to me, it’s a goal to achieve.”

Kathy El-Assal:

For Halloween, at her new school,
Should she dress as a zombie or ghoul?
A vampire, a ghost?
Or maybe just boast,
“I’m Coultergeist, Tea Party tool!”

Kirk Miller:

“Anonymous writers don’t like
The wages they’re offered,” said Mike.
“If they don’t get more green,
Then on this Halloween
The ghost writers threaten to strike.”

Craig Dykstra:

I got cookies from guys dressed like genies,
And some Snickers® from girls in bikinis.
But I didn’t want food
From that politics dude–
Carlos Danger was handing out weenies.

Kirk Miller:

I’m spreading the Halloween news
Concerning which party to choose.
Mine’s bound to be dandy
With free food and candy,
But people should bring their own boos.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (135)

Sunday, October 13th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In the Marrakech souk, a trained snake
Emerged from his basket, awake.
The snake charmer rose
And offered to pose.
“No fangs!” said the visiting sheik.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra who, in a tie with HIMSELF, wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for these TWO limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

She swerved sharply, avoiding a snake,
And her car ended up in the lake.
To the man at the shop,
Said “The damn thing won’t stop –
If you would, sir, please give me a brake.”

and

The guest had a very large snake
And was feeding it pieces of cake.
But the host said, “Ya know
It seems in-apropos
To be bringing your pet to a wake.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats, Phyllis LaVietes, Robert Basler, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats:

A woman encountered a snake
And cooed to it, offering cake:
“Your pattern is stunning,
I find you quite cunning.”
Six people attended her wake.

Phyllis LaVietes:

A woman encountered a snake
Which offered her chocolate cake.
“Forbidden! My diet!”
She said, “Or I’d try it.”
Eve’s making no Eden mistake.

Robert Basler:

A woman encountered a snake
In some batter she started to bake.
She gasped, and said, “Whoa!
“I’m baking a boa!
“Prepare to be hugged by a cake!”

Steve Whitred:

A woman encountered a snake,
So a soup she decided to make.
Met a croc, made a stew,
Now her boyfriend’s untrue,
And she’s thinking a brisket she’ll bake.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (134)

Sunday, October 6th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A drive-in’s a marvelous place:
Lots of privacy, plenty of space.
Just forget what’s on-screen
And create your own scene.
If you’re lucky, you’ll touch every base.

Congratulations to Colleen Murphy and Steve Whitred, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award:

Colleen Murphy:

I finished in third to last place
In a fifteen kilometer race.
Of the two folks I beat
There was one with club feet
And the other, his leg in a brace.

Steve Whitred:

They think home is the “weaker sex” place,
And they won’t address issues of race.
If there’s one thing they dread,
It’s two men in a bed.
Say “hello” to the GOP base.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, and Jane Shelton Hoffman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

The young private at “Mae’s Happy Place”
Saw the pitying look on her face.
“Well it’s clear,” said the whore,
“You’ve not done this before,
Because soldier, you’re way, way off base.”

Fred Bortz:

Mr. Speaker, it’s time to replace
Your obstructionist stance with some grace.
Obamacare’s law.
Your bill sticks in my craw,
And it’s time now to cut to the chase.

A blackmail approach has no place
And your Tea Party wing’s a disgrace.
Fund the government’s work,
Pay our bills — we can’t shirk
Or our country will lose more than face.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A woman had just lost her place
In line to a big girl named Grace.
Grace elbowed her side
“Move over!” she cried.
“Or else I’ll have to pee in a vase!”

Craig Dykstra:

From the bar, we went back to my place
Where a secretive look crossed her face.
Well it turned out that “she”
Was more well hung than me.
That’s an image I’d like to erase.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (133)

Sunday, September 29th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

As she gathered the sheets in a wrap,
A lover spoke true to her chap:
“Your performance? — no cause
For thund’rous applause.
But it’s likely I gave you the clap.”

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A Sapphic was trying to wrap
A toy to be worn with a strap.
Then she wrote on the label:
“My dear darling Mabel,
D’ya wanna pretend you’re a chap?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Diane Groothuis, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

The thief saw her fine ermine wrap
And her neckline that plunged to her lap.
Twixt her breasts was some bling,
But the thing was a sting;
He got caught in the ol’ booby-trap.

Diane Groothuis:

When the goy in the shul wore a wrap
And a blue and white yarmulke (cap),
Rabbi said in surprise,
“That is just a disguise.
Your book’s upside down my dear chap.”

Colleen Murphy:

Before you try learning to rap,
You should test out your skills with the snap.
If you can’t hold a beat
With your fingers or feet,
Then it’s likely the same with your yap.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A gal in an elegant wrap
Woke up from a 20-year nap.
She turned on the news
And shouted out: “Who’s
This White House mahogany chap?”

Patrice of the ManyCats:

She lunged for his knuckles: rap, rap!
“You know I won’t take any crap
When I’m your mean teacher!
You wanna play preacher?”
They grinned, then she sat on his lap.

Diane Groothuis:

Miss Muffett was eating a wrap
While sitting on Jack Horner’s lap.
She had finished two thirds
And gave some to the birds,
But to Jack said “No whey you poor sap.”

Tim James:

A guy used aluminum wrap
Tightly set on his head as a cap.
And just why’s that the case?
It blocks mind beams from space.
(His campaign to be Prez is on tap.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (128)

Sunday, August 25th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Scott Crowder, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The pressure was taking its toll.
I had neither a bong, nor a bowl,
And was sick to my heart
When my joint fell apart.
Regrettably, that’s how I roll.

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The golf course had taken its toll
On a fellow whose lover was droll:
“You missed every green
And got drunk on nineteen.
Now you’ve bogeyed the twentieth hole.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Tim James, and Colleen Murphy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Steve Whitred:

Swimming circles was taking its toll,
Round and round in the same silly bowl.
She had only one wish:
To escape from her dish.
What she had was a clear bold fish goal.

David Lefkovits:

The Koreans may put in a toll
On the highway from Pyongyang to Seoul.
If the south side you’re on,
You could pay it in won;
In the north you can barter with coal.

Tim James:

There are some things I just have to thole:
When Mad’s rhyme words imbue me with dole.
(To decode: I must bear
Awful grief and despair.
Pompous speech here’s my primary goal.)

Colleen Murphy:

Too much smoking and sun take a toll.
Ask my girlfriend from Queens, bless her soul.
She was born a real cutie,
Turned into a beauty,
And now she resembles a troll.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (127)

Sunday, August 18th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

When asked why he dated a pair,
The bowler said “Don’t be a square:
My sex drive’s too much
For one girl so, as such,
I will frequently pick up a spare.”

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

When my eagle-eyed kid spied a pair
Of “bunny” ears high in the air,
I commended her keenness
But doubted the genus:
“It’s Chicago —- that must be a hare.”

Congratulations to Mark Kane, Sue Dulley, and Steve Whitred, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Mark Kane:

A Bartlett and Bosc, what a pair
Of pears for your pie, if you dare?
Or instead, bake a tart.
Enter both if you’re smart,
As your fare for this year’s country fair.

Sue Dulley:

If you’re baking a pie using pear
To compete in your county Fall Fair,
Bake another to eat
Just to check that it’s sweet,
And a third one – you may wish to share.

Steve Whitred:

To be fair to Mark, pies made with pear
Are a waste if they’re just made to share:
Mad’s averse to pies based
On their texture and taste,
As she’ll swear to all yet unaware.

Sue Dulley:

If our Mark baked a spare filled with pear
Or apple or peach, just to share,
And Mad wouldn’t bite,
It might still be all right—
Friends would flock to their flat for such fare.

Mark Kane:

Did they come for the laughs or the pear?
As they eat, it is clear what we share.
When I run out of pie,
And they leave, I’ll know why:
It’s not me but the fare. That’s not fair!

But one stays, and look at her pair!
I’m grinning, but try not to stare.
She puts down her plate,
And she soon seals my fate,
By getting us both very bare.

(Note from Mad Kane: For anyone suspecting marital bias in Mark’s getting this award, I gave him one, not because we’re married, but in spite of it.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Cyn, Kevin Ahern, Ira Bloom, Kirk Miller, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Steve Whitred, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sue Dulley:

A woman was trying to pare
Her collection of dresses to wear,
For since she’s retired
They won’t be required
(Unless she begins an affair.)

Cyn:

A fellow who tried to repair
A couch that had seen too much wear
Got the job done so wrong
That he claimed, “All along
I was planning to make it a chair.”

Kevin Ahern:

On my trip to Helsinki — despair!
This story I’ve told everywhere:
Our luggage was lost
At a terrible cost.
It vanished right into Finn Air.

Ira Bloom:

A fellow who needed a pair,
(His had shrunk, in his wife’s angry glare!)
Was resolved to save face,
And put her in her place,
In his mind. But out loud? Au contraire.

Kirk Miller:

“The national budget I’ll pare,”
Said Dubya, who used lots of flair.
“It makes lots of sense
To cut our defense.
Change the Pentagon into a square!”

Jane Shelton Hoffmann:

A fellow had ordered a pair
Of women to come to his lair:
One blonde, one brunette,
But he seemed to forget
‘Twas a weekend his kids would be there.

Steve Whitred:

Forlornly she fondled his pair.
Then she said with her eyes all a-glare,
“In light of the linkage
Of old age to shrinkage,
I’ll bet that you color your hair.”

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A fastidious English au pair
With a family who lived in Bel Air
Told the handyman, Paul,
That his tool was too small:
“In love,” she said, “awl is not fair.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (125)

Sunday, August 4th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Neal Pattison, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

A heel and a ho tried to hie,
But fell in a hole by and by.
The heel dug with a hoe.
The ho climbed heel-and-toe,
And soon they were both high and dry.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes:”

The first time I ever got high
My limerick skills went awry.
My opening rhyme
Seemed OK at the time
But then, like, dude … I was all … whoa …

Congratulations to Fred Bortz and Will T. Laughlin, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Fred Bortz:

The goy in the shul would say “Hi,”
No matter how hard he would try.
He struggled no doubt,
But no “ch” would come out.
For “L’chaim” his throat was too dry.

Will T. Laughlin:

Unless he’s a Scot, I defy ‘im
To manage the ח in: לְחַיִים –
Plus, I’m willing to bet
That the goy’s name is “Chet”
Which explains why the lesson goes by ‘im.

On the other hand (that is, right-to-left)…

hgih si noisufnoc ,miyog su roF
…yrt a werbeH evig ot og ew nehW
,*eh* decnuonorp s’”ehs” roF
,*em* si “ohw” ,*ohw* si “eH”
!*ianoda* decnuonorp s’HVHY dnA

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Puzzle Award, occasionally given to a very clever puzzle in limerick form:

If you hike on a hill and aren’t high
You might give my new puzzle a try,
And for those who don’t walk
Well, you still needn’t balk
On your lateral skills you’ll rely.

From the base of the hill ‘till you’re high
It’s a day trip. I mean to imply
If you start off at 8
You can vary your gait
And reach summit as ev’ning is nigh.

From the camp that you make, up on high
You’ll return the next day, (don’t ask why)
Down the same path you used
So you shan’t be confused
Leave at 8, don’t be late, do or die.

Back at base, the sun’s no longer high.
Now, for bluster and bragging rights vie.
Take a pencil or pen
All you women and men.
Here’s the question I want you to try:

Is the likelihood mid, low, or high
On your trips up and down, bye and bye
You were at the same place
Though you varied your pace
At the same time, on climb and reply.

Since the difficult rating is high
And to show I don’t mean to be sly
“Is it likely or not
You stood on the same spot
On both day’s at Time X and Place Y?”

And congratulations to the two people who managed to solve Steve’s puzzle. Craig Dykstra solved it first, soon followed by Sue Dulley. Here’s Craig’s solution:

To Steve Whitred, I wave and say “Hi.”
And applaud this most challenging guy.
But the answer is clear
And I’ll spell it out here
In the hopes you will understand why.

Steve asked if it’s low, mid or high.
How likely it was that this guy
Would pass the same rock
The same time on the clock
As the previous day he walked by.

The answer is “pretty damn high.”
It’s 100%, and here’s why:
Instead of one man
Let’s use two, Dan and Stan
To identical rules they comply.

At eight, Dan starts low, Stan starts high.
To the other end both guys will fly.
At exactly one place
They must meet face to face
Unless they can logic defy.

So unless you’re exceedingly high,
You can see that both hikes by ONE guy
Must cross the same way
But just off by one day –
Now my work here is done, so good bye.

And here’s Sue’s solution:

The day I hike down from up high
My twin who’s as sluggish as I
Will, at the same time,
Duplicate my ‘up’ climb –
We’ll meet somewhere, at some time, oh my.

The one place, not terribly high
Where we meet on the trail, on the fly,
Determines in space
The one “same-time-same-place”
That Steve’s asking about – would I lie?

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Sue Dulley, Kevin Ahern, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

My five-year old tried to say hi
To a man in a suit and a tie.
When the stuck-up man shunned him
He Taser gun stunned him.
He’s grounded, but what a good-bye!

Sue Dulley:

I knew it was priced way too high,
This silk that I just had to buy.
Cloth collecting’s my sin,
I know I can’t win,
Just hope it ends up in a tie.

Kevin Ahern:

A frog looking up at things high
Thinks the time for philosophy nigh.
His attitude smug,
He’d just caught a bug
And says, “Times fun when you’re having fly.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A prostitute always said, “Hi!”
When trying to pick up a guy.
They thought her so nice,
But SHE meant her price,
So most of the men said, Bye, bye.”

Steve Whitred:

The pirates were all pretty high
When the one with the patch went awry.
He had heard the command
To “deliver and stand”
But acknowledged with only one “aye.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (121)

Sunday, July 7th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

You could plead, if you sat on the board
Of GM or Chrysler or Ford,
That they set as their bar
A dependable car,
But you never would reach an Accord.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

As a bride, Mrs Milton was bored.
To her dear husband John she implored:
“You wrote Paradise Lost.”
Then her legs she uncrossed.
“Now find paradise yet unexplored.”

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, sometimes given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

One day, when King Alfred was bored,
He put down his scepter and sword.
Forthwith the King called
To Bard Bertram the Bald:
“Soothe my soul with a comforting chord!”

The Bard began singing his song,
And the comforted King hummed along…
‘Til a jealous vizier
Whispered into his ear,
“Oh, Your Majesty! Something is wrong!”

“A rumor I’ve heard — a humdinger –
Says that Bertram is really a ringer!”
He continued, “I’ve heard
In his beard is a bird,
And the bird (not the Bard) is the singer!”

Cried King Alfred, “How thoroughly weird…
A Bard with a bird in his beard!”
So he gave a command
To the men close at hand
That the Bard should be taken and sheared.

Poor Bertram. It soon came to pass
That they shaved his face smoother than glass.
But the story absurd
Of the bearded Bard’s bird
Was just so much chin-music, alas.

Once Bertram was shaven, the King
Knew he’d done a regrettable thing.
The King had been careless,
And Bertram (the Hairless)
Was never again heard to sing.

So here is the moral, milord:
It’s a lesson that can’t be ignored.
If your Bard has a bird
In his beard, mum’s the word…
Or you’ll end up eternally bored.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, Colleen Murphy, Ailsa McKillop, Sue Dulley, and Madeleine Sara Maddocks. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

The newlyweds never got bored.
The bride often found herself floored.
And sofa’d, and bedded,
And dining room setted,
And once got mahogany doored.

Fred Bortz:

He insists, “No, my dear, I’m not bored.
In fact, I would say that I scored.”
She replies, “I’ve concluded
You must be deluded.
In less than a minute, you snored.”

Will T. Laughlin:

One day, when Jehovah was bored,
Deep shit on his servant he poured.
Cried Job, in his pain,
“I don’t mean to complain,
But you need a new hobby, O Lord!”

Colleen Murphy:

The newlywed said he was bored.
His statement could not be ignored.
The fellow, in truth,
Had wed Dr. Ruth.
She preached what she could not accord.

Ailsa McKillop:

Oh, I was so heartily bored!
As each actor received their award,
Such thespian gush
Heard in reverent hush—
Take me now, if it pleases you, Lord!

Sue Dulley:

In England, “I’m bawd” means they’re bored,
And when the tea’s “pawed” it’s been poured.
They only say R’s
That aren’t there (Mar and Pa’s).
If you told them that’s flawed, they’d be floored.

Madeleine Maddocks:

A woman felt terribly bored
By each conquest she entered and scored.
On a scale one to ten,
She would judge all her men
With a zero for any who snored!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (120)

Saturday, June 29th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A peeping Venetian was fined,
So he hired a lawyer who whined:
“Your honor, that maid
Had adjusted her shade–
In effect, the Venetian was blind!”

Congratulations to Scott Crowder, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow was trying to find
Why bigots can be so unkind.
It doesn’t take glasses
To see those big asses
Are more than a little behind.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins a Limerick Saga Award:

Mr. Rencible came home to find
His wife and his best friend entwined–
Man’s Best Friend, I should say,
An enormous Shar-Pei–
And the sight of it troubled his mind.

“Please stop it,” cried poor Mr. Rencible;
“Bestiality’s quite indefensible.
Oh, why go to hell
For a sin you can’t spell?
My darling, it just isn’t sensible!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Ailsa McKillop, Steve Whitred,
Tim James, and Danielle Nowlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

I frequently wish I could find
The thoughts I have stored in my mind,
But when I hit play
Each thought’s gone away.
What I need is a stop and rewind.

Craig Dykstra:

“You got banned from the dance club and fined?
For tardiness? Why would they mind?”
“No, you misunderstand me–
I said that they banned me
For feeling a little behind.”

Ailsa McKillop:

A woman was thrilled with her find–
A skirt of pure silk, fully lined!
In the thrift shop—dirt cheap!
But oh, she could weep–
‘Twas unflatt’ring, when viewed from behind.

Steve Whitred:

Quite often her fingers would find
There’s a spot where the sun rarely shined,
And she might have got blisters
If not that the sisters
Had warned her, “It makes you go blind.”

Tim James:

A woman was angered to find
When driving, and hit from behind,
That the shock of the bump
Made her breast implants jump.
So now her front end’s misaligned.

Danielle Nowlin:

A girl on an airplane did find
She was feeling quite tightly confined.
She asked, “Sir, could you sit
With your seat up a bit?”
Said he rudely, “I’m not too inclined.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (119)

Sunday, June 23rd, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

In £ondon, a bill is a pound,
While in France, it’s the €uro that’s found.
Here in U. S. of A,
The dollar holds $way.
Whirled trade makes the money-go-round.

Congratulations to J Cosmo Newbery, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A professor would often expound
A theory, long proven unsound.
He thought a man oughta
Swim well underwater.
But sadly, in trying, he drowned.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Jeff Shirley, Bruce Niedt, Steve Whitred, Fred Bortz, Danielle Nowlin, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

With fists on the table I’ll pound.
I’ll stomp both my feet on the ground.
If you’re feeling the blues
From my terrible twos,
Just wait til my threes come around!

Jeff Shirley:

A woman who spent her last pound
Bought a plaything to tickle her mound.
When the batteries failed
“La Dee Da,” she exhaled.
“For the milkman will soon be around.”

Bruce Niedt:

A woman who lost just a pound
Looked down at her scale and then frowned.
So she quit diet planning,
Instead took up tanning–
She’s still fat, but she’s evenly browned.

Steve Whitred:

They gave the poor headboard a pound,
And the mattress collapsed to the ground.
Though they practiced safe sex
On the porch and the decks,
In the bathtub they both nearly drowned.

Fred Bortz:

If baloney is sold by the pound,
Then the costliest radio sound
Is political patter
Where facts never matter
And untruths and falsehoods abound.

Danielle Nowlin:

My professor would often expound
On deep thoughts as he roamed far around.
He declaimed as he moved,
But digressed and he proved
You can get a prof lost who’s profound.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

The penis is barely a pound,
And typic’ly just hangs around,
But with help from tumescence
It gives of one’s essence,
A process for which it’s renowned.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (118)

Sunday, June 16th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A woman quite often arose
In wrath at her sisters and bros.
They arranged her blind dates
With prospective soul mates.
So her life was all butt-ins and beaux.

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

From “The Vacuum,” The Cosmos arose,
As every good physicist knows.
I’d explain in this verse,
But the form is too terse.
The Big Bang requires Big Prose.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

Magnificently, he arose,
He’s a Greek god right down to his toes…
His serpent allures;
To say he endures
Is to liken the phoenix to crows.

I look up — in his teeth there’s a rose;
What he holds in his hand damn near glows;
Let me die by this stake…
Crap, that’s Ralph: “You awake?
I don’t know where this old flashlight goes.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Jane Shelton Hoffman, J Cosmo Newbery, Steve Whitred, Scott Crowder, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sue Dulley:

With fabric, a pale shade of rose,
She made up some curtains and throws.
They didn’t look smart
So she took them apart–
It’s sad when she rips what she sews.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A fellow who frequently rows
Never tells his wife just where he goes.
And her brother’s wife, Sue,
Often disappears too.
A family affair we suppose.

J Cosmo Newbery:

A woman was holding a rose
And the prize that it won in the shows.
And no-one suspected
Her win was connected
With the spot where she buried her beaux.

Steve Whitred:

His first tattoo says “I Love Rose.”
But another says “Bros before Hoes.”
So, his new girl, Inez
Wears a T-shirt that says,
“I’m with stupid”, wherever she goes.

Scott Crowder:

A woman was poked by a rose
And sent into orgasmic throes.
If one little prick,
Can do such a trick,
There’s hope for me too, I suppose.

Will T. Laughlin:

Rose planted her roses in rows,
Her garden to fully enclose.
Rose’s rosy rows rose,
And now nobody knows
When she goes through the rows with her beaux.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (117)

Sunday, June 9th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Robert Schechter, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In Montana, a man with a suit
Is laughed at. They think he’s a hoot!
And they holler with glee
If by chance they should see
That he’s wearing a necktie to Butte.

Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

My neighbor was filing a suit,
Claimed I’d sealed up the holes in his flute.
So I entered a plea,
“With the charge I agree,
But it sounds so much better on mute.”

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick. (Here’s some info about the case Steve’s describing in his limerick.)

My fav’rite Nebraskan filed suit
Against God, with intent to impute
That he caused to transpire
Floods, earthquakes and fire.
For his part, the Yahweh was mute.

The judge promptly threw out the suit,
Saying God had no street or rur’l route,
And the bench then observed
Though the lord must be served,
“We’ve no viable means of pursuit.”

So the plaintiff’s appealing the suit,
Says “The grounds for dismissal are moot.
We’re subpoena foregoing.
Jehovah’s all knowing.
We shouldn’t his presence dispute.”

Then the high court vacated his suit,
Though the brief they reviewed was astute.
Now he’s known as the hater
Who sued the Creator
From Oshkosh to Lincoln to Butte.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Johanna Richmond, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Sue Dulley, Robert Schechter, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Scott Crowder:

If you see me dressed up in a suit
And looking refined and astute,
With pants neatly creased,
I must be deceased,
In which case I won’t give a hoot.

Colleen Murphy:

A tomato was filing a suit,
Claimed the farmer had called him a “Fruit.”
The judge said, “True ref’rence,
Though not as to pref’rence.
The point of the matter is moot.”

Johanna Richmond:

No matter the price of the suit;
When that back-talking Maximus (Glute)
Throws his cares to the wind,
Rich and poor are chagrined.
Mighty mouth of the south, I salute.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A Senator wearing a suit
Was a right wing, religious old coot.
He’d profess, “Guns don’t kill!
But if you’ve got some skill,
When a thug comes around, you should shoot!”

Sue Dulley:

A man all dressed up in a suit
Caught the train for his morning commute.
His outfit, so formal,
Was looked on as normal
By others who took the same route.

Robert Schechter:

Said a man who was hit by a suit:
“I suppose I was far from astute.
I taunted, ‘So sue me!’
He did. Now I’m gloomy.
It’s wiser, at times, to stand mute.”

Will T. Laughlin:

Our limerick rhyme-word is “suit”:
Here’s the worst one — and that’s absolute.
It’s intended in fun,
So I beg: when I’m done,
Would you kindly not hurl rotten fruit?

I’m told that some Hollywood suit
Pitched a biopic: “Hawley and Smoot”.
Smoot never would bend
To the Hollywood trend,
But Hawley would. Ain’t THAT a beaut?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (114)

Sunday, May 19th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Cap’n Richard, the yacht racing buff,
Courts the ladies with confidence bluff.
But his shame, when he fails,
Takes the wind from his sails…
That’s the trouble with falling in luff.

Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fanatical fairy tale buff
Was told by his wife, “That’s enough!
I have played as Snow White,
Even Gretel at night,
But I won’t be a billy goat gruff!

Congratulations to Diane Groothuis and Will T. Laughlin, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Diane Groothuis:

The Oxford Shakespearean buff
Thought things in the old times were tough
It seems rather queer
To lend one your ear
Just to bury a king in a huff.

Will T. Laughlin:

What Antony ought to have said
Was: “Please keep your ears on your head.
Digging graves with your ears
Would take days, if not years…
Romans, lend me your shovels instead!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order): Tim James, Colleen Murphy, Steve Whitred, Robert Schechter,
Fred Bortz, Carolyn Henly, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A wedding night spent in the buff
Turned out for one guy to be rough.
His bride, not well knowing
The concept of “blowing,”
Passed out after one giant puff.

Colleen Murphy:

My pop was a Civil War buff
Who’d dress in his Civil War stuff.
He’d scare ev’ry neighbor
When armed with his saber,
And bringing in boyfriends was tough!

Steve Whitred:

A woman who’d swim in the buff
With the witches, Macbeth, and Macduff,
Felt it just wasn’t cool
With a dog in the pool
And said “Out damn Spot, ‘nough is enough.”

Robert Schechter:

A woman who cooked in the buff
Should have stopped with one cannabis puff.
“The turkey, or me?”
She asked. “Let me see . . .”
Then she chose the wrong creature to stuff.

Fred Bortz:

My bod, which has never been buff,
Or brawny, or sexy, or tough,
Would be a great pain
Were I hopelessly vain,
But I strive and I thrive. That’s enough.

Carolyn Henly:

A pseudo-Shakespearean buff
Found that learning his lines was quite rough.
He got fired one day
From the old Scottish play
‘Cuz he kept saying “Lead on, Macduff!”

David Lefkovits:

When opting to swim in the buff,
One confronts a decision so tough:
Would it be more obscene
To shave oneself clean
Or fearlessly feature one’s fluff?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (113)

Saturday, May 11th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Peter dates an old lady who trips
When she hears Gladys Knight and the Pips;
And knowing he’s scored
When she shouts “All aboard!”
Peter prays that her Poligrip grips.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who win the Special Mother’s Day-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

On Mom’s Day she’ll act mild and meek,
But I know that before I can speak
She’ll say “Thanks for the call.”
Then she’ll make me feel small
With “Your brother phones two times a week.”

Congratulations to Mike Moulton, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A hippie who took lots of trips
With reality came not to grips,
As the acid he tried
Left his brain nearly fried
And subject to memory slips.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Puzzle Award, occasionally given to a very clever puzzle in limerick form:

Here’s a puzzle for taking on trips:
At a fork, the path rises or dips.
Pick the one you should take
To arrive at the lake.
In verse two I’ll supply you with tips.

There’s two guides, but be careful, one trips.
Only lies ever come from her lips.
Th’ other guide in the booth
Always tells you the truth.
Which is which? You don’t know, and that rips.

But with guilt, on me, don’t lay your trips.
Both guides know which path’s right and which gyps.
Since these girls are both sibs,
They know which of them fibs
And which sis tells the truth in her quips.

To arrive at the lake on these trips,
It’s now time that we all come to grips.
What’s the question to pose
To one guide, so it shows
Down which path to be pointing your hips?

(Steve provides the answer to his fun puzzle here.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, J Cosmo Newbery, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

My career lets me take lots of trips.
I tend bar on some cruise-liner ships.
I like it a lot
‘Cause there’s nothing so hot
As a drunk girl with really big tips.

Fred Bortz:

The astronomer’s too frequent trips
To savor Miss Moonbeam’s sweet lips
Were the proximate cause:
He forgot Kepler’s Laws
And was late for the solar eclipse.

J Cosmo Newbery:

A fellow who took many trips
To clubs where a young lady strips
Got the fright of his life
Recognizing his wife
Both dancing and pulling large tips.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A writer would take frequent trips
To research how each country strips.
“Geisha girls drop their fans.
French nudes do can-cans.
And Middle East girls show their lips.”

Sue Dulley

A comet makes regular trips
Round its orbit, a long thin ellipse.
What to do on the day
Our earth gets in its way?
We’ll need some apocalypse tips.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (112)

Sunday, May 5th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The party was starting to hum
On a fishing boat well-stocked with rum,
Till the captain’s friend, drunk,
With the sharks took a dunk.
Now he’s known as the skipper’s best chum.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Someone’s limerick made me go hummm…
When I think of a frown on a bum,
My mind goes to farce —
Painted lips on an arse
And a mouth ill-equipped to chew gum.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred and Will T. Laughlin, who jointly win a special Limerick Puzzle/Repartee Award for this limerick exchange, which begins with Steve’s puzzle in multi-verse limerick form and ends with Will’s solution, also in multi-verse limerick form:

Steve Whitred:

So this week when the rhyme word is hum
And I’ve o’er used ‘cum’, ‘dum’, ‘thumb’, and ‘bum’.
A conundrum I’ll pose.
Will you solve it, who knows?
I suspect though, it’s too tough for some.

Now the gears in my head start to hum,
As the clues for this puzzle forth come.
You’ve got 12 coins of gold,
But there’s one that is old.
It’s weight’s off from the rest, by a crumb.

You’ve a scale (not of music to hum).
It’s two pans on a chain, and it’s plumb.
With this scale weigh the gold
‘Till at last you behold
The coin others are different from.

If at this point you’re all thinking hummm…,
Here’s a clue to begin, don’t be glum.
Place some coins in each pan.
If they balance you can
Safely say that it’s not in that scrum.

Since you now see this isn’t ho-hum,
One more thing, please don’t think I’m a bum.
The odd coin may be light
Or just overweight, slight.
And three weighing’s the goal. Good luck chum.

Will T. Laughlin:

Here’s the method that I would employ:
Choose *any* two coins, Steve my boy…
Take one coin (your choice),
Weigh it avoirdupois,
And then measure the other in troy.

No, no: please don’t give me a beating.
I know that this method is cheating.
If you’d rather instead,
I’ll try using my head…
(Quite a change from my usual bleating).

– ahem –

Put six and six pieces of eight
On the scales, and determine their weight.
You’ll notice one side
Slightly higher will ride:
That’s the side we’ll be working with. Great:

Take the coins from the light side, and see
How they measure up, weighed three and three.
Once again you’ll behold
That there’s one tray of gold
Slightly lighter, comparatively.

Now the answer’s so clear it could bite one:
The lighter half must have the right one.
So compare one and one.
If they’re equal, you’re done;
If they’re not, then you just choose the light one.

(You can read Steve’s solution to his own puzzle here in prose form.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Colleen Murphy, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Johanna Richmond, Sue Dulley, and Robert Schechter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

Beethoven first started to hum
As a child when he still sucked his thumb.
As he crawled on the floor,
He’d come up with a score.
His FIRST tune was “Dot dot dot dum.”

Colleen Murphy:

My brother would constantly hum,
Crack knuckles, blow bubbles, and drum.
Then wonder why dating
Was so darned deflating,
As girlfriends would leave when he’d come.

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

Just as things were beginning to hum,
Along came a fellow so dumb:
He chose a fine cello
With tone sweet and mellow.
With pick he then started to strum.

David Lefkovits:

A fellow would constantly hum
The chorus from “Under My Thumb.”
He said, with a swagger,
“My moves are like Jagger;
Just see how I’m shaking my bum.”

Johanna Richmond:

To the dentist who’d constantly hum
While poking and prodding her gum:
She cried, “Hate to sound sore
But just how much more
Anesthesia would make my ears numb?”

Sue Dulley:

The lobby was starting to hum.
Reporters closed in for the scrum.
But soon all were vexed
When “No comment” and “Next?”
Were the closest to answers they’d come.

Robert Schechter:

My girlfriend would constantly hum
During sex, and it bothered me some.
One day I asked why,
And she said with a sigh,
“I’ll sing you the words when I come.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (111)

Sunday, April 28th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Les a/k/a Colonialist, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

An artist who often made scenes
Would paint them on flimsiest screens.
When backdrops were rent,
Cast would then, through the vent,
Cast aspersions while venting their spleens.

Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

An artist was drawing some scenes
Of the countryside down in Orleans.
As he sketched and he drew
He kept sipping some brew,
Which explains why his last subject leans.

Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins a special Limerick Quiz Award, for creating a fun Limerick Movie Quiz out of his series of limericks. (You can find the answers to David’s quiz right after the list of Honorable Mention winning limericks, upside down … just to keep everybody honest.)

This week, when the keyword is “scenes”,
I wanted to break from routines.
Each verse I will use
To throw out some clues;
Try guessing what each of them means!

This silent is loaded with scenes
Of man in the thrall of machines,
And the mystical muse
Who changes the views
Of a rebel who’s born of great means.

This actor was noted for scenes
Of angst-ridden young men and teens.
If he had lived long,
He might have gone on
To become one of Hollywood’s deans.

In this mob movie’s earliest scenes
The specter of lust intervenes
With a gangster whose shlong
Is a few inches long;
In fact, it may be in the teens.

One of the funniest scenes
To blaze across Hollywood screens
Ends up with a din
Like trumpets and wind
And begins with a pot full of beans.

There’s a musical noted for scenes
Of dancing by killer chorines,
Who know of a spot
Where the music is hot,
And the lyrics are not for preteens.

In this movie, two ladies have scenes
Making one of the world’s great cuisines,
But the younger one’s thrown
By Beef Bourguignon,
And breaks down amid her tureens.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Steve Whitred, Bob Dvorak, Ira Bloom, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Will T. Laughlin:

An Irishman likes to make scenes
While wooing the village colleens.
But the girls understand
That his gestures so grand
Mean there’s nothing at all in his jeans.

Steve Whitred:

In Bogey films there are some scenes
Where his shortness of height intervenes,
Like the time when he quipped,
“Ingrid let’s change the script
To a ‘hill’, from a ‘mountain’ of beans.”

Bob Dvorak:

A fellow who often made scenes
In the buff, to be seen on big screens,
Can’t act. When a guy
Out of work asked him why,
He retorted, “It’s all in the genes.”

Ira Bloom:

A fellow who often makes scenes,
As he drinks, stumbles, trips and careens,
With few inhibitions,
Makes rude propositions.
A good thing his wife intervenes.

Sue Dulley:

A youth leader takes in some scenes
With “her girls”, a small group of young teens.
She’s known to have stated,
“No, they’re not related,
Although they all have the same jeans”.

And now, returning to David Lefkovits’ Limerick Movie Quiz, here’s the answer key:

˙ɐıןnɾ & ǝıןnɾ ‘oƃɐɔıɥɔ ‘sǝןppɐs ƃuızɐןq ‘ɹǝɥʇɐɟpoƃ ǝɥʇ ‘uɐǝp sǝɯɐɾ ‘sıןodoɹʇǝɯ

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (110)

Sunday, April 21st, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A chicken quite frequently stews
About stews that to her are bad news:
“There went sister and mother.
I WON’T be another!
If I’m called to be served, I’ll refuse!”

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

An actor I know often stews
That his videos don’t get more views.
Then he did a drunk dance,
But forgot to wear pants–
Now he’s featured on CNN News.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Kevin Ahern, Craig Dykstra, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Ira Bloom, Colleen Murphy, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Fred Bortz:

A restaurant served only stews
With many odd flavors to choose.
But business went down
When folks in the town
Discovered their zoo’s down two gnus.

Kevin Ahern:

A creator of books about stews
Went to Sicily partly to schmooze.
This lazy ass bum
Thought he might become
An author they couldn’t refuse.

Craig Dykstra:

Two French painters, but one often stews.
To the other he offers his views:
“Oh Monsieur Lautrec
All I paint is such dreck!
I fear I’ve got nothing, Toulouse.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A gourmand who likes to eat stews
Posed the question, “What meat did you use?”
Since the menu director
Was Hannibal Lecter,
Missing persons list might give some clues.

Ira Bloom:

A fellow who comes when he stews,
Makes a point to date nothing but shrews.
Asked if he could abide
With a nun he replied:
“I don’t mind, if she has a short fuse.”

Colleen Murphy:

I’ve a girlfriend who frequently stews,
Says her son’s in the terrible twos.
I, a witness, attest,
He’s a toddler possessed,
And a reason I’ll birth control use!

Steve Whitred:

A fellow who likes to make stews,
Using chuck steak and horse meat and ewes,
Serves his hash on a raft
With a micro-brew draft
And he calls his place ‘Cruise, Booze, and Chews’

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (109)

Sunday, April 14th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The ardent date’s blowing his stack
Cuz his signals were all out of whack.
He said “What can I do
That will satisfy you?”
So she asked, “Can you fix me a snack?”

Congratulations to Sue Dulley, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A reader was offered a stack
Of books going several years back.
A few were hard cover
Like “Lady C’s Lover,”
While some were soft porn (paperback).

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Diane Groothuis, Jamie Hutchinson, Johanna Richmond, Craig Dykstra, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Sue Dulley, and Will T. Laughlin

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Diane Groothuis:

A woman was blowing her stack,
Cuz her husband did not have the knack
Of withholding the gas
He’d repeatedly pass,
And she said “If I want it I’ll frack”.

Jamie Hutchinson:

A plumber was blowing her stack
At a fellow who thought her a quack:
“The proof’s in my work!
And anatomy, jerk,
Is the reason you can’t see my crack!”

Johanna Richmond:

A woman was blowing her stack:
“I want my virginity back!
After only one squeeze,
He spilled his valdez.
That romeo isn’t worth jack!”

Craig Dykstra:

To his wife, the ex-Gov blew his stack
‘Cause their two-person costume was whack.
He gave her the front
And said “Hate to be blunt
But I’m Ahnuld and so … I’ll be back.”

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A woman was blowing her stack
When she heard that her stalker was back.
“When I get up each morn
I go garden my corn.
I will cut off his stalk with a whack!”

Sue Dulley:

A glamorous gal has a stack
Of nightgowns, short, silky and black.
But her beau (he’s confessed)
Likes her burlap-bag dressed.
Why? “Because she’s the best in the sack.”

Will T. Laughlin:

A fellow was trying to stack
His triplets, each one on its back,
Saving trouble and toil
For the visiting mohel–
Circumcising all three in one whack.

(There once was a klutz of a mohel
Who sneezed in the midst of his tohel.
He peered down at the boy,
Then turned pale, and said: “Oy,
Mrs. Greenbaum? You now have a gohel.”)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (108)

Sunday, April 7th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A baker I met buying bread
Must love how I treat him in bed:
Has “Fredrico Fellini”
Tattooed on his weenie,
But his wife thinks it only says Fred.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Do lim’ricks attract the ill-bred?
I can only infer from Craig’s spread:
If your reader can’t chew it
Tattoo it or screw it,
Forget it, you ain’t got no cred.

Congratulations to Sue Dulley and Will T. Laughlin, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Sue Dulley:

A guy from the States, not ill-bred,
To a person from Canada said:
If you must pronounce Zee
Like it’s spelt Z-E-D,
Then why not say “A-Bed-Ced-Ded?”

Will T. Laughlin:

Dear Sue: In the U.S. we’re bred
To say ‘zee’ where all others say ‘zed’:
“A-Bed-Ced” is absurd,
Or our hymn would be heard
At the ball game: “Oh, say, can you said?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) RJ Clarken, Fred Bortz, Jim Gallagher Stephen Gold, Will T. Laughlin, Bone, Steve Whitred, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Rj Clarken:

A gal who was rather ill-bred
Sought lessons, since she was unread.
So with rain found in Spain
She became more urbane,
‘Though the song is still stuck in her head.

Fred Bortz:

A limerick contest on bread
Hurts this Pesach observer’s poor head.
Let’s revolt against Kane
For causing such pain
And write some on matzo instead.

Jim Gallagher:

He wryly de-floured her bread,
Then kneaded her sweet rolls instead.
He started to tickle
Her sweet pumpernickel,
Carawaying her right into bed.

Stephen Gold:

A man who was rather ill-bred
Told his girl he would love to be wed.
When she sighed,”I would too,”
He replied, “Not to you!”
And went off with her sister instead.

Will T. Laughlin:

They woke up their roommate ill-bred:
“Get up! Carpe diem!” they said.
He replied, “Carpe NOCTEM,”
Rolled over, and shocked ‘em:
Their girlfriends were with him in bed!

Bone:

A fellow who liked to bake bread
Was suddenly filled with great dread.
His wife’s yeast infection
Cause great circumspection.
Now he uses self-rising instead.

Steve Whitred:

A woman who liked to bake bread
Met a pottery artist named Ted.
Now he butters her rolls
And she fondles his bowls,
While his kiln and her oven glow red.

Sue Dulley:

Some people lived mostly on bread
And much of the time went unfed.
They appealed to ‘la reine’
To help with their pain.
All she told them was, eat cake instead.

I went to the Safeway for bread.
It made sense what Marie A. had said!
The pound cake cost less
Than a loaf, so I guess…
No more toast, I’ll make trifle instead.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!