Are the “dog toys” pictured in this article really meant for canines? Or are they sex toys for humans? You be the judge. But if they turn you on, you can buy them on Amazon.
Sex Toys Are In The Eye Of The Beholder (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Too shy to buy sex toys? Oh my!
There’s an option you might want to try:
It seems some are disguised
As doggy toys — sized
And designed to give pleasure thereby.
If the thought of dogs at work gives you pause, you might want to play hooky on “Take Your Dog To Work Day.” It’s celebrated each year on the first Friday after Father’s Day, so this year it falls on June 20th.
Limerick Ode To “Take Your Dog To Work Day”
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Do you hear any barking at work?
If so, you’re not going berserk.
“Take Your Dog To Work” days
Can cause canine arrays
Once a year. It’s a white collar perk.
(If you prefer, there’s always Take Your Parents To Work Day.)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
An employee who needed okays…*
or
A fellow was dating two Kays…*
or
The races he likes are 5Ks…*
or
I was stumped by a word with three Ks…*
or
Never act without getting okays…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Okays
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A horse trainer needed okays,
But his boss kept him waiting for days.
Those delays made him bridle:
“That hack is so idle!”
In response he was saddled with nays.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
UPDATE: March 23 is OK Day.
Happy Poultry Day!
Limerick Ode To Poultry Day (March 19)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The chickens and turkeys squawk, “Beat it!”
But they’re looking a wee bit defeated.
Though it’s Poultry Day, true,
It’s a day those birds rue,
Cuz the way we rejoice … is to eat it.
Here are my entries in the Washington Post Style Invitational’s good/bad/ugly contest:
Good: While walking through a wildlife preserve, you encounter a crane.
Bad: It’s moving toward you, getting too close for comfort.
Ugly: A man in a hard hat yells, “Whoops!”
Good: You get a great sounding job and are promised tons of bread.
Bad: The job turns out to be boring.
Ugly: You’re paid in actual bread.
Good: You and your spouse like to dance, so you sign up for swing.
Bad: You enter the club and hate the music.
Ugly: The dancing is horizontal.
Good: You’ve earned an MS in Zoology.
Bad: Despite your credentials, finding a job is tough.
Ugly: You’re finally working in a real zoo … a New York deli.
You can find the entertaining winners list (which doesn’t include me) here.
My apologies in advance:
Badly Behaved Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow was rather astounded
At his granddaughter’s meanness unbounded.
She would tie up her dog
And then dangle a frog,
Hounding both. Time that teenager’s grounded!
I rarely write science-related limericks. But I just couldn’t resist this headline: “‘Humans evolved after a female chimpanzee mated with a pig’: Extraordinary claim made by American geneticist.”
In A Pig’s Eye!
By Madeleine Begun Kane
You might ask how a masculine pig
Got a chimp that was female to dig
Him enough to have sex.
I’m guessing a hex,
Using feathers and maybe a fig.
If being wrapped in pythons would enhance your massage experience, do I have a spa for you! Get yourself right over to the Bali Heritage Reflexology and Spa in Jakarta, Indonesia, which claims that snake-draping combats stress.
A Spa To Hiss (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Oh joy! Here’s a spa to avoid:
When massaging you, snakes are deployed.
Yes, they drape you in snakes,
Claiming fear aids your aches.
You feel great … right until you’re destroyed.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman encountered a snake…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here are my two limericks:
Snake Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman encountered a snake
And wondered just what it would take
To catch it and kill it,
Then drizzle and grill it,
Or maybe add pastry and bake.
and
A woman encountered a snake–
Not a reptile — a man on the make.
In response to his hype,
She said, “I know your type.
Your style is I give and you take.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
UPDATE: October 21 is Reptile Awareness Day.
I wrote this limerick in sympathy for the poor blobfish, recently declared to be the “world’s ugliest animal” and named the mascot for the Ugly Animal Preservation Society:
Limerick Ode To The Blobfish
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“I am NOT that bad looking a fish,”
Said the blobfish, a fish that ain’t swish.
“And it hurts when you smugly
Keep calling me ‘ugly,’
Though it beats being somebody’s dish.”
Limerick Ode To Groundhog Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There’s an animal hogging the news
And casting a shadow on views.
It’s the groundhog, of course:
Our annual source
Of featherbrained seasonal clues.
Happy Groundhog Day! (February 2nd.) And for more groundhog poetry, visit DVerse Poets.
The 9-1-1 emergency number has become so common, you’d think people would know when (and when not) to use it. But apparently not.
The emergency number is meant
For a notably urgent event.
So don’t call 9-1-1
When your steak’s overdone,
You’ve lost keys, or to vent about rent.
(Using 911 to report a lion sighting in Virginia is probably okay … even if it turns out to be just a labradoodle groomed to look like a lion.)
(The first U.S. 9-1-1 call was made on February 16, 1968.)
Congratulations to Denise Dresner on the publication of her limerick book, Cat Limericks. Here are some sample limericks from her book:
A fabulous feline called Cleo
Loved Carnival time down in Rio.
She’d join the parade
Dressed in full masquerade
And dance through the streets with great brio!
*****
There once was a cat from Menorca
Whose favorite poet was Lorca;
She’d lie on the beach
Her books within reach
And amaze the occasional gawker!
*****
I swear that this limerick is based on an actual news item: Artist makes music with bird droppings in Liverpool.
Mucked Up Music (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Just what is a person to do
When creative ideas are few?
If your muse flew the coop,
Here’s an int’resting scoop:
Compose music by using bird poo.
In Honor Of World Animal Day, celebrated annually on October 4th, here are three endangered species limericks: Limerick Odes to the Tasmanian Forester Roo, the Hippopotamus, and the African Wild Ass. (I previously posted my Rhino limerick, which is included in the International Poetry Anthology For Rhino in a Shrinking World.)
Limerick Ode To The Tasmanian Forester Roo
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The Tasmanian Forester Roo
Is endangered. So here’s what to do:
Sign petitions. Give cash.
Host a fund-raising bash,
Else its time on this earth will be through.
Limerick Ode To The Hippopotamus
By Madeleine Begun Kane
When I look at a hippo I wonder:
What’s the size of its herbivore plunder?
At three point five tons,
It clearly outguns
Any crops as it tears them asunder.
Limerick Ode To The African Wild Ass
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The African Wild Ass, alas,
Is at risk. It may soon come to pass
That the last one dies out.
It’s endangered, no doubt.
This horse-cousin may vanish en masse.
UPDATE: February 15 is Hippo Day and Endangered Species Day falls on the third Friday of May.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman displayed her dismay…*
or
A fellow displayed his dismay…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Dismay
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman displayed her dismay
At her pug, who refused to obey.
She’d hound him and bray,
Till her pet ran away.
‘Tis no wonder her dog would not stay.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tomorrow, September 22nd, is World Rhino Day. And I’m very pleased to announce that my Limerick Ode To The Rhinoceros is included in the International Poetry Anthology For Rhino in a Shrinking World. And that it was one of five of the anthology’s poems read at a World Rhino Day celebration in Grahamstown, South Africa.
Limerick Ode To The Rhinoceros
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The rhino appears prehistoric,
With a diet that’s vega-caloric.
It’s endangered, alas.
Laws to save it must pass.
This would make all its lovers euphoric.
UPDATE: May 1 is Save The Rhino Day.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman was putting on airs…*
or
A fellow was putting on airs…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Airs
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman was putting on airs
And attracting a whole lot of stares.
She puffed and she preened,
Till from warnings she gleaned
That behind her were lurking three bears.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
I’ve been known to lash out against people who drive red cars:
Now I’m no scientist or statistician. I have no idea whether the color red inspires insanity in drivers, or if bad drivers are genetically attracted to it. All I know is that whenever I see a driver doing something spectacularly stupid, he’s doing it in a flaming red automobile.
But after reading this article about red cars and bird poop, I’m starting to feel a bit sorry for those drivers:
Research in five cities found 18 per cent of red cars were marked with deposits, followed by blue (14 per cent), black (11 per cent) and white (seven per cent).
For the cleanest ride, the best advice, appropriately, is to go green – just one per cent of that colour was smeared.
But even pity can’t stop me from writing this limerick:
This Limerick’s For The Birds
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Here’s a riveting fact about birds,
Which is likely to trigger foul words:
They like dropping their poo
Upon autos whose hue
Is red — their pet target for turds.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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