MAD KANE’S HUMOR BLOG

My spring limerick contest was such a success, I’ve decided to hold limerick contests regularly.  And it’s time for another one. 

So here’s my challenge: Write a limerick related to the subject of mothers and post it here in a comment to this post no later than Saturday, May 12, 2007.  I’ll announce the winners on Mother’s Day, May 13, 2007.

The first prize will be $25.  The second prize will be $10.  Both prizes will be paid via PayPal.

So, what exactly is a limerick?  It’s a five line poem with an AABBA rhyme scheme and a very specific meter exemplified by these winning entries. (For more information about limericks check out these fine sites: Encyclospeedia Oedilfica and OEDILF.)

I’m looking forward to reading your entries!

UPDATE: The prize money has just doubled, thanks to a matching funds contest sponsorship by Billy Jones a/k/a Billy The Blogging Poet. Thanks to Billy’s generosity,  there now will be $50 in first prize money and $20 in second prize money. Very cool, Billy!

UPDATE 2: This contest is now over, and the winners list and winning entries are posted here. Thanks for your wonderful entries, and stay tuned — another limerick contest is coming soon.

Technorati Tags: Limerick Contest, Mother’s Day Limericks, Writing Contests, Moms Humor, Parents Humor, Parenting Humor

A Doggone Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“It’s so cute!” said the child, with delight.
“You can’t have it,” said Mom. “Puppies bite.
It’s adorable, true,
But dogs nip, bark, and chew,
And your Daddy will cower in fright.” 

Technorati Tags: Animal Satire, Pet Humor, Child Humor, Parental Humor, Family Fun

Chafing At “Chick”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When a guy calls a woman a chick,
It strikes me as sexist and sick.
But my comments are tame;
Unless Richard’s his name,
I’m polite and I don’t call him dick.

Technorati Tags: Sexism Humor, Feminism Humor, Men Women, Male Female Relationships

A Rueful Rhyme
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Your inventions are brilliant, it’s true.
Yes, you’re smart; it’s your rudeness I rue.
I regret that I met you,
My failure to vet you,
And, mostly, my saying, “I do.” 

Technorati Tags: Relationship Fun, Working Humor, Vetting Humor, Husband Wife Humor, Marriage Satire

Belated Apology
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Your apology’s rather belated,”
Said the gal to a fellow she hated.
“Your delay makes me fear
That it isn’t sincere—
You still had your hair when we dated!” 

Technorati Tags: Dating Satire, Apologies Humor, Baldness Humor, Hair Humor, Romance Humor, Men and Women Humor

Sibling Trickster
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Pick a card,” was a phrase I would hear
As a child, from my brother, all year.
He did card tricks—his hobby.
I’d answer, quite snobby:
“Magician, please go. Disappear!”

Technorati Tags: Brother Humor, Sibling Humor, Relatives, Family Satire, Sibling Rivalry, Magic, Magician, Card Tricks, Hobby Humor, Hobbies, Entertainment

Surmounting Marriage
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Before agreeing to marry my husband Mark, I asked him the usual questions:

1. Do you know what a hamper is and have you ever actually used one?
2. Do you spend weekends sprawled in front of a sports-spewing screen, devouring couch potato chips?
3. Are your parents likely to drive me to drink?

Mark told the appropriate fibs, I pretended to believe him, and several months later we wed. But soon after the wedding, I realized I’d forgotten to ask the most important question of all: When you see a mountain, do you get an irresistible urge to do something stupid?  (Surmounting Marriage is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Mountain Climbing, Outdoor Humor, Husband Wife Relationship Humor, Marriage Satire,

A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Attention guys — it’s time to get ready for Valentine’s Day. After all, you don’t want a repeat of last year, do you? I didn’t think so.

For most men, the very mention of Valentine’s Day conjures up memories of a last minute, fruitless shopping expedition followed by a quarrel with their girlfriend or wife. Women, on the other hand, tend to think romantic thoughts: champagne, dining by candlelight, strolling violinists, and an after-dinner brandy in front of a roaring fireplace. This scenario exists only in their fantasies, mind you. After all, they are dating or married to you.  … (A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Valentine Day’s Humor, Holiday Fun, Relationship Satire, Battle of the Sexes, Men and Women, Gift Humor, Romance Humor

A Take-Charge Marriage
By Madeleine Begun Kane

We’re both bossy, my husband and I.
Domineering, some say with a sigh.
But though some might disparage
A two-bosses marriage,
Each day is the Fourth of July.

(My marriage humor is collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Marriage Humor, Compatibility Humor, Bossy, Domineering

Marriage Catch
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Said the fellow, “I need some advice.
Tell me how I can catch me some mice,
Cause my wife saw some lurk
By the fridge—went berserk!
Till I catch ’em, my sex life’s on ice.”

(My marriage humor is collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Marriage Humor, Sex Humor, Mice Humor, Vermin Humor

If you’ve ever visited the delightful Bobbarama, you know that its witty proprietor  posts the occasional Take Two. So, what exactly is a Take Two?  It’s a  battle of the sexes type humor collaboration, in which Bob and a funny female both write about a given topic.

Why am I telling you this?  Because today I’m the female half of Bob’s collaboration, and the topic is shopping. I hope you’ll enjoy my take on shopping with your mate, which is in the form of a multiple choice quiz.  (You’ll find a link to Bob’s take at the end of this post.)

Is It Safe To Go Shopping With Your Mate? (Humorous Quiz)
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

One sure way to test a relationship is to shop with your mate. Not only is joint shopping stressful, but it amplifies differences in temperament and taste. It can even lead to bickering, brawls, and mayhem. So take this compatibility quiz now. Or risk being ousted from your favorite boutique.

1. When you arrive at the mall he:

a. Says “Let’s shop together. It’ll be fun.”
b. Says “Meet me in hardware.”
c. Vanishes.

2. In men’s clothing he:

a. Asks your opinion and compliments your taste.
b. Buys a tie he already owns.
c. Bemoans the demise of the leisure suit.

3. In lingerie he:

a. Says you look sexy in an oversized robe.
b. Asks you to model see-through garments too small to identify.
c. Hands you a Wonderbra. … (“Is It Safe To Go Shopping With Your Mate?” is continued here.)

(Click here for Bob’s Shopping Take Two: Shopping For An Excuse To Stay Home, and be sure to meander around his fun site.  But don’t forget to come back here, so you can visit my marriage humor collection.)

Technorati Tags: Shopping Humor, Shopping With Your Spouse, Shopping With Your Husband, Men, Women, Gender Differences Humor

Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing.

And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn’t buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it’s on sale.

But there is a cure for the holiday gift blues. Just substitute this agreement for those subtle hints — the ones that are always either missed or misconstrued. Then kiss that Returns Counter good-bye. This year’s gifts are for keeps.

AGREEMENT entered into this ___________ (Date) by Husband and Wife, hereafter called “Couple.”

WHEREAS, Couple often argues over ill-chosen gifts; and

WHEREAS, a gift giving agreement may save Couple’s marriage and/or reduce return trips to the mall.

NOW, THEREFORE, Couple hereby agrees to these provisions:

GIFTS FOR WIFE:

1. Self-serving gifts shall be avoided. For example, Husband shall not buy Wife the following:
a. Chocolate when Wife is on a diet.
b. Tight clothing meant to encourage Wife to diet.
c. Anything transparent.

2. Husband shall not give Wife practical gifts such as an iron, a dish washer, or a vacuum cleaner… unless husband plans to use them. … (My Mad Gift Giving Guide is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Christmas Gift Humor, Gift Giving, Husband-Wife Humor, Holiday Fun, Holiday Gifts, Funny Contracts

There are few “fun” activities quite so vexing as the Office Christmas Party; that obligatory gathering of bosses and subordinates, cronies and rivals, back-stabbers and back-stabbees. Plus a horde of husbands and wives who spend the entire night planning their escape.

Every year you fantasize about sending an RSVP marked “Thanks, but no thanks.” Then you return to reality and break the news to your spouse. “It’ll be different this time,” you lie. “It’ll be fun.”

“I’ll go to yours, if you’ll go to mine,” your mate responds. “And you have to promise to behave.”

This brings us to the art of gaffe avoidance. After all, who isn’t but one faux pas from the unemployment line? Dodging the pitfalls of office party protocol can be a daunting challenge. But with the help of this agreement, you’ll survive yet another function with your job intact.

AGREEMENT entered into on ____________, by Husband and Wife (collectively referred to as “Couple”).

WHEREAS, Couple’s employers suffer from the delusion that Office Christmas Parties are good for morale;

WHEREAS, Couple, being sane individuals, would prefer to stay home; and

WHEREAS, although Couple can’t prove a connection, everyone who skipped last year’s bash is now unemployed; … ” (Office Party Follies is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Christmas Party Humor, Husband-Wife Humor, Holiday Fun, Office Holiday Parties, Funny Contracts

Being a feminist, even a moderate feminist like me, can make it tough to dodge duties unsuited to the squeamish. In my case, squirrel removal.

Like most people, I prefer my squirrels outdoors. So I wasn’t exactly pleased when a squirrel decided to invade my turf. One morning last winter, when I was barely awake and shuffling down our basement stairs, something with a bushy tail flashed past me, mere inches from my toes. So I ask you, what’s a feminist to do? Yell hysterically? Scream for help? Well, … yes. I also scrambled up the steps, slammed the door, and told myself the squirrel would find its own way out.

For the next few hours I wondered what my squirrel was up to. I even tried to talk myself into marching downstairs and facing him down. Or creeping downstairs and checking things out. Or opening the cellar door just a crack, peering down the steps, and shutting the door fast before the squirrel became suspicious.

What kind of feminist was I, I asked myself, as I paced a floor above the intruder. Surely Gloria Steinem would stand her ground against a tiny rodent. Thank goodness I wasn’t famous enough to be a Rush Limbaugh target. “Femi-Nazi hypocritical wimp Madeleine Begun Kane is ascared of a wee little squirrel,” he’d surely say if he knew I existed. … (A Squirrely Lesson is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Squirrel Humor, Husband Wife Humor, Home Ownership, Feminism Humor, Rush Limbaugh, Femi-Nazi Humor, Basement, Cellar, Trapping Animals, Exterminators

“I’m not going in there. No way. Forget it.”

My seventy-something mother’s stance was as rigid as her words; arms folded across her chest, unyielding legs pointed away from the shop I’d just suggested.

She and I had spent the entire afternoon combing through three department stores for the definitive pair of panties. Or at least my mom’s idea of same. This illusive undergarment had to be loose, comfortable, 100% cotton, and totally devoid of lace. And that was just for starters. It also had to completely cover my mother’s hips and come in a large size, the exact number of which she resolutely refused to disclose. … (Secret Shopper is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Mother Humor, Parental Humor, Victoria’s Secret, Underwear Humor, Clothing Humor, Style Humor, Comfortable Clothing, Clothes Shopping, Department Stores

My husband Mark and I have a weekend hideaway, a respite from the pace of New York City life. Our country haven is smaller than most; it was once optimistically measured at 400 square feet. In fact, it’s so petite that the very act of staying there more than a day without a single quarrel is persuasive proof of a sound relationship.

On a recent weekend there we were happily hiding out, luxuriating in nature, listening to the birds, and breathing in the fragrant non-New York City air. Suddenly, we were assaulted by a distinctly unpacific sound. No, not sundry talking heads screaming about Iraq. It was even worse than that. … (False Alarm is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Automobile Humor, Car Alarms, Country Living, Husband Humor, Modern Life, Contemporary Life, Technology Downside, Weekend Home, Vacation House

A weekend trip is a splendid way to replenish your energy and deplete your bank account. In theory, such journeys should be preceded by thorough research, careful planning, and intense negotiations with your mate. Sounds a lot like work, right? Which is why so many vacations go something like this:

(1). Become increasingly exhausted and overwrought. Bicker with spouse over nonsense. Make up, bicker some more, and decide you both need a vacation. Agree to plan a trip for just the two of you real soon. Fall asleep fantasizing about a work/child/pressure-free orgy of self-indulgence.

(2). Repeat Step (1) many times during the next few months. Repeat it several times more … leaving out the sleep part. (How To Plan A Trip is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Travel Humor, Vacation Humor, Holiday Humor, Battle of Sexes, Marriage Humor, Hotel Humor, Husband Wife Humor, Humorous How-To

Planning a vacation can often be a daunting challenge. Especially when one spouse likes to rough it and the other prefers luxuries like toilets, showers, and cable TV. So what’s a couple to do? Well, they can take separate trips. Or they can negotiate and sign on the dotted line.

AGREEMENT, entered into this _________, 20__ by Husband and Wife.

WHEREAS, Husband’s ideal vacation requires hiking boots, compasses, sleeping bags, and knapsacks and doesn’t cost a dime;

WHEREAS, Wife’s ideal vacation requires a five star resort;

WHEREAS, Husband is a spontaneous kind of guy who likes to pick his trips by throwing a coin onto a trail map; … ((Taking A Vacation On The Contract Plan is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Travel Humor, Vacation Humor, Marriage Humor, Hotel Humor,  Husband Wife Humor

I should put my local tow guy on a yearly retainer. Here’s a typical conversation:

Me: Hi, it’s me, Madeleine Kane. Guess whose husband left the lights on again. My address is…
Tow Guy: Still have you down from last week. Have you considered our frequent user plan? …  (Tow Guy Blues is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Driving Humor, Automobile Humor, Auto Humor, Bad Drivers, Husband Humor, Car Humor, Marriage Humor Tow Truck Humor, Absent-minded Husbands

Do you and your spouse argue about how to spend your spare time? Togetherness can be tough to achieve when a couple’s interests just don’t jibe. But this contract may be just the cure for your spare time blues.

AGREEMENT entered into on _____, 20__ between opera-buff Wife and sports-fan Husband.

WHEREAS, Husband has been badgering Wife to attend a ball game for as long as they’ve been married, and he has never managed to reach first base;

WHEREAS, Wife has been pressuring Husband to go to the opera for years, and Husband is running out of excuses; and

WHEREAS, Husband and Wife know that if they don’t resolve this soon, each will be attending all functions solo.

NOW, THEREFORE, the parties hereby agree to the following spare time terms:

    1. Wife will attend one ball-type game, the selection of which shall be in Husband’s sole discretion, and Husband will attend one opera performance, the selection of which shall be in Wife’s sole discretion. In exercising such discretion, both spouses will keep in mind that divorce lawyers are really expensive … (Sparring Over Spare Time is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Opera Humor, Wife Humor, Spare Time Humor, Ball Game Humor, Battle of the Sexes, Family Humor, Recreation Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Relationship Humor, Husband Humor, Funny Contracts, Law Humor, Lawyer Humor