MAD KANE’S HUMOR BLOG

A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Attention guys — it’s time to get ready for Valentine’s Day. After all, you don’t want a repeat of last year, do you? I didn’t think so.

For most men, the very mention of Valentine’s Day conjures up memories of a last minute, fruitless shopping expedition followed by a quarrel with their girlfriend or wife. Women, on the other hand, tend to think romantic thoughts: champagne, dining by candlelight, strolling violinists, and an after-dinner brandy in front of a roaring fireplace. This scenario exists only in their fantasies, mind you. After all, they are dating or married to you.  … (A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Valentine Day’s Humor, Holiday Fun, Relationship Satire, Battle of the Sexes, Men and Women, Gift Humor, Romance Humor

Amusing Wine?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When experts say wine is amusing,
It’s a compliment. Ain’t that confusing?
Why laugh at a wine
If you think that it’s fine?
Methinks they do far too much boozing.

(My food and drink humor is collected here.) 

Technorati Tags: Wine Experts, Wine Humor, Amusing Wine, Drinking Humor, Liquor Humor

What is it about December 31st that spurs fantasies of self-reform? Is it too much food and drink? Seasonal exuberance? Lunacy induced by crowds?

Every December, otherwise rational people make resolutions meant to transform them into organized, addiction-free souls with clean houses, healthy bodies, wholesome relationships, perfect children, and career paths soaring to the top — the same vows they made last year and the year before that.

Can our resolutions endure past January 1st? Can we make it to year’s end without ripping up our lists? … (It Is Hereby Resolved is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: New Year’s Resolutions Humor, Husband-Wife Humor, Holiday Fun, Holiday Gifts, Funny Contracts

Ode To Prosperity
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The affluent prosper quite well,
As their savings continue to swell.
It is great to be rich.
Destitution’s a bitch.
You might say that it’s taxing as hell.

(My money and tax humor is collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Prosperity, Wealth, Affluence, Poverty, Destitution, Satire, Humor, Taxes

Ballsy Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Although males come equipped with two balls,
There are men who ain’t ballsy at all.
Folks with guts are quite rare,
And they don’t need a pair.
In fact, some gals are brimming with gall.

Technorati Tags: Male Anatomy, Balls, Ballsy,  Feminist Humor

There are few “fun” activities quite so vexing as the Office Christmas Party; that obligatory gathering of bosses and subordinates, cronies and rivals, back-stabbers and back-stabbees. Plus a horde of husbands and wives who spend the entire night planning their escape.

Every year you fantasize about sending an RSVP marked “Thanks, but no thanks.” Then you return to reality and break the news to your spouse. “It’ll be different this time,” you lie. “It’ll be fun.”

“I’ll go to yours, if you’ll go to mine,” your mate responds. “And you have to promise to behave.”

This brings us to the art of gaffe avoidance. After all, who isn’t but one faux pas from the unemployment line? Dodging the pitfalls of office party protocol can be a daunting challenge. But with the help of this agreement, you’ll survive yet another function with your job intact.

AGREEMENT entered into on ____________, by Husband and Wife (collectively referred to as “Couple”).

WHEREAS, Couple’s employers suffer from the delusion that Office Christmas Parties are good for morale;

WHEREAS, Couple, being sane individuals, would prefer to stay home; and

WHEREAS, although Couple can’t prove a connection, everyone who skipped last year’s bash is now unemployed; … ” (Office Party Follies is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Christmas Party Humor, Husband-Wife Humor, Holiday Fun, Office Holiday Parties, Funny Contracts

Unless you live on another planet, there are never enough hours in the day. But if you use these efficiency techniques, you can win that battle with time:

1. Always do at least two things at once. While showering, write a screenplay. While sorting laundry, invent a handy appliance for the home. While chatting on the phone with a dull acquaintance, take a nap.

2. Consolidate self-improvement routines. Exercise to learn-a-language tapes while watching watercolor videos. Not only will you save time, but you’ll have thin thighs for that trip to Le Musée du Louvre.

3. Buy a speaker-phone for your kitchen. You’ll be able to cook, vacuum, and knit dog-hair booties while you talk on the phone.

4. When you’re in the kitchen, post reminder notes on the fridge. (”It’s the laundry, stupid.”)

5. Group chores alphabetically. If you have to go to the pharmacy, combine your trip with errands beginning with the letter ‘P.’ …”  (Contending With Time is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Time Humor, Self-Help Satire, Household Chores, Time Management, Time Pressure, Multitasking, Self-Improvement, Efficiency Humor

My husband Mark and I have a weekend hideaway, a respite from the pace of New York City life. Our country haven is smaller than most; it was once optimistically measured at 400 square feet. In fact, it’s so petite that the very act of staying there more than a day without a single quarrel is persuasive proof of a sound relationship.

On a recent weekend there we were happily hiding out, luxuriating in nature, listening to the birds, and breathing in the fragrant non-New York City air. Suddenly, we were assaulted by a distinctly unpacific sound. No, not sundry talking heads screaming about Iraq. It was even worse than that. … (False Alarm is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Automobile Humor, Car Alarms, Country Living, Husband Humor, Modern Life, Contemporary Life, Technology Downside, Weekend Home, Vacation House

“Stop The Chaos!” screeches the magazine cover. “Take Control Of Your Cluttered Life!” Periodicals are packed with chaos-avoidance techniques. But do they work? Let’s see.

1. Awaken early, inspired by self-help articles to finally organize your life. Grab paper scrap and jot down all urgent chores. Admire list, savor it, enhance it with scribbled notes. Spill coffee, rendering list illegible. Then, lest you be tempted to do something that might garner a check mark, file list under “T” for “To Do.” … (How To Disorganize Your Life is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Self-Help, Health Satire, Media, Magazines, Finances,  Humorous How-To

If you’ve ever wondered exactly how the Wonderbra works, this ad provides a handy demonstration. (via)

And that gives me all the excuse I need to post my Wonderbra Song Parody:

Wonder of wonders.
Miracle of miracles.
Wonderbra can make you huge.

Wonder of wonders.
Wonderbra oh Wonderbra.
Lifts, shores up, and stacks your boobs.

Wonder of wonders.
Miracle of miracles.
Deepens cleavage on demand.

Wonder of wonders.
Wonderbra oh Wonderbra.
Scoops and swells your mammary glands.

The day I first tried on that bra.
That was a miracle.
That was a miracle.

They gaped and gawked and cheered “Hurrah!”
That was a miracle too.

But for all breasts be they large or small.
The most miraculous bra of all. … 

(My Wonderbra Song Parody is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Fashion Humor, Feminist Humor, Lingerie Humor, Wonderbra Humor, Bra Humor, Underwear Humor, Song Parodies, Battle of the Sexes, Social Satire

THOUGHTFUL INTERVIEW 

For a job applicant, an interview is to be sought, then dreaded, then endured. And managers rarely relish interviews any more than the trembling supplicant on the other side of their desk. So it’s probably just as well that people can’t read minds. If they could, most interviews would be aborted within 45 seconds:

INTERVIEWER: Good morning Mr. Jones. I’m so pleased that we’ve finally had a chance to meet. (This loser’s been clogging my voicemail and email with desperate messages.)

APPLICANT: It’s a pleasure to speak with you. (She’s been dodging my messages for weeks. I’ll never get this job.)

INTERVIEWER: George Smith recommended you highly. So naturally I reviewed your resume and gave you a call. (George is an idiot. Why is he wasting my time with this jerk?)

APPLICANT: I’ve known George for years, and he’s very familiar with my work. (George is an idiot — a well-connected idiot. And if he weren’t my wife’s brother, he wouldn’t give me the time of day.)

INTERVIEWER: So tell me something about yourself. (He must be a relative. God I hate this job.)

APPLICANT: Well, —- I have a highly diversified background — everything from computer programming, to teaching, to sales. (One of these days I’ll find something I’m good at.)

INTERVIEWER: Which of those fields best reflects your skills? (Just what we need around here — another jack-of-all-trades.) … (My Thoughtful Interview is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Career Humor, Work Humor, Office Humor, Interview Humor, Interpersonal Humor,  Financial Humor, Employment Humor, Unemployment Humor, Business Humor, Money Humor, Workplace Humor

Are you stressed out? A quivering blob of nerves? Are your muscles lodged in a permanent clench? Here’s what not to do:

1. Lie down on the floor with your knees bent and pointed upward. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. Take another deep breath. Wonder if that smell is gas.

2. Concentrate on your breathing, on releasing that stale, toxic, virulent energy trapped inside you. Feel your body begin to relax. Sense the tension seeping out of your shoulders and toes, your life force beginning to renew. Jump up to check the stove.

3. Resume the position. Resume breathing. Become obsessed by cobwebs on the ceiling.

4. Decide to play a relaxation CD. Your choices are “healing harps,” ocean waves, and whales. Wonder which best suits your persona. Whales remind you of sharks. Decide to go with the harps.

5. Lie down a third time, notice ceiling, slam eyelids shut. Breathe deeply, welcoming the return of your vital juices. I.n.h.a.l.e…t.w.o…t.h.r.e.e…f.o.u.r…E.x.h.a.l.e…t.w.o…t.h.r.e.e…f.o.u.r. Savor the rise and fall of your abdomen. Focus on the harps which remind you of angels which remind you of heaven which reminds you of hell which reminds you that maybe you should listen to something else. … De-Stress Or Distress is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: New Age, Health Humor, Mental Health, Stress Humor, Relaxation Humor, Tension Humor,  How-To Humor, New Age Humor, Meditation Humor, Holistic Humor, Self-Help Humor, Aromatherapy Humor

Do men and women communicate differently at work? Yes, according to proponents of the “men and women are from different galaxies” school of thought. Women are said to be self-effacing and apologetic. Men, on the other hand, are described as convincingly confident … even when they don’t have the slightest idea what they’re talking about.

Such generalizations can be dangerous, of course, and sometimes downright wrong. For instance I … forgive me for saying so … am a woman and I … uh … probably shouldn’t brag about this, but I … on admittedly rare occasions … sometimes manage to appear … uh … completely self-assured and … well … I probably shouldn’t waste your time on such a personal matter. In any event, I’m probably wrong.

Communication differences can be especially pronounced during business meetings. Especially those mind-numbingly “important” meetings where a gaggle of men and women perch and/or slouch around a conference table and discuss critical company issues like new products, marketing budgets, company picnics, and football scores. … (Those Unspeakable Meetings is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Work Humor, Career Humor, Office Humor, Men and Women, Communication Humor, Meetings Humor, Psychology Humor, Workplace Humor, Battle of the Sexes

You have to dot those i’s.
You’ve got to cross those t’s.
You have to seem so wise.
You must justify those fees.
And if you’re smart and lucky
You will turn your case around.
That’s what the law’s about.

You have to file those claims.
You’ve got to sue those stiffs.
You have to shift the blame,
With no ands or buts or ifs. …

(That’s What The Law’s About is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Lawyer Humor, Law Humor, Law Office Humor,  Litigation Humor,  Attorney Humor, Legal Humor, Litigation Humor

Finding a new job can be a daunting challenge. But if you follow my simple 21-step plan, you’ll soon be battling cranky alarm clocks, rush-hour traffic, and the “living for the weekend” daily grind.

1. Lose job.

2. Panic, freak out, and turn into a pulsating blob of hysteria. CAUTION: It’s best to do this at home — you’ll be wanting that reference.

3. Torture everyone you’ve ever met with your tale of woe. Bitch about your former boss, your boss’ boss, your lousy luck, the manipulative coworker who stole your job, the economy, and, of course, the world as we know it. Seriously consider buying a voodoo doll.

4. Perfect the art of sleeping late, parading about in slatternly garb, and doing absolutely nothing. Tell your spouse you spent the entire week working on your resume. When spouse says “Let me have a look,” say you’re still fine-tuning it.

5. Start working on resume. … (Working Stiffed is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Work Humor, Career Humor, Office Humor,   Job Loss Humor, Employment Humor, Unemployment Humor, Job Hunting Humor, Business Humor, Workplace Humor

The road to buying a house is paved with dwindling bank accounts, devious brokers, and home owners who (you hope) are desperate to sell. Yes, it’s a challenge. But with the help of these easy to follow instructions, you can negotiate your way into unthinkable debt:     

1. Decide you must buy a house because your present one is:
a. too small;
b. too large;
c. non-existent … (Hapless Home Buyer’s Guide is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Real Estate, House Buying, Home Buying Humor, Budget Humor, Mortgage Humor, Broker Humor, Bank Humor, Finance Humor, Money Humor

You praise my weblog
And I’ll mention your blog.
You link my weblog
And I’ll link to your blog
Weblog,
Your blog,
Weblog,
Your blog,
Let’s call the whole thing off.

You laud my rampage
On Bush’s last outrage.
You say I’m so sage,
Go check out my web page. …

(Bloggers’ Rhapsody is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Blogger Humor, Technology Humor, Blogging Humor, Computer Humor, Blog Related Humor, Blog Post Humor, Publicity Humor, Marketing Humor, Publicity Humor