Posts Tagged ‘Health Satire’

ADD Ode (Limerick)

Sunday, April 15th, 2007

For some reason, I almost forgot to post this: 

ADD Ode
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Hey, doc, have I got ADD?
My attention span’s short as can be.”
“Take this test, and we’ll know
If you have it, although…”
“If I’ve what?” “ADD, sir.” You see? 

Give Me A Break

Monday, April 9th, 2007

Give Me A Break!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The play was quite talky and lacked
Something crucial. It had but one act.
What was missing, you say?
Not one break in that play!
While they blathered, my bladder was racked.

Ode To Unselfishness

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007

Ode to Unselfishness
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband is great—good as gold.
And there’s no one more giving, all told.
He’s benevolent, caring,
Unselfish, and sharing.
Don’t believe me? He gave me this cold. 

How To Become An Insomniac

Monday, November 13th, 2006

Becoming an insomniac isn’t as easy as it might appear. But with the help of these guidelines, dark circles and a cranky disposition will soon be yours.

1. Be born into a family of worriers. (Certain ethnic groups have the advantage here, but won’t be identified for obvious reasons.)

2. During your infancy, become accustomed to dozing in serene silence, a state you will never encounter as an adult.

3. Have parents so desperate for peace and quiet, that they routinely send you to bed hours before you feel even a hint of fatigue. This will allow you to develop helpful habits like gazing at the ceiling, counting sheep, and plotting revenge.

4. Cultivate your neuroses. A dedicated would-be insomniac will work on this throughout the day. But if time is limited, performing any of these activities right before bedtime should do the trick: … (How To Become An Insomniac is continued here.)

Attention Wal-Mart … Patients? (Limerick)

Thursday, October 19th, 2006

Attention, Wal-Mart … Patients?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Wal-Mart is marketing health care
Via clinics in stores. Near the hardware?
You can call me a cynic,
But Wal-Mart based clinics?
My prescription is “Patients Beware.”

Ode To Genetically Altered Cats (Limerick)

Monday, October 9th, 2006

If you’re a feline fan who’s very allergic to cats (as I am) and you’re very rich (as I’m not,) scientists have come to your rescue with genetically altered cats:

Ode To Genetically Altered Cats
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Do cats make you suffer and wheeze?
There’s a cure for some real hefty fees:
A kitty whose genes
Are swept allergen clean.
You can kiss and it won’t make you sneeze.

How To Disorganize Your Life

Monday, September 25th, 2006

“Stop The Chaos!” screeches the magazine cover. “Take Control Of Your Cluttered Life!” Periodicals are packed with chaos-avoidance techniques. But do they work? Let’s see.

1. Awaken early, inspired by self-help articles to finally organize your life. Grab paper scrap and jot down all urgent chores. Admire list, savor it, enhance it with scribbled notes. Spill coffee, rendering list illegible. Then, lest you be tempted to do something that might garner a check mark, file list under “T” for “To Do.”

2. Forget where you left list. Start new one, grow bored, take shower instead. Dash through house naked and wet in search of clean towel. Try to start a wash. Realize you left detergent off list.

3. Check if you’re low on other cleaning supplies. Notice several empty containers squandering space under sink. Yank everything out of storage and strew on floor. Resolve to rearrange cabinets once you’ve looked at mail.

4. Retrieve bills, ads, alarming bank statement from mail box. Hunt for check register and fail to find it. You never find it … which is why you haven’t made an entry since the Eighties.

5. Decide bank info must be buried in your bag or briefcase. Dump contents of both onto table and chase renegade coins. Smooth every particle of crumpled paper. Use magnifying glass to decipher contents. Take your time; any fragment could be a clue to your deficit balance.

6. Find nothing that sheds light on finances. Decide bank’s probably right. Stuff papers back into bags … just in case.

7. Forage through remaining mountain of debris. Find 97 pennies and count them twice. Hunt for coin wrappers. Start third list.

8. Spill pennies into already stuffed drawer. Resume foraging. Find stale stick of gum, half eaten candy bar, rusty key, crud-encrusted tissues, and several items you’ve never seen before. Attempt to throw out. Add garbage bags to list… (How To Disorganize Your Life is continued here.)