Limerick-Off Award (276)

April 29th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BOB KILLIAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

POST NO BILLS was the sign I found queer;
I was mailing no beaks, that was clear.
Said the cop, “Understand,
It’s your gluepot that’s banned,
This here ad’s what you cannot add here.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Temptation-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“The casino,” she said, “will be fun;
I could just play one round and be done…”
And she won — thirty grand! —
But lost all, the next hand.
That’s temptation. You can’t stop at “won.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

On a tour of St. Peter’s in Rome,
Van Gogh told the guide in the Dome:
“Roman friend, I can’t hear;
Could you lend me your ear?
I seem to have left mine at home.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Judith H. Block, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Ryan Tilley, Jesse Frankovich, Richard Campbell, Byron Ives, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HEAR/HERE/ADHERE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TEMPTATION LIMERICKS)

Marty Gerendasy:

With a wink and a smile, he said “Dear,
Don’t be nervous, come on over here.”
He was one of those guys
Gals avoid if they’re wise,
’Cause that sweet smile was really a leer.

Judith H. Block:

There once was a guy without peer,
Who drove his gal wild, so I hear.
With his tongue, very skilled,
All her needs were fulfilled.
And I don’t mean he tickled her ear.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEAR/HERE/ADHERE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

“What’s a lim’rick?” I asked, not quite clear
On the form or its rules. ’Twould appear
It’s a verse of five lines
Wrought by dark, twisted minds —
Which I’ve gathered by hanging out here.

David Reddekopp:

A healer I saw on TV
Could heal by a simple decree.
He’s a man without peer,
He would make the blind hear,
And would also cause deaf men to see.

Dave Johnson’s “FOX News internal memo”

You ladies have nothing to fear;
O’Reilly is no longer here.
Now Roger and Bill
Have been fired, but still –
Looking sexy will help your career.

Will T. Laughlin:

He stared at the sign. YOU ARE HERE,
Said the map.
            Then he started in fear,
As the words by the dot
Changed to: NO, YOU ARE NOT.
Not a soul saw the man disappear.

Brian Allgar:

This cling film* is useless, I fear.
It will stick to itself, that is clear;
To my fingers it’s glued,
But to plates full of food
The stuff simply will not adhere.

*British term for plastic wrap

Ryan Tilley:

My Alexa is finally here.
She can answer my questions with cheer,
And her limericks bite
With a meter that’s tight,
But I use her to order a beer!

Jesse Frankovich:

Richard’s doctor, quite shocked, said, “Oh, dear!
There’s a burrowing rodent in here!
And to make matters worse,
It won’t move in reverse.
Seems the gerbil is stuck in this Gere.”

Tim James:

Being president’s hard, it’s now clear,
And Trump yearns for his former career.
Our Dear Leader’s a mope.
But at least there’s some hope:
After one hundred days … we’re still here.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEMPTATION LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

“Eat this apple,” encouraged the Snake;
“It’s a boring Commandment to break,
But believe me, my dears —
In a few thousand years,
You’ll be sinning with chocolate cake!”

Tim James:

St. Augustine started to pray
When he saw a fine babe on display.
“Fornication’s a sin;
But that bod, for the win!
Make me chaste, Lord — just, please, not today.”

Richard Campbell:

Her assets were clearly defined,
And to miss them I’d have to be blind.
“Could I tempt you, my pet?
A night NOT to forget?”
The Mace was a clue she’d declined.

Will T. Laughlin:

I want to — but really, I shouldn’t.
I oughtn’t. Believe me, I wouldn’t.
I mustn’t. I can’t;
No, I certainly shan’t…
(I just did it). How could I? I couldn’t.

Byron Ives:

She flashed ample cleavage to Keith,
And he longed for what beckoned beneath.
Then a look from his wife
Convinced him that life
Would remain much more pleasant with teeth.

David Reddekopp:

There once was a quiet young birder,
Who snapped and she shot and they heard her;
From her head to her toes
Came the pecking of crows.
She should not have, uh, tempted a murder.

Dave Johnson

A rancher’s hot daughter from Brewster
Was swayed when a cowboy seduced her.
They rolled in the hay,
Then he went on his way;
The only cock left was a rooster.

Suzanne Heymann:

Please don’t leadeth me into temptation.
I can findeth it, don’t need salvation.
I’ve been given false hope
From the priest to the pope
For as long as they grope God’s creation.

So I think I can cope with “damnation”
Just for living a life of elation.
Since the days of my youth
I have searched, found the truth
With the fire of a sleuth’s dedication.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Out Of Whack Fashion (Limerick)

April 25th, 2017

Headline of the Day: “For $425, Nordstrom will sell you a pair of dirty jeans.”

Pricey fashion (to me) doesn’t track,
And much of it makes my jaws slack,
Such as pre-muddied jeans;
Yes, people with means
Can buy ’em at Nordstrom, alack!

A Holiday For Haiku? (Limerick)

April 17th, 2017

“Haiku Poetry Day?” That sounds lame!
And redundancy’s surely to blame.
Be concise! That’s no vice;
Won’t “Haiku Day” suffice?
Terse verses deserve a short name.

Happy Haiku Poetry Day! (April 17)

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Hear/Here/Adhere at the end of any one line

April 15th, 2017

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Hear/Here/Adhere at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to Temptation, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Temptation-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 30, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 29, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

Our boss has been fired. Hear, hear!
And nobody’s shedding a tear.
Seems adhering to rules
Is (to him) just for fools,
So he leered at the wrong lady’s rear.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (275)

April 15th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER a/k/a ERROL NIMBLY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

At noon, if you see us drift by,
In my hot air balloon on the fly,
I’ll be serving a luncheon.
It’s quiche we’ll be munchin’.
We’re eating a pie in the sky.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Clumsiness-Themed Limerick Award for this PAIR of funny limericks. Please note that this is a 2-in-1 limerick. One limerick is centered and in bold, and the other is in italics, half to the left and half to the right of his bold-faced limerick.

You idiot! WatchI’m a klutz. But I’m truly contrite, where you’re going!
I believe an apoSo I’ll hide on this Limerick site.logy’s owing,
You oaf. You’ve Since the writers are agile, reversed
Into where I verAnd nothing here’s fragilesed first…
Now this limeriI can’t damage anything — right?ck’s wrecked, and needs towing.

Congratulations to JESSE FRANKOVICH, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this “acrostic” limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Kicked a table and let out a yell;
Lost my balance and awkwardly fell.
Unaware it was there,
Thumped my head on a chair.
Zapped myself with a taser, as well!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Suzanne Heymann, Kathleen Bartoletti, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Jeanine Silverio, Jesse Frankovich, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Sharon Neeman, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “Buy/Bye/By/Bi” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CLUMSINESS LIMERICKS)

Suzanne Heymann:

If you think you are smooth when you bellow,
Just remember, you really are yellow.
You’re a scared, clumsy guy.
You think ‘tough’ gets you by.
You’re a bull-in-a-china-shop fellow!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Buy/Bye/By/Bi” RHYME DIVISION)

Kathleen Bartoletti:

He said crossly, “My throat’s going dry,
Come on, Kathy, it’s your turn to buy;”
But while quaffing his Bud
He fell down in the mud,
So I toasted, “Here’s mud in your eye!”

Brian Allgar:

They sneered when I said I would buy
A fat pig, and then teach it to fly.
“Are you crazy?” they laughed,
“Pigs with wings? Are you daft?”
I pointed to Trump, flying high.

Marty Gerendasy:

There was a young lady named Vi
Who was proudly and openly bi.
So she wasn’t upset
When the man that she met
Confessed that he wasn’t a guy.

Jeanine Silverio:

She said with a sad heartfelt sigh:
“I just have to ask ‘Are you bi?’”
I took in those lips
And incredible hips
And I told her, “You’ve just turned me ‘try.’”

Jesse Frankovich:

When the love of my life said goodbye,
For a while I did little but cry.
Then I longed for a do
With a new style and hue—
I just wanted to curl up and dye.

Fred Bortz:

He’ll sleep with a gal or a guy,
And he’ll pay to escape when they try
His case in the court,
Saying “Judge, be a sport.
Let this guy who is bi buy a bye.”

Tim James, for his A Christian’s Lament:

I think that I’ll now say goodbye
To my boss, who’s a miserable guy.
All my colleagues at work
Said “Shove off!” to this jerk.
And the name of the dude? William Bligh.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLUMSINESS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

An airline showed clumsy PR.
And their customer service? Bizarre.
If you’re not in first class,
They just might kick your ass.
If you’re not into pain, go by car.

Konrad Schwoerke:

There once was a charmer named Ed
Who could get any babe into bed.
Was he accident-prone
With these chicks he would bone?
’Cause I heard he kept knocking ’em dead.

David Reddekopp:

There once was a man from Dubai
Who gave Kama Sutra a try.
With creative coitions
And parlous positions,
He managed to poke out an eye.

Sharon Neeman:

My very first date was a klutz!
He would fidget and fumble and futz,
And while walking and joking
Where people were smoking,
He’d always bump into their butts.

Will T. Laughlin:

He was awkward, and trembled with fear
As he tried to unhook her brassiere.
Soon her straps got so mangled
And twisted and tangled
They’d baffle a trained engineer.

He wrestled and pulled, but his fits
Just further entangled his mitts.
So she fought him, and struck him…
But though she’s unstuck him,
I fear he’s rotated her tits.

Byron Ives:

Of her dressmaking skills she had doubt.
“I sew like an oaf!” she would pout.
Her hubby said, “Chill,
It’s a cheap piece of twill,
And nothing worth hemming about.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Fitting A Limerick On Twitter Ain’t Easy!

April 9th, 2017

Oy! The contortions I had to go through to fit a meta-limerick about NPR’s poetry-tweet contest into a tweet!

I HATE the 140-character (including hashtag) limit! GRRR!

This limerick looked perfectly normal before I was forced to alter it to fit into a tweet: (It even had proper punctuation, spelling, and spacing.)

I’ve poetry news:Tweet ur verse
4 NPR glory;No purse
So dont curse.Just compoz
Ur poems,not proz
&remember that TwitterMeansTERSE

#NPRPoetry

Birthday Misadventure (3-verse Limerick)

April 6th, 2017

This is how my brother Arthur’s birthday began today, translated by me into a 3-verse limerick:

Loud sounds woke you up with a fright.
Did a drummer come visit at night?
Seems your exercise pool
Somehow drained. A mere drool
Of water is left. What a sight!

Even worse, it has emptied indoors,
And that noise is your pump at its chores.
Now you MUST figure out
How to stop it without
A bad shock. When it rains, it sure pours.

I’m so sorry your birthday began
In a manner you never would plan.
Happy birthday, dear bro!
I wrote this to show
There’s a way to make home mishaps scan.

Happy birthday, Arthur!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Buy/Bye/By/Bi at the end of any one line

April 1st, 2017

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Buy/Bye/By/Bi at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to Clumsiness, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Clumsiness-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 16, 2017 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 15, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here are my TWO limericks:

We are trying to find a good buy
On a car, and we’re desperate. Why?
Cuz our Camry was drowned,
And drenched engines (we’ve found)
Don’t rebound but, instead, fry and die.

and

A cute-looking man sauntered by,
Spun around and returned, saying “hi.”
Then he lured me with lore,
Stories hard to ignore,
And I ended up wed to the guy.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (274)

April 1st, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JESSE FRANKOVICH, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Concentration is what you’ll require
If you’re searing some sirloins with fire
On a towering grill
On the top of a hill,
For the steaks will have never been higher.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special POWER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

That Greedy Old Party in power
Keeps screwing the poor by the hour.
Those cretinous heels
Want to crash Meals on Wheels
So the rich can have more to devour.

Congratulations to MARTY GERENDASY, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

It was dark down at Joe’s Bar and Grill.
Not a sound. It was perfectly still.
Had to kill Happy Hour;
They’d lost all their power.
Must remember to pay that damned bill!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Chris Gross, Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Kathleen Bartoletti, Jeanine Silverio, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRILL-Rhyme DIVISION)

Chris Gross:

You remember the nursery rhyme drill,
When two kids took a stroll up a hill?
Seems that Jack tumbled down
And broke off his new crown,
After Jill got all up in his grill.

Brian Allgar:

“As a chef, I am great!” was his boast.
“I can cook the books better than most.
Though I don’t have the skill
To put bread on the grill,
I can turn the whole country to toast.”

Sharon Neeman:

No, I’m not being rude, Auntie Jill.
Yes, you are a good driver… but still,
If you must hit a cop,
You’d be wiser to stop
Displaying his pants on your grille!

Tim James:

A man at the town bar and grill
Ate and drank with abandon until
He took note of his weight.
Then he planned his estate,
Proving where there’s a weigh there’s a will.

Brian Allgar:

The whale, a baleen, had a grille
To filter the plankton and krill,
But she ran out of luck
The day Jonah got stuck
And she just couldn’t swallow the pill.

Kathleen Bartoletti:

The scene: a spring day, warm and still;
Two lovers, and meat on the grill;
Just as things start to sizzle,
Rain starts with a drizzle
And fizzles their afternoon thrill.

Sharon Neeman:

Come over! There’s steak on the grill,
And beer and martinis. Come chill!
One catch: our discussion
Can NOT mention “Russian,”
“The travel ban,” “golf” or “The Bill.”

Jeanine Silverio:

Never felt I was over the hill
(Though I’m bald and lost most of my grill),
Up until summer break
When I barbecued steak;
Now it’s fall and I’m gumming it still.

Fred Bortz’s Patio Store Confidential

Hissed the barbecue spit, “Please be still,
Or you’ll never grow up as a grill!
The humans can’t know
That at night, we all glow.”
The hibachi responded, “I will!”

From the pool section came a reply.
“I’ll protect her. Lord knows, I will try.
She brings me such joy,
Because I am a buoy
Who loves grills. That I cannot deny.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (POWER-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

He had finally got her alone
When the power went out. With a moan,
He discovered that night
She was quite a delight —
For his circuits weren’t all that got blown.

Kirk Miller:

A snow storm left people without
Any power, so folks are no doubt
Neither cheered nor consoled
When it’s bitterly cold
Hearing: “Have an ice day and chill out.”

Dave Johnson:

The power of FAUX News upset her.
(You’ll notice there’s one extra letter.)
And yes, I agree
There should only be three;
Removing the “A” makes it better.

Sharon Neeman:

In this dark and, yes, desperate hour,
Looking up at the lights of Trump Tower,
I remember with dread
What George Orwell once said:
“The object of power is power.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: GRILL/GRILLE at the end of any one line

March 18th, 2017

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using GRILL/GRILLE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to POWER, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best POWER-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 2, 2017 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 1, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

When I tried to return a gas grill,
I felt burned when the owner said “Chill!”
So I countered with heat:
“It won’t light! You’re a cheat!
“Take it back, or you’ll soon need a will.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (273)

March 18th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, which is both a “Bust” limerick and a Confusion-themed limerick. Brian calls it Donald’s Dilemma:

“It’s confusing when driven by lust,
And choosing just leaves me non-plussed.
Is it tits I should hold,
Or go straight for the gold?
My dilemma – Grab pussy, or bust.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Confusion-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

March 11th, when going to bed,
Do I set the clock back, or ahead?
It’s confusing as hell —
But I’ve solved it quite well:
Throw the clock out the window instead!

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for her limerick saga, which received the most Facebook “likes.” (Suzanne swears it’s a true story.)

When my sister (the eldest) was born,
From the birth my poor mother was worn.
Doctor spanked the babe’s bum,
Checked her health, and then some—
Got returned to her mum the same morn.

When she lifted the blanket to feed her,
The feelings of shock did stampede her;
A boy was inside!
My poor mum almost died,
As the nurses had tried to mislead her.

The confusion and screams that would follow
Were much more than the woman could swallow.
The real babe they did bring
To which Momma did cling,
Their apologies ringing quite hollow.

Well, my mum and the nurses conversed,
Then in laughter together immersed;
Any punishment draped
On the nurses escaped
’Cause that day – it was April the first!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Sharon Neeman, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Mike Moulton, Sue Dulley, Kathleen Bartoletti, Dave Johnson, Diane Groothuis, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: BUST-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CONFUSION-Themed LIMERICKS)

Fred Bortz:

Two teens, so confused by their lust,
Feel desire where once was disgust.
Their organs a-tingle,
They meld and they mingle.
(It started when she grew a bust.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BUST/BUSSED/ROBUST” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

The stripper believed it unjust
That her gin joint was raided. It must
Have been something to see:
She’s a 42-D,
And the cops thought it quite a good bust.

David Reddekopp:

His regime fills us all with disgust,
And when we resist, as we must,
Then Trump’s all a-twitter;
He’s boorish and bitter.
That blowhard’s about to combust.

Sharon Neeman:

Oh I’m terribly piqued and upset!
We were shopping, and I asked Jeannette,
“Does this flatter my bust?”
She replied with disgust,
“Well… flatter, it just couldn’t get.”

Ken Gosse:

Such a robust bust had to be bussed.
Long before she arrived it was thrust
Like the bow of a ship
On a very long trip;
With Leviathan ribs it was trussed.

Suzanne Heymann:

At a pool, where the D-cups are brimmin’,
The men cannot focus on swimmin’.
As they ogle each bust,
Something grows and they lust
Behind speedos, disgusting the women.

Brian Allgar:

The hooker was very robust,
And would bonk them with thrust after thrust.
Then, with knot-maker’s science,
She’d tie up her clients
And rob them. Her street-name? “Miss Trussed.”

Mike Moulton:

Said Pence, “The assertion’s a bust
That a wall on the border’s a must.
Any wall that we phase-in
Will keep all the gays in,
Which is something we haven’t discussed.”

Sue Dulley:

In my mother’s youth, life was unjust.
Three measurements, hips, waist and bust
Were called Vital Statistics;
These characteristics
Could generate lust or disgust.

Kathleen Bartoletti:

“He cried, “I must fondle your bust!”
She replied, “if you must, then you must.”
As he reached out, expectant,
She sprayed disinfectant.
He fled, both in pain and disgust.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONFUSION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

His fans have a weird sense of mirth;
They cheer as he slashes their worth.
Confusing? Try this:
If ign’rance is bliss,
They’re the happiest people on earth.

Tim James, for his “Wire Tapp Crapp”

There was never much doubt. Now we’re sure
Kellyanne and Sean’s motives are pure.
Their prime occupation:
Complete obfuscation.
It’s years since I’ve seen such manure.

Dave Johnson:

Having met in a line at the store,
They went up to her place for some more.
The night was sublime
Till that moment in time
When he asked, “Have I been here before?”

Diane Groothuis:

An Irishman people called Mick
Was really incredibly thick,
And confused most of all
By three spades ’gainst a wall,
When they told him to go take his pick.

Byron Ives:

If you vow you won’t cuss, did you swear?
Two Bartletts, are they not a pair?
If your pants become torn
Is it ’cause they’re well worn?
If the bus costs you more is it fare?

Is an athlete from France called a jacques?
Is a fly without wings called a walk?
If, with no arms, you’re born,
Would you still enjoy porn?
Is a tube filled with gooey stuff, caulk?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BUST, BUSSED, or ROBUST at the end of any one line

March 5th, 2017

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BUST, BUSSED, or ROBUST at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CONFUSION, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CONFUSION-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 19, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 18, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

An upper crust fellow went bust,
And cussed as he tried to adjust
To his new lack of money;
He’d trusted his “honey,”
But was screwed and undone by his lust.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (272)

March 5th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

When the cruise liner started to list
The cook had a mishap. The gist:
He fell right on a knife.
It was quite late in life
For a man to be suddenly brissed.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special LAZINESS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Fred Bortz:

“My vehicle license expired,”
Said the biker. “It’s just not desired.
I could have renewed it.
By choice, I eschewed it.
Too lazy? No, simply two-tired.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Now, what should I do with my time?
To waste it would be such a crime.
Though Everest tempts me,
My nature exempts me –
I just can’t be bothered to climb.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Sharon Neeman, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LIST/ENLIST” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

When I think of the dates I have missed,
All those things left undone, I insist
I must write them all down,
But I stop with a frown
When I reach “Number 1: make a list.”

Fred Bortz:

The Italian man reads from a list
Of women he’s pleased to have kissed:
“I married a few
And divorced all but two.
My brain’s in a fog (big-a mist).”

Dave Johnson:

Some management suck-ups insist
On a method to move up the list.
They’re climbing the charts
By clinging to parts
Of executive asses they kissed.

David Reddekopp:

A man who had once made a list
Of all of the girls he has kissed
Had now, as his aim
To ignite an old flame;
He was going to try for a tryst.

His advances were quickly dismissed;
When he asked them, they only got pissed.
And now he is lonely;
It’s him and him only
And all he has left is his wrist.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LAZINESS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

No computer for Conrad; instead,
He did staggering sums in his head!
All were shocked at the ease —
Till one teacher snapped “He’s
Just too lazy to get out of bed.”

Will T. Laughlin:

Procrastinate? Me? Heavens, no —
Although I’m infernally slow,
The word for my wait
Should be “Am-crastinate”
(I’m too lazy to ever go Pro).

Fred Bortz:

I’m sure that this lim’s gonna win,
As certain as I’ve ever been.
Could it lose? I’d say never;
It’s ever so clever.
Except I’m too lazy to fin.

Sharon Neeman:

To my clock as I set it to “Snooze”
(Never quite for as long as I’d choose):
“I’m not lazy, you pest;
I am effing depressed;
So would you be, if you read the news!”

Brian Allgar:

They told me “You should write a sonnet;
Proper poets have all undergone it.”
Fourteen lines? Are you crazy?
No way, I’m too lazy.
Now, limericks – five lines, I’m on it.

Dave Johnson:

In my cubicle, everything’s fine;
The chair is all set to recline.
This morning’s been tough
And I’ve just had enough;
It’s already a quarter to nine.

Will T. Laughlin:

Sure, I’m fond of that yellowing Note
Our political ancestors wrote;
And good schools. And clean air.
And a system that’s fair.
But I just can’t be bothered to vote.

What’s that? Did you call me a jerk,
And say that my duty I shirk?
That I loaf? I malinger?
I’d give you the finger,
If lifting it wasn’t such work.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Happy Quiet Day! (Limerick)

February 25th, 2017

I’d hoped that a “Quiet Day” tude
Might mend my disquieted mood.
But alas, there’s no movement —
No sign of improvement.
The culprit? That bad White House Dude!

In My Humble Opinion (Limerick)

February 22nd, 2017

Here’s a statement that strikes me as rot:
“I am humbled.” We hear it a lot
From pols getting named
To some honor. It’s aimed
To make them seem modest. They’re not!

Happy Be Humble Day!

Thoughtful Limerick

February 22nd, 2017

If you’d like to come off as well read
And appear to have thoughts in your head,
Say “Je pense, donc je suis.”
One more thing, and it’s key:
Be prepared to explain what you’ve said.

Happy World Thinking Day.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LIST or ENLIST at the end of any one line

February 19th, 2017

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using LIST or ENLIST at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LAZINESS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LAZINESS-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 5, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 4, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

While at work, I created a list
Of reasons I’m listless and pissed.
When it grew rather long,
I blissed out on a bong,
Until caught doing wrong and dismissed.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (271)

February 19th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Will T. Laughlin:

There’s a fellow I met in the street
Whose phrasebook’s a tad incomplete.
When he comes up to greet you
And say, “Pleased to meet you…”
It comes out: “I pleasure your meat!”

I tried to correct the man — twice —
But he just wouldn’t heed my advice.
“PLEASED. TO. MEET. YOU.” I said;
He just nodded his head,
And continued: “Your meat, it is nice!”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Battle of the Sexes-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

They met at the Amazon store;
Excited, she opted for more.
But later that night
As she reached for the light,
Alexa yelled “Show him the door!”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

His guests felt the welcoming heat
Of the barbecue. “What will we eat?
“Kebabs!” Vlad would jest
While impaling each guest,
For they were supplying the meat.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David Reddekopp, Richard Campbell, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Michael Moulton, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Suzanne Heymann, and Sharon Neeman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: MEAT/MEET/METE RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BATTLE of the SEXES LIMERICKS)

David Reddekopp:

A father was trying to cheat,
So his wife had some justice to mete.
The next day, the news read,
“Deadbeat Dad is Beat Dead.”
For her crime, an electrified seat.

Richard Campbell:

On 2/10, if we happen to meet,
And I find you both sexy and sweet,
I’ll not call right away,
So I don’t have to pay
For a big-ticket Valentine’s treat.

Dave Johnson:

A butcher named Bud thinks he’s neat;
That women just fall at his feet.
But he found out from Jill
That without his blue pill,
There’s no market for Bud’s boneless meat.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MEAT/MEET/METE RHYME DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

At a long-distance runners retreat,
They discussed how to win every meet.
Finish first (Boy, oh Boy!)–
That’s victorious joy.
If you’re last, there’s the pain of de-feet.

Mike Moulton:

Did Trump and his match finally meet
When a judge without missing a beat,
Said, “Your ban is now void.
If that leaves you annoyed,
Then knock yourself out with a tweet.”

Brian Allgar, in which Titus Andronicus invites the Empress Tamora to dinner:

“Can’t resist, though my diet forbids,”
Said Tamora, “those puff-pastry lids,
And your pies are so sweet,
With such fresh, tender meat . . .”
He explained they contained her own kids.

Marty Gerendasy:

A lass with a smile oh so sweet
Sold her “wares” to each guy that she’d meet.
But her efforts soon failed
And she found herself jailed.
Never mess with a cop on the beat!

Suzanne Heymann:

The grocery chain called to greet
The new meat vendor, just down the street.
Now the payment’s complete
Per the butcher’s receipt,
So he’ll mete out the meat when they meet.

Fred Bortz:

The President said in a tweet
“When Vladimir comes for a meet,
Flynn and I will be gushin’.
We love all things Russian
Like borscht, whether cabbage or beet.”

That story’s, of course, incomplete.
Flynn’s now gone from his comfortable seat,
And Spicer, that worm,
Has to spin it and squirm
While the press holds his feet to the heat.

I wish I could say this is sweet,
But revenge is not always a treat.
There’s no joy, I confess,
When our country’s a mess.
We’re living the pain of defeat.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BATTLE of the SEXES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Richard Campbell:

On Twitter, he’d woo and he’d ply ’er
With promises — things he would buy ’er.
But now that they’ve met,
She’s beset with regret.
It’s quite clear he’s a lecherous liar!

Dave Johnson:

While texting an amorous friend,
She shouldn’t have quickly hit “send.”
Because autofill wrote
That he looked like a goat
Which, alas, may have started the end.

Sharon Neeman:

She may well have invented the spark
That woke the world out of the dark,
But although she’s gone far,
Men still look at her car
And assume she can’t parallel park.

Dave Johnson:

A couple quite often would fight
In the morning, or later at night.
With no cuddles or pecks,
The one mention of sex:
“Screw you” as she turned out the light.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Meet or Meat or Mete at the end of any one line

February 4th, 2017

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Meet or Meat or Mete at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to the Battle of the Sexes, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Battle of the Sexes-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on February 19, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 18, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

After coming in first at the meet,
The winner announced, “I am beat!”
This bewildered the crowd
Which, till then, had been wowed:
What victor proclaims his defeat?

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (270)

February 4th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

His horn-rims, bow tie and slicked hair
Are so retro that people just stare.
He’s been growing rotund-er,
Which leads me to wonder
How someone so round can be square.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special DISHONESTY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Dear Kelly Ann Conway: I swear
On my best day, I never would dare
To tap-dance like you,
Claiming something is true.
Admiringly yours,
— Fred Astaire.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, J Cosmo Newbery, Brian Allgar, Wendy Playter, Will T. Laughlin, Tim James,
Richard Campbell, Sharon Neeman, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (STARE/STAIR RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson

She stood by the uppermost stair;
Then rode down the banister bare.
Her lover’s surmise
From the look in her eyes:
“She’s warming my dinner with care.”

J Cosmo Newbery:

When Godiva paraded, all bare,
The townsfolk agreed not to stare.
But temptation was steep,
And young Tom took a peep,
Then swore he’d just looked at her hair.

Brian Allgar:

When your gaze is a menacing stare,
And your small, piggy eyes seem to glare,
And your mouth is agape –
No, you’re not a Great Ape,
Just the POTUS they’re calling “Mein Herr”.

Wendy Playter:

A classic rock fan named Janelle
Went down to her basement, but fell.
Her Led Zeppelin flair
Was smashed on the stair,
And now it’s a stairway to hell.

Will T. Laughlin:

World leaders continue to stare
At the man with the ludicrous hair:
They find it bewild’rin’
That refugee children
Give Trump such a pants-wetting scare.

Tim James:

When he and his bride tied the knot
Their relations were frequent and hot.
They made love on the stair.
Standing up. In a chair.
The result: a bad back is his lot.

Richard Campbell:

The mountain path rose like a stair,
But it led to a grizzly bear’s lair.
What I did not foresee
Was that good-tasting me
Would become that damn bear’s dinner fare.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DISHONESTY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Alternative facts are so crass!
Their users lack wit, sense and class —
But oh, how they’ll grieve
When the web that they weave
Trips them up and they fall on their (_|_)!

Tim James:

I suspect that Trump lies when he speaks
About Vlad and the lev’rage he seeks.
“Money, hookers and pee?
He’s got nothing on me!”
Pity Trump; he’s been damaged by leaks.

Kirk Miller:

Politicians have tried to disguise
Their false statements, a ploy I despise.
They’re not alternate facts
Or fake news. Each distracts
From the truth. They are just simply lies!

Will T. Laughlin: (Be sure to click on his line 5 link for the translation and Russian pronunciation.)

“Mr. Trump? We have all heard you bellow
That you don’t enjoy showers of yellow.
But the truth must be told:
Are you Russian-controlled?”
Said Trump: “это не твое дело!”

Sharon Neeman:

Trumpty Dumpty, he ran on a wall;
He said Mexico’d pay, I recall —
But that orange-haired liar
Set OUR pants on fire
By making us pay for it all.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!