Archive for the ‘Battle of the Sexes’ Category
Tuesday, June 5th, 2007
My husband Mark and I were never meant to own a motor boat. Why not? Any couple who can’t figure out how to open their car hood, should probably stick to something propelled by oars. And we surely would have done just that, had the prior owner of our weekend home not made it a package deal. If we wanted his irresistible house, we’d have to spring for his 120 horse power boat — perfect for anyone whose idea of relaxation is charging across a rocky three mile lake at the speed of screams.
OUR FIRST TIME OUT: My husband — a man who can build a wood stove fire in a flash, who whips up gourmet feasts in fifteen languages — couldn’t figure out how to unhook the boat’s cover. Refusing my help, he struggled for an hour. Victorious at last he hurled the cover off, in the process spilling gallons of water all over the boat.
By then I was ready to bail out. But Mark handed me a pail, and we spent the next 45 minutes heaving water overboard. Once all the water was safely under the boat, it was time to begin boating. I optimistically climbed onto our 16 footer, while my husband worked the knots from ashore. A former boy scout, he did this rather well. So well, that the boat (free at last) started to drift without him. …. (Motor Boating Just Isn’t Our Speed continues here.)
Tags: Boating Humor, Husband Wife Humor, Motor Boating, Outdoor Activity Humor, Outdoor Fun, Outdoor Sports, Water Activities
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Family & Relatives Humor, Hobbies Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Outdoors Humor, Recreation & Fun Humor, Sports Humor | 5 Comments »
Monday, May 21st, 2007
No Sweat Divorce (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“My husband and I are estranged,”
Said the wife, “’cause he acts so deranged.
His behavior’s aberrant
And vexingly errant.
I wish he could just be exchanged.”
(Can you imagine if divorce were as easy as shopping? And no, this isn’t autobiographical … although I do enjoying poking fun at my wonderful husband from time to time.)
Tags: Divorce Humor, Husband and Wife Humor Shopping Humor, Marriage Satire
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Behavior & Personality, Family & Relatives Humor, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Marriage Humor, Relationship Humor | 6 Comments »
Friday, March 23rd, 2007
Chafing At “Chick”
By Madeleine Begun Kane
When a guy calls a woman a chick,
It may strike me as sexist and sick.
But my comments are tame;
Unless Richard’s his name,
I’m polite and I DON’T call him “dick.”
Tags: Feminism Humor, Male Female Relationships, Men Women, Sexism Humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Feminist Satire, Limericks, Relationship Humor, Social Satire | 4 Comments »
Tuesday, March 13th, 2007
Belated Apology
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“Your apology’s rather belated,”
Said the gal to a fellow she hated.
“Your delay makes me fear
That it isn’t sincere—
You still had your hair when we dated!”
*****
UPDATE: October 14 is Be Bald And Free Day.
Tags: Apologies Humor, Baldness Humor, Be Bald And Free Day, Dating Satire, Hair Humor, Men and Women Verse, October Holidays, Odd Holidays, Romance Humor
Posted in Aging Humor & Verse, Apology Humor, Battle of the Sexes, Behavior & Personality, Dating Humor, Limericks, Odd Holdays, Physical Appearance, Relationship Humor | 3 Comments »
Tuesday, February 13th, 2007
Surmounting Marriage
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Before agreeing to marry my husband Mark, I asked him the usual questions:
- Do you know what a hamper is and have you ever actually used one?
- Do you spend weekends sprawled in front of a sports-spewing screen, devouring couch potato chips?
- Are your parents likely to drive me to drink?
Mark told the appropriate fibs, I pretended to believe him, and several months later we wed. But soon after the wedding, I realized I’d forgotten to ask the most important question of all: When you see a mountain, do you get an irresistible urge to do something stupid? (Surmounting Marriage is continued here.)
Tags: Husband Wife Relationship Humor, Marriage Satire, Mountain Climbing, Outdoor Humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Fashion Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Outdoors Humor, Recreation & Fun Humor, Relationship Humor, Sports Humor, Travel Humor, Vacation Humor | 11 Comments »
Monday, February 12th, 2007
Litigation Ode
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“You don’t care about others. You’re callous,”
Said the plaintiff, with undisguised malice.
“Well, you haven’t been sweet,”
He replied in a beat,
“Since the night that we wed, my dear Alice.”
Tags: Defendant, Divorce Humor, Litigation Humor, Plaintiff, Wedded Bliss
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Behavior & Personality, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Limericks, Marriage Humor | 5 Comments »
Monday, February 5th, 2007
A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Attention guys — it’s time to get ready for Valentine’s Day. After all, you don’t want a repeat of last year, do you? I didn’t think so.
For most men, the very mention of Valentine’s Day conjures up memories of a last minute, fruitless shopping expedition followed by a quarrel with their girlfriend or wife. Women, on the other hand, tend to think romantic thoughts: champagne, dining by candlelight, strolling violinists, and an after-dinner brandy in front of a roaring fireplace. This scenario exists only in their fantasies, mind you. After all, they are dating or married to you. … (A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day is continued here.)
Tags: Battle of the Sexes, February Holidays, Gift Humor, Holiday Fun, Men and Women, Relationship Satire, Romance Humor, Valentine Day's Humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Holiday Humor, How-To Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Relationship Humor, Self-Help Humor, Shopping Humor, Social Satire | 4 Comments »
Monday, January 22nd, 2007
A Take-Charge Marriage
By Madeleine Begun Kane
We’re both bossy, my husband and I.
Domineering, some say with a sigh.
But though some might disparage
A two-bosses marriage,
Each day is the Fourth of July.
(My marriage humor is collected here.)
Tags: Battle of the Sexes, Compatibility Humor, Husband Wife Limerick, Marriage Humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Behavior & Personality, Family & Relatives Humor, Limericks, Marriage Humor, Relationship Humor | 5 Comments »
Monday, January 15th, 2007
Marriage Catch
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Said the fellow, “I need some advice.
Tell me how I can catch me some mice,
Cause my wife saw some lurk
By the fridge—went berserk!
Till I catch ’em, my sex life’s on ice.”
(My marriage humor is collected here.)
Tags: Marriage Humor, Mice Humor, Sex Humor, Vermin Humor
Posted in Animal & Pet Humor, Battle of the Sexes, Family & Relatives Humor, Limericks, Marriage Humor, Relationship Humor | 11 Comments »
Tuesday, January 9th, 2007
Have you heard about the Rosie O’Donnell vs. Donald Trump feud? Yeah … like you could possibly avoid it. Those publicity-mongers deserve a limerick, don’t you think?
Rosie O’Donnell vs. The Donald
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Whenever publicity’s needed,
O’Donnell and Trump seem to feed it
By starting a feud
With each other. How rude!
To both I can only say, “Beat it!”
Tags: Celebrities, Celebrity Humor, Donald Trump, Feud, Publicity Humor, Rosie O'Donnell
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Celebrity Humor, Donald Trump, Entertaining New Yorkers, Entertainment Humor, Limericks, Marketing Humor, Media Humor, Publicity Humor, Rosie O’Donnell | 3 Comments »
Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
What is it about December 31st that spurs fantasies of self-reform? Is it too much food and drink? Seasonal exuberance? Lunacy induced by crowds?
Every December, otherwise rational people make resolutions meant to transform them into organized, addiction-free souls with clean houses, healthy bodies, wholesome relationships, perfect children, and career paths soaring to the top — the same vows they made last year and the year before that.
Can our resolutions endure past January 1st? Can we make it to year’s end without ripping up our lists? … (It Is Hereby Resolved is continued here.)
Tags: December Holidays, Funny Contracts, Holiday Fun, Holiday Gifts, Husband Wife Humor, New Year's Humor, New Year's Resolutions Humor
Posted in Addiction Humor, Battle of the Sexes, Health & Medical Humor, Holiday Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Marriage Humor, Satirical Contracts, Social Satire | 5 Comments »
Tuesday, December 19th, 2006
Is It Safe To Go Shopping With Your Mate? (Humorous Quiz)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
One sure way to test a relationship is to shop with your mate. Not only is joint shopping stressful, but it amplifies differences in temperament and taste. It can even lead to bickering, brawls, and mayhem. So take this compatibility quiz now. Or risk being ousted from your favorite boutique.
1. When you arrive at the mall he:
a. Says “Let’s shop together. It’ll be fun.”
b. Says “Meet me in hardware.”
c. Vanishes.
2. In men’s clothing he:
a. Asks your opinion and compliments your taste.
b. Buys a tie he already owns.
c. Bemoans the demise of the leisure suit.
3. In lingerie he:
a. Says you look sexy in an oversized robe.
b. Asks you to model see-through garments too small to identify.
c. Hands you a Wonderbra. … (“Is It Safe To Go Shopping With Your Mate?” is continued here.)
(You can visit my marriage humor collection here.)
Tags: Gender Differences Humor, Husband Humor, Shopping Humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Behavior & Personality, Family & Relatives Humor, Feminist Satire, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Marriage Humor, Money & Finance Humor, Relationship Humor, Shopping Humor | 9 Comments »
Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
Ballsy Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Although males come equipped with two balls,
There are men who ain’t ballsy at all.
Folks with guts are quite rare,
And they don’t need a pair.
In fact, some gals are brimming with gall.
Tags: Balls, Ballsy, Feminist Humor, Male Anatomy
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Feminist Satire, Limericks, Science Humor, Social Satire | 7 Comments »
Monday, November 6th, 2006
There are few “fun” activities quite so vexing as the Office Christmas Party; that obligatory gathering of bosses and subordinates, cronies and rivals, back-stabbers and back-stabbees. Plus a horde of husbands and wives who spend the entire night planning their escape.
Every year you fantasize about sending an RSVP marked “Thanks, but no thanks.” Then you return to reality and break the news to your spouse. “It’ll be different this time,” you lie. “It’ll be fun.”
“I’ll go to yours, if you’ll go to mine,” your mate responds. “And you have to promise to behave.”
This brings us to the art of gaffe avoidance. After all, who isn’t but one faux pas from the unemployment line? Dodging the pitfalls of office party protocol can be a daunting challenge. But with the help of this agreement, you’ll survive yet another function with your job intact.
AGREEMENT entered into on ____________, by Husband and Wife (collectively referred to as “Couple”).
WHEREAS, Couple’s employers suffer from the delusion that Office Christmas Parties are good for morale;
WHEREAS, Couple, being sane individuals, would prefer to stay home; and
WHEREAS, although Couple can’t prove a connection, everyone who skipped last year’s bash is now unemployed; … ” (Office Party Follies is continued here.)
Tags: Christmas Party Humor, Funny Contracts, Holiday Fun, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Husband Wife Humor, Office Holiday Parties
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Business Humor, Holiday Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Marriage Humor, Relationship Humor, Satirical Contracts, Social Satire, Workplace & Career Humor | 12 Comments »
Thursday, October 26th, 2006
Being a feminist, even a moderate feminist like me, can make it tough to dodge duties unsuited to the squeamish. In my case, squirrel removal.
Like most people, I prefer my squirrels outdoors. So I wasn’t exactly pleased when a squirrel decided to invade my turf. One morning last winter, when I was barely awake and shuffling down our basement stairs, something with a bushy tail flashed past me, mere inches from my toes. So I ask you, what’s a feminist to do? Yell hysterically? Scream for help? Well, … yes. I also scrambled up the steps, slammed the door, and told myself the squirrel would find its own way out.
For the next few hours I wondered what my squirrel was up to. I even tried to talk myself into marching downstairs and facing him down. Or creeping downstairs and checking things out. Or opening the cellar door just a crack, peering down the steps, and shutting the door fast before the squirrel became suspicious.
What kind of feminist was I, I asked myself, as I paced a floor above the intruder. Surely Gloria Steinem would stand her ground against a tiny rodent. Thank goodness I wasn’t famous enough to be a Rush Limbaugh target. “Femi-Nazi hypocritical wimp Madeleine Begun Kane is ascared of a wee little squirrel,” he’d surely say if he knew I existed. … (A Squirrely Lesson is continued here.)
UPDATE: Happy Squirrel Appreciation Day, January 21st!
Tags: Basement, Cellar, Exterminators, Femi-Nazi Humor, Feminism Humor, Home Ownership, Husband Wife Humor, January Holidays, Odd Holidays, Rush Limbaugh, Squirrel Appreciation Day, Squirrel Humor, Trapping Animals
Posted in Animal & Pet Humor, Battle of the Sexes, Family & Relatives Humor, Feminist Satire, House & Home Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Marriage Humor, Odd Holidays, Relationship Humor | 15 Comments »
Thursday, September 14th, 2006
A weekend trip is a splendid way to replenish your energy and deplete your bank account. In theory, such journeys should be preceded by thorough research, careful planning, and intense negotiations with your mate. Sounds a lot like work, right? Which is why so many vacations go something like this:
(1). Become increasingly exhausted and overwrought. Bicker with spouse over nonsense. Make up, bicker some more, and decide you both need a vacation. Agree to plan a trip for just the two of you real soon. Fall asleep fantasizing about a work/child/pressure-free orgy of self-indulgence.
(2). Repeat Step (1) many times during the next few months. Repeat it several times more … leaving out the sleep part. (How To Plan A Trip is continued here.)
Tags: Battle of Sexes, Holiday Humor, Hotel Humor, Humorous How-To, Husband Wife Humor, Marriage Humor, Travel Humor, Vacation Humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Family & Relatives Humor, Holiday Humor, How-To Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Relationship Humor, Travel Humor, Vacation Humor | 9 Comments »
Monday, September 11th, 2006
If you’ve ever wondered exactly how the Wonderbra works, this ad provides a handy demonstration.
And that gives me all the excuse I need to post my Wonderbra Song Parody:
Wonder of wonders.
Miracle of miracles.
Wonderbra can make you huge.
Wonder of wonders.
Wonderbra oh Wonderbra.
Lifts, shores up, and stacks your boobs.
Wonder of wonders.
Miracle of miracles.
Deepens cleavage on demand.
Wonder of wonders.
Wonderbra oh Wonderbra.
Scoops and swells your mammary glands.
The day I first tried on that bra.
That was a miracle.
That was a miracle.
They gaped and gawked and cheered “Hurrah!”
That was a miracle too.
But for all breasts be they large or small.
The most miraculous bra of all. …
(My Wonderbra Song Parody is continued here.)
Tags: Bra Song, Fashion Humor, Feminist Humor, Lingerie Song Parody, Song Parodies, Underwear Humor, Underwear Parody, Wonderbra Humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Fashion Humor, Feminist Satire, Music Humor & Verse, Social Satire, Spoof Lyrics | 4 Comments »
Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
Planning a vacation can often be a daunting challenge. Especially when one spouse likes to rough it and the other prefers luxuries like toilets, showers, and cable TV. So what’s a couple to do? Well, they can take separate trips. Or they can negotiate and sign on the dotted line.
AGREEMENT, entered into this _________, 20__ by Husband and Wife.
WHEREAS, Husband’s ideal vacation requires hiking boots, compasses, sleeping bags, and knapsacks and doesn’t cost a dime;
WHEREAS, Wife’s ideal vacation requires a five star resort;
WHEREAS, Husband is a spontaneous kind of guy who likes to pick his trips by throwing a coin onto a trail map; … (Taking A Vacation On The Contract Plan is continued here.)
Tags: Husband Wife Humor, Hotel Humor, Marriage Humor, Travel Humor, Vacation Humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Outdoors Humor, Recreation & Fun Humor, Relationship Humor, Travel Humor, Vacation Humor | 7 Comments »
Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
I should put my local tow guy on a yearly retainer. Here’s a typical conversation:
Me: Hi, it’s me, Madeleine Kane. Guess whose husband left the lights on again. My address is…
Tow Guy: Still have you down from last week. Have you considered our frequent user plan? … (Tow Guy Blues is continued here.)
Tags: Absent-minded Husbands, Auto Humor, Automobile Humor, Bad Drivers, Car & Driving Humor, Driving Humor, Husband Humor, Marriage Humor Tow Truck Humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Car & Driving Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Marriage Humor, Relationship Humor | 2 Comments »
Friday, August 25th, 2006
Do you and your spouse argue about how to spend your spare time? Togetherness can be tough to achieve when a couple’s interests just don’t jibe. But this contract may be just the cure for your spare time blues.
AGREEMENT entered into on _____, 20__ between opera-buff Wife and sports-fan Husband.
WHEREAS, Husband has been badgering Wife to attend a ball game for as long as they’ve been married, and he has never managed to reach first base;
WHEREAS, Wife has been pressuring Husband to go to the opera for years, and Husband is running out of excuses; and
WHEREAS, Husband and Wife know that if they don’t resolve this soon, each will be attending all functions solo.
NOW, THEREFORE, the parties hereby agree to the following spare time terms:
1. Wife will attend one ball-type game, the selection of which shall be in Husband’s sole discretion, and Husband will attend one opera performance, the selection of which shall be in Wife’s sole discretion. In exercising such discretion, both spouses will keep in mind that divorce lawyers are really expensive … (Sparring Over Spare Time is continued here.)
Tags: Ball Games, Funny Contracts, Husband Humor, Law Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Opera Humor, Spare Time, Wife Humor
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Family & Relatives Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Music Humor & Verse, Recreation & Fun Humor, Relationship Humor, Satirical Contracts, Sports Humor, Time Humor | Comments Off on Sparring Over Spare Time
