Office Party Follies

There are few “fun” activities quite so vexing as the Office Christmas Party; that obligatory gathering of bosses and subordinates, cronies and rivals, back-stabbers and back-stabbees. Plus a horde of husbands and wives who spend the entire night planning their escape.

Every year you fantasize about sending an RSVP marked “Thanks, but no thanks.” Then you return to reality and break the news to your spouse. “It’ll be different this time,” you lie. “It’ll be fun.”

“I’ll go to yours, if you’ll go to mine,” your mate responds. “And you have to promise to behave.”

This brings us to the art of gaffe avoidance. After all, who isn’t but one faux pas from the unemployment line? Dodging the pitfalls of office party protocol can be a daunting challenge. But with the help of this agreement, you’ll survive yet another function with your job intact.

AGREEMENT entered into on ____________, by Husband and Wife (collectively referred to as “Couple”).

WHEREAS, Couple’s employers suffer from the delusion that Office Christmas Parties are good for morale;

WHEREAS, Couple, being sane individuals, would prefer to stay home; and

WHEREAS, although Couple can’t prove a connection, everyone who skipped last year’s bash is now unemployed; … ” (Office Party Follies is continued here.)

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12 Responses to “Office Party Follies”

  1. Jenny Ryan says:

    Excellent guidelines! Fortunately for my husband, I am the owner and sole employee of my company, so pretty much anything goes at that party! :P

  2. madkane says:

    LOL! And thanks Jenny!

  3. John Salmon says:

    What is the minimum permissible height difference to justify referring to one’s wife as “the little woman”?

    Say you’re Abe Lincoln, at 6’4″, married to Mary Todd, a wisp of a woman at 5’2″ or so. Would history look askance if you call Mary the little woman?

  4. madkane says:

    Hey, watch it pal! I’m five foot zero and nobody’s ever dared call me the little woman. As for Mary Todd, I recommend, “the petite woman.”

  5. John Salmon says:

    Mary will be mad no matter what you call her.

  6. madkane says:

    LOL! I could have sworn that I was the Mad one.

  7. I’ve always maintained that if employees were offered the option of $50 or $100 instead of the big holiday party, 99.99% would take the cash. Actually, 99% would take $5 or $10 or NOTHING. When I was in high-school, my friends and I came up with the term “obligatory fun” for a lot of the events and “treats” that the nuns cooked up and that we were forced to attend. One time it was a Mario Lanza movie, and the nuns got pissed because we didn’t cheer! Company holiday parties are much the same.

  8. madkane says:

    I’m with you Maureen. I’ll take the cash instead. But even better, just don’t make me go!

  9. Actually, I want to amend my comment. Most people I know would actually PAY not to have to go to the company party.

  10. Michelle says:

    What’s the hardest for me is that my husband works for this huge company so at the Christmas party there are 500 names I’m supposed to remember, all attached to people I only see once a year. It’s so embarrassing to introduce myself to someone only to have them drily say that they met me last year. Great. Just great.

  11. madkane says:

    I’m with you. Names are my downfall. Thanks for your comment!

  12. Suldog says:

    This piece is now featured at Bah! Humbug!
    Thanks for your submission!