Open Limerick to Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Charlotte, I hope you’re prepared
For attacks, because war’s been declared.
Though you just got your name,
You’re a Clinton — fair game!
Newborn Hillary-heirs won’t be spared.
How’s this for a non-shocker: Ousted House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) is headed to Wall Street. Cantor is “joining investment bank Moelis & Co. as vice chairman and managing director” and “stands to earn $3.4 million in cash and stocks as a signing bonus, with $1.2 million guaranteed in just his first year.”
Limerick Ode To “Poor” Eric Cantor
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Though he lost to a Tea Party ranter,
Please feel free to stop weeping for Cantor,
Cuz he’s striking it rich.
Ain’t his life just a bitch?
Wall Street moolah is quite the enchanter.
Although Texas Governor Rick Perry hasn’t announced yet, it’s pretty clear that he’s planning to run for the GOP presidential nomination. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to some more juicy “oops” moments.
Amusing bits like this will probably be the least of it:
Perry seemed pumped up after his enthusiastic, heckle-free reception at the Register’s Soapbox. When the Register’s moderator thanked him as he came off the stage, Perry said: “You’re welcome. I’m awesome!”
Limerick Ode To “Awesome” Rick Perry
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“You’re welcome. I’m awesome!” said Perry.
Oops, was Perry pumped up? I’d say, “Very!”
Seems another prez run
By that man will be fun.
No debate, Rick will help us make merry.
This could very well be the silliest limerick I’ve ever written. But when the focal point of a political ad appears to be a horse with a huge penis, I can’t help myself. And if you don’t know what I’m referring to, you simply must take a gander at Gary Kiehne and his well-hung horse.
Horse’s Ass Of A Candidate (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a horse who was mad
Cuz his penis was used in an ad.
“How dare you imply
I’m endorsing that guy!
Scratch my likeness. That candidate’s bad!”
The press is having a grand old time making fun of Rand Paul’s “bad limerick” about Mitch McConnell’s Democratic Party challenger, Alison Lundergan Grimes.
The problem is, Rand Paul’s verse isn’t close enough to limerick form to even qualify as a bad limerick. At best, it’s bad doggerel. Here’s what I’m talking about:
There once was a woman from Kentucky,
Who thought in politics she’d be lucky.
So she flew to L.A.
For a Hollywood bash,
She came home in a flash
With buckets of cash.
Sorry, but to call Rand Paul’s mishegas a “bad limerick” defames my beloved limerick form.
Open Limerick To Rand Paul Poetry Critics
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Rand Paul deserves plenty of blame
For his doggerel terribly lame.
Yes his Grimes verse is bad,
But the press makes me mad
When they call it a lim’rick. For shame!
While a limerick often does start
With “there once was a…” please have a heart.
There are rules to this form.
Five strict lines are the norm.
And to jump to conclusions ain’t smart.
It isn’t a lim’rick at all.
Those who call it a bad one, appall.
They have lim’ricks maligned,
And I really do mind.
Hence my three-verser limerick squall.
Eric Cantor gave his House farewell address today. And that gives me all the excuse I need to post this non-limerick of mine, which I entered in the Style Invitational’s recent double dactyl contest:
Beaterdy Featerdy,
GOP Leader E.
Cantor’s unseated and
Out of a job.
Pundits are shocked by his
Unceremonious
Ouster by Brat of the
Tea Party mob.
If you’re not familiar with the double dactyl, I summarize their rules here.
And, by the way, I lost. You can find the winners’ list here.
Have you noticed the new wave of stories about Chris Christie’s upcoming Iowa visit? This renewed coverage of Christie’s presidential aspirations gives me an excuse to post this non-limerick of mine, which I entered in the Style Invitational’s recent double dactyl contest:
Bridgery Fridgery,
Governor Christie is
Stuck in a scandal and
Can’t bridge the gap.
Oval-aimed dieting,
Indefatigably,
Hoping to run as a
Skinnier chap.
If you’re not familiar with the double dactyl, I summarize their rules here.
And, by the way, I lost. You can find the winners’ list here.
Amazing! Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was unexpectedly trounced in his primary by conservative Tea Party challenger David Brat.
No, Eric Can’t (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
What a GOP upset! Oh my!
Eric Cantor was beat by a guy,
Who’s a Tea-Party Brat,
Underfunded, at that.
There are some things that money can’t buy.
Monica Wehby, Republican Nominee in Oregon’s U.S. Senate Race, Answers those Harassment Complaints (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Vote for me! My convictions are tops.
For complaints about me, give me props,
Cuz they prove that I’m tough
And won’t take any guff.
It’s a plus that I’m known by the cops.
Here’s the story:
The Republican nominee in Oregon’s U.S. Senate race said Monday that disagreements with former partners that resulted in calls to the police show that she stands up for her beliefs and “will fight for Oregonians with very strong conviction.”
Texas Republicans, Repair Thyselves! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The “reparative therapy” craze
Is fancied by Texans for gays.
Although Dems know it’s foolish,
Republicans, mulish,
Praise treatment for homo-malaise.
Limerick Ode To World Environment Day (June 5)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
World Environment Day has arrived,
Though “Deniers” insist it’s contrived:
This science contention
That sans intervention,
Global warming will leave us short-lived.
My 2-verse limerick “celebrates” John Boehner, who certainly knows how to be cowardly, evasive, and stupid all at once. Here’s Boehner responding to a question about climate change:
Asked by reporters yesterday if he accepts the scientific consensus that greenhouse gas emissions contribute to global warming, John Boehner demurred on the curious but increasingly familiar grounds that he is not a scientist. “Listen, I’m not qualified to debate the science over climate change,” the House Speaker said. Boehner immediately turned the question to the killing of jobs that would result from any proposal to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, which he asserts with unwavering certainty. (On this question, Boehner is not held back by the fact that he is also not an economist.)
Limerick Ode To John Boehner
By Madeleine Begun Kane
John Boehner, it seems, knows the score;
He’ll be kicked by his “team” out the door
Should he ever concede
What folks know (if they read)
That our climate is changing full-bore.
So Boehner will simply rebuff
Any queries re climate change stuff.
“Can’t debate it he claims;
His “not qualified” aims
To dodge facts, cuz his pals prefer guff.
Tuesday’s a big primary day:
Six states have elections in what’s being dubbed a mini-Super Tuesday: Arkansas, Georgia, Idaho, Kentucky, Oregon and Pennsylvania. The Senate races with the potential for the biggest surprises are Georgia and Kentucky, where Republicans will be choosing between tea party candidates and ones with stronger backing from the establishment.
So brace yourself for yet another slew of inane observations about how mainstream Republicans are allegedly winning their war against the Tea Party.
Tea Party Wisdom (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Sanguine insight from pundits ain’t bright
Re the mainstream Republicans’ fight:
They’re not winning the wars
Against Tea Party boors;
They’re just moving far out to the right.
Karl Rove a/k/a “Turd Blossom” a/k/a “Bush’s Brain” is at it again. And this time his target is Hillary Clinton. First he strongly implies that she had “traumatic brain injury,” while greatly exaggerating the length of her hospital stay:
“Thirty days in the hospital?” Rove said, according to the report. “And when she reappears, she’s wearing glasses that are only for people who have traumatic brain injury? We need to know what’s up with that.”
Next he denies using the specific phrase “brain damage,” as if that makes everything copacetic.
Of course this sort of dirty tricks attack is SOP for Karl Rove.
“Bush’s Brain” Does It Again (2-Verse Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Rove’s method is slur and then flee.
His hit jobs leave drive-by debris.
He’ll strongly imply
Something’s true, then deny
That he used a set phrase he deems key.
Rove’s now on an anti-Hill spree,
Lodging brain-health aspersions with glee.
He’ll imply Hill’ry’s brain
Has been damaged, then feign
Complete innocence: Smear her? Not ME!
Many of you already know that big-time Republican donor John Jordan just dissed Republican pols big time. Here’s what he said:
I go out of my way to avoid meeting candidates and politicians.” Why? “All too often, these people are so disappointing that it’s depressing. Most of these people you meet, they’re unemployable.… It’s just easier not to know.
But I’ll bet you’re unaware of John Jordan’s secret limerick writing talent:
Dear Republicans, here’s tons of cash
From my famously sizeable stash.
I believe you’re all fools,
But can count on you tools
To keep screwing the riff-raff and trash.
(Note from Mad Kane for the Humor-Impaired: I’m John Jordan’s extremely unofficial ghostwriter. )
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
You are currently browsing the archives for the Republicans Humor category.