Have you noticed the new wave of stories about Chris Christie’s upcoming Iowa visit? This renewed coverage of Christie’s presidential aspirations gives me an excuse to post this non-limerick of mine, which I entered in the Style Invitational’s recent double dactyl contest:
Bridgery Fridgery,
Governor Christie is
Stuck in a scandal and
Can’t bridge the gap.
Oval-aimed dieting,
Indefatigably,
Hoping to run as a
Skinnier chap.
If you’re not familiar with the double dactyl, I summarize their rules here.
And, by the way, I lost. You can find the winners’ list here.
Amazing! Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was unexpectedly trounced in his primary by conservative Tea Party challenger David Brat.
No, Eric Can’t (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
What a GOP upset! Oh my!
Eric Cantor was beat by a guy,
Who’s a Tea-Party Brat,
Underfunded, at that.
There are some things that money can’t buy.
Monica Wehby, Republican Nominee in Oregon’s U.S. Senate Race, Answers those Harassment Complaints (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Vote for me! My convictions are tops.
For complaints about me, give me props,
Cuz they prove that I’m tough
And won’t take any guff.
It’s a plus that I’m known by the cops.
Here’s the story:
The Republican nominee in Oregon’s U.S. Senate race said Monday that disagreements with former partners that resulted in calls to the police show that she stands up for her beliefs and “will fight for Oregonians with very strong conviction.”
Tuesday’s a big primary day:
Six states have elections in what’s being dubbed a mini-Super Tuesday: Arkansas, Georgia, Idaho, Kentucky, Oregon and Pennsylvania. The Senate races with the potential for the biggest surprises are Georgia and Kentucky, where Republicans will be choosing between tea party candidates and ones with stronger backing from the establishment.
So brace yourself for yet another slew of inane observations about how mainstream Republicans are allegedly winning their war against the Tea Party.
Tea Party Wisdom (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Sanguine insight from pundits ain’t bright
Re the mainstream Republicans’ fight:
They’re not winning the wars
Against Tea Party boors;
They’re just moving far out to the right.
Though my tweet-sized Maureen Dowd-style fake quote didn’t win last week’s New York Magazine contest, at least it got me an Honorable Mention.
Here’s my HM-winning entry:
Hill’s at war; vicious oval of ambition vs doting grandma dotage. Will Monica Redux push her past pantsuit to sweatsuit?
Karl Rove a/k/a “Turd Blossom” a/k/a “Bush’s Brain” is at it again. And this time his target is Hillary Clinton. First he strongly implies that she had “traumatic brain injury,” while greatly exaggerating the length of her hospital stay:
“Thirty days in the hospital?” Rove said, according to the report. “And when she reappears, she’s wearing glasses that are only for people who have traumatic brain injury? We need to know what’s up with that.”
Next he denies using the specific phrase “brain damage,” as if that makes everything copacetic.
Of course this sort of dirty tricks attack is SOP for Karl Rove.
“Bush’s Brain” Does It Again (2-Verse Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Rove’s method is slur and then flee.
His hit jobs leave drive-by debris.
He’ll strongly imply
Something’s true, then deny
That he used a set phrase he deems key.
Rove’s now on an anti-Hill spree,
Lodging brain-health aspersions with glee.
He’ll imply Hill’ry’s brain
Has been damaged, then feign
Complete innocence: Smear her? Not ME!
Many of you already know that big-time Republican donor John Jordan just dissed Republican pols big time. Here’s what he said:
I go out of my way to avoid meeting candidates and politicians.” Why? “All too often, these people are so disappointing that it’s depressing. Most of these people you meet, they’re unemployable.… It’s just easier not to know.
But I’ll bet you’re unaware of John Jordan’s secret limerick writing talent:
Dear Republicans, here’s tons of cash
From my famously sizeable stash.
I believe you’re all fools,
But can count on you tools
To keep screwing the riff-raff and trash.
(Note from Mad Kane for the Humor-Impaired: I’m John Jordan’s extremely unofficial ghostwriter. )
How NOT To Woo Women Voters (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
We women are “whiners,” they bray.
We “lie” that there’s “no equal pay.”
That’s the GOP line,
And it suits me just fine:
On Election Day, gals get their say.
Weep For The Wealthy (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Though the wealthy will publicly cheer
As campaign regs get knocked on their rear,
Some privately groan:
“No limits?” they moan.
“Buying pols is becoming too dear!”
Note from Mad Kane: Although I concocted that quote, it may be closer to the truth than you think. Here’s The Weekly Standard’s Bill Kristol, who argued on ABC’s This Week “that not every wealthy donor will embrace the outcome of the McCutcheon case, because they may now be obliged to give more:”
“All the donors I know hate this decision, of course,” he said. “This used to be a very good excuse to say to a candidate, ooh, I’m maxing out, I just can’t help your campaign.”
Free Speech Gets Pricey (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Remember “one person, one vote?”
Now “one dollar, one vote’s” what they wrote;
Yes, the U.S. Supremes
Favor money — in reams,
As the rich grab free speech by the throat.
Thanks to the New Yorker’s John Cassidy, for inspiring this limerick with his acerbic comment about McCutcheon v. FEC:
But Wednesday’s decision, once again a five-to-four ruling, represented another significant step away from the antiquated principle of “one person, one vote” toward the more modern, and utilitarian, notion of “one dollar, one vote.”
If you thought the Citizens United ruling undermined democracy, brace yourself: The Roberts court has made things even worse with yet another controversial 5-4 decision in McCutcheon v. FEC. Assaulting campaign finance reform once again, the Supreme Court struck down the aggregate limits on how much an individual can contribute to candidates, parties and political action committees.
As Ari Berman astutely observes:
The Court’s conservative majority believes that the First Amendment gives wealthy donors and powerful corporations the carte blanche right to buy an election but that the Fifteenth Amendment does not give Americans the right to vote free of racial discrimination.
Supreme Priorities
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The Supremes freed the wealthy to buy
Politicians — an endless supply.
Seems “free speech” means “free spending,”
While “voting rights rending”
Isn’t something they care to decry.
UPDATE: The blogger who interviewed Governor Walker and whose Walker quote is the premise of this entire post and limerick, has corrected his story to indicate that the quote was a transcription error and that the Governor did not claim to have voted for Reagan when it was illegal to do so.
Rather than simply “disappearing” this post, I’ll leave it up with this correction notice. My apologies to anyone who was misled by my reliance on the earlier version of that interviewer’s story.
*****
Republicans have a long history of bolstering their credentials by citing some Ronald Reagan connection. So it tends to be no big deal when a Republican pol waxes eloquent about having voted for Reagan.
And then there’s Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R), who recently said:
I remember, I was a teenager, had just become a teenager and voted for Ronald Reagan — limited government, you know, smaller government, lower taxes, strong national defense. You knew what you were getting. You knew how a Reagan administration, a Reagan presidency was going to be better for you.
Alas, since Walker was born on November 2, 1967, he “wasn’t old enough to vote in either 1980 or 1984 when Reagan ran for president.” So if Scott Walker was being truthful, then he’s just owned up to committing voter fraud.
Scott Walker Walks Into His Own Trap (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Walker tried to increase his appeal
With a “voted for Ron Reagan” spiel.
Do the math; Scott’s denoting
His under-age voting.
Fin’ly, ONE case of vote fraud that’s real.
Here we go again! It’s too early to pretend to run for U.S. President. So instead, Donald Trump is fake-running for Governor of New York State.
Trumped Up Campaign (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
This brainchild (I trust) won’t get far:
New York Governor Trump — TV star.
He might run, Donald claims,
But we know his true aim’s
To get press for his show … or be czar.
The U.S. Supreme Court’s hypocritical demolishment of the Voting Rights Act, followed by a rush by certain states to impose discriminatory voting restrictions, inspired this three-verse limerick:
The Supreme Court Preclears Voter Suppression (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Sev’ral states who once had to preclear
Any voting law change, gave a cheer:
The Supremes set them free
To restrict votes with glee,
Which they’re doing with plans in high gear.
In its holding, both sneaky and bold,
The Sup Court said the formula’s old,
And so need not be heeded–
A new one is needed:
It freed states to fair-voting withhold.
Some are doing just that with great speed,
Which proves that old formula’s need–
That it wasn’t outdated:
Bad intent’s unabated,
And there’s nothing to stop its stampede.
Minnesota’s Michele Bachmann has decided not to seek a 5th Congressional term. So it’s time for a goodbye limerick:
Goodbye Limerick For Michele Bachmann
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Michele Bachmann, you’ll surely be missed.
You’ve provided such humor mill grist.
But we mockers are blessed
With a huge treasure chest
Of wingnuts at whom to get pissed.
Louie Gohmert is tops on that list.
Ted Cruz and Steve King still exist.
So we’ve fodder galore;
Finding humor’s no chore
With a party like yours in our midst.
The audacity of politicians never ceases to astonish me. And Anthony Weiner’s run for New York City Mayor is only the latest example. I just don’t see how he can ever live down his Twitter scandal, and I say that as a New Yorker and former fan.
Open Limerick To Anthony Weiner
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mr. Weiner, I once was a fan;
You’re an outspoken, liberal man.
But I’m sorry –you’re screwed
By the “ick” factor, dude,
So your mayor plans simply don’t scan.
Even though I have no use for porn, I do have a soft spot for Hustler publisher Larry Flynt.
Why?
1: Throughout the George W. Bush administration, he linked to my parody Dubya’s Dayly Diary from the home page of his personal site.
2: Larry Flynt is a lefty who pulls the occasional very amusing stunt.
Larry Flynt’s latest caper is an obviously satirical endorsement of former South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford in his race against Democrat Elizabeth Colbert Busch for U.S. Congress.
He couldn’t possibly have given Elizabeth Colbert Busch a lovelier gift.
Sanford, who gained national prominence in 2009 as governor of South Carolina when he abruptly abandoned his duties for a secret rendezvous with his mistress, is currently running against Democrat Elizabeth Colbert Busch for South Carolina’s 1st Congressional District seat. The election will take place on May 7.
In a statement released today, Flynt calls Sanford “the sex pioneer of our time.” In Flynt’s eyes “no one has done more to expose the sexual hypocrisy of traditional values in America today. Sanford’s open embrace of his mistress in the name of love, breaking his sacred marriage vows, was an act of bravery that has drawn my support.” Chastising the Republican Party for not backing Sanford following his run-off victory, Flynt declared: “I am willing to step in and stand erect for Mark Sanford.”
An Endorsement Mark Sanford Hopes Nobody Will Notice (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man known for porn — Larry Flynt
Has endorsed Gov. Mark Sanford in print,
As a “sex pioneer,”
With a glint and a leer.
Endorsements like this you can’t mint.
There’s a striking difference between the website homepages of the DCCC (Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee) and the NRCC (National Republican Congressional Committee): The most prominent words (by size and location) on the DCCC site are Democrats 2014. But the only reference to Republicans on the NRCC site is buried on the bottom in the “paid for by” disclaimer.
So, do House Republicans have something to hide?
Republican Campaign Oversight? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Seems the NRCC’s feeling shame:
How else to explain that the name
Of its party’s not bold,
But lost under the fold
Of a site meant to shore up its game.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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Infantile Pundits Give Birth To More Wind (Limerick)
Monday, April 21st, 2014I just love Jeff Greenfield’s take on the “Baby Clinton Madness.” I’m referring, of course, to all the nonsensical opinionating about its effect (or non-effect) on Hillary Clinton’s presumed presidential candidacy.
Infantile Pundits Give Birth To More Wind (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
OMG! Chelsea Clinton’s with child!
Watch political gas-bags go wild,
As they mindlessly mine
Its effects and opine.
Yes, those pundits are rightly reviled.
Tags: Chelsea Clinton, Election Humor, Election Punditry, Hillary Clinton, Jeff Greenfield, Media Humor, Oval, Political Candidates, Political Commentator, Presidential Election, Pundits, Sunday Gasbags, White House
Posted in Campaign Humor, Election Satire, Feminism Humor, Gender Politics, Hillary Clinton, Media Satire, Political Limericks, Political Verse, Politics Satire, Punditry Humor, White House | Comments Off on Infantile Pundits Give Birth To More Wind (Limerick)