This week Writers Island prompts us to use the word beguile in a poem. So here’s my Beguiling Limerick:
Beguiling Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A gal who was very beguiling
Was always so charmingly smiling,
That she duped many men
Yet again and again.
Now they’re lined up in court for a filing.
Today’s poetry prompt courtesy of Writers Block Daily is “chances are.” It inspired me to write this law-related limerick:
Billable Pep Talk
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“The chances are good that you’ll win,”
Said the lawyer, betraying a grin.
“But you know either way
You will still have to pay
Me the fee that is set forth herein.”
I’m a “recovering lawyer.” But I haven’t “recovered” quite enough to resist writing this lawsuit limerick. It’s a cautionary tale about jilted brides, grooms who get cold feet, and litigation to recover wedding expenses.
The former bride-to-be Dominique Buttitta (who just happens to be a lawyer) is seeking over $95,000 in damages from her ex-fiancé. She claims defendant Vito Salerno jilted her just four days before the wedding, after she’d spent $56,000 for the banquet hall, flowers, orchestra, and gown, plus other non-refundable expenses.
Ms. Buttitta has a decent chance of recovering her out-of-pocket expenses, according to lawyers Gloria Allred and Lydia Sartain.
And that brings me to my latest limerick:
Wedded Bliss Interruptus
By Madeleine Begun Kane
If you’re planning a wedding, be warned:
Change your mind and your bride-to-be scorned
Could sue you and win
Major bucks for your sin.
And your assets? They’re bound to be mourned.
You’d think Texas cops would have more important things to worry about than marijuana in Willie Nelson’s tour bus. But apparently not, so they arrested him. And that cries out for a limerick:
Limerick Ode To Willie Nelson
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Willie Nelson is in a tough spot
Cuz of grass on his tour bus. What rot!
Such arrests make me groan.
Wish they’d leave him alone.
They’re musicians — they’re s’posed to smoke pot.
Once again, it’s Limerick-Off time. I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow whose car had been towed…
Here’s mine. (It’s a three-verse limerick, but a standard one-verse limerick is fine, of course.)
Pigheaded Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow whose car had been towed
Freaked out when he heard what he owed.
“Highway robb’ry,” he yelled.
Then he sued — price upheld,
Plus penalties — made him explode.
So he threatened to file an appeal,
Though his wife said, “Enough! Make a deal!”
He responded, “No way!
I simply won’t pay.
Let them keep my damn automobile.”
But then he was hit with a lien.
And his wife said, “You see what I mean?
End this now or perforce
I will sue for divorce.”
That’s what comes of the stubbornness gene.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, right above my photo. Thanks!
Once again, it’s Limerick-Off time. I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A man who owned only one suit…
Here’s mine. (It’s a six-verse limerick, but a standard one-verse limerick is fine, of course.)
Suitable Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man who owned only one suit
Could afford many more with his loot.
But he hated to wear’em
And just could not bear’em,
Which led to a workplace dispute.
The co that he worked for was sold.
“The new owner likes suits,” he was told.
“That’s too bad,” he replied.
“I just can not abide
Dressing up and I won’t be controlled.”
“Read my memo — now suits are a must,”
He was warned. “You must look upper crust.”
He replied, “Won’t comply!”
“Then I bid you goodbye,”
Said the buyer, with scorn and disgust.
“But wait, there’s a suit that I like,”
He responded. “I won’t take a hike.
It’s a suit of this sort:
I shall take you to court.
Watch your legal bills mount up and spike.”
The new owner refused to back down.
He assumed that the guy was a clown
Who never would sue.
That assumption, he’d rue.
He soon learned that this “clown” owned the town.
Yes, he worked just for fun — that’s the hitch.
He missed working — it gave him an itch.
So he did file that suit
And won even more loot.
Then he bought out the co. Ain’t that rich?
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
And if you’d like to receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting Limerick-Off first line alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, right above my photo. Thanks!
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow who loved doing tricks…
Here’s mine:
Tricky Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow who loved doing tricks
Had begun doing magic at six.
He was jailed for his skill
Cuz he used it for ill —
Made his enemies vanish for kicks.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Limerick-Offs.
UPDATE: I’ve just learned via Cloaked Monk that today, March 24th, is Harry Houdini’s birthday. He was born was born Erich Weiss (spellings vary) on March 24, 1874 in Budapest, Hungary. Happy birthday Harry!
UPDATE 2: October 31st (the anniversary of Houdini’s death) is National Magic Day.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow who had an affair…
Here’s mine:
Limerick Affairs
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow who had an affair
Got caught by his lovely wife, Claire.
She considered divorce —
Took a far diff’rent course.
Now her spouse does not live anywhere.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Limerick-Offs.
Felonious Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane
An elderly woman named Ellen
Was suspected of being a felon.
So what was her loot?
Some boots and a suit.
In prison dear Ellen’s now dwellin’.
Criminal Ode
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Some crimes are quite flagrantly blatant—
Not subtle, nor secret, nor latent.
If the doer ain’t caught,
There’s a guy who’s been bought,
Or incompetence utterly patent.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A wealthy old woman named Kate…
Here’s mine:
A Dog Of A Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A wealthy old woman named Kate
Left her dog an enormous estate.
Her children all stewed
Till they finally sued.
Who won? Well, each lawyer did great.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Limerick-Offs.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A miserly fellow name Joe…
Here’s the limerick I wrote with that line. (It’s a two-verser, but a standard one-verse limerick is fine, of course.)
Miserly Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A miserly fellow name Joe
Was obsessed with his weekly cash flow.
The guy was so petty,
He ordered wife Betty
To flush once a day. She said, “No!”
Then he yelled, “You are wasteful and low!”
But she said, “It’s distasteful. No go!”
So he sued for divorce—
An asinine course.
Now the lawyers have all of his dough.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Limerick-Offs.
That’s it. No more vacations!
Sounds a little extreme, I know. But strange things tend to happen when my husband and I have the nerve to travel or take time off.
No, I don’t mean canceled flights, lost luggage, or stolen passports. Nothing so mundane as that. I’m talking about incidents like:
* a drowned Toyota;
* a windshield collision with flying branches while my car is going 55 mph;
* a Mazda smashed by a tree while it’s parked and minding its own business.
Detect a pattern here?
We’ve had so many weird holiday episodes, that our insurer has created a special policy provision just for us:
Notwithstanding the aforesaid incomprehensible coverage terms, this policy shall be subject to the following limitations and exclusions, hereinafter referred to as Madkane’s Oddball Vacation Incident Exclusion clause:
1. Claims for beach sand, in excess of four (4) gallons, entering automobile via sunroof, shall be subject to a $2,500 deductible.
2. Damage to fuel line by reptiles, including but not limited to alligators and crocodiles, is hereby excluded.
3. Hotel parking lot car-drowning incidents shall be subject to a “one more time and you’re canceled” cap.
Our most recent adventure took place at our weekend house. And before you get too impressed by our owning a weekend house, let me hasten to add it’s only 380 square feet. In fact, when we got it appraised for mortgage purposes, its “comparables” featured our neighbor’s garage.
Mark had spent the entire day telling me he “really, really, really should plant the flowers” — those very flowers that were waiting patiently in our Mazda, hoping against hope that the fellow who bought them the previous day would eventually recall that occasional sunlight is somewhat better than a hot, dark trunk.
Knowing better than to meddle in Mark’s planting activities — or lack thereof — I didn’t say a word. I didn’t have to. I already knew the answer: “I don’t want your help. Go away.”
Besides, I had complete faith that at some point before the plants died, Mark would remember that replacements cost money and he’d unload the car and begin digging and uprooting our resident worms. I also knew this would occur just as the last vestiges of sunlight said goodbye. (“Anyone can plant by daylight. Where’s the challenge in that?”)
Mark didn’t disappoint me. He cracked open the car trunk at 8 p.m. and finished around 10. He even did it without the sort of event that might trigger an insurance claim.
And then it happened: Just as Mark was walking up the driveway toward our refuse cans (in an aberrational instance of his actually taking out the garbage), he heard an unfamiliar noise. And thank heavens he did. Because the sound made him stop in his tracks, just as a huge tree limb came barreling down across our driveway, striking our car and our garbage cans but miraculously sparing Mark.
Mark naturally took this as a sign from God: “Thou shalt never again take out the garbage.”
We spent the rest of the night celebrating Mark’s survival. And devoted the next day to tree-limb removal, car-repair estimates, and insurance negotiations.
Needless to say, Madkane’s Oddball Vacation Incident Exclusion clause is longer than ever.
A limerick in honor of Conan O’Brien’s Solomon-like decision about the Tonight Show — not to “seriously damage what [he considers] to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting,” (I wrote it both as a fan and as a recovering lawyer.)
Go, Conan!
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Conan, I’m glad you refused.
By your Network, you’ve sure been abused.
You’re right to be teed.
You’re a class act, indeed.
NBC’s breach can not be excused.
Update: I haven’t seen Conan’s contract. But here’s NBC’s argument, as I understand it: NBC can legally air The Tonight Show with Conan at 12:05 a.m. after a new half-hour Leno show, because O’Brien’s contract doesn’t specify a time. I don’t buy it.
Following NBC’s argument to its logical conclusion, NBC could air The Tonight Show at 4:00 a.m., or even at noon. In fact, by NBC’s reasoning, Conan could have stayed at his old 12:35 a.m. slot and Jay could have kept his original 11:35 p.m. Tonight Show slot. All NBC would have had to do would be to change the names of the shows: Conan’s to the Tonight Show, and Jay’s to the Jay Leno Show. Sorry, NBC, this doesn’t pass the straight-faced test.
One more point: Rumor has it that Jay’s contract specifies a 10 p.m. time, and that (the argument goes) this weakens Conan’s position. I disagree. Conan O’Brien was being promoted to a show that already existed in a specific time slot, whereas Jay’s show was being created from scratch. So they are not analogous situations.
Update 2: Is this a slam dunk for Conan? No. But as a “recovering lawyer” who litigated my share of contract disputes, I’d rather take Conan’s case to a jury.
I’ve received a fair (or unfair) amount of hate mail over the years, mostly for my anti-Bush humor. What else inspired hate mail? This dental humor piece brought in a flood of angry mail after it appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer. For a brief period, I was Public Enemy #1 among dentists, dental students, and their family members. So it’s lucky for me and my teeth that I live in New York.
Dental Deal (Satirical Contract)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Does the very thought of a dentist set your teeth on edge? Is pudding too challenging to chew? This contract should help mitigate your pain.
AGREEMENT entered into this ____ day of ________, 20__ by anxious Patient and drill wielding Dentist.
WHEREAS, Patient views dentistry as legalized S & M; and
WHEREAS, Dentist enjoys pillaging mouths almost as much as yachting and golf;
NOW, THEREFORE, Dentist and Patient hereby agree as follows:
1. Dentist shall instruct his receptionist not to ask, “How are we today?” If we were well, we would not be here.
2. Dentist acknowledges that Patient’s time has a modicum of value. Accordingly, for every minute Dentist keeps Patient waiting, one dollar shall be subtracted from Patient’s bill. Double, if the waiting room is filled with kids.
3. Dentist shall not try to persuade Patient that X-rays are safe. Such assurances lack credibility when piped in by a Dentist who’s encased in protective gear and cowering next door.
4. Dentist shall not say “You have so many fillings, I can’t read the X-rays.” Otherwise Patient shall say, “Your invoice has so many dollars, I can’t pay the bill. … (My Dental Deal contract continues here.)
Many years ago I wrote a satirical blind date agreement entitled Bracing For That Blind Date. It turns out, oddly enough, that some people actually sign serious pre-date contracts.
Here’s how my more light-hearted contract begins:
Bracing For That Blind Date
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Are you facing yet another blind date with fear and dread? Are you tempted to throttle anyone who cajoles you into going out with an allegedly attractive friend? Believe it or not, blind dates can actually be fun. All you have to do is work out a few details in advance:
AGREEMENT entered into this ____ day of ______, 20__ by two jittery people hereinafter referred to as “Male” and “Female”.
WHEREAS, a mutual friend is nagging Male and Female to go out on a date;
WHEREAS, Male and Female loathe blind dates and believe that people foolish enough to go out on them deserve whatever they get;
WHEREAS, their mutual friend assures Male and Female that they both have wonderful personalities;
WHEREAS, Male and Female would rather undergo root canal than date, but it is the only way they know to get their friend off their backs; and
WHEREAS, Male and Female believe that a pre-date agreement will minimize the pain and suffering normally associated with blind dates.
NOW, THEREFORE, Male and Female hereby agree to the following blind date terms: … (My blind date contract continues here.)
It sounds like something out of George Orwell: E-book editions of 1984 and Animal Farm have been vanishing from people’s personal Kindles. I might add that these e-books have been purchased and fully paid for.
Amazon, at the request of an Orwellian publisher, has been repossessing these e-books without permission and refunding the purchase price. (More commentary here, plus my three verse limerick about this outrageous invasion of privacy, plus an update about Amazon’s welcome Kindle policy change.)
Update: If you would like to read this general humor blog on your Kindle reader you can subscribe right here.
If you would like to read my other political satire blog on your Kindle device, you can subscribe right here.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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